#Writing styles

25 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

solid lagoon
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Something has changed.
I have changed.
I used to have worlds of ideas tucked between the strands of my hair,
Poems swimming underneath my skin.
I used to write poetry, be a poet.
But now I am the poem, and fate is writing me.
I used to be lonely, trapped in my own little world,
But now I am powerless, trapped in others.
And that is so, so much worse.

And into the forest I go, looking for my mind and my soul.
I am out with lanterns, looking for myself, but
I cannot see past these twisting branches,
My twisty brain, weaving me in and out of
Control of myself.

I am midnight, the darkest of the dark.
No fire can contain me,
No star can overpower me.
I used to be the brightest sun in the galaxy,
Stars spilling out my eyes everytime I wept.
But now I am a black hole, sucking hope and
Twisting it into my own little song.

I wish to be nothingness,
And I dream of life,
Being able to lie down by a slow river,
Staring at the light of the trees,
And to learn, to love something
In that nothingness.

solid lagoon
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@light halo

light halo
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i am here, hang tight

solid lagoon
light halo
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I like it. what kind of feedback are you looking for?

solid lagoon
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costructive feedabck

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like what can i do better

light halo
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The Positives:

  • Well illustrated imagery in every stanza.

  • The poem gives words to profound emotions

  • Metaphors are well executed and relatable, and enhance the clarity and depth of the emotional themes and narration.

  • choice of words and language feel natural and therefore allows the poem to be more engaging to readers.

  • The story or theme of having an abundance of self control and creativity, followed by both loss of control and creativity, then perhaps seeking solitude and to love the nothingness is joyful and powerful to read.

  • the experience reading this is emotionally evocative.

Wonderful poetry, please keep writing and sharing.

As for improvements I dont want to say too much because it is good in its current state, but you could explore wording or phrasing choice of a line here and there, if there are any lines you want to enhance.

solid lagoon
solid lagoon
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lemme read it for a sec

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damn

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thank you so much

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noone has said this abu=out my poems before

light halo
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You're welcome, From my perspective, You've checked off all the key blocks for a successful poem.

I would say, its up to you to be your own critic and decide if you want to rephrase or enhance anything.

Just read it and see if you get caught on anything.

Anyhow, I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the future.

solid lagoon
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thank you

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❤️

amber drum
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i’m speechless

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(i’m going to say some words anyway)

all the metaphors are just. yes. and all the word choice and the structure and everything conveyed such a strong feeling that was amazing, i immediately loved the first stanza with literally everything but i especially loved the "poetry swimming underneath my skin" and then how you say its worse it just really packs a punch

and then all the imagery you use for the next stanza is just really awesome and it conveys how lost you are

"stars spilling out my eyes everytime i wept" ok. wtf. that is so so so amazing like woah. its just so beautiful and strong and powerful and yes. and then i also really liked the line about "twisting it into my own little song" it just felt really right and idk why exactly i just loved it

THE END??? OMG. IT JUST BROUGHT EVERYTHING TOGETHER SO PERFECTLY!! "i wish to be nothingness" yes yes yes yes yes and then the lying down and staring at the trees like woah so real i love that idea "and to learn to love something/in that nothingness" perfect ending i could never think of anything better it just closed it out so well and kinda had a hopeful looking to the future note but also wasnt like difinitively optimistic (that wouldve been weird for the rest of the poem) and so it just really felt like the end!! good job!!!

i genuinely could not find a single thing i would change about this poem

vocal cradle
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Love the line from Emily Dickinson you included!!

solid lagoon
solid lagoon
light halo
# solid lagoon I want to hug u

Just came back to let you know, I was reminded of these lines today
" I cannot see past these twisting branches
my twisty brain, weaving me in and out of
control of myself"

Thats a sign of outstanding writing that has left an impact, when someone reflects or recall your poetry after several days.

👏

unkempt glenBOT
solid lagoon