Ryan's crazy journal

[orchid plaza]

yea i have no idea what to put but i guess ill try

i had college today which i really didnt want to go too, i ended up making an excuse that my bus was late and hid for 45 mins in the hospital toilets crying. i dont like collefe i feel so lonely , so different ,everyone there always has something to talk about im always the last choice. anyway im gay and theres this guy in college who iskinda cute but i knfow hes straiht , wtf why cant i find any gay people.

teacher found my sh today , i left class straight away i cant be seen as the week person who hurts themselves

theres no point saying any of this anyway to my parents honestly i hate them and they hate me , am i such a weirdo that i dream of hurting them? making them suffer like they have in my life?

talking about dreams i had a very wierd one , i was gonna jump of the bridge next to my old college the thing was i kinda enjoyed the feeling , knowing all my resposibilities are gone and be able to be free of the horrid life im in

so nb

back to mystory , like 2 weeks ago i tried to kms again , the doctors said i was 10 minuites away from bleeding out , i went to hospital got patched up and went to a+e to see mh team . what a load of shit they are .didnt even get to see them and got sent home

i just feel like i cant be my true self around anyone cos of me being scared that noone would like me

well thats all for now have to take puppy out be back soon ❤️

oh yea i had to go see cahms which is uk mental health thing and they did bs to help me , they blamedit all on my autism like wtfff

ive got everything planned out all i need to do is write the letters and waitfor my family to fall asleep, climb out of my window and head to the bridge ,i just need to find a valid time to do it

if my psrents catch me tho they would be very annoye

i would have done it already but i cant loose my puppy hes my world

found out yesterday my best friend of 7 years may have cancer

i cant think straight

lmao what do i expect im not straight im crazy

found myself looking at shtwt on twitter

I CANT DO ANYTHING FUCKING RIGHT I BOUGHT THE WRONG FUCKING RAZOR BLADES

the docotr said i worry to much , but half the time its other i worry about, i get tikd io

told off for not caring they i get told off for caring

THATS IT IMA TRY GET OUT AGAIN TONIGHT

OMFG I FORGOT I HAVE PENCIL SHARPNERA

[orchid plaza]

bro its been two weeks and all that work is gone in one night

[orchid plaza]

Teacher found out about my cuts

Said they had to report it

Like why do they have to tell everyone why cant i keep to myself

[orchid plaza]

I tried helping my sister today and yet again she turned me down, anyway woke up at 3pm today not much fun goin on

[orchid plaza]

@pallid aurora

Im sorry guys

[supple pawn]

I hope you're ok Ryan

[livid hearth]

Fuck

[orchid plaza]

I tried then failed, i cant even end my lofe

[supple pawn]

[orchid plaza]

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[orchid plaza]

So happy actually made it into college, had to have a monster just so i didnt fall asleep on the bus, hopefully today will be okay, still feeling pretty shit tho but gotta get on with it 😋

[livid hearth]

Good job man. Congrats