#jj's head

43 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

hollow kindle
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hi. i'm new, im just going through a hard time. i have been. i feel like i never really got a chance in life to like..be normal. i'm going to really let it out rn so..sorry, but i feel like i need to scream or something because i have been quiet my whole life. i feel i never got a chance bc an evil man took his chance with me when i spent the night at a friends house, when i was four. before that an evil boy did violent things to me. and i feel so frustrated. because my whole life i have felt like i've been on the outside looking in, trying to mimic what everyone else is doing because i never knew. i don't know how to be natural, and it scares me. i used to be the sweetest person, i really did. but the older i get the more i see my parents in me. and i hate it when people say im not broken, or that i survived, because i have died a million times and i don't know how to put the pieces together no matter how hard i look for the instructions. and tonight i am listening to "the last thing she sent me" by sewerslvt and thinking about my cat that died seven months ago. is it normal to still cry regularly about him? i used to hold his light to my chest and promise him id get us out. i would lie there and trace the stripes on his face and laugh at his dumbfounded expression. and then he died. and i cried every night asking a god i dont believe in to take me with him. i miss my ricky

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jj's head

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"The blond boy in the red trunks is holding your head underwater because he is trying to kill the monster
in you but you like it, you like it, and you want to go deeper,
into the water that is as blue as the tarp behind the Little League dugout,
where the boy with the freckles plays second base
and you called him a ******
in sixth grade and he cried
and you want to say
stop,
stop,
you don’t know what you’re doing

You’re trying to kill the monster, but you are the monster.
You are the monster.

You’ve been here the whole time, lurking behind the shower curtain,
you with your mural of leaves and trees,
and your drawings of skulls and hearts,
you have a song that you sing all the time, but you’re shy so you keep it in your pocket
and when people are nice to you, you put it out just a little bit

you put it out just a little bit"

  • Richard Siken
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i can't just be. i can't. the eyes are always on me. i haven't felt the eyes in a while. i feel them now. my coworkers, my customers, my family's, my friends. everyone's eyes are on me. i can feel it burning and scathing and closing in on me. i want to shut them out. when the eyes get too overbearing i put on sunglasses and my soundproof headphones and lie on the floor of my closet, deep into the darkest most secret part of my dark locked up room and i lie there and wait for it to pass. wait until i feel brave enough to lie on my bed. and then i wait until i am brave enough to use the bathroom, to get a glass of water. and then it passes and i feel so brave i don't even think about how afraid i am. and i ignore everyone i block them out until they are so tired of my patterns that they hate me.

hollow kindle
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i am having a really rough night. i had a fight with my mom. i told her "i don't blame you for loving me the way you did, but i am trying to not resent you for it" and then my sister told me my mom comes to her asking her to ask me if im okay because she knows i wont open up to her. she told my sister she sees me walk around the house and it scares her because she doesn't know a thing about me and i told her she doesn't care about me and that it's her fault i am the way i am. i have pushed away everyone in my life i don't text back for days only when i feel like it i am a monster i am everything i tried so hard not to be and honestly i really just|| want to hurt myself|| again but i can't because im going clubbing tomorrow for my friends birthday and im wearing a short dress i can't make it about me

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how do i be good. how do i do it how the fuck do i be good

dense rivet
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Your a human

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And you matter

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2 things that everyone should have with them in their back pocket

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Fuck it, put it in your front pocket

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Go ahead

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Love yourself for who you are

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Not who people see you as

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Fuck them, they don't know shit about you

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You know who you are, and that's all that matters

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It might be scary, but they won't stop there

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You deserve to be known

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You deserve to have people understand you

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Let your self know that

hollow kindle
# dense rivet Let your self know that

thank you so much. i saw this the other night when i came home from the club and it was just really nice to like...hear that. you are so insanely kind for saying this, im sending love to you

dense rivet
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It's true though

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No need to thank me

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Thank yourself for bringing yourself through all of this and coming out the other end in one piece ❤

hollow kindle
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my whole life it feels like they have been trying to kill the good in my heart that reaches it's tendrils out to those who cannot help themselves i have seen those be beaten as if to prove how insignificant they are as if it was a lesson made for me to make my heart as just bitter as his and it seems he has won but i carry the light deep down where no one can reach and i want to let it warm their hearts again to spite everyone who has tried to shackle it

tw//animal cruelty

  • i have always been cursed with falling in love with every stray i see. sickly trees or feral cats or people with fear in their eyes. i don't think my dad meant to punish me for it but he certainly blamed me for feeding stray cats, for making ||him hurt them and use them as target practice|| because he found them annoying. he has changed now. but those lessons stick in me like glue and the fear of hurting something by loving them enough to bring them close haunts me
hollow kindle
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i think i am remembering all the bad things now because my sister is leaving. she is moving out this weekend. im happy for her. it's just that through it all we were there for each other, playing barbie's while my parents darkened the house, ||plugging our ears while the other screamed rooms away,|| thinking of ways we could get ourselves to laugh. my parents have taken their turns leaving while we huddled together telling each other it'd be okay. i guess i never really thought my sister would leave, too. i'm happy for her. it had to happen at some point. we're adults now. it's a good thing. i'll leave too, someday

dense rivet
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I also have a heart for stray cats, every single one of them i try to help, but I don't know if i can do it well.

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But I think that with any animal, they would feel safe either someone like you

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You have a very strong emotional intelligence, and I think you could use that to your advantage.

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Try not to think about the bad things in life, and try looking at the moments that make you smile.

hollow kindle
hollow kindle
dense rivet
hollow kindle
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good things that are happening: i've been more involved in searching out art. i guess mostly on tiktok. but ive been following these small creators who make these amazing animations that reach into my chest and hollow me out. they're devastating and weird and amazing and i love them to bits. and tomorrow night is the last night my sister is living with me, so we're going to build a fort in her empty room and watch movies all night long. and i just bought a wii and im going to play zelda twilight princess, i haven't played it since i was twelve and i never got to finish it because the game broke in the lava dungeon. im excited

dense rivet
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Excited for you 🎉

dense rivet
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just checking in, everything still doing okay for you?

hollow kindle
dense rivet
umbral nacelle
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hope ur ok

hollow kindle
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so something i am doing right now to improve my life is quitting my job. i hate it there, my coworkers are all rude and snippy not only to me, but our customers as well. they remind me of the old ladies in the boy and the heron, huddled together and gossiping about little things in peoples lives that we really have no place in judging them for. i feel so drained spending 40 hours a week with them. and something that i am struggling with is...i have an upcoming trip to Portland. i didn't know this when i scheduled it and paid for it, but it falls on the same week that my boss is going on vacation, so i wouldn't be able to go. and i am unwilling to give that up, i need to go to Portland, it is my yearly escape from the area i grew up in and i have to do it. the problem is, when my boss is gone, they were planning to heavily rely on me to keep things running while she's gone, so me quitting puts them in a pickle. i feel horrible about it but i cannot stand to be at that job anymore, and i refuse to give up on my trip for a job that i hate & for people who make me feel so small. they treat me like a pet, scolding me if i make a mistake, rewarding me with conversation if i join in on the gossip. i just cannot do it there anymore, i cant, i feel like screaming every day.

dense rivet
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I'm glad you're sharing it.

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i hope your trip will go well, keep me updated!

hollow kindle
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so update, i had decided not to quit and just skip on the trip, and when i told my brother he let me know i got the dates wrong (silly me) so i can still cover my coworker & go on the trip (yay!) but i really do want to quit this job soon, it's rough here