#your presence

20 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

fast siren
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I feel your presence with every step taken,

every blade of grass I touch.

It follows me as if connected to the strings of my soul in some incomprehensible way.

I feel your pain within every withered rose,

in every crumpled, fallen leaf.

Words are unable to capture the feeling that is your presence.

Trees sway softly with the wind,

as your voice is carried high above where I am           able to reach.

I see you in the first bloom of a daisy,

or in the stars that cover the night sky.

Your presence is all around me;
      a constant reminder that I will never be alone.

Most people will tell you to watch for the sunset,

as they will be there looking down at you.

I know better than to believe most people,
          I know better than to wait for sunsets.

And yet every time I catch a glance of the yellow and pink sky,

I can't help but wonder if you're staring back.

When a bird flies above,

when a rabbit crosses my path,

I wonder if you live vicariously through them.

I feel your presence everywhere I go;

in every tree I touch,

and in every stone I walk upon.

In a way, I am aware that you are not watching me from the sunsets,

or following through the wildlife.

But I will always be left wondering where you ended up,

  and if I will ever get the chance to meet you there.
astral minnow
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It’s good, captures the feeling of grief pretty well

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But the fourth line “words are unable to capture the feeling that is your presence” feels a little awkward

fast siren
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how so

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how else do u think i could write the feeling of someone’s presence being so surreal that you’re at a loss for a word to describe it

astral minnow
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The line works, but I think you could omit “that is your presence” because it feels a bit redundant. The repetition of presence in the rest of the poem works really well, but it kinda feels crammed in there in that specific line

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I really like it tho

fast siren
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what could i replace it with? ‘words cannot describe the feeling’ doesnt seem like it captures the point

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it could mean anything

astral minnow
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Hm, looking back on it I think “that is” sticks out to me the most. It would feel more natural if you used of instead. Also, it would fit in more if you somehow related this feeling back to something in nature. It would be more consistent with the rest of the poem and really help drive home the nature theme

hexed shore
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but you can still improve. i like it.

fast siren
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its just smth i had lying around that i wrote at 3am and never went back to read again

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totally forgot it existed until i posted it here

astral minnow
broken night
fast siren
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thank youuuu alllll

broken night
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No problem :3 good work on this poem