#english-help

8 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

tired mirage
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Oh ohk..I will make sure to prepare some questions!

charred tangle
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The Rich Man
I am a rich man.
I wonder why they call it stealing when it all belongs to me.
I heard the sky is the limit so I bought out the sky.
I see the ants below me clambering up the hill.
I want them to know that hill came from me.
I am a rich man.

I am a rich man.
I pretend I am an equal like them, but
I feel disgust as they look at me like just an other.
I touch it all and turn it to gold, but
I worry that when I've got it all I've got none at all.
I am a rich man.

I am a rich man.
I cry lovely rivers of gold streaming across the sky.
I understand that loneliness is a lie I tell them and they tell themselves.
I say it must be lonely to have and never need to want, but
I dream only of taking more and I wake to find I already have it.
I am a rich man.
@English
Could you all review this and tell me what you think on 1-4 for
Conventions
Subject/theme
Devices
Voice

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!English

runic prairieBOT
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<@&1008544196157775964>

English Helper

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Good luck!
cobalt roseBOT
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-# @charred tangle has pinged the English helper role.

ancient kestrel
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Your theme is a solid 4, moral decay has been effectively conveyed. The contrast between the speaker’s perception of ownership and their internal emptiness creates a powerful narrative. Voice too is a solid 4; consistent, arrogant, yet deeply insecure. You captured the tone of someone who has convinced themselves of their own importance, only to realize the trap they have built. Devices would be a 3, could use more sensory imagery, conventions is a 3, could use a bit of polishing

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Overall love it, the internal monologues really give some depth

charred tangle
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100% on the ai detectors 🙏

ancient kestrel
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Hmm?

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Could use commas esp. in the 2nd line for clarity

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Optionally could add a question mark in end for 'belongs to me'.

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But still its very solid, a few minor corrections would be a nice touch up

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Btw, is it for a test?

charred tangle
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no my teacher just told us to write a poem

ancient kestrel
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Oh ok, really nice!