#weekly poetry #1 (critiques appreciated - wrote this feeling uninspired) themes: absurdist ambitions

33 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

gentle nebula
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alright! thank you for noticing my existence haha

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its really good, but the first stanza if you added a bit more powerful(?) words it can grab the reader's attention better, i may just have a short attention span but it was hard to keep reading and like take mental notes of. still really good though! i hope you keep writing because this is great <3

light acorn
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Woahh your vocabulary is so impressive and this is super good. The only thing I can think to possibly change would be in the third line of the second stanza, where instead of saying “ring through hollowed” you could say “ring throughout abandoned”

dreamy gull
light acorn
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Can I ask why you would make that change? I’m not shooting the idea down or anything, I’m just trying to understand the significance behind the change yk

light acorn
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Wow I can tell that a lot of thought went into this. Sound and flow wise I, like you, think that cathedral fits better. I will say though the reason I didn’t mind citadel is because of the line before it, so yk the whole “among dead men” thing along with “citadel” created the mental image of like fallen soldiers that failed to protect their city’s peace, which I think kinda fits in with the rest of your poem. A similar image can be created using cathedral too tho, so it’s really up to you! And I like the last four lines a lot! I think they really tie the poem together by matching the still, almost mysterious vibe of the first four lines (sorry idk if that’s a good way to explain it😭)

dreamy gull
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I wasn't able to catch on that well, but maybe that is just me considering that I am completely blind lol

cedar minnow
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Nauseating and sweet

ngl i think this line would be improved if it was changed to "yet nauseatingly sweet" because it connects the two ideas: unless thats not what youre going for

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small details are so fun to change in poetry. i dwell on word choice so much though sometimes i change the meaning of the poem lol

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hmm if you remove the yet it might be. I added the "yet" just for length.

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oo thats good wording! like it

light acorn
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Wait but does that make sense grammatically😭? Idk I may just be stupid and a little too tired to think straight, but wouldn’t you have to change sweet to sweetly?

cedar minnow
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nauseatingly sweetly would imply theres a word after it

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that burns nauseatingly sweet finishes the statement

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for this blissful nectar?

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ahh fair

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for their*

light acorn
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Ah yeah now that I see it written out it makes a lot more sense, my bad. Couldn’t you just change it to the tho?

cedar minnow
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their not meaning a person, just out of your possession

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you can denote "their" to the earth. "their" doesn't have to be a person

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their just means belonging to

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if that makes any sense

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hmm

light acorn
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Hm this is tough. What if you just change the “Nauseating and sweet” from the original to “Nauseatingly sweet” and keep the rest the same? Is it necessary to add the burns part?

cedar minnow
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yeahh

light acorn
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I think it’s fine if you’re saying it in reference to the nectar??

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Yeahh you’re right. What if you change it to nauseating but/yet sweet

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Or you could just keep it the same as the original tbh I thought it was fine as is😭 It may be one of those things you just have to think on

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That’s typically how it goes

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Lmao dw we’ll figure it out eventually. I don’t mind that but I think it flows a bit awkwardly

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What if you change the third line to “All and only for that blissful nectar” so that there isn’t such a large difference in syllables between the lines. Or to anything else that may accomplish that lol

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I don’t think I was of much help, but you’re welcome! I prefer a much more simple writing style, so Im not sure if my poems would be to your liking. I’ll tag you in one if you’d like tho :) And in a similar way to how you used the word like to begin every line in the second stanza to engage the reader, it’s okay to use “weak” words to make it more easy to understand (imo). You’ve written the poem very eloquently, so that’ll make up for any “weak” words that you use :))

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I tagged you! :)