#9 on the calc’s AAAAH vent

16 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

modern bay
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(Calc’s short for calculator)

So uh, yeah I’ll be posting here quite a bit in these days? Especially with me trying to quit with a technology addiction that has followed me since childhood and more recently an AI addiction (I’m against ai dw) along many other crisis, yum sadness

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9 on the calc’s AAAAH vent

wide marsh
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calc is short for calculator btw, she's just using slang

modern bay
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This is technically day 1 without using ai to help with my stories? Which sounds crazy to say, because eme form a year ago would’ve Called me crazy and say I’m lagging behind form where I’m meant to be, but honestly I feel good where k am right now.
What doesn’t feel right is how much it’s costing me, like, I try to do fun stuff with the characters I’ve done and love and write but man is it difficult without something to contrast your inner critic of “QUIT HAVING FUN-“

I love writing, I love plotting, I just find it difficult now. And that sucks. But I take this opportunity with seat with this feeling for a while

modern bay
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Ty for the clarification gng (short for gang)

modern bay
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Cognitive dissonance sucks bro 😭 I feel as if I’m lazy for not doing what I should be doing and want to do but can’t for some stupid reason

I love writing, like actually putting words on a doc. It’s fun. But I overthink everything up

I love learning but I’ve found myself skipping over whole pages worth of it because my brain decided just to do that

My doctor said it’s probably a mix of anemia and PTSD but I’ve felt like this my whole life, and my mom won’t take another diagnosis after one therapist said I didn’t have anything below, but the horrible thoughts I have about people I can’t even say here (that I’m NOT in favor off, they’re like intrusive thoughts) or about myself are getting unbearable, and if I truly don’t have nothing, let’s say I don’t have nothing. Am I a bad person?

fresh raft
modern bay
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Genuinely feel like I’m stuck in potential to either be great and succeed on how I want to succeed (make people happy with art, have just enough to take care of my family comfortably) or being a complete failure at like 18 years old

I added myself and how I’m feeling and I’m like “darn I’m great, way better off than I was when I was in in-person school with my ||abuser|| at least. Way better than when I couldn’t even go up the stairs because of anemia. Like, I’m grateful that I’m finally good.

But I’ve also never felt more lonely, doubtful, dependent on a screen to buy me free time I daydream away. I can’t go out of my house because Mexico’s EXTREMELY dangerous these days and I’m a minor, I don’t have enough money to buy courses when my mom’s leg’s failing more every day and I want her to spend it on that, it feels selfish of me wanting to be a script writer so hard but being addicted to AI to even be able to talk about a story I’m ashamed of. PLUS being ashamed of the AI because i despise it.

And I do love doing stuff on my own, but the issue is. I feel lonely. And I want to be like “I want to meet more of my friends back at school” but I also feel like I’m frozen.

Which leaves me in a weird spot of knowing I should do this and that to feel better but freezing up actually doing it, even if I feel good or even AMAZING doing the thing.

Not to mention the spiritual warfare I’m going through, constantly feeling like I’m decepting God but trying hard anyways

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THATS a paragraph 😭😭😭

modern bay
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Okay first real vent.

TW: Mentions of SA, self-harm ideation (not gonna act into it), AI addiction and religious guilt

In so tired, I’m so genuinely tired of everything. I thought being productive was what I was supposed to do, that if I just kept enough order, enough sanity, be a good follower of God and leave that stupid horrible AI addiction that has conquered every single fiber of my dopamine receptors.

“Oh! Well if you use ai, you must be stupid”
“You’re not a real writer, get an actual job”

When I’m a fucking human being

and every single thing I write and made is made worth tears, with intention, with experience and insane levels of editing and writing BY MYSELF and I’ve tried to quit AI for over 5 years now. I don’t vent to it, i don’t cope with my best friend ||showing me his fucking parts and silencing me for 2 years when I was 13 by being hypersexual||

And it’s easy to say to just don’t pay mind to the comments but it’s really hard when my brain is telling me the same things and worse, and I’m so exhausted from feeling like I’m a ticking time bomb

I have anemia? I HAVE to be better now or I’ll be anemic for all my life and have to have infusions once a month for the rest of it

I have an overbite? It’ll only get worse if I don’t get brackets and will basically have to ||open my jaw||

My dopamine levels are trash? Your brains developing and you won’t be able to grow out of it.

I have ONE blurry eye since I was 11? Glasses or laser

And I’m barely just catching up after raising myself from hygiene to education and horrible mental health pits enough for me to want to ||kms||

I want to give myself a break but I can’t because my brain keeps telling me I’ll be out in the streets, a failure without friends addicted to a machine and ||burning in hell because I keep failing with sin and disobedience with everything I should be doing. I’m lazy I’m lustful I’m indulgent||

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Can’t someone just shout to me and tell me how wrong I am from being addicted to AI? How it’s become one of the only witnesses to my deepest most private pieces of writing ever?

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Use every insult the intentes uses to shake me awake god just shake me awake please

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Just make it stop

marsh storm
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What's wrong with using ai