#Boden’s Main Journal

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

cobalt drum
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This is my journal for heavy topics. My main journal will be used still and more often. As always replies are encouraged! Thank you all!

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Boden’s venting journal.

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This day has been an emotional roller coaster

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I came home from work depressed as hell thinking of Mirko (local dogboy)

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Then get news that there is no more replies in journals

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And think

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Wow

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Nothing to literally live for anymore

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Then ramen the absolute stud muffin goat

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Came in and broke the rules to help me

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Mind of view

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The only person

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Who came and helped me

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In crisis

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Out of like

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8 who said they would

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And he was the only one

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So hell yeah put some respect on his name

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I almost killed myself

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I still really want to

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But ramen gave me strength

tidal granite
cobalt drum
tidal granite
cobalt drum
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But uhhhhhhhhhhh

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Uhhhm

tidal granite
cobalt drum
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Anyways uhhhhh

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Uhm

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Oh then V came in and all that happened

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Then I found out abt the trio of aria ramen and Kya

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So that literally blew my mind

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Anyways

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That was my rant

tidal granite
cobalt drum
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@tidal granite I found it

tidal granite
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🔥

cobalt drum
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IM SO FUCKED BRO

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MY BOSS TEXTED ME OUT OF THE BLUE AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS A SCAMMER

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SO I TEXTED “no, die pls”

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AND THEN SHE SAID IT WAS HER

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IM ACTUALLY GONNA CRY

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AND THROW UP

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OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

tidal granite
cobalt drum
tidal granite
cobalt drum
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Rly fucking scared now

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I don’t wanna get fired

tidal granite
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Good luck man

hollow shoal
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bro u r so cocked
sending prayers to my bro who told their boss ‘no, die pls’ bc they thought it was a scam 💀

cobalt drum
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Jesus Christ

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If you ain’t gonna say sum productive or contributing then pls stfu

hollow shoal
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my bad

cobalt drum
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Big sad

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:(((

cobalt drum
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I feel extremely shitty now

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I’m so insecure abt my age

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And hate talking about it

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I just wanna die now

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I feel so shitty

quasi granite
cobalt drum
quasi granite
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it’s nothing to be ashamed off

cobalt drum
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I hate it

quasi granite
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i was your age once

cobalt drum
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Bc ppl find out and then treat me different

tidal granite
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🫂

cobalt drum
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And I don’t want to be treated different

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I want to be treated mature because I’m mentally mature (in most cases)

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I’m more mature than most adults

quasi granite
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i don’t treat you differently either

cobalt drum
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And I think I deserve that amount of respect

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
tidal granite
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I can tell you're mature

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I don't think ppl will treat you differently

cobalt drum
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But I don’t know for sure

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That’s why I only tell my closest friends

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Istg if word of my age gets around the server I’m taking a break

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I don’t want ppl knowing my real age

quasi granite
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but no one here will treat you any differently

cobalt drum
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Nah but like everyone finds out

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I only think a few ppl saw it

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And Kya deleted the message

wintry widget
cobalt drum
cobalt drum
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I don’t want to take my med anymore

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They don’t help thag much

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But I can’t just stop taking them

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Because it’s lexapro

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I don’t wanna be on it anymore

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I think I’ll tell my doctor

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Tomorrow

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I think is when I go in

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I wanna flush them down the toilet

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But lexapro has withdrawals

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So

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It’s difficult

stoic gyro
tidal granite
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It may be difficult, but if it is what you truly think is right for you then go for it. You could also ask your doctor to stop prescribing them to help you. But I think yoy should talk about it with your doctor

cobalt drum
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I feel like they aren’t helping

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And I don’t really like the idea of being pumped full of drugs to be happy

stoic gyro
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yeah they can help you stop taking them the right way and see if it's good to change it for something else or not

cobalt drum
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I feel that there are more natural ways to deal with depression

stoic gyro
cobalt drum
stoic gyro
cobalt drum
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And stay there

cobalt drum
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I was on Prozac

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But that made stuff worse

cobalt drum
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I just don’t rly wanna be on them anymore

stoic gyro
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well it's very good to know you have a professional to speak to about this!

cobalt drum
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Yeah

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Anyway

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That’s all I had on my mind rn

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I pray to got but he don’t answer back

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He abandoned me

tidal granite
cobalt drum
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Maybe in another life it plays out differently

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But this ain’t it

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I’m so sorry

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But I can’t handle it all anymore

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I’m so sorry

tidal granite
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I'm not sure how I can help you

cobalt drum
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I don’t really know how to say this, but I feel like my mental health has become too heavy for me to carry. I’ve tried so hard to fight through it, to stay strong, and to keep going for myself and for the people who care about me. But right now, it feels like the weight is just too much.

I’m so deeply sorry for whatever may happen because of this. Please know that none of this comes from a place of wanting to hurt anyone. I’m just overwhelmed, and I don’t know what else to do anymore.

I hope you can forgive me. I love and appreciate everyone who has ever been there for me

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This one is better

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I hate my life

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I hate my meds

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I hate my age

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I hate everything about me

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That’s what this is about.

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I’m so sorry

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But

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Goodbye

hollow shoal
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boden, it's saliyel here
I hope u can see this message, its from nobody just hoping you’re still here with us

I feel that the pain you’ve been carrying has been there for a very, very long time.
And I can understand how it can feel like ending the pain is the only way to find release.

You’ve faced everything you’re going through with so much strength.
It warms me to see that even when you’re thinking about ending your pain, you still don’t want to hurt anyone else. Even when you want to end your suffering, you still don’t want to trouble anyone.

I sincerely hope that one day, the darkness in your heart will begin to fade

cobalt drum
wintry widget
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@cobalt drum

cobalt drum
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Ngl I feel washed

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Idk how else to say it

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It seems that I’m not as silly as I once was here

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And when I try it’s just

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Like I’m trying to hard

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But yeah

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Pretty sure I’m washed

cobalt drum
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Yeah I’m washed

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I’m out of my prime bro

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I don’t think ppl here like me…

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Or most of them don’t

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Maybe 5 ppl here actually like me

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And I’m still skeptical

cobalt drum
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Why can’t ppl just be decent

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Like fr

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Twisting my fuckin words

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Motherfucker go fuck off

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Like what?

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I never said I support beating women

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And sleeping with little kids

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I just said that I stills treat them will treat everyone like a human regardless

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And it’s not cool to treat ppl differently

cobalt drum
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Fucking cunts

quasi granite
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do you wanna talk about it?

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
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Genuinely feel under appreciated and ignored/left out

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And it’s pissing me off

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Like if y’all don’t like me

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Let me know

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Nah imma delete that bc it might seem like that’s for everyone

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Well no

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Fuckin dickheads

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The ones who don’t like me but pretend to?

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Or just like

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Ignore me without telling me why?

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Fuck off

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Like fr go get a job

quasi granite
cobalt drum
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Like holy fuck I’m pissed off

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And also just feel like shit even thinking abt it

cobalt drum
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This place is better without me

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The world would be more peaceful

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Everyone would forget about me in a few weeks

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Maybe 2 months max

cobalt drum
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There's people who love and care about you they wouldn't forget!! People's worlds would be different

wintry widget
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It's not

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You have lots of friends here

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
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Hey everyone,

I wanted to take a moment to share where I’m at right now. Because of some recent events, and because things feel a bit rocky surrounding me at the moment, I’ve decided it’s best for me to take a step back from Huddle for a few days. I think some space will give me a chance to breathe, reflect, and hopefully come back with a clearer head and lighter heart.

I want to be very clear that I hold no grudges toward anyone. I’m not leaving because I’m angry or bitter. I truly wish nothing but good for every last member here. This server has been a meaningful part of my life, and I’m grateful for the connections I’ve made and the support I’ve felt.

My DMs will remain open during this time. If anyone ever wants to talk, needs support, or just wants to reach out for any reason, I’ll always be here.

I hope everyone continues to take care of one another, and I look forward to reconnecting when the time feels right. Wishing peace and positivity to you all. ❤️

Much love,
Boden ✌🏼

“ANYTHING YOU LOSE BEING REAL WAS FAKE”

cobalt drum
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I’ll be active in my journals

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So ye

wintry widget
cobalt drum
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I just want to be liked

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By someone

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For people to be like aw

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Boden isn’t here

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But like

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I legit don’t matter

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Like everywhere I go

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I’m ignored

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And disregarded

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And in some cases hated

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I feel like I’m just a punching bag

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Like

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Oh it’s Boden

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Let’s make fun of him

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And belittle him

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And make jokes abt him

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And call him mean names

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And say disrespectful stuff

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Hahahaha

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Very fuckin funny

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Dickheads

wintry widget
merry star
cobalt drum
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Idk if I can mentally take it anymore

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My friends here are leaving

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And I’m just left to pick up the damn peices

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Trying to fix this broken ass server

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I joined to try to help myself

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It’s mentally exhausting

merry star
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You don't have to stay if you don't wanna

cobalt drum
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I do though

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I can’t bring myself to leave

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I want to stay for my friends

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I have so many here

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But watching my best friend move away from the server

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It’s just

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It’s hard to watch

merry star
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You should do what it's best for your health

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Not for others

cobalt drum
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But if I leave this place I may never talk to any of my friends again

merry star
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Of course you can

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Why wouldn't you?

cobalt drum
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Idk if I can mentally take this much longer

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It’s so damn hard

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I don’t know who to talk to

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Or what to talk abt

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Why can’t people fucking listen

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I told them to fucking forget it

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But noooo

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You gotta fucking yap abt it

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Like actually fuck off dickhead

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I fucking can’t man…

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I can’t

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Deal with this stuff anymore

cobalt drum
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Why don’t people fucking censor shit that’s triggering

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Like mention of ||suicide||

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Now I’m thinking of it

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Fuck man

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All that did was make me feel worse

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Especially since it’s one of my friends

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:<

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Idk how much longer I can take this

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Don’t be surprised if one day I just disappear

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Idk if that’ll be sooner or later

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But

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It’s coming

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And I feel it

tidal granite
cobalt drum
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Lowk thinking that killin myself will be the best option

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Like bro

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I server zero fuckin purpose

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I’m a waste of semen bro

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Shoulda just got shot into a damn sock

merry star
cobalt drum
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J wanna make music but

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I just don’t think it will work

merry star
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No one serves a purpose at your age, chill

cobalt drum
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But then why do I feel so shit that I don’t serve one

merry star
cobalt drum
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I don’t wanna feel like this

merry star
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That's what you tell yourself

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But unconsciously whatever bs will make you feel bad about yourself

cobalt drum
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What??

merry star
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What do you not understand

cobalt drum
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The whole fuckin thing

merry star
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You find any excuse to make yourself feel bad

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Even if it's something small

cobalt drum
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Oh so your telling me that I’m just trying to make myself feel bad

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Nah cus if that’s the case

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Respectfully fuck ofc

merry star
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Why do you think it isn't true

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It's just one of the symptoms of depression

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You don't notice it

tidal granite
# cobalt drum Respectfully fuck ofc

Not that's not the case at all, he's saying that your mind itself is maming you feel bad. Without you being aware of it, you're making yourself feel bad, without wanting to feel bad.

cobalt drum
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God I feel so shitty right now

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And idk why

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Ig I’m just thinking abt how many people I’ve lost

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I actually think I’m going insane

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Like deadass

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I think I’m actually going insane

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I’m so tired recently

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And just feel angry and I feel that my brain is just buzzing

cobalt drum
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I feel so abandoned

cobalt drum
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Whenever I get close to someone they leave me

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I’m fucking cursed

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Istfg

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Like good on them but like fr?

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Why ts gotta happen to me

cobalt drum
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Lowk might take another break from huddle

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I’m starting to not like some of the people here

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That have been here for a while

dark topaz
cobalt drum
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And seeing who they truly are

dark topaz
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im sorry

cobalt drum
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Yep

dark topaz
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how do they disrepect u

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sorry if im asking too much

cobalt drum
dark topaz
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like what

cobalt drum
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In cases when I’m respectful I don’t get the same reaction

cobalt drum
dark topaz
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im sorry

cobalt drum
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Yep

dark topaz
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wait what music do u like

cobalt drum
dark topaz
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nice

cobalt drum
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Idk if I want responses right now

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React and I’ll let you know if you can respond

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Idfk

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I genuinely hate this place

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I get my feelings deminished and my experiences downplayed

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Dawg do you understand how hard it is for ma to live

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In this shithole

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Man

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“Your just a kid with no life experience”

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Have you seen people die?

gloomy root
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Those 2 guys are actually assholes

cobalt drum
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Do you wonder at night scared that a stray bullet will come through a wall

cobalt drum
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I’m so done

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Like with it all

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Like dude

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And it wasn’t Kya at all

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We were talking and I mentioned how my job is stressful and then she started comparing her job to mine

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And that just made me feel even worse

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Because I feel like my feelings and my stress is getting downplayed

gloomy root
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I reccomand blocking

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Tbh

cobalt drum
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And to get called an immature kid

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That hurts too

gloomy root
quasi granite
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your feelings are 100% valid don’t listen to anyone else hugs

cobalt drum
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I’m thinking of leaving the server again

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Idk if I want to be here with people like that

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I might try to talk to Kya

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KYA

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KYA

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kya

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Not the other thing

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But ppl here are genuinely fucking terrible human beings

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Racists and homophobes

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And then just assholes

gloomy root
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Im confronting kya

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Fuck that

cobalt drum
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Man…

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Why do I have to fucking talk abt shit

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It always ends up making things worse

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I hate myself

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I hate my life

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I hate my job

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I hate everything

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I hate

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Hate

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Hate

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Hate

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Hate

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Hate

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Hate

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Hate

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Hate

quasi granite
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im here for you boden hugs

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if you need to talk im here

cobalt drum
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Kya blocked me

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I wanted to talk to her

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Im not

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Mad

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I wanted to apologize

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I’m so fucking sorry

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Whenever I vent it always makes shit worse

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I hate everything

quasi granite
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apologize for what?

cobalt drum
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Idk

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For this spiraling

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I don’t know

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I don’t know anything

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I can’t think

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I was so close to crying but can’t

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Like legit can’t cry

quasi granite
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you’re allowed to feel stressed ab your job and people shouldn’t be comparing

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and you’re allowed to be upset about that

cobalt drum
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I just

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I just make shit worse

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This place lowk hasn’t done anything for me

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But make me feel even more shitty about myself

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Which whoopty do

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That’s why I came here in the first place

quasi granite
cobalt drum
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You wanna invite me to that mh server your in?

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Cus idk if I want to be here much longer

cobalt drum
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It’s every time I vent something ends up going badly

quasi granite
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you’re allowed to vent

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if you need to vent privately you can vent in my dms

cobalt drum
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Thanks

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And

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Is there any way you could invite me to that server your in

quasi granite
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yeah ofc

cobalt drum
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Lowk feel like a sensitive bitch

gloomy root
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Cap

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💔

cobalt drum
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Lowk think I should leave the server

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I rly think ppl here don’t like me no more

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I shoulda just kept my fucking mouth shut

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Now everything sucks and everyone hates me

dark topaz
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i dont hate u

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not gonna lie ive thought about leaving cuz this is really triggering:(

mint loom
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I just came across this exploring the server a bit. Boden, you are so kind. Please don’t lose sight of that. It’s okay to advocate for yourself, make mistakes, and speak your mind. I haven’t seen any indication that people hate you. Please keep doing some self care and reach out to your comfort people. If you ever need to chat, I’m here. I’m part of the LGBTQ community so I can share similar perspectives as well. Take care, please don’t hesitate to reach out for support.

cobalt drum
dark topaz
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like who

mint loom
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We don’t need to put Boden on the spot to name drop. That’s not fair to Boden and that’s not going to help the situation.

cobalt drum
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I also wanna keep their names private outta respect

mint loom
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You’re allowed to have bad days. You’re allowed to want to scream from the roof tops and give everyone the middle finger. You’re allowed to say “you know what, you don’t like me that’s fine”

The only important thing is, do you like you? What is your relationship with yourself?

cobalt drum
mint loom
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I’ll be honest. MOST people don’t like me. Had a girl block me today because I said while you are sweet and fun, we just don’t share many common interests. Girl cursed me out and blocked me. But because I know me, I know my heart, and I know my value, girl bye 👋🏼

I know that type of comfort comes after a while. It takes time to build that love within yourself, I still work on it everyday.

mint loom
# cobalt drum No, I lowk hate myself

I think we need to work on that. I don’t know you, but everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has their tribe in this world. And sometimes it takes a while to find it. And self love is something that is a pain in the butt, but it’s so worth it.

gloomy root
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Gng chill

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Not ur fault i decided to talk and try to figure out whats wrong

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It was MY FAULT

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but since ik kya is reading this like allways im js gonna say

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Hi kya

cobalt drum
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That vent lowk sounds like a guilt trip

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And I’m jus being a sensitive bitch

gloomy root
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Whos

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Yours?

cobalt drum
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Mine

gloomy root
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Hell no

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Its self expressing

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Js talking ab ur feelings

cobalt drum
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It sounds like I’m trying to guilt trip tho

gloomy root
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I do the same

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But in a meaner way

gloomy root
cobalt drum
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Idk

cobalt drum
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My friend is struggling and idk how to help her

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🙁🙁🙁

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
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I lowk didn’t know how to help

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Brutha u helped A LOY

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Lot

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Sorry for giving u a reason to vent

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
cobalt drum
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You should probably sleep

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Nah

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Ty yho

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Tho

cobalt drum
#

I lowk think people don’t like Donda because it has religious themes

cobalt drum
#

Verse 1)
You walk in the room, and it feel like peace,
Like all the noise in my mind finally got released.
You ain’t even gotta speak, your energy say enough,
You the type to make the day feel less rough.

You remind me what kindness really looks like,
What grace sounds like when the words hit right.
Always got time for others, never chasing attention,
You move with love, and that deserves a mention.

⸻

(Hook)
I’m just grateful for you, all the things you do,
From the smallest words to the way you move.
It’s a blessing just knowin’ you walk this Earth,
Like the universe flexed when it gave you birth.

I’m just grateful for you, and I hope you see,
That the world’s a better place just ‘cause you breathe.
And if I ever could — not tryna do too much —
I’d give you a hug, just to pass back some of that touch.

———————-

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(Verse 2)
You got a soft kind of power, a quiet strength,
Never loud, but your presence go the full length.
You check in on folks like it’s second nature,
Liftin’ spirits without askin’ for no favor.

You real with it — thoughtful, true to the core,
Like, you don’t just hear pain, you feel it more.
I seen the way you care, how deep you go,
How you carry others when they feel low.

⸻

(Bridge)
And I know life ain’t always been kind to you,
But you still show love like you got nothin’ to prove.
That’s rare. That’s beautiful. That’s power in bloom,
Like a flower growin’ steady in a shadowed room.

You the type that remind me what “good” still means,
In a world so loud, you a soft, strong beam.
And I just wanna say that I see you, clear,
And I’m better for every moment you’ve been near.

⸻

(Hook)
I’m just grateful for you, all the things you do,
From the smallest words to the way you move.
It’s a blessing just knowin’ you walk this Earth,
Like the universe flexed when it gave you birth.

I’m just grateful for you, and I hope you see,
That the world’s a better place just ‘cause you breathe.

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Made this abt emi

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Mb if that’s a little weird

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But I lowk appreciate the shit outta her

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Shes shown nothing but kindness and compassion to me

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AWWW

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I'm crying

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Lika actually

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
cobalt drum
cobalt drum
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Lowk wanna relapse nowww

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Idk how to help ppl

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And it sucks

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I wanna just curl up

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And like

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Drink the bottle

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Get high

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And fall asleep

cobalt drum
#

Why do I gotta be like this Cri Cri Cri

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I don’t need to take the responsibility of helping everyone else

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But yet I still do

cobalt drum
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It’s lowk so hard for me to continue helping when suicide is involved

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It stresses me out

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And gives me bad memories

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God the talk of suicide is so triggering

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I don’t know why I keep checking gen chat

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Am I worth it?

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Do I put enough work in?

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It like

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Hurts

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I’m a useless stain of human filth

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I don’t deserve any of it

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Nothing

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I don’t

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I’m a literal stain

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I’m fucking useless

merry star
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@cobalt drum Are you ok? Do you need to talk?

cobalt drum
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It’s all just so much

merry star
#

If it's bad for you you can always leave man

cobalt drum
#

No just

merry star
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Do what it's better for you

cobalt drum
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Everything

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Like

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It’s all just so

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Fuck man

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I’m probably just being a sensitive bitch

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I’ll shut up now

merry star
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It's my friend who you're talking about

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Be nice with yourself

merry star
cobalt drum
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I’m good

merry star
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Ok

cobalt drum
#

It’s sad to watch

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People struggle

#

And knowing I can’t do anything

#

And if I tried it would make me feel worse

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

Don't you EVER think like that Boden

#

No

#

It's not fair

#

It's not fair for you

wintry widget
#

Dont

cobalt drum
#

I feel like I’m falling behind in life

#

Everyone around me is doing great things

#

And I’m stuck

cobalt drum
#

I can’t

#

I can’t do anything without making me want to blow my brains across the wall

#

It’s hardddddd

#

I try to help but to no avail

#

Only end up making me worse

#

Falling behind in life doesn't exist everyone moves at their own pace!!

cobalt drum
#

But I can’t help but think Yk?

wintry widget
cobalt drum
#

I lowk feels shitty now

#

Like badddd

#

Rly badd

#

Like holy moly

#

I lowk used to think I just need to find love but starting to think that’s not the case

#

I don’t know what will fix me

cobalt drum
#

Lowk thinking this server is way better off without me

#

I don’t think people want me here..

quasi granite
cobalt drum
#

Others

quasi granite
#

we want you to stay hugs

#

and i speak for everyone

cobalt drum
#

And even if it is

#

Then the fact that all I do is end up making things worse here

#

I haven’t done anything positive

errant hearth
cobalt drum
#

And if you mind I dm you?

#

I think I lost another friend

#

Fucking hell

#

I hate myself

#

I should just fucking kms already

#

All I do is make shit worse

errant hearth
cobalt drum
#

Oh

#

And one of my friends just offed themselves

#

So fucking great

#

This night is splendid

#

Guess that’s 4 friends lost this summer

#

wtf is it even worth living for anymore

#

Everyone around me will either leave or end up hating me

#

I’m cursed

#

Or something

#

Or they end up dead

#

1 dead, 1 radio silent, 2 hate me.

#

Mind of view

#

The 3 that arent dead said that they would be by my side for as long as they lived

#

Haha

#

Guess we figured out who is fake huh?

#

Now that’s funny

#

Well not really

#

It’s sad

#

Especially for me

#

Given I believed them

#

Only adding to my trust issues

#

Eh fuck them

#

They aren’t making beats for artists

#

I am

#

I’m doing something

#

They aren’t

#

All they doing is being fake

#

Ghosting or hating me

#

But shit does it hurt

#

A hell of a lot

#

They would say

#

“Boden I care”

#

You care now?

#

No

#

I don’t think so

#

“I’ll be with you forever”

#

Really?

#

I never knew forever was so damn short you jackass

#

I wanna punch a wall and then cry

#

Because god damn am I pissed

#

But I’m also really fucking sad

#

Like holy shit I’m sad

#

I wanna blow my brains across the ceiling

#

Or and uo convulsing in my own vomit on the bathroom floor

#

Or end up hanging three feet off the fucking floor

#

The world would be better without me

#

Not just this place

#

But the whole world

#

Fuck man.

#

Eh wtf am I even doing

#

Nobody is gonna actually read off of that shit

#

If you read all that you a real one

#

Def not one of the fakes

#

Logan a real one I know it

#

Emi a real one I know it

#

John a real one I know it

#

Wow

#

That’s it

#

Holy shit

#

That literally it

#

That’s all I can think

#

Like

#

Actually

#

That I know won’t leave

#

And that arent fake

quasi granite
#

😔

#

i read everything you said and i’m sorry if you think i’m fake

cobalt drum
quasi granite
#

why do you think that? i genuinely like you as a friend and i would be upset if we weren’t friends anymore.

cobalt drum
#

Pls don’t take it personally

#

I could be rly fuckin wrong

quasi granite
#

i think you are

#

nothing you could say could make me stop being your friend

cobalt drum
#

Maybe

#

Idk

quasi granite
#

i wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

People around me are doing great things and I’m stuck doing nothing with myself

#

People are getting promotions when I’m just a “crazy member”

#

It’s hurts to see what I’ve seen

#

And I’m just falling behind

#

I feel useless

sleek cairn
# cobalt drum People around me are doing great things and I’m stuck doing nothing with myself

Don't measure your success with the success of others, you're not them and they're not you, you don't share the same lives, you learned different skills and have different personalities, there's nothing to compare, you're not falling behind, you're moving at the pace you're able to move, you're not useless, no one really is, so please try to hold on tight to what you're good at, your skills and capabilities, they're a part of who you are, everyone has them and you're no different.

cobalt drum
#

Just applied for mod here

#

A 4th time

#

3 times no response

#

4th times tha charm right?

#

I hope

#

All I want to do is help make this place better

#

And now half the mod team thinks I’m crazy

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

It hurts my heart to see my friend like this:(

#

I want to help

merry star
#

If you need to talk I'm here bro, you're not alone

#

I don't care if you consider me your friend or not

#

Just want you to know that there's a lot of people willing to help

cobalt drum
#

FAUDBDICJDSND

#

idk if I can keep it platonic for that long

#

Nsixbdidbxdjs

wintry widget
#

@cobalt drum

#

If you ever need any help lmk bro

#

🙏

cobalt drum
#

I had a horrible dream last night

cobalt drum
#

I can’t even drink grape soda anymore

#

Because that’s what I used to put cough syrup in

#

And now it just reminds me of the gross taste

#

That headache enducing taste

cobalt drum
#

Agatgdebudbsd

#

Today was so hard at work

#

And like

#

I just need to relax but I can’t

#

Wait…

#

I have a really bad idea

#

Welp

#

I failed at something so simple

#

It would be so easy to just

#

Kill myself tonight

#

sigh

#

I think only one person would like

#

Not forget me

#

And like

#

Sadly I’m not the guy Yk

#

Im lowk a terrible person

#

God ontop of that I’m sure I would be a terrible father

#

Like

#

I just thought of a family

#

And I would be a terrible father

#

I would probably either be dead or I would hardly be around

#

Either way my child would probably be a bastard

#

Fuck man

#

I think tonight is the night

#

I’m sorry

#

That’s all folks

#

Goodbye

quasi granite
#

no

#

if you’re seriously thinking about that, please call 988

#

they can get you the help you need

cobalt drum
#

Just to make my shit worse?

quasi granite
#

they won’t put you in a hospital

cobalt drum
#

Mhm…

#

Why wouldn’t they?

quasi granite
#

not if you don’t have a plan and are seriously thinking of going thru with it

cobalt drum
#

I do have a plan

quasi granite
#

you need to tell someone asap

cobalt drum
#

I’m not getting put in a hospital mads

#

That’s end of story

#

Also

#

Why do you care?

quasi granite
#

bc i’m your friend

#

i care about you

#

but the only way you’ll get the help you need is if you ask for it

cobalt drum
#

Maybe I don’t want help anymore

#

Maybe I want peace

#

Also

#

I’m on discord friend

#

I garuntee give it like

#

A month max

quasi granite
#

don’t say that

cobalt drum
#

Say what

quasi granite
#

im not going to stop being your friend

cobalt drum
#

But if like

#

I died tonight

quasi granite
#

you’re not going to

cobalt drum
#

I bet you would forget about me in a month max

#

Like deadass

quasi granite
#

no i won’t

#

you’ll always be in the back in my mind

cobalt drum
#

Hmm

#

Okay

#

If you say so

quasi granite
#

i do say so

#

please don’t go thru with it

#

this server needs you

#

i need you here

cobalt drum
#

That’s like

#

A massive lie

#

Fr

quasi granite
#

no it’s not

#

i wouldn’t lie to you

#

do you talk to a therapist?

cobalt drum
#

Also you seem to be doing well in that other server

#

And I’m hardly active there

#

So

#

I don’t think you need me here

quasi granite
#

yes i do

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
quasi granite
#

i literally do

#

when do you talk to your therapist next?

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
#

U like that other server

#

And Ive probably sent like

#

3 messages

quasi granite
#

i like huddle too and i barely said anything in that server

#

next time you talk to your therapist tell them everything

cobalt drum
#

I already have

quasi granite
#

im talking about tonight

cobalt drum
#

Mhm

#

I don’t think I’ll have the chance Yk?

quasi granite
#

wdym

cobalt drum
#

Idk

#

I think I’m just gonna go

#

Sorry

quasi granite
#

you’re going to bed? and don’t apologize you’re okay

#

i just want to make sure you’re safe

cobalt drum
#

I’m sorry

quasi granite
#

don’t apologize it’s okay

#

i think you should go to sleep if you’re tired

cobalt drum
#

Idk

#

Fuck ur probably right

#

I’m sorry

quasi granite
#

stop apologizing its okayyy

wintry widget
#

@cobalt drum

#

You doing good?

cobalt drum
#

Heaven Got a Frontline”

(Verse 1)
Woke up with a weight on my chest, can’t breathe
Feelin’ like God hit “leave” on me, no reprieve
Seen homies drop over turf, over dumb shit
A color, a word — now they slump in a ditch
RIP to Nipsey, tryna build up the block
Pop Smoke got smoked for a chain and a watch
X got shot in his car, never got to respond
Juice took too much tryna quiet that storm

Addicted to the numb, addicted to the dark
Pourin’ pain in my cup, tryna silence my heart
I be lookin’ in the mirror like “who tf is that?”
Just a shell of a soul with a hoodie and strap
Cops ride past, ain’t no questions, just tape
Another body in the street, just a regular day
Tryna scream to the sky, but it echo back dead
Like God clocked out, like hope just fled

(Hook)
I just wanna fly to the sky, break the chain
See the real ones one last time, hug the pain
Talk to legends that we lost in the middle of the fight
Light a blunt with ’em under Heaven’s light
If Heaven got a frontline, I’ll take that post
If peace got a price, then I paid that most
This shit deeper than the grave, deeper than the blood
Ain’t no peace in the hood, only ashes and mud

#

(Verse 2)
Sometimes I pray with a side-eye glare
Tell God, “You watchin’? ‘Cause I don’t think you care”
They killin’ kids for a name and a post
While the system sip wine, we just rot on the coast
Depression grip tight, like a chain on my throat
Can’t breathe, can’t dream, just drownin’ in smoke
Tryna mask all the pain with a song and a drink
But the thoughts get loud when I start to think

I seen light turn cold in a second flat
Seen a smile turn to silence on a bloodstained mat
Cops show up, just check a box
No justice, no peace, just crooked talks
I ain’t tryna end up as another lost name
On a wall, on a shirt, in the street’s fake fame
Peeped death in the face and it whispered back
“This world don’t love you — that’s a fuckin’ fact”

(Hook)
I just wanna fly to the sky, break the chain
See the real ones one last time, hug the pain
Talk to legends that we lost in the middle of the fight
Light a blunt with ’em under Heaven’s light
If Heaven got a frontline, I’ll take that post
If peace got a price, then I paid that most
This shit deeper than the grave, deeper than the blood
Ain’t no peace in the hood, only ashes and mud

(Outro)
If I don’t wake up, just know I ain’t fold
Kept fightin’ through the fire, heart heavy and cold
Pour one for the fallen, not the flex or the clout
This life don’t love us, we just bleed it out
And if God still listenin’, hope He hear me clear:
I just wanna feel peace while I’m still down here.

#

Just a little song I wrote

#

I might make a beat or use a beat that I have for it

#

Record lyrics

#

And yeah

#

Post it

cobalt drum
#

Okay so

#

🫶

#

Idrk what to say

#

Lolzies

#

Ig I should start from where is all started

#

Ok I'll stfu mbmb

#

My name is Boden

#

I was born April 18th 20XX

#

Don’t need ppl knowing my age

#

Yet

#

But when I was about 10

#

Maybe 11

#

My friend at the time got his hands on weed

#

I don’t know how

#

But he just did

#

I think someone gave it to him at a campground is what he said

#

But I went to his place and smoked it out of a homemade pipe made out of tinfoil and the thing that thing that holds your earaser on a pencil

#

And we just went into the woods and smoked the whole bag

#

Then I just started going to his place every week

#

Just to smoke

#

And it’s also how I got into smoking cigarettes and vaping

#

And then he influenced me to start taking painkillers

#

And I did

#

Eventually cut him off but I was already addicted

#

I eventually moved up to hard opiods

#

Like Percocet and Xanax

#

And got heavily addicted

#

Eventually snapped out of it

#

And quit

#

It was hard

#

But then I replaced that with cough syrup

#

Which isn’t much better

#

I just relapsed like last week

#

And I was in just this place of pain and hurt for so long

#

So I started

#

Oh and did I mention I would go over to that friends house for literally years

#

Like for years I would go every week

#

I still sometimes smoke weed

#

But like

#

Well actually I havnt in like 3 months

#

So yeah

#

That’s nice ig

#

PROUD OF U POOKIE

#

But uhhh

#

Uhm

#

Yeah

#

Attempted suicide

#

Fuck

#

11 times

#

8 successful

merry star
#

What

cobalt drum
#

Well actually more like

#

9 times because 3 were accident

merry star
#

If they were successful how are you still alive

#

I don't understand

cobalt drum
#

You can be resuscitated

#

With narcan for opiod overdoses

#

Which is how I died

merry star
#

So you died 9 times

cobalt drum
#

No 9 attempted

#

And 5 successful

#

3 where accident

merry star
#

So you died 5 times

cobalt drum
#

Mhm

#

Pronounced

merry star
#

I don't think your heart is going to like that

brisk marten
#

can iask something?

cobalt drum
cobalt drum
brisk marten
#

Did you get any visions in your last moments?

cobalt drum
brisk marten
#

Like you saw things?

cobalt drum
#

Ive been to hell

#

I’m deadass

brisk marten
#

Seen?

cobalt drum
#

For like

#

2 minutes

#

That must've been hard on you boden I'm sorry

brisk marten
#

well that's horrifying

cobalt drum
#

It was loud and hot

brisk marten
#

what did you see there

cobalt drum
#

I seen people naked being whipped

#

Stabbed

#

||skinned||

brisk marten
#

After returning to life, did that vision affect how you view everything

cobalt drum
#

How are you sane

cobalt drum
brisk marten
#

Did you turn to religion? Or just try being a better person overall

cobalt drum
#

I’ve always been religious

brisk marten
#

That's good my man

cobalt drum
#

But I tried being a better person overall

brisk marten
#

You're a great person, i hope you can make it

cobalt drum
#

Thank you man

brisk marten
#

a few other questions

cobalt drum
#

It means a lot

brisk marten
#

Stop me when it's too much

cobalt drum
brisk marten
#

Out of all the times you were pronounced dead, did you get visions each time?

cobalt drum
brisk marten
#

Besides the hell vision

#

were there any different ones?

#

how real did they feel

cobalt drum
#

And I was running through tall grass

#

Just laughing

#

But I was like

#

Watching it

#

I wasn’t me

#

If that makes sense

#

The other one

brisk marten
#

Like it was replaying moments?

#

Your life flashing before your eyes

cobalt drum
#

No

#

It wasn’t like that

#

But

#

The other time I was locked in a dark room

#

And getting asked questions about my life by a guy

#

And I couldn’t see his face

#

And I was scared

brisk marten
#

That's terryifying

#

Extremely

cobalt drum
#

They felt

#

Real

#

Like vivid real

#

Except the one of me as a little kid

#

Because I was watching it

#

I wasn’t there

brisk marten
#

Just observing it

#

I seee i see

#

Well im really proud of the progress you've made this year

#

Yes you may have relapsed, yes it's gotten bad many times but

#

You're conscious about it, and you're trying to change

#

It matters

cobalt drum
#

Thank you man

#

It really means a lot to have support

brisk marten
#

Addiction is really hard to shake off i know that for sure, the urges will always be there

cobalt drum
#

Before I came here I had nothing and nobody

brisk marten
cobalt drum
#

And it’s been an especially hard year this year

#

So it means a lot

#

Thank you

brisk marten
#

You can lmk when you wanna talk

#

Im free for calling around this time

cobalt drum
#

I will

brisk marten
#

Amd you're welcome, you deserve everything

cobalt drum
#

Thank you

brisk marten
#

Ill go sleep now, thank you for the great conversation

#

It was an honour

cobalt drum
#

And that rly goes for anyone here who has helped me

brisk marten
#

There she is

#

Good night everybody

#

have a great day

cobalt drum
#

Night man

#

Nighty night

#

Any other questions anybody? huddleheartshape

#

I'm hfy boden 🫶

#

Just so yk

cobalt drum
#

I'ma go trauma dump too 🔥

#

Oh I lowk forgot

#

But

#

Yeah

#

I was in such a place of gurt and hatred

#

Because my parents split

#

And I keep thinking to myself how shitty a reason that is

#

“Oh your parents divorced? I dealt with it fine”

#

So like

#

I just feel like a bitch for feeling this way

#

And yeah.

#

Started struggling with anxiety attacks and depression

#

I ended up starting to drink

#

I still do when I’m in a shitty mood

#

But yeah

#

Self worth is a big thing for me

#

I struggle heavily with that.

#

I end up debating suicide most nights

#

I had a note written at one point

#

But I burned it after realizing that nobody would read it

#

Always hfyy

cobalt drum
#

Shit

#

I’m having an anxiety attack