Feedback on first poem

[severe rock]

I feel like it's maybe too cliché and obviously from a beginner, which I am, but I want to know how I could improve. Also I'm ESL. It's just about appreciating the beauty of a man. At the same time Eros refers to just the general concept of love and my yearning to experience it irl and that Time will bring both him and love to me. Since in the myth it was Kronos (time) who clipped Eros his wings. It also indirectly refers to the myth of Psyche, who got punished for gazing upon Eros. So there's the implication that I will suffer for it as well. I might write a second stanza about that.

Who clipped Eros his wings?
Why did he fall like the morning star?
When will I get to gaze upon him?
Admire the noble modeling of his limbs
Adore the goodness and godliness of his face
Appreciate every single inch of him
Applaud the aesthetic ecstasy he brings

[exotic turtle]

writing, sculpting and music all require something rough to first be refined; something being cliché isn't always a negative; to some degree its a recognition of your shared experiences and insight into your own potential :-)

i like the themes, sprinkled mythos are like croutons in salad.

" Who clipped Eros his wings? " i am going to assume the break in grammar isnt intentional

personally i believe that writting can be safe from rules but since english is your second language i figure id give you a heads up on that

it still works in my mind but if you wanted to have it be more "Proper" you could change it to possessive " Eros's or Eros' depending on your aesthetic preference

the imagery of each line is good, if you were looking to maybe have the same essence but change the wording I would think of ways to swap around words and placement of them for more dramatic effect, I try to avoid repeating words if I can to make it feel more unique and I lean a lot of alliterations

im reminded of the marble statue in the louvre

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psyche_Revived_by_Cupid's_Kiss

what I would try to do is find ways to eliminate words that don't add to the potency of the poem; the more you can eliminate the more impactful whats left will be

to give you an example of this, heres a writing exercise a friend was doing

he was mostly just free associating words and sentences together that seemed appealing

Can you perceive this? Through the windows of life what is transpiring before me is as clear as the great and tall falls of the east. My coherence is simply elsewhere and I am left to explore the world with my white cane. Who pulled the wool over my eyes? There is little to gain in the condemnation of others of this act; perhaps only I am to blame for my deceit. 
Spell it out to me, letter by letter
The notions materializing between the auricles
For I cannot elucidate what I am burdened with.```

very dense and a bit all over the place with its imagery as he wasnt really thinking of the whole piece rather just wanting to make esoteric sentences

i showed him how he could take from the very messy and disconnected themes and make one from what was there

alot of it was just removing stuff that didnt have umpf

heres what I gave him as an example of a more refined version of his jumble of sentences

coherence obtained through guiding white canes,
while blinding wool have brought us such pains,
whats ever been gained in condemnation of shame;
a chance such seekers are the ones to blame,
for what covers their eyes covers ours the same.

I think a second stanza could help in making it feel more whole; I do like the start of it and if you did follow up with another stanza it could give you more room to make it feel more complete

keep it up !

[severe rock]

correct, not entirely, I wasn't sure about it, but also wanted to add a syllable

so I'll probably fix that

[exotic turtle]

I like the interrogative feel of the poem, it's got a dramatic irony to it.

[severe rock]

Do you mean the usage of "the" and repeated pronouns?

[exotic turtle]

in my preference I try to avoid em

I feel like it can really help make it feel more unique if you avoid common articles

it's a style thing when it comes down to it though

[severe rock]

I've changed some things up while trying to keep it at about 10 syllables per line and added a second stanza. Tried to make it a bit 'as above, so below' and used the wiki you shared for the last line.

Who has clipped Eros' wonderful white wings?
Why did he fall just like the morning star?
When will I at long last gaze upon him?
Admire noble modeling of his limbs
Adore goodness and godliness in that face
Appreciate every inch of his being
Applaud aesthetic ecstasy he brings

Abandon all hope deep down the abyss
Chthonic shadows consciously crawling closer
Searching spirit sound asleep in my dreams
Tantalizing iridescent transcendence
Where can incessant repentance be found?
What does mundus have in sheer abundance?
How is ascendance caused through a mere kiss?

[exotic turtle]

SUPERB

really good resolution

the second stanza really helped and the new approach to each verse is much more Nutritional

so to say :-)

[severe rock]

thank you so much!

@exotic turtle thank you for helping me