#Give tips suggestions/ this is the first poem I have ever tried to write

7 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

astral aspen
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Idk how to set this up but I’m not finished I’m just looking for some tips or things to make it better but it’s about my experience with this one boy who bully’s me

The words this boy once said to me
made me feel so lost and lonely
he made me cry all day and night
I just wished these words would go away.
I sat up thinking to myself; How do these words effect me?
Either I’m fat or either im skinny, I just gotta let myself free from this negative energy.
Your words remind me of losing a pet at first it hurts and you’ll never forget but eventually you move on.
The tears that went down my face, the tears that I can never replace
You made others laugh at me
You made me insecure about my personality

astral aspen
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Thank you for the tips!!!

elfin oracle
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there are some phrases that are clear pleonasms, making anything less cluttered is always better, and the other person had some good notes

elfin oracle
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using too many words for something

astral aspen
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Ohh

astral aspen
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I’m so stuck on how to change it and add your suggestions