#(harsh criticism needed!)Requiem For A Dying World

13 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

magic willow
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(harsh criticism needed!)Requiem For A Dying World

limpid schooner
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I Like kt, but I feel it lacks meaning and moral

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Also too many enjambments

proud cave
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Line 2's meter is off, and so is Line 6, 7, (arguably 8 as well), and 13 seems to be missing an unstressed syllable at the beginning.

I like the unique rhymes, but "love that kissed" doesn't make sense to me.

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I like the imagery though.

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Would you want a more in-depth critique, or nah?

magic willow
proud cave
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I'm a bit confused as to what "sorrow's chain" in Line 4 is.

Is "a truth I could not feign" in Line 8 a roundabout way of saying that you couldn't make this thing up? Personally, I'd reword that line, but I can be a bit critical sometimes.

The last line doesn't have as much impact as it could, in my opinion. The sentiment is supported in stanza 1, but the speaker no longer speaks of it after that... so is the speaker actually cherishing lessons learned, if they're not even thinking about it?

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The capitalization and punctuation is consistent, which is nice. I also really like the line, "The stars above, aloof in their regard,"

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There's also the matter of "mist" in Line 13 and "kissed" in Line 14. Depending on where you are, I think the pronunciation of "kissed" can sound like "kisst" or "kissed." I read it the second way, so it does jar me a little.

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Hope that was helpful. 👀 It was a lovely read. If you wanna exchange feedback on each other's poetry sometime, I'd be up for it. 😄 My DMs are open.

magic willow
proud cave
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Yup, you're welcome. :3 See you in DMs.