knotty saddle
@cold summit dk if you’re still on this post
This is a rly good poem! However I noticed there are several areas that need improvement. The use of vague and abstract language hinders clarity, making it challenging to understand the intended message. Additionally, the rhyming scheme lacks consistency, leading to a disjointed flow and disrupting the poem's rhythm.
Lmk if you want specific details
cold summit
<@383632738797748224> dk if you’re still on this post
This is a rly good poem...
I will want some further assistance to see such examples of disjointed flow that disrupts the rhythm.
wrong channel
somber pendant
what do you mean
cold summit
what do you mean
why do you post a poem of your own here? if you need help you should post yours in a newly made thread for it not here.
somber pendant
what is this made for then>
cold summit
@knotty saddle The use of vague and abstract language hinders clarity, making it challenging to understand the intended message.
i would also like some example of such language so i can explain it for you if you have any difficulties
cold summit
what is this made for then>
@somber pendant also it is very weird that you just joined the server today and from all you have decided to post your work in my thread which have been posted nearly 2 months ago and it was surely lost between the other 700+ posts since then.
somber pendant
are you high or what?
i am new here and I don't know where to post
that's why i posted poem here, by mistake
what's so wrong in it?
cold summit
then please remove it and post it on your own thread
cold summit
yes thanks
royal bramble
🙄
knotty saddle
I will want some further assistance to see such examples of disjointed flow that...
"All those who cry were once a child": This line has a powerful idea, but it could be enhanced by providing more descriptive language to evoke emotion.
"Carry your griefs like a father,": The metaphor of carrying grief like a father is interesting, but the next line doesn't seem to connect well with this imagery.
"Hear my plead in unison,": The word "plead" could be replaced with "plea" for grammatical accuracy.
“Empty words you will listen!": This line feels disconnected from the rest of the poem, and the meaning is not entirely clear. "Swords emerge with rhyme and reason!": This concluding line has a strong impact, but the poem might benefit from more cohesive elements leading up to it.
Lmk if this helps!
knotty saddle
I will want some further assistance to see such examples of disjointed flow that...
Carry your grief to the soldier line there is a random comma idk if that was on accident but it breaks the flow when reading
cold summit
Carry your grief to the soldier line there is a random comma idk if that was on ...
from what i see you didnt really read the poem as a whole but rather on each line without connecting the meaning to each one of the verse, and thats fine!
here some explication in case you were lost>
Carry your griefs like a father, Steady like a solider, mother,
usually, fathers are the ones who go to war and are soliders and mothers are the ones who bear their loss so i reversed the roles for a surprizing effect cuz it is not in the litteral sense it is methaphoric, so like father s grief, in silent, mothers also fight like soliders, meaning like fathers, and this is tied as a summary to the first part which goes: All those who speak were once a soul >All those who cry were once a child It is about childhood and that we all had the similar fears and darkness and eventually grew over them
and the ending is a plea that will never be listen bcs empty words, they will reach no one bcs there is no plea to begin with, the ending is a trap. and now tie this to the mid section with mother and father.
cold summit
"All those who cry were once a child": This line has a powerful idea, but it cou...
and the gramatical error was intentional bcs along the poem i used alliteration, the repetition of a sound, i choose a lot of words with d, so it sounds rougher.
i used plenty of rhyme methods.
knotty saddle
Ooo yeah so maybe you can do like
Carry your griefs, father
Steady like a soldier, Mother
So they at least match up with some sort of pattern
knotty saddle
and the gramatical error was intentional bcs along the poem i used alliteration,...
Damn i never thought of that
worthy sentinel
But then the subject changes.
Carry your griefs FATHER, steady like a SOLDIER, mother.
Carry your griefs, father steady like a SOLDIER, mother
If you were to move the comma you lose the personalisation of the subject which is the FATHER. along with that direct address to the subject
Because then you are likening the father
To the SOLDIER
knotty saddle
But then the subject changes.
Carry your griefs FATHER, steady like a SOLDIER,...
Good point but Why can’t it be
Carry your GRIEFS father
Steady like a SOLDIER mother
cold summit
Ooo yeah so maybe you can do like
Carry your griefs, father
Steady like a sold...
mother is separated from the rest of the text so it looks out of place, and you would be wondering why is it separated, well again you look at the meaning in the first lines, about childhood
knotty saddle
Yeah…
cold summit
who is usually the one who is closer to the children in their childhood
knotty saddle
Mother
worthy sentinel
I love that Mina smart choice