#Um

16 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

restive sequoia
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Hello, I need some critiques for this poem ASAP

Winter Night

A cold, blizzard winter
In early December,
At the place where I live
Waiting for my special gift
To come into my reality.

An endless winter nights
With a campfire that ignites,
Waiting and waiting
For my true destiny
To come into my life.

A delightful, special holidays
With lots of hopes to spare,
But today, everything's so gray,
Blurry visions that I can't tell,
But I kept on waiting.

I kept on waiting
Waiting for the right time,
Until December 25,
It was my time
To find my special gift.

I started my journey
Into the whiteness void
To find hope and peace
And to find my special gift,
I kept on going.

I kept on going
And going
And going
And then I realized
That it's a never-endless void.

I'm starting to give up
Until the end of my journey,
I need to find hope and peace
And to find my special gift,
But I still kept on going.

I kept on going
And going
Until I've found my true destiny
My only precious gift
On this cold, blizzard winter night.

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ebon zenith
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I love it, it's giving many vibes and everything in it is seemed to be balanced

restive sequoia
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Is there a way to fix that?

tender cairn
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It's great! I think that you could, in general, use more specific descriptions.

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I think the reason why people think it's confusing is because it switches between moods and those changes aren't clear.

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You could make these changes clearer with more vivid imagery. For example, instead of saying "true" or "delightful" use words that better fit the image you're describing.

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Think of poetry as trying to get your reader to see a painting using words.

restive sequoia
ebon zenith
restive sequoia
verbal crown
# restive sequoia Oh, I see

Can you tell us what you're trying to convey? Cause you're talking about the special gift and it's metaphorical, and I am one of those people who actually do not get it as well.

restive sequoia
tender cairn
# restive sequoia Yep, you're one of the people too

This depends on what you want this poem to be, but I would consider rewriting it so that the point you're trying to convey is clearer. If it's someone that's just for you, I would leave it as is. But, if you want it to be someone other people can appreciate, you need to clue them into what's happening more. It's great to not give everything away, but there's a difference between being indirect and being unfocused.