#Into the Void

1 messages · Page 2 of 1

dreamy sun
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I was pretty hurt by the fact that none of the people who claim to be my friends spoke up about it

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they know what happened, they know what she did to me, they know what it turned me into

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they knew the person I used to be

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so why

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why aren't any of you saying anything!?

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Welcoming her back like nothing happened at all

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well, at least one friend seems to be not responding to it

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I am kinda worried that they will give into it too

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I already feel like I'm alone.. but knowing that all my friends would welcome her back and move on leaving me to suffer more is just.. it hurts. It makes me feel even more isolated than I already do

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but, I guess her being back doesn't change what I plan to do

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I still planned on dying anyway, so what's the point in stirring something up about it now

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if anything, it just further confirms my new world views

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humans are only capable of doing what's right if you compell them to do so

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and what's the point of living in a world like that

dreamy sun
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Decided to check again and it seems she's back to being with her online fuck buddy

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For most of our friendship, he had broken it off with her and she was using me to cope with it

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..

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that sounds pretty bad and it kinda is

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well, I was okay with helping out a friend like that. I just wish they had similiar feelings toward wanting to help me out (or not hurt me)

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but I got used and thrown away

dreamy sun
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there isn't much that's more upsetting than watching people who were my friends make nice with my killer and go on without me

dreamy sun
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I kinda danced around the topic with one of them in VC today

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I didn’t get anywhere close to my true thoughts but they do understand my.. discomfort with her return

cerulean magnet
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like is killer metaphorical or real?

dreamy sun
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Though, I view it quite literally

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Because of everything that happened to me, the person I was is no more

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dead

dreamy sun
dreamy sun
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she will hold the most blame for that and she knows it

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wether or not she'll be willing to accept it when the time comes is a different story

dreamy sun
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It’s not often that I find myself in any kind of disagreement with another nihilist but this video struck me as interesting

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He thinks that everything anyone could do is meaningless because on an alternate world you have done the opposite

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Let’s say hypothetically the multiverse exists

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That would not be what makes it all meaningless

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What makes it all meaningless is death itself

dreamy sun
dreamy sun
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Alright I've got a really interesting nugget now

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Damn I'm shaking actually, it's gonna take me a minute to clam down

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or a while

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anyway, it's moments like these that make me glad I decided to snoop

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she decided to talk in one of the servers she's in about her return to our mutual server

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and it seems her way of overthinking things is working out to my advantage

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She seems to question if I'm saying certain things that are targeted at her

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and with the comment she picked out as an example, I sure was

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good girl, how very perceptive of you

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You know, it would be really amusing if we were communicating about this whole thing in a roundabout way

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me snooping on her, her snooping on me

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though with rather elaborate proof in clear text that I'm still planning to kill myself, that would not be ideal as I'm sure she would try to stop me

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not that she has the right

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damn, I'm still having trouble calming down. It's the same feeling I had when she first returned

dreamy sun
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though my way of discovering the truth of all this has been roundabout

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anyway I suppose it would be time to go over what exactly she had to say

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right so this is a safe place, and I don't mind explaining what I think this means

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First about the hygiene, I heard no such things

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Besides, I was showering everyday while I was there

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Though I didn't have any access to shampoo so my hair was pretty terrible I'm willing to admit

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One of the days I was there she cleaned my hair thoroughly

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trying to walk me through a whole routine

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which I would've probably listened to, at least a little

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She had me doing more than I was before

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I was obsessed

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Feels really weird saying that

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can't change the past

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secondly, behavior

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I was trying my best to be as close to her as possible

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Admittedly, I was dipping my toes in the water to see what I could get away with

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This went no further then hugs (which I only started doing after she gave me one first), trying to rest my head on her shoulder, and in general sitting close to her

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Did I want something more to happen? Yes, of course I did. I went into that trip prepared for that possibility. But I was not going to make a move like that or say anything about it. Instead if she wanted it then I'd let her dictate things

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She knew where she stood with me at that point. And I had a rough idea of where I stood with her

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I had previously been rejected (even though I wouldn't have agreed to go out at the time due to religion) because I thought she was still hung up on her long distance fwb

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I believe that to be at least part of the truth

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anyway back on topic

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she told be to stop doing certain things, and I did no questions asked

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but

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I was pretty bummed out about it, it makes sense

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I needed time to recover, but assuming that's all it was and there were no hard feelings around it I believe that could've been possible

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It would have been better for us if I had that time alone to do so

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i.e. this didn't happen while I was visiting

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so why do I hate her so much?

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I don't hate her for feeling a certain way, I don't hate her for taking issues with things I did

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I hate her for hiding the truth from me and discussing things that should've been brought up to me behind my back to people who were our mutual friends

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if you have a hygiene issue, bring it up to me. Maybe I'm not aware that something is a problem and if I heard from someone I loved deeply then maybe I'd be willing to fix it

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if you need to vent to other people about your frustration, please do it to people I don't know or your therapist or something idfk

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but having to hear the line "he made me so uncomfortable I felt gross sleeping in my bed at night [that he sat on]" is just

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it shattered my very soul

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I took that to mean that I'm disgusting, and the other people I've spoken to about this do not blame me for taking it that way. How else was I supposed to take that?

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side note on the whole hygiene thing I did hear from a former friend of mine that she had issues with my feet smelling? Bit odd but the only thing I can think of that would've caused that is not changing out my socks as often as maybe I should've

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given that I was showering daily and part of that was scrubbing my feet with soap

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sigh, whatever

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not to mention this whole thing is made worse by things she continued to do after I left and things she neglected to tell me beforehand

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lets start with what she didn't tell me

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I learned from a mutual that she was made uncomfy about the trip (which I hadn't officially booked reservations for yet) after I was pushed to confess my feelings to her

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here's the funny thing about that

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I POINT BLANK ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED TO CONTINUE WITH THINGS

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and what did she tell me??

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do whatever you want

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and don't make the decision based on what I want

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or rather, what I thought she wanted

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so I made the flawed decision that she would be disappointed if I called it off, and deep down I wanted to see her too

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but I also wanted our relationship to last, whatever that ended up looking like

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When I later learned from the mutual that she was made uncomfy, I confronted her about it

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I gave her yet another chance to come clean and be honest

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what did she do? try to deny it

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I went back to that mutual and got undeniable proof of it

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she knows I have it even though we never spoke directly about me having it

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so there's that

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then when I came back, she just wouldn't shutup about bad mouthing me (venting about her issues with me) to whatever mutuals we had that would listen

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stuff she said included

-not liking how I wiped food on my clothes (instead of using a napkin)
-saying my feet smelled bad
-admitting to staring at my crotch and getting creeped out by me getting hard
-being to close for comfort

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Do I take issue with her doing any of this? No, not really. People observe people and judge the things they do all the time. She does it, I do it, hell your fucking cat does it

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What I take issue with is her sharing such highly inappropriate information with others

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like.. weird enough you are staring intently at my dick

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why the fuck you gotta tell people about it

dreamy sun
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so in short her lack of setting boundaries (before it was too late and despite being given plenty of opportunities to do so), her speaking about private issues to people she shouldn't have instead of addressing them with me or people I don't know, and her repeated disregard for my pleas to stop instead continuing to speak to others about things is what caused me hate her

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or all of this combined with one final thing I learned, that I actually shared in here many months ago when I first learned this

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I shared a very private thing with her, one I realize now I shouldn't have

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Basically there was a day I got a black eye from getting an elevated heart rate and passing out

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what was I doing? well.. I was (nsfw) ||jerking off using mental images of us engaging in sexual activities||

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don't worry, didn't describe it in detail. Just enough to get the idea (unlike somebody LOL)

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At the time my decision making abilities were impaired because I was way to high on the "love drug"

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I totally understand being creeped out by me saying such things

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but why

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why on god's earth

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would you go telling one of my friends this shit

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well, we stopped being friends by that point for his involvment in making things worse somehow

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but that's a story for another time

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he's a.. very special cookie

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anyway combined with all the information I had learned that revelation is what finally led me to hatred

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Before that point only a few people had the title of being people I hated

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Ironically, one of them is very good friends with me now

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even being able to relate to me in ways none of my other friends really can

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I wish I did better by her back then

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She might've even wished harm upon me just like I wish harm upon the person who hurt me so badly

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And honestly? Maybe I deserved it

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Anyway I used to only hate 3 people

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My father, this now good friend of mine, and my childhood bully (they were a real piece of work)

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After learning what she had done, my heart (or gaping hole in my chest where there should be a heart) came to know hatred once again

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I hated her

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I hated my former friend for being a hypocrite and acting with malice towards me

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I hate my mother for all the things she's done

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I hate my father for enabling her to do what she did by being a bad father and husband

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There are some friends of mine I bear ill feelings towards for transgressions they've done towards me and my friends

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but I'm not sure if I would call it hatred or not

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honestly, it doesn't matter cause I'll be dead anyway and it will be on them to figure things out not me

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but yeah

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this is the pain I live with everyday

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one last thing before I go

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it seems we have both decided to put up with each other for now

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at least in text chat

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I DO NOT intend to VC with this woman

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dear god so many things could go wrong but let's just leave it at I'm not ready for that and I may never be

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but yeah we are talking to each other.. odd as that is

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would be the first time since July I think

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I wonder if she has any deeper intentions behind sparking conversation with me

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like maybe trying to mend old wounds, get me to soften up or something

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I won't outright deny that as a possibility someday, but that's a longshot of a longshot

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After all my current philosophy is "anyone is capable of anything"

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either way I have no intention of mending things between us, and plan to continue leaving more crumbs for her to pick up on regarding my true feelings towards her now

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I've calmed down, very good

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and just in time to sleep

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whew, this was long but very necessary

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I guess it's a good thing I joined this place after all

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anyway, sleepy time

dreamy sun
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Goes without saying that since she’s more of a presence now and with her now talking about me openly, I will be snooping a lot more often

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I already went on my whole why I hate her thing yesterday, no need to repeat any of that now

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But I find it interesting that when framing it to others (that I can see), she’s made it about hygiene

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Very fixated on my comment about how “I am painfully aware people are judging me and I just don’t care anymore”

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Which to be clear, back then I would’ve cared. I’d have cared a lot

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But now I don’t because that’s the depression talking

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The nihilism

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I no longer care because now I intend to rot away like trash and die

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That’s the cruel cycle of this world, taking good people and turning them into trash to be disposed of

dreamy sun
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@buoyant marsh this’ll be what you’re looking for. It goes back a long ways (August), you can go back as far or not as you want. There’s another one where I talk about more mundane things if you wanna find that

buoyant marsh
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yea i just spent the last half hour reading

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anybody who reads this, i was the high school friend who was obsessed with our mutual friend (i had undiagnosed BPD, which should make sense to anyone who has it)

dreamy sun
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heh, how amusing

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There's more I have to say but I still haven't found the time

dreamy sun
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Takeaway being parrots are better than the entirety of the human race

dreamy sun
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It seems like we will have more development today, aside from what’s happened over the weekend that I haven’t gotten to yet

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I left my room to see that my mom left a 4 page note outside my sisters door

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I skimmed through the first page and had a look at the last one

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The first page seemed like rambling gibberish

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And the last page she signed off with “I hope you have the heart to forgive me”

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I decided to take photos for myself to read through later, though it seems I may get to read it or at least hear about it from my sister but I’ll get to that

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I go downstairs (house to myself today yatta) and see on the dining room table she left a journal of hers open there

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I believe she intended for at least some of us to find it which is.. interesting

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I took photos of the whole thing to decode later (her handwriting is hard to decipher cursive bs)

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When my sister woke up and found the note she became really upset and proclaimed how much of a bitch my mom was

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So it seems they had a bad fight or something, bad enough for my mom to know she was wrong (rare)

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I’m currently out buying my sister Panera and will sit with her while she eats. More to come after that I imagine

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Side note I’m quite upset and the rest of my siblings for seemingly feigning indifference

dreamy sun
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Slight edit it seems like one of them is offering good support to my sister so that’s nice

dreamy sun
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making her sit alone by herself as I once did makes me feel such malicious joy

image.png
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she's been there for at least 30 minutes

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I hope she overthinks the fuck out of nobody showing up there

dreamy sun
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lololololololo

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suffer and be alone bitch

dreamy sun
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She sat alone for about 2 hours before finally giving up

dreamy sun
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not if I have anything to say about it dumb bitch

dreamy sun
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Well, it seems like she was referring to another place. One I can’t see. Or maybe a DM call with her fwb delusion

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Cause if it was our server she probably would’ve showed up and bothered people to join her

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Ah well. As much as I hope she suffers like I did at least she can stay away from my friends and not continue to taint my life anymore

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Hanging out with people to keep someone else away as a motivating factor is pretty fucked up

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I do care about these people though. They supported me through all the crap I was going through

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Well, most of them anyway

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I believe that mod does care about me to some extent, but he still completely invalidated my feelings of nihilism and wrote off everything as pointless drama

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Well, friend groups kinda operate in the same way family units do

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Some family members are gonna hate each other, and it does fall on everyone else to figure out how to navigate that

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Regardless of wether or not my actions kept that bitch away, I still had a good enough time hanging with them

lunar yoke
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No matter what please don't think you're not important or not deserving or anything pessimistic. 🩷

dreamy sun
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Well I did believe myself to not be as good a friend to hang out with as she is which had me conflicted for a bit, but I can be fun to hang out with it seems so that’s no longer a point of contention for me

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I guess.. idk it’s making things more bearable. Like in the end I still feel very alone despite being around them which I feel a bit bad about but when looking at what got us here it makes sense

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I can sense my survival instinct trying to delude me into thinking I can keep living like this. Not the first time it’s happened and the feeling will likely wear off eventually just like it has every other time before this

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I did think about something today. Objectively, improving my situation should be more important than worsening others

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However, I would feel much better if justice was served to those who brought all this harm upon me

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But I won’t get that. Death is still the best of both worlds. I can be at peace and my death may lead to increased suffering for those who deserve it

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But then there’s the people who don’t. I’ve always justified that by saying that it would cause me more harm to stay alive than it would cause others if I died

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But.. I wonder if that’s really true now

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I’m starting to think it might not be

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Shit

dreamy sun
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So here’s then another thought: is my need for revenge and peace greater than my need to not inflict harm on innocents

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And the answer to that question I believe is still yes

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And another thing. While my concern for the innocents is genuine I feel so fake. I fake all the positive emotions I feign in front of others. However, acting on my hatred and getting my revenge would be the most “real” and genuine course of action I could take

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I guess what I’m saying is what would make me feel more accomplished? And as fucked as it sounds, I would feel more accomplished if I killed myself

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As I continue to process my thoughts on this matter, I will share more

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Hope you all enjoyed the daily dose of fucked up shit you signed up for

buoyant marsh
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you know

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the worry of hurting people is my whole reason for staying

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like

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at all

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i believe we're inherently good, or at least decent, as a species. i think we try.

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revenge keeps you alive. in a way. anger keeps you warm at night but leaves you cold when you're dead.

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dying for anger and pain and regret... it might feel like it's worth it, but it's a cold and bitter and lonely end.

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as your longtime friend, i know you're worth more than that

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since what happened to me happened, i haven't felt a shred of real happiness. i'm a good liar. people don't know unless i want them to. but i'm here, despite my body rebelling against me and my brain screaming that death would feel better than waking up to earth-shattering pain of the physical and mental varieties every day. i don't know why anymore. i guess i don't need a reason. or maybe my reason is just plain trying to live to get her back. you don't have to do anything but survive and it can be "enough" while you figure it out.

dreamy sun
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Ideally we would all form suicide pacts and none of this would be an issue

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Ideally, humans don’t fuck each other up in the first place

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Or perhaps even more ideally than that we never existed in the first place

buoyant marsh
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I think not hurting each other would be the ideal

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I suppose… ultimately there’s no harm in taking more time to think. If your decision stays the same, you’ll know you thought it all through. If you change your mind, it wasn’t meant to be even if it’s just for a while.

cerulean magnet
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humanity isnt fucked up inherently, some people have done stupid shit they shouldn't have, thus leading to damage that cant be undone, polluting humanity forever

dreamy sun
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Even if it’s not super fucked up shit humans cause harm to each other even when they don’t mean to

buoyant marsh
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sometimes we help each other a bit too, though.

dreamy sun
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Right okay I have some more time now

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It’s incorrect to say revenge is keeping me alive, it’s just the last stage of the events that have been leading me to my death

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Given there’s a specific way I want to do things, there is still time I guess but I’m pretty set on my current way of thinking

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Maybe I was worth more than that, but as void this is all I know now

dreamy sun
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I have decided to spend some class time working on my passwords. I got to my apple one had happened to notice that my mom's number no longer appears in the account (we ran all household devices off of it). Though for whatever reason her device still shows up (I use find my iphone to track her a bit to help me avoid her better). I dunno I just find that a bit amusing

dreamy sun
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Feels weird to be making any kind of plans now given I had stopped doing that altogether

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It’s both good but also doesn’t leave much time for me to work towards my goals

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I’m especially motivated to make sure I show up today at least, cause..

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I’m gonna try to make sure this doesn’t happen. Although, I don’t think I need to worry really since he kinda ignored the question and we’re gonna help another friend troubleshoot a tech issue

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And sure enough she just showed up

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Ah no seems somebody else went to go talk to her, darn.

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And another.

dreamy sun
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Ok so that lasted maybe 30 minutes and now she’s spent 4 hours alone by herself while the rest of us are having a grand ol time

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It’s so delicious I’m loving this

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Ah I spoke to soon somebody went to go see her

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Ah well, she can still overthink the hell out of none of the others showing up

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ah he left to join us instead so I guess he got bored of her

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huh, maybe I am more fun to hang out with after all

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though to be fair, it sounds like they are getting tired of her obsession with the country her fwb is from.. and her fwb as well

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it was also kinda tiring listening to it back when we were close as well

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I put up with it cause of my care for her is all

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ah somebody left us to go watch a show with her

shrewd tree
dreamy sun
dreamy sun
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Nice vc today. We ended up discussing stuff about me and her and the current friend group situation which was a good talk. I will def share stuff about that when I remember

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Also had some more of my own thoughts worth sharing

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but later, now I am tired

dreamy sun
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Real annoyed, the winter storm has people stuck at home

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I've been cooped up in my room all day and I'm looking at the same fate tomorrow (no work and none for my mother either)'

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I decided to transcribe the note my mom left for my sister, maybe I'll share a slightly redacted version of it

dreamy sun
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Stuck at home tomorrow too. Genuinely gonna kill myself

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Still have to go into university though

dreamy sun
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I didn't go to uni

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and I'm stuck at home tomorrow AGAIN

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fuck my fucking life

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side note I haven't really seen much of that bitch

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there was a channel in the server where we would do all our conversing

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it's dead now that something another server she isn't in has replaced it

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so really, all she's got left to talk to is randoms who wander in

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and the occasional tiny convo she manages to get in with 1 or 2 of the main people

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but, I've gone out of my way to be an everlasting presence in the channel that looms over her

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so that might be weighing on her

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You know, one of them mentioned to me today that she feels guilty for what she did

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I get the feeling he doesn't know what I do, the way she's tried to characterize it to her other friends

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She feels guilty things ended up this way maybe, but definitely not for what she did to me

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no guilty person would do as she has done

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It doesn't matter, I still plan to have my revenge one day

dreamy sun
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Why choose me, why did I or anyone have to turn into this

dreamy sun
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She showed up in the server VC, and none of the other friend group people did. Another job well done

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I spent most the day on a Pokémon card tangent with another friend. I might try building a deck

dreamy sun
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Got to talking with a teacher today.. reminded me how blatantly obvious my mental deterioration was to others

buoyant marsh
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no less than 20 people have looked at me at work and asked if i’m ok in the last 2 days so

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yea chat we suffering

dreamy sun
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I don't know if it was mentioned in here or not but I intended to leave some notes for work

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Main message really being it wasn't your fault, there was nothing you could've done, etc.

dreamy sun
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Bad luck strikes again, I ran into my dad for the first time since April last year

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Got myself signed up for dinner with him tomorrow

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So, I'm going to have to pretend to be Muslim for a day

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He makes good food so that's something. I do prefer his company to my mother's which mostly just goes to show how much she fucking sucks

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I do intend to make the most of it though. I intend to drop a bunch of the dirt that I have collected on my mother

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Of course there will be the understanding that I don't want him spilling what he knows, while I'm alive anyway

dreamy sun
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First of the month

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I always hate the first of the month.

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It means that dumb cunt wants her money

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It also means it’ll be time to get the knife back out. I’m going to hold until the last second though

dreamy sun
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She gave until the 3rd, so I’ll actually be getting out the knife before I go to bed next time

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I’m tired, but I’ll try to write more sometime soon

dreamy sun
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In a few minutes blood will be running down my arm

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Like I said, waiting until the last minute. I am making a point of waiting until the last possible second

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So 11:59

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It’s done.

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I don’t feel pain

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Or stress

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Or anything at all

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Just nothing

lunar yoke
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Heyyyy?????

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What did you do?? Please be safe..

cerulean magnet
lunar yoke
dreamy sun
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Oh I mean I’m not sure what there is to explain. I said I’d cut myself and I did. It wasn’t much, it’ll be healed in two weeks or less I imagine

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I’m doing it whenever I pay my mom rent. I used to do it for stress but it hasn’t been stressing me out as much lately. Now I’m just doing it along with subliminal messaging that I hope my mom picks up on what I’m doing

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Rather, I want her to suspect and be bothered by it

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If you go through my post history she at one point figured out what I was doing

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That’s cause that cunt went into my room and tried taking my shit

dreamy sun
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I may have potentially fucked myself

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What’s the one big thing keeping me alive (or rather from killing myself sooner)? My work. If I lose that my time will become much more free to pursue my designs and I’ll have enough money to last me for as long as I need

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I’m not sure it’ll get that bad but who knows, I may get in some trouble for this

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So what did I do? Basically weird shit with how I’m logging my hours

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I get 28 a week. I have a class that takes me out for 4 hours each week. I don’t clock out for those and instead I make it up by working extra hours. So 5 day work weeks

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So long as my hours check out, I can get by undetected. However I fucked up my plan and forgot to clock out when I was supposed to.

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So it shows up at 28.25 in the system instead of 28. I thought about sorting it out with by boss.. but I kinda don’t want to and I’m hoping it goes by unnoticed

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There’s a chance work finds out and gets mad about it later, or they don’t, or maybe decide not to care for one reason or another

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I have decided to let things play out however they will. It’s not like any outcome of this will matter a whole lot in the end to me anyway

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The reason why I do it this way is because if we get an unexpected day off and lose work opportunities, I can just make up the fibbed hours the next week

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Time will tell how this goes but yeah, was low key stressed about it until I decided to play it this way eventually

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It is so like me to kick all my problems down the road

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Cause well.. working off the mindset I might not be alive to even deal with them let alone care if I do get that far

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Alright good talk, rambling over. Back to work now

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A am a little curious to hear from the peanut gallery on this one, how do you think my boss and/or work will respond to this? I have a fairly good relationship with my boss and work in general. I’ll answer questions

lunar yoke
dreamy sun
#

You would know

#

After all, I can speak freely here without fear of real life consequences

#

The only place I can do that

lunar yoke
lunar yoke
dreamy sun
#

I still plan to, but it’s some time away before that can happen

#

Oh I guess it is worth mentioning that due to rumors I’ve heard of ICE soon to be starting an operation in my state I will be getting myself a firearm. Just need a good recommendation and time to take care of it

lunar yoke
#

You may hate me and that's okay.

dreamy sun
#

I don’t

#

I hate people who knowingly cause harm to others

#

Which is.. a lot of people actually

lunar yoke
#

Same here

dreamy sun
#

I am all for inflicting suffering on those who dish it out to others

lunar yoke
#

100% samee

#

They deserve it

#

Not innocent people

#

Nor should victim blaming happen

dreamy sun
#

And it seems like a go to for people who cause harm

#

Or rather trying to garner sympathy for themselves

#

Like oh feel bad for me instead

#

A good few people in my story have done that

lunar yoke
#

Those kind of people. Omg they're annoying.

dreamy sun
#

Revisionist history as well

lunar yoke
#

I got tired and distanced myself from her and even left that high school. Outta nowhere in my college she started spreading rumors about me to my friends.

lunar yoke
dreamy sun
#

I was quite angered by how my former crush was talking shit to our other friends. Things might’ve not gotten this bad if she never fucking did that

#

Well, there’s a lot she could’ve done to avoid this outcome but nevermind

lunar yoke
dreamy sun
#

@buoyant marsh you should turn on the notifs for this loser

dreamy sun
buoyant marsh
#

been lurking all day wym

lunar yoke
dreamy sun
lunar yoke
dreamy sun
#

My mom left me energy drinks outside my room today. It’s useful but still doesn’t change the fact that I hate her and it weirds me out

dreamy sun
#

She’s like an Australian weaboo and it pisses me off reading some of the shit she says

#

I think she gets the picture now. The chat has been very quiet the past few days which is strange for a group that was sending over 1k messages a day at its peak

#

She even commented on it. Surely she suspects there’s another server out there

#

Also had a short conversation with a random that she has friended that allowed me to remind her I’ve been fucked in the head for 9 months

#

And I will take every opportunity I can get to rub salt in the wound. It would never be enough, never come close to what she did to me

#

I got more I can yap about but as I’m sure you’ve all noticed I just kinda randomly talk about what’s on my mind at the time if I feel the need to come in here

#

Odd to think that my vent is probably one of the biggest ones on here currently. Things used to be so much different here when I first joined. Almost all the people I talked to in the beginning are gone now. Not that it really bothers me since I don’t form connections with people like I used to, just an observation of mine

#

Think the thread got taken down but I remember seeing one that sounded like the guy killed himself

#

Well my dear readers, that will be me someday

#

I just hope that when the time comes the mods won’t delete my thread

#

The information contained within here will be invaluable to people once I’m gone

#

Also, I really need to stop putting off the glorious work that must be done

#

I have suicide notes to finish up, and uh homework lol

#

If I haven’t mentioned it already, I do intend to make redacted versions available here for your reading pleasure

#

Who knows, maybe someday you’ll get to meet and hear from my friends

#

Well.. the ones that didn’t contribute to my state now anyway

#

Or perhaps you will

#

We’ll see how I choose to handle that

dreamy sun
#

Well uh I learned some interesting stuff today

#

Also I need to remember to write things down in here so I can reference events better after they happen

#

Was telling somebody about the shit with my sister

#

I suppose I’ll start with the stuff a certain reader will be very interested to know

#

I’m also going to start naming names for making it easier to track what’s going on go some current and possible future readers

#

Today I had a pretty good conversation with Ashton about U.K. politics

#

I don’t know why but we somehow ended up bringing Joseph into the conversation

#

For those who don’t know this is one of the villains in this story I’ve discussed at length and the one responsible for the scar on my right arm

#

Well.. she (Savannah) has some blame in telling him some very sensitive stuff that she shouldn’t have, so in a way she’s also responsible for it too

#

I mean.. I didn’t go around telling people private shit she told me

#

Like how she admitted to jerking off a dog (I believe when she was 14, she’s now 19)

#

Still don’t know what the fuck would possess someone to do that but.. sure

#

Getting off track here

#

Right so me and Ashton were talking a bit about the final interaction I had with Joseph and what led up to it

#

I knew Ashton and Joseph continued to play some marvel rivals together after all the shit went down but Ashton told me how bothered he was by how much Joseph antagonized me and has gone out of his way to limit contact with him, or so he says

#

Ashton.. keeps some not great company around because of his need to socialize. He doesn’t have very many friends it seems (especially irl) so cutting people out would cause harm to his mental health which I can sympathize with.

#

It is because of that I assumed he still hung around Joseph just to have somebody to talk to, even if he thought of him as shite

#

To hear that he was limiting contact with him because of taking issue with how he treated me was.. nice to hear

#

Making sacrifices for you principles can be hard sometimes, so it makes me happy that he did that

#

Although, he didn’t cut off contact completely which is where we get to the interesting bit

#

Ashton told me that Joseph had gotten in a relationship with somebody who had BPD. I (regretfully) have talked to him about stuff with Chrys (my BPD friend) and Adam (our friend, her ex) and how messy that got (not in detail I think, but definitely surface level)

#

I mention it because he should have had some idea of what to expect getting himself into a relationship with somebody who has BPD

#

So, how do you think it went?

#

Well she had a mental crisis at some point, as you do.

#

I don’t know what it was about, nor does it really matter

#

How did he respond to his girlfriend going through it?

#

If your answer was he pulled the exact same shit he did with me on her then ding ding ding, you’re correct

#

That’s right I’m told he used the exact same play book. Offered support in the beginning and when his best efforts weren’t enough, he lashed out at her calling her a needy bitch

#

I’m told their breakup was.. quite messy.

#

It sucks to see (as far as I know to be) innocent people being harmed by the shit he is pulling, but I do feel vindicated knowing the prediction I made for his social life is being proven correct

#

That prediction being that he will continue to engage in behavior that pushes people away until he is completely alone

#

And when he does, my spirit will be there to torment him

#

Side note I’m surprised a fucking loser like him was even able to pull anybody at all

#

I am not surprised to see he fumbled it though, he has a maturity level comparable to me when I was.. gonna say 10 but no 10 year old me might have been more mature than him (he’s 21) which is fucking pathetic

#

So it might go beyond maturity and just that he’s a fucking loser

#

The final thing I’ll mention before going to bed is about Zain, another character in this story

#

He has gone mostly radio silent after shit went down, given he was pretty heavily involved in it

#

For those who don’t know or if I didn’t mention it before, he was the one responsible for feeding into my initial worry that something was wrong between me and Savannah.

#

Savannah had started saying pretty nasty stuff about me to him, and he had the bright idea of leaking it to the rest of the group and eventually I became aware of the things being said

#

Don’t get me wrong, he is very much not blameless in what happened here. He did some stupid shit that he shouldn’t have

#

I do also recognize the impossible no win situation he was forced into by Savannah

#

Does he tell me knowing I’ll spiral, or does he keep it from me knowing I’m living lie?

#

Well, I do think I would’ve put it together eventually. And that bitch Savannah has so much trouble keeping her fucking flabby mouth shut that I believe she would’ve said something to someone else anyway

#

Either way, if I was in his position I would’ve allowed myself to live a lie if it was possible

#

If I was happy, who cares if none of it was real

#

So.. despite his mistakes I still think he’s a good guy

#

He at least wasn’t acting with malice, like some of the other villains in this story

#

So enough about him, time to get into our conversation we had

#

To which Zain responded basically saying oh yeah funny you mention that

#

The chat got a little excited at hearing that, to which he continues:

#

Some needed context, he’s Muslim

#

I responded by saying:

#

Hopefully you caught onto it but this was intended to be a dig at Savannah who rushed into a relationship that ended with her fucking a dude in a bush after talking to the guy for like a week or something, then immediately ghosting him afterwards after being made to regret her decision

#

Was in a park in the capital city of her country by the way 💀

#

Low key kinda hot I guess.. but let’s not be acting like rabbits and using our brains a little people blobfacepalm

#

To be clear I didn’t mean in an NTR kinda way I meant it if I were to end up in a similar situation kinda way

#

Oh right I’m pretty sure she blew that guy on the first or second date so.. that’s also crazy work. Even when I was mentally stable you’d never have caught me fucking a girl I just met (even with religious restrictions turned off)

#

Anyway kinda side tracked that a bit much, back on point

#

Zain responded to me with the following:

#

I responded to this with:

#

Our convo ends there for now but I would be beyond shocked if he doesn’t reply at some point

#

Time for more context cause you’ll need a little more

#

Cal is Khalil, the best friend I stayed with during a month while things got really bad (you can read more about it if you are new, August 2025)

#

He got into a long distance relationship and was trying to figure out how to play within the Muslim rules as much as possible while still pursing it

#

If you caught it, the line about people desperately needing work and people possibly getting hurt was a dig about both Savannah and Joseph (even though he’ll never see it)

#

The friend who shared the meme that got this interaction started stated that he intended to stay single for now, replying to my comment about people needing work

#

To which I decided to use that as an opportunity to further make Savannah uncomfortable when she inevitably reads all this

#

So there you have it, a look at the interesting things that happened in my day today

#

I’m gonna go dream about being mentally stable in a loving relationship with my hot gf while we do unspeakable things to each other behind a park bush (probably not but I wanted to sign off this way for whatever reason lol)

buoyant marsh
#

as your resident BPD friend i feel really sorry for that poor girl

#

I feel sorry for unmedicated/undiagnosed me but that just happens. My first therapist wasn’t willing to even consider the diagnosis and look where we areeeeee…

dreamy sun
#

I don't know what became of her nor will I probably ever

#

I know enough though. Countless unamed people suffer through the cruelty of this world for seemingly no reason at all

#

I forgot to mention last night that when speaking about my last interaction with Joseph that when going over it with Ashton we were in agreement that was really stupid of him. Joseph picked a bad time to do it, but there is a possibility that he could've picked a worse time. If he had picked just the wrong moment and I had just the right amount of access to things, I would undoubtedly be dead right now

#

Remember, there was a point in time where I didn't care about any convoluted plot and my goal was simply to die as quickly as possible (with the most guarantee of success possible)

#

Point being that stupid motherfucker should've realized that antagonizing a suicidal person is not the move and could've easily resulted in my death

#

Another thing I forgot to mention last night

#

I said he pulled the same shit on that girl that he did with me

#

He put in a bunch of effort in a short burst up front and when it wasn't going anywhere lashed out and gave up

#

Well, with now multiple similar experiences under his belt I hope he gets it drilled into that fucking empty head of his that sometimes your best effort is never enough and never will be

#

Enough said, I didn't really want to go much into him today

#

It took some time but I finally got Zain to finish that conversation we had started the previous day

#

Zain:

#

Responding to me saying, "I also do believe that some people desperately need to work on themselves before even entertaining the idea of a relationship. Failing to do so could get you or someone else hurt."

#

Responding to me saying, "I’ve always thought you to be a good person with a good head on your shoulders and still do."

#

Some people were going in on him a fair bit for his involvement in my situation

#

And honestly I wasn't too happy with him at the time either and made sure he knew that

#

But with time and the power of retrospection, I feel bad for the position he was put in more than anything

#

Like I said before, he for sure made some mistakes that at the very least allowed things to get worse more quickly

#

But he is not directly responsible for my pain, Savannah is

#

speaking of there are some comments between all of us that I'd like to share

#

speaking in the channel at the same time as her is.. weird

#

We generally try to avoid speaking directly to each other instead kinda like dancing around each other to talk to other people

#

Anyway hmm what interesting things did she mention

#

Oh yeah she was speaking to one of the guys (I'll mention him by name later if I feel it necessary) about her ex boyfriend that came to visit her country

#

I don't recall them speaking about it in the text channel so that tells me they are in private communication, possibly on the regular

#

Can't say I like that or feel the best about it but I don't give a shit

#

If I can't be bothered to continue living for my friends then who am I to try to police their friendships

#

I wouldn't try even if I wasn't, but I probably would mention it makes me uncomfortable if a good time to bring it up ever arrived

#

Jumping back to Zain for a second

dreamy sun
#

I honestly don't know how much the situation affected him personally aside from just the general damage it did to the friend group

#

Either way I suggested we catch up sometime

#

I did hint to him that I wasn't Muslim anymore and he seems pretty distraught about that

#

Savannah to Zain: "Low key too many things have happened, I've been able to have 5+ crashouts, a failed relationship, chronic sleep deprivation from working night shifts at the airport and who knows what else, all since the last time we had a chat"

#

That tells me they haven't really been in communication since shit went down so that's interesting

#

It still angers me that she was more concerned with not the terrible things she said but who the leak was

#

what a nasty bitch istg

#

Point being their relationship was damaged because of what happened

#

since she lost trust in him and all that

dreamy sun
#

like I think not even a month in or something

#

She could've taken a lot of lessons away from the shit that went down between us, I'd think one of them would be to pump the breaks on shit like that

#

but no

#

Also it seems he got attached way too quickly

#

Like telling her he wanted to impregnate her

#

Yeah uh.. as hard as I fell for her it took me about a few months to get attached to the point where I was picturing a future together

#

I sure as hell was not saying creepy shit like that

#

So I'm willing to admit that as idiotic as she was, he also seems like a piece of work to

#

Now I didn't mention this I don't think (maybe I forget), but from snooping I did a while back I did learn that she had gone to spend some time with her ex boyfriend in the capital city of her country

#

which uh.. sure was a choice

#

I think they might still be friends? I really don't know

#

The people she was talking to in one of the servers I snoop in about were all kinda jumping her for how much of a moron she was for meeting up with this guy

#

Decided to check messages

#

God, it's still so damn eye rolling how much she forces herself to sound Australian

#

Oh I acutally did find something amusing

#

She got this ring sent in the mail that she suspects was given to her by her ex

#

She's creeped out by it, fair but also I find it funny because fuck you

dreamy sun
#

Decided to check the past few days of messages in the other server, nothing of interest

#

I find it funny how she takes some messages to DMs to avoid my gaze

#

I don't know if she knows the extent to which I know things

#

Kinda lost my train of thought a bit.. let's see if I can figure out where I was

#

Oh yes going through her teaser catch up talk with Zain

#

Mentioned her trip to Australia happening in July

#

Hopefully I'll be dead by then, put a damper on that a bit

#

Zain seemed concerned that she was going just to visit her online fuck buddy person dude man

#

Which she said wasn't the primary reason for going, but I know her she's hungry for him

#

Not that I'd be able to reciprocate all that great but.. man would it be nice to be desired like that

#

Fucking hate how the human brain works

#

Oh yeah she did mention to him that she'd already lost her virginity

#

He uh.. didn't seem too surprised

#

Even back in the day if everybody was asked who would've been the most likely in the group to lose it, everyone would've said her lol

#

we will end tonight with this screenshot:

#

I always jump on a chance to doom, and a chance to remind Savannah of the state of things

dreamy sun
#

Hello again

#

I find it funny that everyone got what this guy was saying.. except Savannah

#

so did he, bro called it impressive that she was the only person who didn't get it

#

I had a nice convo with Zain today

#

I am considering asking him to continue watching MHA with me

#

we stopped half way through season 3 right after a super big fight

#

despite everything, still interested to see the story play out at least a little

dreamy sun
#

No time to talk now but major developments are happening 👀

#

Though to temper expectations, I highly doubt this will change anything

dreamy sun
#

Right so I guess it's time to spill on what's been going down

#

Zain and I have tentative plans to hang out now, asked him yesterday

#

that was supposed to be today but I guess he was busy

#

then there's the nuke

#

Savannah reached out to me

#

Our dynamic has changed a bit where now we're not avoiding each other in the public channel as much

#

We had a fairly lengthy exchange that ended with her asking to DM me

#

I.. had a feeling of what to expect

#

I'll go ahead and show you what I got

#

That was sent to me in the middle of the day 3 days ago, it took me until this morning to finally finish making and send off my response

#

I.. haven't really had a lot of energy/brain power to work with

#

caffeine may have a part to play in that (I've been drinking near daily for the past two weeks or so)

#

Now based on what you all have heard about her, you may have been hoping I took this as an opportunity to destory her or something

#

After all, the suicide note I was crafting for her was basically a straight up character assassination

#

(I didn't finish it, but I'll probably need to revise it now to reflect new changes)

#

So before I go into my response, I can kinda disect what she had to say a bit

#

I find it interesting that she even felt the need to ask if things were okay between us or not, cause I feel like a chattering ape could've told you it wasn't

#

I also find it interesting that she mentioned leaving the group out of anxiety, cause dude.. it was obvious

#

Basically she and Joseph kept talking about it in the VC and the others were starting to call them out on their shit

#

So I would say it was more she felt pressured to leave after all the backlash she was getting

#

anxiety still fits though

#

One of my friends is willing to view her actions a bit more charitably

#

And he said it was cause she felt she'd only make things worse by staying

#

and you know what? Yeah that is true

#

Having her be around during the time I was taking to.. turn into what I have become now might've ended with me being dead or something

#

Hard to say when you're dealing with a mentally unstable person

#

I also got the impression that she now wants to try to explain herself which I will allow her to do even though I don't think it accomplishes anything

#

People should be allowed to speak on their defense before final judgement is passed after all

#

So that's kinda the breakdown, we can get into my response now

#

What's funny is I managed to sneak in a subtle dig even if she didn't realize it

#

We both know I'm snooping on her. For some reason she decided not to acknowledge it, though depending on how things play out I am prepared for it to come up later

#

Anyway the dig was the line, " I just hope, if anything, that what happened to me didn't or doesn't happen to someone else."

#

Cause uh based on the snooping I have done.. yeah we kinda did hurt some other people along the way, maybe not to the same extent as me (hard to say) but yeah..

#

A lot of this is going to be stuff you have all heard before

#

The interesting bits are that I decided not to be as mean as I could've, I openly accused her of malicious carelessness/thoughtlessness, admitted to feelings of hatred towards her, and yet still left the door open for reconnecting

#

I still found myself trying to be as soft as possible while not sugar coating anything if that makes sense. I find it pretty humorous that I have any mercy left at all given what I've turned into

#

Cause in here I've described my immense hatred for her in general, and you'll notice I didn't say anything like that

#

I gave it a fair bit of thought before sending and.. I would say what I sent off to her is a fairly accurate description of what I feel

#

(I mean I sat on it for 3 days, no shit I gave it thought lol)

#

By default when we are engaging in just useless small talk or whatever, I'm not boiling with hate the whole time anymore. However if I immerse myself in the war flashbacks.. yeah the feelings of hate do come back

#

I would say that I harbor a grudge since I do still hold her responsible for "my death", the life she robbed me of

#

I think the hate I feel towards my mother is now greater though

#

There's not really a whole lot to say about the accusation I levied towards her, we all know it to be true

#

And it has been described by people in here and others that what she did was needlessly cruel

#

Yeah I guess there's not really much to say about what I said, it's kinda just describing things I've already discussed in here

#

We can end this off with her reply, and thoughts about what comes next

#

So the first thing that probably stands out to you is her saying, "I'm relieved at the thought of you not hating me."

#

I uh.. never said that I didn't

#

In fact I kinda admitted to quite the opposite

#

I would say I down played it, but I don't think I did that either. What I said was as truthful as possible

#

So if she did understand what I was saying, she has decided to latch onto the idea that I don't hate her 24/7

#

Also just.. villian laughing at her saying, "hopefully you can make progress on finding your identity and slowly get better."

#

Cause I feel that I have found my new identity and it certainly does not involve getting better

#

I believe my character development arc to be at its end now, and I have become someone I despise

#

She is claiming that she's been dragging her feet on her own character development (realizing things about herself) which is partly to blame for what happened between us

#

Based on what I have heard from the charitable friend (I think it's time to name drop now so from now on I'll refer to him is Riley), this is actually true

#

Essentially she likes the idea of a relationship but not the commitment

#

or something like that?

#

She just a horny bitch and wants somebody she can be horny with I guess (that shouldn't really be a surprise based on things I have previously described)

#

Point being, she can't handle commitment. Whenever a guy shows signs that he wants to commit, she gets spooked and backs off

#

So thinking back to how things went between us, she was totally cool with having me around and the intimacy that came with, but once I showed up reality hit her that I wanted to commit and she was completely turned off by it

#

(So like if I was a guy that was more her type and wasn't showing signs of wanting to commit, we might've hooked up or something idk doesn't really matter to me now anyway)

#

It's been commented on by many (including myself) that we had full on dating breakup levels of drama despite never having done so lol

#

Anyway, I guess it took multiple failures with dudes to realize that all she really wants is sex, a fuck buddy essentially. Casual shit

#

Which I guess.. it's easy to forget how young she is in comparison to me (19 vs 23 currently). That time in your life that she is going through right now is generally the time where you experiment and figure out what you want out of your relationships and stuff

#

And that can change

#

Hell, it certainly has for me and I thought I had it figured out already

#

So what she or you reading this wants now could change in a year

#

And I guess by that logic so could it for me.. but I kinda doubt it, time will tell I suppose (if I make it that long)

#

Speaking of which you may have noticed that in my note to her I did allude to being suicidal still, I don't know if she picked up on it or not but yeah

#

I guess since what people want out of relationships has come up, I might as well drop my own thoughts

#

Technically I've said I don't want one at all, though the idea of a fuck buddy does sound nice (a friend you have sex with essentially, at least that's how I'm defining it). Cause yeah, I have occasional moments where I be wanting some action, and being able to keep it casual/arms length would be best if I were to ever indulge myself in it

#

Perhaps too much info for you, but well I'm spilling everything in here so get used to it

#

I guess to end she wants to rebuild the friendship

#

I thought I made it clear that wasn't really possible

#

but I guess not

#

Also there's still the part of my that looks for ulterior motives in people's actions

#

And I'm getting a whiff of something ngl

#

I get the feeling she's mainly interested in being reintegrated into the friend group more than she is patching things up with me (if she even can)

#

Cause it would be accurate to say that I am effectively gatekeeping her relationship with the rest of the group

#

I mean.. they be hanging out with me in a space away from her instead of one where she can be cause I'm not down for it so.. yeah

#

It just dawned on me that her last message is sort of fishing for a reply so, I'll need to think about what that looks like

#

I do think the time will come where we call to talk things over

#

but probably not in the immediate future

#

It is not an exaggeration to say that this is the biggest development this journal has seen since I found out my mom was a lying hypocrite

#

I expect people will definitely have things they want to say, and I invite you to do so

#

But yeah once we vc again, I will then decide how to handle things with her for good

dreamy sun
#

I am surprised to have heard nothing considering how big that was, but oh well

#

I have some more

#

I spoke with Zain yesterday

#

we started to catch up, and it started to make some things make sense

#

First thing, my man's is going through it right now

#

As in it seems like his parents are getting a divorce and the scumbag uncle is trying to take a bunch of money from his dad

#

so.. he disappeared last year for very good reason

#

People were also dogging on him a fair bit for his role in things

#

unfairly so in retrospect

#

and while he says that didn't bother him, he did say that he had bigger things to worry about than doing damage control on my mental health

#

or rather, he tried but I wasn't really being receptive

#

cause I wasn't

#

He did say he was bothered that people didn't reach out to check on him when he was willing to do the same for others

#

I can understand that

#

I.. admitted a bit about what my mindset was towards Savannah for a while

#

I remember saying things like I was angry, there was a time I wanted blood, etc.

#

I also admitted that I got 25-30% of the way through writing a suicide note for her and that I was planning to die in December

#

I hope he knows that I said much of that in confidence but oh well

#

it would be a bit awkward if this information reaches Savannah before I have a chance to talk to her myself

#

He mentioned wanting to talk to 3 of our friends about their involvement, and I think he should

#

Cause if I learned anything, it's that trying to bury issues always causes bigger problems later

#

Oh right I got some of his actions explained

#

The main one being why he was leaking info to Ashton that eventually led to everything blowing up

#

He basically said the reason he did it was as a way to communicate with me

#

See, our schedules didn't often line up (without somebody going out of their way to make it so)

#

and since Ashton was around nearly 24/7 (unemployed) he made for the ideal middle man

#

I can understand it

#

Zain said he was a bit bothered by Ashton leaking that info to me, but he doesn't really hold it against him

#

And I explained to him the only reason he did it was because he thought I already knew

#

which he uh.. quickly realized I did not

#

(bro got a front row seat to me spiraling)

#

I guess that's all for now, I intend to speak with him more

#

Then it'll be time to settle things with her for good

#

Also just an update on how I'm doing in general

#

I.. am going to give this new information time to stew

#

I have learned that trying to react too quickly in matters such as this is not a good thing

#

I also do not feel the immediate need to kill myself anymore.. I think?

#

I still plan to eventually make the preperations in case I change my mind or just something happens to me in general

#

the idea of sleeping forever still sounds nice to me, but I'm not super bothered by existing at this moment

#

I dunno

#

kinda giving it some time

#

I've had moments before where my mind tries to trick me into thinking life ins't so bad only to come to my senses later

#

I think I'll leave things here for now, expect more to happen

dreamy sun
#

Remember how my time sheet accidentally went over 15 minutes last week

#

I’m an idiot and allowed it to happen again

#

Since I do every two weeks and get 28 hours each week I’m hoping I can fix it by doing 28.25 this week and 27.75 next week

#

I may not get caught for doing it last week because of the fact I was missing a bunch of hours anyway due to the snow

#

But this pay period I absolutely need to be paying attention to make sure things don’t look more sus than they already are

#

Fuck why do I keep doing this shit

dreamy sun
#

I really should be asleep right now but whatever

#

Gonna suck waking up tomorrow especially considering I have another assignment for class due

#

Anyway, today my mother posted in our family group chat that she had finally gotten the last of the money from her lawsuit against her former employer

#

That.. was a whole saga that started long before I ended up in this place, about 3 years ago if memory serves (it doesn’t)

#

She was a teacher at a local religious school initiative

#

As employment issues with her and the rest of the staff began to pop up, it became clear how corrupt and evil the head guy was

#

He was mostly laundering money, but also made threats against people who were speaking out against him

#

If a hell exists, he deserves to burn there

#

He tried to screw her out of wages, and she finally got all the money back. A long and hard fought fight

#

Also forgot about some of the other allegations being thrown against him and his organization. Big ones include child abuse and failing to report drug use

#

Also the fact the organization wasn’t even supposed to exist as far as the township was concerned

#

But whatever, my mom’s fight with him is finally over

#

She wanted to celebrate

#

And so the rest of the family did that while I kept to myself

#

A different timeline where I could’ve been there with them sounds nice, but my mom did some terrible things along the way

#

So now all I see is a bad person getting money from a terrible one

#

And don’t feel anything about it

#

Though why would I, it’s not like I think anything in this world matters at all

dreamy sun
#

While me and Savannah get on a bit better now, she still says and does stuff that drives me nuts

#

Savannah: gets into a frenzy of relationships and situations that make her realize she has commitment issues
Also Savannah: I know I have commitment issues but I wanna be in a relationship

#

girly.. please stop

#

also it seems she went back to edit her message so now I'm not sure exactly what was said, but it was something like that

#

either way this one has a lot of maturing to do before she should ever even consider the idea of another relationship

#

she wants to have her cake and eat it too

#

she's a horny mofo who wants physical shit, somebody to support her, but she also wants to not feel tied down by the guy either

#

well, I suppose you can find somebody else who wants those same things (or claims to)

#

in order for her to get into something with those wants responsibly and ethically, she'd need to be very open about that. Essentially just be like yeah I want a fuck buddy

#

on a different note with the time for us to talk probably coming one day, I think I'll leave those servers she's in that I was monitoring as a show of good will

#

not yet, busy with other stuff. I will be sure to mention it here when I do though

dreamy sun
#

I guess I can scratch what I said yesterday cause now she’s agreeing with what I said in the chat

#

“Best to sort yourself out before dragging another person into it”

dreamy sun
#

now I have come to rant about something I didn't expect to: college

#

my college class is a constant reminder of how trapped I am

#

forced to live in a world I don't want to, doing things I don't want to, for people I don't want to be doing them for

#

I had a really difficult assignment come up, and I got less than half of it done and not in the exact way the professor wanted it to be done

#

so you bet your ass I'm going to get a terrible grade on it

#

and even worse than that the midterm is worth a shit ton, due in 2 days, and looking at the problems makes me want to blow my brains out

#

I am seriously considering dropping the class

#

Failure doesn't bother me, but why the hell should I continue with it if my fate is already sealed

#

here's the issue though: dropping or failing this class means my slimy cunt of a mother is going to go back to ask for extra rent money dating back to January

#

so now I will have wasted a bunch of money only to still have to pay my mother more of it in the end

#

I'm going to try to figure out if it is worth dropping this class or not tomorrow

#

but even if it isn't, all this garbage just reaffirms that killing myself is the answer after all

#

oh speaking of my egg donor, rent is coming up in just a few days

#

just the right amount of extra stress I was looking for

#

the cuts I give myself take about 3 weeks to heal which I find kinda funny

#

they heal just in time for me to give myself new ones

#

and given all the added stress piling up, I really intend to go for it this time

#

going to try and settle just a bit and get some sleep, but once I sort out all the ongoing projects I have I think it'll be time to continue working on my plans again

dreamy sun
#

I've calmed down a lot, but I still think I'd rather kill myself

buoyant marsh
#

just come smoke some weed

#

weed make everything better

dreamy sun
#

maybe I should

buoyant marsh
#

Not too much

#

You must work in moderation

#

Or you will experience greenage

#

But

#

It’s genuinely helped save me from the worst of my depression

#

I still feel like ass and wanna swan dive off a freeway sometimes but weed makes you feel… distant from it, lets you feel a bit better again

dreamy sun
#

My mom is such an idiot

#

She has to know that coming into my room enraged me

#

So why the hell did she think dropping a letter advertising health insurance was remotely a good reason to do so

#

Bitch I very much do not want to insure my health, and even if I did I don’t need to worry about it until 26 (never gonna happen) so fuck off

#

It almost makes me wonder if she does shit like that just to remind me that she can just come in here whenever she wants

#

God my quality of life would genuinely improve if she fucking dropped dead

#

Then I could ship her sad excuse of a man back home, do as I please in my own house, and no longer need to worry about her trying to control my life

#

Perhaps then I could trick myself into thinking life is bearable

dreamy sun
#

My mother hasn’t asked for rent yet, I wonder what’s up with that

#

I wonder if she’s expecting me to pay on my own, because I won’t.

#

If she tries to pull the crap of asking for late payments, I’ll just tell her no

#

She’ll have to evict me

#

Whatever way this goes down, a knife will definitely be involved

dreamy sun
#

I had quite an eventful day. There's not really much reason to discuss it here though since it didn't bother me at all

#

The only relevance it has to what I'm about to say really is that I came home tired as a result

#

I overheard bits and pieces of a conversation my egg donor and my sister were having

#

In it my mom mentioned how it's been 4 days and I haven't paid her rent yet

#

So she hasn't forgotten

#

I wonder what her game is then

#

A thought crossed my mind. She has texted to ask for rent since August. An argument could be made that she created the expectation that she is to text me to ask for it each month. I have also created the expectation that I will not talk to her unless you torture me into doing so, dating back to before rent started being collected. So if she's expecting me to pay on my own without a text prompting me to do so when that expectation hasn't been clearly communicated knowing full well I won't ask about it, that's unreasonable.

#

Cause I've already decided what I'm going to do. If she just texts to ask for the base amount, fine. If she tries to collect late payments, I will refuse to pay them. I will then force her to either choose between base money, or evict me and no money. As I've said many a time it doesn't bother me a whole lot what happens in that regard. If she chooses to evict me, that does mean a good bit of free time will go towards packing up a move.

dreamy sun
#

Well now I’m not sure what she’s trying to do. I just got the text. All it says is payment is now 5 days late and that’s it. I’m going to proceed as if it’s just asking for base payment. Guess the knife comes out today. Not something I had considered but if the issue gets pressed further I’m gonna get a lot more scratched up this time.

dreamy sun
#

It is done. The cuts are done. Her move.

dreamy sun
#

She is trying to collect late fees, fuck

#

It’s $10 but I still refuse to pay it out of principle

dreamy sun
#

It seems I am still capable of being upset over trivial things

#

I came home from work and napped. When I woke up I was told a serving of spaghetti was left for me. Unfortunately that slimy cunt came home before I could claim it, and when I go to check later sure enough it's gone. It's stupid, it's meaningless, but I wanted it and I'm mad I can't have it. Hell it's not even that I didn't eat today because I did, a lot.

#

I'm already over it, well mostly. Goes to show I am right to hoard food. Cause I can't trust any of these fuckers with it

#

I have bagels I brought home from work to make food with sometime tomorrow. I'm keeping them in my room though cause I know they won't last if I leave it where they can get to it

#

It's possible that the current situation unfolding will lead to me being forced out, but man would it be nice sometimes to just come home and be able to expect food to be there.

#

Speaking of I expect I will wake up to more bullshit from the birth giver since she just loves to get up to shit. And to reiterate yes, I am doing this over $10.

#

My hatred runs that deep

dreamy sun
#

The calm before the storm always bothers me to some extent

#

Knowing something is coming and being powerless to do anything to stop it

#

A thought just crossed my mind. What if she tries to lock me out of my room

#

A childish trick I could easily find a workaround for. I should probably study up on squatting laws as well

dreamy sun
#

Nothing so far, I guess if I don’t hear anything more in another day I’ll take it to mean she’s dropping the issue

dreamy sun
#

Spent the weekend at my neighbor’s grandma’s house. Even though I consider myself an outsider, it’s nice to know that her family doesn’t see me that way. The young ones have already learned my name and started pestering me to play with them

#

I’m now back home. Thought my mom went to bed earlier only to be jump scared by her sleeping on the couch. I wonder if idiot 1 and idiot 2 got into a fight or something

#

I’ll try to find out tomorrow

dreamy sun
#

Oh yeah forgot about this

#

Was unable to find out why she did that

dreamy sun
#

An interesting little bit for you today

#

Today one of my coworkers mentioned he was looking to get rid of his old monitors and asked if one of us wanted it (I assume he was looking to sell not give)

#

I said no of course, I have a 1080p 240hz that I'm currently using. A relic from the glory days

#

He told us he was looking to get rid of it because he recently got an unexpected upgrade

#

Somebody he knows had his girlfriend cheat on him, and so the guy is clearing out all the stuff in their apartment that he bought her

#

The monitor my coworker got was one of those things

#

Nobody here is surprised by this, but my stance on cheating is very hard given my.. history

#

(it is a form of betrayal, and betrayal is something I am quite familiar with)

#

Basically I said to my coworkers that if a hell exists cheaters deserve to burn there

#

Say, let's spice things up and ask chat what they think

#

If you have clarifying questions you want to ask me before casting a vote, go ahead

#

Rule 1: I am going to assume that all cheaters know what they are doing

#

I mean.. I doubt a person exists that would be in a position to cheat and has no idea what that is and why it's bad

#

There are of course levels of severity to this

#

Did they come onto someone or did someone come onto them

#

And even if somebody came onto them, they can still come out the bad guy depending on how they handle it. A niche scenario may exist where somebody came onto them and they come out okay

#

I don't really want to get into the nuances of that (unless somebody wants to discuss it) so we'll just leave it as cheating in general makes you a bad person and move on

dreamy sun
#

to which I responded by saying cheating can kill people (suicide)

#

they responded by saying I had a chance to convince them of my side, but that was the wrong dialouge option

#

I decided to just drop it because clearly my coworkers do not understand this issue as I do

#

Let's break down why I think you should go to hell (with possible exceptions) for cheating

#

When you cheat on someone, you hurt the person you cheat on and you might also hurt other people as collateral damage as well

#

My coworker thinks that if you cheat on someone and they go on to kill themselves or others as a result, you are not responsible for it

#

I 100% disagree

#

If you cause harm to one or more people as a result of cheating, you are on the hook for that

#

Now if the person you cheated on goes on to become a mass shooter or something, I'm not sure it would be fair to say you are responsible for the people they killed. An argument could be made for it though

#

If you give people mental health issues as a result of cheating, you are 100% on the hook for it

#

if the person you cheated on kills themselves as a result of your cheating, it is your fault

#

There's a dark reddit story I heard about such a scenario and the guy responsible for it is fucking evil

#

Now to address my coworker who thinks cheating isn't as big a deal as I made it to be

#

Basically if you think that, then you aren't all that invested in your relationships

#

If someone cheats on you and it doesn't bother you too much, then you didn't really love them

#

But yeah that's essentially my thoughts on the topic, I just felt like sharing. If you have thoughts, please share

buoyant marsh
#

as someone who’s been cheated on and left for someone else on multiple occasions, i am going to put my two cents in on this. you’re speaking on this from a place of anger and unhealed thoughts. which is normal. everyone who’s been cheated on or betrayed deals with the anger. time doesn’t let you forget what happened, but you do gain distance. i don’t wish people were dead and burning in hell for what they’ve done to me. it hurt. i was mad. i’ve healed and earned the scar and now i just don’t fucking care. do i sometimes wish a little malice, depending on the circumstances? sure. it’s human to be spiteful and angry. but while i believe karma comes back around and they’ll get what they deserve, i don’t really care ultimately. my wish for the people who wronged me is that they’ll get what’s coming, no more no less. i could hold grudges and stay angry and condemn them, but it does nothing for me but remind me over and over and over again what i dealt with and the hurt i experienced. opening the wound over and over doesn’t make it heal faster, doesn’t make the scar smaller, and doesn’t do anything but hurt you. you end up with a deeper scar, and then what? you’re out a long period of your life of reminding yourself over and over that it sucked and you were hurt and betrayed? my mom taught me growing up to “forgive, but never forget.” forgiveness isn’t necessarily the exact type you’re used to- it can be forgiving yourself and giving yourself permission to claim distance from the situation as opposed to forgiving the person who hurt you. but you just don’t forget. yes, I think they deserve whatever bad karma comes around to bite them in the ass. cheating is agonizing. and i can agree there’s partial responsibility for things like suicide or mental illness from it, but let’s be real- to develop mental illness the potential was already there, and suicide is a choice at the end of the day. it might be their hands that pushed a person to the edge, but they’re the one choosing to jump. it’s not sole responsibility on either party. it’s complex and multifaceted. so… yeah, it’s wrong and deeply painful, but from a place that’s different from where you are and how you feel, it’s not as severe to me anymore. consequences and karma yes, eternal damnation mayyyyybe not so much unless it’s a serial issue.

dreamy sun
# dreamy sun
poll_question_text

Should cheaters go to hell?

victor_answer_votes

1

total_votes

1

victor_answer_id

1

victor_answer_text

Yes

victor_answer_emoji_name

🔥

#

Oh interesting somebody voted yes. I do wish to reply continue this but I'm a bit preoccupied rn

#

Also funny this happens right when we're having this discussion, but I learned even more regarding the situation involving Savannah and Joseph that some how makes them look even worse (Joseph especially, that guy is.. holy shit)

dreamy sun
#

I suppose now is as good a time as any

#
  1. Leaving someone for someone else is fine IF they have the decency to break up with you first. I do also think you are owed an explanation for your own closure
buoyant marsh
#

hahahahahahah remember high school hahahahahahahah

dreamy sun
#

As much as that sucked, I do believe he had good enough reason. I forget if you got an explanation back then or not

buoyant marsh
#

Eh. I just heard he wanted to date the guy while we were still “dating” and it pissed me off back then.

dreamy sun
#

I did not hear such a thing

#

Though he did end up dating some other German guy or something right afterwards

#

He had fault

#

My impression was that he wanted to break up over obsessive behavior, he was just too much of a bitch to do it. So he started talking to this other guy while you were still dating, and only broke up with you once he snapped

buoyant marsh
#

Not like it matters anymore thank god

dreamy sun
#

at least

#

God is at fault for creating a world where circumstances like that can even happen

#

If one exists

#

(a bit distracted now sorry)

#

As mentioned at length, I go the distance route with people I hate, don't like, have problems with, etc.

#

Though distance is not forgiveness. In these terrible situations I was put into, I did nothing bad enough to warrant needing to forgive myself

#

The only thing I admit any kind of fault for was for admitting to Savannah that I jerked off to her once. Not having done it, that is perfectly normal and understandable. It's funny actually because after conversation I had with people two days ago, I feel even less bad about that now

#

Yes, one more person knows about that now. Bit off topic though

#

I give distance to maintan my peace as best as possible

#

And certainly things would be worse for me if I didn't do that, so that was definitely the right call

#

Though I will never forgive the main people who are responsible for turning me into this

#

I could've had an enjoyable life and because of actions they took I was robbed of that

#

I cannot live in a world where people who cause harm like that get to walk free never seeing retribution for their crimes

#

Perhaps for some they do not deserve eternal damnation. They do deserve to experience the same pain they inflicted onto me

#

Perhaps the person is not fully responsible for the mental illness that may result from what they do. However the remaining fault they do not have can be passed onto god, maybe your parents a little for subjecting you to existing in the first place

#

But you cannot be at fault for something that is out of your control. Your potential to develop mental illness is 100% outside of your control

dreamy sun
#

My comments on the past were not meant to offend. My general assessment is that everyone was wrong, myself included

buoyant marsh
#

i’m a lurker i just didn’t get back around to this yesterday, but if you mean me i promise it’s fine, i’m wayyyyyy over all of that. i got the love of my life to win back, ghosts are inconsequential to me.

dreamy sun
#

Emergency update: I am on extremely thin ice at work it seems

#

If it makes y’all feel any better, I am not the only one I have been told

#

My guess is that means me and Sean since we generally engage in the same behavior

#

Now this is really bad, because if this goes to shit then all of the time that I would’ve been at work will instead be spent trying to kill myself

#

So what did I do? College work on the clock and goofing around with students too much

#

It’s been a systemic issue for a long time. My boss says he kept track of the number of times he’s brought this up at 5 (so a reoccurring issue each year of my employment)

#

All I can say about it is I generally enjoyed the buddy buddy ish relationships I had with students, but work wants that to stop

#

And so it shall

#

Yes I’m stressed about the idea of being fired, but not nearly as much as I would’ve been if I was still mentally stable

#

It is more fear of the unknown than anything. Since my school (now work) has been my whole life for the past 12 years almost it’s hard to imagine what my life looks like without it and that is what scares me.

#

So one of two things will happen

#
  1. I get fried and my death is inevitable
#
  1. I turn into a soulless corporate drone and my death still might be inevitable
#

I guess at the end of the day, it doesn’t bother me too much what happens. However I won’t be able to keep this from some people if it does happen, mostly my family. And that is a nightmare scenario in and of itself

#

I think that’s about all my thoughts on this for now, I guess I’d better get back to it. I may have more to say when my shift ends.

dreamy sun
#

I guess a little more I'll mention. I met with my boss twice today. The first time his exact words were "I am this close to firing you." I thought that meant I was safe in that moment but any little thing would get me the boot. Turns out no, it was worse than that. The second meeting happens and he says one of two things are about to happen. Either 1 I would be terminated, or 2 they would put me on a performance improvement plan. I did the whole thing of oh yes I understand nothing else was getting the message across and you are heard loud and clear this time. When asked if I had anything to say, I did tell him that while the last year has been incredibly rough for me (and everybody knows it), that I generally valued my job and would be devastated to lose it. That whole thing. I basically begged for my job. It was then I learned how fucked I would've been had I not done that. He said I'm glad you said that because the impression I got from you was that you didn't care and I was going to axe you. He told me basically that he will advocate to put me on a performance review but the final decision was not up to him (meaning it was instead up to the superintendent). That was also when he mentioned that others will be as well (I assume this only means Sean because he's the only one who was blatantly disregarding stuff also).

#

During my first meeting, I did mention that I was under a false impression that college work was okay as professional development. He said that would only be approved directly by him, and that college work would certainly not be approved. Well shit, I was pretty reliant on that to get my previous assignment done. (I'm not sure I would've gotten it done on time without it.)

#

During performance evaluations I have had with him previously, he was pushing me to pursue my degree. I think I will make it clear that if I am not allowed to work on that when time allows that it is unreasonable for them to expect that of me. (An argument could be made that it is unreasonable for them to expect it if they don't want to pay for it either, but whatever.) I will perform work duties and that is all.

#

Granted because of personal circumstances I will still need to pursue that anyway, but work can now kindly get off my ass about it.

#

Also the PC building club I used to run. As I have mentioned to others I no longer have the energy to deal with small children nor do I have the level of enthusiasm for the subject matter required. Unless work wants to appropriately compensate me for my efforts, I refuse to bring back the club

#

They have pushed me to keep running it before

#

That stops now.

#

In any event I will learn my fate within the next 12 hours. I'm not holding my breath for either outcome. I will simply go where the wind takes me.

#

I guess to circle back to begging for my job

#

I didn't really lie to my boss when I was giving my short speech, however it seems to have left him with a more positive impression of me than is accurate.

#

Do I care about my job? Yes, I do. However, I have never cared about it as little as I do now. Despite that, I have done some notable work for the team this year so clearly I am still invested in performing my duties at least to some extent.

#

However I only care about the security and familiarity my job brings me. It is a stable source of income, giving me the power I require to engage in the things I do in my personal life. Without that power, my life will inevitably be over. $70,000 is enough to last me a while (enough to pay rent for 23 years assuming it remains the same which I know it won't) so I will have more than enough time to execute my plans should it come to that.

#

As for the familiarity well, my workplace has been a huge part of my life since I was 12 (I'll be turning 24 in June). I am very well established here. If I get fired, I don't want to go through the effort of building up phony relationships with a bunch of new people I won't give a damn about. Essentially if I get fired, I have no intention of seeking new employment.

#

And while I will still have time given my savings, I don't have a lot of it. After all my main intent is to leave money to people and I can't do that if I use it all prolonging my life needlessly for the next 5, 10, 15, 20, or however many years. I would not want to prolong my life more than a year (and perhaps that would remain true even if I kept my job).

#

So what do I think will happen tomorrow? Well, I think I will keep my job but with the understanding that I am on notice. The experience me and the other guy have is indeed valuable and it wouldn't be the most easy finding a replacement for that. Granted, I know you can train someone to eventually replace me. The difference between me and a chimp is simply experience. Anybody can do what I do if they have the aptitude for it.

#

Also I need to remember that while I do believe my coworkers and my boss all care about me, their loyalty lies with the workplace first and foremost. If they think I am standing in the way of the department's objectives, they wont hesitiate to do what needs to be done. I understand that, I don't blame them for it, but I need to be keeping it in mind. I can't afford to get too buddy buddy with them either, because at the end of the day they are not my friends.

#

I will probably be acting more "cold" towards them from here on out. Well, acting isn't exactly the right word. More like they will get to see through the act that I have been putting on thus far more than I have been allowing them to lately. The mask of my old self slips off more to reveal more of my true self, Lord Void.

#

The one exception to this rule will probably be Sean, given that we've been on pretty good terms during our time together with no real issues.

#

One of them is just the software guy, he's nice but I don't interact with him all that much.

#

The other one is the one I know has been reporting the two of us for any issues that have come up in the past. It's hard to not hold it against them to some extent, even if they aren't wrong about a lot of it. We did have an issue once in the past that was really stupid and I do believe they were out of line for but it's buried in the past long enough that I am not bothered by it really anymore.

#

I will keep my distance the most with them.

#

I will keep some distance between me and my boss as well, but that's not really a fault on him

#

As has been stated with previous examples, the distance I keep is more to maintain my peace. Seeing some of these people is a constant reminder of the bad stuff that is currently going on at work and it makes me more tense. Sure I can work like that, but not effectively. I have always worked best alone.

#

I will probably put some more effort into the pc building stuff if I get fired as a way to try and break even or lose as little of my savings as possible. I may just use the time to explore independent ventures.

#

Well enough staying up thinking about what is going to happen tomorrow, it is time go see for myself.

dreamy sun
#

I came in this morning to see everybody meeting. I am pretty worried that I will be fired after all

#

I am filled with so much dread that I find it hard to focus on anything

#

Honestly it makes going to class seem like a waste of time. I mean.. I always considered it to be a waste of time but now more than ever

buoyant marsh
#

firing is pretty typically a last resort. you’ll probably be put on a PIP and monitored more closely for a while. unless they think it’s all super grievous shit, which is unlikely given the nature of what’s going on, it’s not likely they’ll jump straight to termination with admin involved. they’re probably discussing reasonable expectations to set for you.

#

it’s not impossible but just saying it’s not necessarily likely

dreamy sun
#

Yeah

#

I am going to have to rework my schedule a bit to account for the added scrutiny but I already considered that

#

To recap, I work some Fridays to give myself more hours to play with during the week so I can go to class. Now I'm just going to have to work all 5 days properly and stop shuffling hours around

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I have 8.5 hours of time built up, it would also suck to lose that but it's whatever. I'm sure my being tardy a few minutes here and there and things like that makes up for it

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If I stay, I do intend to try and sneak in the hours I am owed little by little

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but very carefully, probably not more than 15 minutes at a time

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and later on

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It is also possible they have gone back to look at my hours and realized something is off now and boot me because of that

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I guess I should consider what a new schedule looks like if I am kept on

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Hmm, I guess it doesn't require too much thought. I like to get my hours in as early in the week as possible to account for any days off we might get. That won't change. I'll probably just leave early on Thursday or something

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Will also leave early if I need to go home to work on my own things since now I know for absolute certain I can't do that at work

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I'm meeting my grandma for lunch, I wonder if I can keep up the mask. Well, at least a good meal should help calm my nerves a bit

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Only 50 more minutes of class to go.

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I think I might try to apologize or something to my other coworkers for what's going on if I end up staying on. I'll buy lunch for the team on Thursday, it's been far too long.

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If I stay of course. If I don't I'll need to hold onto that money

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I mentioned the hours thing, I also want to mention something with Sean

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I only recall ever having one issue with him (and I wouldn't even call it that but can't think of another word) and that was over when I was showing up in the morning. As we know depression saps all of your energy. It sapped all the energy I had to wake up in the morning. Though the morning rush we get can be pretty bad sometimes and it is extremely overwhelming to handle alone. I can understand why I was pushed to commit to showing up in the morning and don't hold it against him even a little.

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Well I can't think of anything else I'd like to ramble about right now, it is not time for the lore dump I promised yet. Not ready to shift my thinking to it since I'm still hung up on the current situation. I think I'll spend the remainder of my class time speaking to others or building a pokemon deck

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Oh right I did think of something. All of my coworkers have surely noticed my mood shift, but I was able to lighten up a little before I left for class. I hope that helps

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Oh the timing of this is too ironic. I got a recently missed email from the pro-choice suicide forum I was frequenting last year

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Whatever my fate ends up being, I am going to go home and crash once this day is done

dreamy sun
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I have learned my fate. I have been fired. They are allowing me to finish the week. After that it is time to double time my plans

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I will not press the issue about my hours that are owed to me. It was a risk I took by doing things improperly

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Even though I could probably get away with trying to claim some of them now, I won’t try that either

dreamy sun
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My boss has off the record (so not as my boss) told me that resigning is an option and that it would look better when applying for new jobs (like I intend to do that lol)

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So now all the bullshit teachers before me have sent out about resigning I too will now be doing

dreamy sun
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Something I didn’t stop to consider. It’s going to be really hard for me to rest well until I settle into my “new normal”

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So for the remainder of this limbo period I won’t be able to sleep well, and probably for a week or so after that either

dreamy sun
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Well difficult as it might be, I need to try and sleep. I may try to show up early to get in some more hours I'd otherwise miss (I am going to have to accept losing out on the hours I built up, just consider it a risk I took)

dreamy sun
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I tried to sleep at midnight and gave up at 12:30. Going to try again. I am so unable to relax that I literally cannot sleep

dreamy sun
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Some sleep finally managed to happen

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Going in early isn’t happening

dreamy sun
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My my do I have updates for you. It’s important that I get this before I go to bed while it’s still fresh so expect that soon

dreamy sun
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Well as promised I have some scheduled ramblings for you

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I got to talking with the software guy yesterday, he seemed really concerned (he texted me once he learned what happened)

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We talked for almost an hour, I felt a bit better afterwards

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I also heard more about the situation

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He informed me that Sean called him to ask about me, to which he told him to ask my boss. I’m a bit bothered by the fact he didn’t ask me directly, but I’m sure he has his reasons. Perhaps he thinks I’m not at liberty to say and tried to get a better answer from him instead, who knows. We may or may not get to catch up more later

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I was told that multiple people in administration hold the opinion that my boss is going to easy on my team

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He didn’t really agree with the “fake out” my boss did of I am this close to firing you and then just doing it anyway

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He tried to tell me that I shouldn’t feel the need to grovel for people. I have expressed deep remorse for things in front of my boss

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It seems my boss is pretty stressed out about this whole thing too. I think he needed his dad to come pick him up cause he was passing out at his desk