#rinas journal

703 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

finite saddle
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|| so like tomorrow marks the 2 year “anniversary” for the day i got SA’d and i genuinely feel so sick atm, i dont even know what to do and man i just feel so sick. just thinking about the shit i was manipulated into makes me wanna throw up.

i have the best boyfriend in the whole world now though, he makes everything okay, he understood when i wanted to take things slow, i love him so much -

but i just cant stop thinking about how physically ill this makes me. i wish i didnt remember the date, but i do, and it sucks.

im probably gonna isolate myself from everyone tomorrow, take some me time idk.||

lime badge
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||truly feel how sick and heavy you must feel right now.
This pain was never yours to carry, but you’ve made it this far, and that is so incredibly brave

so glad you have someone warm and kind by your side now, someone who understands you and is willing to take things slow with you.

we don’t feel like talking tomorrow, that’s okay.

May you be wrapped in gentleness today.
You don’t have to be strong when you want to run away.
May you feel the love around you even in the pain.||

finite saddle
finite saddle
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i literally cant stop crying

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its not even an hour into today

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im in full on fucking tears

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i feel so sweaty and dirty

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i hate everything

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theres also a moth in my room

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i hate insects

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its not a

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“oh im scared of spiders” thing

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its an im scared of everything thing

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and i told my dad but he wont do shit about it

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he just said he cant do anything

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and i know it sounds childish

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but i literally just cry and cry when i see an insect

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today is already dedicated to a bad thing

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why do things never go my way

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im now currently locked in the bathroom

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scared to go back in my bedroom

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crying

hollow fox
# finite saddle || so like tomorrow marks the 2 year “anniversary” for the day i got SA’d and i ...

as i've never been through what you have i couldn't begin to imagine how you are doing mentally but you shouldn't let it drag you down. moving on from a traumatic event takes a LOT of time which is why you have to try your best to stay positive throughout however long it takes to move on

it's really important to stand up and show the best possible version of yourself than to let your emotions grow unstable and drag you down further 🎀

erm sorry i didnt see a reason to put a spoiler but i can if you wanted

finite saddle
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i woke up at around 1pm today

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ive been lying in

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im on the verge of tears again

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how can someone ruin my life like that and im left in tears while they can move on with their day

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it just shocks me

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i think my bf is mad at me

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i dont know what to do

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i feel so lonely i have like 1 friend

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but i isolate myself from people and talking feels like a chore

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if i had more friends id feel like a terrible one

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i can never respond

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or i take days

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and i know thats bad

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so im fine with having 1 friend

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well im not but really sure about that but

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id rather somebody not upset because of me

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man i wish i didnt fuck everything up

finite saddle
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okay nevermind i was just overthinking too much

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i probably need to work on that

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today is a new day

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OK

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atleast i can look at my calendar and not wanna die

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i almost ||relapsed||

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i didnt though

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61 days clean

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yippee

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you know when you feel invalidated becsuse you bavent ||cut yourself||

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or is that just me

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probably

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man i hate myself im sorry

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idk

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at least i am clean

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you know when i first started i didnt think i could get addicted but lord was i wrong

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a few years after i told my parents because we were arguing snd they told me i should get a therapist but i didnt want to

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i kinda regret that

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cant bring it up though

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im in a better place than i was before

finite saddle
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the moth is back

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though it was gone

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im scared

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im hiding in the living room

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im such an idiot

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why am i crying about a bug thats harmless

finite saddle
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and we got in an argument

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i dont think im in the wrong

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but god

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i hate when this happens

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why cant we just always be happy

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i wish i fell asleep earlier.

finite saddle
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im running away from my problems again

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im just hiding

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idk what to do

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i hate confrontation

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the urge to relapse is so big right now

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but i wont

finite saddle
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i like to distract myself

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or get lost in the moment

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i just wanted to say

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i love dying light 2

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this game has a lot of backlash

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apparently people think combat is better in the first gamr

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but i think the second one is great

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the fanbase is kinda split

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one thing everyone agrees on is the parkour in dl2 is fucking awesome

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and

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whenever in sad

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i put on some sad music nd shit

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and its nice to kinda just

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swing around buildings

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go around the city

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jts fun

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it helps clear my head

finite saddle
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i hate when ppl r dry to me

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like im trying herr

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e

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please stop

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and especially when they know i hate it

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because then i overthink their message

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and i get no reassurance

finite saddle
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i kinda wanna kill myself

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like im scared of dying but like

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yk

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is that normal

finite saddle
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man my bf keeps being dry

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and i asked why and he told me “if i called you dry, you’d scream at me and shit”

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but i wouldnt

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i dont know why he always says that

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and i dont know if i did something wrong

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after i told him i was out with friends and couldnt talk he started being dry

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i just wish he’d talk to me instead

hollow fox
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it also could just not be your fault whatsoever if he's being dry but obviously im not a mind reader

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also are we actually allowed to reply because you didn't mention anything..

finite saddle
finite saddle
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i try explain my situation

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i dont know why he always says that

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i managed to get him to open up but we stopped talking on an odd note idk

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im tired

hollow fox
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i see i see he just needs to open up a bit more without you needing to squeeze it out of him

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he's gonna move out of that comfort zone at some point

finite saddle
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im so done

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bf removed me from his bio, prns, everything

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i know it isnt a big deal

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but tf?

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i didnt do anything wrong?

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im so tired

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i actually hate myself

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i wish i was dead

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i have no fucking friends

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im a literal loser

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i just wanna rot in bed and die

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im always gonna be alone

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nobody’s ever gonna understand me

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its always the same shit

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people “care about you”

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but nobody fucking realises when i disappear

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and when im back they think i was already there from the beginning

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they say shit like “oh you left?”

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just shut the fuck up.

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im done with everyone.

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fuck the world

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what did i do to deserve this?

finite saddle
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|| im so close to relapsing ||

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he told me he’d break up with me if i did but who the fuck cares

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he already looks like hes going to anyways

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man im trying to be nice

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but im losing it

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i hate everyone

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i hate myself

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what the fuck is wrong with me?

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what did i do?

finite saddle
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im definitely getting broken up with

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and i wanna cry

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because he’s the only reason im living

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but i didnt do anything wrong

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why do i fuck everything up.

finite saddle
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its about to happen

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i dont know what to do

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im crying

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i write stories based on our arguments

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i had one from a few months ago

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this is the same story

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i dont want to continue it

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i have to

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im writing

finite saddle
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it didnt happen but i still think it will

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god this is so

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i hate this

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next week im gonna isolate myself and ignore everyone

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also how tf do you start eating vegetables

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i only eat potatoes

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TW: ED

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||i lowk wanna just get to like 35 kilos||

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|| im 46 and god i hate it||

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||im so insecure its killing me||

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god whats wrong with me

hollow fox
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bless your heart sadness

finite saddle
finite saddle
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please stop being dry to me

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makes me wanna die

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“hi”

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shut the fuck up

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my bad

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god

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whats wrong with me

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i feel so shitty

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i miss when it was “I MISS YOUUUUU”

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i wanna ||kill myself||

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i wanna ||starve to death||

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i can only think of ||relapsing||

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its right there in my mind

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i have this feeling of absence

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i dont know

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i write stories nd shit

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about our arguments

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i havent finished one

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i wrote a poem

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if anyone wants to see

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i mean ill just send it here

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its not good

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im young

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but yeah

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anyways

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————————————————
“Does every story have to come to an end”

Every notification i get brings more disappointment,
Hour after hour my phone buzzes but there’s nothing from you.
I spend my time wondering what I've done wrong,
But instead of reaching out I stay silent and wait for a singular message.

But still, I cling onto my last bit of hope.
Its all i have,
But once it's crushed I'm done for.
I’ll keep writing stories about those arguments,
But I've never finished one.

I dread the day those stories have an ending,
My last bit of hope is pushing me through.
You give me chance after chance and everytime i wonder when you get sick of it
And I know you already are, so I don't want to screw this one up.

All stories have a beginning, middle, and ending
But ours is one I never want to end.

The day I finish my books my hope will be gone.
These stories will never be shown, but they’ll always lie in the back of my mind.
A story i dont want to read though i wrote it, something to be never looked at again.

I’m still writing.

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its terrible but

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i cant find any other way to say my feelings

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its basically

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all my stories are just the beginning of our arguments

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which will sometimes be brought up again

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if we break up

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ill finish those stories

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if we never do

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ill keep writing those stories

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they’ll never have an ending

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i wrote another thing

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nobody knows the real me

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its just about that

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——————————————-
“The Real You”

I’ve been every single type of person there is
I relate to people on every level.
I’ve been bullied, been the bully, depressed, popular, alone, introverted, extroverted.
I see through peoples lies, it's like looking through glass.

Always the comforter, never been comforted.
Maybe I like it like that.
The urge to let others know about your problems, but the thought of people having it worse makes me realise maybe I'm too selfish.

I listen to all your problems, my heart is in shambles
Who am I to cry myself to sleep not even knowing what's wrong myself, when you have all the reasons?

But part of you may see through me too.

Pulling myself together, I put a smile on my face
You look at me straight and ask how my day was.
And I wish I knew the answer to that, but I have no clue. So I repeat the same answer which you already knew.

You tell me I'm not fine, that you’re here to talk.
But how selfish would that be of me to mention I'm sad when you have it worse?
You go through so much, I go through bare minimum.
I'm feeling hollow and empty, what's the meaning in life?
But other than that, I have no reason to cry.

The more you push, the more I lie.
I know you already have too much going through your mind.

You’re speaking again, I can't process anything you just said.
But some words get through, "I want to know the real you.”

I couldn't tell you anything about myself, I barely understand who I am.
A person who cries through day and night, I won't tell you what’s wrong, but I'll get drowned in my thoughts.

You don’t want to know the real me.

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im so cringe aaaa

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i wanna ||die||

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fuck

tall bramble
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The poem is actually beautiful

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Genuinely so so so deep I LOVE IT SM

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I really hope it gets better

finite saddle
finite saddle
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i overreact too much

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im listening to music

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but the thing is

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its the same music i listened to

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at my lowest point in life

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its starting to hit again

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im listening to the same playlist

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fuck

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im so screwed

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i love hyperpop

finite saddle
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i love music.

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id actually die without it.

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i think im just gonna only listen to music

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i love music

finite saddle
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dude i hate when he does this

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i was talking with his friends

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and his friend said he wants to pull fine shyt in itsly

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then my bf replies and aays

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“italians 🤤”

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we’re both insecure

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he should know how it doesnt feel good

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hearing that

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from your partner

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i couldnt even compliment a man infront of him because to ne that feeks like cheating

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and i know im overreacting

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but he knows i struggke with self confidence

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and i am not about to compare myself to a whole race

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even if its a joke i just dont wanna hear it

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i know he can find other girls attractive

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but does he really need to say it infront of me?

finite saddle
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i cried a bit

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i wrote another poem thing

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fyi im very young (okd enough to use this app ofc)

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so please ignore my grammar

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i just need to get this off my chest

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i cant stop crying

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i hate myself

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i dont know why i couldnt be pretty

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————————————————
“Comparison”

I look in the mirror, then I look at my phone camera.
I see 2 reflections, yet when comparing the both I see somebody different.
The mirror brings me confidence, the camera shatters that confidence within seconds.

Is the mirror just showing me what I want to see, while the camera is slapping me with reality?
Am I really so ugly?

I scroll through social media, I spend hours staring at models.
How can somebody look so flawless in a photo?
Social media is fake, you tell me. Everything is edited nowadays, but even I couldn't look that good, no matter how much I edited the photo.

I compare myself to all these posts, “I want her waist, her body, her face”. “I’m never going to be good enough.”
I say the same words every time.

You spot me crying, you tell me that everything is going to be okay.
You tell me you love me, how I'm so gorgeous.
You tell me you’ve never laid eyes on someone as pretty as me.
You make me feel like a human.
You made me feel like I could be worth something.

I smiled. I felt like I was somebody.

But you shattered that feeling the mirror once gave me, just like my camera.

You talk about how hot other women are,
You talk about different girls and how they’re pretty,
And there I am, back to comparing.

My head is filled with “You only told me those sweet words because you had pity”.
And now I'm back to the beginning.

The comparison will never end.

finite saddle
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im gonna die soon

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i feel like i will

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im a lost cause

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at least i have this week to ignore everyone

finite saddle
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late replies man

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i miss having someone to talk to

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i want a pink coffin

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and i want hyperpop blasted at my funeral

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im not scared of dying

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im scared of what happens after death

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thats the only thing stopping me

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the thought of nothing terrifies me

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i dont have someone to give me a reason to stay

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but the thought of nothing is there

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my whole body is aching

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sigh

finite saddle
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im so done for

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i hate myself

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gejdjgesgzHshdhHhsbshssj

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im staring at the wall

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i love relating to songs

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i hate sad songs

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i drown myself in music

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its a terrible coping mechanism

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the other week i got 4k minutes

finite saddle
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bf will be barely able to talk from august-june

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august this year to june NEXT year btw.

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yeah we definitely arent lasting

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i was meant to see him this july

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but things got complicated

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man im gonna kill myself

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i love him so much

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i dont wanna lose him

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but im 99.99999% sure i will.

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im fucked.

finite saddle
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i know i say this everytime

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that hes gonna break up witb me

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but this time its happening

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this past week we’ve been so dry

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barely talking

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and when we do its just

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yeah.

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he’s gonna say

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“tsar im sorry i cant do long distance”

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“i cant take it anymore”

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im fucking done with everyone

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I FUCKING HATE MYSELF

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WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT DEAD ALREADY

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im fucking useless

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hes fucking ignoring everything

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“is this about us” - “yeah”

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im gonna kill myself

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im gonna slit my wrists so vad

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bad

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i fucking hate myself

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i was right

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its happening

finite saddle
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omg

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im getting a fucking 3 week notice

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wow thanks for the heads up buddy

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thats so nice

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3 weeks til you break up with me!!

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just do it already 😭😭

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—————————————-
Eyes fixated on the ceiling
No time for healing,
Contemplation is a must,
But it's about how I lost your trust.

Blade on the side,
The ceiling is my sky.
Yet blood on my wrists,
Is all I can wish.

Replaying the moment, right in your head,
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.
Good for nothing, who am I to live for?
My potential is wasted, and I have nothing more.

So I'll put myself at peace,
I can finally be free.
Sleeping eternally,
How much more do i need?

finite saddle
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im outside

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im alone

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walking through the city

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its almost midnight

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its peaceful but also scary

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but im getting lost in my thoughts

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my music is on blast

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theres nobody to complain

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streetlights are on

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kinda wanna die here

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but i wont

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not yet

tender marten
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If you ever wanna talk, I'm hfy <3.

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Also, love your poem

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Poems*

finite saddle
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thank you so much!! 🩷🩷

tender marten
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I hope one day your poems will be happy and so will you

finite saddle
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thank you for caring <3

tender marten
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Always and anytime :3

finite saddle
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i wish he missed me

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🙁

finite saddle
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my heart is beating so fast

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i have no idea why

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ive just been lying down

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its pissing me off

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its hard to breathe correctly

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its getting faster

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fuck im scared

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maybe i just had too much coffee

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oh my lord its so fucking fast

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i can feel it thudding in my chest

tender marten
# finite saddle i can feel it thudding in my chest

Rina, what you're experiencing could be a possible anxiety/panic attack. But there is also a chance for it to be physical depending on your health history, what you can do is try to breathe slowly. Take small sips of water and don't overthink ❤️

finite saddle
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fuck

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ill get water

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thank you 🩷

tender marten
finite saddle
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i need to self harm so bad

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bf is having a 1 week break with me

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then i have 2 weeks after til he finishes things

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i dont get it

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he acts like he cares

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“please dont cut yourself”

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“if you do it ill do it”

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and

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he doesnt understand

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that doesnt help

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i need a coping mechanism

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i dont want to do it to be a bad person

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because if i do it ill need to talk to somebody

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and if i tell him

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then he’ll do it

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im gonna be honest

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i cut myself 4 times yesterday on my hip

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he doesnt know but its so overwhelming having nobody to talk to

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he doesnt care

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why would he even say that?

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but anyways

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to take things off my mind tomorrow im gonna make a blog website

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i think i’ll just post my poems on it

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if anyone would wanna read it

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probably not but

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still

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yk

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nice to put things out there

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ill do it tomorrow morning

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its now easier to breathe but my heart is still beating so fast

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man im 13 i shouldnt even be thinking like this

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and i know it looks like im attention seeking

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especially at this age but

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im just struggling

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my parents know i SH

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they think im clean

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got banned from using sharp things for months

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mum hated herself

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made me feel terrible

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i almost did online school

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i ended up staying though

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thats all.

hollow fox
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he clearly doesn't understand how much stress resisting sh is putting you under

finite saddle
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i know part of him means well but i wish he understood

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but he never will

hollow fox
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i'm just saying the obvious sorry but i hope things do get better from here

hollow fox
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is it because you've already lost faith in your relationship??

finite saddle
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but he wouldnt understand why its hard for me not to sh

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he was so disappointed in me when he found out

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but he told me it was gonna be okay

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he told me i had to get better, talk to people, actually get help

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and im glad he did but

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he wont really understand how hard it is to resist

hollow fox
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it sounds like he's not very observant but you love him and should appreciate him for just TRYING to be helpful

finite saddle
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i love him so much

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i told him last night i was proud of him and everything

hollow fox
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it's not a case of "he doesn't care" or "he's not helping at all" it's more so "he doesn't quite understand" and that can be way better than the other two

hollow fox
finite saddle
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a week break

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he said hes 99% sure hes gonna break up with me in 3 weeks

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and

hollow fox
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i don't understand why he'd say that in the first place..

finite saddle
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i dont get it

finite saddle
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told me i had 3 weeks to find a solution

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or we’re done

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and i get it

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i know long distance is hard but

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its just messing with my head

hollow fox
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i know long distance is hard but it shouldn't define your relationship

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i don't know if i've said it here before or not but one of the most important parts of being in a relationship is loving someone despite flaws existing

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whether its something about them or long distance itself

finite saddle
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distance doesnt matter if its the right person..

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i mean 7 months

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7 months ive loved him so much

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talking everyday

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calling

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he told me “if we were breaking up it’d be you not me”

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telling me hes gonna be here for me forever

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was it all a waste?

hollow fox
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people don't know if they're capable of handling long distance until a few months pass with them in a long distance relationship

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i'd know because i was in a similar spot where i started to lose interest

finite saddle
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i dont know what to do without him im so lost

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i wish i could change things

tender marten
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Rina, I understand this all hurts but trust me he's not worth it. You have to do this for yourself, not for your parents not for your bf. Do it for your happiness because even though right now it seems terribly hard by time you'll be feeling slightly better until you're happier. It is also important to talk it out with him because even tho it hurts it's better because if he wants to break up he'll do it sooner or later but he could also not want that. I can't know because I don't know him but the important part is you. I will do my best to help you about anything you need. Name it and if I can I'll do it. Everyone deserves happiness Rina. ❤️🫶

hollow fox
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i know it sounds a bit harsh but breaking up sooner than later wouldn't be a bad thing and you'll hopefully move on sooner. but don't take it to heart that i think you should break up now

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as long as you can find other things to make you happy as well

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but i just feel awful knowing this guy is saying how he's going to break up with the same person who he's been trying to help avoid sh

finite saddle
tender marten
finite saddle
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does he care about me or not i dont know its making my head spin

hollow fox
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maybe he just wants to avoid the responsibility after dealing with it for so long

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that's far from a good thing so you know

finite saddle
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he found out 2 months ago

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he was upset with me and told me i need to promise him i wont do anything

tender marten
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Did he also start being distant two months ago?

finite saddle
hollow fox
tender marten
finite saddle
# hollow fox yes but when you're trying to escape that sort of thing the time can go by slowe...

we never talked about it again after that, i dont really vent to him.. i barely really talk to him when im sad because i know he also has his own problems. it was only yesterday it got mentioned again, he said “and i know you’ll hurt yourself, please dont”. that was after he was talking about how he wanted to break up and stuff.. then he said he couldnt break up with me and everything got so confusing

finite saddle
hollow fox
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bless

tender marten
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And I believe that he might think he can't deal with this which isn't pretty good, you deserve someone who is willing to work things out

finite saddle
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i just cant imagine life without him i was crying the whole of last night 😞

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at least i have a week to just think things over

tender marten
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I think it's best if you try what it's like to like, not think too much about it and try living without him. Maybe it could help. Because even though he could leave life has to move on

hollow fox
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i hope if you do break up that you accept that it was entirely out of your control

hollow fox
finite saddle
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ill try my best

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thank you guys so much

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nobody else has ever tried to help me

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its nice having people who care about you even though i dont know you guys fully

hollow fox
finite saddle
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im gonna sleep now, ill talk in the morning, thank you both 🩷🩷

tender marten
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Don't even mention it, you deserve the best. Try not to think too much abt it. Rest well and sweet dreams 🫶❤️

finite saddle
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OKAY SO

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im upset but whatever

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MY DAD SAID

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I CAN GET

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SPA FORMULA 1 GRAND PRIX TICKETS!!

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im so happy

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i love formula 1

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its always been my dream to go to an f1 race

#

and spa is my favourite circuit

#

im rlly happy ☺️

tender marten
finite saddle
#

i cant stop throwing up i swear

#

i feel so sick

#

my stomach really hurts

#

like after i threw up

#

5 times

#

it started hurting

hollow fox
#

did you eat sum bad??

tender marten
#

I hope you get better ❤️

finite saddle
#

so maybe its that 😭😭

hollow fox
#

might be SOB

finite saddle
#

BUT ANYWAYS rant 1 of the day Joy

#

I LOVE MUSIC!!!!!!!!!

#

music is so good

#

its the best thign ever

#

especially hyperpop and alternative

#

i have like 51 playlists i think

#

around 18 are hyperpop or alternative

tender marten
#

Who's your fav artist

finite saddle
#

omg…

#

probably glaive, poptropicaslutz!, or overtonight!!

#

THEY ARENT REALLY KNOWN

#

glaive is

#

im not sure about poptropicaslutz

#

BUT OVERTONIGHT NO

hollow fox
finite saddle
hollow fox
#

OTUKA IS THE BEST!!!!

finite saddle
#

LITERALLY

#

music is the solution..

hollow fox
#

yes heh

tender marten
#

I'm gonna definitely try it

hollow fox
#

trust otuka becoming mainstream is gonna solve all the problems of the world

finite saddle
#

bacj with the journal

#

id prefer no replies for this certain topic pls

#

reacts yes but i just wanna isolate myself

#

anyways

#

so bf sometimes uses dc

#

we have a server

#

with our friends

#

our friends are heavy smokers btw

#

and im fine with that

#

they can do whatever

#

so im on call with friends

#

hes not on

#

then he tags one of our friends

#

and is like

#

“___ yooo u got any tips?? im gonna have weed for the first time tomorrow”

#

and like fine but then after hes kke

#

“i got pure weed i just wanna get high instantly„

#

“im at such a low i just wanna smoke weed”

#

“injections next!”

#

dude the person he was before

#

“imagine smoking at this afe” blah blah blah

#

and i dont know whag to dk

#

he gets the weed tomorrow

#

my friends are only gonna influence him

#

im just worried man

#

he wont listen to me

#

i stayed up 14 hours before

#

hust trying to get him not to do anything silly

#

he didnt but i asked if he could promise he wont do anything

#

and all he said was

#

“im sorry i cant do that”

#

god i hate myself 😞

finite saddle
tender marten
#

I'll always be here for wtv you need

#

Js so yk

finite saddle
#

i told him if he does drugs again we’re over

#

last time he told me if i cut myself again we’re over

#

god forbid a girl cares about her bf apparently 👍

hollow fox
#

I hope if u guys break up he doesn't see another girl for years

#

this guy is not ready for a relationship and thats so clear

#

saying like "oh i could have broken up with you but i didnt" is just pure toxic

finite saddle
#

yes i have fucked up before but once or twice and it wasnt too bad and i immediately owned up to it

hollow fox
#

it's kind of like gaslighting to make you think you're lucky to still have him

finite saddle
#

sorry for not talking for a while

#

ive been just

#

taking a breather

#

things are hard

#

i want to get into drawing again

#

tomorrow im going to go buy art supplies

#

i wanna draw more cars

#

i love cars

#

i also want to suffocate myself with sad music for the week

finite saddle
#

sometimes i wanna be told its gonna be okay

#

and that im loved

#

or like

#

“its okay i love you so much you’re so perfect„

#

and i do get that but

#

sometimes

#

i just need it more

#

than ever

#

i dont know why

#

its random

tender marten
#

Hihi, I'm just checking up on you today. Have you eaten, drank water etc. I hope everything goes well for you not just for today but every other day. You can do this Rina huddleheartshape hugs

finite saddle
tender marten
#

I'm proud of you 🫶

finite saddle
#

i kinda wanna kill myself again

#

idk

#

anyways

#

i like music

#

im so tired

#

i wanna rot in bed

#

i once didnt go out for 2 months

#

parents screamed at me lol but anyways yeah

tender marten
#

I'm here for you if you ever need me

finite saddle
#

i used to like being lied to

#

might be because i could never accept the truth but

#

i dont know

#

if i asked someone if i was pretty

#

and they said yes

#

id smile

#

i know they arent saying the truth

#

but

#

at least they lied to put a smile on my face

#

but for the first time

#

i felt a sharp pain in my chest

#

after realising i was lied to

#

and it wasnt even a big lie

#

but i didnt like the feeling

#

every time i read the message

#

tears form

#

i dont know why

#

i always tell people just to lie to me

#

but i dont know

tender marten
#

I understand that it seems like they're lying but sometimes they're not

#

Maybe even never

#

But Id just like to say that no matter how much someone calls you pretty you'll never believe it unless you think so too

#

And even if you don't believe you're pretty on the outside beauty stands in the inside

#

So you should never have to worry ab that

hollow fox
#

stuff like lying about being pretty isn't a thing i like to believe

#

if someone compliments you they probably MEAN it

#

even if you don't like your own appearence others will

finite saddle
#

im sorry guys for not replying. it means a lot to me, just these past few days have been draining. thank you everyone again 🩷

#

i wrote another thing

#

im a month clean soon

#

pure torture

#

———————————————-
1 reason to stay,
0 friends.
But thousands of reasons for me to be dead.

I’ll cut my thigh for the thirteenth time,
‘Til I cut too deep and start to cry.
The blood on my wrists, the blood on my hips,
The blood is streaming down, I don't know where it is.

That was a month ago, my blade is now gone.
But the urges are coming back and I might do something wrong.

The satisfaction from my blade brings me such joy,
But the disappointment from you I can't bear, I can’t avoid.
Is a day of satisfaction worth losing your trust?
I’ll just stop talking and listen to my gut.

I stare at my scars, but they’ll never fully heal.
Wounds will just re-open and I'll only stay ill.

finite saddle
#

my scars hurt so bad

#

i cant stop crying

finite saddle
#

One More Time

I'll be chasing that high for the rest of my life,
Those cuts on my thigh filled the void in my mind.
But I told you I wouldn't, I do hate to lie,
So I'll put the blade down one last time.

One More Time

Im missing a piece in my life,
The high im still chasing is cluttering my mind,
So i’ll pick the blade up only one more
time,
Just to freshen my senses, to have a meaning in life.

One More Time

A few weeks have passed by,
I'm feeling so shallow, I could almost die.
To get rid of that feeling, to find a way back in life,
I’ll pick up my blade for the final time.

The Final Time

Those words keep repeating, “One Last Time„,
Yet every time I say it, I find myself going back to these lies.
So i’ll finally end it, The cycle will die,
I’ll put myself at rest, and the blade will be used for the final time.

tender marten
#

Your poems are really beautiful and they really capture the feeling of always repeating the cycle. By one final time I hope you mean you'll keep your promise and stay clean.

finite saddle
finite saddle
#

i cant breathe

tender marten
finite saddle
#

i cant breathe

#

i wanna cry

#

i wanna cut myself so bad

tender marten
#

Rina try to calm down

#

Don't think about it

#

Focus on something else

#

Anything

#

What did you do tdy

finite saddle
#

i did nothing else

#

everything reminds me of him and im scared

tender marten
#

Rina do you have any pets

finite saddle
tender marten
#

Is it a he or a she

finite saddle
#

its a he

tender marten
#

What's his name

finite saddle
#

his name is george

tender marten
#

That's a pretty name

#

What breed is he

finite saddle
#

he’s a cross a labrador retriever

tender marten
#

That's a very good breed

#

How old is he

finite saddle
#

i think he’s 8

#

he’s getting old

#

his birthday is the same month as mine

tender marten
#

That's a very nice occasion

#

Now. Rina, I want you to only think about George

#

Like your memories w him

finite saddle
#

ill try

finite saddle
#

i fucking hate switch ups

#

like why literally a minute after you turn dry

#

fuck did i do

finite saddle
#

if you know the i is important to me why purposely miss it

#

fuck you 🩷

finite saddle
#

why wont my fucking blade cut me

#

im so done

tender marten
#

It'll all be okay rina

#

Stay strong 💕

finite saddle
#

i cant find my fucking blade

#

im gonna crash out

tender marten
#

You're better off without it ❤️

finite saddle
tender marten
finite saddle
#

im done