help

[willow thicket]

Here @severe mica

[severe mica]

~craving the darkness~

I've spent my life closing my eyes towards things I fear.
I'd sell my soul just to make the noise of this world disappear.
To be wrapped in the soft loving arms of Serenity.
To shut the world up in a box.. or rather me.
Bury me under the blue sky far from this thing we call humanity.
I crave the darkness.
For the world to get it over and done with and drown me.
But deep down, I know I don't wish to be.
I wish to be free.
Safe and free in the arms of the one that means the most to me.

this is one of them

[willow thicket]

Sure, will get to it sometime. I now have it archived 🙏🐢

[severe mica]

thank you!! 🙂

[sharp matrix]

@severe mica shorten some lines, other wise it's fine 🙂

[willow thicket]

I read it a couple of times now. I will give small notes before I got to sleep and do more tomorrow, hope that is ok.
Firstly, I like to start with structure and there are a couple of things to note here with varying degrees of relevancy.

1. It seems that a lot of lines start with some I which might be meaningful in a way to note the personal nature of the work, to make it more clearly state of mind work rather than, for example, a scenic work.
2. We have two very abrupt short lines, personally I understand "I wish to be free" one since it has a purpose but I truly have no idea about the "I crave the darkness" one.
3. Rhyme is 2,3,1,4 which is very odd to me. I cannot find any meaning there. Maybe a good suggestion would be to lose the darkness line and have 2,7 rhyme or make first five lines about sensual dejection and rest about the what one wishes not to sense, so it would be 5,7 (means you need to add a couple of lines).
   I'll leave it here for now since I am very tired but will come back tomorrow.

[severe mica]

this was my first poem i didn't really rhyme properly i thought the reading was a bit choppy. and could use a better flow

[willow thicket]

I think there is confusion here.
The first 5 lines are depicting a sort of state of desire whilst after that we are told about the world? I do not understand why we are doing that. It seems rather disconnected from the purpose.
I think the first 5 lines are perfect as is, did not see anything to add or subtract. Lines after I would remove and focus more on the feeling of oneself, ei the wish to disappear from the world, or to transform the feeling rather than the scene into a realization, ei to make it more about how you realize that you do not actually want to disappear. Or something like that.
Hope this helps.

[carmine hound]

Truly Master Oogway is the only one.

[willow thicket]

I have no idea what this means.

[carmine hound]

You have the best reviews lmao