#emi's safe space

1 messages · Page 3 of 1

split veldt
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I wish I wasn't here anymore

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Sometimes I wish someone could just come and kill me

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Sometimes I pray to god to take me

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I don't want to be here

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I don't want to be at all

split veldt
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She's crying

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She says I'm making her life hell

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She's really mad

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Because of me

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She keeps hitting her head

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She says it's my fault

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It probably is

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I didn't talk much to not fuel her anger

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That made it worse

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I'm sorry mom

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I'm sorry I didn't die

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If I had a gun rn

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I think I know what I would do

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She said my therapist went by her work and said "is ** mom here. I heard she works here I'd like to see her"

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I know she's fucking lying

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Because 1. My therapist doesn't know where mom works

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  1. I've cut connections with all my previous therapists and I currently don't have one
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  1. She described my old therapist wrong
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  1. Mom raises her eyebrows when she lies
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I hate this

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I hate everything

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I just wish I was dead

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I wish I was gone I wish

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I just wish someone could kill me

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All I ever wanted was to at least not feel like this

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To at least not have this hopeless feeling

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To not have this heavy pain in my chest and in my heart

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I don't want to be here

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I just want to be okay

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I'm not asking for happiness

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Or anything else

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Just to be okay

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Or at least dead

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I wanna do something stupid so bad

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But I can't

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I won't

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She's crying loudly

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I'm crying quietly

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That's the difference

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She's mad at me because I dont sleep with her

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Like I used to

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But I want my own privacy

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I want to sleep alone and not with her checking if I'm breathing every second

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I wanna dieeee

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She's crying

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It's all because of me

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She probably hates me

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She said I ruin her life

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She said I'm a bad child

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I am

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I know I am

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I'm so sorry

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I'm so sorry I survived

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I'm sorry I was born mom

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Mom. I know you won't ever read this but that's the point. I know every little lie you've told. And I'm tired of them. I know you've been through things but you can't just put it all on me. You can't just continue to lie. And lie. And lie. I have felt this thing that's always told me you hate me, and you just keep proving it every day. I'm sorry mom. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm alive. I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to attempt again. I'm sorry my previous attempts didn't work. I'm sorry I was born mom. I'm sorry I am this disgusting human being. I'm sorry that I'm anything but your child. I'm sorry mom. I really am. I'm sorry for breathing. I'm sorry for not being good enough. I'm sorry for not trying enough. I'm sorry for being your child. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm this. I love you mom. I really do. But you hate me. So I can't help but hate myself. I'm sorry I look like this mom. I know you're emberrased from me you say it everyday. I'm sorry I don't look skinny enough mom. I promise I'm trying. I just think that you'd at least like me if I was pretty. Maybe then you'd care. Maybe you'd hate me a little less. I'm really trying mom but I'm sorry it's not enough. I'm sorry.

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"I Want to Take a Bullet (But From My Own Hand)"

I want to take a bullet, but from my own hand,
Not in a moment of rage, but one I planned.
A silent rebellion, no bang or cry,
Just the softest goodbye with a tear in the sky.

No crowd to gather, no hero’s tale,
Just one more name that the echoes pale.
Not martyrdom or glory's sting,
Just a tired soul done feeling anything.

The mirrors scream, the silence grows,
My thoughts dig roots where darkness goes.
I write my pain in invisible ink,
Smiling wide as I start to sink.

They say it's selfish, they say it's wrong,
But never noticed I’ve been fading all along.
I hold the weight with practiced grace,
While shadows trace my hollow face.

Not out of hate, not out of spite,
But exhaustion from the endless fight.
I love the world, yet feel displaced,
A phantom in my own embraced.

If love could’ve saved me, maybe it tried,
But sometimes the aching just won’t subside.
And though I stayed, though I withstood —
There’s only so long one person could.

So if I fall, just let me land,
I want to take a bullet, but from my own hand.

split veldt
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Brother is back from work

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He's being supportive of me

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He gives me this nice feeling of protection

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But it hurts even more to understand that he's been protecting me for years

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I'll never forget when he used to take my hand or cover my ears when mom and dad started yelling

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I'm so happy he's here

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But I wish things were better

split veldt
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I tried to not wear my watch today

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I hate looking at that nasty scar

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But the watch was physically hurting and scratching me because I wore it too much

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Now I have to look at this thing

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Bracelets can't hide it because they keep moving

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I hate this

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But I hate how I don't regret doing it

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I only regret the scar

split veldt
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“I Don’t Know How to Be Here”

The room is loud, but I hear none,
Their words are bullets, I try to run,
Smiles exchanged, none aimed at me—
I stand in place, invisibly.
I don’t know how to be here.

My hands are shaking under the sleeve,
I smile too long, afraid to leave,
The laughter feels like it’s not mine,
Like I’m a shadow misaligned.
I don’t know how to be here.

I count the breaths, one, two, then three,
Trying hard just to be me,
But me is cracked, unsure, unsure,
And silence isn’t safe anymore.
I don’t know how to be here.

They ask a question—I freeze, I blink,
It’s like my brain forgets to think.
Their eyes, like knives, or maybe not—
I still feel pierced with every thought.
I don’t know how to be here.

I sit alone, my throat is tight,
The day is loud, the sky too bright.
If I could vanish, just this once,
Would anyone notice I was gone?
I don’t know how to be here.

I go home drained, from just one day,
From words I didn’t get to say.
I take the mask off, close my eyes,
And wonder how tomorrow tries…
I don’t know how to be here.

split veldt
split veldt
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“The Floor Might Swallow Me Whole”

Eyes are on me—
or maybe they’re not.
But the thought alone
ties my chest in a knot.
My tongue turns to stone,
my breath turns to glass,
each second is hours,
each question won’t pass.

A room full of laughter
feels loud in my skin,
like every loud giggle
is digging right in.
I shift in my chair,
heart pounding with dread,
too scared to speak,
too loud in my head.

My hands start to tremble,
my throat’s getting tight,
I rehearse every word
then forget them mid-flight.
They're just being nice,
my brain says “they’ll hate you,”
“Why are you even here?”
“Soon they’ll all rate you.”

I stare at the ground,
avoid every glance.
“Don’t draw attention,”
“Don’t take a chance.”
If I speak, I’ll stutter.
If I don’t, I’ll seem cold.
I wish I could vanish—
the floor might swallow me whole.

Behind every silence
is a war I fight,
a hundred “what ifs”
in the span of one night.
They’ll never quite know
what this quiet means—
It’s not lack of thought,
but thoughts that scream.

So I stay in the corners,
with my back to the wall,
pretending I’m fine,
while I’m bracing to fall.
And maybe I won’t,
but I never feel whole—
always waiting, just waiting,
for the floor to swallow me whole.

split veldt
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I just realized I've been staring at the ceiling for too long

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Its like 2 and a half

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I haven't done literally anything

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The tv is on but idek what it's playing atp

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I just keep checking discord then I lay on the ground again

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Idk

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I'm fine tho

split veldt
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"No One Heard Me"

She woke to the weight in her chest again,
Another morning, another pretend.
The mirror just stared, as it always had,
At a girl with a smile stitched over the sad.

She weighed herself down with silence each day,
While the numbers mocked her and danced away.
Thighs too thick, arms not small,
She screamed without sound through it all.

They said she was fine. She looked okay.
But she skipped more meals than she’d ever say.
OMADs and water, the caffeine shakes,
Pushing through hunger 'til something breaks.

The bathroom floor knew her breath the best,
Where she lay just trying to give it a rest.
Clock in hand, heart in pain,
Counting seconds between the shame.

Five months clean — her proudest fight,
But the blade still whispered every night.
And one day, when the storm got loud,
She slipped again beneath the shroud.

They noticed the weight drop, sure —
But no one asked "Are you okay?" anymore.
Not when she smiled and played her part,
Not when they never saw the scars on her heart.

She wrote songs for friends she never met,
Pouring love in lyrics through the internet.
And one of them — he saved her days,
With a voice that pulled her from the haze.

But even stars burn out in skies,
And every hello felt like a future goodbye.
Fear of loss, the kind that aches,
Made her heart crack more than it could take.

So she shut it down, turned off the lights,
Let the voices win in the quiet of night.
She didn’t scream, she didn’t fight —
Just slipped away beneath the fright.

The note was simple. The message bare.
"I tried. I promise. But no one cared."
And when they found her, too late to save,
They said, "She was always so brave."

Now the mirror holds no more pain,
Just dust, and shadows, and a name.
And the silence she carried all her life —
Rests now, forever, free from strife.

But maybe — maybe — if someone had seen,
If someone had asked what her silence could mean…
She wouldn’t be more memory than skin.
But no one ever heard her within.

split veldt
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I kind of just went through some old snap memories

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Soo I'ma share some

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I miss them a lot..

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Cute friendship bracelets (I never knew they weren't actually my friends and were bullying me in a 'joke' matter)

Snapchat-483304227.jpg
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I was not the stitch..

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It was nice

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Until the attempt happened

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My brother took me to that carnival

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So after my attempt mom kept saying

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"no matter what depression you have, you going to that carnival with your brother should have cured it!"

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I got a lot of slaps that day

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Mom becomes a completely different person when she's mad

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I'm gonna go through my Google photos history now..

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split veldt
split veldt
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split veldt
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And conversation ss

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I'm deleting the ss

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Cuz hell nah I ain't rereading ts

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split veldt
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How my writing was until everyone told me a chicken writes better so I changed it (it's worse)

Screenshot_2025-08-11-01-07-16-954_com.google.android.apps.photos.jpg
unkempt ravine
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said by someone prob

split veldt
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At least at some pics I was photogenic

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I'ma find the landscape pictures

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I'm posting them in my normal journal if yall wanna see em

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split veldt
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Albanian

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Ohh

split veldt
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Tw:it's a pretty dark theme

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||"Feast of Ash"

The moon drips pale on fields of bone,
where whispers rot in flesh and stone.
The air tastes thick with copper dread,
and roads are paved with things long dead.
The kings drink wine from broken skulls,
while servants carve the screaming gulls;
their laughter seeps through shattered glass,
a choir raised from piles of ash.
The rivers run in clotting red,
they feed the crops the slaughtered bled,
and children sing in hollow tones,
to lull the worms inside their bones.
The sun won’t rise—it fears the sky,
where angels fall and learn to die.
The earth, she grins, her teeth of coal,
and swallows whole the human soul.
So eat, my friend, the feast is near—
your plate is stacked with pain and fear.
And when you choke, the world will cheer,
for no one leaves the banquet here.||

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I tried smth new

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I feel unreal right now

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Derealization probably

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Im not happy

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But idk if I'm sad

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I can't rlly stop zoning out

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And no I didn't have coffee tdy

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I woke up at 5pm

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After, not sleeping for like. Almost 4 days, I did take 2h naps

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The 2h sleep kinda follows me

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For some reason

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But idk if ica

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I feel like I'm drowning, but on air

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Idrk what's wrong w me

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I can't seem to take full breaths but I'ma not dwell on that

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split veldt
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I kind of miss the time I wasn't clean

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Ik that's probably not good

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But I badly miss it

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I can't stop thinking ab it

split veldt
jagged urchin
split veldt
split veldt
jagged urchin
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As bad as that time was you probably found comfort in it and thats why you miss if i had to guess

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Thats how it is for me

split veldt
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Yeah

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I dunno tho

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I always regret it afterwards

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Although..

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Long sleeves would help

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Idk

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I'ma just stfu

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Zevia is a little too real

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I'd give her a hug if I could

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My breath has been acting up bad

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Man

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Shit sucks

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I'm not necessarily suicidal

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But if I knew it'd work

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I'd probably do itt

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But I don't so

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I feel like everytime I'm not feeling like this I'm js lying to myself

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Idk

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I'm questioning why I'm clean rn

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Overthinking goes hard

split veldt
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Who hurt Zevia :(.

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She's lovely tho

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split veldt
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split veldt
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Untitled is fire

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I'm pretty tempted rn

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I don't want to relapse..

split veldt
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It wont help

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I'm sorry

split veldt
split veldt
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I'm sorry

split veldt
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Just make sure you are safe

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I will

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Mb

split veldt
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Fuck

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I'm scared

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I'm so scared

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One of my best friends online

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Is deleting discord

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And the other one

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Is commiting

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Fyck

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Fuck

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This can't be happening

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No

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There's nothing I can do

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She won't listen

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No

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What if she's already gone

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I can't stop crying

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She can't just go

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It's not fair

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I don't want her to go

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Please god no

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She doesn't deserve this

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She's already been through enough please

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Please don't let her do anything

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No

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My heart hurts

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Bad

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I can't breathe

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I'm having a fucking anxiety attack

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Or panic

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Can't tell

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God no

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Please

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Please be okay

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She's not responding

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Oh no

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Oh no

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Fuck

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I couldn't help her

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It's all my fault

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Emi..

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Fuck

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No

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Dont say that

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There is only so much one can do through a screen

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And when people make up their minds especially with something like this its hard to get them to shake it.

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Im so sorry

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I understand how you feel

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I hope they are okay too

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No if I would've said the right thing she would've listened

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She listened to me before

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But I was late

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I was too late

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Fuck

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I'm sorry

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It doesnt always work..

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Sometimes

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People just

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Cant get their minds changed

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Im so sorry emi

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All you can do is hope that they are okay

unkempt ravine
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as much as you want to be there for everyone there are some people you can't be there for as upsetting as it is

split veldt
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Again emi, there is only so much you can do from behind a screen

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I'm scared

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I really am

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I'm really trying to breathe

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Fuck

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I'm sorry guys

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I really am

unkempt ravine
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don't be teto_heart

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split veldt
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Idk if she's okay..

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Maybe someone found her

split veldt
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Her family isn't home at this time

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Idk

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I see

split veldt
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Ima go

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Sorry

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split veldt
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I have an itsy bitsy urge

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But I promised

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Ifk

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Idk

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I'm not very good with promises..

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I'ma put this in a drawing

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split veldt
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I'm not done yet tho so.

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It's about the same thing but I'll add more details

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It looks dumb but it has a meaning

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The part behind is darkness

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And the thingy with black and grey is supposingly a person

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But it's not meant to look like a human

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Because we only see ourselves as monsters

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The part around it that looks like a skin color is the human skin

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The human part

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As you can see the 'monster' is holding a basket

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The basket can have 2 meanings

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1 it holds happiness

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2 it holds the humanity the person has

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And a part of the basket is ruined

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So everything the basket holds is falling down now

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Which is making the 'monster' slowly fade

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Or the person

unkempt ravine
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i love how this drawing actually has meaning behind it as well even while it's still being drawn

split veldt
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Yeah

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And

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The darkness is reaching mostly at the head

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That's why it's more different at the top

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It has no face

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It's just an illusion

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Because it doesn't remember it's face

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But the humanity surrounding the monster

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Isn't fully gone

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Soooo

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Yeah

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I'll post it when it's done ig

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I'm not good at drawing so this is kinda trash

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Okay fuck I made it worse

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I suck at this

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Man

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It looks like shit

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I'm sorry

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Idk what went through my head

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Man

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The more I look at it the more I hate it

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Man

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I tried making it unrealistic

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So that it means the monster isn't real sadness

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God I hate it

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Fuck

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I shouldn't have been so overconfident in my art skills

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I'm staring at a ||razor|| rn..

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That's probably bad

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Please don’t do it

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split veldt
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Ig..

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split veldt
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I fucked up

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I'm sorry

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I'm really sorry

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I'm sorry guys

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I know it's wrong

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I

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Idk

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Idk anymore

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I'm sorry

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I'll

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I'll try and stay

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I promise I'll

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I'll try

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I'm sorry

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I understand

plucky wigeon
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hi emi

split veldt
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Idk why but it stings more than usually

split veldt
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"Hymn for a Hollow World"

Beneath a sky that bleeds in black,
the wind drags screams and won’t bring them back.
The ground is split with hungry cracks,
where light falls in and never tracks.
The cities hum like dying bees,
their towers bowed to broken knees,
while merchants trade in bones for gold,
and sell the living to the cold.
The gutters cough with crawling flies,
that nest in mouths and hollow eyes;
the orphans laugh in twisted play,
and build their toys from things that slay.
The preachers choke on holy lies,
as saints are hung and left for spies;
the prayers they said, like smoke, ascend—
then curl and burn before they bend.
Beneath the earth, the worms convene,
to crown their queen in rot and spleen,
while up above, the crows all sing
a lullaby for suffering.
The oceans boil, the forests choke,
the clouds turn black with ashen smoke,
and in the streets, the starving moan,
yet all are told they’re not alone.
But when the final stars fall down,
the earth will wear her ashen crown,
and feast upon the silent clay
of all the ones she kept at bay.
For this is not a tale of war,
or plagues that came to strike the poor—
it’s simply life, its truth unfurled,
a hymn for this hollow world.

split veldt
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I'm lost.
Lost in my sins and in my mistakes.
In this house that was home but now it's just hell.
In this feeling deep inside that makes me slowly rot within.
That makes me slowly climb outside of this shell I call my life.
I don't want this shell.
I don't want to breathe.
Because when I do I just lose a part of me.
I lose what I once was while trying to defeat
The dark dark monster inside of me.
And I cry and weep and scream and try
To turn the lights back fucking on.
But I can't.
This is not depression it's just being human.
A human without hope with nothing to lose
Because I lost everything when I lost my truth.
There's no poetic words behind this poem
As there's no humanity behind each human.
As there's no light behind the sun but just heat and never warm.
Never warm enough.
Too much too little until it's gone.
Now the moon is here but no one wants the moon because with the moon comes with the dark.
But I want the dark but I want the sun.
I just want to feel like I'm someone.
I pull on the curtains to hide what I see
To not see the world
To not believe I live.
I put towels on my mirror to hide what I see.
Because what I see, is not what I want me to be.
I don't want me to be.

split veldt
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Fake smiling at ppl makes me lwk sad

split veldt
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No no no no no no no

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Not again

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Fuck

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Oh fuck

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Shit

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My friend

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She's attempting again

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Oh fuck

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God no

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Please god no

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Omfg

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No

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This can't be happening

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Not again

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Please don't let this happen god

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I'm begging you

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Fuck

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Oh god

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Idk what to do

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Omg

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Shit

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What do I do

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She won't listen

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Oh god

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She od

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She won't listen to seek medical help

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Fuck I can't breathe

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No

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This can't be real

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It can't be

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I can't lose her

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No

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It's all my fault

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If I texted her before it I would've distracted her

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Oh fuck

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Oh god someone is fucking dying and I can't even help

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Oh no

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I can't even fucking breathe

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No

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She can't js go

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She can't just leave me

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No

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Fuck

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My heart

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No

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Oh god no

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Omfg I'm so useless

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I'm such a bad friend

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Oh god

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No please no

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She won't answer

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No.....

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She's gone..

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Oh no

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It's all my fault

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I didn't help

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It's all my fault

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Fuck

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I'm sorry

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I'm sorry sam..

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I'm really sorry

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She's really gone..

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And another friend tried too.

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I almost lost both of my friends..

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But she puked it out

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Meanwhile the other one.

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I'm sorry

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I'll miss you sam

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I'm sorry I wasn't a good friend

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I don't want to believe this

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She couldn't have just left me..

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Sweet sweet sam

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Fuck

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I'm sorry I couldn't protect you

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split veldt
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It really is ..

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it isn't why do you think that

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also im really sorry that you have to go through that

split veldt
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If I texted her before she did it I could've distracted her

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If only I pushed her to talk to me maybe I could've helped

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I didn't

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I left her alone when she told me to and maybe it was never the right thing

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I fucked up

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Now she's dead

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split veldt
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It's been an hour.

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Her last text was goodbye after she explained what she did

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split veldt
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She was alone

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She's been alone for a week

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oh i see

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i'm sorry to hear that

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but it isn't your fault

split veldt
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Right

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split veldt
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Maybe

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Maybe not

spark brook
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What I will say is if someone is set on doing something, there isn’t much you can do to talk them out of it.

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It’s still hard, and I’m sorry you had to go through that

split veldt
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Oh fuck

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Someone just said in the confession bot

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"I have 2 packs of pills that are lethal if you take more than 2 a day. I'm sorry emi"

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No this cant be what I think it is...

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"I have 2 containers filled with pills that are lethal to take more then 2 a day. I'm sorry emi... ❤️"

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Fuckkkk

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Oh god

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Oh fuck

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This cant be happening..

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split veldt
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She's not answering

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Omfg

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Oh god

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Oh god

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Fuck

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keep trying

split veldt
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Please be okay

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Fuck

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you shouldn't be going through all of this

split veldt
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Omg she's responded

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She didn't take then

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Them

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Fuck oh fuck

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split veldt
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I can't breat

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Hyperventilating

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Fuck

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split veldt
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I suck at this

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Fuck

#

I feel like I can't help anyone

#

I feel so useless

#

Maybe I should stop being so confident thinking I can actually help

#

Because at this point it's bs

#

I wish I could just stop fucking up everything

#

I feel like I make everything worse

split veldt
#

News got in. Sam's dead.

#

I'm sorry sam

#

I really am

#

I'm sorry I wasn't there at that moment

#

I'm sorry for being a bad friend sam

#

I'll never ever ever forget you

silver karma
spark brook
#

I’m sorry to hear that

unkempt ravine
split veldt
#

My cousin is here for today too

#

She keeps whining about how she doesn't want to be here.

#

I'm pretty sure she hates me and is just pretending to like me

#

Maybe I'm overthinking this

#

Ion know

#

I had a friend that used to live close to me

#

She might be moving out.

#

Maybe it would have been easier to walk into school w her.

#

Ig not anymore

split veldt
#

Mom came back home

#

Now she's blaming me because my cousin didn't eat

#

Although she had the food on the fucking table

#

The whole time that she was home alone w me

#

She js went to the bathroom and spoke on the phone

#

So I took a nap

#

How could I possibly know she won't eat without someone telling her to

#

This is why I hate having most people over.

#

All the responsibility falls to me

#

Unlike some guests who are actually nice and polite

#

Like damn girl

spark brook
#

I don’t know the specific dynamics between you and your cousin, but is it possible she’s antisocial and just doesn’t like parties in general?

split veldt
split veldt
#

I love how every time I'm not emotionally or mentally well people decide to add to that. Thanks dear family

spark brook
#

Yeah, I know how that is

#

I don’t have a good relationship with my mom. She tries stuff anyway thinking it’ll fix things and as for her part in my problems she just tells me to get over myself basically. Last week she tried to have a talk with me which quickly turned into an argument because I tried to shut it down. Eventually she left me alone but just to be a spiteful ||bitch|| she took my ||knife|| and ||lighter|| (unopened) with her. I drove myself to the store to buy another and she used my spare key to invite herself along, really pissed me off. I ended up not being able to buy a new one since I bought the last one last time I was there, so I settled for replacement ||blades|| instead. I did end up buying myself 2 ||knives|| the next day at a different store though.

Point being the stress it caused me pushed me to ||cut myself|| more. At some point her frustration turned from trying to talk to arguing with me. Very helpful ||bitch||, thanks.

split veldt
spark brook
#

Quite honestly I don’t think I had a way out. She forced herself into my room and based on her using my spare key probably would’ve made it so I couldn’t leave.

I’ve thought about leaving but I dunno. Maybe I will eventually

split veldt
#

You probably should

spark brook
#

Enough about me though, what’s your family doing that’s stressing you out if you wanna say?

split veldt
spark brook
#

What do you mean by lending trauma is she dumping her trauma on you or something?

split veldt
#

Shes acting like the people that caused her trauma

silver karma
spark brook
#

Almost as if because it’s what she’s been exposed to for so long that’s all she knows how to do herself

#

Why why why do people do things to each other, just perpetuates the endless cycle of pain

#

I don’t really have any good words of advice for you, except maybe therapy will help her or something?

split veldt
#

I've told her

#

My therapist has also said he'd talk to her but she doesn't want to

spark brook
#

Well as someone who’s been resistant myself, yeah there’s not much you can do then unfortunately

split veldt
#

I feel extremely down tdy sadness

#

I keep zoning out into bad thoughts

#

Ion know

#

I dont really wanna be here....

#

But I have no choice..

#

I'm trying to be silly to lighten up my own mood

#

It's not rlly working

#

I wish Samantha was still here...

#

I always called her sam..

#

Now I can't call her that anymore

#

I'm scared to sleep again

#

Ion know why but

#

I have this very sure feeling that my nightmares are gonna be bad tnt

#

I hope it's not sleep paralysis

#

That would actually drain me completely

spark brook
#

Would it help to talk about it at all?

split veldt
#

I talk about it to most close people

#

Doesn't really do much

split veldt
#

I went to a friend's house tdy

#

Didn't stay much

#

She's a nice friend but she's moving out

#

I still feel very tired today

#

Mentally and physically

#

I'll be fine tho probably

#

My cousin kept talking on the phone w my ex friend

#

That made me feel pretty anxious

#

They came to pick up my cousin

#

She seemed so happy.

#

Ig she doesn't like staying w us

#

Or me..

#

Wow.

#

I had a really close friend here

#

She's leaving discord too...

#

Wow.

#

I'm slowly losing everyone

#

Oh fuck

#

She didn't mean she's leaving discord

#

She means she's leaving

#

I have to help her

#

I have to fix this

#

I can't let her go too

silver karma
split veldt
#

I'm scared..

#

At first she said she'll think about it

#

But now

#

Now she js says sorry

#

Fuck

#

No I can't lose her

#

She's like a sister

#

No

#

Fuck

#

I knew something bad was going to happen today

#

I just knew it

split veldt
#

Wow.

#

Im slowly losing everyone

split veldt
#

It's been more than an hour..

silver karma
split veldt
#

Omfg

#

I hate this

#

I hate everything

silver karma
split veldt
#

Mom just won't keep mentioning everything I've done in my past

#

Atp I'm fucking begging her to get professional help

#

I can't deal with my own mh and have to deal w hers too

#

It's not fair

#

I don't want this

#

I don't want to have to remember everything just because she wants to mention it

#

Like fucking stop now

#

I've told you to stop so why won't you

#

Just let me move on

#

I want to move on but you won't let me

#

You can't keep saying that you're acting like this because you're a mother

#

No

#

Fuck

#

I just wish I could stop everything

#

I want to stop everything

#

I want to go back

#

I don't want things to go like this

#

I just don't want this

#

I don't want this stupid life

#

All I get everyday is just

#

Anxiety, sadness

#

Disappointment

#

I'm tired

#

I'm genuinely fucking tired

silver karma
#

Yeah I get it

#

You’ve gone through way too much

#

For an adult let alone a person your age 😕

split veldt
#

I don't want this anymore

#

I can't do this

#

It's not fair

silver karma
silver karma
split veldt
#

She can't just say the most diabolical shit then just go on and start smiling and laughing and doing baby voices as if she's the kindest human being

#

I don't want it to be like this like

#

Why

#

Why me

#

Why do I have to keep breathing in this polluted humanity

#

I don't want to live

#

I don't want to breathe

#

Why can't god just fucking take me already

#

Why can't he just save me from this filth

#

Why

#

How much more do I have to beg him to kill me

#

Why would he make me keep living when I don't want to

#

I just

#

Im too much

#

For everyone

#

🙁

silver karma
split veldt
#

I just want to be okay..

#

I just want to forget everything that has happened

#

But I can't do that when everyone keeps reminding

#

Not many people have gone through the things that you have gone through

#

That shows strength and determination

#

No. People go through worse that's not true

#

These experiences give you insight that not many people have

split veldt
silver karma
split veldt
#

Not many people have gone through what you have gone through

#

Everyone is just fucking leaving

#

I don't get why I have to stay and watch them leave

#

I understand that pain

#

Its terrible

#

And im sorry that you must experience that

silver karma
#

Yeah

split veldt
#

I just

#

I don't want to do this anymore

#

I can't

#

You have to keep pushing

#

I know I have to but

#

I js can't

#

If stronger people are giving up what makes me special enough to stay?

#

Nothing

#

You are stronger than you see yourself

#

You have made it this far

#

What if it's just luck

#

Do you really believe in luck?

#

Ion know

#

Or are you just using it as something to hide something else

silver karma
split veldt
#

Idk

#

My own actions would have had me dead.

#

But ofc stupid people had to save me

#

They save me then they disappear

#

Because I'm too much

#

Yet not enough for their petty little plans

#

I just wish no one had saved me

#

Then none of you would have met me and no one would have to deal w my bs

#

Not even I

split veldt
split veldt
silver karma
split veldt
#

Idk

split veldt
#

Everything and everyone seems off. Maybe that's js me

split veldt
#

Today just seems off

#

Yeah

#

I have this weird feeling

#

I can't describe it

#

It's just

#

Empty

#

Mhm

#

The girl I talked about is online..

#

She won't respond to anything

#

Hm

split veldt
split veldt
#

Dms?

#

Mhm

split veldt
spark brook
# split veldt They save me then they disappear

Ya know, I have an analogy for people like that who try and stop us from leaving. It’s like abortion. Whatever opinion you may have on the issue, there are some who will do anything to prevent it from happening. However once the baby is born, mom and baby get no support.

#

You don’t see these same people trying to make sure mothers get the help they need

split veldt
#

Mhm

#

That's a pretty accurate comparison

#

Found my bottle w can caps or wtv they're called

#

Let's see how bad my caffeine addiction was on July or June ion know

#

67

#

That's ironic

spark brook
#

67?

split veldt
#

Found my old lyrics notebook smh

split veldt
spark brook
#

Ah ok

split veldt
silver karma
split veldt
#

Had to cut my nails bc I scratched myself when I was asleep smh

silver karma
spark brook
#

Long nails annoy me after a while

split veldt
#

Yk whats ironic

#

I had this paper star thing my friends gave me for Christmas

#

And I put it on a paper

#

And behind it was written "nothing ever lasts forever"

#

Ironic cuz they're not my friends anymore

#

Strange indeed

spark brook
split veldt
split veldt
#

Oh fuck

#

Oh god oh god

#

No

#

I can't breathe

#

I can't do anything

#

All I can do is cry

#

No

#

The loml

#

Can't be gone

#

He cant leave me too

#

Please

#

God please no

#

Please

#

I'm too weak for this

#

Please

#

It's too much God please

#

Don't take him away from me

#

Please

#

I can't do this without him

#

Please God

#

He's my only hope in this stupid world

#

Please

#

Don't do this to me

#

God I'm sorry

#

I'm sorry

#

I'm sorry

quaint shadow
#

What happened

split veldt
#

My bf

#

My baby my sweet sweet bf

#

He might be committing

#

And there's nothing I can do

#

Fuck

quaint shadow
#

U mean suicide?

split veldt
#

Yes

quaint shadow
#

Do u know where he is

split veldt
#

I don't

#

I know where he's headed

#

Fuck

#

I can't

#

Even breathe

#

I can't lose him

quaint shadow
#

Can u try to take a deep breath

split veldt
#

I just want him to be back

quaint shadow
#

Ok, try to calm your mind, if u know where he is try to find him

split veldt
#

We're in different states

silver karma
#

Oh no

quaint shadow
#

Oh

silver karma
split veldt
#

No response

silver karma
#

Oh no

split veldt
#

I can't fucking do this without him

#

I told you

#

I told you I'm losing everyone

#

I knew I was going to lose him to

#

4 people

#

4 people in 3 days

#

I can't

#

No

#

Fuck no

#

He can't be gone

#

No.

quaint shadow
#

Can u call his parents at all or one of his relatives

silver karma
split veldt
#

I don't have them

quaint shadow
#

I’m so sorry

split veldt
#

I want to go back

#

I want to go back to when we were talking and having fun

#

And being together

#

I want him to be here

#

We had so many plans

#

What happened to all of them

#

Please God don't do this to me

silver karma
#

You don’t deserve this

#

At all

quaint shadow
#

Yeah

#

I’m so sorry

#

I wish I could do anything to help but I can’t think of anything

spark brook
#

I already did what I could, all we can do now is hope things work out

#

I urge you to call the police or something if you think he’s in danger

split veldt
#

If he's gone I'll genuinely kms.

#

He broke his promises

#

Why tf should I keep mine?

#

Why

#

Why tf

#

It's not fair

#

This is not fair

#

Nothing is fair

silver karma
silver karma
#

At all

#

You shouldn’t be going through all of this

spark brook
#

Sounds like he’s gonna be okay

split veldt
#

im sorry for overreacting

unkempt ravine
#

just be glad he's alright 🙂‍↕️

split veldt
#

mhm

quaint shadow
#

Is he ok

split veldt
quaint shadow
#

Thank goodness

spark brook
#

Brother you weren’t exactly over reacting

silver karma
silver karma
split veldt
#

yeah

split veldt
#

My heart hurts pretty badly tn

#

I'm going to try and sleep

#

I feel like I'm slowly giving in to my nightmares

#

I haven't gotten sleep paralysis in a while

#

I'm scared it might happen tnt

#

Hm.

#

Ig I really have no choice

#

I need sleep so

#

If I give up

#

Last night I scratched myself when I was asleep

#

I hate ts

#

I await the day ill sleep in peace

split veldt
split veldt
#

I'll go now

#

God I hope I can at least not get too many dreams

#

Ok goodnight, sleep good

#

Ty bye

split veldt
#

My old friend added me on snap.

#

Again.

#

He removed me because his cousin. My bsf at the time had a fight with me

#

Now he has added me again

#

Now suddenly I'm just rethinking everything that happened

split veldt
#

Everything will crash down in the end

#

Won't it

#

Atp why am i still waiting

#

Even idk

#

Ig one day ill just disappear

#

We're online so

#

Who'd even notice

#

Maybe you'd remember me one day and call yourself dumb for liking me or talking to me

#

I dont blame you

#

I dont really make a change anyway

#

So really

#

Why do I still hope

split veldt
#

I genuinely hate myself more than usually right now

silver karma
#

happened

spark brook
split veldt
#

I just

#

Badly badly wish I wasn't alive

#

I wish I could've kms before I lost so many people

#

I want sam back

#

I want sashy back

#

Why did I have to be alive through this

#

I want joud to be okay

#

I want boden to be okay

#

Why can I just

#

For once

#

For fucking once

#

Just help

#

Why can't I help..

silver karma
#

i see

silver karma
#

you did everything you could do

#

but you cant save everyone

split veldt
#

I could've done something

#

I didn't

#

Now I'm losing joud too

#

And I'm scared I'll lose boden too

#

I don't want to go through that

#

I feel like I should just

#

Do something so I won't see it happen

silver karma
silver karma
split veldt
#

Talked them out of it

split veldt
silver karma
silver karma
split veldt
#

Mhm..

#

Two birds

#

On a wire.

#

One says hello

#

And the other

#

Says

#

I'm. Tired..

silver karma
#

please don't hurt yourself

split veldt
#

I won't.

#

I need one more reason to end it so I can't

silver karma
split veldt
#

I won't.

silver karma
split veldt
#

No more signs or venting. One day you'll be here, and I won't.

silver karma
split veldt
#

Ion know if I should talk here anymore

#

My brother made me cry this morning.

#

He also said I don't have a right to cry

#

And that I only have a right to clean around.

#

I have this terrible feeling that he's taking more than nicotine at his job

#

I won't jump to conclusions tho..

#

He genuinely made me question me staying here

unkempt ravine
#

dont listen to your brother WAH

silver karma
split veldt
#

Btw he made me cry because I asked if the wifi is on.

#

So he started yelling at me how I should not ask about the wifi but about the chores

#

I told him ik the chores because I do them everyday and he said I don't see you doing them

silver karma
split veldt
#

He's literally at work..

#

He's been doing this a lot lately

#

He yelled at me because the remote wasn't working

#

And said it's my fault and that I probably did something to it

#

Turns out the battery was over..

#

He also almost took away my key rights

silver karma
split veldt
#

Said if my cousin gets out of this house it's my fault and I will never have a key to this house again

#

Yeah

#

I might've worded that wrong

#

I meant he'd take away my key

#

But I need it for school..

silver karma
split veldt
#

Yes.

silver karma
#

that's so messed up

split veldt
#

The thing is he hid my key once

#

Just because he doesn't want our cousin to get out of the house

#

I was going absolutely nuts because I thought I was the one that lost it

#

And I need it for when school starts

#

I'm home alone until 3pm

#

Actually now it's 4 because mom has more hours now

#

And we have gas problems..

#

Until it's fixed it's absolutely lethal to be stranded here

#

Istg idk what to expect from him

#

He was strict but he started being more kind

#

Now suddenly he acts like he hates me

#

He was absolutely going berserk at me

#

Then he smiled and spoke normally to my cousin

#

I absolutely hate this fucking house

#

Idk if they'll be sweet or not

#

I hate myself so badly but I promised my fav people to stay clean.

#

And I am staying clean.

#

I want to change

#

For them

silver karma
#

I’m sorry for replying late btw

#

I was busy

spark brook
#

Geez that’s awful behavior

#

And what’s so important about making sure your cousin can’t leave if you don’t mind my asking?

split veldt
split veldt
#

Another fight.

#

Suddenly I'm not allowed to do anything to my face without his permission.

#

He says I need a reason to put make up on

#

Mf I need a reason to not fucking kms rfn

silver karma
#

have you tried telling your parents

split veldt
#

Dad is barely ever home because he works out of state and mom always avoids any argument

#

It's not fair

#

I dnt have control over my phone

#

I dnt have control over my mouth

#

My body

#

My fce

#

Nothing is mine anymore

#

I bet even my life isn't mine atp

silver karma
#

yeah that's just wrong

split veldt
#

I don't know why I keep trying. Things will never get better

#

I'm just

#

Stuck