#Evil journal

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

umbral sparrow
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I know a lot of people say that they want to die
And mostly it's just their soul screaming for peace and they probably don't mean it

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Do i want to die?

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Yes

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There's no reason for me to continue existing
Absolutely none

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I have no purpose
I have no one to live for

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Logically why should I continue living

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These thoughts plague my mind 24 x 7.
They've made me go from a cheerful, energetic, academic weapon to a moody, unstable disappointment

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The last time I tried to off myself was last year in December
After that I've dedicated my time to finding foolproof ways of trying to cease existing
(I haven't come across one)

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This all sounds extremely whiney and attention seeking, I know

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But i wanna take advantage of the anonymity offered by being a faceless pixel on a screen to just have an outlet for my feelings
I don't want attention

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In fact I hope no one comes across this journal

umbral sparrow
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I was abused by both my parents until last year

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Physically and emotionally

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They stopped the physical abuse now

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And I know that it's not that big of a deal
Everyone's parents hit them

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But it has affected me more than I like to admit

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I don't think 14 year old me deserved to get backed into a corner and beaten up or get kicked out of the house for speaking to a boy online

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I remember when I was a kid (9 or 10)
Whenever my mom used to hit me
I used to scratch my face till it bled
I'm surprised it didn't leave permanent marks

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They used to call me fat (I'm aware of how whiney this sounds, but i suppose I should stay true to the name of the journal right?)

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I'd be in my room studying and my dad would take a picture of me
Show it to me
And tell me how disgusting i looked

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My first attempt was in 7th grade
It's astounding how 13 year old me....a child wanted to not wake up
I've OD'd multiple times since then till 9th grade.
Then I realised that getting access to lethal drugs is extremely difficult where I live
But i did end up damaging my liver so yay me i suppose

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In 11th grade, I tried to slash my wrists only to discover that it's not easy to do that

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I don't have a floor high enough to jump off of

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So there goes that plan

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I am ashamed of what I've become
There's days when I can't even look at myself in the mirror
All I see is the pathetic mess I've become
I hate it when my pretty friends touch me
I don't want to soil their hands with my ugliness

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I don't wanna be here

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I don't

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Wanna

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Be here

prime gull
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Yeah in my search for a way to take myself out the main takeaway has been that the easy, reliable, and peaceful options are restricted by the government. Really annoying. The ones that are peaceful are kinda complex which sucks. I do have one picked out but I wouldn’t call it 100% reliable

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Been going through this for the past 6 months. Seeing that people have lived with this for years is just.. no. I don’t know how people live like that

umbral sparrow
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I'm really sorry

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I hope you get better

umbral sparrow
umbral sparrow
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And the only reason I'm alive is because I cannot die

prime gull
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As for why I’m still here, I need an opportunity to do it as well as consult with others to make sure it will work. I really don’t want to be caught in a failed attempt or something

umbral sparrow
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Same but I need to get into uni in order to....access these things
A minor with no money can't really do much
So i just try to get into uni so I can fulfill my purpose (or lack thereof)

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I fucking hate my mother
Why did she have me if she thinks I'm such a waste of space/time/money?
Why have me?
I don't belong here. I belong in the bio waste bin at the abortion clinic

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She keeps telling me how worthless I am
How much I've ruined her life
She's told me to kill myself so many times
I've tried, mom. It didn't work.

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I do get where she's coming from, though
No one wants a pathetic excuse for a human flesh as a daughter

umbral sparrow
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Every day feels so painful
All the effort that I could be putting into worthwhile things is wasted trying to hold back tears

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You cannot cry in this household
One cannot step a toe out of line
There's rules
And i have to follow them

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Everything, everyone revolves around my mother

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We must act only how she wants us to
Anything that makes her even slightly sad must immediately stop

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Mother has to be kept happy

umbral sparrow
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I swear to god.

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I have not yet seen a human being worse than her

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I have no words it just keeps getting worse

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I hate it here I can't do this

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It's like she thrives on making me and my sister feel horrible about ourselves
She thrives on drama

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I just hope she doesn't pit us against each other

umbral sparrow
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My only ray of sunshine rn is my best friend
May god bless everyone with someone like him
Bro has stuck with me through everything

umbral sparrow
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People my age are out here deleting their convos with their boyfriends/girlfriends
And i have to....delete mine with my sister

umbral sparrow
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I wasn't mentioned in my sister's suicide note

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All she did was apologise to my mother and father

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I don't know what to make of that honestly

umbral sparrow
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I feel like people put up w me for a while

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And then I do smth that reveals my ✨true colors ✨

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And then they're like "nah, this bitch weird"

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Which is why I hate speaking to people now

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I feel so out of control all the time

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Even my sister
Now that she's gotten used to living all by herself
I feel like she doesn't want me around
We'll have fun for a couple of days, but then I can start to see the annoyance on her face

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It's astonishing to think that I used to love being around people
I used to wonder why introverts were scared
Then I realised that they're not scared of being around people
They just prefer being alone

ornate trench
ornate trench
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Humans tend to overthink

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And we overthink cuz of things which have happened in the past, so the overthinking is a kind of a defence mechanism, which cannot be true always

umbral sparrow
ornate trench
steel cave
steel cave
steel cave
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okay, i read through that

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Judging by your tone, I'm not sure you're willing to talk to anyone.

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I know words of hope and comfort won't do much for trauma. I also know that i can't be of much help

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But still, if you don't have a purpose in life, I'm not asking you to find one.

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Once you reach the age of 18, or whatever the minimum age for becoming an adult is in your country, you can leave that household.

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I'm not sure how to give you anything. I'm 15, and I'm here.

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If you need to vent in person, if you need someone to sympathize, if you ever feel like you want to change your mindset, I'm right here, and I'm sure others are too.

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I know words can't stop an attempt, but I hope you can escape that household and survive.

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You matter. You're important, too. Two people don't see you as a human being, which is bad, but there's people outside who will care. If my words even slightly make you comfortable in a conversation rather than a rant, my DMs are open. You're important, don't end it so soon.

umbral sparrow
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thank you thank you thank you

umbral sparrow
umbral sparrow
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you walk into the doctors cabin

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she makes small talk

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checks your head

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she then takes you to the room with 2 beds

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parallel to each other

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"you've had lunch, right dear?"

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"yes ma'am"

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"all right then, lie down"

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the lights in the room annoy me

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theyre a little too bright

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she'll do her thing

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"do you feel dizzy?"

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"no maam"

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this exact thing, every month

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its so stupid though?

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if my body is intent on destroying itself why dont we let it

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lets see what happens yeah?

umbral sparrow
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That boy is corrupt!

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Could you raise him to love me maybe?

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He sure fucked me up!

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And yes I'm talkin bout your baby

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That boy is corrupt

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PTSD on the daily

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Whyre everyones experiences with guys so traumatizing in general

umbral sparrow
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Taylor Swift released the Fate of Ophelia thinking she'd be praised for her peak lyricism and shakespeare reference
She was in for a bad surprise because little did she know that her fans aren't as dumb as they seem.

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In shakespeare's Hamlet
Ophelia is a character whose actions are, throughout the play, controlled by the men in her life.

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The ending of the play is left open for interpretation

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But Ophelia is driven crazy and I guess she consumes poison

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Now, TS wrote the song sending a message that Travis Kelce essentially saved her from that same fate

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"and if you'd never come for me, i might've drowned in melancholy"

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Now if TS is, ultimately, getting saved by a MAN, her fate is the exact same as that of Ophelia

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This one song exemplifies the current state of pop music, and when viewed with a broader lense, the whole pop culture scene

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Sabrina Carpenter- A case study

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When sabrina released her album cover for "man's best friend" she received a fuck ton of backlash for being anti-feminist and objectifying herself

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Of course, as fans were quick to point out, the album name and cover was satire

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But that's not the problem with Sabrina

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The issue is all of her songs are about men

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"B-BUT they're about hating men"

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Exactly

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She's centred her image around men albeit it's "hating" them

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All of her songs refer to how men are stupid, incompetent fools, but she's still attracted to them cuz they're hot

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Calling men "stupid" is easy. It doesn't challenge you

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This warped version of feminism is what most artists today perpetuate

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But this is NOT feminism, it is infact the opposite

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Even if your music is hating on men, it's STILL ABOUT MEN!!!

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Why can't a girl have other things? Other hobbies? Other things to talk about?

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And it's easy to be like "oh they're artists they're just as human as us"

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yes, but they have a platform and the messages they put out have an influence

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When younger women are exposed to music that is continually male centred, they tend to internalise that somewhere

ornate trench
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interesting

umbral sparrow
ornate trench
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Yes😃

umbral sparrow
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Thanks 😭

ornate trench
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Anytime stranger😃

urban geyser
umbral sparrow
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I think my sister's gonna go away tomorrow

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And I'm really scared

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Cuz when she's here my mom acts nice

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She's stable

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She's happy

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But once she's gone?

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I just know shits gonna hit the ceiling

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I don't know how much of this I can take

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The constant fear

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Panic

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Walking around eggshells because what if I say the wrong thing? What if i trigger her?

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It's so so so tiring

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Man she doesn't even give two flying fucks about me

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All she cares about is my sister

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Why am I even here

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Abortion is always an option

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God knows why she didn't go for it

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Kids at 37 are you fucking kidding me

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So when they're 17, you very conveniently have them taking care of you

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And the adult, who is 23, can just go live in another city

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I fucking hate it here

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And I can't even get out

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At the end of the day it's just me

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Just me

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Alone

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And yeah people will be like "oh I can listen, I'm here"
And i get that
But I've been really going through it since the last 5 years

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You weren't there, were you?

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I can't really explain 5 years to you.

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So yeah it's just me

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Whatever there's kids dying in wars I need to get over it

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Can't cry in here without someone screaming at you

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Hell

umbral sparrow
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Oh fuck she's leaving tomorrow morning

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This is it

umbral sparrow
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I hate this

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I hate living like this

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It's so so meaningless

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I really

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Really

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Don't wanna be here

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Please

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It's so stupid

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I just wanted to belong somewhere

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But I don't

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I'm what they call

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An outlier

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I'm not cool enough for the cool kids

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Smart enough to be put with the smart kids but not smart enough to keep up with them

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Where do I belong

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In non existence

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That's where

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I want an out

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It fucking hurts

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Being like this

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It hurts so bad

steel cave
steel cave
umbral sparrow
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It's just how it is

steel cave
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yep

umbral sparrow
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I appreciate anyone who listens it's just

steel cave
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i know it ain't targetted

umbral sparrow
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Hard to explain

steel cave
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it still hit deep

umbral sparrow
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Hmm

umbral sparrow
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fuck

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this

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shit.

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this is not living

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i dont even know what it is

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so absurdly meaningless

umbral sparrow
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Yk when you set out to do something important get this gut feeling that you're gonna succeed?

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I don't have even a morsel of that right now

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I'm not gonna make it I know it

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The question is, what am I supposed to do after?

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I can't live like that

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Total fucking failure

umbral sparrow
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you know

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when youre about to become a lawyer

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they teach you

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reasoning

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youre given arguments

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and youre asked to find the flaw

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that shit

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backfires on you

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because right now

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i cannot find a single reasoning strong enough to convince me that im supposed to be alive

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i cannot find

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any reason

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whatsoever

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to be here

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but i cant go anywhere else

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i was in 9th grade

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i told my parents i OD'd

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my mom told me to, and i quote "jump off the balcony"

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i never mentioned it again.

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when my sister tried to khs,

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they flew to get her

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put her in therapy immediately

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and sometimes i just feel like

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why did i not deserve that?

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is it cuz shes smarter? prettier?

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i try i really do

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but

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theres only so much i can take

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i just need to get out

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i will

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one day i will

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they'll still have an amazing daughter

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wont even know the difference

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one of my classmate's friends killed herself

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my classmate said "oh, she could've lived with her issues"

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if she could've lived with it

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she would not be dead right now.

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she couldnt live with it

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clearly

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i just know my mother will be angry if im gone

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not sad

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angry

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rightfully so i suppose

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im not strong

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i am weak

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but thats just another one of the things i've accepted

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everything that made me 'me'

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is gone

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i dont know what this is

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i dont know who i am

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im an outlier

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an insignificant one at that

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mediocrity : the one thing im good at

ornate trench
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But just push it through please, you'll have your happy days too

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It's very tough rn and stressing but yeah...

sage junco
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proving your family wrong, your dismissive, ignorant and hateful mother that despite all her shitty attempts at beating you down, you succeed in life

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you have been dealt horrible cards in this life, you may choose to either give up, or fight as ferociously as you can

sage junco
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you need to work hard for it, harder than you've ever worked

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it doesn't matter if it seems bleak or hopeless, you HAVE to keep pushing

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it's all or nothing

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And if you succeed, you'll have the all

sage junco
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What makes your life worth less than mine? Or your friend's?

umbral sparrow
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I self sabotage a lot

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Consciously I think

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Not sure why

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It's like that stupid song

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"I can break my heart myself"

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Anyways, bye.

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Safe space ain't safe anymore

umbral sparrow
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I'm back bitches

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Man I miss mauve :((

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Whoa I was so cringe

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Yikes

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Pretty sure I deleted this wtf

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😞

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Evil journal

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Ok ok

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That's more like it

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I was gonna ask airhead to delete it but

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I think I'd like to keep the evidence

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Of how bad shit had gotten

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And let it serve as a reminder to not let it get that bad again

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Dang I feel like a whole another person 😭

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Who the fuck is this bitch

umbral sparrow
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Meow

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Meow

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Meow

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Aaaa

prime gull
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Been a while