#I want your opinion on this poem I wrote

79 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

minor salmon
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can you guys tell me what do you think of this poem?

vital skiff
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yea

minor salmon
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give me a sec I'll post it rn

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Impossible love

I love you even in spite
Of crises
The logic of reason
Philosophies
If you are a dream
If you are an illusion
If you are the future of another

You were more beautiful than I thought
How can I keep my weak heart caught
I fell and It wasn’t my fault
I have a big heart to love you I ought
I’m drowning in your love its so soft

I love you even in spite
Of crises
The logic of reason
Philosophies
If you are a dream
If you are an illusion
If you are the future of another

Together under a sky full of stars but
no star glowing more than you are
no star will make me forget to breathe like I’m in mars
no star is catches my eyes like you are

I love you even in spite
Of crises
The logic of reason
Philosophies
If you are a dream
If you are an illusion
If you are the future of another

You’re a princesses I thought
because that brightness in your smile
never shows, how many dark battles
you had to fight alone

Ich liebe dich auch trotz,
der möglichen Krisen
der Logik der Vernunft
der Philosophien
und auch
wenn du nur ein Traum bist
wenn du nur eine Illusion bist
wenn du nur in der Zukunft anderer bist

forever been loving you forever
you too been drawing in my love with pleasure
Hold my hand everything is easy together
Don’t give up all great things take time whatsoever

Ich liebe dich auch trotz,
der möglichen Krisen
der Logik der Vernunft
der Philosophien
und auch
wenn du nur ein Traum bist
wenn du nur eine Illusion bist
wenn du nur in der Zukunft anderer bist

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You’re like my precious treasure
I want anyone to know about you never
because of the fear of you getting stolen with pressure
Sometime I might fail to tell, altogether
I miss you all day, every day, forever
your message’s what keep me going under the bad weather

Ich liebe dich auch trotz,
der möglichen Krisen
der Logik der Vernunft
der Philosophien
und auch
wenn du nur ein Traum bist
wenn du nur eine Illusion bist
wenn du nur in der Zukunft anderer bist

I don’t know what you see in me
but I see a beautiful soul in you
don’t be scared that I’ll leave you
once you hold me, I’m gonna hold you forever
you’ll always have me, I promise
hug me tight when we meet
I want to spend the rest of my life with you
-thank you for being the most beautiful part of my life

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@proper otter

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what do you guys think

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I want to make it the best

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but you know its hard to

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do so

vital skiff
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i don't read german sorry /gen

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but let me look at the other parts

minor salmon
minor salmon
vital skiff
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this is great

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there isn't an obvious hole in your story that i can see

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nor like something that looks weird

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maybe that's because you don't do rhyming so there's no weird words added in

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but this is nice

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let me have a look if i can tell the story in another angle

minor salmon
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okay thank you

vital skiff
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actually 'keep my heart caught' isn't quite correct?

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or maybe i've just misunderstood it

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it caught, like i caught my hand in barbed wire, but swap barbed wire for the love?

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"no star will make me forget to breathe like I’m in mars" I feel like the 'mars' part isn't necessary?

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also i feel this is the time to swap in the cliché 'steal my breath'

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the last stanza is good (and direct)

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in S2 also 'I have a big heart to love you I ought' I think 'ought' has to go with 'to' to make 'ought to', meaning 'must'

minor salmon
minor salmon
minor salmon
vital skiff
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i feel like to replace the line in the most basic way possible would be something like "I fell into you and you were never something I sought" but definitely there will be some better way

minor salmon
vital skiff
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'taught' also rhymes there could be something you have that helps

minor salmon
minor salmon
vital skiff
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also 'weak heart' and 'big heart' doesn't really match that well?

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maybe 'soft heart' would be better

minor salmon
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ooohh yeah exactly

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can I use soft heart twice?

vital skiff
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i think you should swap the 'heart' bit out so that there's still a link and not repeating twice

minor salmon
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I have a big heart to love you like I was taught

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is this good? ^^

vital skiff
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it is correct but what does it say tho

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i am thinking about things i could write

minor salmon
minor salmon
vital skiff
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just like rephrase it so that it still obviously links to each other but doesn't repeat

minor salmon
vital skiff
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cuz the repetition you use in this poem is all about structure

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if you repeat without it being about structure it kinda feels weird

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just stylistically

minor salmon
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yeah yeah now I understand

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do you have any pointers?

vital skiff
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like what

minor salmon
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no like do you have anything that I could change here too?

vital skiff
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you reeled me in after you pulled my heartstrings taut

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i don't like 'reeled in' but this is quite poetic

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because 'reeled in' kinda sounds like you've been taken advantage of but if you switch it out it might be good

minor salmon
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hmm idk what to use here tbh

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I think reeled in

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is good since I'm the one writing it and I'm not getting take advantage of

vital skiff
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okay

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if you're okay with it

minor salmon
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yeah I like it

minor salmon
vital skiff
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no

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this really depends on how you write

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for myself I really lean in to the hidden meanings of it all but it might not be the case for you

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and even for me I do appreciate a powerful passage delivering emotion directly

minor salmon
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okay thank you so much fr

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I have to go sleep now

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but thank you so much for all the help

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would you mind if DMed you if I was stuck some where?

vital skiff
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ya sure

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💜