This is a love poem I wrote ages ago that I’ve only just revised:
To look at you,
I must first build a boat.
Else I’ll be swept
– drowned beneath behemoth waves
that break around your pupils.
#Unnamed
red tendon
red tendon
<@&1116088175618699345>
elfin halo
It's an okay poem, my main criticism is that it doesn't feel right logically. Because the main character is saying that they must build a boat or else they'll be swept alway and drown in the eyes of the one they love, but it's incredibly unlikely they can say something like this without having looked into their loved ones eyes atleast once
It would make more sense if they were already swept away and now needed a boat to survive or else they'll drown
fickle scaffold
That's a wonderful poem! I love the imagery.
red tendon
It's an okay poem, my main criticism is that it doesn't feel right logically. Be...
Thanks for the feedback everyone! On this comment, this is probably the least dreamlike, stream-of-consciousness poem I’ve ever written. I appreciate the feedback a lot, but I think the criticisms here are purely a divergence of stylistic preference. Personally, I don’t like reading or writing poems (not narrative) with rigid logic. I think the fact the entire poem is metaphor removes a necessitation for that sort of thing. In my opinion, the speaker doesn’t necessarily need to have looked in their eyes, and the metaphor is clear in any case.
I’ve taken some inspiration from Sufi and Arabic work which (I’d hope) is stylistically similar
fickle scaffold
I get it now. That's why I see subtle influence
elfin halo
Thanks for the feedback everyone! On this comment, this is probably the least dr...
Can I ask what the metaphor is here? It might be obvious but I don't get it and I'd like to know
red tendon
The boat, the waves, the act of drowning. The loved ones eyes are so dynamic and blue that they have wave qualities that swirl and move as if they were as ocean. To drown beneath them, obviously, then, is to get lost in them to the point of no return (drowning connotes death). To build a boat is to prepare oneself for this, a sort-of lifeline in navigating “behemoth waves”, but the risk is still there.
My old girlfriend had eyes so deep and blue that I would have to ask her to repeat herself in conversation
spiral frost