Kaz's new venting journal | Huddle | Page 2

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 4:51 PM

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My name

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Or

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Hi

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And i could be so scared

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And i would hear tapping sounds

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And

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I would feel the house shaking even tho the house aint and couldnt shake

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And i could hit the walls

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Would*

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To try and make it stop

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And now

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I mean i still think the same thing about the windows

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But i dont have 6 thick blankets on them now

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I have 2

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Thick blankets

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They aint thick blankets

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They thin

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Nobody can see through them

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But my mind lies

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Cus i have voices in my head

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And they say theres people looking

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When theres not

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And i think i have stalkers

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And people watching me 247

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And following me

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Even tho not true

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And i still see things and hear things and feel things that aint there with meds

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Its just not that severe

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As it used to be

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I mean

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My psychosis did get worse about a week ago

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And still is

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And idk why

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And i see things 247

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Its always there

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They are always there

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I see them all the time

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For 3 years now

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And the dissociation

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Shit that ones been a long ass time

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And the multiple personalities thing, idk what that is, but they change often

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When will the psychosis stop

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When will the derealization stop

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When will i stop being scared of nothing

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Why

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Why do i have nightmares of the person who used to abuse me

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Why do i randomly think of her

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And when i try to stop

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I cant

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Its like i cant control those thought

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Bc those are the voices

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And i have images in my mind

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Of her

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And

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Sometimes

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In the images

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Its memories

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Of what she used to do

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And i cant stop the memories

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I cant stop the voices

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From

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Showing and telling me about her

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And then

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I daydream

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Of what i couldve done

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Or what couldve happened

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If i did that or did this

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Or what can happen

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Shes the reason i became suicidal

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Shes the reason im like this

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I dont care what you say "dad"

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Ill talk about her all i fucking want

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She ruined my childhood

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Now i have all these problems bc her

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A fucking trauma disorder

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Bc her

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Maybe if she didnt do those things

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I wouldnt be like this

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I wouldnt over think

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I wouldnt have anxiety

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I wouldnt be scared of people

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I wouldnt be scared of nothing

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I wouldnt be scared of everything

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She ruined me

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She fucking ruined me

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She ruined my brother

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Shes why hes anorexic

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Shes why he has trauma

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Shes why i have trauma

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Why did she do those things

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Why did she try to kill me

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Why did she hurt me

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She did she hit me

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Why did she traumatize us

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Yell at us

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Scare us

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Threaten us

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 5:05 PM

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manic bane Yell at us

Not in a

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Normal yelling way

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In a horrible way

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Screaming

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Screaming arguing

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/fighting

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For days

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All day

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All night

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Why

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Why did she do those things

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Why is she like this

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She fucking traumatized me

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What wouldve happened if i didnt hide that one time

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Would i be dead?

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She had the fucking knife in her hand

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I saw it

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She asked me what was in her hand

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I told her

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I was on the top bunk

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Thinking i was gonna die

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Between the wall and the bunkbed

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I was safe

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I was fucking safe all bc i hid

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I didnt have to hide

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I was a fucking child

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And i still a childm

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?"

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Am i still a child*

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Am i safe now? Yes

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Was i safe then? No

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Why did those things happen

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Why did it happen

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I hope this is real life

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And not fake

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I hope im not in that house sleeping

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With her arguing yelling

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I hope this is real

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Its not fake its not fake

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Shit

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Tell me this is real

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Tell me this isint fake

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I wanna fucking cry

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Why did she start yelling and hitting me all bc i threw up

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Why

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Why

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I was only 6 years old

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I was a baby

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I was just a fucking baby

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I was a fucking baby i didnt deserve that

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Shit im crying

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No one deserves to go through that

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I wouldnt want my worst enemy to go through that

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That shit fucking destroys you

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It hurts

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Everytime i talk about it i cry

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TALKING ABOUT TRAUMA WONT HEAL YOU

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Only for some people it helps hem

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Them*

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Im not dreaming

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I hope im not dreaming

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I hope his isint a dream

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This*

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I hope this isint a dream

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I hope i dont wake up in that house

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Bc this isn't a real its real life

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Huh

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Its not fake its real life*

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 5:24 PM

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manic bane Why did she start yelling and hitting me all bc i threw up

I hope i dont see her again

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Never

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I found a coping mechanism

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That calms me

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But its something babys do

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But thats ok

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I feel like calm down now

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Like nvm

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I meant to say

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I feel so calm now

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I could fall asleep

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I wanna be cuddled

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I hope hes ok

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Better than ok

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I hope they are better than ok*

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Hold shit

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Pls dont kys

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 5:52 PM

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manic bane Hold shit

Holy shit*

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HAHAHAHAHHAA

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 6:31 PM

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For the rest of my life ill remember

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 6:32 PM

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manic bane For the rest of my life ill remember

?

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remember what

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The abuse she wanted to give me when i was just a baby

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oh

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That monster

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sorry

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Its not your fault dont be sorry

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That fucking monster

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Fuck her

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Now why would you hit a fucking 3 year old

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Huh

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Thats fucking sick

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What she did

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Why would you let your daughter get raped infront of you

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 6:34 PM

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manic bane Why would you let your daughter get raped infront of you

Im not your daughter anymore

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Never been

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 6:34 PM

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manic bane Now why would you hit a fucking 3 year old

To her:

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 6:35 PM

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manic bane Why would you let your daughter get raped infront of you

To her:

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I hope she doesnt see this

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She sickens me

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 6:35 PM

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manic bane TALKING ABOUT TRAUMA WONT HEAL YOU

Im just fucking angry

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Fucking pissed off

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I want to hit the fucking walls

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Throw things

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Yell

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Scream

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But i dont wanna act like her

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I would never hit someone unless its self defense

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So thats a good

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 6:37 PM

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manic bane Scream

I have another way of screaming without screaming

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Im so fucking pissed off

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 6:57 PM

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How much longer until im not scared

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I hate being scared

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I can feel it in my chest

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I dont like this

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...

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Im fucking scarex

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Scared*

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Afraid

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I wanna hide

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Theres no where to hide

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Im too big now

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Nvm

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Ik one spot

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2 spots"

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But theres no reason to hide

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Theres no reason to be scared/afraid

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I feel not scared whne i hide

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I wanna change my appearance again

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Chnage my hair

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Change my jewelry

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But i cant

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I dont want earrings

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I wanna change my hair

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Chnage my bracelets

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Man if his attempt works

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I hope it doesnt

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 7:09 PM

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manic bane I hope it doesnt

then why try?

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 7:11 PM

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manic bane then why try?

Idk

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Im fucking worried about him

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I dont need him to khs

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I dont need anyone to

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Theres too many people i gotta worry about

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 7:12 PM

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manic bane Man if his attempt works

He says hes not gonna do it

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I hope hes not lying

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 7:12 PM

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manic bane then why try?

I think you misunderstood

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Im not gonna try

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Someone else is

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Was*

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And i hope it wasnt/isint gonna work

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ohh

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But then he said he wasnt after i think i convinced him not too

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I hope hes not gonna try

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I love him so much

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 7:14 PM

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manic bane But then he said he wasnt after i think i convinced him not too

I hope i convinced him not to try

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Anyways

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I love him so much

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I HOPE he DOESNT try

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I hope he doesnt attempt

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 8:12 PM

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How they know its adam

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I dont remember talking to them

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Telling them

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Hmmm

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This is making my delusions worse

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 8:46 PM

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Holy shit im relieved

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That made me worry like a raccoon

marble jay Oct 12, 2025, 9:18 PM

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I’ve.. never heard that expression before

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 9:25 PM

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Lolll

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Kanye is peak

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& lil peep

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 9:58 PM

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Anyways

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Fake it till i make it

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And i wont ever make it

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 9:59 PM

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manic bane Fake it till i make it

Cant let anyone know what its about

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But anyways

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Ill be hurt forever

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I will this pain this hurt in my heart

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I have*

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Its never gonna go away

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Im fucking hurt

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 10:02 PM

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manic bane Im fucking hurt

Forever

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Ill never get over this

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Just like this song

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"will never go away"

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The shame is always there

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Im getting addicted again

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I hope i dont lose them

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Im seeing bugs

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But the bugs keep flying around no noise, my hand goes through them, they disappear as im looking at them

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So that means they arent real

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And im itchy

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But nothing is there

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And the dots

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I keep seeing the dots that aint there

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They are like the tiny Pixels on a screen

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Buzzes

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The colors

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The dots have colors

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Ive been seeing them forever

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I just remembered

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 10:10 PM

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manic bane Ive been seeing them forever

Do other people see them then

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No

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Bc they used to only happen in the dark

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But around 3 years ago i started seeing them 247

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Not just in the dark, in the light too

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 10:11 PM

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manic bane The shame is always there

The pain is always there

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The weight is there

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Always

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Its only 5pm and im tired

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Im so tired

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 10:12 PM

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manic bane "will never go away"

The regret

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The fear

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!rank

lapis violetBOT Oct 12, 2025, 10:13 PM

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manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 10:13 PM

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Intresting

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Interesting*

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Yeahh

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Im tired

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All the time

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I wanna take this damn jacket off im hot

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But i cant

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Whatever

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Its not fair

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Wtf

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everything is moving

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Like those

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Fuckign

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Whatever you call them

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hypnotize

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Videos on youtube

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Make your vision

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Its cool

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I can see the lines too

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Theres random lines

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And colors

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Why am i seeing things aint there

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Shadows

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Its whatever

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Oh i love this song

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 10:20 PM

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manic bane Why am i seeing things aint there

Its spinning

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They are spinning

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The things i see

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I see yellow

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And green

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And dark things

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Its ok tho

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I like kid cudi music

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I just remembered

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They didnt check the deep cut

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So yay

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My rooms a mess

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Water bottles everywhere

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And toilet paper

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And trash

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And things i own

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It ok tho

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I wanna sleeep

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Tired

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Woah

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Its so pretty

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In my room

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Sun setting a lil

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So

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Pretty

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I just wanna

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Nvm

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I wanna fucking run away

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I wanna disappear

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Have some fucking peace

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Have some fucking peace for atleast a month

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But can i do that?

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Yes

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Do i wanna?

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Yes

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Do i needa?

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No

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So fuck this

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I just want some fucking peace

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Peace

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Peace

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Peace

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Need peace

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Alone time

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Suffering time

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But cant have that

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Oh well

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If i run away i can

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Yeah i gotta plan

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Good plan too

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I wont be running away

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But ill be getting peace

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Alone time

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And calmness maybe

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Sounds good

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I wanna do it

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Tbh

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It would make me feel great

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So

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Meh i cant do it anyways so

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A$ap rocky got good music too

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I wanna rip this fucking Bandage off this is so itchy

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But dont need no risk for infection

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Ok

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Omg

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:00 PM

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manic bane I wanna rip this fucking Bandage off this is so itchy

Its too much itching

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Omfdg

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I took it off

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Is it healing or is that a infection

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Thats healing

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Anyways

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Put new bandage on

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Its itchy AGAIN

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Its the fucking taoe

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Tape*

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I bet 0 dollars it is

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Jk

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Im joking

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Its prob just skin irritation

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From the bandage

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I want a monster

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Hi there person putting reactions on my messages

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Replies r allowed btw

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Hru

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:14 PM

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manic bane Its itchy AGAIN

Wahhhhh

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:14 PM

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manic bane Replies r allowed btw

lol I js don’t want to interrupt or smth lolol

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:15 PM

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gloomy iron lol I js don’t want to interrupt or smth lolol

Nah its ok

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Dw

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:15 PM

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manic bane Hru

Not bad not bad,I’m guessing you’re not so good

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:15 PM

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gloomy iron Not bad not bad,I’m guessing you’re not so good

Meh idk

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Glad you aint bad

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:15 PM

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Yeah just wish you felt better

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Even a bit

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:15 PM

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Ty

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:15 PM

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You’re strong yk

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:15 PM

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Tyy

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You are too

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But anyways

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I WANNA RIP THIS BANDAGE OFF TOO ITS SO ITCHY

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And then the one of my leg

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That ones sore af

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And red

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:16 PM

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You’re still fighting even through everything.Anyways,I really hope they heal well.And hopefully you find a different coping method one day

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:16 PM

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And swollen

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And not healing

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:16 PM

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manic bane That ones sore af

Maybe it’s too tight

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The bandage I mean

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:16 PM

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gloomy iron Maybe it’s too tight

Oh its not a bandage on the leg

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Sadly

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Healing sucks

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:17 PM

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Did you cover it at all or no?

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:17 PM

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gloomy iron You’re still fighting even through everything.Anyways,I really hope they heal we...

Ty

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:17 PM

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gloomy iron Did you cover it at all or no?

Nah

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:17 PM

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manic bane Nah

Either it needs longer to heal or somethings wrong

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:17 PM

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It just aint healing and is hot, red, and puffy, and not healing

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:17 PM

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gloomy iron Either it needs longer to heal or somethings wrong

It just needs longer

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:18 PM

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manic bane It just needs longer

Hopefully,if not it could be infected or something

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:18 PM

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gloomy iron Hopefully,if not it could be infected or something

Hope not

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Infected

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:18 PM

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Yeah,that’d be awful

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:18 PM

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Hope it iss uhhh what should it be, healing slow

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:18 PM

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Yes yes hopefully it’s just that

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:18 PM

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Mhm

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:18 PM

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Even tho it’d be best if there was nothing to heal

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Still best it heals,hopefully quickly too

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Do you clean it or nah?

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:19 PM

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Nah

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Yep hope it heals

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In like a month

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Atleast a month

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:19 PM

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manic bane Nah

Maybe it’d be worth to at least put water on it,also don’t wear tight stuff on it

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:19 PM

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manic bane Atleast a month

I hope so too then

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:19 PM

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Oh i clean it in shower if thats what you meant

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:20 PM

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That’s okay then,at least you’re taking care of it

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:20 PM

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Omg this arm one is itchy af

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:20 PM

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gloomy iron That’s okay then,at least you’re taking care of it

Really hope it heals though

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:20 PM

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manic bane Omg this arm one is itchy af

I’m pretty sure itchy means healing

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That’s what I’ve been told but I’m not sure

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Let’s say it’s true

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But if not then maybe the material of the bandage is irritating it

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:21 PM

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Yeah i think its just the bandage

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I took it off a few mins ago

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And out a new one on

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And the new ones doing the same thing

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So its the bandage

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:21 PM

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gloomy iron Really hope it heals though

Yep

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:22 PM

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Do you think you could leave it off when you’re asleep?Just to give it a rest,letting it breathe can help heal it

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:22 PM

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Oh i cant

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Its too deep

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:22 PM

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Ah makes sense

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I guess there’s not much you can do then

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Not right now anyways

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:22 PM

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Yeah

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:22 PM

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Not until it starts healing a bit

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:23 PM

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Oh the one on my arm is healing

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A lil

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Slowly

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:23 PM

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Just a little bit more time then,if it starts scabbing then maybe it’ll be safe to let it breathe for a short while

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:23 PM

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Yeah

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:23 PM

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Sorry if I’m repeating myself lol

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:23 PM

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Its ok

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:23 PM

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Anyways,what time is it for you? Out of curiosity

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:24 PM

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6:23pm

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Wbu

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:24 PM

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00:24

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So I think I’m 6h ahead

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:25 PM

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Ok

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Holy shit coughing hurts

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:25 PM

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manic bane Holy shit coughing hurts

Damn bro r u alr

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Have a drink

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:25 PM

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Yea just upper respiratory infection

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:25 PM

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Oh

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Oh that’s ass

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Do u have antibiotics or something?

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:26 PM

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Nah

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Doctors didnt give me anything

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Oh right just remember theres a thing called water

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:26 PM

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manic bane Oh right just remember theres a thing called water

Lmao,stay hydrated then

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:27 PM

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Water is so great

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:27 PM

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manic bane Doctors didnt give me anything

That’s messed up,idk abt infections but I’m pretty sure u get antibiotics for any infection

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:27 PM

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manic bane Water is so great

Yes yes

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Oh yeah u mentioned monster before,why flavours have u tried?

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I forgot to ask

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:28 PM

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Ive had blue, yellow, pink, purple, green and black, etc

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:28 PM

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manic bane Ive had blue, yellow, pink, purple, green and black, etc

That’s sick then,which ones are ur top?

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:28 PM

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I loveee the one thats fruit punch but with a diff name

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Even tho havent had in bout a year

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Idk

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And the original

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:29 PM

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manic bane I loveee the one thats fruit punch but with a diff name

Oo cool then,hopefully u get to have it soon again

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:29 PM

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And the coffee type rava or something like rhat

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Java

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:29 PM

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You’ve sure had a lot

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:29 PM

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The mad one

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:29 PM

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But tbh that’s sick

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:29 PM

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The mad mocha or something like that

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Ty

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I LOVE COFFE

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:30 PM

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Never tried but sounds good

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:30 PM

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It is

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:30 PM

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manic bane I LOVE COFFE

I tried iced one before I think,not bad

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:30 PM

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Ooh cool

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:30 PM

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Yeahhh,so Wyd??

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:30 PM

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Idk wbu

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Btw im going to sleep gn

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:31 PM

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manic bane Idk wbu

Js sitting half on my chair half on my bed,and afk on Roblox

gloomy iron Oct 12, 2025, 11:31 PM

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manic bane Btw im going to sleep gn

Okay okay,good for u to sleep so gn

manic bane Oct 12, 2025, 11:43 PM

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I wanna hurt myself even worse

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Shit dude

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 1:46 AM

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Hmm

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 1:46 AM

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manic bane I wanna hurt myself even worse

I might

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But time to go back to sleep so

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I wanna punch the fucking wall

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If my body doesn't stop automatically moving

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Shaking

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The fucking shaking

#

Stop shaking

#

I hate you shaking

#

STOP SHAKING

#

FUCK

#

THIS

#

STOP FUCKING SHAKING

#

THIS IS WHY I CANT SLEEP

#

Bc the stupid shaking

#

Stop shaking fingers

#

Bitch

#

I wanna do something bad

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 2:00 AM

#

manic bane I wanna hurt myself even worse

Uhmmm

#

What do i do

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 2:01 AM

#

manic bane THIS IS WHY I CANT SLEEP

BIT H

#

Jdhsjdjdjdndjdjsjsjjsjdjdhxjxjdjdjnddjd

#

I HATE YOU

#

I hate shaking uncontrollably

#

CAN I PLEASE STOP SHAKING

#

FUCK YOU BITCH ASS SHAKING

#

SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE

#

ALL YOU WANNA DO IS SHAKE?

#

WELL THEN FUCK YOU BODY

#

I honestly wanna do it way worse this time

#

I wanna go to heaven

#

Why am i even here

#

Why should i be here

#

Whats my reason to stay?

#

One more.

#

Took it

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 2:18 AM

#

manic bane Whats my reason to stay?

Nothing

#

Nobody

#

Ik people care

#

This is just too much for me

#

Im hurting too kuch

#

Much*

#

Its too much pain

#

Way too much pain

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 2:19 AM

#

manic bane One more.

I wanna take another

#

Shit im sorry

#

Im giving up

#

Giving up hope atp

#

STOP FUCKING STOMPING

#

BITCHES

#

STOP STOMPING

#

STOP

#

STOP

#

I NEED TO FUCKING SLEEP

#

AND YALL WANNA STOMP STOMP STOMP

#

STOP FUCKING SHAKING THE HOUSE BEFORE I PUNCH THIS WALL

#

STOP YELLING

#

I HATE IT I JATE IT I HATEBDNSDNDNND

#

BITCHES

#

I NEED IT I NEED IT I FUCKING NEED TO

#

I CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE

#

Imma try to sleep one last fucking time

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 9:50 AM

#

Omfg its monday

#

I really wanna go it

#

Do*

#

OMGG

#

HE

#

NO

#

NO

#

NO

#

I HOPE HES ALIVE

#

I CANT STAND LOSING HIM

#

NO NO NO NO

#

PLS DONT TELL ME HES DEAD

#

PLS JUST TELL ME HES ALIVE

#

FUCK

#

WHAT IF WHAT HE DID WORKED

#

NO

#

No

#

No

#

Hes my fucking everything

#

He gave me hope

#

He stopped me from kms

#

But look

#

Why couldnt i had been awake

#

There for him

#

Stopping him

#

Not letting him khs

#

But look

#

I was asleep

#

Who knows if hes alive or not

#

I hope hes alive

#

I cant stand to lose someone

#

He better be alive

#

I love him so much

#

Just tell me hes alive

#

Pls

#

Pls pls pls pls pls pls be alive

#

Pls survive

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 10:52 AM

#

Im in a mental health crisis

#

I wanna hurt myself

#

Im seeing colors that arent there

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 10:54 AM

#

manic bane I wanna hurt myself

I just need to

#

Shit

#

Shit

#

What if i actually do

#

It will be ok

#

I just need to go back to sleep

#

Even tho everytime ive went to sleep

#

Ive had nightmares about the person who abused me

#

And i feel worse

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 11:16 AM

#

Changed the bandage

#

Cat is being clingy af

#

Cuddling?

#

Damn

#

Can this cat sense that i want cuddles

#

Prob not

#

Anyways

#

I hope hes alive

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 12:01 PM

#

Omfg

#

They caught me in the middle of a sesh

#

Another fasica

#

||suicide attempt||

#

Hes alive

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 12:17 PM

#

manic bane ||suicide attempt||

Found out after this

#

They wanted to see my arm before i bandaged it

#

But i already bandaged it

#

So

#

They cant i hope

#

Nvm

#

She made me show her

#

She thinks imma get an infection and die

#

I aint

#

She needa stop overthinking

#

Bc i wont get a infection

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 12:39 PM

#

He is scaring me by the things he says

#

I will survive

#

I can pretend I'm better

#

I can: not hurt myself and pretend im better

#

All cus if i dont hurt myself, it doesnt mean im better

#

Its whats in the head

#

Too

#

I wanna get stitches this time..

#

I cant get myself to tell them

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 1:09 PM

#

HE DOESNT GET IT

#

HE JUST DOESNT GET IT

#

I DO IT TO MAKE ME CALM

#

IT CALMS ME DOWN

#

THE VOICES

#

I DONT DO IT ALL CUS SOME VOICES TELL ME TOO

#

I do it to make me calm

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 1:38 PM

#

Man im fucking cold, freezing even tho everyone else says it feels good and warm

#

Oh im shaking im so cold

#

No school today

#

Colddd

#

My feet are freezing

#

Man

#

They wanna call me anemic

#

Anemic huh

#

I aint anemic

#

Theyre the anemic ones

#

They wanna call me em9

#

Emo*

#

How they know

#

Why they wanna ask what type of music i listen too

#

I aint gonna listen to something i dont like

#

So shut up about my music taste

#

Aint no demons talking to me

#

I aint psycho

#

Stop calling me psycho

#

Aint no spirits following me atound

#

Fucking Liars

#

Shut up man

#

The things i hear and see that other people don't see are not demons

#

Cmon now

#

Stop trying to scare me

#

Stop trying to scare me

#

With the demon and spirit stuff

#

Im not going to hell

#

Rn

#

No one knows where im going

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 1:48 PM

#

manic bane Rn

So stop saying im going to hell rn at this very moment

#

Bc im not

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 1:49 PM

#

manic bane No one knows where im going

Except Jesus

#

Thats it

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 1:49 PM

#

manic bane Bc im not

Im alive

#

And im on earth

#

So stop trying to scare me

#

I wonder if my pizza is done cooking

#

Im hungry

#

Oh yeah i forgot to take my meds

#

I aint got no more

#

Welp

#

Man

#

My arm hurts

#

WHERE WAS MY HEAD AT

#

Thank god she didnt puke when she saw it

#

The regret and realization of what ive done

#

Is this the point where it ends

#

Is this the point where i die

#

Or is it not

#

Am i overthinking

#

Why is this day so familiar

#

Its prob just overthinking

#

Yeah overthjnking

#

Its not familiar

#

It hasn't happened before

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 5:04 PM

#

Changed bandages

#

Putted gauze instead non stick bandage

#

And when i took the old bandage off

#

My arm felt that fresh air

#

And was feeling great

#

Boring

#

Cant wait till they heal

#

They need stitches

#

But the new one

#

That ones healing great

#

Ill love when they heal

#

Ill love non stick banages too

#

But no

#

Now the scab the wounds make is gonna stick to the damn gauze

#

Ugh why

#

They needed a bandage change tho sooo

#

They hurt

#

What if i didnt go that deep

#

Holy mf

#

They prob gonna take months to heal

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 5:40 PM

#

Atleast they will heal tho

serene edge Oct 13, 2025, 5:48 PM

#

🫂 Glad your still with us Kaz!

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 6:00 PM

#

Ty

#

I want them to heal

#

I wanna wear short sleeves again

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 6:21 PM

#

Im worried about my cugs

#

Cuts*

#

What if they dont heal

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 6:37 PM

#

Google says itll heal

#

So

#

Thats a relief

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 6:54 PM

#

I dont wanna be home

#

Idk why

#

Theres nothing wrong about home

#

I just have this weight on my chest whenever im home

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 7:23 PM

#

Ok

#

Plan is is that i get the gauze wet when i take it off

#

So it doesnt reopen the wound

#

GREAT IDEA

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 8:36 PM

#

manic bane Plan is is that i get the gauze wet when i take it off

I dont gotta do hat

#

That*

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 8:36 PM

#

manic bane So it doesnt reopen the wound

It wont

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 10:20 PM

#

Omfg i look great

#

I did my hair and makeup

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 10:36 PM

#

Took makeup off

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 11:13 PM

#

I wanna sh

#

I already have too much blood loss so i cant

#

Omg

#

My room is a mess

#

Changed bandagey

#

Bandages*

#

Id honestly keep them uncovered

#

But i dont want them getting infected

#

So

#

Oh and i putted antibiotic ointment on both

#

I wanna do it so bad

#

Cant wait till school starts again

#

So i wont be in my room all day

#

I wanna do my makeup

#

Im bored

#

But no im not

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 11:33 PM

#

manic bane Plan is is that i get the gauze wet when i take it off

Nvm i need to do this

#

Wait i changed my bandages i think 5 times today

#

Thats too much

#

But they are leaking soooo much

#

Thats normal tho

#

I hate how they look infected when they aint

#

I love how they look when hey are fresh

#

Whats wrong with me

#

I have depth blindness

#

I wanna go deeper

#

But im already at the risk of losing my arm

#

If it gets infected

#

Or if i do one thing wrong

#

But its ok

#

Will i ever get better

#

Omg

#

This fucking crisis

#

Is bad this time

#

I dont wanna ask go to the hospital and get help

#

But i think thats the only way i can get help atp

#

Since nothings working

#

At home

#

Nah i dont wanna miss school

#

I dont wanna have to do all that make up work again

#

Its ok tho

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 11:39 PM

#

manic bane I dont wanna ask go to the hospital and get help

I cant hurt myself this bad there

#

And if i try to hurt myself there

#

Then the nurses will stop me

#

But im still not going

#

But i cant hurt myself this bad there

#

I dont wanna die one day if i mess up

#

Its ok tho

#

Ill somehow get better at home

#

I wanna hurt myself sooo bad

#

Nothing can go wrong

#

Shit

#

What am i thinking

#

I wanna stay home

#

I dont want no hospital

#

I just think that i wont get better at home

#

But i will somehow

#

I just wanna hurt myself

#

I might do it

#

Shit

#

I already half way got up to do it

#

But i layed back down

#

Holy shit the urges are bad

#

Oh i love it

#

I just had self awareness for about 5 secs

#

I stopped

#

Idk why

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 11:56 PM

#

manic bane I just had self awareness for about 5 secs

How its back to the same old shit

#

I want to do it again

#

Make it ||deeper||

manic bane Oct 13, 2025, 11:57 PM

#

manic bane Make it ||deeper||

Omg the urges are sooooo bad again

serene edge Oct 13, 2025, 11:59 PM

#

manic bane Omg the urges are sooooo bad again

Please dont🫂

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 12:00 AM

#

manic bane Make it ||deeper||

I fucking hate you depth blindness

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 12:00 AM

#

serene edge Please dont🫂

Ty

serene edge Oct 14, 2025, 12:01 AM

#

manic bane Ty

I'm always around catt_hug loveblob

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 12:01 AM

#

My mind is being so

#

..

#

I wanna sh soooo fucking Bad

#

Last time i had this feeling

#

I had to give in

#

Cus it wouldnt go away for days

serene edge Oct 14, 2025, 12:03 AM

#

Try and think of somthing else.. It'll be hard but ik you can do it.

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 12:03 AM

#

All i can do is sleep

serene edge Oct 14, 2025, 12:05 AM

#

And music and talk to people ❤️

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 12:05 AM

#

Sleep

#

I gotta remind myself ive lost too much ||blood||

#

I dont want the urges to go away but at the same time i do

#

My rooms a mess

#

Im tired

#

Imma sleep

serene edge Oct 14, 2025, 12:07 AM

#

manic bane Imma sleep

Sweet dreams

#

catt_hug

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 12:07 AM

#

serene edge Sweet dreams

U too

#

Get sleep

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 2:40 AM

#

WHERES MY HEAD AT

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 7:18 AM

#

This is too much

#

Way too much for me to deal with

#

I cant do this shit anymore

#

I wanna sh

serene edge Oct 14, 2025, 7:25 AM

#

manic bane I wanna sh

please dont. we are still here for you🫂

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 11:47 AM

#

serene edge please dont. we are still here for you🫂

Ty

#

Mr. Rager

#

Is a fucking great song

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 11:54 AM

#

manic bane I wanna sh

Even my dreams are of me doing it

#

I wanna do it so bad

#

Im shaking so bad its so cold

#

My head hurts

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 1:12 PM

#

My friends are so special to me, i care about them so much, and love them so much /platonic

#

I hope they get better

#

Anyways

#

Its so cold in my room im shaking

#

And i have to physically stop my body from shaking this much to stay warm

#

Bc that somehow keeps me warm

#

Its so cold under my duvet too

#

Idk how my cat is walking around all fine and not cold

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 2:13 PM

#

Alr

#

Took shower

#

Its not that cold anymore

#

Been taking a shower everyday for idk how long

#

Yayyyy

#

Im proud of myself

#

And i changed the bandages

#

All of them are healing

#

The burns look a little... Odd

#

But thats it

#

Yayyy

#

Im so glad they are healing

#

Its getting cold again

#

I wanna do something like make a bracelet

#

Hehehehhe

#

Whateverrr

#

I think i slept wrong

#

My neck hurts on one side

#

But oh well

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 3:41 PM

#

"MY HEART"

#

HMM

#

Wonder what shes saying after that part in the song

#

Cus shes talking too fast

#

Oooh i should make music

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 3:42 PM

#

manic bane Oooh i should make music

Yeahhh

#

Music

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 4:13 PM

#

This week sucks

#

These last 4 months suck"

#

Why is everyone attempting

#

Like pls dont do that

#

Im begging

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 4:29 PM

#

I WANNA SCREAM

#

IM ALREADY PISSED THE FUCK OFF

#

FUCK ALL THIS FUCK ASS SHIT

#

FUCK THIS

#

FUCK HER

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 4:29 PM

#

manic bane FUCK HER

NVM

#

BUT RUIN MY DAY

#

BY GETTING ALL MY CLOTHES UP

#

THEN GOING IN MY BATHROOM AND GETTING MY FUCKING BLOODY TOILET PAPER

#

I HATE THIS

#

FUCK THIS

#

STUPID ASS DAY

#

BITCH ASS DAY

#

ITS NOT STUPID

#

I CANT CALL ANYTHING STUPID

#

I WANNA YELL SCREAM AND THROW EVERYTHING

#

BC FUCK THIS

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 4:34 PM

#

manic bane I WANNA SCREAM

And throw things

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 6:51 PM

#

I feel fine now

#

Not really tho

#

Cus my thoughts

#

Its just my body feels fine now

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 6:52 PM

#

manic bane Cus my thoughts

If im talking about my thoughts, im not ok

#

But its ok

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 7:08 PM

#

Anyways

#

I wanna do it

#

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 7:15 PM

#

manic bane

My thoughts

#

Are so fucking awful

#

Idk if they will ever go away

#

Getting worse myself while trying to save others

#

Its either this or being pissed off all the time

manic bane Oct 14, 2025, 7:45 PM

#

DAYDREAMS

#

FUCKING DAYDREAMS LIKE EVERY 5 MINS

#

2 MINS ACTUALLY

#

WHY ARE THEY SO BAD

#

WHY AM I MIXING UP DREAMS WITH REALITY

#

IDK WHICH ONES WHICH

#

THE FUCKING DEREALIZATION TOO

#

I might kms

#

Im fucking sorry

#

Im doing it

#

Time to sleep

#

Im sorry

#

Just a few more mins.

#

Seeing bugs that aint there

#Kaz's new venting journal