It feels like hell sometimes I wish that I had a different dad but i know nobody chooses their dad.
But he's mostly the reason for all that shit happening to me and I really hate him for all the trouble he caused mom that fucking narcissist thinks he's a god
Hits whoever he wants
Thinks he's a man so he can fucking hit her whenever he wants i fucking despise him that bastard.
Sometimes I question my existence like why iam here what I'am supposed to do with my life
But I fucking know there's so much more out there to do and that it will pass and that trauma doesn't get to define me.
But I'am just so tired and overwhelmed
#Omar's safe space
ionic crescent
ionic crescent
I just got up like its 5 pm or smth. anyhow the storm feels a lil bit quieter, still I feel like iam scattered like really I dont know what to do.
Honestly right before i slept I wished to never wake up again, I mean nothing suicidal or anything, just a forever peace.
Rn it seems to be better but I know that's a temporary kind of thing and as soon as it gets late I will probably feel the same way and wreck my sleep again.
I dunno what's wrong with me really , I want out of this so bad, but I feel stuck and helpless.
It's like a malware running 24/7 in the background that i never asked for and it keeps ruining everything.
I hope it gets any better i just dunno.
ionic crescent
well since i shared the terrible stuff i have been through today figured i should also share even a moment of good even if it was just a glimpse of hope
so i went to the gym today honestly i didnt like to go and i wanted to rot in bed but I decided to go eventually.
So i went there, had a fire workout and met up with the bois and yeah the hollowness is still in there but at least had some fun i guess.
golden arrow
Well, a little fun counts for something
ionic crescent
Well, a little fun counts for something
yeah probably
ionic crescent
Omar's safe space
Hey guys I probably shared a lot
But I just woke up rn its 4pm
Well I dunno why I still hate myself for not being "productive".
Why do I treat my body as if it was a fucking machine.
As if I don't deserve to rest unless I am worthy of it
Unless I did something throughout the whole day.
It's fucking devestating how I treat myself like shit.
While iam so fucking Kind to others but not me, why I cant show this kindness to the very human who deserves it me ( not an arrogant I mean like I deserve this kindness too)
I have an exam TMRW and my sleep is crazy screwed up.
Well I'll find a way to sleep early or just stay up it doesn't even matter anymore.
I really hate this stuckness
That feeling of helplessness.
Why do I have to fucking fight just to get up from the damn bed.
Why I fucking wake up everyday wanting to cry and fucking rot in the bed
When will it go away and stop haunting me.
You know that feeling, when you really don't know what you're doing anymore.
Its like you are watching your damn life as a fucking spectator like you are a ghost half living half dying.
Nothing feels great, yes there are some temporary moments where I find joy or fun but as soon as I get back to my room.
This emptiness haunts me, its so fucking daunting.
It feels like a monster who always knows how to fuck me up.
I don't know anymore what the fuck to do.
But I'll keep trying, I guess.
ionic crescent
Well I hung out with my friends today right after the exam and it wasn't that bad
But right after all of them suddenly started to talk about their childhood, how amazing it was
The games they played and actually enjoyed
The cartoons they'd watched
Everyone is telling their stories and they are laughing.
Well I did play some games
But it was just so I can escape and quiet the voices , binge watching stuff but never really enjoyed anything
Well I was a kid back then so yeah but since I had to keep my shit together becusse well my parents weren't so how tf I ask them for smth
They were fighting , constantly and I felt powerless watching this family tearing apart and my mom getting hit constantly
And that's why whenever someone talks about their peaceful childhood , it sorta triggers me because I envy them ( I don't hate them) but I hate that I never really got the chance to play without being afraid of dad
Without hearing them shouting and fighting
And even after i moved out with mom , still couldn't feel safe and I was just coping with gaming.
I was literally about to cry while I was hanging out with those friends so I just said
Well I guess see ya guys and left.
Its kinda sad , and I feel like I should move on , i should be okay rn
Iam fucking 18 and that shit is still fucking me up
ionic crescent
Why does it feel like I am falling behind.
Like no matter what the fuck i do, i just feel like I am falling behind.
I lose track of time I waste a lot of time and don't even feel anything it's like time passes by and Iam like a zombie half assing Most of the stuff
Its like I'm just functioning.
For instance today I had some tasks to do and I guess I finished most of them, but I wasted some time spiralling even being trapped in that " shutdown" mode its like everything is dull and nothing clicks.
It feels like everything is overwhelming, like no matter how trivial that task is, its so overwhelming and stressing me out so much.
I keep saying well it's a temporary thing, maybe I just have to push through but its like a rabbit hole and I can't find my way out.
I believe that with hardship comes ease.
But it's like faith is driving me away.