Letter to Him

[tender canopy]

<@&1116088175618699345>

If you don't mind reading poetic prose?

[hollow hamlet]

hm

I wish somebody wrote to me like this XD

[blissful creek]

Is Caroline a fictional character?

[tender canopy]

Me too. (⁠ (⁠´⁠；⁠ω⁠；⁠｀⁠)

[supple thunder]

this is a lovely poem very heart warming imo.

[tender canopy]

Yes. But the person to whom this was written is real

[tender canopy]

Thanks, man! Appreciate your kind words!

[blissful creek]

Very wholesome

I am not used to this much of loveliness

[supple thunder]

no problem keep being awesome and writing more!

[blissful creek]

Do you live in America or something

I mean I am a positive person

[tender canopy]

I'm planning to gift my prospective spouse a bunch of poems I wrote imagining her.

[tender canopy]

No. I live in India.

[blissful creek]

I enjoy life but this sounds like a poem that comes from a beautiful dream, or like first level heaven

I am not praising it or insulting it by saying that

[tender canopy]

Oh boy! Thanks @blissful creek ! It's too much of a compliment for an amateur like me.

Ok

[blissful creek]

Heaven has 7 levels

I am talking about the feeling

I like the feeling I get from good dreams

So I liked the poem

[tender canopy]

Oh. I see

I get what you mean

[blissful creek]

I hope I did not make you unhappy by saying that

[cosmic kelp]

this is amazing

is nice

[tender canopy]

No. I am happy you expressed your honest opinion

[tender canopy]

Thanks! I appreciate your words!

[blissful creek]

'I am not used to this much of loveliness' is a self-critique

[tender canopy]

Oh. That's philosophical

[blissful creek]

This poem is not 'enormous' but it is inspiring and beautiful, and I think I will write poetry that sounds like it came from a beautiful dream

Again, 'not enormous' is not a critique

[tender canopy]

I understand. This was written from a piece of paper with true feelings spread across the page. I didn't edit it again. It's a rough draft. It was beautiful so I let it be.

[blissful creek]

It is beautiful for it is not enormous

I am glad I've found this server

[tender canopy]

Me too.

[blissful creek]

The people here actually enjoy poetry and have different viewpoints

And style

[covert tide]

Forgive me but what's sikkim mean

[tender canopy]

Sikkim is a state of India

[covert tide]

Oh ok thank you

I like your letter

[tender canopy]

Thanks! Appreciate it

[molten crane]

I should firstly mention that this isn’t a poem or a piece of poetry but a full narrative storytelling writing.
Using the term “Sikkim” for eyes is not a very good poetic move to do once creating artistical associations because, maybe, I think you wanted to use a word that is supposed to reflect something aesthetically pleasing to the eyes. It’s like saying: “I found my love in your Occidental Europe eyes”, and it simply doesn’t work. Think of a more appealing phrasing like - sparkling, mesmerizing, alluring, captivating, stunning, gorgeous. (If you want to keep the term, try to use it in another circumstance as in comparing her eyes to the Sikkim state because x, y, z…)
I also suggest you to pay attention to the use of correct grammatical tenses while writing because you switched from past tense to a static motion then present, then present simple. Try to use the same tense for all the sentences or phrases within a fragment since you can easily lose readers due inconsistency.
You abuse commas. This is not a problem only you have but around 85% of the writers in this community and not only. You can take the comma out between “well” and “even”, between “problem” and “and” because and as a word itself is used to replace a comma or connect two different (or multiple) ideas, between “that” and “I”, between “others” and “that”. In others words - all the commas before “and” are extra and they do not help in creating a certain pleasing musicality when reading.

^ This is for the structure.
For the message, whatsoever, I do think you need a lot more work on expressing your sentiments and creating a concrete image assembling everything you have on your mind to transmit further to readers. You jump too quickly from an idea to another whilst some thoughts simply do not belong here. An example is the sentence mentioning the girl’s height which creates the impression of a very immature writing from the writer themselves - It simply doesn’t belong in this narration.

It’s an okayish writing per say but it needs so much more work sadly. Don’t worry though. Everything starts from somewhere.

Good luck! ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀

For the second statement. Do not hit me with the “I’m not a native english speaker” because I’m not one either but I use dictionaries a lot to be careful to my use of grammatical tenses and I re-read my work to remove mistakes in case I find some.

[tender canopy]

I clearly wrote a prose. That's, by no angle, a poetry. I appreciate your criticism, but these are not my feelings that I have expressed here. It's a letter...prose. And yes, thanks for the comma heads up. I tend to not edit it once I write a letter. I couldn't edit out the Sikkim part as it was the customer's request. And, yes, I am aware that I have jumped from thought to thought to portray that that's how people talk in real life.

I don't make excuses when it comes to criticism. No one's perfect. I used past tense because the writer had written it before the present times and wanted to have the reader involved in an indirect way but feeling everything personally.

[molten crane]

Don’t worry!

It’s good that you are open to feedback and criticism.

It’s advised to always check your overall writing a few times before-hand publishing it somewhere in a public space. Mistakes slip and it’s something human.

[tender canopy]

Yeah. Actually, this is not even the best of my works. You can read my actual poetry to get the gist of it. I welcome all types of criticism, because I give harsh critics too sometimes.

[tender canopy]

I understand

[tender canopy]

And yeah, I follow British English. @molten crane Thanks again for sharing your thoughts! (⁠◡⁠ ⁠ω⁠ ⁠◡⁠)

[molten crane]

Take it easy and relax. You’ll do great.

[tender canopy]

Yeah. No, don't take it the wrong way. I am actually thankful. I have never received such detailed and honest criticism.

[hollow hamlet]

damn I wish somebody would disect my works like this xD

it's alot to take in but it is well formulated criticism

[tender canopy]

Hmm. It was an honest one

[split briar]

Nice work @tender canopy

[split briar]

@hollow hamlet @hollow hamlet very thorough and I appreciate that in feedback.

[tender canopy]

Thanks! I appreciate it!

[split briar]

yw :3

[slender maple]

I would love to see more like this!

Loved it! It's raw,sweet and full of emotions!

[tender canopy]

Thanks! @slender maple !

It means a lot!

[surreal quest]

i've written a similar letter, post break-up, so this hits close. great work!

i'd be down to share if you want it. i think its pretty good. in dms tho