#I’m tired of it

77 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

soft plover
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And thank you for who read to the end

soft plover
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I’m thinking of making this a journal maybe

marble marsh
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listen, its so sweet that you care about people and try to help them, but you need to help yourself too
you deserve to be cared about too
youre important too
im proud of you for opening up here, and i think journaling is a great idea 🤍

soft plover
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Sometimes I feel like I’m just a martyr

marble marsh
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im really sorry for your losses, but theyd want you to keep going
theyd want you to be happh
so keep living for those that youve lost
and then maybe if you ever meet them, you can greet them knowing you tried your best at living, and i think they would be really proud
i dont think the dead would ever want the people they left behind to suffer
and i genuinely do get that, ofc i could never completely understand you or know you or what youve been through, thats not what i mean by i get that, but ive been thinking similar thoughts too lwk, and i was venting to a friend about it yesterday, ill send you the advice she gave me it was really good

but whats your support system looking like rn? do you have a therapist at all?

soft plover
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Not good I’ve been alone for a few years now

marble marsh
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It doesn’t sound like a savior complex. It sounds more like hyperesponsibility. That usually happens when someone gets used to managing other people’s emotions or feels like they have to keep everyone okay, that kinda stuff. Which sounds like you do honestly w the stuff you've told me abg your brothers (im not done hold on 😭)

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You’re not responsible for that guy’s mental health.
You’re not responsible for fixing everyone’s sadness.
You’re not responsible for preventing every bad outcome. The weight of the world isn't on your shoulders, i promise you

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And the fact that you’re even questioning tbh shows self awareness imo. Like people with actual ego driven savior complexes don’t feel drained or tired or feel bad, they feel powerful

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Anyways- you’re only responsible for your behavior and your boundaries, twin. That’s it. Pls don't feel like you have to do everything

marble marsh
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that youre important too and you deserve help too

marble marsh
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idk find smth similar regarding your interests

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but find yourself a community and try to talk to people there

soft plover
marble marsh
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and you can definitely talk to people

marble marsh
soft plover
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Yeah I’ll try I have one woman who loves me so much and I love her but she’s also suicidal and it’s draining cause all the weights on me and I told her if she tries to commit each time I’m gonna cut myself so she won’t do it but it’s exhausting

soft plover
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I hate it cause I want to help these people so badly and I do still but I feel like I’m losing my sanity

marble marsh
marble marsh
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they arent your responsibility

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Oki-

Doing everything in your power is not the same as being responsible for the outcome.
You can always, definitely care about someone, support someone encourage someone, ect. But you CAN'T Save someone from themselves, regulate someone else’s emotions for them, prevent every bad choice, ect.

There’s a HUGE difference between support and self-sacrifice.

soft plover
marble marsh
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But at what cost???
If helping someone requires you to: Ignore your own boundaries, drain your mental health, stay in situations that hurt you, feel responsible for outcomes you can’t control, ect- then that’s NOT healthy compassion. That’s self-erasure. If the only way someone “gets better” is by you hurting yourself, that improvement is not stable. It’s dependent on your. suffering.That’s nit sustainable.

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she was saying that too

marble marsh
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especially not at your own cost

soft plover
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I know that but I feel like I should help them

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Cause I know what it’s like to be in there place and alone and me telling them these things prevents them from being where I am

soft plover
marble marsh
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waitwait

soft plover
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Hmm weird

marble marsh
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NO.

You cannot love someone into healing. You cannot effort someone into stability. You cannot outwork someone else’s choices. If “doing enough” could fix people, therapists would never have clients twice. Recovery wouldn’t take years. People wouldn’t relapse. Change only sticks when the person themselves decides to do it. You can influence. But you cannot control. And ALSO-

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If saving someone required you to sacrifice your own mental health, that’s not saving. That’s drowning together.

soft plover
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Maybe your right

marble marsh
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thats more of like the stuff she said

marble marsh
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it isnt sustainable it wont work out

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you have to unlearn that

soft plover
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Yeah but I still need to help these people

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And not need to but I want to

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And idk I feel like me becoming hollow is worth them still living idk I just don’t care much about me I just want them to live

marble marsh
marble marsh
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and if you try to help them when ur the one in need of help you could make things worse

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bc you arent actually in the right state to be helpibg

soft plover
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Yeah your right I agree and I’ll try to take a break

marble marsh
soft plover
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Yeah but anytime I try to make friends I’m just in the background

marble marsh
soft plover
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Yeah

marble marsh
soft plover
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Yeah I think if I wasn’t alone I’d be better

marble marsh
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oh yk what i jst remembered i once saw thisapp

soft plover
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What about it?

marble marsh
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its supposed to be for social skills or smth idk i saw a video on it

soft plover
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Hmm I might try it out

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Well I will try to become better and try to take a break from helping too much

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Btw thanks for talking with me and helping me

marble marsh
marble marsh
soft plover
marble marsh
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change it to "im a super cool caring person"

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you arent just a martyr 🫂

soft plover
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I guess since this is my new idk journal I guess I’m just gonna say how I feel

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But now I feel awful no one loves me still and the one friend I have is trying to help me and get closer and make me happy but it makes it worse for me I can’t explain why cause I don’t even know why but it’s just awful I don’t know why to do I have one friend and it makes me sad and I don’t wanna be friends with anyone else since I don’t wanna be a burden and I don’t want help well I don’t know what I want if I’m being honest cause I wanna be loved but at the same time I don’t trust people I always feel like they’ll leave I don’t know I guess I’m just idk lonely?

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And at this point I hate that I’m hiding all this and I want to start cutting myself just so someone might see my pain but I’m also scared of being seen and I can’t even explain what I want I just want someone to notice and choose me over and over and they won’t leave me but I don’t get that ever I’m always alone I’ve only had 3 friends and 0 dates I’m kinda just a loser I have no talent and now I’m typing in this chat all alone cause no one will see this

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Idk maybe I’m just being dramatic but so far in my life I don’t ever get what I want all I get is pain and when I finally found something that made me happy life took it I’m so tired I wake up tired and I get so sad I walk to the bathroom and collapse and try to cry but can’t even do that I feel so pathetic I don’t even know what time doing anymore

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I feel so small I’m just one of hundreds of people on this journal page thing I should be writing this stuff in my notes but I’ve already started here so I’m not moving it all now I guess. See I love seeing other couples be happy and how their lives are sweet cause they have each other but why don’t I get that? No one likes me and I don’t know what’s wrong with me I try to be respectful and quiet but idk I guess I’m just a loner and if a woman did like me they’d like the fake side of me I just feel like I wouldn’t want to open up to them cause they’d leave me and no woman likes someone who’s idk I guess odd like me I don’t like talking or being social and all I do is music and work out and it’s not enjoyable anymore and I don’t know what’s wrong it is with me maybe I’m just not desirable or something idk anymore I can’t even get friends let alone a relationship with someone so I guess I have to be alone but each day I keep getting worse and the thoughts get a little louder I won’t act on them but they get a little annoying sometimes and it’s odd I though of me jumping off a bridge and I got like happy or excited I can’t explain I don’t want to die but I would be dead and no longer feel anything or be conscious so there wouldn’t be any of this or me but idk now I’m just doing this typing and listening to music that’s probably making me worse but it’s fine

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And now looking back I feel so stupid cause no one is reading any of this let alone helping me at all and if they did it propably wouldn’t help me but if you try for some reason to help just know I’m not suicidal so don’t worry about that and also don’t waster your time here there’s people who are worse than me so go help them