#Wither Rose

17 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

novel grove
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If you could see the power that you hold,
Like a vile venom in a withered Rose,
We, indeed, shared the fate you had foretold;
Now you can say, 'Told you so,' I suppose.

It is hard to say who was wrong or right,
Or perhaps our timing was a bit off;
Even though you tempt promises of light,
Those around you are nothing but a scoff.

While I am not the one to be the judge,
I question the point of those black petals:
How could one know that even a small nudge
Would thorn us into such throbbing perils?

I now smell the true value of your scent,
But some mistakes one can only lament.

  • @novel grove
rare oriole
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Yo can u give me feed back

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On one

novel grove
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<@&968253730841567284> So here's one I was working on. Trying to work specifically on the natural stress of words in iambic pentameter. Anyone, feel free to give me any feedback on any part 🙂

novel grove
rare oriole
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Add me I’ll do u it bro

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Dm*

faint swan
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I'd love to work with you on this one! Are you trying to make it consistently iambic, or are you breaking that rhythm intentionally?

novel grove
faint swan
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Cool! I can help you make the iambic more consistent in the places you want. The second stanza, for example, isn't iambic at all... but the lack of that metronome rhythm kind of works with the theme of looking back to the past ant thinking of what went wrong- like the thoughts are unorganized and natural.

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Are the "promises of light" related to the flower metaphor?

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Also, I think using scoff as a noun in the second stanza kinda throws it a bit, especially because you rhymed a conversational/casual phrase "a bit off" with such an archaic usage of scoff

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Maybe: "surrounding people look at you and scoff" would be close to what you want to say, adding in consistent iambs. Also, just throwing it out there that I think if that last line could use flowers to represent the people around her that wilt because of her lack of light, that might be fun to experiment with- just to add flower imagery into that second stanza. Maybe something like "The flowers that surround you droop and cough/scoff"

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Feel free to ignore me lol

novel grove
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Hi! Hey sorry, I’m not ignoring! I live in Japan so time difference! Thank you for your feedback :)) I’ll get back to you!

novel grove
faint swan
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No problem! I just meant, don't feel obligated to take my advice