#Gay person things

79 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

marsh kiln
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I think I might be gender fluid or smth idk

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Ive been having alot of days where I love the idea of taking estrogen to fix alot of my self hate issues but some days the very thought of wearing a skirt makes me sick and annoyed while also depressed because I can't think of anything better as a solution

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Some days I wanna wear skirts but it's always just pleated short skirt I like (the ones that go from the belly button to halfway down the thigh) and other skirt just annoy me, why do I only like those skirts, why do I hate them some days and love them so much the next that I become depressed that I don't own any

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I've never really cared if someone called me she/her because it was always accidental but even when it was mocking I never minded, some days it even puts a small smile on my face just thinking about it but I've never hated being called he/him or they/them, I've just never cared.

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I know I'm rambling but estrogen and skirts just don't feel like they would be negative things to have if I could have them, estrogen would help relieve some fear of balding (my mum's dad was bald and that means I'm likely to go bald also) make my skin softer, make my butt more rounded and help get bigger thighs, the idea of muscles disgusts me sometimes and boobs often time sound like a lovely thing other than a flat chest, but also I don't mind a flat chest, when I shave my body hair and face hair they wouldn't grow back as bushy and thick, there's just so many self image issues I could fix if I took estrogen, if estrogen stopped me from going bald I could get surgery to lower my hairline on my forehead.

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But a negative is that it would cause my manhood to shrink or cause ED, i don't hate that part of me, it's almost everything else I want to change, even my voice would get softer and quieter, that sounds like a dream because my voice disgusts me

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This is the type of skirt I love, but some days I hate it and I don't know why

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Another con of being gender fluid is that my mum has said some homophobic things about the community

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Why am I like this

marsh kiln
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Prop gonna delete this soon, not sure how I feel about this

fathom hare
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You probably are genderfluid and there's nothing wrong with it!! But the smartest thing to probably do is not come out Ur mom from what I've read doesn't sound like she would be supportive and would be toxic(brigney spears ref!!) I hope U cna feel comfortable in ur body atleast!!

marsh kiln
marsh kiln
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internally confused, eternally suffering

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i feel like i want to take estrogen rn but what if tmr i dont like that idea, i like the idea more often than i dont like it, isnt there some kind of therapy i can go to for help for this kinda thing or is my body forever gonna want everything and nothing at the same time

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also if i take estrogen then that means eventually i will have to come out to my family

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and that sounds like hell on earth

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why must i suffer this fate

marsh kiln
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how is it that i managed to get a class that is entirely trans people, its a small class of like 6 people and there was one person there that wasn't trans, i know its a art uni but still, aren't they rare? it felt so awkward when they all went around asking pronouns and stuff and i was like "uhh im name, bisexual, he/him" i somehow felt bad when i said he/him, but i put that down as being the odd one out (i am not gonna question being trans or gender fluid while in class). then we got on the topic of cosplay and Halloween costumes and everything was fine, they had cool fits but when the trans girl showed us her Halloween fit my mind decided that i was gonna be jealous of the fact that that she was wearing a cute skirt in public and im not even able to buy one without getting scared someone will search my room and find it. my mind also decided it was gonna spend the rest of the day thinking only of how i wouldn't look good in a skirt or anything cute while also making me want to buy some on impulse

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the skirt in context for those who might read my loser ramblings

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native stream
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The grouping was probably intentional.

marsh kiln
native stream
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I mean those in charge of putting you in groups put you into the LGBTQ group purposefully. It probably wasn't random.

marsh kiln
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I dont think they did, I think it was just coincidence that the entire class is LGBTQ

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It's an art school so I shouldn't be surprised

cerulean lark
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May I question, are you into boys or girls at the end of the day? Or like bi

marsh kiln
marsh kiln
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couldnt find my journal so im just gonna tell it here

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earlier today i was at the news agency near the train station and while waiting for my mum to pick me up a dude came past and asked me for a ciggy, when I said I didn't have one he said alr and walked past me, when he got behind where I was sitting he reached over and grabbed my chest, at first I thought he was just patting my chest as a way to say no worries but when I looked down he had his hand in a claw grip, it took me awhile to process what happened and now a couple hours later I'm not sure how to feel about it, on one hand some would consider that sexual assault or harassment and my when i told my mum she wasn't happy about it but on the other hand I'm a dude and he probably didn't mean it like that.

marsh kiln
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me when i see people who are confident in who they are

marsh kiln
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Found out estrogen won't stop my voice from sounding gruff 😞

marsh kiln
marsh kiln
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Gay Agenda

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every time i hear creep by Radiohead i think of my ex-boyfriend, it hurts because i can only see the beauty in him while I'm just me, it hurts to know he thinks terribly about himself and is growing distant from the friend group, all i want to do is show him what i see in him but i know i cant, i know he's depressed and I'm terrified I'm gonna wake up to my mum telling me he's no longer with us, he's the first and only person I've ever had feelings for and i don't want to lose him, i almost killed myself a couple months ago and i don't know how badly it would hurt if i knew i couldn't see his face again. i know we broke up but that was because he believed i deserved better because he was depressed and distant and had health issues but i don't care about titles, i just like to see him smile and laugh, i want him to be happy even if we aren't together.

marsh kiln
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Gay person things

marsh kiln
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So me, my mum and dad are drunk and we were talking about Yunghd, I said K was surprised they like him because he wore skirts on stage and my dad said he didn't car so I responded with "so if I walked out with a skirt rn you wouldng care?" And he said no

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I had to stop talking as much because I felt like I was gonna cry because earlier today he agreed with my mum when she said trans people aren't trans until they had bottom surgery

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I was so tempted to buy a skirt right there but I realised (E rn tho I'm drunk rn) that TMR hey won't think the same

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Then I almost started crying because I realised that my brother, younger sister and parents wouldn't think the same and that I technically came out as gender fluid to my sister

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I'm gon die tmr

marsh kiln
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oh god, i need to remember to stay quiet when im drunk 😭

marsh kiln
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logging onto shein has to be a two way street for me, its either im looking at funny pins and things to fidget with or looking at cute skirts i know i cant get until i live alone

marsh kiln
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I think laser hair removal should be free, same with whatever I want

marsh kiln
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I hate waking up, I wan sleep

marsh kiln
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i made this

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though it was comedy

marsh kiln
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I don't see a point in living till I'm older, my only emotions either feel fake because of how quickly they can just disappear or are just a negative gut feeling that makes me sick, angry and sad. I feel like everytime I think Im getting better, depression hits me twice as hard randomly in the middle of the night, immediately going to the negatives of myself and reason to end it, it's only gotten worse when I realised I was bisexual and now I'm starting to question if I'm gender fluid or not,I don't understand why my brain wants me to be so miserable

marsh kiln
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i was having such a great day then as soon as im alone in my room its like theres someone whispering everything negative about myself in my ear while making me sick in the stomach

fathom hare
marsh kiln
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It's getting real hard to see the point in living till I'm older, I've always been told "you're young, you think life's hard now? It only gets harder" and everytime I hear that it makes me understand why the suicide rates are so high, I mean what's the point, wake up at 6am, go to work, go home and spend your money on rent and food and random mind numbing things to keep you distracted from how mundane and miserable life is, go to sleep, repeat, that's my future and I don't see how people can look at me with anything other than understanding, I don't even know what I could do to get enjoyment that lasts longer than a minute, nothing feels like it would give me painful cheeks from smiling too much, I just don't see a point other than not disappointing my family, my friends wouldn't know because we barely talk as it is, the only people that would notice me gone is my family, and sometimes it feels like their not worth it either, I'm not motivated to move out and live life on my own so I can explore who I am, I want nothing more than to go to sleep and dream until it all goes back to infinite nothingness like when I'm deep asleep or before I was even born. I'm not someone who has a story to tell, I'm someone looked at by society and hated because of the things that I am, I'm tired and Im sick of trying to pretend my life is worth something

candid mural
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hey, I'm Dee, fluid, and I'm an energy healer at now-is-time.com. I'm looking for someone to give a free 15 min session to. I would just record your voice, no visual and no names. I need to create an example of what I do, but all of my friends/acquantices are doing ok right now. Would you be willing to spend 15 minutes with me? I'm good and the healing happens fast??? nosleep

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ps I'm East Coast time, and I'm going to bed soon so I'll check back tomorrow. Have a good night

marsh kiln
candid mural
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thanks for lettin me know

marsh kiln
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Really tempted to buy a skirt off shein with some other items because I got two packages and my family hasn't opened them while I was away so I know they won't see it and the other items can be the distraction/excuse while I hide the skirt, my only problem is that I have nowhere to hide it

marsh kiln
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feeling really dysphoric about my body hair rn, im home alone rn so i thought it would be a perfect time to test if i still liked skirts, i can say i still love skirts and they are still very comfortable and make me happy but it was ruined by the fact i have so much arm and leg hair that if i ever shaved it off it would be noticed instantly and made wearing the skirt feel wrong

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cursed my dads genes

marsh kiln
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god this is so hard to process

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right now im cringing at channel

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and tmr im prob gonna feel sad about it

marsh kiln
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so fucking nervous for my driving test tmr

strange kiln
marsh kiln
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just discovered another reason i cant buy a skirt online, if it arrives and my dog gets it before we can tell him to give it he will rip it open

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also, update on my driving test, i got my p's :3

marsh kiln
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sometime i really want to start estrogen but then i think of the positives like growing boobs, not balding and softer skin and im reminded i have to go out in public and people will see the boobs, im about to apply to become a sparky and i know trades can have toxic workspaces, i can only imagine for lgbt

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also coming out to my family, they would instantly notice and start questioning me, im tempted to start when i save enough money to move out and get a car, just in case im kicked out

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i dont think they would but they also wouldnt be happy and might make moving out the best option

marsh kiln
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went to the sabaton concert in brissy, shit was LIT

marsh kiln
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I miss my ex, I know we separated months ago but it's hard to get over someone that makes you smile at the thought of texting them.

fathom hare
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There are other people out there like her love 💛 (platonic)

marsh kiln
marsh kiln
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Hung out with my friends today to celebrate a birthday (my ex) and I haven't seen him in months and I think today finally made me realise why my entire life I was fine being alone until I met him. It's because my entire life I've been ugly and never had the expectation of dating someone, I built up a wall to protect myself but just from that short moment I had with him it's torn at that wall and made me realise how alone I really am and how I'm gonna stay that way for the foreseeable future, if not forever. Today was fun but this realisation has made me realise why I've only grown more miserable without him despite life going back to how it was for the last 18 years.

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My mind already feels dead and miserable 24/7 but since the break-up it's slowly gotten worse due to my body image issues and general mental health slowing the processing of my emotions and dragging the sick feeling inside me, I haven't made any positive progress to my mental health and it's slowly getting worse, I know I'll get over him and I can tell I slowly am but my mental health won't, it might be better for a couple months but it's a trick, it'll come back one day and hit me harder than before, I think the relationship just gave the negative thoughts more fuel to hit me harder next time

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The thoughts got close to taking me out on my eighteenth and I believe I'm only here because my mum would rather tackle me on the stairs than let me go, but she won't always be there to stop me. One of these days she won't be there and my mind's gonna attack me harder than ever and I won't be here to talk about it anymore, I wont be here to wish my friends and family happy birthday, I won't be there for my niece, I'll be known as the uncle taken from them too soon and I won't get to see how my future unfolds. I'll be dead because my brain doesn't know how to shut up for a moment and fix itself, the brain is built around the instincts to survive but everyday it seems like those instincts are questioned by the very thing designed to protect me

marsh kiln
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just shaved my legs, i think what i felt after was called euphoria