💔💔
#Logan's Journal
twin lake
buoyant pier
twin lake
I WANNA TREAT
twin lake
I'm collecting the gay people if this server like infinity stones
I'm friends with them all
twin lake
Its so easy to cry and see yourself in a position of crisis that involves a relationship
Seeing people who love each other cry because one isn't gonna make it
Seeing someone get the news that the love of their life died in surgery before you even got there
Never getting to goodbye to the one you love because of an accident
Its so easy to imagine yourself in those positions
And it genuinely makes me feel like crying every time
There was this guy who had drove to the hospital because his fiancé was in emergency surgery from a car accident
He gets there
Only to find out that they died in surgery
No final words
No final talk
No more I love yous.
Just gone
Nothing he could've done
Woke up like a normal day. Kissed them goodbye on his way to work
Said he loves them
Never knowing that was the last day he'd ever talk to them
See them
Feel them
The feeling that he couldn't do anything
Sometimes knowing you couldn't do anything is worse than failing to protect them
At least if you failed
You know you tried
But something you can't ever see coming
That you couldn't stop
That's what'll wind up happening to me
twin lake
I hate knowing that there's probably gonna be a day where me and him go to the hospital and find out I have cancer.
What happens then
What happens if we don't catch it in time
Give me less than a year to live
How do I confront him with that
How do I find peace knowing he knows he'll be without me
The day we find out I have cancer
It'll come
I'm high risk
Multiple different kinds
How do I have that conversation with him
He knows I'm high risk
But knowing it'll probably happen and it actually happening are very different things
What do I say to him
What could I say
I wanna grow old with him
Travel
Kiss under the night sky
Feel like my life is full
But how do I feel fulfilled in my life when it could be cut short
Idk
Maybe I'm just destined to be unhappy
I'm scared to meet his parents
I'm scared for him to meet mine
I'm scared to spend my life with him
To commit everything of my soul
Just scared
Because what if we do all of this
Meet each other's parents
Plan our lives
Marry
Get a home
Have a life
Everything
All of that
What if we have all of that
Just for it to be ripped away because I get cancer
Am I selfish
For wanting a life with him
When I know I could bring him all this pain
Am I selfish for loving him when I could be ripped away from him
Am I selfish for making him love me
What if I give him something to believe in
Only to for it to be taken away
What if I give him all this hope just for it to be fake
buoyant pier
Not selfish. Selfless.
Some would just keep to themselves if they potentially had cancer, to keep their relatives from being hurt in person.
Your love. Your care. Your commitment.
Its not fake or greedy Logan. My best fren, its real.
Even tho being diagnosed, is true, its a possibility, cancer is still a very rare and difficult thing to get. Even with your current issues
He loves you, amd even if you do get it. That doesnt make you any less loveable, or cherishable, or important, or precious
You will live a wonderful, sweet life with him my fren im well aware nothing, not even another diagnosis could ever make you stop from building that dream
buoyant pier
hope ur oki fren, no pressure to reply
twin lake
<:chu_hug:1085839884801036338> <:chu_hug:1085839884801036338> <:chu_hug:10858398...
I'm better
Me and Jay talked about it. I still didn't feel great that I'm gonna be a source of his later in life. But I'll be ok
twin lake
I have all this dread and fear about causing him pain
From my health
But
It feels good to know that no matter what happens to me he'll be there
I've heard so many stories of people who go into major surgery or have bad health problems and their partner leaves because they can't handle it. One girl even left her fiancee while he was in surgery
So he found out after he woke up
I'm honestly glad that it won't happen to me
That I'll have someone next to my bed when I get the news
Even if it's bad news
buoyant pier
Youre not causing him pain fren, its love. And just worrying about this shows how much you card, and thats such a loveable thing/p
if anything he feels grateful, and supportive. He loves you, more than anything and that stands strong
buoyant pier
twin lake
Thank you for being here Johnny
buoyant pier
Im always here
buoyant pier
Im okay, things are steadying out
But i am sick
twin lake
I'm glad to hear you're ok and things a bit better. I'm here if you ever need anything and I really hope you get better soon
buoyant pier
I'm glad to hear you're ok and things a bit better. I'm here if you ever need an...
Thankiez my fren
i hope things ease up for u too<3/p
twin lake
<33/p
twin lake
https://tenor.com/view/boykisser-cute-catboy-cat-boom-gif-10402720155448105377
Btw your ralsei drawing is amazing
twin lake
I've been through hell and back
I grasp for air until I drown
Come put me back on track I need somebody that can help
My heart became a bullet and my soul became the shell
Keep me away
Keep me alive
Just use me
Your fallen tears they crystalize
A tale untold
Will you lay with me when my blood runs cold
Hear the voice call my name
They whisper loud but sound the same
Lost my faith, I've been running on trust
Empires fall then we turn into dust
I've been fighting, I've been fighting but I just can't do enough so
I've been on the same shit every fucking day
Take care of my people, try to mask up all the pain
Sick of getting glorified, so sick of your charades
Everybody hates to love me cause I run straight to the flames
Yeah, maybe I'm selfish
Fuck falling in line, been ahead of my time
Bitch I can't help it
Look in my eyes and tell me a lie
Cause I feel helpless
Who do I call when I bleed
You don't feel safe when I leave
Yeah, I feel so at home
When I numb my mind and lose control
Hell's the only place I've ever known
So, keep rolling the dice, I'm on a roll
Ive been running on the dark side of the moon
Looking for a light and I know that I'll find it soon
You never know you're not enough
You never know you're not enough
And then the pain just fades away and everythings ok
All I want is
Someone to hold it down
When I have reached the end
All I need is
A high that won't come down
When I have reached the end
I've been lost and alone for far too long
Bet you never thought you'd see me this far gone
I've been waiting for this moment for so long
Please save those tears, I couldn't cry
Those flames burn cold and I know why
You couldn't even say goodbye
Take back every moment
I've been waiting to sleep for so long
I'm finally holding on to what I wanted then
But the flame keeps burning and I'm still hurting don't break my heart again
Take back every moment
I've been waiting to sleep for so long
I'm finally holding on to what I wanted then
But the flame keeps burning and I'm still hurting don't break my heart again
Cross my heart i lost my soul
I let my demons in and they took control
I'd burn a thousand lives if it would only make me feel whole
You think it's easy
You don't know the half if the half could speak at all
A fool should've known
That I'm a tool for your cause
Running from the sins of home
Casted shades over love
You'd bask in haye now I'm gone
A life taken from your eyes
Blood pouring in the leave
Take me to the outside I'm begging on my knees
Kept me on the edge of leaping off
Now we fall as one
Its it gravity that brought me here
Or depravity fueled by my fears
What could I hold on to
My tether held on by a thread
Who could I call back to
Communication is dead
So give me one more reason
Cus I'm feeling more distant than ever before
One more reason
To believe there is something worth fighting for
Debris from what was once a home is fading right in front of me
My feet can't take me back alone
Mayday, mayday can somebody help me please
What was once a home
Has been exposed
My reality is all I have and I can't seem to let it go
What should I hold on to
A tether for me to pretend
No one to go back to
I think that this might be the end
So give me one more reason
Cus I'm feeling more distant than ever before
One more reason
To believe there is something worth fighting for
Debris from what was once a home is fading right in front of me
My feet can't take me back alone
Mayday, mayday can somebody help me please
Please
Please
Can somebody help me please
Please
Can somebody help me
Please
Can somebody help me please
Is it gravity that brought me here
Or depravity fueled by my fear
Can somebody help me
twin lake
I hope when I get married I don't become absent
I hope I don't lose sight of my special person
I hope I don't lose sight of him
I hope I don't become indifferent
I'm scared of losing sight of the love of my life
twin lake
Thoughts
twin lake
FUCK LIFE
FUCK LIFE
FUCK LIFE
FUCK LIFE
FUCK LIFE
FUCK LIFE
FUCK LIFE
FUCK LIFE
FUCK THIS STUPID BULLSHIT
FUCK MY LIFE
GOD FUCKING DWMNIT
THIS STUPID FUCKING LIFE
WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN EXIST
IF ALL THATS GONNA HAPPEN IS MAKE EVERYTHING THATS ENJOYABLE UNACCESSIBLE
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING
GETS RUINED
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS
WHAT DID I DO
Im so done
I'm never gonna get to enjoy life
I wanna cut
I wanna cut myself until there's nothing left but fucking scars
I wanna destroy everything
Everything on me
My life is gonna be ruined
Now all I have to do is wait
Wait and see if my life is fucked
Life could be fucked at 17
Shits such a fucking joke
Its such a joke
And that's all my life is
My life is a fucking joke
All my life is, is a fucking joke
Cancer
Cool
Heart problems
Cool
Asthma and mental health problems
Cool
And now potentially fucking herpes
I just wanna kms
buoyant pier
i don’t know what to do..
im really sorry its like this way for you fren, but hey. Listen, the shit part of life isn’t life itself. A hell of a lot of shit is going on and it seems impossible, like you were destined to suffer. But you were not.
This battle is not over, not just your battle but ours im sorry i should’ve got to you sooner, im at work rn
Please don’t attempt, you’re not a burden, not made to be in pain like this. And i damn we’ll know theres multiple chances for this to change thats not a sudden end.
Cutting won’t make it easier, i know you know that. And it’s ok to feel this way, no shame or blame🧡/p
anything but this, please fren, Logan
Your life is not a joke. Not even a single thing about it is. I understand how fucking hard it is, but i know i dont actually know, you’re hurting alot, and it seems to get worse…but it wont. It will not.
Im not letting go of you fren, no one is
twin lake
I just don't know what to do
There's people who cheat on their partner with tons of people and they never get something.
I stay loyal and never even look at another guy and I wind up with something
66% of people have it
Its just wether or not it actives
Ofc I have to be who it actives on
I might have a transmittable disease and I've never even been with anyone.
buoyant pier
i dont know alot about herpes, but i know it wasn’t just given to you, it could be genetics, or just randomly happened but just remember it doesn’t define you, or your capabilities<3/p
at least there are treatments to help it, im aware there isn’t a cure
youre still human, his favorite human, and a good soul
I love u fren/p
twin lake
It is genetic somewhat. My mom and grandma both have it so I probably got it passed down that way. Idek if I have it yet
Could just be a bad split lip
But if it is herpes
Its just fucked how that part of my life could be over when it hasn't even started
I'm 17 man
I'm not even an adult yet
I've barely lived my fucking life
buoyant pier
Then that’s the most likely way if you haven’t had contact with anyone. Genetics
I have a feeling it isn’t herpes, it sounds like im just trying to make you feel better, yes, but im seriousherpes isnt deadly, itll need treatment. Its rare to pass from it.
And i know you’re still young, very young, but that doesn’t mean it has to end if you are positive for it.
Already, right now in this moment youve survived more than most. And im proud of you for being so strong. Even if youre just 17
Youre life will come together one way or another <3/p
From the deepest depths of my heart, i promise you. Even if itll take time and or money
Fuck i gtg back
Stay safe for me okay?
I’ll get back to you when im home, might take an hour or so.
Promise me youll be safe
soft warm gentle huggies
buoyant pier
I just got my manager to clock me out early
Good <3/p
ill get to u when im home
hugs you gently
twin lake
buoyant pier
buoyant pier
Im back
Always, and whenever. My dms are open, even if i dont immediately respond ill get to it when i can<3/p
Whatever you need to spill out or let go of, ill hold it with you
Im herealways
this fights no where near over
big warm hugs
I love ya fren/p
buoyant pier
twin lake
I love you man /p
buoyant pier
I dont know what id do either, im always here for you, always with you unconditionally. always<3/p
i love u too fren/p
you’re so important, and have so much value you matter so much, and i care so much about you
twin lake
You are one of the big reasons I continue pushing
buoyant pier
twin lake
buoyant pier
and ill keep pushing with you, im here always for you and with you no matter what ill be your boat whenever you feel like your sinking too low, you as a human being, matters so much, youre invaluable <33/p
hugs you tight
Im always here never leaving you ever never ever
My bestest fren
no matter what, doesn’t matter how difficult it is or how breaking it may be.
Im right here by your side, always
twin lake
I might not have it
buoyant pier
I might not have it
Im relieved
Still dont lose hope, even if it slips away for a moment
Im wishing you well, that you turn negative for it
huggy
twin lake
LETS GOOOO BROOO
Sorry for taking so long to respond
Thank you man 
buoyant pier
I'm in the clear for now
I knew it wasnt herpes, thank goodness <3/p im so relieved, and happy sorry for taking so long to reply
I wish you only the best fren
always
twin lake
My family won't have any food stamps next month
As if our money wasn't tight enough as it is
Idk what we're gonna do tbh
People already talk insane shit about us using our food stamps to occasionally get a treat like some cookies or or some chips. Like bro can I not get something special every once and a while
Now we won't just lose our on anything special or sweet
Idk how we're gonna afford dinner
My mom needs surgery
And we may not even be able to afford dinner
Its just hopeless
buoyant pier
Bwaa im sorry you have to go through this fren:<
id send you money if I could, really you never deserve to have this kind of pressure weigh on you. Not a bit.
And i know it seems hopeless, but hope isnt gone, and i ain’t resting until things are better, even if just a little have you tried food pantries or mutual aid groups? Community centers even?
I think theres a helpline or service line for foods and local resiurces i think
buoyant pier
Bwaa im sorry you have to go through this fren:<
id send you money if I could, r...
Churches even
buoyant pier
I think theres a helpline or service line for foods and local resiurces i think
ODJFS its called
Bwa but hey no pressure
Youre safe right now and it is going to be okay, we can figure this out together
twin lake
Its so fucked up how Aug-Dec are my favorite months yet everything bad happens during those months
I have one decent day
Boom everything goes to shit
Existential dread
No food stamps
Herpes scare
Relationship issues
Even today can't go without being shit
I'm supposed to go see Sinners today and I might not even be able to
twin lake
Things have gotten a little better
teal cloak
Things have gotten a little better
im super duper happy for you mans!!!
buoyant pier
Things have gotten a little better
Im so glad its getting better, even a little
And it will get even better
I know it will, even through impossible hardships
twin lake
Khalid is an icon
twin lake
I love crying myself to sleep
Laying in bed in a pitch black room crying and no one will fucking know
My eyes hurt
buoyant pier
I know now, and it’s okay to cry by yourself alone
Even in the dark, even if your eyes hurt, i don’t exactly what you’re carrying right now and u don’t have to tell me if u don’t feel comfortable saying, but i just wanna remind u im here.
Ill sit next to u and listen, a steady presence, even if ur crying to sleep i wish i could lift all this pain away
twin lake
Bitch I'm tryna get rowdy
I'm tryna get fucked up
I'm trying get bout it /lyr
buoyant pier
Sorry for not responding fren, thats so so good to hear
Im happies u can still marry, you deserve him and he deserves you
twin lake
Sorry for not responding fren, thats so so good to hear
Im happies u can still m...
Its ok Johnny. I'm just glad you're alright and still here
buoyant pier
Its ok Johnny. I'm just glad you're alright and still here
Are things oki fren?
buoyant pier
Awwwwwwhh im sorry logan
buoyant pier
me and ur boyfriend are always here alright always here, even in financial struggle
big warm tight huggies
we got this fren, i know its slow and grueling but itll smooth out
twin lake
There is no love without sin
For sin is what we must forgive to be move on
twin lake
twin lake
I feel like such a horrible boyfriend
I get so jealous
Constantly
I feel like everyone is trying to take him from me
I feel like after every argument he'll do something behind my back
Even though he's never done anything to show that'll happen
Its been three years and he's done nothing but make me happy and go out of his way to accommodate me
He's the best boyfriend I could ever ask for and he's perfect to me
Why do I feel like this then
Am I broken
Am I so fucked that I can't trust my own boyfriend to stay loyal even though part of me knows he'll always be loyal
Am I a bad boyfriend
A good boyfriend shouldn't need constant reassurance
A good boyfriend shouldn't be worrying every time he goes to hang out with friends
buoyant pier
From what i know, you are definitely a good boyfriend. Its just facts, and i understand why you think otherwise im on the same page.
Youre not broken,
not fucked because you get anxious and torn between thoughts.
You are not a bad partner.
<3/p
is been 3 years and eventually 4, he makes you happy and goes out of his way for you. Thats not conditional or anything, its because he knows youre good. And he gives because you deserve it, all of it. I know deep down he thinks this same way too
And after every argument? He still gives, and loves you with all his heart because youre pure. And a loveable man/p and sweet, protective, and everything he ever wanted.
Needing constant reassurance is okay, its okay to worry about him when he goes out, its normal and human and none of that makes you any less human <3/p
twin lake
Long month
Thank God it's almost over
twin lake
I'm such a horrible boyfriend
Such a bad boyfriend
All I want is to be a good boyfriend and be a good partner
And I can't even do that
buoyant pier
twin lake
I can't do anything right
Or get anything right
I'm a bad boyfriend
I fucking horrible one
And not only am I a horrible boyfriend
I can't even take my mind off anything
I don't have fucking friends to do things with
Everyone's busy
Struggling
Doesn't have time
Or doing something else
And I'm just here
Alone
Constantly reminding myself how fucking horrible I am
I just wanna cry
Cry more I guess
I cried for hours last night
To the point where my doctor today asked if something was wrong with my eyes
And now I wanna cry more
The one single bit of good news I've had at all today is that I've lost another 10 pounds
Which cool I guess.
Idk
Everything fucking sucks and I wanna cry
I just
Fuck
buoyant pier
Logan my fren, i hear you, really i don’t really know what so say rn…my brains kinda frozen
But what i will say clearly. Is that im sorry youre hurting this much fren, you dont deserve to be alone, or to hold any of this pain youre not a failure Logan, nothing like that <3
You’re someone who’s exhausted, carrying all this at once, and overwhelmed
And just listen fren, you dont have to say anything if you dont feel like it or cant.
You dont have to be perfect, you dont have to say everything right, and you dont have to hold everything alone okay?
im here, im not leaving, not avoiding just breathe with me, remember 4 seconds in, hold for 3, and out for 4? Do that with me big warm huggs
Youre not a bad boyfriend either
Not a bad person
And in any argument, i can prove that solid
Youre hurting, and that doesnt make you bad<3/p
and again u dont have to reply to me, just a reaction works
But, are you safe right now frenn?
-# sorry if the big blocks of text are overwhelming to read
-# i jus really hopes ur oki<3/p even when im away
just one more thing to add..
if you want to cry, then cry best fren
Im right here, in this moment
Cry all you need too, my shoulders are for you and its safe, itll be okay even if all directions point to nowhere. I just know it will
twin lake
and again u dont have to reply to me, just a reaction works<:chu_hug:10858398848...
I'm safe
Promise
buoyant pier
I'm safe
Promise
good fren
im really really glad youre safe
if things start to get too heavy fren
its only if u want to, but my arms are always open for u, u can tell me anything. Ill always listen im here for u, please try to stay safe
Again no pressure to reply<3/p
twin lake
My whole relationship is a lie
I'm a little mad at him
But I'm more just
Depends
Depressed
And I feel betrayed
twin lake
My life is over
twin lake
Its not over
twin lake
Things are better
I feel like I'm updating a news blog or something lmfao
But things are better
We've found ways to compromise and understand
We've forgiven
We still love each other
We'll move forward
That's what you do when you love someone
You forgive
You move on
And you work things out
twin lake
I'm always stressed but things will be fine
twin lake
Its honestly insane how my brain works
Relationship issues fuck me up
Half of me is sure things will be ok
The other half is screaming at me that he wants to cheat on me
twin lake
My boyfriend bought me games for my birthday and Christmas
Even after all the arguing
And problems
twin lake
amber sundial
how the fuck you be on a call for 9 days
kindred marten
Holy moly
twin lake
Been so tired
twin lake
Poor Man's Poison is a folk band that perfectly expresses the modern age
The exploitation of the poor and mistreatment of them
The fact we're looked at as nothing more than tools and cogs in the machine
And the minute we break we get thrown out and replaced
"Feed the rich and kill the poor, turn out the lights and just ignore what's going on outside"
"hey man, c'mon down, they selling truth on the corner now"
buoyant pier
twin lake
twin lake
Gof I'm such an emotional person
So incredibly emotional
That emotion isn't bad
Its not
But God it makes me realize things I wouldn't otherwise
How much I value time with someone
Especially people I'm close with
And especially my boyfriend
How everything can be taken away in an instant and people don't appreciate the time they have until they dont have it anymore
At any point and time me or my boyfriend could be hit by a car
Shot in the street
Robbed and killed
Die on a surgical table
Anything
Its life
Its scary
But it makes me appreciate everything with him
Each and every time he laughs I think how adorable he is
Everytime he comforts me, I remember how much I love him and appreciate him
I can't live my life without him
Honestly I can't. And even thinking about going to bed at night alone makes me wanna cry my eyes out
I just can't be without him
twin lake
My boyfriend bought me ARC raiders
twin lake
NEW PHONE
YIPPEE
twin lake
This Christmas just sucks
The fact that the worst day I've had this whole month is Christmas fucking Day
twin lake
Because of political differences my Mamaw Karen is making it so difficult to get together to exchange Christmas gifts because she and my mom don't agree even though my mom is trying to set it up
twin lake
I think I'm gonna start celebrating Dia De Los Muertos
Connect to the ones I've lost and love
twin lake
I love my Mamaw and Papaw to death
But God my Papaw is such a pain sometimes
I love him but his opinions are so fucked
twin lake
Yay I'm getting sick
buoyant pier
twin lake
twin lake
What the actual fuck is wrong with me
twin lake
Gonna be five years clean fairly soon
kindred marten
Nice good job
twin lake
Bro why does everything in life come at you at a million miles an hour the second you hit 18
twin lake
I love being put into positions that I lose either way every fucking day
And the only good fucking option is losing time with my boyfriend
And I still wind up miserable
Shit doesn't even matter anymore
Might as well just sleep my life away
buoyant pier
twin lake
I made a donation to the Gabby Petito foundation today. I hope whatever small amount I was able to contribute is enough
I also plan on making another donation to the Trevor Project
twin lake
Seeing the new doctor on Tuesday
And my mom wants me to not specify my sexuality when asked
Because I turned eighteen I can be drafted until I turn 26
And she doesn't want it following me
I just don't wanna hide it
It's the only thing that brings me comfort
In today's world being out and myself is all that brings me comfort
twin lake
It feels like everyday is worse than the last
twin lake
For the first time in years
I wish I wasn't gay
twin lake
My antidepressants dose got upped
twin lake
Going to protests
Everyday I go to a protest and everyday I become more and more scared of what could happen to me
But I need to help and be a part of the right side
twin lake
I love how I've done nothing but express how shit I feel today and not a single soul gave a fuck
twin lake
I've already had multiple panic attacks today
I'm terrified for my own life
They fucking shot him
What if I'm next?
What the fuck happens
What do I do
How do think everything will be ok
I just fucking can't
I'm terrified to leave my house
I'm terrified to go anywhere
Idk what to do anymore
It's hard to breathe
It's hard to think
I feel so stressed
I need to be involved and do my part to protest and be out there
But I don't wanna die because I have a fucking pride chain and bracelet
I'm so fucking scared
Of everything
I feel alone
And completely fucking closed off
I'm supposed to be the strong one who protects people
But I can't even fucking do that
I feel useless
Alone
Helpless
Terrified
Just fucking everything
And to top it all off I feel like no one fucking cares
All I've felt today is that no one cares
Ive been honest about my fear and my anxiety and my panic attacks and how fucking bad this is all effecting me
I'm open about everything
But not a single person I've said it to has even cared
The fact I don't feel like a single person cares fucking hurts
I wanna cut again
I wanna rip my arms up and down
I'm just s FUCKING DJNE
I'm bawling my eyes out
It hurts to keep crying but I can't stop
I keep thinking about relapsing
There's scissors right next to me
And I just wanna rip my eyes apart
And my arms
And my legsn
And I can't stop fucking crying
It hurts so fucking bad
It's hard to breathe
I know if I keep crying I'm gonna start coughing and then I'm gonna have an asthma attack
But I can't fucking stop
I just can't
My eyes burn
My throat hurts
My chest is so tight
My mind is racing and j can't think I'm
I wanna relapse
It's all I can think about
And I don't wanna say anything to my boyfriend because I just can't put anything on him
All j wanna do is cut till I bleed out
I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown
All I can do is cry and think about relapsing
I'm gonna relapse
sullen swift
Hey Logan. I'm worried about you mate. I want to tell you that I care about you a lot and I’m here for you. we can talk about all this if you want. you have a lot on your shoulders and you shouldn't have to go through this alone.
twin lake
I feel better
twin lake
Hey Logan. I'm worried about you mate. I want to tell you that I care about you ...
Thank you parrot
I feel better now
And I'm still clean
Thank you Jup
sullen swift
That's so good to hear
sullen swift
You guys helped so much
it's what friends are for mate <3/p
potent badge
I can say somewhat confidently I'll be safe tonight
Love to hear it man stay strong
sullen swift
I can say somewhat confidently I'll be safe tonight
that's great to hear. stay strong man and if you ever feel like this again I'm always here
twin lake
I've had one of the most miserable days I've had in a while
2 and a half feet of snow
And it's still snowing
twin lake
All he can think about whenever I want the day is spending time with his friends instead of me
Idefk why I try to call
This is easily one of the worst few days I've had in years and it doesn't fucking matter
Idek why I'm fucking complaining about this
He's having a good time
God I feel like such a fucking bitch
And so shit
I spent 6 hours in 2 and half feet tall snow
I need to wake up early
I told him that
But I can't sleep without him
So what the fuck am I supposed to fucking do
I feel like such a whiny bitch
And I'm too scared to complain about it
Because I don't wanna fucking complain
I don't wanna make him feel bad and trigger a whole fucking thing where he feels like he's being a bad boyfriend
Because we're the exact same like that
Like what's the fucking point man
I have a complete mental breakdown yesterday
I'm miserable all fucking day today
And I'm gonna be miserable all day tomorrow and I have to go out in public which scares the fuck out of me
I hear his voice and I just wanna sleep together
And hang out like we used to
But I also want him to hang out with his friends and I don't wanna be bitchy
I feel so fucking miserable
All the time
Tired and feeling neglected because I'm sensitive
And I'm too fucking sensitive
The smallest fucking thing
I'm such a baby
I'm such a fucking baby man
I wanna cry and it's so fucking pathetic
twin lake
I hope I don't wind up like so many different people do
Married and happy, but only for a small time. After time passes, who knows how long, 1 year, 2, 5, 10, 20. It doesn't matter how long but I just don't wanna be so far along with the person I feel like I'll spend my whole life with just for him to lose interest in me or fall in love with someone else
Or at least I want him to be honest with it
I'm not saying he is right now. God no the furthest from it.
It's obvious he loves me
Even if I'm sensitive
But I'm so scared that he'll be human.
I can never be mad if it did happen. Especially if he's honest about it
If he came home one day and said "I don't feel what I felt with you all that time ago and I'm starting to feel that with someone else", at least then I could understand
It's human
I hate that it is
But it's true
It's a real possibility
Even though I just want to be love
I'd never be able to stay mad at him or even be mad in the first place.
Even if he doesn't feel the love after God knows how long I always will
But I can't sit here and ask him to deny his emotions
If I'm in love, I'm in all the way. Always will be
But that's not how some people are wired.
It's human.
I see so many stories of people who live together and love together for the rest of their lives
But I see just as many stories where people spend ages together and full of love, then one day the feeling is gone
And they start feeling that same feeling for someone different
I just don't wanna end up like that
I don't wanna be alone
I'm so fucking in love with this guy
It'll be 4 years together
This year in August it will be
I wanna put a zero behind that four
I want to so badly
I hope I get to
There's very few things I want in life more than that.
And again
I know he loves me
I'm not saying he doesn't
He cares for me almost as much as I care for him
I just hope it stays that way
twin lake
Honestly getting back into Fall Out Boy
twin lake
He said that I'm enough. That I'm more than enough
So why am I still trying to convince myself that I am
Why don't I believe it
twin lake
I miss my boyfriend
I haven't talked to him all day
And I haven't even seen him or texted
Did I do something wrong?
We had a long talk last night about us
And I'm getting scared I'm fucking things up
I can't talk about the things we talked about specifically here.
But the easy way to put it, is that I'm not his preference in a way and it's fucking with me. We've both known that since the first time he saw me. It's not even like he doesn't like me that way. He still loves me that way and it realistically shouldn't change anything.
But I'm sitting here depressed because I can't be everything he wants
I feel like a disappointment
Like when we get together for the first time I'll be such a huge disappointment
And it fucking sucks because after all of that
After venting and him reassuring me that I won't be a disappointment
He told me over and over again that I'm enough
That he loves me
That no one is like me
He's always told me I'll be enough
That I won't be a disappointment
That I will make him happy and make him feel loved and that he'll still enjoy it
Yet I still feel like this
I still feel like such a fucking disappointment because I'm big and I'm chubby and I can't get into shape and I hate it
I wanna be his perfect vision
I wanna be what he'd always want
But I just fucking can't
And I'm about to fucking cry because of this
Again
twin lake
I haven't heard from him all day and I'm scared
He's probably just asleep but I'm overthinking again
twin lake
I can't tell if I feel suicidal or not
twin lake
I was getting better
Now idk
At night I feel this overwhelming urge to either cut or to attempt
When I'm with my boyfriend I don't feel like that
When I'm with my friends I don't feel like that
When I'm able to sleep with my boyfriend on call I don't feel like that
But when I'm alone
Or at night and the call ends before I sleep
I wanna cut myself up so bad my Arms would be covered in scars and blood
Deep cuts
Like your trying to cut through steak
And then other times I wanna take that same knife and slit my own wrists
I think
"Just go down a few inches and you could end it"
kindred marten
Please don't, Logan. Think about how your bf would feel if you did that.
twin lake
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm not enough
I'm
Not
Enough
I'm just fucking not
I'm ugly and fat and disgusting
I'm gross
I'm so fucking day
Fat
I should just stop fucking eating
I should starve myself
I should sit here and not eat
I'm so fucking fat
I'm never gonna be enough
Fucking ever
I'm never gonna be good ent
I'm never gonna feel right
I'm never gonna look at myself and say I look good or feel good about myself
I'm never gonna be able to think straight
I'm never gonna be able to think I'm good ent
I'm never gonna be able to understand what he fucking sees
Even he's said I'm not exactly what he wants
What's the fucking point
What do I even fucking matter anymore
I'm rotting away
Not eating
Not working
Not thinking about anything but how I'm a fuck up
How I'm pointless
And useless
And ugly
And fat
And heavy
And not good enough
I sit here crying
Cus I'm fucking useless
I feel gross every time I breathe
I feel my fat fucking body breathe and I feel disgusting
I feel my stupid fucking stomach growl and I wanna stab myself
I sit up at night wishing I was better looking
Wishing I was good enough
Wishing I was happy
Wishing I could think straight about my own relationship
And he does everything he fucking can to comfort me
But no matter what he says
No matter how many times he's told me that I'm enough
No matter how many times he's said he's happy with me
No matter how many times I wanna fucking believe it
I fucking can't
Even though somewhere inside I believe him
I can't fucking truly think that
And i don't fucking know why
Why am I not enough
Why am I so fucking disgusted by myself
I literally wanna fucking cut myself every time I breathe
I wanna sit here and carve chunks out of my fat disgusting stomach
I wanna just carve it out piece by fucking piece
And sit there in the bloody puddle at the very least dying knowing I'm not fucking fat and disgusting anymore
Even right fucking know I breathe and I feel my fat fuck ass stomach and chest rising and falling and I feel so fucking disgusted
So fucking in g g off
I'm so fucking gross
All I can think
All j can think of
All I can believe
Why am I like this
Why I'm so fucking disgusting and fuck g
I dnt. Even know how to describe it atp
I don't know how to put how I feel into word
I just feel fucking disgusting
So fucking disgusting and ugly
And I can't think of anything else
I just wanna start carving chunks out of myself
I just wanna sit there and cut and cut and cut and cut and cut a cut aand cut ancuf t and cut
I just wanna take a fucking carving knife and rip chunk after chunk out of my stupid fat fucking body
I see stretch marks everywhere
I don't wanna shower so I don't see myself
I don't wanna look at myself
I don't wany my boyfriend to see me
Or look at me
I feel so fucking g disgusting
I just wanna do something that'll kill me
I wanna stop thinking
I wanna stop everything
I want my mind to just fucking stop
I can't enjoy anything anymore
I can't enjoy my life
Because all j think about is how I'm a fucking disappointing fat fucking useless bitch
I'll never be what he truly wants
I'll never be good enough
I'll be attractive
I can't be attractive
Everyone is always like
"Your personality is good though. You care so much"
ITS NOT FUCKING ENOUGH
PEOPLE WANT A BODY THEY CAN LOOK AT
PEOPLE WANT SOMETHING ATTRACTIVE
EVEYKNE DOES
EVERYONE WANTS SOMTHJNG APPEALING
AND GUESS FUCKING WHAT
IM NOT
IM DISGUSTING
IM FAT
IM UGLY
MY FACE LOOKS SO FUCKINGGROS
MY STOMACH LOOKS DISGUSTING
MY LOWER HALF DOESN'T MATCH YHE REST OF MY BODY
AND I MASK IT WITH BAGGY CLOTHES SO I DONT HAVE TO LOOK AT MY DISGUSTING FAT FUCKING BODY
BUT J CANT EVEN HIDE IT ANYMORE BECAUSE IDS ALL I THINK ABOUT
ALL I FEEL IS MY OWN FAT FJCING BODY
I LOST 70 FUCUNG POUNDS FOR WHAT
I STILL LOOK GROSS
I STILL FEEL GROSS
I STILL FEEL FAT
I STILL FEEL LIKE ILL NEVER BE ENOUGH
||I STILL FEEL LIKE A SEXUAL FUCKJNG DISAPPOINTMENT THAT'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH AND I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE HE'LL WANT SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE I JUST CANT BE GOOD ENOUGH||
I DONT FUCKNNG KNOW WHAT TO THJNK
I CANT BRATHE
I CANT THNNK
I CANT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING
I DONT EVEN KNOW WHYA THEHCJC I'M DOING ANYMORE
I DON'T KNOW
I DONT FUCIN G KKOW
I WANNA CRH EVERY FUCKING DAY
I WANNA BAWL MY EYES OUT
I WANNA DUCKJ G CRY AND CARVE MY VODY INTJ PECIES
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YM STUPID DUCKING DISGUSTING BODY D
I LOSE ALL THIS FUCKING WEIGHT
ALL THIS EFFORT
ALL THIS TIME
FOR THREE HEARS IN A ROW
AND I STILL FEEL SO DISGUSTING
I FEEL MY STOMACH EVERY TIME I DO ANYTHING
I SONT WANNA EAT ANYMORE
I CANT
I CANT EAT ANYMORE
EVERY TIME I EAT I FEEL SO DISGUSTING AND I WANNA THROW UP
I MAKE MYSELF THROW BACK UP FOOD
WHAT THE FUCK IS WROGN WITH MY AND MY BODY AND MY BRAIN AND MY FUCKING LIFE
IM SO FUCKN G GROSS
IM SUCB A FAT FUCKING LOSER
THATS ALL I FUCKJNG AME
ALL I AM IS A FAT FUCKING DISGUSTING LOSER
WHATS THE FUCKING POINT
I WANAN CUT
I WANNA CUT
I AANNA CUT AND I WANNA KILL MYSELF
NOTHING WORKS
NOTHING FIXES THIS
IT JUST KEEPS BUILDING AND BUILDING AMD BUILDING
AND BUILDJNG
I JUST WANNA FUCKING SLIT MY OWN THROAT OR MY WRISTS
I'm so fucking fat
I'm so fucking gross
I'm gonna throw up
I wanna throw up
I'm gonna start cutting again
twin lake
I made food cus I was hungry but got too nauseous to eat and wound up throwing It away
I fucking hate myself
twin lake
My boyfriend made me feel better about my body
Idk how long it'll last but it feels good
I love you Jay
twin lake
Without you I would rot and not know what to do with myself
You're my life and soul
And entire heart
I'll give anything to stay with you
twin lake
So tired
twin lake
Living proof that just because you have a partner doesn't mean Valentine's Day is gonna be good
Today fucking sucked
twin lake
The people in Apex Legends are actually rodents 😭
twin lake
They found my uncle David dead in his car
twin lake
Celebration of life for my Uncle David is on Thursday at 5
twin lake
I'm tired of life
I feel the depression creeping back into me
I feel like my relationship is falling apart but I can't tell what's overthinking and what's not
Everyday feels more hopeless
I get these small increments of joy
And then nothingness
People are dying
People lack empathy for others
Governments unchecked
Wars going on
Maybe more in the future
I'm scared to get a job because life already feels hopeless
There'll always be people who see me as less than human because I love another man
I try and be kind to every person I meet and show respect to everyone just to bring some stupid tiny fucking piece of hope to the world
Hope that people can actually care about each other
But it's pointless and I don't know why I try
There'll always be hate
And it's only getting worse
There'll always be greed
There'll always be selfishness
And as each day goes by I feel like I'll never get to experience true happiness
Never get to experience what it's like to wake up next to him in the same bed and see his face
Never get to wake up and smile
Never get to enjoy life
I can't only see one day at a time
I only look at the future
And right now all I see for the future is death and hatred
And now I'm wondering what's the point of anything I do
Why do I try and stay clean
Why do I try and be happy
Why do I try and forget about everything that's actually happening
It all feels like it's for nothing
When I wake up I don't think anything positive
When I wake up I think "God another fucking day"
I just wanna sleep
And wake up to a world where stupid shit doesn't happen
A world with love and care. Respect and peace. Empathy and compassion
A would where I can see my life going forward and think I'll be happy
But all I think about is negativity
Because that's all there is
My body is ugly
The world is full of hate
My relationship can fail at any moment
I'm one wrong word away from losing my friends
I feel inadequate and like a failure and a disappointment
I feel weak
I feel stupid
I feel pointless
And hopeless
What's the point of striving for anything positive when it's all gonna be taken away anyways
Maybe I should just end my relationship and uninstall discord
Disappear
Then end it
At least then I'd be choosing my own fate
At least then I'd finally know for sure what's gonna happen
Maybe I should do that
Honestly I might
It's so fucking funny how I wanna end my relationship and disappear
Not because I wanna hurt anyone or be without him. But because I can't physically see me making it past 20. I'm probably gonna die anyways
Might as well die alone.
The only people who'd even notice are my boyfriend and parents
Everyone else is content with their life
I'm just a background piece in their life
Not important in anyway
potent badge
The only people who'd even notice are my boyfriend and parents
Logan you touch more lives than you realize I hope you know that
I know it’s hard and the world is awful and it feels like everything is falling apart
I didn’t think I’d make it past 16
Then 17
18
Even 19
And here I am, almost 20
It does get better Logan I promise
And time heals all wounds
Your relationship is worth working for
Your life is worth working for
And someday you’ll figure out how to live for you because at the end of the day all you have is yourself
I know it’s hard Logan
But you’ll love yourself one day
You’ll find joy one day
It’s worth waiting for I promise
twin lake
Logan you touch more lives than you realize I hope you know that
I just hope this is true. I wanna add something good to the world. All I wanna do is be a person people think fondly of. I wanna have a positive impact and I wanna be remembered. It just feels so hopeless because of all the hatred in the world.
potent badge
I just hope this is true. I wanna add something good to the world. All I wanna d...
You live on in people’s memories, maybe not always as Logan but as “the boy who held the door for me on a day I felt weak and pushing the door open was going to be difficult” or “the man who smiled at me and asked how I was on a day I felt invisible and wondered if anyone cared”
You do make a positive impact, and I do believe that whatever you put out in the world will eventually come back to you
Even online you touch lives, and your absence would be noticed
twin lake
I feel better tonight
Somehow
Today has been depressing all day
But tonight I feel better
Less anxious
Happier
twin lake
I haven't felt this sick in a fucking minute
Since my room flooded it's humid as fuck and it made my head and stomach hurt like crazy
twin lake
I may have just fucked up my relationship
potent badge
I may have just fucked up my relationship
What’s wrong Logan?
twin lake
Idk
Jay left call suddenly after I was upset all day and when he called back I was still upset cus my Internet cut and he left again and I haven't heard from him since
Ik worried I fucked something up because I don't even remember what I said
potent badge
Logan I’m sure it’s not as big as your brain is blowing it up to be
twin lake
Idk
I genuinely have no idea what I said
It's like a blur. All I remember was being pissed off and genuinely extremely upset
potent badge
Maybe try talking to him?
twin lake
I apologized but idk. He hasn't responded
potent badge
Try not to worry too much Logan
There’s nothing that can’t be overcome with some work and time
twin lake
Boyfriend needs a day or two to himself
Which I understand but it doesn't mean I enjoy it
It always makes me feel like shit when I do something that makes him need a day or two
I feel like such a bad boyfriend
It's normal to need some space every now and then.
It makes sense. Especially after me getting so upset yesterday
This isn't new in our relationship
Every once and a while one of us needs some space
And it's ok and normal
I just hate that I feel like such a horrible boyfriend because of it
twin lake
I haven't eaten all day
Every time I try to eat I throw up
I've thrown up four times
Fuck my life man
sullen swift
I haven't eaten all day
please make sure you stay hydrated logan. and maybe try eating bland food like crackers or toast. that's usually what works when I'm sick 
twin lake
Genuinely what the fuck is wrong with me man. He told me nothing is wrong. He's reassured me multiple times and he promised me but I still feel this horrible deep feeling that something is wrong
twin lake
Honestly I feel like such a shit person
I feel like such a horrible person
Like a boring and shitty person
I feel like people are better off not even interacting with me
Jay goes to talk to friends for like two hours and I start feeling horrible
And that makes me feel worse because I have no reason
potent badge
Jay goes to talk to friends for like two hours and I start feeling horrible
Logan I totally get it
twin lake
Like just fuck man
My brain is so dog shit
I literally want him to have friends because this is the first time he's had consistent friends
It's good for him
But it makes me so fucking jealous and I feel like I'm not interesting to him
Or that he's not interested in me
And idk why I'm like this
twin lake
My brain is fucked lmfao
I saw a video about how people can die from a brain aneurysm and never even know they have one and I almost had a panic attack
Then I did some googling and realized that the odds of that happening are less then 2%
Damn my brain runs with literally anything
twin lake
Welcome back to Random Thoughts With Logan! The series where I talk about random thoughts that don't negatively effect me but are just thoughts I had.
If my boyfriend died I would obviously visit his grave for years. Eventually down the line I'd be ready to date again and here where the thought happened. Would a person I like and wanna date years after Jay's death let me and be ok with me visiting his grave on our anniversary and his birthday? It's just a curious question. If whoever reads this has an opinion on a situation like this let me know. I'm curious
What would you do if your partner had an old partner who died that they still visit to this day. Would you want them to visit the grave would you want them to go back on Old anniversaries and birthdays
marble drift
What would you do if your partner had an old partner who died that they still vi...
If that happened to me I feel like I would let my new partner visit their grave any day they need to but as long as I'm not compared to the partner that passed I would be fine with it
twin lake
If that happened to me I feel like I would let my new partner visit their grave ...
That sounds like a great answer to me
Anyone else is free to comment as well
marble drift
That sounds like a great answer to me
Anyone else is free to comment as well
I have random thoughts all the time but mine are more of what would've happened if I was never here
twin lake
I have random thoughts all the time but mine are more of what would've happened ...
I have a bit of both. My head spews out random thoughts hourly at the slowest. Might start just writing them down here
marble drift
I have a bit of both. My head spews out random thoughts hourly at the slowest. M...
Yeah that sounds like a good idea just me who thinks about what happens when we die like I don't know what will be there that's another thing I think about a bit
twin lake
Yeah that sounds like a good idea just me who thinks about what happens when we ...
I wonder a lot about what's after death. Especially as someone who has no real fear of death. Some things sadly aren't easy to answer
marble drift
Yeah, I have a fear of it but if I could see people that died again that would help but I don't know
potent badge
I wonder a lot about what's after death. Especially as someone who has no real f...
I don’t really have a fear of death either ngl
I do have like an ideal “i hope this is what happens after death, it would be really nice” but who can know for certain right
I love to talk about philosophies and ideas like that if anyone wants to hear
stiff magnet
What would you do if your partner had an old partner who died that they still vi...
omg thats a very hard question, i actually dont know how to answer
stiff magnet
I don’t really have a fear of death either ngl
i think at some point in my life i was like this. It used to feel great, very free. Like I was just not thinking about it. I would say the last year or two for some reason my brain thinks different about this. Maybe it's because i had some accidents that made me be in so much physical pain and actually afraid for my life, that now I'm actually scared of randomly dying about something. It actually sucks. ew now that im thinking about this seriosly there are some more reasons i guess for why i feel like this, but it seems too long to write.