#nicomachean memories

25 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

craggy mantle
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First of all, Wonderful writing!

I am willing to give you very specific feedback if you're up for it. What I say would be relatively minor and out of respect to you and your growth as a writer.

quasi solstice
craggy mantle
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Ok, hang tight

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Ill have something for you in about 20 mins

craggy mantle
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first stanza third and fourth line; consider instead of shattered pavement, "broken pavement" this creates a slant rhyme with "jean pocket" from line three.

third stanza, last line: I wonder if you would consider representing your brain/mind with a metaphor, since your entire poem has wonderful metaphors,
maybe your thoughts are a house and this is the front room?

fourth stanza last line & fifth stanza first line:
Eudaimonia and Candelabra, I recognize a rhyme here, which may be the reasoning for word choice. However you risk losing some readers with these words, I would consider a different or more common way to say good spirit/enlightenment and candle holder/chandelier even. saying that, some readers are actually drawn to more uncommon word choices. so its purely a stylistic suggestion

Finally remember to refine the grammar, such as punctuations, and capitalization, sentences and line breaks.

Beyond that, I dont have any glaring issues. All my suggestions are purely that, I hope they can inspire you, and you are in no way obligated to follow my suggestions, other readers and writers may very well disagree with me.

quasi solstice
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thank u sm!! i do agree with most of the comments, it’s very helpful actually

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I have to add, while I’m a native English speaker because of my family, I do not live or coexist with English speakers. Therefore (and because when ideas come to me I tend to write them down in my phone) I apologize for my granmar/punctuation mistakes

craggy mantle
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May I ask your primary language?

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or language of the region you live

quasi solstice
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I know not everyone agrees with me, and that’s okay, but for my poetry personally I do think that writing it like that instead of “perfecting” the capitalization and all that gives it a ‘raw’ connotation

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Ok maybe not that, not wording it right

craggy mantle
quasi solstice
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Absolutely agree

quasi solstice
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Spanish, German and English

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While I feel more comfortable with Spanish and English than German for poetry writing, I live surrounded everyday in a German speaking environment

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within a Spanish speaking country

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quite a mix😭

craggy mantle
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how interesting. well each language has its strengrhs and weaknesses. I do like spanish poetry

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but this discord server only allows english

quasi solstice
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I love it too! I have less poems in spanish but it’s beautiful

tight shellBOT
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*I love it too! I

have less poems in spanish

but it’s beautiful*

- morimemento04
craggy mantle
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nice haiku

craggy mantle
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cool, did you happen to find me on writco?

quasi solstice