Venting page about my strange experiences as a 13 year old and what I'm struggling with.

[fading nacelle]

So basically I've been having aton of weird shit going on lately, I recently lost all my friends, been having literal like not even visions but scenarios that feel really real for 10 seconds when I think about what's going to happen next. I'm really hyper vigilant which has mostly came from abuse from step dad. I've had visions of myself in the hospital for some reason and constant dreams of my abusive step dad who went away when I was 10. My life is incredibly depressing right now and I am finding it genuinely impossible to make new friends. I have countless recordings, videos and photos of abuse my mother has caused, yet my phycologist still needs to hear my "mother's input" which obviously ends up being complete bullshit as she is a narcissistic liar. My life just really sucks lately and I feel empty inside, I keep telling myself I shouldn't be experiencing this I'm only 13 but it's the sad reality. I went down a rabbit hole of trying to get god to help me, I prayed and prayed yet I'm still suffering and realised ultimately that no magic being was going to come down and help me. I've had the thought of suicide constantly on my mind but can never bring myself to it as I know my future could potentially be good as I do good in school. But has doing good in school got me friends? No it hasnt youll only ever get friends in school if you are an insufferable piece of shit who screams "67" down the hallways, not if you actually have interests in things.

I also suffer with social anxiety and that makes it hard to get friends

[mental stream]

A lot to unpack there. Talk to someone you trust. And if you can't find someone you trust, I would suggest a help line, especially if you're considering hurting yourself.

[fading nacelle]

I'm considering everything right now as I usually do but Ive realised hurting myself obviously won't do me any good

[mental stream]

You're right it won't do you any good.

[fading nacelle]

I'm also starting to consider this hypervigallance I'm experiencing as a skill rather than a mental illness

[rocky fossil]

That's incredible how far you've come

[fading nacelle]

Thank you

[fading nacelle]

And learning to control it

[fading nacelle]

With alot of the times correctly predicting the next word in a conversation just by picking up little things like hand movement, eye movement, leg movement, every little thing

[fading nacelle]

I do it very subconsciously

Although it might just be hypervigallance and a mix of other things

[grizzled meadow]

I thought about it and I think if I talk about my stuff maybe It would be off topic since my tendencies were more harmful and self destructive (or similar to paranoia)

I'm really sorry you've been through all of this

[fading nacelle]

Ok no it's fine you can talk about it

[fading nacelle]

Thank you

[grizzled meadow]

This is not such a bad thing , you can as you said use it as a skill because it's not really harming you but just be sure to remember that there's some good people out there, that only wants the best for you

Remember that sometimes you can just breath and focus and having a good time

Feeling at peace

[fading nacelle]

Thanks

Peace sometimes is not as good as it seems

Especially when you have basically talked to no one for a month irl

[grizzled meadow]

That's really unfortunate and I can relate

[fading nacelle]

Yes, sorry something similar has happend to you too

[grizzled meadow]

You know what I'm gonna say might sound a little odd , but it's a chance that you're reaching out at such a young age, the brain heals more efficiently the younger you start your healing journey

[grizzled meadow]

Thank you

[fading nacelle]

That could be true

[grizzled meadow]

It's because the more he's far away from being truly developed in size , and the more he's open to changes

[mental stream]

Lost all my friends when I first went manic at the age of 17. It sucks, but you learn who really cares that way.

[fading nacelle]

For me mine was not from me being manic I just found out they had an entire group chat just without me and they were constantly just being assholes. Basically they chose to be friends with someone who has done nothing but harm rather than me

[mental stream]

I see.

[fading nacelle]

And a few of them cut me off when I found out before I stopped being friends with them

I did not continue to be friends with any of them as I realised if they needed to have an entire group chat to talk without me it was better just me not being friends with them

[mental stream]

What are you thankful for today? Sometimes that helps me. Reminding myself it's not all bad.

[fading nacelle]

I'm pretty weird things like that don't help me I overthink it way too much

[mental stream]

Yeah, i understand, you're not weird.

[fading nacelle]

Thank you

[mental stream]

You sound more like a sensitive person, not a bad thing. You notice more, feel more, etc. I'm sensitive too it's a hassle.

I overthink tons

[fading nacelle]

That's true

[mental stream]

It adds depth to you, you can be more kind than others, empathetic.

[fading nacelle]

It does, I do still feel regret about saying that yk the whole thing about god in my thing as it disrespects people who believe in that relegion and even the popular douchie kids. But although I am sensitive while I was typing that I was pretty angry just at everything

[mental stream]

You can be angry, it's all g, sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

[fading nacelle]

Yeah I do atm

[mental stream]

When you make up scenarios, do you just make a script in your mind about how conversations will go?

[fading nacelle]

I dont necessarily create a script but my brain instantly alludes to the most possible scenario and sometimes if I think about it like alot It starts to feel like its actually happening

[fading nacelle]

And it gets really real like it has only started recently

Basically feels like a lucid dream except you aren't dreaming

[mental stream]

Hmm, you explain this to your doc?

[fading nacelle]

Tbh I did but I didn't really get an answer I mostly told him everything that was going on and he didn't really point out that part in particular

[fading nacelle]

Or I think I told him about the scenarios but not the vivid experiences

I'm pretty doubtful that he will believe

Me

[mental stream]

If your sense of reality is being distorted severely he has to help you.

[fading nacelle]

It's not that, it's basically just a vision I know it isn't real

[mental stream]

I see

[fading nacelle]

But recently it has started getting really real

[fading nacelle]

There was basically one back like a week ago where I was contemplating on just ending it and alot of things were happening so I just got really deep into my head and it was kinda like a vision of me in like a hospital bed it's so strange

[mental stream]

huh

[fading nacelle]

Hard to explain I don't know if I should call it a vision

Maybe a hallucination

[mental stream]

im no doc, but it might be

[fading nacelle]

It's like a mix I guess because I was yk in control kinda

Or idk how hallucinations work

[mental stream]

They are overwhelming, i've had a few during mania

But it could be different for each person i suppose

[fading nacelle]

I don't really know it just didn't feel like a hallucination it didn't overwhelm me it was just pretty strange

you may be experiencing a form of intense creative visualization or a specific psychological phenomenon related to vivid imagery and dissociation. This is not a typical experience for most people and often points to a high level of imaginative immersion
I searched it up

[mental stream]

okay

well thats good

i think

if its not hallucinations i mean

[fading nacelle]

Maybe I just have a strong imagination

[mental stream]

if your an overthinker then makes sense you'd have strong imagination.