Thy birds will chirp,
as the church bells will ring scherp.
they will call you name -
but with shame.
shame is thy biggest,
as it turns into sickness.
The cheers and boos -
really splits some of us into twos.
#Shame Is Thy Biggest.
nimble ginkgo
<@&1116088175618699345> some feed back would be nice🫶
Shame Is Thy Biggest.
north wagon
its so good
ocean stag
I didnt see the need for the archaic english
Also not sure what scherp means? Dutch for Sharp?
Seems very abstract and I didn't really get it or the message.
I think you should take a moment where you've experienced the emotions you're trying to convey and show us that moment. Where as this seems like it is about nothing and I cannot see, feel or connect with anything
gusty magnet
Thy birds will chirp,
as the church bells will ring scherp.
they will call you ...
i like this, it feels medieval
prisma mango
I like the archaicisms tbh, but it does feel a bit awkward to have both "thy" and "really" in the same paragraph, especially this usage of the word "really".
The length of each line is also a bit of a mess that you might wanna fix, cos typically in poetry they should really follow some kind of pattern (or be roughly the same length). There are just a lot of words missing that you could use to fill up the shorter lines a bit.
But I'll say this, you at least make sure to rhyme consistently.
regal holly
I like the archaicisms tbh, but it does feel a bit awkward to have both "thy" an...
I like how the stanzas are separated. Because the older languague of "thy" is in the first paragraph then in the second stanza more modern language is used. It almost shows a change through the ages? Yet shame is the biggest throughout 🙂
But there is thy in the start of the second stanza
Maybe it acts like a transition
heavy flax
I mostly just like the medieval vibes. As I read, I formed a partial connection, and tried to feel the emotion, but the beginning and end threw me off. Otherwise, I love the shortness and lovely simplicity.
slate jackal
I appreciate the effort put into creating this poem, but I have some constructive feedback to give since I don’t consider it the greatest poetry written nowadays that tries to get inspiration from an archaic language.
The use of archaic language in the first two lines is inconsistent with the modern tone of the rest of the poem. It would be good to maintain a consistent tone throughout the poem.
Why modern? Let’s take a look at the modernism literary current that dates all the way back in the XVIIIth century in France where the writing has a main symbol around which you build the world. In this case: Shame. Shame is the central element upon which you create the entire setting.
The poem itself? The syntax and order of words tries to belong to the XVIth and early XVIIth centuries, during the English Renaissance. The literary currents during this time were characterized by: renewed interest in classical literature, humanism, and the exploration of the individual.
The fourth line, "shame is thy biggest," feels like a sudden shift in tone and topic because the fifth line, "as it turns into sickness," is a bit simplistic and lacks depth. It feels like a phrase thrown here just to be here, akin to a vase added for no reason in a painting.
The sixth line, "The cheers and boos - really splits some of us into twos," irritates my eyes because the word "really" wasn’t commonly used in the 16th and 17th centuries, but its frequency of use in literary writings is difficult to determine. (It's worth noting that the English language has evolved significantly since Shakespeare's time, so the way in which the word "really" was used may have been different than how it is used today. But what’s certain is that the poems written in that period of time didn’t have such colocvial terms like “really, “split” or even “like”.)
Sorry buds but better luck next time. Document yourself a little more on the lexicology, morfology and syntax of the Middle English language and read a lot. Don’t focus on W. Shakespeare. Go for Anglo-Saxon, religious, courtly romance, chivalric or medieval literature instead.
Anglo-Saxon prose (Bede and Alfred the Great), the Arthurian cycle — Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, The Canterbury Tales, The Wife of the Bath’s Tale, etc…
Here’s even more resources of reference: Thomas Kyd, Christopher Marlowe, [other playwrights]; theatre companies in the Elizabethan and Jacobean England.
Here’s a variant of the poem that fits the atmoshere you probably had before-hand in mind:
“The chirping birds and sharp ringing bells
Shall call thy name, but with it, shame dwells.
For shame doth turn to sickness, oh how it grows,
The cheers and boos doth split us into twos.”
regal holly
I appreciate the effort put into creating this poem, but I have some constructiv...
I almost saw the sickness part as a reference to the plague in which people believed that god was essentially punishing them, which brings in that factor of shame. Do you get what I mean?
Your criticism is very helpful damn I enjoyed reading it and will definitely use it to help myself even if it wasnt directly aimed at me !! : )
I learn new terms everyday because of u guys 😭😭
slate jackal
The amalgam of literary currents used in this poem push away the historical background of the (possible) Black Plague and its branches that reflect in writing tbh.
regal holly
The amalgam of literary currents used in this poem push away the historical back...
Ehat is amalgam
Mash up?
regal holly
Oh okay
But going of that middle ages feeling it seemed like that
I need to make more history related poetry
I have one on harold godwinson
Its abit confusing
Would u like to critique it 😼
slate jackal
I’d say that this poem due its language and structure brings a slight reminiscent of the Elizabethan era? It’s clearly not medieval though. Medieval literature is more of the general term used for all the writings belonging to the English canon from 5th century - 15th century while the Elizabethan era — as it is obvious — lasts in her reign years: 1558 - 1603.
Because if you take it accurately on the axis of time you have Anglo - Saxon literature and culture > Medieval literature > Courtly romance (romance) > Religious > Renaissance > Shakespearian plays and writings.
north wagon
@nimble ginkgo girl you famous af
north wagon
I appreciate the effort put into creating this poem, but I have some constructiv...
shes not mocking, shes new to poetry. She literally started writing few days ago, dont judge people like this. And everyone from this server wont mock and you know that. I appreciate the other stuff said except that part, so dont.
slate jackal
Ok.
Wait. Is mock having a negative connotation? I had been taught it is a synonym for mimick.
I apologize if it sounded wrong but it wasn’t my intention. I’ll modify the message then.
north wagon
all good
slate jackal
Returning back to the main topic… I think the feedback says more than enough.
I hope she finds use of it.
north wagon
i mean one small paragraph and an essay for that...she'll definitely find that helpful!
slate jackal
I attached some authors from each big English literary current if she’s interested in reading more literature from the Middle Ages and even before that.
north wagon
Thank u