craggy creek
"If"
if I have a ruler's scepter for a minute
I will command my chaos into order
if I am a wealthy merchant for an hour
I will end hunger, thirst & longings
if I can charm the world for a day
I will have you stay forever
But the only realm I have
is my heart & it has been
ripped apart
This is a little under baked, especially the story logic. But I'm unsure how to improve it. Let me hear your suggestions.
orchid nymph
suggestions:
there’s a rudyard kipling poem of the same name that I don’t like, might be worth looking at (it has some issues, but similar style to this one)
perhaps try rewriting it in meter? might clarify some things for you
definitely read it out loud, or better yet, have someone else read it to you
it doesn’t make as much sense as a finished poem should, I think
maybe think about what each image is really saying? analyze your own poetry
and perhaps restructure them for clarity
think that’s most of the suggestions I could give
orchid nymph
maybe think about what each image is really saying? analyze your own poetry
for example, what do you mean by “if I can charm the world for a day / I will have you loyal”? that doesn’t make much sense to me - it needs clarification/editing, rewriting, or removal
craggy creek
for example, what do you mean by “if I can charm the world for a day / I will ha...
the heart is torn & in chaos, because of betrayal. How differently should that charm line be? "I will have you loyal to me", "I will have you stay loyal to me"? But at the same time, you don't want a 'cheap' & forced loyalty
orchid nymph
the heart is torn & in chaos, because of betrayal. How differently should that c...
it just seems like one of those sentences that doesn’t make total sense to anyone but the author - can you clear it up?
you need more rephrasing than what you suggested in that comment
craggy creek
okay i hear ya. It;s hard isn't it to unblind an author's blindspot? This is why I need help. Any other story weaknesses than the charm-loyal line?