#꒦꒷εїз꒷꒦

1 messages · Page 5 of 1

winter summit
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And like

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She listened to it

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And then js said “damn” and spoke abt her friends, related to what i said before going onto her own topic like broski

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Whatever

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Oh yeah

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Got my maths test results

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Was absolutely devastated bro

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Lowest in class bro

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||7/50||

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I actually can’t bro

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I knew I’d get a low score

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But that’s the lowest I’ve ever got

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And the teacher read it out loud

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Bc he didn’t want to give the tests out

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Most people got between 12 and 25

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Some people that used their phones got 30+

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Bro I revised as much as I o idk after skl bc the weekend I was out like all day

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And the test was on Monday

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And I was gonna sit w my friend and help each other but I got moved due to some boys messing abt

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The kid that sat next to me got 24/50

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Ffs bro

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I’m cooked

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My score was the first to be read out too

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I was sat next to my two friends

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My friend immediately looked at me and was like shocked

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I didn’t even know what to say so js smiled and said idc

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I do in fact care

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So

silver swallow
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whos lil peep-

silver swallow
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go practice some math, write everything down once and you're good, its all practice

silver swallow
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the fact we need like a 90%+ just to get into a proper college-

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( im cooked i get like 70-75%, one last exam which decides my fate approaching soon)

winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
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I think

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Once u do ur exams

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They take results all over the country

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And THEN set a grade that’ll be a pass

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Litro if many people got like grade 6-9

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They could make grade 8 the pass grade

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Usually 4 is a weak pass

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But idk that’s what I’ve been told

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Obv 8 and 9s are the best

winter summit
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
winter summit
winter summit
silver swallow
winter summit
winter summit
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Bro im actually like in so much pain

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Last week I got serial casts

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Couldn’t sleep same day and next day bc I kept waking up in pain so I took them off

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Had an appointment this Wednesday

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My nurse understood

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But the lady that put on the cast had such an attitude

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Bro she also told me ‘oh if u don’t want to cooperate how are we meant to help you’ all bc I asked for extra padding to help with the pain💔

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Bc I had the casts put on again

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All day I felt fine

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Went for a bath the same night

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Somehow got most of the bottom of my cast wet

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Mom was putting lil sis to sleep, got pissed at me, js hung up on me

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Bc I called her as yk my casts were wet

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And she was upstairs

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So I just went to sleep with wet casts

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Woke up

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They were still soaking wet

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I go to school with them

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Come home

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Hold up messed up the order

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Yeah but I came home

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Took a 2h nap

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With the casts really wet

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Woke up in pain

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Near where they got soaked but a bit lower and stuff

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It’s like a sharp pain

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Especially when I walk or stand

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Then after 24h we finally dry the cast

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We used hot air tho

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Ur not meant to

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So that’s amazing

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I end up not being able to sleep until 3am bc of the pain

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Then fell asleep for an hour and 17mins

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Then woke up

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And kept waking up in pain

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All day I was in pain

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Still am

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Nothing helping

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Well

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I tried using cold air from the hair dryer

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But it’s still warm air

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It doesn’t go cold

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But it still kinda helped

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I tried to elevate my feet, nothing

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Switching positions 24/7

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I don’t have ice

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I’ve been taking pain killers

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Shit ain’t helping

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I wanna take the casts off to bad but it’s only my second day of having them

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Well it’s Saturday

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So 3rd day

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And I want to wait and see bc maybe th pan will stop

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But bro

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I feel like

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Idk I feel like I’m distressed

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I think that’s the word

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Yeah

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Like I’m so aware of the weight of the cast and th fact it’s on my legs and stuff

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And the fabric

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The pain

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Everything

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I’m so aware of it I deadass feel like breaking down or smth

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I just want to take them off so bad and have this weird uncomfortable feeling all over me

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This will sound so childish but I started crying this morning bc of it

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But then I’m js wasting the nurses time if I’m constantly getting them out on just to take the off not long after

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On Wednesday I have another appointment

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I js needa keep the casts on until Tuesday night

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If the pain doesn’t stop, ill quit with serial casting

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Say I don’t want it anymore

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Bc I’m really like in so much pain and distress

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I think that’d be the right word to describe it

winter summit
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Oh fuck

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Oh shit I fucked up again

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I can’t breathe

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Why

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Whenever I say ‘go to sleep’ when they’re drunk

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Why do they think I mean ||suicide||

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Haha and she said she won’t message me bc she knows I don’t like drunk people as much

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And then an hour later

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Just like always

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‘I’m sorry’

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This and that

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Always something’s wrong

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And it’s always something I did

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And I’m tired of it right

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And I don’t get Notifs

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So I don’t respond

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And I’m even worse suddenly

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And she’s asking me for help

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How to sleep

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I tell her

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She says she’s scared

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And constantly

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Repeat

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Or other things

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Okay I’d say I don’t mind alr

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I’m always the one trying to help others

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But tf do I say in a situation like that

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So I’m becoming kinda annoyed

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I’m js repeating myself too

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And saying ‘idk what u want me to do I already told u’

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And OMD

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Okay

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So

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I’m an unloveable person

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I have a shitty personality

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She tells me she loves me even tho every time she gets drunk she has smth to say abt me

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And me being unable to help I js said ‘yeah sure I totally believe that but whatever ily too’

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She’s like confused

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And yk what next

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‘I’ll go take some more pills’

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THE FUCK

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bro what

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So I’m here stressing not knowing what to say

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Fucking sobbing

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Bc tf do I do

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Like deadass what do I do

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And she promised me she wouldn’t do anything till the end of the month

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So I’m both hurt and pissed

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So I feel guilty as fuck now that she said that

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And she’s acting confused

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Bro what

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I’m already having a shitty day and week

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Im fucking debating shit

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And now this

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This all just makes me realise how fucked up I am

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I deserve to be alone and that’s that

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Oh yeah old friend also reached out again

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The one I dropped a while ago bc she preferred her bf

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Which bc she broke up with a few months ago

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And idk how to feel abt that

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Bc like

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I’m relieved she reached out that she thought abt me but it also kinda hurt thinking about how shit ended and stuff

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Either way today’s shitty

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All week has been

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Fuck my life

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And now that question again

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After these kind of convos it’s always ‘do u still love me’ or ‘do you still want me’

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Obv I do and ik she’s just struggling

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But man the stress this all puts me in

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Whatever, better if I’m struggling if she fees even a bit better

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Even tho I doubt I’m making anything better for her

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Watch me wake up tmr after calming down a bit and look at this feeling embarassed😪

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I js feel so depressed in general

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Whatever

winter summit
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This is like

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Idk bro

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Okay so while at skl my old friend asked if we can start over

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The one who treated me like shit lowk bc of her bf and then I’d get pissed and stuff

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I guess I didn’t know what to say but wanted to give it a go so I agreed

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But anyways

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I feel like I’m being pranked man

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The girl I’ve been speaking about a lot on here

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I think she actually ||took her life||

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And I feel so guilty

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And so scared

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But it’s my fault

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But her friend reached out to me

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Some new friend she met recently

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Asked me about her, like if I know why she’s not responding

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Obv I asked how’d she know I know the girl

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She said that once they were on call and sharing screens and she saw my contact with hearts in it, memorised my pfp and reached out to me bc she saw me welcoming ppl in the channel

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Whatever I guess I’ll buy it

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And she’s just going on like

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‘Oh no I hope she’s okay’

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And obv being scared too

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And then she randomly starts asking how am I, what are my hobbies, introduces herself

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I get it’s being nice

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But it just feels suspicious in a way

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Ik damn well I’m probably thinking too far into this and the gil really did do something to herself

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Oh man I feel horrible

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She told me she took them

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I said we’ve been texting for a while, she’s okay and she will be okay, to drink some water and rest

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She kept saying she’s scared but then kept asking how to fall asleep

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So I js kept repeating myself

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Then I mentioned feeling guilty which clearly fucked it all up more bc she said she’s going to take more ||pills||

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Just awesome

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So I mention the promise she made

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Then she’s apologising and trying to take it all back and fix it all or smth

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Then she’s like ‘goodnight I’ll stop annoying you if I survive’ or something like that

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I don’t want to go back on the chat to check

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Like bro

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But the thing is she was drunk the whole time

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She always texts a certain way when she’s drunk

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This time she wasn’t

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I think I’m reading too much into this

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Why do people she knows always come to me when somethings up with her

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First her boyfriend now her friend

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Feels like some sick joke

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Well shit im being super dry to the friend of hers they reached out

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And watch then she’ll think I’m a bitch

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Which tbf I am

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And then wonder why the girl hung around me

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I asked her if it’s some joke and she didn’t respond earlier

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I swr she messages something a few secs ago but deleted it

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This is actually messing me up

silver swallow
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time to get my glasses

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gimme 30 minutes

silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
winter summit
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Deadass

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I haven’t slept properly the last 4 days

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I’ve been waking up every couple minutes due to pain whenever I managed to fall asleep

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And I finally found a position that stopped the pain

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Like I was half off the bed

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I put my pillow near the end

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And lay so that my knees bent and my feet touched the floor

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It don’t hurt much like that

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But I kept waking up anyways

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That was last night

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Then today I realised my feet r lowk swollen so I messed up my circulation by sleeping like that

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So now I can’t

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I tried to lay with my feet elevated

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Hurts so bad

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But I can’t lay any other way or I’ll mess up my circulation

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I can take the casts off tmr night tho

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Wait

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Yeah it’s Monday now

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So Tuesday night I can take them off

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Only to have them put back on Wednesday

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But whatever

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The pain keeps changing

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I can’t remember the first pain (how to describe it) but I took the casts off on the 3rd day

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Then I had it done kinda less tight, like there wasn’t as much of a stretch on the muscles

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I had a sharp pain for a bit

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Now it’s mostly like a burning pain

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Bro I never wanted to sleep normally as bad before

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I’ve sat with my feet on the floor for abt 10 mins

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Il l probs lay down and see if the pain comes back

winter summit
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Okay so I can’t

silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
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maybe they can come up with a solution for you to sleep painlessly

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that way even if it hurts afterwards they'll know their idea failed and gonna keep trying until it's easier for you to sleep

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same for the wet cast problem

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🙏

winter summit
winter summit
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So it’s all good rn

silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
dusk lion
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
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I was gonna go out this weekend

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Sleepover with my friends

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Saturday and Sunday

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So first we thought Friday to Saturday

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But I have skl on Saturday and my parents refuse to let me skip it

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It was hard for my bsf to change the dates, we’re doing it at her house

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But she managed to

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And like my dad today told me that fine I can go

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I can’t dye my hair again tho, my dad wouldn’t care but my mom said no but whatever

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Even tho she said I can dye it this holiday

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But then since I have casts

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My mom said I can’t like leave my bsfs house

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My dad agreed

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So like

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We always meet at hers, go out for a few hours

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Go to hers

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Eat or smth, bake, dye my hair, play games and whatever else

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And my dads saying like no way my mom drops me off right in front of the skl every morning bc of the casts what if someone from skl sees me or smth happens

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Okay I don’t need to get dropped, I can walk, I can do everything

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Although running is hard

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I can do everything else

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But I don’t argue abt it

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So now I’m trying to swap shit again

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I’m telling my friends that oh I can’t go out like my parents said I can go to hers but I can’t leave her house

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She said it’s fine, I can wait at her house and they’ll go out

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I don’t want to be alone in her house

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But then I don’t want to ruin the time for them

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So I said I’ll just come later

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She said okay, she’ll FaceTime me when shopping for smth so I can tell her what I want

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But what abt the money, I want to give the money first but I won’t even ser her before

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I told my dad I’ll go to hers like once they’re home

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My dad asked why can’t one of them just stay home with me bc there’s 3 of them

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But I’m not ruining the time for them so I said no and didn’t ask

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And now I think I’ll just cancel in general

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Idk after all that I just felt drained in a way and don’t want to go out anymore

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Oh yeah and my bf gave me £60 I think it’s bc like to join the Valentine’s Day and my bday even tho it’s like almost 2 weeks after Valentine’s Day so but I feel bad right bc I did get him Valentine’s Day gift but obv not smth worth £60, he said he gave it bc he wants me to spend it on whatever I want, even if he went and got me a gift it’d add up to £60 and to not worry about it and maybe we can both go out, I can’t go with these casts and I feel bad so I’m gonna ask my mom to drop by his and give the money back

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Bro I’m going to lesson and he ran up to me with the money

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I feel bad

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But my parents were pissed at ME

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Like damn okay?

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I feel down icl

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I think I’ll just try nap

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I lowk sound dramatic

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About both things

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But abt the hangout one

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I go out like

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Once every few months

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It’s not that bad

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That’s a lot for some people

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But everyone goes out like every day, hangs out everyday after skl

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I think once every 2 months isn’t even that bad compared to that

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I wanna dye my hair so bad agin

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I dislike how I look again and want to go back to blue

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Oh yeah and my mom wanted me to go out with my friends on my birthday

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Like on the weekend or whatever

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My bsf is fasting tho

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Can’t see me for a whole month

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I’m not gonna hang out without her bc I want everyone included

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Tbf I don’t even wanna do a birthday hangout thing

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But whatever

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She’s fasting and this weekend is th only time she can hang out with us

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And I wanna go

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I wanna have that fun with them

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But then at the same time I don’t

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I see no point in it

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We usually yk like I said go right out

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We often go to cafes or wherever buying drinks, often we just share the drinks

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Then we go shopping for anything we might want like last time it was hair dye and some makeup products

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Then we get snacks and drinks

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Actual food

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And go to hers and eat it there

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And then yk the whole rest

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But a fair amount of the stuff happens out the house

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I like to go on her mini rooftop thing but I won’t be able to go there with casts either

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I wanna go but don’t feel like it at the same time

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I won’t cancel yet

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Maybe late tmr or Saturday morning

silver swallow
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Lemme get my glasses

silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
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Spend time with your friends atleast twice a month lol even if it's just a short meetup

silver swallow
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
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—-

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Bro

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Fell asleep around 7 for a nap

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Woke up at around 2am

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Now it’s 4:53

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But

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Ik I was defo awake 4:39

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And defo past that I just don’t look at the time

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And I’m laying ON MY SIDE

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and I think I had sleep paralysis again

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Idk bro

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I was like

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Idk it’s like a dream but it’s not even a dream bc nothing happened, scenes kept switching. Like one sec I was in class, but it was also like me controlling it bc then I was walking down the stairs and the dream/ day in the dream felt odd and I thought like ‘oh what if —- came around th corner”

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And shit happened and I was js thinking

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Then suddenly

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I’m not imagining/ dreaming anymore

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There’s a loud ringing in my ears just like the first time I experienced it

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I was holding my phone with one hand, phone was against the bed

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Just like before I ‘fell asleep’ or whatever

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I can’t move my other hand

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I’m thing to move the one holding my phone

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I was unable to open my eyes

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My breathing was fast

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I could move one of my fingers a bit, I was trying to hit my phone against the side of the bed, not like it’s wake anyone up so idek why

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But I couldn’t really

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Only my finger, I couldn’t move my hand or anything else

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Then I felt like

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A pressure on my side

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As if something holding me down there or just like

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Idk how to explain it

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When someone presses their hand on, puts their hand on your like arm, you can feel it, it’s a pressure, I felt that on my side or waist

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And I tried to calm my breathing and kept trying to move my hand

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Then I got out of it and was able to move again although my hands felt funny and I could open my eyes

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I think this was sleep paralysis, idek

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But if it was then it’s only the second time

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But still bro like why

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I thought I finally fell back asleep

silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
silver swallow
winter summit
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I’m drained mentally and now this

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Everything just piling up again

winter summit
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Nvm I’m deleting it now

winter summit
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Slept for 7h

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So ever since I came home

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Lowkey still tired but it’ll pass

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Tbf I’m glad I slept these hours bc I skipped lunch and dinner

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My mom said if I’m hungry I can js make myself smth

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Not happening bro

winter summit
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Soooo

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Idek how to word this

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Met someone a bit ago

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Talked quite a bit during the summer

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But then my mental health was shit again

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Like worse

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Their mh was bad too

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We kinda grew apart

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Time to time they’d ask me if I’m okay

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I’d say yeah and ask back

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And then distance again

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And repeat

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And I think like a few days ago they asked me

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And tbf I’m rlly not doing good but idk how they’re doing so I say fine and we talk for like a bit

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They’re online but take a bit to respond

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Fair

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Then a few hours later thy ask me again so I say yeah and I said smth else

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They were online for like 30mins after I texted back

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Then went offline

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Then th next day they were constantly online for like an hour then back offline

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Like yk their status, they were constantly changing it

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So I’m getting like ignored but whatever people have their own lives, some people open messages and forget to respond, or they just don’t want to respond which I understand

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And now I get asked to call

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Suddenly out of the blue

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I don’t really call others often

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I pretty much dislike my voice and calling in general

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Obv I do it like with people ik irl

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Actually u only really call one friend

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Occasionally my fg if I’m getting spammed

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No one else tho

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And I call like what

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Once every few months

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And I don’t know this person exactly

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We’ve called for a bit before

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But only a few minutes

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Lowk I’m uncomfortable calling but feel bad if I say no

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Wait I never knew she cried in the sticker

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Probs bc the actual stickers aren’t animated

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I want to add my own sticker

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Sounds stupid but idk how to

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Anyways

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I don’t wanna ignore them but don’t wanna answer

winter summit
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Okay now I seem like a hypocrite

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But I’m tryna quickly update my general journal

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Before I forget

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And someone I didn’t respond to follows the journal

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And saw that I didn’t respond to them but I’m in journals

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And I think got upset 😪

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Which I get but bro give me a minute

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So I messed up again

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Awesome

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How do I even respond

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They seemed very sarcastic

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And obv upset and said they wont bother

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Oh man

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At first I was gonna be sarcastic back and say okay thanks but I don’t want to bc I don’t mean it

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I deadass feel bad

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I’m starting to notice a pattern bro

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I always mess up friendships

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I say I’m lonely n shi but then don’t respond often

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I think we’re just both messing each other up up more atp

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Which I think I started by going dry and stuff

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I’d say it’s bc my mental health is going down again

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But that’s not an excuse

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It’s not

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It’s the truth

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But it’ll seem like an excuse, she’ll probs think it’s not hard to just respond with a bit of emotion

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Which I get I guess

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I deadass don’t know what to say no matter what I say it won’t fix anything

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She deserves way better

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My answers aren’t enough, I’m not enough. I’m actually surprised she still messages

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I’ve started speaking to so many people over the last 2 years, stopped talking after a few weeks or months

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Usually ended up unfriending them bc we never spoke

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And I can’t start convos

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Which is partly my problem

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She actually means so much to me

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But suddenly I don’t know how to show it

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Well not suddenly, it’s been like this for a few weeks now

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Winter break we spoke non stop

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Paragraphs constantly

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Everything

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Then one day I js woke up and felt drained in a way and since then I’ve just unable to respond properly

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This always happens

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No matter who I talk to

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That grind that reached out to me, I was so anxious but glad, we’re barely talking again

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She tried to update me about what she’s watching, something I’ve watched

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And she genuinely talks about how she enjoys or doesn’t enjoy it and I could respond properly to that either

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So they both try to talk to me

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They both deserve better

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Everyone else either talked to me only to vent (not an issue ofc, glad they trust me to open up to me) or just to try get smth out of me

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And they’re both actually trying, especially the one on dc and I can’t even respond properly

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How pathetic

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I can’t start or carry on convos

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And the worst part is it’s not even that hard to add emotion into text or make it seem more interested

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And yet I struggle to even do that

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Why can’t I communicate or express how I feel back

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I’m so tired

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She’s so sweet I’m actually gonna cry

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She really deserves everything

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She deserve so much better

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I hope she finds people who will constantly be able to keep up a convo and express themselves

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She deserves only good things

silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
silver swallow
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
winter summit
silver swallow
silver swallow
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It's mostly the lack of sufficient vitamins and nutrients that can affect one's mental health

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So yeah eat food which gives you what you need

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If you feel like it's too much then so for runs to burn the excess calories

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Trust me everything will get better once you fix yourself

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Instead of trying to fix others, put focus on yourself for a few months

winter summit
winter summit
silver swallow
winter summit
silver swallow
winter summit
silver swallow
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Prioritise your sleep and diet

winter summit
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I’ll probably consider this, u have good points

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Got it, thank youuu

silver swallow
silver swallow
winter summit
silver swallow
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Can't be better

winter summit
silver swallow
winter summit
winter summit
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I’m actually like so overwhelmed rn

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I think that’s the word

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I have a 10 hour exam

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Or longer

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All day tmr, all day Friday

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Health and social

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And I wasn’t in the lesson for 5 weeks and the teacher literally just sent someone to give me the sheets w no explaination and thing
And they started planning when I wasn’t attending that lesson anymore for a bit

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So I was like basically clueless

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The last day before half term I convinced a teacher to ask my teacher to come see me and talk about the notes

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She agreed after a few hours

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She explained a bit

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Said what I have is already good

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Etc

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My bsf asked if I want her notes

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Those are her notes tho, the only thing I checked was if I set out the first page I got given correctly

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Like I got given 3 copies of the same page

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.

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Turned out I had to do a different life event focus on each page

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( I’m doing 2 case studies, talking abt sources of support, PIES development, comparing at the end, who handles what better etc)

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Wanna know when I found that out?

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Yesterday.

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And I had pages I wasn’t given

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So my bsf got some spares for me

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So anyway I went to that lesson today

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We literally just got told to fill out info by ourselves

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My two friends

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They’ve been in every single lesson while I missed 5-6 weeks

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They barely had anything

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Said they were confused

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Said I only had more bc ‘I could use the internet’

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I did it all at home bro so could’ve you

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And they were copying off my sheets

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And I felt bad and let them

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And miss kept going on abt not sharing notes (not directed to us js in general)

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Now this is worth 30% of my GCSE

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this is the first GSCE I’m doing

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I’m doing my proper GSCEs next year.

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Summer

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Or so

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And I’ve already started health and social

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So I come home

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And today’s my birthday so like I js wanna chill

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But can’t

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I spent the whole afternoon trying to maximise my notes, improve them, restarting many times

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I think I did it from 6pm till midnight

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And I was like feeling super hot right bc my door was closed n all that

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But I just kept working trying to get the notes done

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Then at midnight I decide to leave it a bit, idk what else to add

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But it really doesn’t feel like enough

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And

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I have like a few rubbish in my room like those messed up sheets, bottles, stuff like that

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I had a cup full of a drink but didn’t drink it at all

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So I put what I can in my pockets

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And today I got a few like face masks or wtv so I’m gonn keep them in the bathroom right

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I also got buldak

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And I facemasks, my phone, rubbish in my pockets and js other stuff

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Then I had to grab some clothes to change into obv

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And whenever my mom does the washing she always just stacks the clothes in my room on this shelf thing

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Fairs

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But I didn’t have time to put it away

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And th clothes I needed were under it

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And the whole stack of clothes fell down.

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My pockets r stuffed, clothes on the floor, I’m really hot, I need to quickly turn off the lights n stuff so that I don’t get told off for still being up, etc

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So I’m holding the buldak bc it’s the cup one

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My cat was sleeping in my room but we have to shut him in the kitchen every night bc he scratches on doors all night or early morning as we all close our doors

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I grab him under my arm bc I have no other way

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I have the cup full of a drink in my hand, the same side my cat is on

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He’s trying to get out from under my arm

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I spill like half the drink

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I was actually so done

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I get downstairs to the kitchen, put some stuff on the counter

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Turn back around and grab his

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Idk what it’s called, cats can scratch the legs of the thing, sleep at the top

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It’s like a play place idk

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And I’m still holding him but more properly now and with the other hand I grab that stand

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…

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It’s broken, it has been for a while

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And I’m dragging it to the kitchen

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It gets stuck on the door

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The like half of it is stuck obv, the top half that I was pulling like disconnected from the bottom part

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So I had to put the cat down, being that in and fix it

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He tried to run upstairs so I closed the door, he started trying to attack me

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Idk why this just overwhelmed me so much

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And then I had to come upstairs and clean my room before I went to bed

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I’m not even going to sleep

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I’d show the notes but I cba to get the vid up, bc I sent it to my cousin

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Oh yeah and one of the friends that barely had any notes

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Kept spamming me saying ‘sooo are you gonna send your notes’

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Just half swiped and left her on delivered34538rabbitholemikubored

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I’m actually not prepared for tmr bro

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I can luckily bring my notes

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But bro I don’t even think I have much

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So u can only have ur book, notes and water

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I’m so behind.

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10 hours or more.

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I’m actually done bro

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And I thought the polish skl was fine right

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Bro this one girl is so annoying

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We rarely spoke but she seemed nice

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Then at one point we had to do this drawing thing based on a dudes style and it has to be like English vs polish teenagers or whatever

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And bro the girl was js so annoying

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She kept calling us at first and just yapping nonsense and asking if we can draw for her

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Then when my friend was giving ideas she was pulling faces behind her back and mocking her

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And stuff like that

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I don’t even wanna go bro, I js wanna sleep inAnyaWeird

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But that exam man

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I actually don’t even wanna come in but I have to

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Oh yeah I got birthday beatings bro

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And one of my friends hits so hard man

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We had one hour of skl left and she only got to do 6 punches and I wouldn’t see her after skl or in last lesson

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So she said she’ll only do 10 al l together to be nice or smth

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And she did twice on one arm, twice on the other

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Right arm still hurts

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Left arm where she did the last punch somehow the hardest one, my arm is bruisedblurrycry

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It actually hurt tho

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But whatever

silver swallow
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And I get to miss polish school

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I’ve also finished my 10 hour exam today

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Then I have another exam that adds onto the grade like in a week or two as we didn’t finish planning for it so couldn’t do it

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#

Dude I’ve been asleep for like 13hours

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I’ve slept from 5pm

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Now it’s 6am

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And she texted me at 6pm just asking what I’m doing

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And obv I didn’t respond

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And then like at 9pm or whatever she just went ‘mhm so then’ and the rest of her messages

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Bro please

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Don’t do this to me rn bro

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I didn’t want to sleep for 13 hours🫩

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Istg I set an alarm for 8pm or 8:30

silver swallow
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Being honest fixes most situations

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#

Today was lowk ass

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But it wasn’t too bad

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But I haven’t vaped for 1 year and 6 months

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And

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I did it today, so it’s back to a few hours

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It wasn’t even mine

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But no one knows apart from her and another friend that wanted it so at least that

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I guess everything just setting me off lately plus yesterday PE sucked

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And today during science we had a cover teacher, some kids who aren’t in my class pretended they were and were obv messing around

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I was meant to sit by my friend

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Bc there’s tables of 4

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Then of 2

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We were gonna go to the 2 one but people already went there so we went to a 4 one

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So me and her sit and this other girl

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I don’t have too much of a problem with her

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But we did have our difficulties, like she believed smth she heard and talked shit abt me to my own boyfriend and her boyfriend who ended up also saying things abt me

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She refused to accept the blame and that she did wrong

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Started crying and all so obv it turned on me

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And she js in general annoys me sometimes

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But I try to forget that

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So we all 3 sit together

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My friend talks to me for why 5 mins abt her new crush

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Turns around

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And then two face each other

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And talk the whole hour

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I js ended up listening to music

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Then lunch came and that’s when she turned back to me bc we’re in the same fg

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At lunch like the seats face each other, so 4 of my friends sit facing each other and I’m just on the side and once again they just talked

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I did try to get involved but mostly got ignored

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But whatever I guess

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I don’t really care that I’ve ruined the streak, it felt okay to do it after a year and half

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But I guess I am kinda disappointed

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Especially since it was only my choice and this time no one influenced me

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But whatever what’s done is done

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#

Bro

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I’m deadass the problem in friendships and relationships

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I can’t seem to keep a single one

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And I’m fully aware I’m difficult to be around

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And yet idk myself why I’m not different

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I barely talk with my bf, I’m often uncomfortable with him even if he just jokes around abt certain stuff or it’s just me and him, idk why

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That one friend I started talking to again recently, I have like no energy like always and she stoped messaging too. Well we only said ‘gm’ ‘gn’ every day but still

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She said she’ll be busy with exams

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I said okay

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We haven’t spoken all day

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I checked her reposts bc I felt like it, she’s struggling and yk I’m failing to be there for her so that’s awesome, I can’t even say I saw her reposts bc we don’t follow each other

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And a day ago she did tell me she’s mid but I don’t push further

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And now like

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The grind I was constantly talking abt on here

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Her last message was ‘Ty’ to smth

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I didn’t respond right which WAS my mistake

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We don’t talk for 3 days

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I swear I told her before I don’t message first, I can’t help it but sometimes just become dry but I’ll try change she told me not to

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So I didnt even tho I should’ve

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And today I get a message

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In short it’s smth abt me clearly not caring about her, not able to text fist, I only respond to be nice or whatever

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So that’s over now too

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But yk what

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Good for her

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At least she won’t have to put up with me

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We alway had a lack of communication

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So whatever

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Fuck it

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‘Clearly u have better friends’

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Nice one

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I’m not trying in her eyes

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Amazing

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#

I can’t even keep convos going

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I’m unable to interact with anyone

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I sit listening to music 24/7

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In lesson, everywhere

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I get left out a lot

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In PE so I’m always walking alone or standing there

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With my own fg at the lunch table bc I’m the only one sitting with no one infront of me

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Whenever we can sit wherever in class or go in groups, I’m never included

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I told myself I’d be fine alone that I wouldn’t care

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But it actually hurts so damn much

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But maybe I’ll get used to it

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And I think I’m not gonna stop vaping anytime soon

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Or ||relapsing|| in other stuff

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I’m really tired I just wanna go man

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#

Don’t ever make me pick

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I can’t pick

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‘Leave or stay’

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I can’t

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Or even basic choices tbf

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I can’t pick

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I dislike picking

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I don’t know what to do with myself anymore

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I hate my DT coursework design bro, I don’t enjoy history bc of having to answer out loud, I don’t think I do well in health and social. And all subjects suck

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Dude everything’s wrong

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Nothing going right

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‘Oh his son got into Oxford’

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Good for him

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14% on maths

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Fuck this

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Like just shut up man

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I don’t like to be anywhere, at home, at school, I dislike being out bc I dislike my looks

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Bro everything just

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idek

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I’m actually pathetic

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Who the hell can’t even keep one relationship/friendship

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Whatever man

winter summit
#

And now I’m getting yelled at34538rabbitholemikubored

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# winter summit I’m actually pathetic

No you're not, you can alot better just if you decide to put a little effort into how things are right now, you could do way better than you're doing right now and i believe in you

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If you ever wanna talk about anything, I'm here for you

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# silver swallow She failed to understand you properly

That’s true, I think we both lack communication no matter how many times we try sort things out, idk if she needs space or someone to talk to but today she asked for space and I agreed so I guess all I can do is see how things go

silver swallow
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It's her choice

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#

Finally found this

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Why do I feel so depressed again

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Screw my life bro

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I need to work on my communication

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Went out without earbuds for the first one in a bit

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And was w my family kind of so I didn’t speak much

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I remember thinking abt how loud the store was

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Like the people

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And regretted not bringing my earbuds

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This was Saturday btw

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I was the only one buying smth in a store

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So I went to the cashier/till alone

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My dad and sisters waiting near the exit

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I was paying with a gift card for the first time ever

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Bc usually my mom did it or smth like that

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Bro my hands were shaking so bad, I couldn’t speak and I genuinely felt like crying

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I don’t even know why

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She was patient tho, helped me with the card

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But then when I was putting the items in my pockets and my dad asked to see the receipt my hands were still shaking and he got rlly mad at me and stuff like that 34538rabbitholemikubored

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I don’t get how people are really social

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How they talk across the class having their own conversations

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How they just yell in public n shi

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Idek why I panicked so bad

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Dude it actually feels pathetic

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2 more weeks of school

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So 11 more days

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I actually can’t bro

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I’m so sick of it

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Idk if I should say this

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Last night/yesterday I was js taking a bath right, I had my ||razor|| with me bc I was gonna yk, and I just lay there for about 30minutes just thinking about everything and imagined just grabbing the ||razor|| and ||ending my shit|| right there and then

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I had it in my hand

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But I didn’t do it

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Don’t know why I didn’t, I feel so shit again

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And no exact cause for it either

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Maybe because I was left out again

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Maybe it was just the past few days

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Maybe it was bc the one friend that reached out to me and promised sm, then she said she had exams and couldn’t talk much, I tried to speak first, was often ignored, then she told me ‘oh btw I made a new friend from a discord server’

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Okay so

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Good for you I guess?

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And ever since then we haven’t spoken bc

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I’m not gonna text first if I get ignored

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And obv she’s not messaging either

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Whatever tho

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When I had no contact with her bc I ended the friendship it felt awful but now that we r ‘friends’ but not talking I also feel awful

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Fml

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Dude I actually hate myself

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Personality, everything

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I rlly just wish I did it last night

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What’s stopping me anyways

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That’s a very good question tbf

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The fear of failing?

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But if I try hard enough then there won’t be a chance of failing

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So why

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Atp might just fully isolate myself bc there’s no point

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#

Dude really got me putting makeup on ||cuts||

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Bro I decided to do it on my upper arm after a long time

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And later thought ‘oh what if my dress comes, hopefully it heals somehow within a few days’

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Today I come home from skl and my mom told me the dress has been delivered.

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It’s sleeveless

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I tried to put this star thing over it and makeup on top as the star was yellow

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Didn’t work

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So then I just out it directly on the ||cut|| and tried use my hair to cover it a bit

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My mom kept moving my hair to check the dress

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But she didn’t realise or see

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So that’s good

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But I can’t get all the makeup off now

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#

Remember what I told you to do

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Just avoid it

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It's for your own health

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If you ever wanna talk about anything

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My dms are wide open

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I sometimes don't check huddle as I'm quite distracted by other things like spending time with friends or freelancing

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So a DM would catch my attention

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I should've been here 2 days ago oof

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# silver swallow Text first but don't text after that multiple times

Yeah. We didn’t talk for a bit. Then I said smth abt it and she just said she didn’t want to ignore, didn’t want to only say gm and gn like always as it can get annoying and a whole bunch of other stuff. But she asked to change our bios and profiles, on the only app we have so I just agreed so whatever, I’ll just not reach out first

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modern shuttle
#

My main got permanently suspended by dc for spam 💔🥀 it was unjust as the automod just went Outta control, made a ticket to dc support to fix my account, it should be back in a few days

winter summit
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That sucks, hope it gets fixed then

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Dude

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I’m so like

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Confused idk

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So in this we have my bf

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My lesbian friend (D) in my fg

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Another friend (L)