ramblings of an Intp

[calm dock]

Just some essays and insights

Kafkaesque is symbolic of Franz Kafka's work which generally consisted of unnecessary, annoying and frustrating experiences, but is being forced to navigate the depths of bureaucracy really the depths of the work of Franz Kafka?
Kafka's Poseidon tells the story of Lord Poseidon busy with paperwork and office chores that he doesn't have any time for exploring his kingdom. The joke here is that bureaucracy has forced a God to abandon his kingdom and spend most of his life doing paperwork. But Poseidon never really deemed anyone else (staff) to be worthy of either helping him or doing his work. He's a prisoner of his own ego.
The absurdity of bureaucracy + The Irony of MC's reasoning = Kafakesque. Bureaucracy is said to be tyranny without a tyrant, its only sole purpose is to perpetuate itself.
Let's divide the meaning into 2 for better understanding-
A) For external suffering
B) For internal suffering
A is related to annoying bureaucratic experiences and is symbolic of arbitrary power. Example- In Metamorphosis, The first problem which came to mind of The mc after transforming into a cockroach is to reach the office on time.
B is related to internal suffering, due to irony of MC's reasoning. Example- Poseidon was a prisoner of His own ego. The hunger artist starved himself to death not to perfect his art but because he never found a food he liked.
Comparing A with B-
B is in turmoil because of an arbitrary power that forces it to succumb to annoying experiences, A is in turmoil because of the irony of its own reasoning.

Is bureaucracy really illogical?
Let's assume that A is trapped in a cube of bureaucracy, and A doesn't have any strong beliefs or interests ( An anchor from outside the cube) which connect itself with the outside world. The cube will change from a triangle to a sphere to a hexagon but A will be trapped forever because The cube represents the confines of ones's own mind. If bureaucracy really is a labyrinth* which perpetuated itself, Then someone trapped in a labyrinth will not be able to stay sane without a strong anchor outside.
References: 1. kafkaesque-https://youtu.be/wkPR4Rcf4ww
2. Labyrinth - Refer to Murakami's Umoibe no Kafka(Kafka on the Shore)
"It was the Mesopotamians. They pulled animal intestines- sometimes human intestines- and used the shape to predict the future. They admired the complex shape of intestines. So, the prototype for labyrinth is, in a word, guts. Which means the principle for the labyrinth is inside you. And that as to the labyrinth outside."
"That's right.A reciprocal metaphor. Things outside you are a projection of what's inside you., and what's inside you is a projection of what's outside you. So when you step into the labyrinth outside you, at the same time you're stepping into the labyrinth inside you. Most definitely a risky business ." page no.-461.

3. Dystopia -In my opinion, Kafka beautifully depicts a dystopia. An arbitrary power and illogical reasoning.

[calm dock]

ramblings of an Intp

[calm dock]

welcome 😁 feel free to write your opinion

[calm dock]

Art is an imitation of Nature.
This discussion is based on

1. "Beauty is terror."
2. "Difference between art and beauty."

Jpb in his podcast, discussing Dosteovesky's idiot said that Art will ultimately save the world, the reason art is terrifying is that when you display the art that you like, they can see what's beautiful to you, what type of beauty communicates with you, They can see the essence of your soul.
Natural beauty is observed to be temporary, the blooming flower shall wither, the tree shall wither, the man's body shall degrade, the beauty of women shall pass too and the snow on the mountain shall melt. Every beautiful thing found in nature is associated with the truth of death. That's why permanent beauty is rarely cherished, as on the next day, we'll look for temporary pleasures.
The contradiction I faced in this argument is Art is preserved and its beauty may be permanent and may be appreciated for centuries. Take any art you like Paintings, music, literature, poetry, architecture and sculptures. The beauty in this art is preserved. (Maybe) Beauty doesn't reside in the physical manifestation of art but in the spiritual existence of it. Maybe the essence of beauty is reflected/created by the artist, assumes the shape of our soul, touches us / reaches us in places unreachable of Physical or mental touch. Art is a reflection of our soul.

References
Lux Freeman podcast: Jordan B Peterson

"Beauty is terror" - The secret history by Donna Tartt, Julian's Lecture on Plato's 4 madnesses

[frosty spindle]

Cyril: I quite understand your objection to art being treated as a mirror. You think it would reduce genius to the position of a cracked-looking glass. But you don't mean tp say that you seriously believe Life imitates art that life is in fact the mirror and Art the reality?
Vivian: Certainly I do.
Oscar's Wilde "The decaying life"
Reference to the notes of Ulysses BY James Joyce. Chapter 1 (Telemachus), Page no. 8

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I really like how Penguin celebrated imperfect and damaged covers of books, The books we see on display are so perfect and clean, that it hurts us if our covers are not picture-perfect. But this shows how much we love the books, the torn pages, the creases over the spines and the messy annotations. All of these symbolise our love for them and it's beautiful to see a book that is loved unconditionally. Take care of your books but don't worship the covers.

[heady kindle]

"But this shows how much we love the books, the torn pages, the creases over the spines and the messy annotations."

Indeed, as always, a clean book is a bad sign. After all, in my opinion, it is the representation of ourselves. The books are us and we are them.

[calm dock]

Secret history , Chapter 1 notes
Richard starts the chapter with this epic line. Its speechless no words

Does such a thing as The fatal flaw, that showy dark crack running down the middle of a life , exists outside literature? I was used to think it didnt. Now i think it does. And i think mine is this : A morbid longing for the picteresque at all costs. A moi. L ' histoire d'une de mes folies

He talks about the plainness of his birthtown, Plano, using metaphors, places, sceneries to give us an image of meaningless life being brought up in a Californian lifestyle. A life spent in a monochrome environment , drained by lying on the carpet, watching TV the whole day, filling the meaningless existence.

I felt as if my existence was tainted.
https://cdn.discordapp.com/emojis/957227544325816451.webp?size=48&name=Getou_Laugh&quality=lossless this quote is soooooooo good

He recalls going to Uni studying Pre-med because doctors make money and he took Greek randomly. He grew to be infatious of Greek because they were not filled with jars of cow heart, screaming monkeys or the putrid stench of formaldehyde. He excelled in Greek and did poor in Med (his main subject).

He thought if he worked hard, he would be able to grow a talent in Biology, but he remain distasteful with Biology, He (called it a Pyrrhic gesture) changed his main major to literature, hiding from his parents if he would fail, he would like to fail in a "lucrative field" He liked literature better.

I dont think i can explain the despair my surroundings inspired in me.
🥹 https://cdn.discordapp.com/emojis/853826069635006484.gif?size=48&name=DaShocked&quality=lossless https://cdn.discordapp.com/emojis/853826065221943316.gif?size=48&name=DaRage&quality=lossless SOOOOO GOOOOD

An interpretation of Milton's Paradise Lost, That mind is its own place, in itself can make a hell or heaven. His journal entry represents * his distaste for his hometown. ROT. That's how I interpreted it. That's what it was. ROTTING green plague eating away my bosom.

• the journal entry: “There is to me about this place a smell of rot, the smell of rot that ripe fruit makes. Nowhere, ever, have the hideous mechanics of birth and copulation and death—those monstrous upheavals of life that the Greeks call miasma, defilement—been so brutal or been painted up to look so pretty; have so many people put so much faith in lies and mutability and death death death.”

[viscid cipher]

👀

I have a lot ot catch up

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It was by chance he found the brochure of hampden University and he applied for the financial aid program , After 8 months of fighting, he was in hampden with 2 suitcases and $50 in his pocket. He applied for work study with a Pyschology proffessor , helping him in his research. He thought of applying for Greek to which his counsellor replied that the Greek faculty is an exclusive class, Proffesor Julian Morrow chooses his students on a personal basis rather than an academic one,

To study with him one must've read the right things, hold similar values .

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So richard went to Lyceum (A gymnasium in Greek, meaning a classroom. Aristotle established his school by a lyceum.) He was refused by Julian who had taken in only 5 students and said its too much to take one more student. The 5 greek students were Henry winter, Charles and camilla (twins) , Francis and Bunny. Character Descriptions later.

Henry was a linguistic genius. He could speak a number a languages both ancient and modern and had published a translation of , with commentary, Anaceron when he was 18.
henry had embarassed a French proffessor during the Qand A of an annual lecture on Racine.

Note: This is why i dont think highly of myself, there are better mountains to conquer. Not that ive ever climbed anything, be like henry.

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An accident occured.
Richard went to library for his work study. He found Charles , camilla and Edmund huddled over a table discussing a Greek translation problem. Richard went close and pretended to read a book, he eavesdropped the convo and suggested the Locative case for the carthage translation. *

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They were all perplexed by the approach, Bunny then complemented him, Charles reached for the lexicon and camilla asked his name. When Richard introduced himself, Camilla recognised him as the one who tried for the Greek classes. Richard told Camilla he studied Greek for 2years, Camilla said that he should visit Julian Again with flowers and tell him that he loves Plato. "Julian will be eating out of your hand. "
A wild Henry appeared!

With his English coats and cold aura, he too questioned the approach, quoting it "Very Homeric. " he asked Richard if he was a "Homer scholar" Richard had no idea what it meant and he felt he shouldn't lie in front of Henry. So he said "I like Homer. "

To which the reply came after a cold stare, "I love Homer. "

🤌🤌

Richard bought some cheap English coats and went again to Lyceum to meet Julian, When Julian met him on the door he said that there are French princes by the name of Papen. He would like to entertain the Prince if He is a prince. To which Richard replied, "I'm afraid not. "
Julian invited him in and talked to him

Julian laughed.
"And what does A Man with such Romantic Temperament seek in the study of Classics? "
Richard: If by Romantics you mean Solitary and introspective, I think Romantics are frequently the best Classicists? "

Julian laughed "The Great Romantics are often Failed classicists. "
A metaphor in the book to summarise the whole conversation: As if Julian had encountered a real bird and would like to extract all the opinions while it's still captive.

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Julian accepted Richard as a student after this convo

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Notes from Julian's Lecture

Let's leave the phenomenal world behind and enter into sublime.
-Loss of self, burden of the self, Platonic 4 divine madnesses, Why people want to lose themselves in the first place?
-The voice in our heads torments us so to remind us of our own mortality, Why should the thing that is our own identity, something we're so scared to lose be the thing that makes us the most miserable? Julian says, since our pain is unique, no one truly understands our pain. I didn't agree at first but after an hour-long discussion with friends about the meaning of identity, pain and consciousness, I agree our pain is subjective.

reference to Erinyes

They turned up the magnitude of inner monologue, magnified qualities already present to great excess , made people so much themselves that they couldn't handle it.

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@silk cloak i wrote this

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I read till chapter 4 of Dickens. The second chapter consists of a coaching scene where Jerry brings Lorry a message from Tellson Bank, The atmosphere is eerie set in the middle of the mountain at midnight while in a mail coach. The importance of the coaching scene is that it's repeated throughout the works related to revolution as the same as Thomas De Quincey, Alexander Dumas and Our own Dickens in his Pickwick papers (1836-7). There's a metaphor I read "Ha! What see I? All the gigs of creation!! All, all!! Woe is me ...Never before Pharoah's Chariots in the Red sea of water was there a wreck of wheels like this in the Sea of Fire." ( Carlyle's French revolution works)
"Defined the Victorian history." "related with revolution."
Also, the Motif of Doubles... In the first chapter, we saw death and now in the second chapter, we see "Recalled to life." related to resurrection. Lorry would not have been recalled to life if he had not been dead in the first place. (I don't know what I just wrote.) The doubles motif also works with Shadows and darkness ...as Jerry is in the darkness and Lorry is in the shadows. The same scene is repeated in Chapter 4, As manette is in Shadows and Lorry (in light? but the motif was darkness!!!) Chapter 3, deals with the secrecy of every human..everyone keeps a secret. But the chapter deals with the dreams of Lorry as he visions repeatedly his conversation with a spectre, informing him of his body being buried for 18 years and now his being recalled to life. He also talks about (in dreams) showing "her" to someone.
Chapter 4 deals with the meeting of Mr.Lorry and Manetter.

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I had become a camel, of sorts, by allowing my naive quest for knowledge and wisdom to lead me into the darkest and most disturbing corners of existence. Perhaps we inevitably become camels when we take on the labor of philosophical thinking. Eager to prove ourselves capable of embracing the truth, we seek out the heaviest and most burdensome insights, and force ourselves to dwell on them as a rite of passage. “What is heavy? Thus asks the weight-bearing spirit; thus it kneels down like the camel and wants to be well laden.” Nietzsche describes the camel spirit as a collector of burdens, conquests, and scars. The camel asks: “What is heaviest … that I may take it upon me and rejoice in my strength” (Z, 54).

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Alchemists have madness in their blood, thats why, my lady, we get the work done.

[haughty wyvern]

I love dis forum ✨

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@quiet hull

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@tawdry parcel WHat do you think of it?

I read the Truly Devious Trilogy and I rate it 10/10.

A mystery set in a remote private School

Ellingham academy was a exclusive academy in mountains, You show your passion and you get in. Simple. Just like Hogwarts.
Ellingham is know for a lot of things. Luxury, Greek statues, Handsome dormitories. But the thing it's most famous for, is the unsolved kidnapping case of 1936. And Stevie got in... As an expert on the case.
This book spoke to me on so many levels. Stevie was obsessed with crime and murder. I'm obsessed with literature and difficult texts. Texts which make you question your life and values. I can't live without it. And I saw it in my probably 5th reading how much is this story relatable. The self doubt, the judging parents and constant nudge of just not being yourself or trying to fit in and not trying to fit in.
This book is my comfortable read, it's not the best of mysteries and certainly not the best of works but it's MY comfortable read. Find it if it speaks to you as well.

Ellingham ran like a college. A habitat for intps

I read The Secret History (2nd reading) and i rate it 10/10
[ A morbid longing for the picteresque at all costs.]
The story is about Richard Papen who got into a exclusive Greek Elitist class under the Professor Julian Morrow. After his first lecture about the loss of self, he walked in a daze, the residuals of the lecture whirling somewhere in the myriad. A distinct feeling of being alive.

The class may seem elite on the first glance, but the more the story progressed we get to see the dark sides of it all, indulgence, obsessions.... Bacchanal.

Its really hard to put it into words and to humour the book
How can i make you understand that theres a divinity among the modern classics?
This book is waves hand randomly, in order to make a hologram of coherent thoughts and words to explain this book
Classical, Literature, Greek, Plato, Roman, Erinyes, Julian talking about Death is the mother of beauty, LIVE FOREVER, latin phrases, A'moi. L'histoire d'une, Richard passing out reading greek till late night, Francis asking forgiveness, Julian standing on the grave and saying Its like something from Tolstoy, Henry going into pragmatic monologues about what he was learning at the moment, Camilla kissing, BEAUTY BEAUTY ART,byzantine existence, Plato's justice, Nihil sub sole novum, richard freezing ,white snow, bovine , prosaic, chartreuse, tyrian, ebullient charles, Discussions about the word chaos during dinner, henry translating Milton's Paradise lost into Latin, Henry illogical hard work ,wine, smoking, fornication,Murder is redistrubution of matter

They had the same experience of looking up from their books with 5th century eyes and finding the world disconcertingly sluggish and alien, as if it were not their home.
Athens beleiving death is sleep,incendium,Lyceum Amor vinvcit omnia, Mycroft holmes,Dionsyus, What is unthinkable is undoable,, Somethings are too terrible to grasp at once,think in a different language,well educated and rich, smooth cheeked Homer.

[tawdry parcel]

Did you write it?
It's fantastic, the part where the metaphor says that the great romantics are failed classicists makes me think about a romantic author called Giacomo Leopardi. He firstly had a classicist plan of studies but then he became a romantic in fact ahahha

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I read The priory of the Orange tree and i rate it 7/10
This book is about a Queendom which has been establishing authority for centuries due to the religious belief that they stop the Nameless One from awakening( dragon) and that they always give birth to a daughter after taking in a prince consort for consummation.
The story follows 5 POvs, Ead, a courtier sent by the Priory of mages to protect Queen Sabran
Nicolays, An alchemist in exile because he used the funds inappropriately given By Queen Sabran to conjure up the drink of immortality
Tane, an eastern soldier in training who dreams of being a Dragon slayer
Loth, who was sent on a suicide mission because he seemed too close with The Queen
and i forgot the 5th one

This book opened to me, showed me the side of women that i always ignored. Have women no roles in society other than a mother? Do their lives have no meaning other than to give birth?
This book really does an excellent job of giving us an introspection of women in courts and their own desires and passion. By desires i dont mean Sexual desire, They have as much right to go for their dreams as any other human, We're not talking about special rights here, we're talking about seeing them as just another human who feels and breathes just like us.

No women shall be scared of not being enough.
and men too, ofc.

The author does an excellent job of conjuring up a medieval world, we see this motiff of certain old words, like bodice or.... anyway.... There are fantastic lores according to the region, the tropical houses the tales of witches from the woods.. the desert , the tales of lunatics roaming for their lovers.

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A real diamond is never perfect

[haughty wyvern]

dem

[silk cloak]

Perfection is a concept ..that explains it guess

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“There are two kinds of death,” he says, the clouds of his breath
plunging out into the cold. “You can fight like a lion. Or you can go as easy as lifting a hair from a cup of milk. The nothings, the nobodies—they die easy.”
He sweeps his eyes along the ranks and swings his hose and widens his eyes
dramatically. “How will you boys die?

Open your eyes and see what you can with them, before the close forever.
" When I lost my sight, Werner, people said I was brave. When my father left, people said I was brave. But it is not bravery; I have no choice. I wake up and live my life. Don’t you do the same?”

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tying my shoes, kept glancing back, Hope he’s not awake, “Where are you going?” i shivered “Morning exercise.” “Eat something.” i stood up and went to door, only to be dragged to the kitchen “Eat something idiot.” “I’m not hungry”
“Your judo sensei called, you fainted yesterday. ”I nod, brothers just assume authority, what fundamental law is there that the older is the wiser an should look down upon the younger? he started taking out sandwiches and mayo Crap crap crap “Just make me noodles.” “Noodles aren’t food, when’s the last meal you ate?” I flinch at the smell of cucumber, eggs frying and the abhorrent creature trying to assemble flipping sandwich with tomato sauce. He presented it to me. The smell wafts it way through my olfactory organs to my gut. I could hear my gut wrenching, I could feel it twisting. In disgust,
I shook my head “You’re not going to practice if you don't eat.” and he wrenched my wrist to keep me from running. “Why don’t you eat your meals?” I took one bite of food and fought the urge to vomit, the cucumber crunching, the egg slushing foaming in my mouth, the mayo the mayo almost made me barf ,“I dont want to be fat” He nodded, in actuality, food made me vomit, it was toxic, the sauce, the vegetables, the heavy meat, It made me sick, noodles are heavenly, they dont smell, they taste okay, and they feel good, He made sure i ate it all, i swayed, holding my belly as if i was pregnant, it felt full and heavy and i hated it, i saw my brother retire to my bedroom, then i went to the bathroom and vomitted, it was liberating.

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ruin vs destroy
how good of a word ruin is no? how it makes you furrow your lips and end the word at "n" to make you desire it, to surrender to it.. to think of it as the ultimate end, to shush you to fall, it calls you to its bosom, its not violent like destroy, seething of wrath. Ruin is a word used for lovers.. for people who had already suffered. people who are already dead.
Ruin will give you peace

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Sensei is a kind of misanthrope, who has withdrawn from a world “so full of freedom, independence, and our own egoistical selves.” The closest word to Sensei, in meaning, in English is teacher; it is someone who is respected and knowledgeable. It is the young man who gives him this title, and so it is clear that the student is looking for guidance [although Sensei himself says that the boy is lonely and looking for love]. In this way, perhaps Soseki is saying that young people, living in times where morality and values are less certain, where freedom is almost absolute, need help or direction. It is, I think, the case that the more freedom one has the more lost or confused one can feel, that freedom is actually something that we find very difficult to cope with [this is, in fact, the clichéd modern dilemma]. In light of all this, it is not difficult to see the older man as having a symbolic function in the novel; he is, in this scenario, representative of the old or traditional world. Yet, while that might be true to a certain extent, his character is more complex than it appears to be initially.

This is the sense of honour that we have previously touched upon, which is for us, and for Soseki’s modern Japan, disappearing. Yes, Sensei does wrong, but he feels overwhelmingly guilty about it, and, ultimately, he takes his own life [not much of a spoiler as we know Sensei is dead within a few pages of the book], as a way of atoning for his behaviour. There is something about the Japanese idea of honour suicide that I find extraordinarily attractive. I wouldn’t be party to it myself, but to give up your life as a way of trying to make amends is very powerful. One could see Sensei, then, as someone who is both modern and traditional; he errs in a way that is consistent with the outlook of Soseki’s contemporary Japan – i.e. he is prepared to tread on someone else to get what he wants, is prepared to exercise his freedom – but responds to this dishonourable act in a way that is consistent with the Samurai code; it is, in effect, an act of nobility that is out of step with the times.

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Scroll back to beginning and read an enjoy...many things are not my works like this two Paras above. They're just things I save ...its like my digital journal @barren leaf

[barren leaf]

Why didn't you ever tell me such a mine of diamond thoughts existed till now?

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https://youtu.be/75P0QGi3RO0?si=BWi2quLM3IZP9SYO

[barren leaf]

he said if he can go any period back in time, he would go to early 1600s to see if shakespeare had written his plays. How cool is that! he even played the villian in the much ado about nothing movie. Him recommending the count of monte cristo, LOR and dostoevsky makes me want to bow down to him even more.

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You asked for this.
POv: That one literature student starts rambling.
The Renaissance paintings were based on their own imagination on how the world looked, they show the reality, they showed their reality. How they saw the world and how they want the world to see it. And then they made it as realistic as possible.Art is a reflection of our soul. We can call this Romanticisation,
Did you know that when Photos were invented, Charles dickens was one of the first people to volunteer for it, while disliking Realism. He even showed his contempt for Realism in his novel "Great expectations."
Pip, the main character would "imagine" his parents by the letters of their names .
He imagined his father as short and stubble man.

“The nineteenth century dislike of realism is the rage of Caliban seeing his own face in a glass. The nineteenth century dislike of romanticism is the rage of Caliban not seeing his own face in a glass.”
"Today's world has a more realistic approach to education, there is hardly any imagination or creativity, mistakes are something to be punished for, they dont advocate the growth of creativity." (This is my opinion under quotes, It can be wrong.)
The world already knows how the world looks, so to imitate it has no deeper motives other than copying its structure. There's an idea that because the English people lived in middle of beautiful landscapes, their imagination didnt grow that much resulting in the inferiority of English, while Arabs were born in Desert , devoid of life or greenery, they set to vocalise the most seductive and enchanting language.
Arabs were proud of their tongue.
Did you get it all?

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Kafka on the Shore Review

"The world's a metaphor, Kafka Tamura"

The book Kafka on the Shore is now finished. This was a kind of book I have never read before. Metaphorical, philosophical and relatable even. It's a quest of the unknown and formed the unknown no one knows what is happening yet there seems to be something pushing you forward. It is mystical, magical and mysterious there are many questions that you don't know the answer to, or maybe you do but it is in riddles. Whatever it is, this book is an experience, of something that is really spoken of but understood.

The book Kafka on the Shore makes you feel a plethora of feelings. The plot is moving, involves contemplation and you will feel many epiphanies as you go on. It is a metaphorical maze and once you step inside, it is a journey you'd appreciate, love and curse at the same time. It is almost like an introspection of your intrusive thoughts. I can't express it through words as it is something really unusual. It's like a meditation and it is otherworldly.

And now I can see why this is @calm dock 's Favourite book.

10/10. A fine piece of work.

@fiery schooner

Sorry for the ping, it was accidental, I was just saving this for future reference

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@silk cloak please listen to this

[silk cloak]

coolio

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@silk cloak This is my personal digital journal. Maybe youll find something interesting

[silk cloak]

oh? intp..same same, maybe i will, thanks

[fiery schooner]

that second to last one is increadibly sad 😦

[calm dock]

https://open.spotify.com/episode/26TCNQjpnLzmbtGybdlazH?si=swTSWvLBRECVZK1rtgEukQ

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Yeah the difficulty of being || a genius, emotionally reserved, spoiled child, wanting a partner who spoil us and validates our ego||
||The wildest child, not being able to communicate our love and affection for somebody, not being able to fit in society, touch repulsed by strangers then we become touch starved, carrying the burden of everyone's expectations, Frail as a butter and will cry at the slightest scratch and sometime may not even register life wrecking trauma, Hard working, Curious yet Inherently unfairly lazy, understands emotions yet grow up to detest families, can provide emotional support for others but cant even comprehend their own feelings.||
|| Being the youngest child is like being a Pandora Box. You dont want me to open it||

||The funniest little kid..and then we become so serious||

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by Manah-Then there is the ||"being the oldest child" level difficulty of life where people see potential in you, you are burdened with expectations along with the fear of failure because your younger siblings like to copy you- so if you fail, they will too. When you never ask for their gratefulness and keep pouring your love and efforts in a pot which seems endless and you have no option but to keep freaking trying. You still fail, and you're mocked- or even if you don't- you might not be upto the "mark". You wanna help your youngest but they are closed off, but you insist on standing beside them by the end of time, even if it meant sacrificing yourself. You want to be the best version of yourself so your siblings have someone reliable and they can do whatever the hell they wish to. A beautiful dream you're given the moment your sibling is born- you fell in love for the first time at first sight- with them. You want to help them however you can, no matter what it takes. Any expectations on you are alright, but you don't like the pressure being put on them, you want them to never lose themselves and fight. You wish you could take every battle for them, but you know that's not healthy, so you decide on being at the side-lines.
The moment you see them become something greater than you, the pride is beyond anything. But you might lose what you were meant to do in the first place with such strong emotions you experience. Do you hate it? Sometimes. But would you give up that dream at any cost? Freaking no. ||