#Summer is coming

66 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

hallow basalt
#

open to constructive criticism for this and all my poems!

chilly violet
#

it's perhaps too naive for my taste, I would certainly like to have some conflict or deeper meaning here. Summer could be a person and the season. I feel like you could play with that more so the reader does not know if you want to spend time with Summer or in Summer.
In a sense, the poem already starts that word play, but it could be the whole poem I thin.
I would also try to relate to "summer" lyrics and literature. Specially Summertime, the song. There is a similar moto to your poem that illustrates a conflict but still "resolves it"

slim ledge
#

I don't know litrature in any depth, so I can only give a readers opinion, I think it's too simple, I don't understand any depth or hidden meaning in it and did not really stirr my emotions so I would say 5/10. (It's just honest feedback ).

hallow basalt
#

thanks!

chilly violet
#

btw, I feel like you enjoy the topic of "good time ahead" as another poem of your is about it

#

I like it too

#

I feel one interesting way to create some "depth" is to work on the idea "what moves us? Are we running to or from things?" this creates an interesting dilema, as running to is like pursuing a future and from is related to the past

hallow basalt
#

how can I create that depth effect^

#

?*

#

maybe I could make references to the dawn referring to the past and sunset like the future? maybe that would give the future a pessimistic view, as sunset's typically associated with death of some sort

chilly violet
#

Think about Summertime

#

the song

#

from Gershwin

#

Summertime
And the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton, the cotton is high
Oh, your daddy's rich
And your ma, she's good lookin'
So hush, little baby
Don't you cry
One of these mornings
You're gonna rise up singing
You're gonna spread your wings
And take, and take to the sky
Until that morning
Ain't nothing can harm you
With daddy and ma standing by
Standing by
Standing by, little baby
Standing by

#

there is a subtle conflict here

#

that creates a huge depth into a song that could simply be about life being good

#

and that actually shows you how life and times ahead have are far from good

#

depending on who you are

#

do you get it?

#

can you point out where does this conflict starts in the lyric?

hallow basalt
chilly violet
#

let me show you

#

it starts with cotton

#

cotton is high, it means it is time to pick the cotton from the fields

#

the typical slave labour

#

then it moves to

#

your daddy is rich

#

and your ma is good looking

#

that means two things: (i) the person holding a baby/child is not the mother; (ii) it is a black woman, likely a slave

#

we can tell she is black by two reasons: historically, that is the job black woman did - raising white rich kids

#

and linguitically

#

your ma is rich - "ma" here

hallow basalt
#

i don't get the (i) part

chilly violet
#

the way she does not speak clearly all the words, resembles the way black people spoke english

#

you see, she is telling a child or baby

#

that his future ahead is bright

#

and he has nothing to worry about

#

if she says: your daddy is rich and ma she's good looking

#

it means she is not the mother of this child

hallow basalt
#

right

chilly violet
#

so very subtle

#

we start to understand

#

the scene

#

a black woman, likely a slave, is holding/caring a child that is from the family that owns the cotton fields plantations

hallow basalt
#

ok

chilly violet
#

and she is telling this child: everything is going to be ok, one day you will grow and live by yourself, but you got your back covered

#

but the point here is: this lady telling him this knows that she is not free to live the way she wants

#

and nobody has her back covered

#

the reason why this song is so great and so powerfull

#

is that even though it talks about summer and good things in life

#

and it is very evocative with images

#

the main thing is that it reveal an incredibly sad and dark reality

#

that this woman is not free, she won't go anywhere, no one got her covered, while this white rich kid will one day grown and decide his/her own future

#

crazy good right?

hallow basalt
#

absolutely

chilly violet
#

I mean, look how much "depth" there is to a song that in her appearance is only about "don't worry, great times are coming"

hallow basalt
#

that's true

#

thanks for explaining

#

i think I might change the title and the poem (while keeping the "theme" summer), I was thinking of making some kind of "Waiting for Godot", where the main characters wait for someone who'll never arrive

#

i was thinking of calling the poem "promise of summer" or something like that

chilly violet
#

oh wow

#

I love waiting for godot

#

Interesting. Post it again when you make changes we can work on it

hallow basalt
#

should I make a new post and close this or just edit this one?
btw rn I got to go study, I'll see you when I'll see you

chilly violet
#

No idea what's best, just let me know if you make another post

#

yeah, gtg to work