A closed window▫️ | Huddle | Page 1

void sluice Sep 24, 2025, 7:17 PM

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I don't have much time, it's pointless to stress. I'll do nothing either way.🔹

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I can't breathe properly. That thing in my chest, is it my heart?🔹

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We are chained by every decision. Lack of decision is a chain on its own.▫️

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Why can't I just do it?!🔻

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Again, it's pointless🔻

void sluice Sep 24, 2025, 7:51 PM

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It wasn't easy, I feel stupid. I did the right thing. Now is the harder part.🔸

brittle niche Sep 24, 2025, 9:39 PM

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void sluice I can't breathe properly. That thing in my chest, is it my heart?🔹

It is if you think it is. The heart is a beautiful thing. No matter what or who you are, it is. And your heart reflects what you look like.

void sluice Sep 24, 2025, 10:33 PM

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I did it, it was stressful, but I finally did it, I can't say I'm proud of myself, but it could have gone worse.🔸

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I don't know if they'll accept what I sent, I was late. My answers were false, for now.🔻

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To make my answers true I'll have to work harder than I've ever worked before, knowing myself, I know it will be impossible, I know I will fall to pressure again. I know I'm not strong enough, not now.🔻

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But I must, I have no choice.🔻

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A lack of decision forced a decision upon me.🔹

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Again, I got chained.🔻

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What I just did could have such an impact on my entire life. I can't screw up, not again🔻

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My parents are mad at me for not doing this earlier, going late, my chances decreased.🔻

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They worked so hard to give me this opportunity, an opportunity I never chose myself.🔻

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My brother came to help me, although he was with friends. I thank him a lot. He told me I can't screw up. I know I can't.🔻

void sluice Sep 24, 2025, 11:22 PM

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Time moves so fast, flows all around me, taking me with its current. I clutch myself, a fragile anchor, in its endless rush. Instead of swimming to its edges, I'm left tucked in the flow, soon a waterfall will come, or perhaps I'm already mid-fall.▫️

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It seems like I'm always trapped, no matter what I do, all the decisions are made for me.🔻

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Maybe we are all trapped at the end of the day, I want to free myself.🔹

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First they tell me I need to do one thing, if I would be able to do that then my life will surely be a success.🔹

brittle niche Sep 24, 2025, 11:31 PM

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void sluice Maybe we are all trapped at the end of the day, I want to free myself.🔹

Hey. I feel the same way.

void sluice Sep 24, 2025, 11:33 PM

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void sluice First they tell me I need to do one thing, if I would be able to do that then my...

Then they tell me I must do that second thing, and the third, the fourth, I don't want to lose all the work I've already done, I keep going. They tell me my life is hard now, it will all soon be better.🔹

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Liars.🔻

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In an attempt to keep all my windows open, I closed them all.🔻 🔹

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They think I'm smart. They are wrong again. I am the most idiotic person in the world!🔻

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From this point forward it will all get even tougher as I approach the next step. From this point forward there's no going back. I am chained to this road. Whatever happy life I could have lived, I must leave it all behind.🔻

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I'm so tired of it all.🔻

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I want to rest, I want to have a genuine rest. just lying in my bed, looking at the ceiling, let the comforting darkness loom closer. Thinking about whatever. There are no chains at that moment, all I need to do is rest. How fun. Tomorrow is going to be interesting.🔸

void sluice Sep 25, 2025, 9:18 AM

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I didn't rest. I'm too weak. 🔻

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The rain tapped on my window. The first rain in so long. It was the latest a night can be when I went out there. The streets were completely empty. It was nice, that feeling, I could go anywhere, the world was all mine. Thunder struck, the rain became bullets. I kept on. I met the shore, the waves splashed upon the rocks. I watched the dark sea, golden rain, screaming wind. It was beautiful.🔸

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I'm mad at myself for not going to sleep, but at least something good came out of it. I was the first to witness the rain.🔸

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I woke up early. The streets were flooded, the storm continued all the way through the night. I'm now back home. I have many things to do. I hope to make progress in any of them. I'm just so tired. Maybe I'll sleep first.🔸

void sluice Sep 25, 2025, 12:11 PM

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I woke up, the wind isn't banging on my window. The storm passed. The sun rules the sky again.🔸

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I need to learn three coding languages, reach an intermediate level in four different areas of coding, finish my physics project, prepare my AI project for presentation, make three more projects in the coding field, and make up for the huge gap I’ve created in school from not going much lately.🔹

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I have less than a month to do everything. 🔹

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The streets are dry again, if not for the drenched clothes from yesterday's night I could have thought the storm was all just a dream.🔸

void sluice Sep 25, 2025, 4:20 PM

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I finished learning all the basics of JavaScript. I'll continue learning Typescript/React later. I'm tired. I worked well till now.🔸

void sluice Sep 25, 2025, 7:21 PM

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I need to find motivation again.🔹

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It's all just a cycle. I can't control a thing. When will be the next time I fall?🔻

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That feeling of finally being productive, fighting for "your" goals. Enjoying life, being in the dark for so long, and then suddenly it seems like nothing ever happened. That everything is ok, a moment ago my entire world was broken.🔹

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The darkness will swallow my world again , I don't know when.🔻

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Weeks of being stranded, nothing feels right, can't do anything, self hate for I cannot do all the things I'm expecting from myself. So many empty days. They turn to dust, shrink to mere moments. Nothing.🔻

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And then suddenly, someday, I'm back to myself. I'm being good to everyone, I'm learning, I feel happy.🔹

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A burst of motivation.🔹

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It drains with time. Then I am back to nothing.🔻

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I don't control it.🔻

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I've been in these cycles for too long.🔻

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I have to hold on, especially now.🔹

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I found it.🔸

void sluice Sep 25, 2025, 8:54 PM

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I wish I had studied more today, I planned to finish learning websites today. I will have to do it tomorrow. It's stressful, but it keeps me alive.🔹

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It's late, I should go to sleep.🔸

void sluice Sep 26, 2025, 7:39 AM

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Loneliness is addictive.▪️

void sluice Sep 27, 2025, 7:53 AM

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My friends are calling, I won't answer. I know I'll feel better with them.. but maybe I don't want to feel better.🔻

void sluice Sep 27, 2025, 8:02 PM

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I wish I could restart.▪️

void sluice Sep 27, 2025, 10:30 PM

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I want to be a climber. I always look at high places and feel this strange pull to climb. I’ve climbed twice in climbing gyms, and it was so fun. I wish I could have gone more often.🔹

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I want to be a music producer. I always think of music and beats in my head. All the music equipment is in my room. I wish I could have started.🔹

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I want to be a game developer. I always create stories and characters and interactive worlds in my head. Game mechanics and boss fights. That's why I initially started coding. Now not anymore. I wish I could have created something.🔹

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I want to do crazy hiking journeys. Plan an adventure for three days, go explore with some friends. I love camping and hiking, that sense of freedom. I wish I could do that one day.🔹

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I don't even remember what I did today. I tried to learn "React" (website development), but I wasn't able to. Most of the time I'm on my phone. And when I'm not, I'm probably just staring at the ceiling in my room or going to sleep. Everything is so empty. I have no goal nor meaning. Nothing I do feels right. Why am I doing this to myself?🔻

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I've been like this for well over a year now.🔻

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I don't have a solution and I don't know if I ever will.🔻

void sluice Sep 28, 2025, 12:27 AM

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Oof. I can't sleep.🔻

void sluice Sep 28, 2025, 2:50 AM

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Tomorrow there's school and I have 0 hours of sleep. What is this life?🔻

void sluice Sep 28, 2025, 4:26 AM

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Today is going to be the first time in so long that I'll see my friends. It's a shame I would be completely tired all the time.🔹

void sluice Sep 28, 2025, 3:48 PM

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I had a good time at school, I don't know why I am always distancing myself from all of my friends, but school was nice, they were happy to see me.🔸

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I was happy to see them.🔸

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I went back home and slept a little. Woke up half an hour ago. Suddenly remembered I have project presentation. I opened my computer to start working only to realize that the presentation is really in Tuesday.🔹

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So now I don't know what to do. I'll probably end up wasting time.🔻

void sluice Sep 29, 2025, 10:20 AM

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I ended up wasting time yesterday. I now got home from school. I'm afraid of wasting time again.🔻

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I know what I want to do, I can probably make a schedule of the perfect week for myself. The thing is I'll probably end up not following it.🔻

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So what can I do?🔹

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I know we have a limited amount of will power (self control). We can't always be perfect, and resist temptations and addictions.🔹

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I'm trying to improve my will power, but I'm afraid I don't have enough will power in order to do that.🔹

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I'll try to plan the rest of my day and maybe be more productive than yesterday.🔹

void sluice Sep 29, 2025, 3:14 PM

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I seem to be unable to do anything.🔻

void sluice Sep 30, 2025, 3:43 PM

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A couple of good things that happened to me today:
🔸I was late to the bus as usual, as I was waiting for public transportation, two of my friends happened to pass by with a car. They were happy to see me and offered me a ride.
🔸 I'm never able to make myself food for school, I just take a tuna can and some frozen bread. My teacher told me to eat it outside the classroom. A dog came to my company and followed me all around because of the tuna. I gave him some. It was nice.
🔸 Two friends and I went to get some food at a break. They aren't really one of my core friends but our bond grew stronger. I respect them a lot. It was nice.
🔸 The positive psychology class today was good too.

void sluice Oct 1, 2025, 9:49 AM

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I can't help but hate myself.🔻

brittle niche Oct 2, 2025, 1:59 PM

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void sluice I can't help but hate myself.🔻

same here, buddy.

void sluice Oct 4, 2025, 3:50 PM

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I've had a couple of ok days, I did good in them, maybe it's another burst of motivation.🔸

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My mood in unstable. I could be pretty much ok in one moment and then just suddenly everything feels distant, everyone seem annoying, I just want to run away and be alone.
It's not right, the coldness that I treat people whom are close to me.🔻

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All my friends and families of my friends are meeting right now. I waited for this the entire day.🔹

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I just don't want to go anymore. There's no particular reason. Just like that, the thing in my chest stared to form and I just want to be alone.🔹

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My friends have been calling. I tell them I will come. I won't.🔻

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I feel kind of stupid and lost.🔹

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I want to be alone and sad.🔹

void sluice Oct 4, 2025, 4:38 PM

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They need to stop calling, that's annoying, I know they deep down hate me. Everybody does.🔻

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I want to be left alone. Forever.▪️

void sluice Oct 4, 2025, 6:21 PM

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I could have been everything. A music producer, a climber, a game developer, a hiker. Everything I wanted. 🔹

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I am nothing.🔻

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None of them know and probably none of them cares.🔻

void sluice Oct 5, 2025, 4:51 PM

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Apperantly I'm on a flight to greece in 4 hours.🔸

void sluice Oct 7, 2025, 8:41 PM

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Greece is fun, I wish we could walk faster while traveling.🔸

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I told them I could get to the top of the mountain near us in about an hour. They didn't believe me. I know I can, and I can picture the exact path I would take.🔸

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I just wanted them to tell me to prove it. I know they will never let me try such thing. But still, just for that little chance.🔹

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I kept staring at the top. I wanted to get there. I wanted to make this little adventure. I did much harder things, of course without my parents knowing.🔸

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Just doing it, going up there, to them it looks almost impossible, I can't understand them.🔸

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Or maybe I can.🔻

void sluice Oct 9, 2025, 7:38 PM

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I don't want to live a life without a goal, it seems empty. Each day stands on its own, marks another cycle in this loop.🔹

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I have goals. But I think that it would be smarter to put them aside for now, there are many things I need to take care of, not to mention I first need to fix myself, my addictions, self hatred, self isolation and all those sorts of things.🔹

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Or maybe I used to think that. But as I kept trying to get better, I started to understand that I can't. I don't make much progress, and my condition gets worse.🔹

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I don't want to continue waiting for a day that may never come. I'll never know when this is over. I'm unstable. A scar will remain.🔹

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Broken, we must begin our journey, for the path will heal us.▫️

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There's no point in waiting any longer. There was never a point.🔸

void sluice Oct 13, 2025, 2:57 AM

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On the last day of the vacation I woke up early and walked up the mountain. The view was beautiful.🔸

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My parents know something is wrong. They should know. They saw me being up in my room for full days. Yet they never walked up the stairs to talk to me.🔹

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They have their own problems to take care of. I'm not a kid anymore, I'll need to do it on my own.🔹

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Alone. I'm always alone. I need to start meeting with my friends again.🔹

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I'll never tell them about this, but it's still fun being with them.🔹

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Not that they will care if I did tell them. They have there own problems too.🔹

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I always have tasks, assignments and things to take care of. I don't remember having nothing to do. As long as I have an assignment sitting on my shoulder it's hard for me to meet up with anyone. I always feel like finishing the task should be my priority. Yet I never finish the task. And I never meet my friends.🔻

void sluice Oct 13, 2025, 5:32 PM

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I finally decided to start learning to drive, I postponed it for way too long.🔸

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Tomorrow I want to go climb! I'll learn coding things on the way to the climbing gym.🔸

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Most of my assignment are finished.🔸

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Today was nice.🔸

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People flooded the streets, happy faces everywhere. Everyone were pinned to the news. Today was a holiday. The war is finally over.🔸

void sluice Oct 14, 2025, 8:05 AM

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I still need to fix my sleep.🔹

void sluice Oct 14, 2025, 11:31 AM

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The climbing gym is closed for today. i'll go on a hike instead.🔸

void sluice Oct 14, 2025, 11:47 AM

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There's no public transportation today. And every inch of my local area I've explored already.🔹

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I have no more assignments. There's nothing left to do.🔹

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I don't feel like learning to code right now. All my plans are gone. There's only one thing left to do.. I have to meet up with my friends.🔹

void sluice Oct 14, 2025, 12:45 PM

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My friends aren't picking up, maybe they get back at me for all the times I didn't pick up to them. That's fair. My bike is busted, so that option is also for the trash. I don't know what to do.🔻

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Falling to bad habits is tempting.🔻

void sluice Oct 14, 2025, 2:45 PM

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I fell for bad habits. I wasted 2 hours. Is my will-power draining? Will I soon get back to my normal sad life, waiting for the next wave of motivation? Every tiny misstep can make me fall in a downward spiral. I've been in these cycles for way too long. Every time I somehow get fooled again into believing this is soon over. I'm simply addicted.
I want help from a professional, I tried to fight this on my own for years, I just can't. But getting professional help means telling my parents about my situation. I won't do that ever. They probably already know, they just don't care. And that's good, they shouldn't care. I need to do this on my own, I just yet to figure out how.🔻

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My friend's calling back, but that's too late, the day is already ruined. The thing in my chest is back, I know it's piling stress, I want to rip it from my body. I need to relax.🔻

void sluice Oct 14, 2025, 3:06 PM

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Basically it's a 2d shooter game, where you need to shoot birds. It starts off pretty slow, just shooting down birds, but as the game continues the story unravels. Massive amounts of birds taking over the world, no one knows how or why. They destroy cities, they ruin agriculture, they seem to get smarter. You are playing as a hunter, one of the last hopes for humanity. The hunters fight the birds and bring back land to the humans. Unnatural things start to happen, the protagonist starts to have hallucinations. The birds make coordinated attacks showing off they are very tactical. God is giving up on the humans, they decided to choose the birds instead.
I don't know exactly the details of the story, but it keeps building in my head. I want to create this game, but I have no experience and no material to make it. But it's fun to think about it.. potential boss fights, plot twists, music I could make for the game..🔸

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Being a game developer is the dream that got me into coding. Now I code for boring projects and programs that are supposed to insure me a spot in a boring coding office working for some boring company in the future.🔻

void sluice Oct 16, 2025, 5:54 AM

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Yesterday my friends invited me over, I was neevous at first, I didn't see them in so long. We had so much fun. We also played tennis, which was my first time and I really enjoyed it.
I seem to forget how much fun I have with my friends. I hope to not forget again.🔸

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Also, we are going on a two days camping today. I don't know how that happened. It will be fun.🔸

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I got my test results back. I thought I'd get around 550, I barely studied for that test (addictions and time wasting, and other assignments I had), I started to study 3 days before the exam, most people start to study two months before. I also had to go to the restroom immediately at the start of the exam, held it in for a couple chapters until I had the time to go. And also poorly slept before. So yeah I didn't expect much.🔹

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That's why I was surprised to get 700, a really good result. My sister is mad at me, she studied a lot more, she deserved a better score. I honestly didn't care about those results, everyone kept asking me all the time how much I got and I didn't have the results yet. Everybody believe I'm so smart, I just want to stay like that in their eyes, I was nervous from getting a bad score. but than I remembered all the dreams I have and the things that really makes me who I am, and I just opened the file expecting for anything, for the first time I genuinely didn't care.🔸

void sluice Oct 16, 2025, 2:49 PM

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We are driving to the camping site, gonna be five friends, it would be fun. Just relax.🔸

void sluice Oct 18, 2025, 6:48 PM

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The camping was great, I had a lot of fun with my friends. We came back yesterday.🔸

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Today was terrible. Some other friends and I planned a hike, but the friend who was supposed to drive him and I there, thought I was going with another friend and they ended up going without me.🔻

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I know that wasn't intentional. They are my friends, and they wouldn't invite me to that just to ditch me.
But still. It hurt. I don't know why.🔻

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My friend told me I'm the only one in our group that everyone consider one of their closest friends. It's weird. How can I be one of their closest friends and barely see them?🔻

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I think my friends like me, I really do. But I just don't believe it. I think it, I don't believe it.🔻

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In the camping yesterday I ate a kiwi. A friend told me I look like I'm suffering while eating it. He tends to say that when I eat something he doesn't like (he doesn't like almost everything).
Maybe that's what's happening.
I hate myself, so in my head, others must hate me too.🔻

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I went on to waste the entire day, addictions help me when I'm sad. They are not erasing my sadness, just postponing it for later, leaving me empty for a while, until everything comes back with a little extra sadness as interest, from realizing I fell again.🔻

void sluice Oct 19, 2025, 4:51 AM

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The bus to school is already gone, I'm still in my bed.🔻

void sluice Oct 19, 2025, 7:26 AM

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I am hungry, yet I don't eat. I am thirsty, yet I don't drink. What am I?🔻

void sluice Oct 19, 2025, 12:33 PM

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Another friend and I met yesterday, we talked a lot about the friend group and how it's collapsing. He also asked me about that girl I was once talking about with him.🔹

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She has green eyes and a perfect smile, more than she is beautiful she is smart. She is so nice to everyone.🔸

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That friend I was talking to, let's call him Jasper. Jasper recently got a new girlfriend. He told me to go message the girl I was talking about. I was nervous, I don't have any experience with that.🔹

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I was the realest I've ever been with any of my friends and told him I don't see how or why she would ever want to be with me. I don't think there's anything for her to earn from a relationship with me.
He told me all the girls in the friend group once had a crush on me. And he told me some more compliments that I don't see true.🔹

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He convinced me to message her. And so I did. She is ghosting me for like 10 hours with every message. After her next message I'll just end that conversation with ; "ok nice to know, wish you goodluck with that." Or something like that.🔹

void sluice Oct 19, 2025, 2:34 PM

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That hurt a little.🔻

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When I think of my future or like my dream life - I'm developing games, I hike all over the world and I climb mountains. There are many versions of that dream life, but one thing that never changes is that in all of them I'm all alone.🔹

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I just realized that I met Jasper two days ago, not yesterday. Time moves faster now. I need to adjust my perception.🔻

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Since that meeting I haven't seen nor talked to any of my friends. I was just alone. I barely talk to my family and when I do it's just a quick 10 seconds small talk.🔹

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All I ate today was a mango. I didn't drink at all.🔻

void sluice Oct 19, 2025, 6:35 PM

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She messaged me back after 24 hours, she started off by appolazing for the late response and saying she had a long day.
I had a very short day.
I simply don't want to talk to her anymore.
I'm doing her a favor.🔻

void sluice Oct 20, 2025, 3:58 AM

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Wow
48 hours
Turned into dust
Will this day be the same?
🔻

void sluice Oct 20, 2025, 4:21 AM

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I dreamt that I'm trying to solve a Rubik's cube that all its tiles are black, I don't know what I was trying to solve to be honest.🔹

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I don't want to go to school today. I don't want to do anything.
But I have to.
I feel sick and weak.
Maybe from the lack of water and food.🔻

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this part of the motivation cycle ranges from a couple of days to weeks. I want to make it short. I want to end it today.
I'll try to plan my day, and act accordingly.🔹

void sluice Oct 20, 2025, 4:16 PM

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I cannot believe it, I have three weeks to finish learning all the coding stuff! I didn't learn anything for so long like a damn idiot and now I'll need to stress myself through all the material.
Or I'll not get accepted.
I hate myself. I hate myself. IHATEMYSELF!🔻

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I have to much to learn, I don't know if that's possible.🔻

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I don't have time for a mental breakdown. I need to start working.🔹

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I'll never be happy, I know I won't. That's ok. That's ok.🔹

void sluice Oct 21, 2025, 3:56 AM

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20 days left

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I don't know if I can do this, but I might as well try.🔹

void sluice Oct 21, 2025, 2:06 PM

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First time driving, it was really cool.🔸

void sluice Oct 21, 2025, 5:38 PM

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Good things that happened to me today:
🔸I got a good score in gym class.
🔸I talked a lot with a new friend. He is a very good person, we have similar friend circles. We have known each other for a long time but only today it sorta clicked.
🔸 I've done my first driving lesson, it was super fun. A little bit scary too.
🔸 Today was better.

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I need to learn a lot of coding stuff, but I just can't find the Will - power. I don't know why I can't start. I don't have a lot of time, that adds to the stress. I need to figure out how to do this.🔹

void sluice Oct 21, 2025, 6:40 PM

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If I manage to learn everything, get good grades, get a good coding job, will I be happy?
I'm usually not happy now. I believe there's a lot to improve in my life; more social life, more sleep, more time for hobbies, decrease addictions and more..
My final goal is acheiving this life, a life where I climb, create music, create games, worlds, stories, meet friends, sleep better..
Is learning all that material, signing for a 6 years coding job commitment, really helps me with my goals?
Sure, it's supposed to be the best job ever, and after those 6 years all the Hi-Tech companies supposed to fight over the people who finished those 6 years, but I never aimed towards working in any of those companies.
Maybe I ended up chasing a life other people chose for me, I ended up chasing a life other people thought will be good for me.
I know better than them, they might not understand my decisions, but I'm the only one who needs to understand them.
I worked so much for a future I don't want.
I have time to turn the wheel.🔹

void sluice Oct 22, 2025, 5:24 AM

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19 days left

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I woke up late, there's soon a public transportation bus, I don't have time.🔹

void sluice Oct 22, 2025, 4:23 PM

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Assignments are piling, the work is growing, deadline's approaching, stress is skyrocketing.🔻

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There's another thing I need to take care of, to achieve a better life. But this thing I'm sure I can't get on my own, I need professional help in order to get rid of it.🔹

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Years of being mostly alone have an effect. I used to have zero friends, when I was younger. I remember those days, as a child, I'd look outside the window, seeing people go by, with their friends, or families.. and I'd cry. I cried a lot. Nowadays I barely cry. Everything is just piling in my chest.
I've been alone a lot, I jumped up a class in the middle of the year, and had been struggling to find friends at the new grade.🔻

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I jumped a class in second grade, that part of my life was horrible.
Things got better in sixth grade, when my friend group had been built. I think it started with the Pokemon Go app, we used to meet up and go around catching pokemons. But it grew to something way bigger than that. We met a lot, every single day, there are 10 friends at this group, I consider them my best friends, even if that group is no longer what it was.
The Pokemon Go era faded within a year, but our friendship only grew stronger, we met up and did so many things together. I finally felt good.🔸

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We grew a little apart with time, I've stayed friends with everyone, but many aren't as good with each other. There were many fights in the group, I wasn't involved in any of them. The group has been broken into many subgroups within the big group.🔹

#

They are all still my best friends, but my best friends and I used to be better friends.🔹

#

The fall of the group isn't the reason for my situation, I was lonely even when the group was fine. The addictions made me come less to meet ups.
But the group not being the same as it was does have an effect.🔹

void sluice Oct 22, 2025, 5:07 PM

#

void sluice There's another thing I need to take care of, to achieve a better life. But this...

I forgot to talk about the thing I can't get rid of on my own. I'll write it later.🔹

void sluice Oct 23, 2025, 4:28 AM

#

18 days left

#

No progress is made, I know how it's going to work. I'm not going to learn anything until 3 days before the interview date, and then in these 3 days I'm going to be full of stress and study from morning to the middle of the night.🔻

#

I'm just not doing anything until the deadline is really close.🔻

#

How can I make zero progress in so long.🔻

void sluice Oct 24, 2025, 7:05 AM

#

17 days left

#

Time is so fast, 3 days already gone by, I didn't make any progress.🔹

void sluice Oct 25, 2025, 4:19 AM

#

16 days left

#

I'm scared.▪️

void sluice Oct 25, 2025, 8:59 PM

#

Today I went on a hike with a good book, I believe that fixed my mind a little bit.
I made some good progress today. I'm very harsh on myself for not living up to my own expectations.
I need to accept my mistakes and try to move forward.
Try to stay relaxed.
Today was a great day.🔸

void sluice Oct 27, 2025, 1:54 PM

#

14 days left

#

These past couple of days I have done a great job, I finished in 2 and a half days all the learning part of the Windows operating system.🔸

#

I'm now starting to learn high level programming.🔹

#

There are many arguments in my family surrounding my upcoming job.🔹

#

Everyone has to be in the army. And soon my duty comes. My parents want me to go to a high level coding job for 6 years. My grandparents tell me to go to an army program of 10 years that gives my high level coding job, and 2 degrees in coding or AI.
My brother wants me to go to the coding job he is in (6 years).
My sister tells me to do the minimal duty time (3 years) and be in a minimal job such as an army driver or simple office job and so on..🔹

#

Every job has its advantages for my future, every job has its own time sentence in which I have to stay at that job with not much of an option to leave.
If I choose a 6 year job, I'm locked in the army for 6 years. There's a lot to think about.
I'm just trying to keep all my windows open, I'll choose later.🔹

void sluice Oct 27, 2025, 5:40 PM

#

Of course there's another option, but no one likes to talk about that. The army choose mostly for me, I can only show my preference to it.
They can put me in the frontlines if they want.🔹

void sluice Oct 27, 2025, 9:45 PM

#

My brother wants me to learn everything till friday. That's insane! Of course I didn't say no. I'll have to learn everything in three days. I need to work 5 times faster.
I won't come to school tomorrow.🔹

#

Will that even be possible, I seem to always be pushed to the edge of my capabilities.
I need every bit of will-power I have for tomorrow, there needs to be no slack off.🔹

#

My brother wants what's best for me, I need to remember this.🔸

#

I worked well today.🔸

void sluice Oct 28, 2025, 6:30 AM

#

13 days left

#

I have to do this.🔹

void sluice Oct 28, 2025, 7:49 PM

#

I'm tired.
So so tired.
I learned a lot today, too much.
But I have to.
Maybe tomorrow I won't go to school too.
So I could learn.
I need to learn.
I need to learn more.🔹

#

I'm tired.🔹

#

The information I have now is useful. Even if I decide to follow my dream and become a game developer and even if I decide to throw away my life and work in an office job.
It's so useful.
And I'm so tired.
I need to learn more.🔹

#

Thoughts are scattered, just as always. I can't control my own thoughts even if I want to. That is really my biggest problem.
I need to gain control over own head, so it won't run away.🔹

#

I know I am blessed. Even if I don't want to acknowledge that sometimes. There are people that can only dream to do what I do.
To learn so much in such little time.
My sister is mad at me.
She is not as smart as my brother and I, the elders of my family tend to remind her that often.
They tell me I am gifted.
Maybe.
And maybe I'm cursed.🔹

#

I'm so full of myself. I believe I can do everything.
That's why I always take on myself all those impossible tasks.
They believe I can do this, I believe I can do this.
But it takes a toll on me.🔹

#

I'm so tired.
But I won't rest.
I can't rest.🔻

brittle niche Oct 28, 2025, 8:05 PM

#

void sluice I'm so tired. But I won't rest. I can't rest.🔻

I'm sorry.

void sluice Oct 29, 2025, 11:56 PM

#

12 days left

#

it's the middle of the night, I need my room to be organized till tomorrow morning. I can't find the power. learning all day long drains me. I can't sleep until I organize, I won't. so, I just write here.🔹

#

I barely had any social interaction in the last two days. I haven't stepped outside. I was learning. I learned a lot. I have like 40 topics to go over out of the 75 I had. I did 35 already. at this pace, in about 2 days from now I will be free.
just thinking of that moment makes me smile, finally feeling the sun on my skin, the calm wind whispers and caressing. I want to be in that moment.🔹

#

2 weeks to learn a full program that takes usually 2 years, and I'm actually going to finish it in 5 days. well of course I won't have the experience of 2 years, but I would have all the knowledge I need. for now.
I know how it works. It won't be over at this, they will ask for more, and of course I would deliver. It's just a matter of time until I'll get thrown into this prison again.🔻

#

I believe I'm smart in some places but really stupid in others. a full blown smart human won't get locked up for life. I can't do everything on my own. But it's not like I have a choice.🔻

#

I never thought clearly about my state for more than 20 minutes. I can't. my own mind won't let me do that. When I'm alone my mind is scattered everywhere, I'm being lost in false realities I make up in my own head. Sometimes I'm a successful game developer, sometimes I'm a famous hiker that goes around the whole world, sometimes I'm a music developer, a coding scientist, climber, book author, politician and what not.
I would have make up conversations with people whom I know. These conversations would be more about me, in a lot of these realities they ask me how am I doing, they ask me if I need help. I always tell them no. they keep asking.
all those realities put me in the center of attention. attention. If you would ask any of the people who know me, none of them will tell you I'm an attention seeker, quite the opposite, they'll say I'm more calm and quiet usually.
They are wrong, I crave for attention. From a young age I was so alone. I believe I got a little crazy from all those years of solitude. This scattered mind is a way for my subconscious to provide me the attention I don't get.
Now days I have friends. But I don't need them anymore, social interactions with them I have in my own head.
That's a little insane, I know.▪️

#

Even my previous diary, I wrote it on my own computer in a word file. no one has access to it. But still I always wrote in it like there are audience of readers. I talked to them. I imagined an audience that reads my diary.
I make this diary probably for attention too.
I can't do anything without this audience in my head haunting me.🔻

#

Sometimes when I'm alone, I don't act like myself, sometimes I act like I'm an actor playing my own life. I would shove the mirror aside when I'm sad as if I don't want to look at my own reflection because that might be a dramatic moment in a movie about a depressed human. I don't care looking at my own reflection, but for the movie I do that, for the audience.▪️

#

This state of mind only happens when I'm alone. I'm usually alone.🔻

#

I'm sorry Ann for missing your birthday, I hope it didn't hurt her. If only she had known what I'm going through. She can return the favor in my own birthday, I don't mind being alone.🔻

#

I need to organize my room.🔹

#

in two days I'll be free.🔸

void sluice Oct 30, 2025, 8:59 PM

#

I had a bad day, but that's to be expected. I have to learn networks and security, the only parts left. I think it would take me more than a day.🔹

#

I feel sick. My productivity decreases with each day. I guess I can't lock myself away learning for 3 days straight. I need a break.🔹

void sluice Oct 31, 2025, 4:04 PM

#

11 days left

#

This day was supposed to be a break, but addictions took over it.
That's ok, I don't need a break.🔻

void sluice Nov 1, 2025, 1:50 PM

#

10 days left

#

I'm not productive. I'm going to fail. I'll go to sleep, maybe I'll wake up different.🔻

void sluice Nov 1, 2025, 4:16 PM

#

I woke up an hour ago, than realized I had to take my neighbor's dog for a walk 2 hours ago. I went there, apologized and took the dog for a free walk.
That walk was the first time I got out of my home in like 4/5 days.🔹

#

I feel like shit.🔻

void sluice Nov 1, 2025, 10:23 PM

#

I went to my friend's surprise birthday party, at the start I thought about not coming, I don't know what changed my mind.
I enjoyed it a lot.
I feel way better.🔸

#

My problems are linked to each other like a big web, one problem leads/amplifies other problems.
Addictions lead to stress and loneliness, loneliness leads to addictions, stress leads to loneliness and addictions.
And everything leads to my "audience" thing, and the audience leads to the other problems in a way.
My strategy so far was trying to fight addictions, in hope that it will decrease the others. But addictions always won so far.
Maybe I need to try fighting the other problems in hope that weakening them will weaken my addictions problem to a level I can win.
Or maybe I need to tackle all my problems at the same time, but it seems impossible.🔹

#

I'll try to concentrate on my loneliness problem. Maybe this will be the solution.
I'll try.🔸

void sluice Nov 2, 2025, 9:11 PM

#

9 days left

#

I've been pretty social today, There was still a lot of time I wasted today. It seems that I'm productive while I'm being social, but how can I work and learn while being with people at the same time?🔹

#

I got to a philosophical argument with a new close friend.
We talked about why we exist, I told him we exist because of evolution, there's no reason in plane science, reason was created by biologic machines in order to survive.🔸

#

He didn't seem convinced, he asked me what's preventing me from simply killing myself if there's no reason.
I told him that scientifically there's no answer to whether I should be alive or not, if both sides are equel, I'll simply go with my biology, live and try to be happy as my inner code instructs me to be.🔸

#

He was still not convinced, I asked him why he exists. He told me that he feels like he has a purpose, things he loves to do and to be that keeps him being. He told me that in times where he feels like he doesn't have those things anymore, he keeps existing for the hope that he will eventually have the reasons.
A man that kills himself is a man that lost that hope.🔹

#

I think we are both correct.
I felt many times that I am at the bottom of an hopeless pit and that I have no way out of my problems.
But there's still that chance that I'll eventually reach my goals.
That keeps me going.🔸

void sluice Nov 3, 2025, 8:33 PM

#

8 days left

#

How can addictions be so effective?
I feel like the entire world is falling apart, and in one moment all that feeling goes away, with all my other feelings too.
Empty. I crave emptiness.🔻

void sluice Nov 4, 2025, 6:20 AM

#

7 days left

#

My tiredness is gone too, which makes me come late to school.🔻

void sluice Nov 4, 2025, 9:53 PM

#

I don't see myself succeeding, not in this state. Every direction I look, it seems that I'm imprisoned.
I just need to choose the future that is the least bad.🔻

#

And now I need to sleep, I need to wake up very early tomorrow. But I don't want to sleep, even though I'm tired. Now I'm stressed about sleeping. How can I sleep now?🔻

void sluice Nov 7, 2025, 6:23 PM

#

4 days left

void sluice Nov 7, 2025, 6:43 PM

#

I barely have time to write here. Addictions and tasks, the combination of them, it's time consuming. It always took a toll on me. Now the amount of tasks are 10 times what I used to have. Addictions are static, I have to spare time to them. There's no time left for me.
What would life look like in 4 days from now? Would it be any different?
Maybe when I'll have more time, addictions will expend.
When I'm on my own, not dealing with addictions, the audience takes over my mind.
Either if it's tasks, addictions, audience or stress, I don't have time for myself. Or maybe those things are what I have become.
I don't have time to start writing here about everything, I'm going through.
It shouldn't matter to me. Writing here doesn't give me anything. It's just offers a break from tasks. Like addictions.
This place gives me an excuse to stop working. I don't want to finish my writing, I don't want to go back to work. But I have to.
Addictions or work, it doesn't matter, they are all the same, there's nothing left of me anymore, there's nothing left of my time.
4 days from now, nothing will change.
This is what I am.🔻

#

Now I'll continue to work.🔻

void sluice Nov 7, 2025, 11:00 PM

#

I finished all the network topics in one day.🔻

#

I'm tired. It's more than enough for today.🔻

void sluice Nov 8, 2025, 9:27 AM

#

3 days left

#

We were wrong. The test is different, I've trained for something else. All this time learning.. I can't even begin to process this information.🔻

#

I still have time to correct myself, train for the test I'm going to have. Those two tests are similar. What I've learned for the false test is going to help me in the real test. But still, if I've known the real test sooner I could learn more accurately.
well, it doesn't matter anymore, I have three days. I'm going to make the most of them.🔹

#

I'm not even sure if I want to pass that test, but I work for it like it's my life's destiny.
I need a miracle to pass this thing.🔻

void sluice Nov 8, 2025, 8:48 PM

#

I feel sick.🔻

#

I didn't make much progress today, maybe because of the stress.🔻

#

I'm just waiting for it to be over.🔻

#

I'll tell my parents I'm going on a hike with some friends. I'll take my hiking bag, in it my sleeping bag, some food, and other items.
I'll bury my phone in the woods.
And then I'll be free. Just for a couple of days, just a taste of true freedom.
I'll travel all over my country, no need to plan ahead, I'll use public transportation.
I'll hike and explore, all alone on my own.
Eventually I'll get back to this life, I'll take my phone back from the woods and return home knowing what freedom is.🔸

#

I need to think of a better way to make sure my parents won't worry.
Maybe I'll tell them there's no internet where "my friends" and I are travelling.
Or maybe I'll send them a message that my phone is going to die, and if there's any problem I'll call them through my friend's phone, and only then I'll bury my phone.🔹

#

I don't know.. I'm tired. Tired of this life. I want to sleep.🔹

void sluice Nov 9, 2025, 12:59 PM

#

2 days left

#

I always have a lot of tasks. I can't do what I really want to do because each time I have a task by my logic I should finish it first and then do my hobbies. But no matter how little tasks I have, I still have addictions. When I don't have many tasks, my brain simply assumes I have a lot of free time so I'll be drawn to addictions more often until those small tasks become bigger and scarier as their deadline's approaching. So I never do what I want to do, maybe addictions is I want to do.🔻

#

A couple of minutes ago I realized I have a presentation to finish until a hour and a half from now. I won't have the time to finish it properly. Since I have already done addictions all morning I couldn't do them anymore because they become boring. So I came here to relieve the stress. Of course the best response I should have is to start working on the presentation. But I just don't want to, it seems stressful. And I already have so much to do.
Two days from now I'm going to have my computer test, I don't feel ready.
All those deadlines.🔻

#

I want to run away right now. Just ditch the whole presentation and test. Just leave. But I'm not brave enough. And I can't find the strength to start working, not under this pressure. So that's it. I'll just stay here. I feel awful. But I have no escape.🔻

void sluice Nov 9, 2025, 1:28 PM

#

I called the army. They agreed to postpone my test in two days after I basically begged them.🔻

#

4 days left*

#

I don't know if it wasn't a mistake, because now I need to stay in prison for two more days. and I still have to present my AI project presentation in a hour and a half.🔻

#

How can I do the most logical thing, and start working already? I don't know how to do that.🔻

#

I just managed to complete two sides together on the Rubik's cube, I still don't know how to solve it but I'll keep trying. Playing with it helps me relieve some stress. The presentation's deadlines is still getting closer.🔹

void sluice Nov 9, 2025, 5:37 PM

#

I want to end this day already, I want to sleep.🔻

void sluice Nov 12, 2025, 12:21 AM

#

1 day left

void sluice Nov 12, 2025, 6:11 PM

#

1 day left.🔻

#

That day is almost over.🔹

#

If I had studied properly maybe I would have had a chance. But I didn't.
I'm going up against people who have been in the field for over 3 years.
I started studying a month ago.
Still, I think I acquried a lot of knowledge, but not nearly enough compared to what I could have learn if I studied properly.
I try not to blame myself, I'm mentally unstable and suffer from addictions and stress I need to reduce my self-expectations.
Beyond just writing it here, I need to truly understand that in my current state I can't do much.
It's hard to learn 74 new subjects while being in school in less than a month while battling with all my internal problems.
Even now I'm afraid of starting to go over the metarial for tomorrow.
I stressed myself so hard to learn until finally I closed myself away in this bubble.
I didn't study for over 3 days.
Again, I try not to blame myself..🔹

#

Being alone all my childhood made me resolve my loneliness with screens and social medias. Yes, that is my addiction, screens. It sounds pathetic even saying that.
No alcohol or drugs, just my phone, that's what is killing me.
So many forgotten days.
My time is being taken as a joke.🔻

#

I try not to blame myself..🔻

#

I just want to be free from it all. From all this stress, scary tasks, addictions..
But I can't, no matter how much I try.🔻

#

I have friends now, unlike the past me. But I'm distancing myself from them. Seems like loneliness became my way of living.🔻

#

I don't want to stop writing, because then I won't have a reason to not learn.
But I didn't learn at all today, so why can't I just stop being a lazy peice of shit?🔻

#

I try not to blame myself. And I fail.▪️

void sluice Nov 13, 2025, 5:59 AM

#

I'm soon going to enter the test.🔹

void sluice Nov 13, 2025, 4:53 PM

#

It was a long white hall, they assigned us with numbers and led us to the testing rooms. They told us about the tests and the job that was offered. 6 years. Once you agree there's no going back.
I'll first see if I get accepted, then I'll solve this dilemma.🔹

#

I can't discuss what was in the tests but I think I did ok. Compared to the time I had to learn I feel like I did well.
All the others seem to have a lot of experience in the development field.
I asked a couple if they learned coding through one of the programs. They laughed and told me they don't need programs to teach them code, they do coding since 10 years old.🔹

#

I don't know what my chances are. But at least I have a lot of usable knowledge in my hand.🔹

#

We were so alike. We’re all so caught up in ourselves.
We speak as if the answers were born with us.
We all want to believe we’re intelligent - perhaps it’s the only trait we have left to take pride in.🔹

#

It's over.🔸

#

For now, at least.🔹

#

Am I free now?🔹

void sluice Nov 16, 2025, 6:03 PM

#

I've been resting for a couple of days, I went to surf, met friends. It's been good. I feel happy. 🟢

#

Not everything is ok, but it's better.🔸

#

Still there's the fear of returning to 4 day ago.
I know it's eventually will happen, it always does.
I'll try to focus on enjoying the time I'm having now.🔸

void sluice Nov 17, 2025, 3:42 PM

#

🔹 AI project
🔹 Physics assignment
🔹 Practice to mathematics test
🔹 Civics assignment
🔹 Army files

#

I rested enough, I need to continue working before the assignments pile up.🔸

void sluice Nov 18, 2025, 4:55 PM

#

Is nothing a thing? I mean the concept of nothing is a thing, but true nothingness, something we can't even talk about?
What is true nothingness? Is it exists?🔹

#

nothing - "not a thing", maybe it's that much straight forward.🔹

#

Am I supposed to believe in a god that will send my friends to eternal suffering? Am I supposed to believe they deserve it?
He is endless good, maybe he knows better than me, maybe hell is good in ways that I just can't think of.
What is goodness anyways? We are all just particles moving through space. Or maybe there's more?
A dead man is just particles arranged in a different pattern then an alive one.
Is one pattern better than the other?
In what ways does it better?
How can we evaluate goodness?🔹

#

Am I supposed to believe that the only reason I don't jump off a building is because a certain pattern in my brain that prevents me from doing so?🔹

#

Pattens that were built through years of evolution. Inner code.
Some AI models work similarly. They adapt there inner code through process of evolution.
In how much time would humanity build a process of evolution that is better and more efficient than the real one? Maybe we already reached that point.
How much time we have until we would create something that could replace us?
Maybe even better.
Are we already at that point?🔹

#

Is a human better then a robot? If they have the same pattern of particles, if they act the same? Why would one be better?🔹

#

These are just some thoughts I had while getting an haircut.🔹

void sluice Nov 18, 2025, 8:06 PM

#

Yesterday and today were bad. I'm not going to give up. I will solve this problem.
I had a long stressful time before the code development army tests.
Maybe those couple of good days I had were just a relief after the tests ended.
But relief isn't a long term solution.
It fades. And leaves me to rot again.🔹

#

One method that helped me in the past is a schedule. I still need to make some adjustments to it.
There are a couple of problems with it:

I forget it.
I forget to make it.
I end up not following it (addictions and what not).
Once I get just a little out of the loop it's hard to come back.
lack of freedom, chained to a schedule.
🔹

#

For the first and second problem I'd put reminders and maybe code something on my phone that will help, still not sure what.🔹

#

The forth problem could be solved by making the schedule more flexible, even If I get out of the loop, I can always come back to the schedule and change some things to adapt to the time I have.🔹

#

Fifth problem can be decreased by making parallel schedules, each time I could choose from a couple of options what I'm going to do instead of one.
I can't grant complete freedom to myself, because doing so, would get me chained by some addiction.🔹

#

To the third problem I have no solution yet.
Nothing stops me at any given moment to just ditch the schedule.
I kinda need to just trust myself. But I know I can't.
I thought about giving myself some kind of a reward for sticking to my schedule. But nothing stops me from just taking it on my own without completing anything.
I need an external assistance.
I can't use any of my friends or family because that will mean needing to explain my situation to them. I will never do that.
So that leaves me with code yet again.
I need to code some kind of algorithm, I can't change easily, that will punish me if I fail or reward me if I succeed in following the schedule.
I don't know yet how to make it so that I can't delete or change it easily. I need to think about it some more.🔹

void sluice Nov 18, 2025, 10:31 PM

#

My younger brother soon celebrates 13 years old, in judaism it's called "bar mitzvah", it's a very big event.
Alike everyone else in my life, we have been distant lately.
I'm cold towards him.
Growing up we used to play a game I created called "Monster Touch", it's some kind of a DND adventure but instead of rolling dices you actually engage in real life combat.
Every monster has certain types of attacks and every attack has a certain way to dodge it.
I didn't have friends back then, my older brother didn't want anything to do with me, my older sister wasn't home. Me and my younger brother played a lot.
I wish I could play with him again one day.🔹

#

To my younger brother, I became what my older brother was to me. Cold.
I don't want my brother to become messed up like me.
I hope he'll do ok, I hope one day he'll know I care, I'm just unable to show it to him right now.🔹

#

Life is messed up, I feel like crying.▪️

void sluice Nov 19, 2025, 5:50 AM

#

Can I be happy every single moment?🔹

void sluice Nov 19, 2025, 11:05 AM

#

NASA always have cool names to their projects. I'm going to try and fix my life using the schedule method with additional components I'll code to make sure I'll stay on track. I want to hype myself over this project. I'm going to give it a cool name of my own. I'll name it "Orion", my favorite constellation. helps to guide me in the right direction even at the darkest times of the night. It also represents a strong hunter, one that never gives up.🔸

void sluice Nov 19, 2025, 11:26 AM

#

I made the Orion Dataset, basically each day I'll have to enter some information and it will get stored in a dataset that I can investigate later. I hope to reach some conclusions or find patterns in my behavior.🔸

void sluice Nov 19, 2025, 12:04 PM

#

I'm going to create the first schedule, the schedule of today. I want to include in it time to work on Orion and maybe a nice hike, and time to fill army files.🔸

void sluice Nov 19, 2025, 1:44 PM

#

I made an Orion banner, it is basically drawing an entire page with red color excluding "Orion" so there's white text Orion left.
I'll need to create one of these each time I fail in following the schedule.
I'll hang the banners on the wall of my room, they'll serve as a reminder to follow the Orion. Each time I wake up, they'll be the first thing I see.
I created one so far, to represent all the times I failed myself so far.🔸

#

The Orion banners in my room will raise questions. I need to think of an explanation (lie) to my family.🔹

void sluice Nov 19, 2025, 4:07 PM

#

The audience is always in my head, these vivid visions, conversations, attention.
My mind isn't entirely mine.🔻

#

Orion goes well so far, I went on a hike, just returned, and need to start working. This is the hard part.
It's good I left some empty place so I could always shift my event blocks in my calendar.🔸

void sluice Nov 19, 2025, 7:55 PM

#

I hung the Orion banner on the ceiling above my bed, even if one of my family members will notice it, I'd say it was there for a long time, and that I made it as a joke after one of my campings, I just wanted to fall asleep under Orion stars again, or some bullshit like that.🔹

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Orion works perfectly. It's still only the first day, while my motivation is still high. we'll see if the project stands through the test of time, keeps standing through my less motivated parts of life.🔸

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For once I'm going to sleep in a normal hour. Goodnight.🔸

void sluice Nov 20, 2025, 12:59 PM

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I had a good day so far. The Bar mitzvah was good, I listened to the rabbi preach to us. I'm agnostic. I don't believe in Judaism anymore, but it's still nice to hear them talk.
My brother read his part just as I did when I was 13.
All my family was there, it was nice.🔸

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I still follow the Orion, and it works well so far.
I learned logarithms today, tomorrow I have a test on the subject.
I didn't learn math for a long time, but I'm a quick learner.
Now I need to learn a couple Algebraic Geometry formulas and I'm going to be ready for tomorrow.
My work goes smoothly, now that I have the Orion.🔸

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The Orion schedule says I'm soon going on an awsome book hike, can't argue with that.🔸

void sluice Nov 20, 2025, 9:28 PM

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I practiced the entire day, I didn't went to school for a while, and tomorrow is the test, and I didn't know anything at the start of today.
I worked well today.
I'm tired. But proud.🔸

void sluice Nov 21, 2025, 9:04 AM

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Well, turns out there's a limit to what I can learn in a day. I usually get 95+ in mathematics, today I'll probably get around 50 : (
Huge strike to my ego.🔹

void sluice Nov 21, 2025, 12:15 PM

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I guess it's one of those things that needs time to sink in. After the test I was just kind of in shock, and slowly it began to shift to sadness.
How could I have failed the test today?
If I'm not the smart guy, I'm nothing. Shit.🔻

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I am a perfectionist. I always strive for 100 on any test there is, when I get 95 I'd tell my friends I'm very happy, but deep down I'll keep thinking about those 5 points.
It takes meaning in my life in more than just tests.
Small tasks that should take a short amount of time ends up taking a whole day, I keep perfecting them.🔻

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The perfectionism took form a month ago too, I was so lost and sad.
There was this annoying thought in my head, Even if I could get back from all those bad habits and everything I'm going through. I could never be perfect anymore.
Being alone and addictions from a young age while the brain is still building, it leaves mark.
A damage that is unfixable.
I ruined my chances of being perfect, so maybe I should just stop here. Stop trying. There's nothing for me to get to anymore.🔻

void sluice Nov 21, 2025, 12:35 PM

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void sluice The perfectionism took form a month ago too, I was so lost and sad. There was th...

Again, that was just some thought I had a while ago, I don't have it now.🔸

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I came back home from the test, I did addictions and took a nap, just woke up.
Above me is the Orion banner. Today is the first time I didn't follow it. I was supposed to go on a book hike, but I felt bad after the test and didn't want to go.🔹

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I need to get back on my feet, I'll readjust my schedule, I need to keep following the Orion.🔸

void sluice Nov 21, 2025, 4:13 PM

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My family don't believe me that I failed the test, it's actually annoying.🔹

void sluice Nov 21, 2025, 7:00 PM

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I'll have to create another Orion banner, I didn't follow it today. I had a schedule for today but I found myself doing other things. Wouldn't consider it a bad day, but still.🔹

void sluice Nov 21, 2025, 11:51 PM

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I met up with friends today, haven't done that in a while, feels good, I have good friends, wish I could see them more.
I always have so much to do.🔹

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Usually I just keep postponing doing the tasks and then a pressure starts to form and I'm always late and full of tasks.
In these situations I find it hard to meet with friends or do any of my hobbies, because in my head I need to finish my tasks first. And I end up not doing either.🔹

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Maybe now with project Orion things will change. Maybe now that I have designated times for doing the tasks I could relax in the time spared.
I'll now have a couple of days full of work, completing all the work I had to do way before.
After that I would be free.
After that.🔸

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I always said that after the army tests I'll be free, and now I'm saying that after I'll finish all these tasks I'll be free.
After that there could be another thing.
I hope not.🔹

void sluice Nov 23, 2025, 1:20 PM

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Self control is hard. each time you fail, you need to reclaim yourself again and clean all the mess you caused.🔹

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For a moment the deadline is so far away. One blink later he is right here banging on my door.
The knocks are waking me up each time.🔹

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So let's clean this mess.🔸

void sluice Nov 24, 2025, 3:49 PM

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Sometimes lying is necessary. It all finally paid off. No one will take my freedom. I'm taking enough of it on my own. Finally I had some good sleep. Today I won.🔸

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I haven't followed my schedules for a couple of days. Since I failed the Math exam.
I'll try to continue with my Orion project. I'll be more careful this time.🔸

void sluice Nov 25, 2025, 3:43 PM

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I started randomly getting sad all of a sudden. I'm eating with my friends and get sad. I'm walking home and get sad. Oof.🔻

void sluice Nov 25, 2025, 5:22 PM

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I passed the army tests I practiced so long for. I can't believe I managed to do that.
It's still only was the first stage. I'm now approaching the second one.
Very stressful times are ahead of me, I wish I could relax for a moment.
But I need to do some assignments now.
And when I'll finish them there will be more assignments.
There's always something.
Maybe one day I will learn to live in this cycle.🔹

void sluice Nov 25, 2025, 7:31 PM

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I thought I would be happier from passing the tests. I worked on it so much.🔹

void sluice Nov 26, 2025, 5:40 PM

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A game developer, a music producer, a climber. I'll never be those things. Now is the moment I realize it.
I need to give in, to the image of me that everyone else have in their heads.
My goals will be goals that were set by other people.
My life will be boring and typical.
That is what I was always meant to be.
Dreams are a curse, their only purpose in my life are to make me sad.
This is the day I give up on them.
Now they won't make me sad anymore.🔹

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I'll score good grades, I'll get the 6 years army job. Continue to a stable job in some big company. Get a wife. Kids. Normal.
Live in an endless loop. Go back home tired. Addictions. Stress. Lack of sleep. Boredom.
I don't know how to kill dreams. I'll just try not to think about them.🔻

void sluice Nov 30, 2025, 7:06 AM

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I love the sound of the rain tapping on the window. it gives me a certain vibe, makes me feel safe.🔸

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I wish days were longer. When I look at all my tasks it seems as if I have time. But eventually I don't.
As long as I have tasks I can't relax. They are always weighting me down.🔹

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The schedules don't work, my mood changes or some new event pops in and all my motivation to follow the schedule falls down.🔹

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I need to find another method, or adjust the existing one.
I feel this sense of exhaustion in the background. The dreadfullness. Stress piling in my chest.
The rain helps a little.🔹

void sluice Nov 30, 2025, 4:45 PM

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I want a break.🔻

void sluice Dec 2, 2025, 11:10 AM

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I haven't gone to school for 3 days in a row. It happens to me a lot lately. They talk as if I want this, like I'm just a kid that doesn't want to go to school.
They think I'm enjoying this. They don't see the chains holding me to this place.
I wanna scream or cry, let it out some way. But I know I can't, I lost that ability a long time ago.
Nowadays it all keeps piling up in my chest.

So I'll stay here a bit longer.▪️

void sluice Dec 2, 2025, 8:25 PM

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I'll try to get psychological help from a professional. It will be a bit hard to do that without getting my parents consent.
I'll first try to get help that doesn't require their consent.🔹

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There's a free psychological help package from my healthcare provider.
I'm afraid the healthcare would write the meetings under my name and then my parents could see it.
I'll first call the healthcare from a private number and try to understand how confidential the meetings are.🔹

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Tomorrow I need to wake up at 5 am. I won't have a lot of sleep time. I hope things will go well tomorrow.🔹

void sluice Dec 3, 2025, 3:58 AM

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2 hours of public transportation, the train is so silent in these hours. The view is beautiful.🔸

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I don't know what awaits me. I hope things will turn out okay.🔸

void sluice Dec 3, 2025, 10:51 AM

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Not what I expected. I'm on my way home.🔸

void sluice Dec 5, 2025, 8:01 PM

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Today I solved a really cool coding problem. It's one of those problems I'm going to remember.
It's the forth problem on leetcode. Finding the median of two sorted arrays in O(log(n)) complexity.
I couldn't find anyone using my solution. Everyone used the normal "divide and conquer".🔸

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After solving it I sat down for half an hour scrolling through all the discussions talking about how difficult the problem was.
I need validation from other people that what I did was hard.
I need to feel smart. I can't be satisfied by knowing I solved a problem that was difficult for me. I need to know that it was super difficult for everyone.🔹

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I need to know that others failed and I succeeded.
I hope I could be happy just from solving the problem.🔹

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One problem I'm really proud of myself for solving is the physics engine platform. I built it in love2d. I didn't use any existing physics libraries and made an engine that is really accurate to real world physics.
I tried to build a game based of the physics engine. Never got to that point.🔸

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Except solving problems, my days been kind of empty. I haven't seen my friends in a while. Haven't gone to school.
Work is piling up from all sides.
I ignore them for now and focus on solving the problems I do enjoy solving.
My stress, sleep deprivation, isolation and addiction problems can wait.
And also all the other tasks I have.
And the empty problem.🔹

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Stranger Thing's new season is kinda neat. Though I probably need to go back to the start because I don't remember shit.
I don't mind seeing it again, it's a really good show.🔹

void sluice Dec 6, 2025, 12:28 AM

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Replies are allowed now. I think it would be cool to talk to people instead of just writing here.
I started in Discord so I could finally talk to someone about my problems.
I met that someone. We were really good friends, and I ruined it.
Now I have been alone again, she still writes messages to me from time to time.
I don't have the courage to answer her. I hope she understands.🔹

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It's the middle of the night. I can't sleep again. It happens to me a lot lately.🔹

void sluice Dec 6, 2025, 3:35 AM

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I pulled an all nighter.
I hate myself.
I hate my life.
It's still dark outside. I'm going for a hike.🔻

void sluice Dec 7, 2025, 6:33 AM

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I hiked 45 kilometers yesterday. My legs still hurt.
But it was nice.
Great views🔸

void sluice Dec 7, 2025, 8:23 PM

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I just had a hour long philosophical debate with my sister.
There's this dilemma that goes like this: a train is heading towards 5 people tied to the tracks. You stand on a bridge above the tracks seeing the train coming. Alongside you stands a large man. You can push him from the bridge to the tracks, his body would stop the train from continuing to the 5 people. The man will die in process.🔹

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I think that in that situation the moral thing to do is to save 5 people and kill 1 man. My sister of course disagreed, she didn't want to kill the man. Although 5 minutes beforehand, I presented her the same dilemma but instead of standing on a bridge with the man, it was the classic trolley problem; one man tied to the other track and you could divert the train by pulling a lever killing 1 person instead of 5. In that dilemma she chose to kill the 1 person.🔹

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But now that it was pushing the man instead of pulling a lever remotely, suddenly you feel more guilt. You feel more responsible, it seems violent and feral to push the man down to the tracks. She didn't feel guilt for the 5 people she would kill instead. Weird.
Choosing not to do something is by itself a choice. If we choose to save the man standing alongside us, we kill the 5 people on the tracks. Even if it's not your fault that those people are tied to the tracks, it is your fault that you could save them but you chose to not do so. By being in the situation that you have the power, the choice, you already are responsible.🔹

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Choosing not to help someone in need. Choosing not to fix something that was broken not by us. leaving a bad situation as it is, when you have the power to change it. In my opinion we have responsibility. Choosing not to do something is a choice by itself.🔸

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Responsibility isn’t only about causing harm, it’s also about preventing it when we can.🔸

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It's only a question of if you are willing to save 4 (5 - 1 = 4) people and live with the action of pushing someone to its death. The right thing to do is to save the people.🔸

void sluice Dec 9, 2025, 6:17 PM

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Of course I waited for the last moment to do everything. And of course I don't have time. And even with everything I have I still end up here. writing, instead of working. I don't even work much anymore. I'm just kind of terrified of the concept of it. So I'm here.🔻

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There's this feeling, when I did something wrong, which I knew it is wrong. And despite knowing I did it anyways, and now I'm paying the price for it. And I know that despite knowing, I'll make that mistake a 1000 times more. I'm even making that mistake right now. I can't change. This feeling is just building in my chest. The only thing remotely similar to it is dreadfulness, empty. I know everything is wrong and I can't do nothing. It feels like my heart is drained. This is the worst feeling I've ever had.🔻

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When everything started around 2 years ago I kept trying to stay as what I used to be. But things have gone worse each day, I couldn't keep up. There was no way to keep trying around my family. They accepted the depressed me quite quickly. I don't think they even remember what I used to be like. I don't know if even I remember. Maybe I've always been like this.🔻

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No. Not always. I remember. vaguely.🔹

void sluice Dec 9, 2025, 7:23 PM

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I managed to hide everything from my friends. Sometimes I needed to put on an act and sometimes I didn't feel like I need to act to be happy around them. I appreciate my friends a lot. But lately it doesn't work, I started to lean more on the act. And now I kind of stopped trying. They begin asking if I'm okay. They tell me I'm not myself lately.
I tell them I have a hard time sleeping, that I'm just tired. Half lie.
I know they are just being polite. I barely see them nowadays. Our group isn't what it was. They can drop the act. They don't have the right to tell me that I'm not myself. That is me, they just don't like what I've become. I don't like it either. But that's the truth.🔻

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I feel the dread again. It's late. I still have so much work to do. I didn't do a thing yet. I want to throw myself out the window. I probably won't do much work today, and I probably won't have much sleep either because I can't sleep until the work is done.🔻

void sluice Dec 9, 2025, 9:13 PM

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Haven't done anything yet. The exam is tomorrow. I'm going to fail. All those years being an A+ student just to f*ck everything now.🔻

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I'm hungry, my father is downstairs on the couch, same as always. I don't want to see him, I don't want him to see me. I'm locked here.🔻

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Same as always.🔻

void sluice Dec 12, 2025, 8:46 AM

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My life's goal is to reach a time where the only task I have is to wait for new tasks.
I wonder what it would be like.🔹

void sluice Dec 13, 2025, 12:40 PM

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The Earth is round. No matter which direction you go you'll eventually return to your starting point. I just live on a smaller planet.🔻

void sluice Dec 14, 2025, 12:38 PM

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3 days left, and what am I doing?? I can't do this. I need to wake up. 🔻

void sluice Dec 15, 2025, 1:46 PM

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I'm trying to get professional psychological help. But it seems to be impossible, they all require my parents' permission.🔻

void sluice Dec 16, 2025, 9:27 AM

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I feel worse each day. I want to rest. It's a holiday, but I have work to do. And I can't rest.🔻

void sluice Dec 16, 2025, 4:34 PM

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I'm going to fail tomorrow. I just can't do anything.🔻

void sluice Dec 17, 2025, 7:45 PM

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I did okay today. The tests took the entire day. I'm tired. My dad told me I can take the time to rest. My dad doesn't understand anything. I have so much more work to do.
I feel sick and weak.
I need to sleep, but there's no telling if I'll be able to.🔻

void sluice Dec 18, 2025, 6:15 PM

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Well there's nothing to add. I just feel sad and hopeless. probably won't be writing here for a while.▪️

void sluice Dec 29, 2025, 10:18 PM

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I did not get better. The interview didn't go well today. I felt lonely and sad and put nyself to bed, I have my book that comforts me and I can just relax. This is real relaxation, not like the one provided by addictions.🔹

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I heard their whispers beyond my door, I couldn't really believe it.
My friends came to surprise me. They sang happy birthday to me, we hung out together for like two hours.
Tomorrow we go surfing early so we split now to get some sleep.🔸

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I feel way better now. I don't know how much time I have left feeling like this, but I love that feeling.
I'm way more motivated now, to do anything, I feel less of a failure.
I don't know why I always distance myself from everyone, why I let myself be alone, I know they care about me, I know I can trust them.
But I'mjust unable to.
But I feel less alone now.🔸

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Now I'll return to read my book, and this whole experience feels 10 times better.🔸

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I appreciate my friends.
I barely thought of it, but yes, it is my birthday.🔸

void sluice Jan 1, 2026, 9:20 AM

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The army appointed me to a military psychologist too soon. Maybe I didn't lie enough in the personality tests.
I mean, I think I covered my mental state pretty well in those tests, the only part they could have might get something are the stories.
I let my creativity flow, I liked the stories I wrote but they were pretty disturbing. I should have held back.
I can't let them know what I am, they'll throw me off the coding units.
I worked too hard for this to end up in the front-lines.🔻

void sluice Jan 1, 2026, 4:53 PM

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What a waste of seconds, waste of minutes, of hours, of days, weeks, months, years
What a waste of my life.🔻

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What a waste of this moment, and probably the next one too.🔻

void sluice Jan 1, 2026, 5:14 PM

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I wish there was a way.
I wish to know what to do now.
I'm alone and every day is so empty and cold.
There's so much to do, and I can't do it.
There's so much I want to do, and I never do it.
I'm so ashamed of what I am and I hate myself and I hate this place.
There's no one to talk to.
I just feel so hopeless and so empty.
I hate my life.▪️

void sluice Jan 5, 2026, 1:09 PM

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Work piles up again, I don't have a chance. Stress, self hatred and what not.🔻

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The Orion project failed, it was focused around organization. I got strucked emotionaly and since then I couldn't keep with my schedules.🔹

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I'm thinking of starting the Saraswati project. It's more focused on trying to get back into coding games and learn to create music and climbing, my hobbies. The things I like to do.
Unfortunately I haven't touched game coding in years, I bought the music production equipment 2 years ago, never used it. And I barely ever go climbing.
Most of my life is addictions, work and dread.🔹

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In the last couple of months my addictions got worse and I'm running behind on work.
Maybe by actually spending more of my time doing the things I like I'll eventually have more energy to do my work.
That's the idea of Saraswati.
It seems counter intuitive, spending more time on things that aren't work will eventually give me more time to work.🔹

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I don't know if I can trust this theory, I have so many important tasks right now, tests and interviews to prepare myself for.
If the Saraswati will fail I can fall off.
But on the other hand at this rate I'm falling off already so maybe I need to give it a try.🔹

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2 hours a day studying Unity game engine, 1 hour studying Ableton music framework and 2 time a week go climbing. I'll try.🔹

void sluice Jan 5, 2026, 4:52 PM

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It's crazy how little I do each day.🔻

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I have 7 tasks, i'll return in a week and write if the Saraswati project worked. 🔹

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I know it seems weird, if I like game coding, music production and climbing so much why haven't I touched those hobbies in so long?
I have a hard time answering this question.
Maybe because in each moment of my life I have so much to do, and I get stressed and end up not doing the work nor hobbies and end up in addictions and then each time I focus up again I have to do work that I'm running late in instead of things I actually love to do.
It's not a full explanation, I feel like there are other stuff that are holding me down from doing what I love, other than work stress.
I'll probably find them out in Saraswati.
A week.🔹

void sluice Jan 7, 2026, 5:10 PM

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The interview went amazing!!!!
I solved everything and knew all the answers!
This might be the perfect place for me, it's one of the best jobs I could have gotten.
Wow I feel good.🔸

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I'll go hangout with my friends, haven't done that in a long time.🔸

void sluice Jan 14, 2026, 2:43 PM

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I don't know what will happen, I'm scared.
Certain decisions have a permanent effect.
Soon I will need to choose if I want to risk it all for my dream life or be a simple programmer.
I want more time.
I don't feel good lately.
I want it to stop.
It's hard to even remember what my dreams are.
It's hard to even remember what I used to be, It's hard to realize what I am now.🔻

void sluice Jan 15, 2026, 5:03 PM

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The interview went well I think.
I asked my friends if they wanted to meet up, but they didn't answer.
I guess I have time for myself now, I don't need to worry about any tasks right now.🔹

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I'm supposed to work for my dreams now, don't I?
I'm supposed to start learning Unity and start coding games. I'm supposed to learn the Ableton work frame and music theory.
What is wrong with me? I finally have time to do what I love and I just can't do it.
Are my dreams a lie?
I feel like someone tricked me.
I feel tired, I feel like not doing anything.
What is wrong with me🔻

void sluice Jan 25, 2026, 9:12 PM

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Those past couple of years went really bad. It's hard to keep going like this, and I don't have a solution. I divert all of my power to my existing assignments and work. I don't have any power left to fix my mental health. I think I need a long enough break to really just work on myself, but when will I ever find that much amount of time?
I need like 2 weeks minimum of just me without any work on my mind, maybe that could clear the fog.
Or, it would be just another short-term vacation before jumping back to this dreadful life.
What will I even do with myself without all the work and stress, I could just fill my entire schedule with my addictions. Or maybe my addictions are a product of the stress and without it, the addictions would be gone too, and I'll finally be myself again.
Well, hypothetically, a break sounds good but I don't have the time for it, I barely hold on with my existing deadlines, I can't just pause everything and simply return later, it just doesn't work.🔹

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Today I cried for the first time in so long! crying is fun, it's relieving. I wish I could cry more often. Most of the time it feels like I'm about to cry, the tears are right on the edge of the eye and then they return all of a sudden, leaving my empty with their false promise.🔹

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Not very long ago I took an entire day to myself and dedicated it to learn Unity game engine. It was really fun and confusing, I have so much more to learn, but it seems like I won't have the time for it. I guess I should be grateful for the time I had. But I'm not. I hate work, I hate all this stress. I want to learn Unity. I want to be a game programmer. I want to learn how to produce music. I want to learn climbing. I want a different life, I want a break.🔻

void sluice Jan 26, 2026, 7:15 PM

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The infection in my leg spread, I didn't tell about it to anyone for a year. Now it's going to be hard to remove. Unlike my mental health I didn't really care to tell about it to my parents. I just didn't do that for some reason.
My mental problems have another year left to get worse until I'll reach 18 years old and could get help on my own. I hope the situation won't take too much more time to get repaired compared to the time it would have taken if I started now.
I wonder if it would have been behind me already if I started treating it professionally 2 years ago. I wonder what life I could have had now.🔻

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The interview went amazing today! I solved all the logic problems they threw at me, it felt nice.🔸

void sluice Jan 27, 2026, 5:24 PM

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I need to find friends that have the same interests as me. That way I could be more social and work for my goals at the same time. I didn't see any of my friends or anyone really in the last 3 days and haven't made any progress in any of my goals either.
But from time to time when the stars align perfectly and I get free time and also actually want to do something, it would be better to do my hobbies and be with people at the same time.
I currently don't know anyone that have the same hobbies as me but I'll keep an eye open. I just don't like how lonely I am.🔹

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But I guess my loneliness streak will be over soon - a birthday of one of my friends. I'm half surprised he invited me, but I very much appreciate it.🔸

void sluice Jan 27, 2026, 11:23 PM

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I had so much fun! I'm one of his best friends, who would he invite if not me? I don't know why I always feel like my friends value me less after long periods of solitude.
I'm the one who is isolating myself. They send all the meetups in the group chat, I just never come.
They call me and I tell them I'm sick and cannot come.
I barely go to school.
I'm the one who is responsible for my loneliness, no one else.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
Why I avoid my own friends all the time?🔹

void sluice Jan 29, 2026, 3:52 PM

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The test went well, I went to a friend's house afterwards, she just moved in. I accompanied her to the community center, where she works.
The director needed more guides for today, so I ended up working there with the kids.
I have 2 years experience working with children, so it wasn't such a problem for me.
I played with them a game I used to play with my little brother before we became distant, a game that I created.
The children loved it and before I knew it, all the children in the community center came to play my game.
It was pretty hard playing it with 40 of them, but I managed. and all the other guides just watched.
I met all of the children, talked and played with them, it was nice.
One of them called Michaela, she didn't leave my side for a moment.
It was supposed to be a one time thing, just for today. But the children begged me to stay, and the director wanted to hire me.
The children were so cute and nice, so energetic and lifefull.
I love working with them, I told the director I'll think about the offer.
In the ending talk of the community center, the children said I have to stay and Michaela said she wants me to be her father.
It's sure hard to say no to 40 cuildren, so I'm working there now.🔸

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But I came back home now, and when I'm alone I look at things from a different perspective.
I barely hold on with everything, how did I agreed to this job?!
Now I'm going to be 10 times more busy, I can't believe myself.
I'm so stupid.
I need to spend every free time that I have working for my goals. Not that I have much free time with all the work and addictions.
I wish life was easier.
My parents wouldn't like my new job, they want me to be a programmer in hi-tech before the military.
Though logically I find that job as a bad idea, I still don't want to decline my approval.
Maybe this job would give me some time to relax from everything.🔹

#

I hope Michaela have good parents, I hope Michaela would have a good life without addiction or stress or any of that.🔸

void sluice Feb 2, 2026, 4:38 PM

#

tasks take exactly the time I have, I fail if I have to little, and they expand if I have too much. I'll never finish them before the time is due, only right on the dead line.🔻

void sluice Feb 3, 2026, 11:52 AM

#

I remember starting with Discord 2 years ago, I was annoyed about my addictions and my life and searched for a way out, I looked at my problems as just another math test, that I just need to find the right solution, using logic and effort.
I had tried many things back then, and I sort of got here to find people to make this journey to the solution with. I never got to the solution, I abandoned the friends I made, and now I only write here, they are in a different server, hope they never find this.
I haven't tried any method in a long time. I simply lost hope.
The truth is there is no simple solution to clean all this mess. There are problems I need to learn to live with.
And here I am 2 years later, everything got worse and those problems became my life.
All that is left for me is to wait for the next spike of motivation, that might never come.🔻

void sluice Feb 5, 2026, 4:09 PM

#

Why are we so alone?▫️

void sluice Feb 6, 2026, 9:36 AM

#

4 hour ride, the train is almost empty. It will get filled up when we approach the big cities.
There's not much to do here. I'm not able to finish my tasks here. I have nothing to do. Can't think of the last time I could say that sentence.
It's relaxing. I am not expected to do anything.🔹

void sluice Feb 6, 2026, 11:31 AM

#

I'm going on a camping trip with a friend and 30 kids, hope they won't be too much of a headache.
My friend is the guide and I sort of help him.
I used to be a guide myself in this organization last year.
I thought that by cutting off my guide duties I'll have more time for myself, and won't be stressed about tasks all the time.
It didn't work.
I had more time so my work and addictions just extended themselves.🔹

#

I hope the trip will lift my mood a bit.🔸

void sluice Feb 9, 2026, 5:13 PM

#

There's an annoying voice in the background.🔻

#

Loneliness is addicting.🔻

#

I'm always trapped, there's no good option, I want to be free, I don't have time to refill my motivation, I have to drain it every day.🔻

#

I'm scared of not being perfect.
I need to cut my losses now, before it would be too late.
Yet I hold on, try to keep up with everything and make stupid decisions in the process.🔻

#

Please give me time.
Make this world stop, just for a while.🔻

void sluice Feb 14, 2026, 1:04 AM

#

I wish I had an infinite amount of self control.🔹

void sluice Feb 14, 2026, 7:44 PM

#

I haven't done anything that I would consider enjoyable today.
I can probably say that about most days, but from now on I want to keep track of this.🔹

void sluice Feb 22, 2026, 6:17 PM

#

I just feel sad and a bit empty. I want to cry because another day is lost.
I don't want to get out of my room, I'm too ashamed to see other people right now.
I feel so stupid.
And I wish I had any kind of hope.🔻

void sluice Feb 22, 2026, 7:33 PM

#

Why should I get out of my room, I have nothing to do anywhere.🔻

void sluice Feb 24, 2026, 10:35 AM

#

How do I begin to rest, when there's nothing to rest from? How do I begin to work when I'm already exhausted?▫️

void sluice Mar 11, 2026, 5:54 AM

#

It's hard to put these feelings into words, maybe because I don't completely understand them, I have a hard time assigning them to a specific term.
It feels like I always have a better thing to do, but I never do that thing.
I'm so stressed about all those tasks.
I like mathematics, physics and programming, but I'm unable to enjoy them, at least when there are tasks involved.
And so nowadays I learn economics, and try to forget about all other projects and tasks I might have.. until I won't be able to.🔹

#

Those tasks don't just vanish out of my mind, writing this is proof of it. They stay at the sides and take a heavy toll on me.
I wish I could be free, or just feel free.🔹

#

I want to know. I want to learn. Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Economics, Mathematics, Computer Science.. I want to know everything.
I wish I could be faster, more productive. Better.
More than all I wish I could be happy.🔹

void sluice Mar 15, 2026, 3:09 AM

#

First rule: I cannot break those rules on my own.

Second rule: I cannot talk with anyone about those rules.

▫️

#

I don't think there's a solution to this puzzle.🔹

void sluice Mar 15, 2026, 3:41 AM

#

Another sleepless night.

I started drinking coffee in the mornings. I hoped it would give me some energy or the motivation I lack.

But coffee doesn't help. Nothing helps. And I cannot talk with anyone about those rules.

My parents don't love me, and that's okay. I've come to understand that I don't love them either.

All that is left for me is to wait for the next motivation spike. They are getting rarer and shorter nowadays. They will vanish eventually.

Without motivation I don't do anything. When I have motivation I do my overflowing tasks. Either way, I don't have a say. I'm imprisoned.

I want to wipe my brain clean and start anew. Throw all the bad habits away.

The sun is rising now and I will keep my window closed.

🔹

void sluice Mar 15, 2026, 9:24 PM

#

They loved my resume, I hope I got accepted. It's a good job as a programmer and data analyst.
Many get a degree in computer science and can't find a job, companies prefer AIs than juniors nowadays.
I don't have a degree, a 17 year old still in high school.
Luck is playing by my side.
This is one of the best Hi-Tech companies in my country.
I can't lose this opportunity.
🔸

#

Please god, please just please give me some energy to do anything.
I have to keep working and learning..
Please
I just need some motivation, give me some control. I can't continue living like this.
I need to stand up, I need to finish all my projects..
I have to pull through.
🔹

#

Who am I kidding. God doesn't exist. I am alone in this room, as always.

Motivation or not, I have to pull through, it was never my decision to begin with.

I need to plan the next couple of days. I have to start working again.
🔹

#

I'm going to get this job.🔸

void sluice Mar 23, 2026, 7:19 AM

#

I'll try to make online friends that I could talk to, I hope what happened last time won't happen again..🔹

void sluice Mar 29, 2026, 7:55 AM

#

I can't stay on my own plan for more than a day, what an actual joke..
I need to gradually increase the amount of work I do.
But I never seem to be able to do that. Suddenly I need to work the entire day.
And then I'm burned out again..🔹

#

I got the final interview. I want this job.🔸

#

I need to work and prepare for this interview.
I'll ditch my plan for the day.
I'll restart it in two days.. I just need to secure my place..
And in two days there will probably be other things to work and worry about..🔹

#

Just 3 days ago I finished a 3 year Machine Learning and data science program.
Thought I'll have more time now.
But now there's a new job in sight and a new program to attend to..🔹

#

Honestly, it might be for the better..
I don't know anymore what to do in my free time.🔹

#

I don't remember what I used to want, or what I wanted to be.

I hope that at the end of this road, I will be happy.🔹

void sluice Apr 9, 2026, 9:22 PM

#

I worked on this project for a whole year. I got a perfect 100.

Nice.

I thought about telling my parents. But.. maybe I'll just keep this to myself. They don't need to care about this thing.
I hope I can use this project in the upcoming interviews..

Life feels empty.
For a long time it has been so.

I could have only got hurt by getting a bad grade.
A good grade doesn't generate much satisfaction.
🔹

#

Sometimes my hand gets stiff and fully straightened up.
Instead of jumping my leg, the hand thing is a less visible way to release stress.
Though it hurts a little bit..

I want to escape somewhere.
To go on another one of my hikes, I haven't done that in so long..
But I can't think of anywhere to go..
Or any excuse to vanish for a couple of days.
And most importantly, I don't think I have the motivation to go.

That's fine.

I'll stay here.
🔹

#

A little longer..
🔹

void sluice Apr 12, 2026, 10:05 AM

#

I'm a cruel dictator over my future selves.
All future mes are going to suffer so I can get another bit of satisfaction or enjoyment.
I'm the most selfish ruler there is.
I make stupid decisions and they will have to live with them.
I already suffer so much from past rulers. you'd think that when my time comes I'll finally make a change.
But power is always corrupting.

maybe it's not such a good analogy. I don't get any enjoyment out of this.
🔹

#

What am I on about ⸮
🔹

void sluice Apr 16, 2026, 4:58 PM

#

I'll give my life to be free.🔻

void sluice Apr 16, 2026, 5:16 PM

#

I need to run away, for a couple of days at least.
I don't know how.
What I'll eat or where I'll drink?...

I'm going insane here.
This morning I found myself on the ground, all bruised up from the fall.
I don't remember falling.
It wasn't a concussion, my head was fine.
I get in and out of myself constantly.

My eyes get frantic from time to time, my head makes sudden turns.

Everybody looks down on me. I despise them.

My state is not getting better. I just need to hold on a couple more months. Therapy is the only opportunity left that I can think of.

I need to make sure all my possibilities stay open until I am in the right state to make the right choices.

Then I'll get fixed by a professional, and swiftly come back to my life. All of my family and friends could then forget this version of me ever existed.
I could live again, reclaim my life. Yes.
🔹

#

In a couple of months I'll be able to get a professional look.

I just need to keep everything contained until then.

Unfortunately, there will be nothing left to contain if I stay here any f***ing longer.

The problem is that I have tasks and things to do, to keep all my possibilities open. I can't just disappear for days out of nowhere.
But it seems I won't be able to finish my work either way if I stay here.

Well, I don't care, I have to get out.

I'll plan my way, pack my stuff, find a shitty excuse and get out of here.
🔹

void sluice Apr 16, 2026, 11:20 PM

#

Time accelerates. Days just pass.
🔹

#

I wish I had chosen to work in the kids center.
They liked me there. The workers still send me videos of the kids asking for me to come back.

I declined the job. I thought I'll get my coding job sooner, but the recruiting process takes longer than I expected. So there was time for me to work in the center.

It wasn't the only reason I declined.
I also have an urgent need for my life to be amounting to absolutely nothing.
And so I don't do a thing. Alone all day.

It just feels like I could do so much in every given moment. Do all the work I'm postponing.. working on my dreams (they are basically dead by now, but I still remember them. Vaguely.)

And so I don't do anything. Because at any given moment I have so much else to do. And that's also why I didn't take the job at the center. Yet I'm not doing any of that urgent stuff.

I'm aware. Yet nothing changes. I just want to crawl inside a warm bubble at the center of the earth and not do anything ever again.
🔹

#

Will time continue accelerating until my death. Just a void of nothing between me and the end. A blink of the eye.

I am tired.

And I'll wake up tomorrow, tired.

I won't do anything I am proud of tomorrow. I can't change. I am not in control, the only time I am (half) alive is here, now.

A blink of an eye. A void. And I'll be right here again.
🔹

void sluice Apr 22, 2026, 8:18 PM

#

I had a couple of good days, before today.
I come here only when I feel bad, which makes this journal biased.
Though still the majority of my days are empty and depressing I guess I should write and remind myself about the better ones.
🔹

#

Two days ago I had a full day with both of my best friends, we cooked, swam, caught waves with a kayak, got bruised up by the rocks we happened to collide with.. it was the best day I had in a while.
Yesterday there was a big event and a big party with all my friends which I enjoyed a lot.
🔸

#

Today was empty.
I guess I should be more with my friends. But I have a lot of other more important things to do, yet I end up not doing anything.
I can't think properly, trying to make sense out of my own actions makes me want to smash my head against the wall.

I don't have time to run away. I always tell myself I'll run away for a couple of days. But I end up not planning or doing anything.

So what do I do all day? I play games and watch videos. I don't enjoy any of those activities, they are boring and empty. They just pass the time and help to make my head blank.
Emptying all my problems and stress, into pure nothingness.
Anything that helps pass the time really.

I'm killing time instead of living it.

I need to run away. But I won't. I simply possess no power anymore. I am drained and weak.

I'll stay imprisoned in this empty space until the day I die.
🔹

void sluice Apr 22, 2026, 9:03 PM

#

I know I should be with my friends, but then it would mean that I'll be with them instead of doing all the really urgent stuff I need to do.
And I know that I don't do any of that urgent stuff anyways.. But at least there's still a chance at any given moment that the motivation will suddenly strike me and I'll finally finish all of my work..

Meeting with my friends, or committing my time to anything else is like signing a contract that for the next couple of hours I won't be able to make progress in any of my tasks. Though I don't make progress anyways, I am not ready to sign any of those contracts.
Because that will mean admitting defeat and accepting I simply can't do that. It will mean that I understand that those tasks are more important than meeting up but I don't do them because I have no motivation or power to do them. And so I choose something that mostly doesn't take power out of me like meeting with friends..

Even though boring games and videos I watch are equally unimportant as friends compared to my overflowing tasks, those videos and games don't require signing a time contract, because theocratically I can stop and do work whenever I want as opposed to being with friends..

And that's why my life is empty, all stuff that doesn't require "time contracts" are boring, and I can't sign "time contracts" until finishing my work, because that will mean I cannot do that work and so I am accepting defeat and throwing my future away.

And so I live an empty depressing full of stress life.

That's the most sense I can make out of my situation.
🔹

void sluice Apr 23, 2026, 7:09 PM

#

My dream life is waking up in a library tower in the middle of some sort of land. completely isolated. The library contains one book about simple mathematics, that's all. I am free to traverse the outside lands, but traversal requires knowledge in some way. The lands split into many directions and different areas of different subjects (mathematics, physics, philosophy, economics, computer science, biology, art, music theory and more..) there are many books of knowledge from all sorts out there to find. and I can just explore and learn, find more books to farther traverse. And the lands will be so beautiful, each area with his own beauty.
And in each area there will be multiple books to find that give you knowledge on the subject, or other ways to see it and bonus knowledge..

I could just find and learn knowledge, explore a beautiful world, all day long, completely alone.. filling my library with all the books I find, learning music, math and more.. without a single worry..

This fantasy may sound weird. But I think about it from time to time, dreaming about it. I love the idea of it.
🔸

#

I can't stop thinking about it, can't stop wanting it. I need water..
🔹

void sluice Apr 25, 2026, 9:31 AM

#

I'm trying to listen to music, but my parents keep yelling.
Just want to get out of this car.
🔻

#

A very good friend of mine called a couple of days ago. He is probably the nicest person I know, and he is the person I am most open with regarding my mental (it's almost nothing but still the most..)
He lives far away, we rarely get to see each other.
I promised to call him back because I had to leave. Haven't called him since. Too weird to call him now, days after. Might be the end of our friendship.
He is already the only side that makes contact.
Why didn't I call him?..
🔻

void sluice Apr 25, 2026, 6:35 PM

#

Is it possible to finish any of my work before the last second? Maybe I just need this stress to do anything.
🔹

void sluice May 8, 2026, 8:46 PM

#

I got what is probably the best course I could get, and it's only the first answer..
Now I need to choose. Between the last course I got accepted to, or this course. Everybody acts like this is a no brainer. For me it is. I don't like the last course I got, and this course will probably put me between the top guilds of development. But there is one more difference, the last course I got is 3 years while this one is 6. I sign myself up for an additional 3 years, without the ability to go back.. I don't no. I'm scared. I have another day to think. they'll call me again on Sunday to hear my decision. they almost sounded insulted when I even hesitated the first time they called. They are supposed to be one of the best courses.. I get it.. I just can't make this decision..
🔹

#

3 years is a lot.. I don't know..🔹

void sluice May 9, 2026, 6:29 PM

#

She writes to me again, one day I'll answer.. maybe🔹

#

I don't have time to think, to decide about the courses. I have a lot of time but it's getting spent irresponsibly. I'm an idiot. Even if I get accepted to all the courses, I won't be able to pass any, not with how I treat my time now. Why is everything so empty. I just feel this dread all the time. IT IS SO ANNOYING IM GOING TO BASH MY HEAD IN THE FU**ING WALLLL. oofffffffffffffffffffffffff no no no no nonononoonononoono I can't I can't.
I seem to be able to do nothing. Not even being happy. There is no excuse to my tiredness. All my friends tell me I'm the smartest person they know. I have done nothing to claim this title, they just see me get good scores at school and suddenly I'm a genius. They don't see this side of me, I am the dumbest thing in the whole world. But I can't lose that image of me.. I hate them for thinking so high of me, I don't want to live by the standards they set. I can't be this character, I can't be anything.. And I lost even more time in this frenzy.
🔻

void sluice May 9, 2026, 7:04 PM

#

I'll get out of the army at 24 years old if I take the better course. Or 21 for the other course. deciding between them means I need to choose what I want to do in my life. I remember some dreams still. Being a climber, a game developer, music producer. I love hiking and camping too. If I go for the better course I'll probably have a good job after the army, in coding and computer science.. And that's what I'll do in life, coding and cyber. Working in a BIG high-tech company or a small startup. The coding skills I'll learn would help me in game development, probably.. Well, although I dream about music production, climbing and game development, it is unlikely for me to find an actual paying job from these hobbies.
I need something to rely on, the longer course will give me a reliable backup plan, so I would never be completely lost, job wise.
Or.. I go all out and risk it all and go for the shorter course, that will set me free from the army 3 years earlier, I will live with my parents until I will be able to make money from my dreams.. I'll concentrate all my time on these dreams and hopefully get a paying job and get a home.
The second option sounds like a great fairytale, but it is so risky.. I don't want to be a liability for my parents.. And I don't know if I could ever truly work on my dreams, after all there's nothing stopping me from working on them right now, yet I don't. What will change then. I am not reliable. I need to play safer.
I'll start working on my dreams through my army service, then through my high-tech job and hopefully will gain enough experience to quit my coding job and get paid on my dreams. Though I will have less time to focus on my dreams, it's basically pushing them to the side, like I do already..
🔹

#

Why everything always needs to be so complicated?🔻

#

I want an advice from anyone, but no one knows of my dreams, all my close friends know nothing about me. Though we do meet up a lot lately, I still feel lonely, because all of my problems are only for my own to talk to.
🔻

#

I miss talking to her, maybe I should finally answer, maybe we could talk about everything, maybe I will be less lonely. Maybe she could give me an advice, everything always become clearer as I talk to others about it.
But how would I even start? I am ghosting her for over a year.. It is not an easy situation. I'll just end up hurting her even more if I happen to ghost again. I am so stupid. Why does she keep sending me texts?

I need to focus up. I won't start talking to her again all of a sudden, this is a ridiculous idea. There is no one to talk to, like always, I thought I got used to it already.

dreams dreams dreams, life would be a heck easier without them, seems like their only purpose is to hurt me. I need to choose.
🔹

#

I like coding, I like to learn, to overcome difficult logic problems, the better course would give me a way more fulfilling job in the army, and working in the high-tech could be fun.
It won't be a bad life, I'll continue working hard on my dreams on the side and hopefully get the job I want, and if I can't, I'll just stay at the good job I'm at and won't be a liability for my parents.
Also, I could always go for risk it all option after my service ends, just 3 years later than if I would have takend the shorter course, maybe it's not that much big of a deal as I make of it..
But if I choose the shorter option I could never go for one of the best guilds in the army again, and get the experience all skill from it..

I need to think more, about everything.
🔹

#

I’ll trap myself in a safe career and abandon my dreams.

or🔻

I’ll gamble on my dreams and fail and become a burden.

#

It's time to choose it's time to choose🔻

#

It's only three years more, I'll have a better service and be stable financially. It could also give me the money to fund my music production, game development crew and climbing trips.. It might be better.. yet I don't know what time would be left for those goals. I'll just end up comfy on the office chair and become like my parents.. I can't I don't know.

The longer course might be the better option.. I need to eat something before making this decision.. and drink some water.
🔹

void sluice May 10, 2026, 3:21 AM

#

fluck! I need to decide, they can call any moment now..🔹

void sluice May 12, 2026, 11:28 AM

#

I chose the longer course. I need to choose the safer option, it's rare to make a living out of these hobbies and as of right now I don't seem to make any progress.🔹

void sluice May 12, 2026, 11:45 AM

#

Today I had the final exam in mathematics. Before the exam I talked with all of my friends, they seemed kind of lost and scared from the test, then, for a quick moment I noticed a girl walking by, I don't know what it was about her, but the thought of her lingered.
The exam went great! I got out of the classroom and waited for my ride to finish the test too. Then someone called me from behind, I turned and saw that same girl from before. She asked me if I do 5 point on math. I do. Then we talked about the test, and about the study programs we are in and a little about what we want to do in life.. we talked for an hour. I never saw her before in my school.
I loved talking with her.
🔸

#

I always get a pain in my chest from stress. while talking to her and still now, I felt something similar but it wasn't stress, it was positive, I guess it is "butterflies" or whatever it's called.
I rarely find anyone attractive, I barely catch feelings, she is an exception.
🔸

#

I don't think I have the guts to do anything about it. Even if it's the last time I'll ever talk to her, I enjoyed the time I had. I hope she makes her dreams come true, I hope she will chase them until the end, I hope she won't end up like me.
I finally felt alive after a long while. I thank her for that.🔸

void sluice May 13, 2026, 7:42 AM

#

Yesterday just kept on being great, my friends and I went to the beach, swam, kayaked and what not, then when evening came we went to one of my friend's house, her family probably has the most wealth in my area, they have a huge house, a big pool and a sauna. We made dinner then went to the sauna.
🔸

#

I have never been to a sauna before, it was hell, I felt like something is trying to kill me, it was just too much hot. Afterwards we went to the pool, talked a bit more and went to our separate ways. Yesterday was fun, I just hope today would be even remotely as good as yesterday.🔸

void sluice May 14, 2026, 6:34 AM

#

Yesterday was bad, I'll try again.🔹

void sluice May 14, 2026, 7:36 AM

#

why do I always need other people to pressure me into working, why can't I start on my own?🔻

void sluice May 25, 2026, 8:52 PM

#

I feel hopeless, but what's new..🔻

void sluice May 30, 2026, 8:03 AM

#

The things I do are beyond my understanding or my wanting, I wish to be in control.🔻

void sluice May 30, 2026, 6:42 PM

#

Why am I unable to run away?🔻

void sluice Jun 1, 2026, 5:59 PM

#

I wish for anyone to truly care about me, but I know it is hypocritical of me to want this, as I don't really care about anyone.
Or maybe I do care but I just don't express my careness at all. And maybe some care about me, but as I do, they don't express it.

I wish I could do things all alone, it's annoying to rely on others, it's annoying that I need their attention on some level.
I have proved countless times that on my own I can't get out of this situation, but I don't know if with others anything will change in that matter. Maybe I was just destined to stay stuck this way.

It's annoying to think of what I could have been. All those possibilities, I killed them all for this thing to take place. I know it wasn't my deliberate decision, but still.. I can't help but get mad about all of this.

At least in some way, I managed to solve the attention problem. It helps in times like this, when I am alone for days. But this method takes a toll on my mind, It wasn't my decision to operate this method, it just got built in as my loneliness grew.
Those fake scenarios in my head, those fake conversations and people, they give me attention. But I am afraid I don't really choose when those fakes begin. I could try to work and suddenly I'll get zoned out..

There are additional ways to fill my attention hunger, this diary is one of them, writing for those ghosts help.
I am managing to fill my hunger without talking to a single real human.

I don't know how to get out of the situation. I feel worse with each day. I am afraid some damage will be permanent.

Goodbye ghosts.🔻

#A closed window▫️