#seiko’s journal

561 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

livid dust
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idk I just made this to prolly vent most of the time

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because I feel corny straight up venting to people

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like wtf am I doing

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I feel like im in a constant state of dread

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I don’t know how to explain it

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but in like 2024 June I had a best friend and he was literally my world probably the person I talked to the most and we literally got married jokingly w our email on August 8th which is 2 days before my birthday and we were friends up till September because I wasn’t online a lot due to my internet being out so we slowly distance and onetime when I was in the car I got a random thought to block him idk what I was thinking and when I got confronted I didn’t even know what to say

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And then we stopped talking

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in January I messaged in the server we met in “someone bmf” and he replied and what do u know he just doesn’t text me first

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so I text him first and it’s dry as hell

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because it’s awkward

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I was in lik

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A really

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Really

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Bad state

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When we stopped talking

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Really bad

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I was so demotivated to do anything

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I had no friends

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I still have none

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well

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I have one

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but I don’t have any irl

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I want friends but I don’t wanna talk to people

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the pressure of replying is too much

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I think it’s because after he left I truly don’t think I can find friends better

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I mean I wouldn’t even call the person I know irl my friend

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yes we have known each other since we began school but I get exhausted so easily with talking

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and calling

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im not the type of person to enjoy calling I despise it

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like sb

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i don’t go to school often and find myself having no energy to study

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and I slowly have homework piling up

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I don’t even know what to do

livid dust
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but now like recently

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I think about him

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and I miss him so much

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Also

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Awhile after we stopped talking in January I looked back on his profile and he blocked me

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Like

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I was filled halfly with joy because it had been awhile and he bothered to block me

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Which should surely mean he had been thinking of me

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He left the server we met in

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it feels pathetic to feel this way about someone I’ve never met in real life

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I feel so useless and desperate

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I don’t even know how to feel now

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I don’t go out often and I hate going out I want to spend my time online

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there’s no point in me trying to study if I’ll fail anyway

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Which fees incredibly dumb to say

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because I don’t go to like a normal school

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Yk

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It’s paid and the passing rate is in the 90s

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But I can’t put in enough effort

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I don’t see the point in trying if im not gonna be here much longer

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also i don’t know how to deal with how selfish i am

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Or just

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Yk

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Try get better

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but I need to because I’ve blocked multiple people because they like the same game as I do

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im not even a yumeshipper or whatever people call them so i have no reason to feel this way

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in 2023 late I began to hate this friend of mine because she got into a fandom I was in

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I literally can’t help it

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sigh

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no matter how close I am with them I will start hating them

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I’ve broken off so many friendships because of it and drifted away slowly because I’ve been too shy to outright say “I don’t wanna befriends anymore” without a valid reason

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I get so frustrated whenever someone says they like a character more than me

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like ones from my favorite game hsr (Honkai star rail)

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no u don’t like argenti, blade, boothill, Sunday and dan heng more than me

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LIKE

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especially when people try ragebait

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I’ve never personally had someone do that but yk

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is just nawt funny

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guys I really hate my ex

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well

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idk

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we met a day after my birthday bro (11th aug)

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and I am so

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naive

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so incredibly naive

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and easy to manipulate

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I hate falling in love too fast

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cause my ex started flirting straight away right

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he started calling me baby I think on the day we met or the day after

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and I fell for it bro

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I hate being lovebombed

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he told me how pretty I was how funny I was how cute my laugh and how he could listen to my voice forever

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he said we would be together forever

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and yk what

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I knew deep down that it wouldn’t last long

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my friends didn’t like him

livid dust
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especially did not

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She said that im being manipulated

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I ignored it because I was so blinded by the fact I felt so adored

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and loved

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needed

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it’s all ok

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Then we grow distant

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because idk why

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he starts ignoring me a lot for ages even when he’s online

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even when he was playing a game

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but I still loved him

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I had no self respect

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and didn’t speak up about it

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because why would I wanna waste his time and distract him and make it feel like talking to me is a chore

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so yeah

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then what happens next?

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Wow

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ugh

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idek bro

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he blocked me then

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after a few days of less messaging

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btw

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The day before he blocked me

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He said that he would try more because we didn’t play as often anymore and didn’t talk as much and he wasn’t telling me goodnight/goodmorning as much as before

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Ok

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Whatever

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Then what

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When I remove him from my discord bio Roblox bio and remove him as follower on TikTok and stop following him

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I get a notification from discord and what the hell woah

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he adds me back!

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??

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like what

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and then he doesn’t message

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causing me to message him first saying “why did u block me”

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He has the nerve to say “what no”
“I didn’t block you”

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some stuff like that

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the open gaslighting

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did he think I was stupid

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Idk if he was thinking right cause wdym

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I lit had to add u back

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and then after that I replied with something similar to “im sorry for whatever I did”

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very pathetic

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and he doesn’t reply

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but yk what

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when he added me back before

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he had “I love [name]” in his bio

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Oh

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Oh ok

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so like

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What

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Ur openly lying to me

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While having another girls name in your bio

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After that

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I’m pretty sure I was in a state of shock for 2-3 days because I felt absolutely nothing

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I felt normal

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Like nothing ever happened and next thing you know im sobbing remembering all the things he told me

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wondering what I did wrong

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And still after all of that

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I found that I was more in the wrong then him because whenever I went into Roblox using vc telling my friends what he was saying in DMs openly even when he told me to stop

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which tbf I still feel in the wrong

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Well

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I was

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im not gonna ignore that fact that I was also bad

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but I feel like what he did wasn’t bad

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cause I must’ve technically pushed him away

livid dust
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and I didn’t do it at all ever after

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but im so used to telling my friends everything

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the thing is I don’t even know if I can call him my ex because we never fully established what we were

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like ok yeah before he said “what happens if I said I love you”
And I said “hmm find out”
“I love you”
“I love you tooo”

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BUT

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we said I love u before that too

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so idk

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I feel like I’ve never had a proper relationship

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I haven’t been called someone’s outright girlfriend

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lowkey too chopped

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WHICH ON THE TOPIC

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of too chopped

livid dust
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my skin is one of my biggest insecurities because of how prone I am to spots

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especially during 2022

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goodness I was terrible then

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my face was so bad

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and I never used good skincare just random ones

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because I didn’t pay as much attention back then

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also had no money so mama was the man source of stuff (like she still is now)

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I recently found a moisturizer that hasn’t made me breakout

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Well

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I have in the past 2 days but that’s probably my fault

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My sleep schedule is horrible which ik is involved and eating habits

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im unfortunately a picky eater so i literally only like 3 food (not even sarcastic) which is pizza, pasta and macaroni

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EMBARRASSING to say

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but yes

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I’m also too scared and too stubborn to try new things

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If something smells bad or looks bad I won’t eat it

livid dust
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Giys that’s lowkey sad

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who am I talking to broski

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Seiko:hello
seiko: wassup

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that scared me sto

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this is one of my favourite songs mmmm

IMG_8496.png
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Caus I sick of talking sad stuff

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Also I feel so pro knowing I can flex the fact during 2019-2020 gacha times I was a diehard Alan walker fan

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And had his clothes merch in 2019

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THIS EXACT THING

IMG_8497.png
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WITH THE SWEATS

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so like flex ig

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I miss gacha 2019

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the glmvs

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I never knew what they meant before like glmv, glmm yk

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I still vividly remember one of my characters I’d always make

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alpha female ya know

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I’d download it again but my storage doesn’t like me

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because hsr takes up so much

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even tho I play it mostly on pc

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Which reminded me

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Side rant

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That I started playing hsr when it came out but I don’t pay attention to the lore so when people mention the lore to me or sum Idk if I’m being tricked

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like let me play the game in peaceee..

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I had it first on my old phone

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then my current phone

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and then I got bored

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so like

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on this phone the first account I made with my Apple ID is still up

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and currently the one I’m using

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because I could never get past equilibrium 1 or whatever

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so that’s why I quit in first place

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and like a few months ago in may I made a new one because like yes let’s restart

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I tried logging into that one yesterday because I haven’t been active in a few weeks!

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What do you know!! My accounts been deleted

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wow

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ya

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Y

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so

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sigh

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I got past eq1 with my queen Cyrene

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idk why I was never able to pass it before

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I think it’s because I didnt focus on stuff like relics and that

livid dust
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I only used characters meant to like fight yk no healing

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ESP WITH THE FACT THERE WAS NO HEALING AFTER THE FIRST INE AND THN U HAD TO DO SEXOND ONE

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bur ya know

livid dust
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uhhh

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my mind has gone blank

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Oh yes

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i was very reluctant on starting the game again because i get demotivated easily knowing that im not at the same level as before

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nor the highest

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with maxed characters

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so like i hate it

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AND

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I’m sad because I wasn’t playing when argentis banner was out

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I was late to boothills

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I was in the car when aventurines ended

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well not really but I was on the way to school and it had 6hours left…

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naurr

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I also don’t remember blade

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I think I had given up with playing

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and like forgot about the game

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which is sad

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because I just want boothill blade argenti and that one Dan heng form that I’m too lazy to spell

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Idk

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I find comfort in being sad guys

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Wait no that’s prolly a lie

livid dust
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I’m really jealous of those people in big friend groups

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with loads of online friends and stuff

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like

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but I’m too lazy to make friends

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I find no interest

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and I’m lowkey avoidant sometimes

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idk

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2024 June was peak

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I have 2 months nitro credit

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Hmm

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I’m using 3 da free trial

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that u get with like

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Orbs

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Idk if it’ll automatically do it after it ends someone lmk or don’t

livid dust
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Giys

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I dreamt of argenti boothill and sunday

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sigh

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ji9star_cry lerrrrtttt me off hsr

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I woke up with ear infectiop

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I tjrink

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It jus really hurt

livid dust
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when u realise weirdos actually exist..sigh

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I feel sick

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I was so motivated to do homework

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I need to

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and now it’s ruined

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I wish the world was perfect

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and everyone was good andpure

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Actually mentioning that

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I have very mixed opinions on purity stuff yk

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burt

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argenti is life

IMG_8381.jpg
livid dust
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tuah

livid dust
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castorice came home

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IMSOHAOOPY

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well

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idon really care but atleast i got her b4 her banner went

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i got cyrene in ONE PULL

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FIRST ONE TOO

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i think it was one

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might of been the 10

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bur i feel so tuff

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i felt it in m bones that i would get her

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CAUSEEE i only started playing again 2 days ago

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cus hsr cs does not help

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whoich reminds me i miss my old account

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soooo muchh...

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anaxxxxaaaa..

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Ok

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i will pull for her lc tmrw

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maybe

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or cyrenes

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hmm

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which one

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which one indeed

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Ok goofdnight

livid dust
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Jello

livid dust
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Goys

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I’m so

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like

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incredibly jealous

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those TikTok oc artists are so lucky to have that talent

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like the animations are so good

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I miss doing art

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I lost all passion for it like

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last year

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seeing how good peoples art are ruins my motivation

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why can’t I be like them

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I practiced long enough

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for literally my whole life

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and I can still never reach up to their level

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it’s not that I’m interested in drawing anymore

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but just getting jealous that they can do all that

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makes me sad

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idk I’ve been more sad recently and I wanna start hurting myself

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well like idek

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anymore

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I’ve sometimes had the urge to for no reason

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even when my life is perfect

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and there’s nothing wrong

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I wanna have a good day tommorow

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I feel so dumb sometimes because of the fact I left school over a year ago and now going to some stupid group

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yeah the pass rate is higher

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but I struggle with keeping a good schedule

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like studying

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om so stupid bro

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I just play games all day instead of going out

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and eating

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I love eating

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I’m kinda scared to sleep this time

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idk why

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I think it’s cause I’m thinking about people from my past recently

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and when me and my old best friend stopped staying in contact he appeared in my dreams months after

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I dreamt we were friends again on a swing

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sigh

livid dust
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people pmo

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Like

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Ok

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I’m a hypocrite for this

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bur

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I just got blocked for shipping something liek ok.

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Leav renheng alone

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Ok I don’t care about them blocking me really cause I had them blocked first

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Bur

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“blocked my first renheng shipper of the day”

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NOBODY CARESSESS

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sobs

livid dust
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giys

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I had lowkey a peak day today

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like

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my English teacher didn’t comment on one of the homework’s I didn’t give her

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I gave her 2 in and had another to do but I was so burnt out

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maths was okay there was only like 4 people including me

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now I’m getting maccies

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until some idiot ruins it by one question

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“Femboy pfp”

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shut up

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this is like the first decent day I’ve had in weeks

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especially a school day

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and you just have to ruin it

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so now my whole day is ruined

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Ok

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I blocked the person

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I didn’t think anything could even ruin my day

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is been ruined twice now

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ugh

livid dust
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my family scares me sometimes

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because they mock the lbgtq

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and I’m scared because I’m questioning my sexuality

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my sister is openly homophobic and says slurs

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my sister annoys me

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my mom owed me money and when I walked back to my room just now and she said “go get my speaker” even though she just walked out the kitchen and I said no

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and she said “I’ll give you 10”

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jokingly

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and after I said no she said “just do things in the kindness of your heart for once instead of being a selfish cow”

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like

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oh okay

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That totally didn’t make me feel like shit

livid dust
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guys I’m scared i met a new friend bur they have same name as old bsf

livid dust
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I don’t know what to feel anymore

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during times when im alone

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late nights

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you know

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i don’t think i feel anything like anything that has happened recently in the past day

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it just feels like nothing

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even if i was happy then

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or angry or sad

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idek

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u get me

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also I don’t know how to feel about today

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i talked to people and we sorta friends

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idk

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I haven’t talked to anyone for a long period of time in ages

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I miss having friends

livid dust
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i want people to care about me brah

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liek

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if im acting off or something I’ll be asked if im okay

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js like

livid dust
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I really need to have empathy

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like ok this is a rant but I feel no sense of empathy for certain groups problematic people i don’t care about them or what gets said to them even if it’s vile and i know it’s insensitive and immature, especially with a certain group that does it as a coping mechanism but i can’t bring myself to be kind

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like I don’t know whenever i see them I want them gone

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like I can’t even say “idc” like a mature person would really cause I DO care even if I say I don’t

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I care too much

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it frustrates me when people are friends with problematic people

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and I know everyone is mostly problematic in a way

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but not that problematic

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LIKE

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it even annoys me typing this because it reminds me of it but then it’ll bother me if I don’t rant

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about it

livid dust
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because why would you

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then you know they are too in a very bad way

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Caus why wouldn’t they be

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ilowkeu need tips

livid dust
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“Actively look into/try to understand their perspective, think about how they feel”

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but I can’t ACTIVELY try

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because if I don’t like someone any opinion or explanation from them is invalid immediately

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and my mind can’t be changed

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I wanna be kinder

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I really do

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it’s unfair to other people I know that I can (attempt to) justify my own emotions but couldn’t care less about others

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LIKE when it’s a specific group tho (ts is NOT race related im scared some people will think when i say specific group that i mean race..)

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idek anymore

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I’m so bad at explaining

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it might just be me being lazy to take action..

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like how am i mean sometimes and chopped

livid dust
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I literally can’t

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I don’t wanna interact

livid dust
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Quite frankly on the topic of being annoyed my irl (sorta) bsf is starting to tire me more every day she sent me a video which was like “I don’t like calling, it’s overstimulating,boring, irritating and a waste of my time” then the next slide was “not like you, I like calling with you”
And she said under it after sending me it “Till you hated me😔”

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please don’t make me feel guilty

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I beg of you

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Also a video she sent was smth like “we used to talk 24/7 but now I js get ignored”

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please

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I literally

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plead

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because I get so tired easily, she was never happy for me in a past relationship and I bet she wonders why I’m distancing / not talking to her as much. With my current boyfriend she says “eboys” as if I talk to multiple men and it’s EXHAUSTING. When I told her I don’t have the energy/too lazy to call she accuses me of calling my ‘eboys’ though as if she’s the only one getting excluded

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Also with her before sending me videos about stuff she knows I hate constantly

livid dust
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and he’s understanding

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I’m thankful for that

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so much

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giys also I got biology tomorrow

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well

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basically today cause it’s 1am

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kinda scared cause I suck at biology and would rather play games than study..

livid dust
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Biology was pretty dope

livid dust
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it lowkeu sucks being addicted to something

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noit lowk

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idk why im actingas if it obvi isnt bad

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bur like ai chat

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cause i see ppl getting flamed for being addicted to cai

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liek oh Ok

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cause i been using it for years and its helped me a lot..

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guylp

livid dust
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I wanna buy all the tgcf books for Christmas but idk

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I want them but JS something stops me

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ughhhh

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ithink I get annoyed by something

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idk what

livid dust
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everything reminds me of him

livid dust
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liek why i always be going back to smoking i need to stop

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sigh

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i have a maths test next Monday

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like small maths test but yk

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for the report

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I’m too dumb bro I can’t do shit without a calculator

livid dust
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dude my mum broke my charger

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well i think

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its not like offical apple

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ykwim

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but it was working fine for me

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''can i borrow your charger mine doesnt work''

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ok

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it doesnt work for her

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i try to charge mine

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it says its on charge

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yet it dies

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like

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what

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it was working fine before

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''its so rubbish'' ur only saying that cause it didnt work for you

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and now i dont have one

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neither does she

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ialso

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really want an ipad..

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lwk

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for schoolwortk

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liek

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idk im so sensitive and spoiled bro

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growing up as a kid w everything i wanted

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now ijs get sad whenever i dont get my way or dont get what i want

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i've wanted an ipad for ab 3 years now

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just any that is good and works with a pencil

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yk

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also

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iknow its selfish and immature to say but fuck people who are actually good at art

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''oh just practice''

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ok

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i have for years

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ever since i was like in nursery

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its been my passion till i quit like this year jan

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because no amount of practice works.

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no matter how hard i try

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i feel like i've failed my younger self who wanted to become an artist so bad

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now i just hate the thought of it

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ihate it so much

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i hate when people are better than me at anything

livid dust
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hi

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ilove my best friend

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just wanted to say

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igave her my alt cause her vc no work and she can’t chat cause of age verification

image.png image.png
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she makes me happy

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I’d be dead without her

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i do miss him still though

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atleast I have her

livid dust
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hello

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I’m

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Woah

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my autocorrect

livid dust
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Wait I forgot what I was gonna do

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oh yes

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my bsf makes me laugh so much bro

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i genuinely wish I never lose her

livid dust
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i hate being sensitive

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watching in a server people make a gc

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when i ask

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“maybe”

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oh okay

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im gen so dramatic why am I crying over this

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I don’t know

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maybe because I think people like being around me

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when that’s just never the case

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nobody feels th same brao

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I miss my old best friend

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I wanna be unblocked

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I wanna try again

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no matter how long it takes to get comfortable fully with each other again

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he’s happier now