#Eya

278 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

wise bane
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I hate life so much, and had ||suicidal thoughts|| many times. But when I think about death and how close I am I become so scared

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I'm a hypocrite

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Why do I fear life and death both, I should pick a side

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It's almost impossible to go check for every disease there is, and there are a lot of silent diseases and cancers. I can never know if I don't have them all or not for sure

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This uncertainty is killing me slowly

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Even when my parents are being nice to me which is rare, I can never feel calm or at ease

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I feel like something is waiting for me, I've been unlucky my whole life so it only makes sense

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I don't want to be this negative, but I can't control my thoughts

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I remember the first time this started I was a kid, I felt my heart beating so fast and wondered if I had heart problems. And so begun everything

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For every little pain I have to get really anxious, google every little symptom

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Get reassured for a while

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Then panicking again, because what if I am that 1 percent of being sick

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It's a cycle I can never break, and no one tries to get me

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If I could control this fear, believe me I would

warm plaza
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i feel you so much ml. i always have the thought and i am scared of both sides. i think i will just stay and i hope you do to.

wise bane
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Thanks, I'm trying. I hope you're doing well too

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Even when my parents scream at each other I feel so triggered, I know they don't scream at me anymore but all those loud voices, I don't know how much more I can take

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Them and my little sister, the constant fighting make me sick

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And when they vent about it to me I just can't take it. I know each one of them expects me to take their side

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When I don't really care at all

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About their fights

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My mom can't choose if she loves or hates me and it's pissing me off

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Her whole life she's been abusive to me, but whenever I'm in a life threatening situation she suddenly cares

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And even cries for me

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And the worst part is that I know she's not faking it and actually concerned. Why can't you pick a side?

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Only if she knew how much I hate this, because I'm always the attention seeking bitch you hate so much, until I'm dying

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I know when it all ends you're going to be the same

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Maybe hate me even more, it's always the same with you, if I'm alive and safe then you're allowed to say and do whatever you want

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No matter how much it hurts

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I'm at this point where I got over everyone, because I realized none of it matters. I never got love from you as a kid and it's too late now, so why should I expect anyone else to love me? When the one who's supposed to love you the most is your abuser?

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It hurts so much to think about it, but whenever I get too close I get ditched like I'm some sort of trash you need to get rid off

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I used to be very antisocial and didn't like having friends, it's true that we attract what we hate the most

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Because back then I had some people around me even when I didn't want to

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But now that I got some attention and knew what it's like to feel like someone cares about you, I feel like everyone around me drifts away

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Or maybe I'm the one who's pushing them away, even if I don't mean to

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My mom used to always convince me how I don't need friends, and how I suck at making friends and being normal anyways

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Even when I had friends she always didn't hesitate to point how my friends are closer to each other than me to them

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It's true, I didn't mind it for a while because I never cared about this stuff. But now I care, because I can't stop feeling like a last resort to everyone around me

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I'm only needed when they have no one, when someone is at their lowest they know who to call. I'm always one call away, so you vent out all of your frustrations on me

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But maybe that's the only thing I'm good at, I'm not good at being a friend, always studying, always feeling down, and always sick

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I know I'm so boring and I suck

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But sometimes I don't like to accept it, I pretend Im not, and that I can have the same life as everyone else

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Winter is coming, and so is college

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I'll spend most of my days in headaches in class, or catching a cold and sick at home

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I hate this season so much, and the fact that I couldn't find a job, and should continue with my studies now. We agreed to do that after all, my opinions and what I want to do with life can go to hell

ivory plinth
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Hey, i'm not really good with words, so i'll just say that you have my support, if that means anything. My dms are always open if you need anything, or just need some company. hugs

wise bane
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Thank you for the support, I appreciate it

ivory plinth
wise bane
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Thank you for saying that. I don't think I'm nice but I used to think I'm decent. I try to care about my friends equally and be there for them.
I'm kinda over it now, even going back to college this year I don't think I want to try make friends again, it's draining and pointless, at least for me

ivory plinth
wise bane
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Yeah I get what you mean, thank you for the advice and taking time to reply, it means a lot

ivory plinth
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Of course, Anytime

wise bane
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I'm not ready at all to go back to college

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I have to next week

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I wish I didn't have to, but a deal is a deal. I didn't find a job and we agreed I'll continue my studies if I don't

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It's just so fucking tiring

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I'm not ready at all

ivory plinth
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Hey, you'll survive, i believe in you

wise bane
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Thank you

wise bane
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I was born just to suffer, I'm almost sure of it now

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I get ghosted by almost everyone, and I don't even know why I try

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Probably because I got used to being a punch bag

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I'm so tired, I couldn't even face the one who manipulated and used me for months

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I couldn't confront them

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Everytime they text I answer them and pretend nothing happened, because I'm a coward

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Everyone who knows me well know it at this point

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Even if they don't say it to my face. I'm basically asking for it. I let them use me knowing it was wrong, then after I realized it I didn't confront them

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I'm so done with my life

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Idk why am I scared of death this days, I shouldn't be

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People like me shouldn't even live, maybe I'm just a disgrace to this world

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I don't know if I'm sensitive or people are just mean

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I've been talking to this person on discord and we haven't spoken for a while, I found out he just unfriended me

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He was the one who dmed me first, I just don't get what could be the reason to unfriend someone

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Just because we didn't talk for a while?

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Says a lot about you as a person, and a friend

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Your friends must be really lucky to have you

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Honestly I don't even care, I feel numb at this point. But I don't get how these people think

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Or maybe just because I'm not flirty when we talk, and I ignore your flirty comments

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Just because I want a friend, idk what's the wrong in that

ivory plinth
wise bane
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I wish I was less sensitive and didn't care about who stays or leaves me

ivory plinth
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being sensitive, or empathic is a gift and a curse at once. It means you care about others, youre better than most, but you also get hurt more easily

wise bane
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It is a gift if you're surrounded with people as empathic as you are, otherwise Im just starting to think there's no use to it at all. My family, even though they care in a way, is not the empathic type at all. I had to spend my childhood confused why no one feels what I feel, and why even though I cry and I'm hurt it doesn't make a difference and they're still harsh. While I sometimes cry myself to sleep when I think I've upset them

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I love this song, even though I just started listening to it it's oddly comforting

wise bane
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It's weird, I get scared of dying because idk how it will feel like. But there are times I close my eyes when I'm sleepy and think what if I go tonight, and don't wake up tomorrow. I find that I don't always mind death, the idea of not existing and not being in pain, scary but maybe not bad

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I'm glad that tonight I'm not feeling very bad, I'm sad but not deeply hurt. I feel so sleepy and calm, my mind is not racing with bad thoughts

wise bane
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I love this song

wise bane
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I have to start going to college on monday

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I really wish I don't have to, there are people I don't want to see

ivory plinth
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you can do this, i believe in you hugs

wise bane
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Thank you, also thanks for always responding you're nice

ivory plinth
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its nothing really

wise bane
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I hate college

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I'm so sleepy and my neck is really stiff

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And I still have work to do before sleeping 😭

wise bane
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My head is killing me with pain

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Just from a 3 hour class

ivory plinth
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Kill it before it kills you 🤔

wise bane
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The professor?

ivory plinth
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your head

wise bane
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Oh okay x)

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That would be kms though 😭

ivory plinth
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uhm...

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but your head wouldnt hurt yk

wise bane
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I'd rather kill my professor ngl, he's a nice person though

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But 3 hours with him are unbearable

wise bane
ivory plinth
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sometimes the teachers are so punchable fr 😔

wise bane
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After one hour and a half he said if we don't take a break then he'll finish faster and we'll be out before the 3 hours are over

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Yet he lied 😔

wise bane
ivory plinth
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i mean, our teachers barely even teach us anymore, and its just the start of the second month

wise bane
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I need a teacher like that atp

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My professors barely let me catch my breath in class lmao

wise bane
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I feel so sleepy but I still have to study, and I can't drink more than one coffee a day or my heartbeats will go crazy. This sucks

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I don't even know how everyone else does it, this is really hard

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I can't study for more than two hours before getting dizzy and unfocused

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And my sleepiness doesn't help at all

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I really want to be at the top of my class this year for once

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Not second, not third

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I want to feel like I achieved something but every day it feels even more impossible

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I hate the way I feel, everyone is so put together and the year barely started

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And I'm still so far behind

ivory plinth
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but youre trying hard, im proud of you hugs

wise bane
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Thank you c:

wise bane
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I'm so sick of college already, I can't wait for this year to be over with 😭

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Yesterday I sprained my ankle and skipped today's classes. While I'm happy about it I missed a lot and I don't know where to begin with taking the notes then trying to understand, then do the assignments

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The ||self harming|| thoughts are getting more and more intense. I need a distraction so bad to forget about this

wise bane
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Tonight is going to be a long night

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I feel so empty

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Idk why I'm constantly put in situations that makes me feel I'm better off being alone

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I like my friends but I also don't mind being by myself these days

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It feels very suffocating to be surrounded by people, I'm kinda in the right circle of friends away from the toxicity I faced last year

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So I know I shouldn't complain

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But at the same time, I'd rather sit in the front desk by myself and not have them save a seat from me, the gesture is so nice but I feel so pressured

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Idek why, and that's so pathetic

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These past two weeks have been a lot, idk how I feel

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But I don't think I'm happy, this week feel like I've made another new friend

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Idk how it happened, but one day they're just in my face the whole day

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They're nice and I don't hate them, but idk how to feel

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Is there even a limit to how many friends can one have? I feel like one day I'm gonna burst

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I rather have one or two close friends I can always turn to and I can help and be there for too. But it's not like I pick and choose, or tell someone I don't want to be friends with

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Online it's a bit different, because as harsh as it seems everything can be over with a click on the phone

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And no one has to be a good friend, it's less demanding and draining than a rl friendship

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I know I won't be able to sleep tonight, my body won't let me

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Not just my ankle but also my brain and heart

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It keeps beating louder and louder, and my thoughts can't stop racing in my mind

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As if I think hard enough, I can solve all the problems in my life

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I know I can't though, I think that thinking about stuff is my main issue, I should stop overthinking this much

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Another thing I should do, is being less on the internet, even less than what I have now

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I need to stop looking at news and texts so much, and focus on my life more

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I think the internet has ruined me in a way, my health anxiety, depression and fear about what's going on in the world, are all caused by being on my phone

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It's so uncomfortable to try to remember when this started, because it has always been there, always going away to only come back after a while

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And when it goes away I regret all those good times in life I missed, being so anxious and so focused on my fear, that I couldn't enjoy life

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I should really sleep x)

wise bane
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I hate myself more these days

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Because I'm a shitty person to everyone around me

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It's funny because I'm not doing anything, and that in itself is a problem

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I always fuck up no matter what

wise bane
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No matter how much I try to be happy I just can't

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I only feel like crying all the time these days

wise bane
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I started all alone now I'm lonely again, idk how I feel about that

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Sometimes it feels like my whole world is falling apart and I need someone to tell about it, but then I feel like no one would really get it. Most of the time I sound like a spoiled brat who didn't get their way but it's much bigger than that and it's so upsetting when people assume that

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I grew up being told I can't ask for anything and I should be just grateful for what I get, and that's it. So sometimes I get a little daring and ask for things, trying to put behind me that old me who was a kid and couldn't ask for things. But when I ask for things I get framed as this type of person that I never want to be

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Why do I always give everyone everything I can, because I really care and want nothing in return, but when I get rejected and put in that spot a lot I wonder if I just don't deserve anything or if I've been with the wrong people my whole life

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I never want to open up my heart again to anyone, I rather live and suffer alone rather than people making me suffer and doubt my own feelings

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If I look at it from any perspective I wouldn't say a person like me who went through these struggles deserve the pain, but I wonder if I do. I know life isn't fair and good people suffer too, but I also know that I'm not a saint and that I mess up a lot, more than everyone else. Even if no one knows about I still mess up, so maybe this is my punishment

wise bane
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I hate how my family is constantly fighting. They're always screaming in each other's faces

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If not for the small moments of peace we get, id believe they really hate each other

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I'm so tired, I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be honest in life

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I thought by now I would be moving out of here and living my own life alone and away

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But I'm still stuck here and it's slowly killing me

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Who know, maybe when I graduate I'll be able to gtfo this time

wise bane
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I feel so depressed and sad today

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I shouldn't have but I thought about old friendships and how easy they were

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Even though I was going through a lot I had the support that I've never had before

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But life has its own way to remind me that I don't deserve good things and if I get them they're only temporary

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I blame myself for being too hopeful for the future sometimes. My dad's endless promises that almost never happen, though I don't blame him, and my mom's strict words about the things I can and can't have in life should've been enough to not dare hope for too much

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It hurts even more when I expect it to last, despite everything bad telling me that it won't, and it turns out to be true

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But I think I never learn, I don't know how much longer I will keep pretending I don't need anyone before I give up and get hurt again

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Though I have friends now I'm not emotionally attached, and I'm glad I am

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Because I'm seeing the way one of them keeps treating me, as if testing my boundaries and crossing them everytime, and in front of everyone else she's that innocent angel who never says anything wrong, it is kind of disturbing in a way, idk why she does that and frankly I don't want to find out. But I'm glad that I don't care enough to take it to heart from her or anyone else, all I have to do is pretend I don't know what she's talking about and it's all good

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I'm afraid of opening my heart and trying to be myself, I'm scared I'll regret it if I do

wise bane
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Songs like these make me feel the need to leave everything behind with someone who cares about me and I care about them, idc where but just go to a safe place

wise bane
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I'm so sleep deprived I just want to sleep

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I feel so guilty because I didn't study well today, I'm already so behind

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But I also want to sleep so bad, maybe I'll catch up tomorrow

quartz radish
wise bane
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The artist is so talented

scenic mural
wise bane
scenic mural
# wise bane I can't go to therapy right now, I'm still studying and I have no income. And ta...

I see.. i could recommend you 7 cups, where there are people offer emotional support without any cost. honestly, i know how intense the thing is when we reach the point when we start feeling suicidal, if you feel it again, just... contact anybody helpful, and if it gets too intense, call emergency support. and dont hesitate to do that. always remember- your life matters more than anything.

wise bane
scenic mural
# wise bane Thank you for the recommendation, I just looked it up and I'll give it a try . O...

You're most welcome. The fact that you are still alive and you actually managed to cope up with these makes you very special. Not everybody can do this, but you did it. And i'd tell you to make more supporting friends or even a partner/boyfriend. If you are taking decisions about love or choosing a partner, please take it wisely, because the relationships sometimes might turn toxic. And especially conditions like this, a toxic relationship can make things even worse. But if you manage to get a good partner, then it will help you overcome your depression by a really big percentage.. But i would say dont try it yet, make friends, some true ones, who would stay by your side. And if you ever feel like theres no one to listen, ill be there. Just hit me up in my dm, my dms are always open

wise bane
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Your profile is so pretty btw, I love it

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And thanks for the request too, I'll dm you when I need it

wise bane
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I want to sleep early tonight, I thought I'd make some effort and not study and spend quality time but it's not worth it. I'm so stupid

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It would be better to go to sleep, I have to get up early anyways, nothing else matter really

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I feel so lonely, I wish I can hug someone rn

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I feel so pathetic when I talk like this, because I rarely hug people or get hugged. But there are few people in my life that even though we hugged once or twice, their hugs felt safe

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I don't want to stay alone for the rest of my life, no one really wants that even if they say they want to be alone. But I also don't want to have partners, to have sex or to get married. I want to have people that care, or just one person I can always turn to when it gets hard to breathe, just like rn

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I want a friend who'll always stay not because I have something to give but because we care for each other

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Every friend I got so far have their own friends, and I always feel like a second option, I've never been picked first.

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Idk if I'm asking for too much, but I want a friend who genuinely cares, and won't hurt my feelings intentionally

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The only person I thought wouldn't leave me left, because I was too stupid

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I just want another chance

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I just need to sleep

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Tomorrow is a new day, I'll probably wake up less hurt and won't even think about this

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Idk how much I can keep living like this

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Before I breakdown again

wise bane
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I wish I can go back in time and hug you one last time

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We all knew that you wouldn't last long, but you were gone so early I just couldn't believe it. I feel so ashamed that your cousin had to be comforting me as I cried over your death when I should've been the one comforting her. It's been what, three years, but it feels like yesterday when we were playing and joking togerher

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Your mother, or whoever that was on my birthday texting me with your account was so cruel. Part of me want to hate them so much, but they made me imagine for a while that it was really you, texting me like that and wishing me a happy birthday, that you were still with me and never left me.

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They sent me another message but I never responded, I don't know what to say. Whatever their intention was they were so cruel because they were playing with my feelings like that, they shouldn't have texted me at all. Maybe just told me who they were instead of pretending like they were you, I know you weren't. I know you're under the ground now

scenic mural
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can i add you please.

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can i send a friend request?

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ill be there for you.

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i understand your feelings very well.

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its kind of similar to me.

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ill be there.

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my exams are running, so i might not be able to give you alot of time.

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but ill try

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atleast ill make sure you are well.

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and im really sorry for whats happening in your life

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no one deserves to feel that way

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but always one reminder. its temporary. it wont last for long.

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and you said u are asexual/aromantic

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no you are not.

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u said u wanted a hug.

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and ... love is not always sex, dating or romance

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the main definition of love is just being there even tho they have seen the worst of you

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supporting you no matter how hard the storm is.

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this is true love

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and i know you want that kind of love.

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dont you?

wise bane
wise bane
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I'm not very good with words at the moment but I'm so grateful for your messages

scenic mural
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i just want you to listen to me.

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i wont expect you to speak like a lecturer with this mental health.

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you dont have to.

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i just want to make sure you feel what i say

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thats it.

wise bane
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||I wish I was dead||

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How can I live anymore

amber berry
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Hey, your a amazing person please don't give up you already got so far

wise bane
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No I didn't get anywhere in life

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I'm always stuck in the same place, and with the same struggles

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All the friends that I made I ended up losing eventually. I literally have no one, and it's what I deserve

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But I don't want to live like this anymore

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I rather just die

amber berry
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No no no no you deserve a good loyal friend really your a good person

wise bane
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Thank you

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But I rather not talk, I just need to vent

scenic mural
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we were born as humans

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and our aim is to succeed.

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life is really hard sometimes..

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but its gonna be alright..

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everything is temporary.

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its not like its gonna be forever.

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just a little more.

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then happiness will arrive.

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dont lose your hope yet, just remember. the storm arrives, feels endless, but it does ends. same goes to life

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just a little more..

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and if you need help, theres always people out there to give you hand

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if you ever feel demotivated, ||suicidal||, sorrow, depressed, you can ask me, ill offer support without any judgement