strong echo
when I was at my lowest
you noticed
You are the brightest part of my life
and you are the reason
I still am alive
This is the first stanza of my poem, and i don’t feel so hot about it can i get some advice and maybe places where I can change it up?
<@&1116088175618699345>
vale sundial
Hmm, hope you don't mind, but I think it would be better if you could make the third a bit small
It would be good if you were to compare it with something, like, since it's the "brightest part of your life", why not change it to "you are my light"?
In the end, they are mere suggestions 
And maybe change the last line to "I want to live"
@strong echo 
strong echo
Hmm, hope you don't mind, but I think it would be better if you could make the t...
Good suggestions thanks 😊
strong echo
<@&1116088175618699345>
You may be feeling apprehensive about your first bit because you’re telling, and not showing.
You’re telling your reader that this person noticed you when you were depressed, you’re telling them they were the light of your life. Instead, show them. Describe your pain, and then describe what it felt like having this person step down to help you. Use broad metaphors and imagery that cracks on the page. Be bold!
And make sure you don’t generalize your feelings, or this person’s personality. This person that saved you should not be just anybody, so mix in some specific parts of their personality to help solidify their character in the poem. Readers don’t become attached to someone with a very bleached out personality
strong echo
You may be feeling apprehensive about your first bit because you’re telling, and...
Any tips on how to do that?
wheat cedar
Any tips on how to do that?
you could use metaphors maybe like how they were the water that soothed your parched throat which was hurting because of thirst
strong echo
Any tips on how to do that?
Well, build a metaphor. I can't tell you how to do yours, but I can show you how I would build a metaphor.
I'm going to write a poem soon about hitting a deep low as well, but it didn't really feel like hitting rock bottom. It felt more like no longer telling myself the lies that made me so hurt, it felt like finally accepting the truth as it is.
Now I need to create an image for that. I like forests, and a forest is clear and cool and natural, like the truth, so I think it could mesh together well with my feelings. But I need more, I can't just compare the truth to a forest, because that doesn't feel like anything. What it really felt like was being thrown to the forest floor, or falling onto the forest floor, onto the dirt. So maybe I'll write a couple lines or a short stanza about falling, or maybe I'll just cut to the chase and begin with the image of hitting the dirt.
But that still isn't enough of an image, because I feel like I'm missing the real symbolism, the deep meaning here. If you remember from science class, the earth's crust is very thin, and it's the layer we walk on, and beneath the crust is a ton of magma. What I want to do is compare the forest floor to a skin, a crust, stretched over the earth, and when I hit it, I know I've hit the truth because of how the forest floor thumps like a drum and reverberates outwards and into all things, because truth is rooted in reality, and forests are very real.
I hope this helps, this is kind of a brain dump, but my point was to try to show you how you could create your own metaphor for what hitting the bottom felt like for you. Just combine the feeling with an image and some reality/truth/symbol/theme to create something cohesive and active.
strong echo
Consider varying the structure: Instead of starting each line with "You," try experimenting with different sentence structures or introducing some variety in the way you express your thoughts.
Add specific details: To make the poem more vivid and relatable, consider incorporating specific details or images that convey the depth of your emotions.
Explore different metaphors: Rather than directly stating that the person you're referring to is the "brightest part of your life," you could explore metaphors or symbols that evoke a similar sentiment.
Show, don't tell: Instead of explicitly stating that the person noticed you when you were at your lowest, try showing their support or actions through descriptive language
Here's a revised version of the stanza incorporating some of these suggestions:
"In my darkest depths, you gently appeared,
A lighthouse amidst the tempest's wail and roar.
Through storm-tossed seas, your beacon steered,
Guiding me towards hope's distant shore."
Remember, poetry is a personal expression of your emotions and experiences, so feel free to adapt these suggestions to your own style and voice