xezzi.p's Journal | Huddle | Page 1

jagged wind Jun 14, 2025, 5:48 AM

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welcome to the scene in the tree, about events and experiences i've faced, some worse than others (please dont judge) but first a little about me thats important for me to say before reading any of this:

1 - im a solid christian believe and follower of Jesus Christ, and i accept and love everyone.
2- i used to (kinda still do) have an addiction to SH, but im slowly coming out of it. i as well have an eating disorder caused by many things.
3- im deathly afraid of peoples opinions, reactions, and words. because i recently lost all of my friends due to them spreading literally everything about me around my old church, and that went on for several years. ill mention more about that in later times.
4- i will pray over everyone who wants and doesnt want it, because that's who i was made to be for people.

i plan to mention as much as i can about my life and what i am experiencing and what i have been through.

jagged wind Jun 15, 2025, 5:11 AM

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im paige, i really dont know where to start. but i had a weird ish childhood, my parents would fight alot about my mother's work and about stress and money, and that used to happen most every night. that includes her throwing glass things around the house and them hitting walls and the floor. she also threw things at me when i was younger as well as a foldable chair and glass bottles and cups. i was really young so i dont remember much but it was still confusing and scary as a child. near around the age of 9 i started becoming more mentally aware of what was happening, and it weighed so much on to me because i thought it was my fault for being yelled at or had stuff thrown at me, but i still didnt understand anything cause i was so young.

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but more recently ive been declining in my mental health because i very recently just went through leaving my church and seeing all my friends leave me as if i was no one.

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around 2021 i joined this local church in my area and i made friends with the pastor's kids and some other girls who went there as well, who were nice at the start but i t took an awful turn in 2024.

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in 2024 in july i lost my grandma a week after my birthday, and that time shook me to my core. soon after my ex had cheated on me and i found out about it and turned it all on me and said i was overreacting and calling me a bitch and bunch of other horrible things that i wasnt at all.

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after that, i went silent and shared only stuff i cared about spilling off my mind was to my friends, cause i trusted them, or i thought i did.

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soon after spilling some stuff off my chest i start hearing my name spread around the whole church.

jagged wind Jun 15, 2025, 10:44 PM

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i didnt know it yet but my friends spilled everything i said about wanting to kms, being cheated on, and not wanting to do anything because i was so mentally miserable and my parents wouldnt understand me when i kept asking for therapy and shit. my friends spilled all of that to their parents and spread it all around church and to parts of my now bf's family and to my family.

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after knowing i couldnt trust them and after a lot of praying, we left the church for good.

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it hurt for a while yeah

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but

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it was needed, because my mom an i were so hurt for years at that church, and no one comforted us when my grandma died.

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and after left the church i got messages from my friends saying that im not "christian like" and saying i've hurt them by leaving them, when in turn, they left me first, they left me as friends and called me ugly and other nasty things.

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but them spreading my shit around seems pretty 'unchristian like" im not judging but thats what it was to me at that time.

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and now i have no friends and i unintentionally transitioned from extrovert to introvert. because now i have so much anxiety about meeting new people

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because i think they will be like my old friends.

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i hope they wont be but they could be

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and my mom recently a few days back told me im too sensitive because i should be stronger and not let my feelings show so much.

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im super sensitive to everything and i cry when theres loud noises or yelling

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i hate yelling

jagged wind Jun 16, 2025, 6:58 PM

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with my bf now i feel super duper secure, and safe and happy

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my past relationships all wanted sex or to touch me

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and it wasn't good at all

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i was almost 🍇 ed in my very first relationship at 12-13

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in my reltaionship currently i dont want him to leave

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i dont want to leave either

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i feel like a burden because i think everything that happens is my fault

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like my mind forces "its your fault" in my head

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and my bf knows and i know i can not control it at all because all of the people who told me it was my fault and that i was the problem too

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but idk anymore, i just feel like im a burden wether i say stuff or not

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xezzi.p's Journal

jagged wind Jun 28, 2025, 5:44 AM

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i feel unwanted

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i feel like i dont belong in anything anymore

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my birthday is 2 days away and i feel worthless

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i feel ugly inside and out

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maybe im not enough because i forget so much

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maybe im too sensitive

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and maybe im selfish

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i feel im blamed for everything

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every little things that happens

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every bad thing

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then when its a good thing i did no one sees me

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only my bf does

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and im so grateful for him

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i love him to death

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but i feel so hurt by these people that did all of this to me

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and who treated me and taught me it was MY fault

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when it was really theirs

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sometimes i feel like i shouldnt exist

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kinda right now

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but i feel unseen

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and helpless

jagged wind Jun 29, 2025, 5:45 AM

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is all the work i've done useless?

jagged wind Jun 29, 2025, 6:16 AM

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again i feel like i ruin everyone's mood with my mood

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i feel like its my fault that people dont like me

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because im too emotional or too sensitive

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i cry to the sound of yelling and stuff

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idk how to feel

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its my fault anyway

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all my feelings

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my thoughts

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its my fault that i appear to not care

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its my fault for being a bitch

jagged wind Jun 30, 2025, 6:49 AM

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today is my 16th birthday

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well

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the 30th is

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im so excited but not

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i feel happy but empty

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mind clouded with sad things

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i hope i have a good birthday

jagged wind Jun 30, 2025, 3:36 PM

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well so much for this morning’s birthday

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im fed up with my bf

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he makes everything about him

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he always wants to be babied and i put in all my effort

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but when i wanna be babied he puts in ZERO effort

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i cant say all this to his face

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im not that person

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but it makes me feel unwanted

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i feel like im just side candy

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what if hes cheating

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its literally my birthday

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am i really just side candy?

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just a decoration?

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it makes me scared

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wht if im cheated on again

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what if he decides to not love me anymore

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am i the problem?

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(also if you get this far please i would like help im spiraling constantly and its making me go insane.)

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ill change the thingy so people can respond because i need more help than just nobody

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but i feel its my fault i cant be babied right

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he doesnt put in as much effort as i do

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i should talk to him but im so fucking scared

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what do i do??

jagged wind Jun 30, 2025, 4:12 PM

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i feel like hes annoyed at me

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i didnt do anything

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its all my fault isnt it

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it makes me wanna kms

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on my fucking birthday

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yeah thats really cool that i feel this way and its pissing me off

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i dont know what people want me to do anymore

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i try and i try

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maybe im just arm candy

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just a decoration

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im not worth it

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im useless

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i feel unappreciated

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and unwanted

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its my fault

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oh yeah my bf leave out of state for a month and 19 days

jagged wind Jun 30, 2025, 4:32 PM

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tomorrow he does tho

jagged wind Jun 30, 2025, 5:29 PM

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again i feel like im too much for people

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i feel useless to the point where i wanna kms

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and it hurts really bad even on my own birthday, which fucking sucks

wind fable Jun 30, 2025, 6:27 PM

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jagged wind well so much for this morning’s birthday

xezzi,
This is saliyel, just a nobody,
but I want you to know that, you're equally important.

First of all,
on this most special day of your year—your birthday—
I want to say to you:

✨ Happy Birthday! ✨
I'm truly glad I can celebrate this special day with you.
In this moment that's entirely yours, you deserve to be cherished deeply.

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I’m sharing this only if it feels helpful, and please feel free to take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.
Back to the relationship
Regarding the emotional challenges you're facing right now,
perhaps we can face together about how you can move forward steadily, feeling less alone.
You’ve really worked so hard all this time. Thank you for everything you’ve quietly given to this relationship—your patience, your understanding, and all the efforts that often go unseen.”

I know
that every relationship requires effort from both sides.
Sadly, from your words, I can sense that your boyfriend seems more focused on himself,
overlooking your feelings and needs.

Please remember,
it's completely normal to hope for mutual care and response when you give your heart,
because love should never be a one-sided effort.

We all long for someone
who can offer us security and warmth
when we feel vulnerable and in need of care.

It’s not about wanting to control someone else’s freedom;
it's about yearning to be seen, understood, and respected.

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Therefore, in this relationship,
I believe we can start by gently expressing our needs.

||Communication is an essential way to build a bridge between two hearts,
and it’s also the path that allows us to truly get closer and understand each other deeply.||

When you’re ready to express yourself, you can try this sentence pattern:

“When ___ (describe the event), I feel ___ (emotion), because for me ___ (need). I hope ___ (specific desired action).”

For example, when you feel not respected or unheard, you might say:

“When I put in effort but don't receive any response, I feel very lonely, because to me, receiving a response means feeling cared about. I hope that, in the future, when I need a hug or comfort, I can tell you openly, and you’ll be willing to hug me.”

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You deserve to feel safe in your relationships.
It’s okay to want to feel loved.
Please remember you are not alone in this.
And im sorry for saying the following thing

||If your boyfriend isn’t making an effort to understand your heart, it might be worth asking if he’s truly the right person for you.||

I hope your relationship with your boyfriend gradually becomes clearer,
and may the loneliness within your heart finally be understood and gently seen by him.

jagged wind Jul 1, 2025, 5:49 AM

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thank you, i needed to hear all that, i will pray on what to do because i trust God with my life and everything

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and thnk you for the happy birthday

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i got my 2nd piercing!! yesterday i did..i forgot it existed

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just a 2nd ear lobe piercing

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and i got arianna grande vinyl records

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and her perfumes

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and a cute bracelet and other stuffs

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and spent time with my bf

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i cried a lot today even though it was my birthday, but weirdly enough when this morning i was feeling shitty and stuff, my bf comforted me

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but i kinda still felt empty because i thought he was only doing that to make me feel happy, like not because he wanted to or something

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like only cause he doesnt want me to be like and emotional bitch 😭

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ykwim

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like not for me to be okay but for him to like not have to deal with my shit

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which i get that

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but

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idk

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sums off

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and i feel hes really self centered

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i mean naturally he is

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he’s obsessed with his physique, muscular, handsome, all that shit, he takes a lot of like 💊 and stuff for his muscles and testosterone, and all that

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but he is super handsome im not saying he isnt

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hes just

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a lil self absorbed

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then again a lot caused that

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but ill talk to him about him being self absorbed

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idk how itll go but

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ill put it in here

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hopefully it goes okay

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goodnight though

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and im 16 now 🎉

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but hey wanna see a silly cat?

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okay night

jagged wind Jul 1, 2025, 4:25 PM

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my bf left for out of state today, idk what im gonna do

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like idk what im gonna do since i have no friends

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no people to hang out with

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i mean my brother is an option

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but hes weird for a 13 year old

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but idk ill maybe go to the lake or sum

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lake or ocean

jagged wind Jul 2, 2025, 2:28 AM

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i feel sick

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like in my head sick

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ive been sad all day

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and i feel so like gross

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and disgusted in my skin

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i went to the gym today like i do 3 times a week

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i love it cause i love being active

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but i feel empty

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like its never enough

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i still think im ffat in all my swimsuits

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in my tank tops

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dresses

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all of it

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am i pretty?

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will i ever be pretty enough?

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i do so much to be pretty

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makeup

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skin care

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(tw! idk if it is but it hurts me physically)

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bone smashing

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(making small fractures in the bone so it can heal into something different)

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i do facial exercises

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drink so much water and use collagen

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everything

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and im still not pretty

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i just wanna take scissors and cut my body up

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and just hang myself how i would try to in the past

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i hate it

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as my bf says

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better luck next time

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if you see me mentioning my bf a lot its cause he's literally the only person i have as a friend, a lover, and a help with my mental and a huge support to me, so please dont judge me on that, im not saying anyone did, but i dont want anyone to get the wrong idea or sum shi idk

jagged wind Jul 3, 2025, 6:13 AM

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again i feel like my bf is being self absorbed, i called him out for it when i was trying to show him the new things i bought like perfume and vinyl records

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but he was doing other things and interupting me when i was talking about the things i bought

wind fable Jul 3, 2025, 8:30 PM

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Hi xezzi,

Thank you for sharing more about this relationship. I went back and reread your past journals, and I want to say I’m sorry if any of my previous words might have crossed your boundaries or hurt your feelings in any way.

I’m really glad you had someone by your side to support you when things were difficult. It seems he was a comforting presence for you while you were processing the hurt from your previous church and past relationships.

I hope you can slowly start to see how lovely and beautiful you are.
You truly deserve to be treated with gentleness, and you deserve to be loved.

jagged wind Jul 5, 2025, 5:42 AM

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thank you, and i hope i can see it too, just really hard when everyone is full of themselves and all that, i hate it

jagged wind Jul 5, 2025, 9:00 AM

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okay its 2:00 am

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and

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in at a lake for the 4th of jy

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july

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and

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i just got into my family’s trailer because i didnt feel safe safe at all by the lake in my tent

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because of my cousin and his gf

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uh

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they were doing the uh

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ykw

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the nasty.

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and it was so fucking loud i started crying

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so i packed all of my stuff and got out of my tent

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and went straight up the hill and up stairs into the family trailer

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luckily my other cousins were there

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and i started crying immediately when i got in here

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but before all that i was with my cousin and his gf and we were just vaping and talking

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peach vape btw (WAS SO GOOD)

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and

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then my cousin went inside

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like his trailer

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and his gf followed about 10 mins later

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and i was still outside btw

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AND THEY JUST START YK

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IM JUST LIKE WTF

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im so mad and upset and i feel scared because ive literally never been in this situation ever

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and

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then it just gets louder and louder and i turn off the propane tank for the fire and i rush over to my tent

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pack everything up

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and tell my dad that i am going upstairs

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because i have no parents here btw

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i texted him i went upstairs to see if i can get into the house or the trailer

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so then i walk up the hill and stairs

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and i try every door for the house

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none were unlocked

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so i walked over to the family trailer

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and knocked on the door

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and my cousin cameron and his friends let me in

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i start crying my eyes out, im basically traumatized

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i know it sounds like bs

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but

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hearing sex like loud as fuck is so fucking scary to me

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so dont judge me please

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plus it was just really loud

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and it scared me

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very bad

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and now im in bed in the trailer

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i wanna go to bed but i cant

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and my cousin and his friends are literally blasting arianna grande

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i love ari

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but

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not the right time

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😭😭😭😭

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but yeah all that happened

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and i feel so shitty and honestly wanting to kms

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that was so fucking bad you cant even imagine

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its like porn in your ears

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fucking horrible

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goodnight chat

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ill probably not fucking sleep like last night too

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heres the message to my dad too if you’re wondering

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gosh i wanna kms so bad

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i feel so bad bro

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i shouldnt have vaped

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shouldnt have hit the nic

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bad 16 year old move

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at least i dont get high easily off it

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but i do got a headache

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i feel scared to death

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i have so much anxiety

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its horrible

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my ears are violated

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literally

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this is bs

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PLUS

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THEY SHOULDNT HAVE DONE IT WHEN KIDS ARE TRYNA SLEEP IN SEVERAL OTHER TENTS TOO

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LIKE TF?

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( da faq)

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LIKE

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USE YOUR BRAINS

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HIS GF LITERALLY LOST HER PHONE IN THE LAKE TOO

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CAUSE THEY ARE DRUNK ASF

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and went on the fucking jet ski

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yeah thts so smart

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even with her phone

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😭😭

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then they came back and she was so fucking pissed

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then they fucked

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LIKE

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WHY

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😭😭

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its like they were born yesterday

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like wtf

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and they expect me to not say anything to anyone

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but

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NAH

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im telling my bf and my parents

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what is my cousin gonna do

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idiots

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morons

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i miss my bf

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i miss all of him

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and i honestly wanna curl up into a ball and rot and die

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that was so horrible

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even for a 16 yr old

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literally porn in your ears

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like

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i dont understand how people find that comforting

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or shm shi

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its gross dude

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not of God

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but im cold and sleepy

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so goodnight

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final time

jagged wind Jul 7, 2025, 4:36 AM

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well

jagged wind Jul 7, 2025, 4:54 AM

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my mom called all my sunburns ugly

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and

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she shamed me for the way my body looks

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and yelled at me for being a baby and being scared and going to the trailer at the lake

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she said " you've put on weight, you HAVE to fit in the clothes i bought you."

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basically calling me fat

jagged wind Jul 9, 2025, 9:13 PM

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i feel like im too attached

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im too much

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and im too clingy

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im too sensitive to everything

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to every argument

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and then i think its all my fault

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when in turn im just worried and scared inside

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its always my fucking job to take care of him

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IM THE ONE ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF THINGS

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TAKING CARE OF HIM

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IM SO TIRED BRO

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im so tired

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i just wanna rest and get away from my thought but no i have to push then deep down and take care of my boyfriend (he’s my baby)

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i jsut care for him so much and i dont want him to be in pain and i was crying earlier cuz i didnt know how to comprehend what he was saying in our argument

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and then i said “i should have been there for you instead of letting myself cry”

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i feel stupid

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i feel like im just a stuffed animal

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just there as a comfort object

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ofc i dont mind comforting him

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but i want my feelings to be acknowledged too

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that im tired

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im tired as a girlfriend

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and i just wanna rest because i have so many emotions

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and hes all the way in another state

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i miss him a lot

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and i have to still take care of him while hes away

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am i a bad girlfriend

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its my fault

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its all my fault

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every bad thing is my fault

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its my fault for arguing

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its my fault for worrying

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my fault for being too attached

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im such a fucking bitch

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im horrible

jagged wind Jul 13, 2025, 3:33 AM

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i feel like its my fault

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i didnt follow what my bf said and i feel like hes mad at me

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and its my fault

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and everything

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nd i hate myself

jagged wind Jul 24, 2025, 5:31 AM

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im doing a little better with things but i feel lonely

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i feel like im un needed in things

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i feel anxiety when im out because i have a fear of people looking at me while im out and back talking me

jagged wind Jul 24, 2025, 4:55 PM

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i kinda feel like im gonna fall apart again.

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i dont know why

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its just a gut feeling

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could be God

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could be something else

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i dont know, but its just a bad gut feeling but i know then its not God

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i dont know really, just kinda lonely and idk what to do

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i basically just play games all day

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i have no friends

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only my bf

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gets lonely watching everyone else have friends and go have fun

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but then you look at yourself and think “wish i had that”

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then people tell me to not be scared to meet new people

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it is a whole mental thing

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like i mentally cant convince myself i can do it

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they say its easy

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but my old friends up and left me like i was shit

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they left me all at the same time

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and talked bad about me

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to their parents

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then they told the pastor and his wife

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and they spread my information around the church

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everyone knew

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i was see through

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i put up with that for 3 out of the 6 years knowing my friends

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3 fucking years

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and people tell me to not be scared

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really?

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that shit is still fresh and you’re telling me not to be scared?

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who wouldnt be scared to go back out and make new friends

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after i was put through

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its easy sure

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easy for you to say

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not to do

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or think

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or act on

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but i do miss having friends

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just not bitchy ones

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who spread my shit

jagged wind Aug 1, 2025, 5:22 AM

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its getting bad again

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i have a horrible habit or picking at my arms til they bleed in many different places

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and my arm is so red its kinda cold

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but

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ive been having more and more anxiety

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my brother went to camp for a week

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and so im the only other person in the house besides my parents

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and my mom is so much more harsh

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she told me im a horrible daughter jsut cause i stayed up late on my laptop playing some games

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and she yelled at me a lot for it and i just cried

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and today at therapy

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i told my therapist i feel really lonely and she helped out a whole lot

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i have so much anxiety from my bf not being in the same state as i am

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like

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what if hes doing something behind my back

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what if something happens so him and he doesnt respond to me

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what if he got injured yk

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and my brother

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what is sum happens to him

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or if he drowns

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or

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something idfk

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and i have anxiety about myself

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my eating disorder is slowly getting worse again

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ive lost weight

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idk what to do anymore

jagged wind Aug 2, 2025, 6:32 AM

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i feel ugly like

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ugly as in “fat”

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my stomach has been really bloated

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and it makes me look fat asf

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or maybe its just my eyes deceiving me

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or maybe i actually am

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i probably wont eat much tomorrow

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considering the fact i think im fat

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oh well

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but

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i had another lonely day

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it was quiet

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but

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i went with my dad to a music store cuz we collect vinyl records and cds anf shit

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and we scored

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we cot metallica

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got*

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and some old classic shit

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and some eagles (the band) and joe walsh

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and

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we got uh

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queen b, (Beyonce)

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and uhhhh

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i think billy joel

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and some other stuff like beatles and shi

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i think i had too much to drink though guys

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😭😭

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and i found these coold funko pops

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cool*

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and i got stranger things cuz i have a collection of pop figures too

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and manga

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and rubber duckies

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other shit too

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literally i feel neutral

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like i dont feel happy or anything

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but for the past few days now

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ive had a bad headache

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like right at the top of my nose near my eyes yk

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and my temples

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i did art recently too

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i did the gorillaz

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like their lead

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i forget name

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but yeah

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i did that but haven’t colored it

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idk if i should

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but im going up to this city tomorrow

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with my cousin

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damn i feel really insecure about my stomach

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i gotta go to the gym more or im gonna SH again

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😭

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like damn

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but hopefully im not bloated tmr

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cuz like

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I DONT WANNA BE FUCKING FAT

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😭😭

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like wtf im gonna end it if my stomach bloats tmr

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this my bf’s cat btw

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i think the name is quiggy

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i cant spell

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so cuteness

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like girr

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😭

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oh yeah i saw the

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jjk like movie

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i was disappointed

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but

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BUT

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i really loved it

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because it was all put together

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but i wosh they added new scenes from their past

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like gojos and getos

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and shoko

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like before geto left and after geto left

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ykwim

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i took my brother

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to see it

#

he was so fucking amazed

#

😭

#

like bro you have seen this before

#

just not in theaters

#

just the hallow purple was bad fucking ass

#

😭

#

this was so good to see on the screen

#

yk what they say

#

gojo got tojis blessing

#

geto got tojis curse 😭😭

#

like poor geto man

jagged wind Aug 4, 2025, 6:18 PM

#

last night wasnt great, i kinda blew up, like i got angry

#

i went to my moms room and ive been having bad headaches right so i was thinking she could get me some
medicine

#

but i told her its also from anxiety

jagged wind Aug 4, 2025, 6:44 PM

#

and she said “you’re being an asshole, and why cant you just stop having anxiety” “just go around whats bothering you”

#

she literally told me to shove my feelings down inside

#

literally told me that

#

to push them off like its nothing

#

some people aren’t supposed to be parents

#

she told me she never wanted kids

#

cool

jagged wind Aug 6, 2025, 5:05 AM

#

its been really tough lately

#

and its really weird that my parents dont let me eat if im hungry until dinner

#

literally

#

like thats boarderline fucking abuse

#

i mean at least i eat

#

but like damn

#

im not even allowed to eat when im hungry

#

but they say i should eat more and eat "normally"

#

but if you look at them they are overweight

#

they dont go to the gym like i do

#

they dont eat right like i TRY to

#

keyword TRY

#

and they're lazy

#

but my mom tryna lock in

#

but my dad is a bum

#

literally

#

and it pisses me off when he tells me to eat right

#

like wtf

#

look at you fat ass

#

you dont even make income

#

like stfu

#

and you're literally overweight

#

and dont work out

#

like thats your problem

#

but dont tell me how to fuel my body

#

and how to treat it if im gonna turn out like you

#

a bum

#

but besides that anger towards my parents

#

ive been trying

#

and no one appriciates it

#

only my bf does

#

my mom says she does

#

but thats a fat lie

#

and i still have no friends

#

i cant make any cuz im also homeschooled

#

sooo

#

fuck this 😭

#

might as well try to h@ng myself again

#

or sh because im not doing enough

#

im stupid

#

and im a lazy bitch fuck who cant do nothing right

#

i hate myself

jagged wind Aug 8, 2025, 6:38 AM

#

well im not really any better, but i feel empty

#

i feel like im not enough

#

or if im pretty

#

or anything

#

i feel insecure about my body

#

how its not like other girls’

#

and how i dont act like other girls

#

im not that funny

#

but i am wild

#

i tried going to a youth group to make friends

#

but

#

ofc my stupid self didnt check dates

#

the next youth thing is next week

#

😭😭

#

LIKE FUCK

#

and i dont have my therapy for another 2 weeks

#

cause she always on vacation

#

LIKE UGHHH

#

FUCK

#

im literally drowning in my head

#

but

#

i got new vinyl records

#

i got igor by tyler

#

and

#

i got

#

DeAnn by zach bryan

#

😎😎

#

im so fucking cooked bro

#

😭

#

im such a nerd for vinyl and guitars

#

like omg

#

anyway

#

i ate today after not eating all day

#

or barely yesterday

#

my eating disorder getting bad

#

i dont deserve food

#

and i feel so damn guilty

#

i just wanna escape my flesh

#

be with God

#

ill go read my bible

#

though i feel like a failure

#

i feel like everyone is mad at me

#

i feel unseen at the same time

#

am i seen? or am i just existing

#

am i really heard? or am i just a voice amongst the crowd.

#

am i really pretty? or am i gaslighting myself

#

am i strong? or am i delusional

#

what is it

#

i think im just existing

#

nothing special

#

just there

#

for shits and giggles

jagged wind Aug 13, 2025, 8:24 PM

#

well

#

i tried eating

#

i didnt eat yesterday though

#

i feel like i dont deserve food

#

and my anxiety is getting worse and worse

#

idk what else to do

#

it makes me wanna kms

#

my acne has been a litte bit worse too

#

makes me look ugly

#

and idk what happened

#

im just so sad

#

sad and lonely

#

and filled with anxiety

#

idk what else to do anymore

#

but

#

i cant wait til i see my bf

#

i see him in a week

#

and im really excited

jagged wind Aug 16, 2025, 9:29 PM

#

wtf

#

my bf said to me over text

#

“im glad you’re pretty”

#

like is that my only good thing about me

#

i feel like arm candy

#

I FJCKING HATE IT

#

i told myself i never wanna be arm candy

#

EVER AGAIN

#

im not enough

#

i dont comfort enough even when i put my all into it

#

i dont support enough when i put my all into it

#

im just arm candy

#

just for looks

#

just to pleasure

#

FUCK

#

dude im so pissed off

#

i hate myself

#

and i js sh too like

#

wtf

#

why do i feel like this

#

why

#

i feel if i were to die no one would fucking care

#

cuz im not fucking part of my family

#

im adopted

#

my cousins told me i would never be part of the family because km adopted

#

im*

#

km not enough

#

i should have been smothered to death like my biological brother

#

im a fucking failure

#

i will never be enough

#

im always going to be arm candy

#

just a toy

#

fuck

#

im nothing

#

i feel like i cant do anything right

#

and i feel like im gonna fall apart

#

i feel like im a bad gf

#

am i?

#

i cant do anything right

#

so fuck me for being the biggest mistake ever on this damn earth

jagged wind Aug 17, 2025, 3:17 AM

#

my dad laid a hand on me

#

he slaped my ass just because i was mad

#

i was mad because my brother lost something i wanted

#

but i was already ticked off before that

#

then i stood up and my dad was behind me and he decided to slap my ass

#

and i completely cussed him out

#

and he yelled at me and my grandpa was there and took my dads side

#

like wtf

#

when i was done trying to eat dinner i ran out my front door

#

and immidiately called my bf

#

he texted his dad whos in my state but my bf is in another state cuz of his mom who lives somewhere else

#

ykwim

#

but he said they would talk about it more

#

then i went to a local park and just cried my eyes out

#

i was so scared

#

i have a bad ish childhood and this reminded me of the past

#

i hate it sm

#

and i stg im going to end it

jagged wind Aug 17, 2025, 8:33 PM

#

been crying all day

#

i know its barely 1:30

#

but i feel like shit

#

i feel so scared

#

and so a lone

#

it hurts

#

and i feel empty

#

i cant feel whats happy to me anymore

#

i want to but i cant

#

i just want to be free from my fears

#

from my own head

#

from my own feelings

#

cuz no one cares

#

im just a screw up

jagged wind Aug 19, 2025, 6:06 AM

#

well they all said its not okay

#

not okay that he laid a hand on me

#

soon ill be out of here

#

and safe from their harm

#

so fuck you mom and fuck you dad

#

because i deserve better

#

God knows it

#

and im gonna stick with God if that means when im 18 i get out of this house and live my own life free of any emotional pain, mental pain, or my own physical pain.

#

but at least i get to see my bf in 2 days

#

he comes back tomorrow

#

and i made him gifts

#

cuz thats one thing i do when im sad

#

or i eat cheez its cuz its my comfort snacky

#

but im really excited that hes back home

#

i miss him a lot

#

but

#

whenever im sad i tend to take showers

#

or i bathe

#

idk why

#

or i make gifts to try and present myself as a better person

#

i have made my bf so many gifts and letters

#

just because hes coming back

#

and i spent maybe 70$ on gifts for him

#

(no regrets)

#

im a super duper duper sensitive person

#

if you say something off to me, i stay on what sentence or word you said until i break it down and take it to heart

#

and it makes me go in this state for days

#

weeks even

#

then if theres yelling

#

i immediately cry

#

im super sensitive to yelling

#

but i do perfectly fine in concerts

#

its weird

#

but, God loves me for who i am and i only change what he says to change

#

im slowly getting a friend

#

her name is allison

#

shes my age

#

and

#

we get along really well

#

but we gonna lock in at the gym

#

cuz im getting muscle and she wants to be doing that so

#

why not

#

but idk

#

night chat

jagged wind Aug 19, 2025, 3:56 PM

#

okay so my bf missed his flight but he has a reason

jagged wind Aug 20, 2025, 1:39 AM

#

we got a new flight and is coming home yayy

#

he*

jagged wind Aug 21, 2025, 5:07 AM

#

i saw my bf today!

#

and it was so amazing

#

i felt not emppty

#

and i was happy

jagged wind Aug 26, 2025, 7:12 PM

#

im going to the beach tomorrow

#

but

#

i feel a lil sad

#

and i feel bored with myself

#

like

#

i feel

#

i cant explain

#

its like my mind doesnt know what to think abou

#

t

jagged wind Aug 27, 2025, 6:08 AM

#

i tried taking a lot of pills ( anti depressants) to make myself feel better and i had a huge panic attack

#

i also threw up

#

like 2 times

#

and cried a lot

#

but

#

oh well

jagged wind Aug 28, 2025, 5:36 AM

#

i had 3 pieces of pizza todayy and a latte i made and cheese sticks

jagged wind Sep 3, 2025, 2:46 AM

#

im back home

#

and

#

it was just a small struggle to walk

#

but nothing i cant handle

#

i feel a little better but i feel like im dying

jagged wind Sep 6, 2025, 1:31 AM

#

i go to the fair tomorrow with my bf!

#

we are coming up on 7 months!

#

im happy about that

#

but

#

ive been overthinking alot recently

#

about

#

what if he cheats since im homeschooled and hes public schooled

#

and that scares me really bad

#

and i couldnt ever want to live my life anymore if a part of me did that to it'self

#

i dont know if i could ever love again

#

because i deathly love this man

#

i would do anything for him

#

to be with him

#

to live with him

#

to watch over him

#

to give him anything he wants

#

and to love on him forever

#

but im so scared of him doing that

#

or something like that

#

or what if my emotions push away because im too much to handle

#

"im too much"

#

and yes i do fucking love bomb and idgaf

#

i dont get treated like a princess, i treat everyone like they're king and queen

#

like my bf

#

i have only 2 friends

#

allison and my bf

#

my bf is my best friend

#

i couldnt imagine a world without him

#

and i couldnt ever want to live without such a person

#

no reason to live if theres no love i was told

#

but i have that love

#

and i will never let it go

#

and if he may slip away, i died that day

jagged wind Sep 10, 2025, 2:40 PM

#

I'm getting so paranoid

#

Is cause uhm, me and my bf...YK

#

we uh

#

Ahem

#

Yk

#

An IM GETTING SO PARINOID

#

I'm scared and I'm literally 16 this can't happen

#

Like omg

#

I'm NOT with child I FUCKING SWEAR

#

If I am I might have to kms

#

oh my gosh

#

Dammit bro

#

I don't even know what to say

#

I fucjed up,

#

And there has to be no way I'm with child or I'm fucking jumping off a clif

#

There's absolutely no way that I'm gonna be with child in thos moment

#

This

#

Omg

#

Fuck

#

I've been praying so hard because I don't want a child right now and they would take my bf away from me

#

Oh my gosh

#

I'm going insane

jagged wind Sep 11, 2025, 6:55 AM

#

Okay

#

I'm not with child

#

But I felt really fucking sick today

#

It was horrible

#

And I had so much caffeine

#xezzi.p's Journal