#The Fall of Icarus

2490 messages Ā· Page 3 of 3 (latest)

visual quartz
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have you tried putting his face on a dart board or punching bag?

edgy dove
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She would've made me even more mad if she got with one of the good looking guys tho

edgy dove
visual quartz
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i'd recommnd buying a gel tactical dummy and imanging it's him but i'd get banned

edgy dove
visual quartz
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have you tried contacting him?

edgy dove
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Nah he blocked me. Probably because of my ex spreading all the rumours about me hurting her, which I didn't do

visual quartz
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genuinly pmo

edgy dove
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She probably did it with her ex before me too. She told me he abused her and shit. I got her to give me his number and I messaged him and when I revealed who I am by showing him a photo of me and her together (I hate myself for doing that), he said "I know her.." and then he started telling me she was lying and that I should leave her. I should've believed him.

visual quartz
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cus in canada they'd do something if she's really hurting you mentally and you can prove it to them

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not sure about australia

edgy dove
fair blade
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hi guys

edgy dove
fair blade
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yup

edgy dove
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Welcome to the journal outlining my fall

fair blade
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thanks

visual quartz
edgy dove
visual quartz
edgy dove
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All I have is our limited discord chats which I used on my laptop when my phone needed charging

visual quartz
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you can perhaps use those

edgy dove
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Which has given me some evidence against her showing that she was never scared of me and that she knew I'd never hurt her because we had a conversation about her yelling out or making jokes that I was abusing her whenever I'd poke her or tickle her in school

visual quartz
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but im no lawyer

edgy dove
visual quartz
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just some random high school student in canada that knows basic canadian law enough to argue against a student taht doesnt know law

visual quartz
edgy dove
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Yeah

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Thanks for the advice

visual quartz
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u play roblox?

edgy dove
visual quartz
edgy dove
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I have an account but I don't have the app so I don't play

visual quartz
edgy dove
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Yes

visual quartz
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yo

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i have ein crazy idea

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ai powered bee hive

edgy dove
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Interesting. Why is this in my cent journal tho lol

edgy dove
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My best friend responded!! I'm hoping to hang out this weekend with them

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They've been busy with work and a school Christmas party

edgy dove
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Job searching and I found a job online that my ex would've loved.. fuck there's so many reminders

edgy dove
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Yknow, if I'd never quit karate and jiu jitsu, my life would be so much fucking better right now. Instead of watching YouTube every hour of the day, I wouldve been working our and doing karate and impressive shit throughout high school. I probably could've gotten a better girlfriend from it than my crazy ex. But no. Instead I was a lazy little shit and chose to quit so I could sit on my laptop all the time and study and watch YouTube and read books. There's a guy I know, one of my friends. He looks similar to me, only slightly shorter. The biggest difference between us is that he's great at basketball and a pro black belt in karate, and got good marks in his exams, while I'm unimpressive at literally everything. If I wasn't such a lazy kid, I'd be the best version of myself right now.

velvet veldt
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It is not

edgy dove
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I was a high belt when I quit. If I go back I'd have to start all over again from the bottom and I can't do that

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Besides, it's quite a bit of money

terse berry
edgy dove
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Yeah. I was just talking about it here because I was thinking about how different things could've been for me.

edgy dove
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My mum chose to have a talk with me because the best friend that I'm going to meet with this Saturday is technically a girl. Despite the fact that I'm not attracted to them in that way, and that their last relationship was another girl, and that their pronouns are they them, my mum still felt it necessary to ask if me and my friend are "just friends". She then changed the subject to open up a second point later on about how, when I meet new people at a job or maybe even uni next year, I should get to know someone for at least 6 months before deciding if I want to ask them out.

terse berry
edgy dove
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Yeah. Just irritating that she doesn't trust me after choosing to go out with my ex

edgy dove
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I suspect my ex is in the server and occasionally reading what I send.

civic jackal
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you're not alone hugs

visual quartz
edgy dove
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I agree. And I think I know who it is

edgy dove
edgy dove
civic jackal
edgy dove
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She looked good.. at the formal I mean..
Stunning, even.
But I can't think of her like that anymore. She hurt me, and that fact doesn't change no matter what she looks like

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Why did I ever feel a connection to her in the first place? Why did she always draw my eye, even tho I'd never seen her before? I used to think it meant I was supposed to be with her, but now? What did it mean..? Was I supposed to be in a relationship with her? Was I supposed to have my heart broken? Was this a canon event or something?

edgy dove
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Driving tonight, the memories of my emotions during our breakup started to leak through my facade. My wall.

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Stupid tears

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Did you know that scientists don't know why we as humans produce tears from sadness? Tears are usually for physical pain or when something is in our eyes, but for some reason, it happens to us when we're sad. So weird.

visual quartz
edgy dove
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I think my parents are suspicious of me for my best friend being a girl

edgy dove
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It's because, for me and my exes first date, I told my mum that she was just a friend so that she wouldn't embarrass me or anything. She saw through the lie immediately but didn't say anything until I admitted she was my gf. But yeah. Now I'm paying for that lie from both parents.

visual quartz
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to hve a best friend whos a girl?

tardy peak
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shut the fuck up yo

vocal tundra
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??

spring shore
edgy dove
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Lol I went out for the morning and that's what I came back to

edgy dove
edgy dove
visual quartz
edgy dove
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This evening, on the way to look at a possible car to buy, I brought up a topic that had to do with my ex and her lies to the cops. At the end of the conversation, my dad called her a word that I probably can't say here (starts with S and rhymes with hag), and he's completely fair for calling her it, and I agree with him, but in that instant I felt angry with him for saying that about her, despite agreeing with him completely.

undone stone
vocal tundra
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Maybe he meant F

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Unless sag means something rude

dry quiver
undone stone
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Oh

undone stone
vocal tundra
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Slag? Whatā€™s that

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Wait, what does slag mean?

dry quiver
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Like whore

vocal tundra
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OMG

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Thatā€™s going into my vocab now

vocal tundra
dry quiver
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I believe slag is a UK slash Irish thing

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I can't wait for the linguists to correct me

vocal tundra
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Well Iā€™m an American so I was quite confused lol, never heard anyone say Slag so I doubt anyone here where Iā€™m at would understand me even lol

edgy dove
visual quartz
edgy dove
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Yeah I know. I was just concerned that in that moment I felt angry at him for calling her that

edgy dove
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Yesterday was so much fun. I hung out with my best friend for like 6 hours and i laughed so much. It was the most fun I've had in months.

edgy dove
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Can't wait for the next time we meet up

plush drum
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I have similar story but i dont have any partner and i am a male getting bullied

edgy dove
plush drum
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I am new to discord

edgy dove
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I know, but I don't quite understand how you managed to navigate to my specific journal

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If you want to vent, go to #1388372407794008258 and create a new journal

plush drum
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Ya i mean is it bad talking here

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In others journal

edgy dove
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You can talk a bit, about me or my problems or by giving advice here, but it's not really the place for you to start venting yourself. Your venting should be in your own journal

plush drum
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Ohh its very complicated for my mind right now

plush drum
edgy dove
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My journal is for me. The lounge is for friendly chat. And the vent channel is where you generically vent. If you'd like to keep your vent more organised, make your own vent journal.

plush drum
edgy dove
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Sure, but if it gets too heavy, go to #huddle-vent-1

edgy dove
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My own father just implied that I'm pathetic and/or a failure

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He says that compared to the other people my age, I'm being left behind because I spend all my time on my phone or playing pokemon. Every other guy my age is buff and impressive in at least one sport or skill. I'm nothing.

terse berry
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Come on mate. You're still an amazing guy!

edgy dove
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Thanks but I'm not good enough irl

edgy dove
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This is just curiosity and thought, so don't worry about me, but I wonder, if I were to die, either by an accident or myself, would my ex care? Would she be sad or would she be happy?

serene void
edgy dove
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No

velvet veldt
edgy dove
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Of course I do

edgy dove
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I don't have a life.. I just sit here and doomscroll and watch my favourite youtubers. I have no job. My friends rarely reply because they're all busy with real life. I'm a chronically online loser

edgy dove
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I'm fucking hopeless

velvet veldt
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But you probably wouldn't say I'm a loser would you?

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You just want excuses to shame yourself

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Try to be more positive

edgy dove
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My atar was higher than expected. Not high enough for some of the courses I wanted to get into, but higher than what I thought it would be

undone stone
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Good job!!

edgy dove
edgy dove
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I'm a loser with no life

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I have no hobbies

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Nothing to do

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I'm pathetic

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Really I am

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Everyone in my family knows it

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I want to cry so fucking much

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But I cant

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And I wont

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I'm supposed to be almost 18, not a whiny little 6 year old boy

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Everyone that's called me a loser or someone without a life is right

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I allowed myself a small expression of my sadness by slamming my workout mat or whatever the fuck it's called, however by doing so, the straps that normally keep it rolled up whipped me across my arm so now there's a large number of swollen red marks on my forearm

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I enjoy nothing except talking to friends online or irl, especially irl because I have great times. Other than the occasional meeting with a friend at a store or something maybe once every 6 months, I have nothing

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My dad is more of a practical man, with hobbies like working on engines or playing guitar. My hobbies are either video games or non existent. He hates that I'm such a fucking loser

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He hates that his only son is pathetic. I know it.

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I'm a worthless son

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The tears come, yet back I force them. Away with ye, sad tears of hate.

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Everyone would prefer if i were like the popular idiots at my high school. Parents, strangers, girls, myself, maybe even my friends. I'm a skinny pale mediocre fuck that can't make anyone happy. Whereas everyone would prefer me to be strong, tan, confident, popular, and into practical things like building a house or fixing a car. Rather than whatever pathetic shit I'm into.

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Fuck now my arm is stinging

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I deserve it for being so pathetic and useless and mediocre and worthless and lifeless

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Oh and another thing, you'd think that because I'm so pathetic physically that I'd be a genius nerd that is great at everything mental

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Fuck no

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Just mediocre in the head too

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Nothing excellent about me

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Not good enough for anyone

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Not family, not myself, not society, not possible romantic partners

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I want my stupid fucking tears to fuck off. I don't want them.

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No wonder she fucking abandoned me

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I'm conflicted. If she's here reading my journal like a stalker, should I address her directly? Should I tell her what I feel about her now, or should I just keep pretending she isn't here

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Tf are you talking about, you sad fuckface Icarus?

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Ignore me

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Yet another thing wrong with me, I talk to myself even in text

terse berry
edgy dove
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Part of me is glad that I don't have a new girlfriend. That I probably won't get a new girlfriend ever. Because I don't want girls to have bad experiences with me. I'd prefer for them to go be with someone 10x better than me, rather than be stuck with Mr medicore dumbass icarus

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I don't deserve love. Not while I'm such a mediocre disappointment to everyone that my life touches. To deserve love I'd have to become a whole new person and be actually good at things, and actually have a life instead of being such a sad loser

edgy dove
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I'm so weak. I hate myself

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Everything about me

edgy dove
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I'm so pathetic

edgy dove
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I miss her voice telling me how great I am.. I miss hearing her call me "love"... even if it was a lie or the truth, it still made me feel amazing. Like I'm perfect. But now, all I can feel or think is how flawed and imperfect I am

edgy dove
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I have dark bags under my eyes all the time

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No matter how much sleep I get

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They've been there for years

edgy dove
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A metaphor has appeared into my head just now

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Think of me like a building

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Somewhat secure but in need of repair

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Then came along my gf

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Like a construction worker renovating the foundations

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But instead of strengthening them

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She tore them down and replaced most of them, bit by bit, with her own foundations

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These foundations required constant work and maintenance by her in order to keep standing

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Then when she left and effectively abandoned me, betraying me, everything holding me together failed and collapsed

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Before her, I was calm and had fun. With her, I was calm and had even more fun. After her, I no longer enjoy things. I have no life. It takes a lot to make me laugh. I'm uptight. I'm angry most of the time.

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I'm disgusted by what I've become

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By what she turned me into

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By what I'll probably always be

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An unattractive loser with no life and a repulsive irl personality. The only reason you huddlers reading this think I have a good personality is because this is online, not irl.

edgy dove
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Nothing is going right for me. I can't get a job. I can't get a car. My final mark was mediocre and probably not enough to get into most uni courses. I feel depressed all the time. I feel useless and worthless. I feel ugly, especially when I need to wear my stupid fucking glasses.

edgy dove
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I'm a loser..

edgy dove
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Everyone ignores me

edgy dove
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I zoned out just now, reliving the memories of mine and my exes first 2 dates. Maybe we took things too fast, but that was probably because we would see one another every single day for school anyway, so it was only technically a first date. It was the first time I ever kissed her. The first time I ever kissed anyone. Now it just hurts me thinking about it. My first kiss, my first love, changed and altered by her neglectful and abusive birth mother into going back to her and lying to me about it. Leaving her foster family behind. Leaving me behind. The second date was more personal than that, but it was as memorable, if not then more, than the first date. Both were in that library. It was fun. A lot of firsts for me. Now I'll probably never get to experience anything romantic ever again.

edgy dove
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I got an offer into a uni.

edgy dove
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Science course

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I'm going to do microbiology

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And cells

velvet veldt
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Do you like science?

edgy dove
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I like biology

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Not so much chemistry or physics

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Idk if anyone truly likes me here

velvet veldt
edgy dove
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I have a car now

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Which makes me feel both happy and sad

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Happy, for obvious reasons

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But I'm sad because, one of my plans for once I got a car, was to take her to a drive in cinema and just enjoy the time together. Everything reminds me of what she used to mean to me and what our plans were..

edgy dove
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I feel more mature socially and emotionally than most other guys my age, but for I still look like and talk immaturely sometimes

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Anyway

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Merry Christmas everyone

edgy dove
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Realised that the date i start uni, 6 march, was mine and my ex's anniversary. Fuck.

edgy dove
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I've realised that maybe I never should have cried in front of her or on a phone call with her. Maybe it altered her perception of me and made me seem weak

velvet veldt
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Move on

edgy dove
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Can't just snap my fingers and move on and stop thinking about her

edgy dove
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Ima have trust issues if I ever find someone else, which is unlikely. She's destroyed my trust in others

edgy dove
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I'm so tired

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Stayed up too late last night

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And now my dad wants me to go on one of those fatherly 6 hour side quests to get car parts and mess with a car

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Yay..

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He wanted a son that likes working on cars with him but instead he got me

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A disappointment

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I disappoint everyone I know eventually

velvet veldt
edgy dove
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That's the purpose of this place, is it not? To vent? If my constant ranting is irritating, unfollow my journal or something

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It's certainly better than keeping it all pent up in my head and giving me a headache

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Better than pointlessly sobbing

velvet veldt
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I'm asking because I care

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And was wondering if you actually feel better when writing this

edgy dove
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Sometimes yeah

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Most of the time

velvet veldt
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Good

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I just thought that maybe it could be bad for yoyt

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You

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But it's up to you of course

edgy dove
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Whelp I feel empty again

edgy dove
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My physical weakness is getting to be a problem

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My dad had me practice taking off and putting back on the wheels of my car

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I struggled to pick up a fucking wheel for longer than 5 seconds

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I'm pathetic

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Every other guy My age is strong enough to do shit without being incompetent

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No matter how many pushups I do, I'm not getting any stronger

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I can't go to a gym because it's both too expensive and because it's too far away. I'd have to get dropped off by my parents, which is embarrassing, and when I'm able to drive on my own, it'd also be expensive in terms of fuel to drive to a gym, as well as the cost of the gym membership

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It's also too expensive for me to get equipment

velvet veldt
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It just makes it easier

edgy dove
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It takes way longer to work out without equipment

edgy dove
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I can't stop comparing myself to other guys.

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My looks

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Are not good enough

edgy dove
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If I were to ever get in a relationship ever again, which is unlikely, she'd just see some random guy on the street that looks better than me and she'd probably realise I'm pathetic and she could do better. Every girl could do better than me

uneven oasis
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Option 1 - use all the self hatred, anger, pain and depression to fuel urself to the point where no matter ur circumstances, u push urself physically and metally to the point where u are content with urself

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That option is only for the willful and for some people at the end of the journey u realise it was all for nothing

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Option 2 - learn to accept that some people are better than u at certain things like looks, athletic ability, smarts, social skills, wealth etc and realise that all of that is meaningless if u arent truly happy.

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Or my option

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Option 3 - accept the things out of reach while reaching out with everything u have for the things that are achieveable. This is in my opinion the best because u can become content whike striving for more and thats the best way to deal with envy.

edgy dove
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Today my sister and family friends have basically revealed that they think I'm closeted gay. And some people here don't seem to understand why I'm frustrated that people think I'm gay, so let me explain. It's like if everyone that knows or sees a gay man instantly assumes and is convinced that he is straight, leading to other gay men not being attracted to him. That would obviously cause loneliness and frustration. It's the same for me, except I'm straight and most likely all girls assume I'm gay. I hope that explains it adequately

civic jackal
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your sexuality is none of their business. i honestly donā€™t know why they care. itā€™s weird.

uneven oasis
edgy dove
visual quartz
visual quartz
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your a very cool dude

edgy dove
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While I was driving with my dad he gave me a talk about how I should put on more muscles. "No one would mess with you". I'll try to do what he says, but I feel like he's implying that I look pathetic and easy to manipulate/use/pick on/push around.

edgy dove
edgy dove
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I'm trying to enrol into my uni course and my fuckijg head feels like it's going to explode and I feel like I'm having a tiny panic attack

edgy dove
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Fun fact: I feel disgusting. I keep seeing memes and videos of glow ups or just random guys and it just shows me how ugly I must look to people. Maybe my face is somewhat ok, but my body is inadequate. It's all just smooth pale skin. No visible muscles or anything. Nothing to look at. Just pathetic flesh.

uneven oasis
# edgy dove Fun fact: I feel disgusting. I keep seeing memes and videos of glow ups or just ...

Hope ur ok man but if u truly believe ur ugly or skinny, are u gonna weep or do smth abt it. Its ok to be bad mentally but its not ok to let urself stay bad mentally. If its mucles u want, bulk and work out. If u think ur ugly, fix ur diet, get a hairstyle that suits u and do some cardio. U also have to consider the fact that hating on urself isnt gonna achieve ur goals. Its not good for u and will only drag u down. 1 last thing is comparing urself to unrealistic online standards isnt healthy man. Some ppl are blessed genetically or have been in the gym for years or dedicate themselves to their goals so u cant hate urself for not being perfect. What u can do is go for whats achieveable and stop despising urself. U also got more improtant things than hating urself like uni so js believe in urself and try ur hardest. God bless u and hope u achieve what u want.

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Holy yap mb gng

edgy dove
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There isn't really anything unrealistic about those online standards. When someone looks good online, they get comments saying how good they look. Irl, those people would still make those comments when seeing this person, but in their head or verbally rather than written down. I get ignored. Rarely even a glance towards me.

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I can't just "fix my diet" because I'm 17 and if I want that then I'd have to cook every single night for my family, and I only know how to to cook 3 things

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I don't know what hairstyles suit me because I've had this one since forever

visual quartz
edgy dove
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Alright. Thanks.

visual quartz
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she's 90% plastic

visual quartz
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It pushes this idea that you have to be better than everyone else to matter, or that beauty means being perfectly edited or basically plastic. But thatā€™s a lie. If validation from others is the thing holding you up, it can also be the thing that crushes you.

edgy dove
visual quartz
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Thereā€™s something way more solid about being real and grounded, even if itā€™s ā€˜ordinary.ā€™ Chasing approval is endless thereā€™s always someone richer, prettier, more liked. At some point you gotta step off that treadmill and just be okay with yourself. That kind of peace is worth more than any number on a screen.

edgy dove
visual quartz
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and like what the goat himself fred rogers said

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"There's no one in the world exactly like you. And I like you just the way you are"

edgy dove
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Yet the one person who said that to me abandoned me and lied to me

visual quartz
edgy dove
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I have to go so I'll read it in a few hours

visual quartz
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cya man

visual quartz
# edgy dove Most guys online don't edit their videos or photos. They're just that fit

Sure, I understand where you're coming from. Some men are just genetically blessed with being fit, and that's fine. It doesn't make him better than all the others, it's just how genetics combined with lifestyle work together. But the problem is that social media makes everyone feel like they need to be in that 1%. Everyone imagines that you have to look perfect or be better than the next person to even matter. That's not how life works. Most people don't look unattractive; they are being compared to this small percentage of people who are in such great shape, and it can be damaging.

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Also, I understand what you're saying about how your ex makes you feel. Yes, it sucks when someone you care about (and who you thought cared about you) can just walk away after saying those things to you. But the fact that they lied and walked away doesn't diminish your value at all. When I said, "I like you just the way you are," I meant that wholeheartedly. You deserve the same level of care and respect that I give, regardless of what happened or how you are today. You don't need to change or look a certain way, you are deserving of the same level of care and respect without any edits and without any filters. You also have the same God-given right to not feel like you need to be perfect, as does everyone else in the world.

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Bottom line: Being grounded and real is way better than trying to chase after someone else's idea of perfection. No matter what kind of lies they tell or how good the highlight reels are on social media, they don't get to determine who you are or what you deserve.

uneven oasis
uneven oasis
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I have a good diet

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Gng js eat fruit meat and carbs

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Thats it

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And veg if u really wanna

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And for the hairstyle u js gotta experiment

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Risky but worth it

edgy dove
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My hair does suck, but I've had it for all the years I've been alive (except for when I didn't have hair yet). Idek what I could change it to

edgy dove
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It makes me sad. There's so many people out there having new years parties, dancing, hugging, kissing, whatever, while the fireworks go off at midnight. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting here, on my bed, staring at my phone. I feel like a loser.
-# probably because I am one lol

velvet veldt
edgy dove
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I'm just going to have a shower and go to bed. Nothing else for me to fucking do.

velvet veldt
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Spend time with your family?

edgy dove
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Did

velvet veldt
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Oh

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Then why are you sad?

edgy dove
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Other people my age are going out having parties or to the city to watch the harbour Bridge fireworks. Yet again, big surprise here, I haven't been invited to any parties.

edgy dove
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If I could get my ex on truth serum and ask her every single question I have for her to answer truthfully, I would. There's so many things I need to know. Mainly: why?

edgy dove
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I found myself mention my ex to my parents when talking about how my dog jumps on people. I know I'm not over her because I had to walk away to conceal that I nearly started crying

edgy dove
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Maybe I should change my hairstyle to what my ex wanted me to change it to..

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Maybe then I'll look somewhat good

edgy dove
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My mum's racism is beginning to irritate me

edgy dove
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I wish I wasn't useless

uneven oasis
uneven oasis
uneven oasis
edgy dove
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Yeah but she could've been right that I'd look better with it. Either that or I'd look like one of her celebrity crushes or some bullshit.

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I seriously look pathetic tbh

edgy dove
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I shouldn't have stopped doing my workout. Now my barely there muscles don't exist any more, and I have no motivation to work out anymore

edgy dove
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My body is ugly

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Idk why I'm surprised I get ignored by girls irl

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Why would they ever even look at me when there's way better options

edgy dove
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I feel like crying because I'm a loser with a stupid body, but I know I shouldn't cry because it's pointless and also a waste of tissues and stuff that would be useful for hayfever another day

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I end up seeing guys my age that somehow have great bodies and they show off by wearing tight shirts and all that. Meanwhile if I wear a tight shirt, it's only because it was from when I was younger and doesn't fit my height. It still mostly fits my actual body other than my height. I have the body of a 12 year old while other 18 year old guys have way better bodies. I should've gone to the fucking gym instead of watching YouTube throughout high school. Ugly pathetic fucking stupid loser

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There's no point

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By the time I have a somewhat decent body, it'll be in more than 2 years if I work out non stop every day

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I should've started earlier

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It's too late

edgy dove
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Even my mum has implied to me that I'm a loser with no life

dry latch
# edgy dove It's too late

Hey, I know it feels like it's to late but it's never to late you can always start even now and go to gym or whatever you want it to be get a nice body and be happy about yourself maybe it will be in two years but your still young life is not over I believe in you in two years if you do it you'll have a good body as you said maybe you'll be happy and maybe to that time you'll find a girl who really loves you and accepts you how you are I believe in you I believe you can find one everything can change don't give up your not a loser never life can change maybe you'll met someone tomorrow you never know really and body doesn't matter its better to be kind and have a normal body then rude and have a good body (sorry if I said something stupid)

edgy dove
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Thanks

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A problem with that, is for a first impression to start off a relationship, it's 90% about looks, and 10% personality and everything else. Personality is easy to fake for a first impression. When someone walks past you in public and you find them attractive, it's not because you suddenly read their mind and personality. The first thing everyone looks at is physical appearance. It's why I don't even get glanced at. Meanwhile there's random guys my age, in public or online, that get unashamedly stared at. I am, indeed, quite pathetic looking. What's the point of me being confident and asking out a girl if I'm not even looked at? Just an distraction to be moved out of the way of the view of some other guy. Great now I sound like my personality is shit too. I sound like an incel. Fucking wonderful.

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Excuse my swearing if it offends anyone, for I will continue to do it šŸ™ƒ

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I also apologise if any of that sounded aggressive or like I was arguing with you, it wasn't intended that way, I was providing my thoughts

wispy scarab
dry latch
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Your personality is good, it's yours it's unique how it is.
Looks are maybe important yes I understand but not everyone is looking at looks, like to be honest I would rather have a normal looking person then a build up muscular person that acts though or whatever I know I know but many of these muscular boys get pretty girls I think am right with that and they sometimes do have 2 other muscular friends too so they sometimes just go to other boys and leave that one when he gets boring and if your normal looking you'll maybe not have a girlfriend for some time but if you find one you'll have a much higher chance of it being true specially if she's like you personality I meant so maybe it's better to wait for that one person to come that special person for you then looking at these muscular people like half of them have new girlfriend every year atleast here or they don't maybe but they for sure won't get a family when they can't find that one person if they keep changing it doesn't it won't lead to a family(sorry am probably saying stupid stuff just my thoughts about it)

edgy dove
edgy dove
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However, I'm not normal looking. I look like a skeleton wearing pale skin, and a flabby stomach sometimes. Other times its somewhat ok

wispy scarab
edgy dove
edgy dove
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I hate my body so much

edgy dove
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It's quite odd how my legs seem to be covered in a layer of fat that conceals the muscles beneath it from running and riding a bike, until I actually strain my leg muscles. How tf am I supposed to just make it completely muscle without being hidden by fat

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Then there's my skeletal torso and arms, which look really weird with my kinda broad shoulders and oddly long neck

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It's like my body is a mismatch collection of random states

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Idk why I'm saying this

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To sum up what I've been saying all day, and many days over these last few months:
I feel pathetic, inadequate, and ugly. I feel not motivated enough to make myself look better. I feel too scared to change my haircut. I feel that it is too difficult for me to change my habits that seem to make people assume that I'm gay. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of hopelessness, and despite there being islands and floatation devices within sight, I am too weak to swim over to them and help myself.

edgy dove
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I take back what I posted and deleted earlier today. She hasn't won. I won't let her win.

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I'm not yours any more

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Get out of my head

wispy scarab
wispy scarab
edgy dove
edgy dove
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I'm chronically online lol

edgy dove
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I should get a punching bag with a photo of my face and body printed on it so I can punch myself

edgy dove
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I was doing well. I had barely thought about her all day, until now when I looked at her discord profile

edgy dove
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One of my friends finally replied to me last night. Its cos she doesn't use her school laptop much anymore and that's what she has discord on, so I understand now

edgy dove
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I'm 17, so how the fuck are there boys between the ages of 14 and 16 taller than me and able to grow full beards? I look younger than them except for the 30 year old looking wrinkles on my forehead. I can't grow a beard, just the barest amount of facial hair as if I'm 14. I'm almost 18 yet I have the body and appearance of a 13 or 14 year old while 14-16 year olds are looking how I should be

edgy dove
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Hmmm I keep getting paranoid

edgy dove
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I think I've realised that I'm scared of being in a relationship. Well, more like scared of being betrayed again in a relationship. So now I'm basically scared of developing feelings for any girl irl, for example friends that are girls, or previous classmates that, then again, I'll probably never speak to again. Besides it's not like anyone would want me too, so there isn't really any point to it, is there? Just like how pointless celebrity crushes are. It'll never happen so what's the point of having a crush on a celebrity?

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That's now my thought process about any type of crush. I don't have one. I won't have one for a very long time.

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Thanks a lot, my bitch of an ex girlfriend

edgy dove
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Well shit.. I seem to have been given another offer for a different uni as well. Now I need to decide between them

velvet veldt
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It's ok though

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I'm just kidding

edgy dove
dry latch
edgy dove
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Maybe. I feel really unmotivated

edgy dove
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Thanks. That was really necessary

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Just drive the nail deeper

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Thanks

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Definitely needed that

lyric pewter
edgy dove
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Nah it's alright

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I didn't really mind, I was just bored and being sarcastic

undone zodiac
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Sorry, tough this was a place to vent

edgy dove
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...

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So you went, instead of the clearly named #huddle-vent-1 , into my specific journal

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How has this happened twice

visual quartz
edgy dove
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Yeah

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Anyway

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I had a dream last night

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Basically me and one of my friends had to search for things with certain letters or something in their names, like objects or animals or people's names, and it was like a video game going between worlds as levels, and at one point we ended up in an area similar to inland Australia. There was a puddle with a salamander on it, but when it moved, there was an inland taipan (one of the deadliest snakes). It lunged at me and continued to chase me and it felt really real, but then the world changed and I ended up running through my high school with that thing chasing me. I ended up spotting several people I knew, including my ex, off in the distance. She spotted me running in her general direction and changed direction, running off to the side to avoid me. Blah blah blah eventually the snake bit my foot a couple times but didn't pierce the skin and it felt really real so I was actually concerned I got injected with venom šŸ˜…

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The thing that has stuck with me the most is that she finds a way to enter every dream I have. It feels like she's tormenting me

edgy dove
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My neighbours were having family time or something in their backyard. Haven't seen some of them in a while. Haven't talked to any of them in years. The reason this is a bit of a big deal for me is because one of them is slightly older/younger than me, I've forgotten which way it goes, and her younger sister told me that her older sister has a crush on me. This was back when we were kids. We haven't spoken since, and barely seen one another since, despite being neighbours. I tried to see if any of them were looking at me, maybe saying hi or waving, but I need glasses, so I didn't end up waving at them. And besides, what's the point. Even if her sister was telling the truth, that was 6 years ago. Things change. She's probably forgotten I exist. Hell she probably has a bf that's 10x better than me in every way, or a current crush at her high school that is way better than me. I have no hope

edgy dove
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Be feeling invisible when I walk around in public šŸ”„

undone stone
edgy dove
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Facts

edgy dove
undone stone
edgy dove
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I don't think the problem is my clothes tbh.

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With clothes, I just put on whatever I see and there that's my clothing for the day or next two days

edgy dove
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My 22 or something year old cousin is in the pool with his gf. We have similar hair colour and facial structure but it's like I'm the cheap knock off of him.

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He's way cooler and better looking than me.

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He enjoys working on cars, so my dad probably likes him more than me too

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Fuck I'm pathetic

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I wish I were genetically blessed to look good

edgy dove
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I'm so inferior

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My constant negative statements probably frustrate the friends I've made here. Since the advice and stuff you give doesn't end up helping me much in the end and I keep thinking these things

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But how am I supposed to feel

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It's been months since the breakup and I still feel almost the same

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Nearly nothing has changed

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I still feel empty

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Inferior

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Weak

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Useless

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Pathetic

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Ignored

edgy dove
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This will probably piss people off here but I don't think I'm masculine enough

edgy dove
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I know my ex is reading my journal now

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I'm 99% sure

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Because her newest username is essentially saying that I need therapy, and it appeared after my huge rant in here

edgy dove
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One of my rabbits is going to die soon

edgy dove
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Before graduating, I signed up for something from the organisation that runs my school and various other schools nearby, for a "community after graduating". The way it was described sounded like it would be a way to reconnect with old classmates or simply talk to fellow new graduates from other high schools. I haven't received any emails or anything from that organisation.

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Such a load of shit

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Everyone else has lives and I dont

edgy dove
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I'm a loser

edgy dove
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I sit here day after day accomplishing nothing

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I can't get a job while freaking 14 year olds are able to get a job just by asking if someone's hiring

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I don't have any hobbies

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Last night in the shower my brain started to drift towards "hey maybe I don't look that bad. Maybe I will be more confident" and instantly something in my head said no and killed that train of thought.

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Idk why or how

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Oh I also feel like I'm not masculine enough. Most guys both my age and even younger are more muscular and masculine than me. I'm skinny and talk weird sometimes. I can't grow hair across all of my lower face, just my chin and under my nose. I'm really inferior

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It's probably why people keep assuming I'm gay

edgy dove
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Chat I have bags under my eyes

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Permanently

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I look always tired

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Yet another unattractive quality in me

edgy dove
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One of my applications got back to me. I wasn't chosen

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Probably going to be the same outcome for all the others

edgy dove
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I'm so lonelyyy

edgy dove
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I'm going to avoid saying anything in here anymore

velvet veldt
edgy dove
# velvet veldt What's wrong?

My ex is somewhere in the server, and since it's a public server, even if I figure out which one is her and I have her banned, she can just rejoin in another account. And I don't want to leave the server, so idk what to do

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Leaving the server would probably solve everything

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But I'd miss everyone else

edgy dove
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I wish I didn't put the damn server tag in my profile for a week. If I didn't do that, then she would've had no idea I was in here

edgy dove
visual quartz
fair blade
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tuff

edgy dove
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Such a meaningful contribution

edgy dove
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All the advice I ever fucking get is "love yourself" or "be patient" or "don't compare yourself to others" or "be yourself". That's not how I work. I can't love myself if I know for a fact that I'm not good looking enough and not impressive enough. And yes I do know this for a fact.

edgy dove
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Damn I wish I was hot

edgy dove
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I'm not worthy of even looking at a girl. How am I supposed to compete? No one wants me. Girls will never truly find me attractive because there's always going to be someone better than me. I can never be the best at something. I can never be good at something without some other guy being a master at it and 10 other things. Nothing about me would ever be good enough for a woman to love. All she'd have to do to get disappointed is take a walk to a grocery store or shopping mall. She'd see so many guys better than me and realise "well what the fuck am I doing dating this stick insect of a boy"

dry latch
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To be honest i think and i belive that a girl will look at you will love you for how you are and personality, not looks or what your good at. And i belive that one girl will think you are the best for her not some other guys

edgy dove
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Looks and skills are what matter

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Even if I somehow manage to get a date, there wouldn't be a second one

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I'm plain

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Nothing about me stands out

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No girl wants that

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Every girl i talk to doesn't care about me in that way. I can tell. I'm always just a friend and nothing more. I'm unwanted but nice and sometimes funny so I'm kept around sometimes as nothing more than entertainment

edgy dove
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Damn I wish I was attractive

edgy dove
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To Be attractive enough to get even looked at like I'm a man would make me happy. Instead of getting looked at like I'm an annoying 13 year old boy skeleton

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If I were good looking then I could be cool and popular and not alone

edgy dove
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Third wheel

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A spare

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Useless for a bicycle

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Or a 5th wheel

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Useless for a car

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Or a 7th wheel

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Useless for a truck

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Just

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The

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Odd

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One

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Out

civic jackal
# edgy dove If I were good looking then I could be cool and popular and not alone

as someone who is considered attractive, itā€™s still lonely. i was considered ugly when i was a teenager. but i changed how i look. but now people assume i have a boyfriend and friends. or they assume i know iā€™m pretty. and theyā€™re too scared to talk to me. itā€™s your personality that matters more than your looks. if someone was good looking on the outside but ugly on the inside, i would not wanna talk to them. i donā€™t really have any friends. but the only way to make friends is to put yourself out there. i know itā€™s hard. but you have people in huddle. you have me. always.

edgy dove
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I have friends but I don't have a gf and probably never will.

civic jackal
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donā€™t say that. you are putting yourself down. looks arenā€™t everything and the right girl will see that. it just takes time to find the right person. iā€™m having trouble finding a boyfriend. a lot of guys in the past treated me like shit. itā€™s better to be single than be with someone who doesnā€™t treat you well. dating is hard rn, but youā€™ll find someone.

edgy dove
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There's no certainty that I'll ever find someone. It's a very rare and unlikely event. There's no guarantee for me. For others that have more experience with that stuff, it's a guarantee that they'd be able to find someone out of the blue to date, but to me, who only ever had one ex that wasn't even attracted to me and was manipulative and a liar, it means nothing. She didn't count. I might as well still be the sad lonely little 16 year old I was before I met her. I know no one wants me based on how I'm looked at or talked to.

civic jackal
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youā€™re 18. you have plenty of time to date. but you have to put yourself out there and make the effort.

edgy dove
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Sure, I have plenty of time, but the feelings will never be mutual. All that time will just be wasted

edgy dove
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If girls wanted me, then I wouldn't have to be the one messaging first all the damn time and then getting left on read or delivered or ignored for days

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I'm just an occasionally funny friend and nothing more

edgy dove
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Wtv

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Fml