Hey, new to writing poetry just wanted ideas on this
#Thoughts?
short turret
Welcome!
knotty star
thanks
short turret
I think this is concrete poetry (yes, a type of poetry) and it looks good. I am not a fan but let me tell you that this is written in a way to distinguish the poem, its rhythm and where the pauses in speech should be—also, to distinguish it from everyday speech.
knotty star
I was trying to make the new lines and stuff as a way to like show how it feels really long even though it isn't (might be phrased weirdly), so I payed a bit too much attention to that, is that what you meant? As for the rhyming side, I am not that good with rhyming per se, but I felt that too much rhyming here would make the tone of the poem different from what I wanted it to be
short turret
I was trying to make the new lines and stuff as a way to like show how it feels ...
No. I am not complaining about rhyming. I am telling you that what you have described is right. It should be felt, rather than "I feel lonely without you".
knotty star
Oh, so rather than working on the imagery of it work on what it actually means?
short turret
Yes. The imagery part is good. I don't suggest changes there. I suggest you to, yes, hint at the core meaning of the poem.
knotty star
Alright, thanks. I'll try to rewrite some of the lines and add some changes to it, i'll repost it here after i attempt that
short turret
Best of luck!