#hands

6 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

honest iron
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Lock your hands with mine
Every little thing is a sign
That I should be with you
No matter what I think of, your face is all I find
Your soft hands and your laugh lines
Green eyes like rolling hills and green pines
I listen to your playlist
It’s been 3 days, your embrace I miss
I drop my arms, and take your arms and walk you to the shore
I want to take your arms and guide you through this swarm
It’ll be okay, lay by me and keep me warm
Patched up my heart, even though yours was torn
Rebuilding yours, together we are reborn.

worthy spindle
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I'm liking the imagery in here, I can really sense the emotion, and nice touch of rhyme

What do you feel isn't working? I can offer suggestions but it's stylistic in the end

For example, arms is mentioned many times in those two lines, whereas it could be shortened with:

"I drop my arms, take yours"

Second line with take your arms again seems to repeat, it could be cut out.

You could also experiment with punctuation to replace words such as "and" and "like"

For example:

"I want to drop my arms, take yours—walk you to the shore, guide you through (this swarm)"

In the end it's all about what you're trying to convey, how fast you'd like the poem to go, what punctuation you like.

You can also try something called enjambment, where you continue the sentence into another line.

For example:

"Green eyes like rolling hills
and green pines"

honest iron
worthy spindle
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Hey it's really nice, I think honestly what you feel works best is how you should go with your poem. If those lines carry meaning go ahead and keep them!

honest iron
worthy spindle
#

Feel free to experiment and have fun with it. Can't wait to see what you come up with next!