Lilies

[fallow meteor]

We are born
Wrapped in red carnations
The vase on the counter,
Our heart severed.
I wish to be as the sea is to the moon,
Born of jewels and foam;
To flow, with peace.
I’ll follow the philosophies of flowers,
Born of the same jewels and foam.
Watch me, the tree.
It won’t bend but curl over waves.
Melting into a soul of agony.

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[celest hazel]

it's good it portrays some journey and self discovery and i could make out some vivid imagery from it

and here's a tip

[hollow heath]

So, I think this is a fabulous poem all around. I could definitely see it in a chapbook somewhere. I think some of the punctuation could be improved to better the flow/reading experience though. For instance “I wish to be as the sea is to the moon,/ Born of jewels and foam;/To flow, with peace.”

That’s all I can see though that I’d improve on

[celest hazel]

enhance your writing style more, focus on creating imagination and using powerful metaphors. so it could engage the reader's senses and emotions through descriptive language will make your work more captivating and memorable. just some tip ofc, not trying to force you

[fallow meteor]

Thank you that's actually really helpful I was struggling with the punctuation. And its funny you mention a chapbook bc this is for a book I'm writing.

[hollow heath]

Ohhh that’s really cool! You should definitely slip me a link whenever it’s published so I can buy a copy

[fallow meteor]

You know I will but don't hold your breath. I've been having a lot of trouble writing recently. It's actually pretty bad.