#Johnnies mindscape wooooowww
1 messages Ā· Page 10 of 1
Shit makes me paranoid
Still got his whole life, but that record will stay with him for 10~ years
And TO BE HONEST FOR EVERYONE
i guarantee you he didnt realize if you delete something on a PC, it isnt gone
Cant recycle anything. the data is just ready for reformatting, the data still exists
Gladly
Sometimes i can be a cynical dick and i saw through his bullshit fairly quick
Relieving to know hes gone
sorry if this topic is too sensitive
anxious
none of the 3 artists I commissioned have gotten back to me in a week
ones dealing with mental shit i cant handle
One cant draw cus their family is restricting all internet access
One is just not responding
i worked hard for that money bro
(Totally didnt)
Man what is mainchat even about anymoreš
shits just in the 3rd grade
I wish I could tell youš
actually saddening
Man
Its just like nobody ever appreciates my art anymore
except for logan and suba
No one really bothers
im trying to grow my twitter account but the only attention i get are from my small art community
And its still barely active
Maybe im just not good enough
Or maybe im just not doing it right
I want to start commissions
but my lifes too complicated and troublesome to handle that
I hate ut
I hate it so much
Just nobody gives even the smallest shit about my art
All the time and mindstrain i put into it
And people just scroll past it
Its unbelievably discouraging
what do i even draw for again?
I dont know
I dont have a motive
Ive never done a commission
Every art ive done was either for myself or my bf or just completely FREE$
i feel im just a toy
A plaything, a machine for producing art
people keep saying ādraw my ocā
And i do
And itās just crazy
Learn to fucking draw or pay up
Because im not yours to use
I wish i just wasnāt small
im scared to make attention because literally every else is better than me
tee is better me
suba even
Everyone in teeās servers better than me
Im just a guy i guess
:(
You're so talented Johnny
I hope you blow up. I hope you get massive on Twitter

thank u fren
big soft huggies
Gonna go eat out
Wish i could call my bf there but since its winter season he sets his clock backwards one hour
blahh
Hellyeah
Bf requires 82.3 photos of me in my yoga pants before he wakes up

Begin the operation
get working soldier
Ok
Yo
chainsaw man movie was fucking peak
11/10
But that bomb bitch really had to do denji like that twice
No bomb ass her ass is flat!
Leveled out by a claymorešš
and im like...bro has a dog toy for himself at his computer desk nty
THANK YOU
Legit have a dog toy on my deskšš
But MINE
no one gets to see
Johnnies mindscape wooooowww
:(
:(((
Fucking god man
Bf got fired in a bad way
And now his moms being all pissy at him
Rrrruf
Woof
Woof
Wood
Wuuuuffdf
Wuff
arf
Arrrf arf arf rrruf
barkbark
So incredibly based
Haunted ship in Duluth
Very fun
Apparently it was tallied that 118 people left the event because of how scary it was, and 25 people pissed themselves
ooh iāve heard abt that
https://open.spotify.com/track/4exIv50omXDRy4TrhOU3H7?si=3zb0iFimT5yff5AjWsleIw
wesghost keeps dropping peak
āIm such a goddamn nightmare
im wide awake its not a daydreamāš£ļøš£ļø
Skinamarink is such a good psychological horror film
Yayyyy
i work until midnight
woohoo
cant spend Halloween with my bf or anyone
cus im working my ass off yay
So
Uh
I had a cookie at work
And there mightāve been glass shards in it
I think I swallowed a couple tiny shards
I can feel this sharp pain in my throat down intobmy stomach and in my colon
My eyes are heavy
my arms are weak asf
Itās hard to breathe and exhale
I donāt know
I feel super uncomfortable
God and this miserable fucking headache
My chest hurts
I hope I didnt fuck up
I had 3 of them cookies
As said by my manager who made them
idfk why theyre even out
if they have glass in em
They said that just a little bit ago after i ate em
fuckin hell
Bababababababababbabaaa
Sometimes i have a reoccurring dream
where im walking in a coal mine under the ocean and theres these bigass vent shafts that go straight up to the surface
And them shafts break and basically the whole ocean just collapsed into the mine
I dont know how to describe it all
just weird, and unfortunate it wont get out of my head
Ima be honest
I donāt know why depression is what it is
I know it has no real cure
And its common sense that there isnt
it rewires your brain to feel shitty about everything. Like its all just bland and worthless and blurry
and i feel like there is a cure
Not a fast one but a consistent one
i also understand well things like relationships and activities and any amount of support doesnāt usually help at all
sometimes so
id do anything to rid of those self consuming, seemingly sentient thoughts out of my friends
but i get so tired and burnt out right?
to the point i want to respond but i cant and i just watch and hope and sob into my arms
Im always thinking of my friends
and u reading this
If u donāt think you are my friend, or you think i wouldnt give a shit if you just disappeared.
I am thinking of you, and i would give a shit if you disappeared. Id give 2 shits
its cliche to do this but i tend to recite the phrase āits just a bad day, not a bad lifeā over and over
And think of my loved ones
Like my boyfriend
And my friends
and it helps
but i feel selfish that sometimes i donāt understand why people do things to themselves. Even though im aware of mental issues and stress
maybe im just set on keeping my body in tiptop shape for my partner, because im reluctant to hurt myself.
Thats selfish
Hi
I feel esteemed to change
but if i change, i wont be able to be there for the ones i care for
thats also selfish
i dont want to die because i know people who love me and care about me would either feel sad, guilty. Angry and furious. Confused and overwhelmed.
thats also selfish
Selfish i would want to just leave without a real reason despite the copious amounts of stress and self suffering
Its not selfish to think that way though
its selfish to act upon it while knowing there are options and opportunities to change that
the word selfish
Because of my boyfriend, ive stopped having those thoughts and voices. Stopped hallucinating, stopped being over sensitive
ive learned to be independent and resilient myself and do what i must without risking anything
is that selfish?
its not selfish
its selfless
its not selfish to be sensitive, and vulnerable
Thatās just what its like to be human
you are a human reading this
Bwaaaa i sound like an asshole
just remember
you
life is not a pretty thing
And its hard to break that wall. Not the wall to darkness or āfreedomā.
The wall to to think freely and live freely beside your flaws and your perfections.
You may have a spoon to break that wall, and nei the endurance.
But you have the will.
Even if it seems impossible.
and that spoon
that small rusty spoon
barely longer than your middle finger
Is golden because its of your heart and soul. And nothing can break that
Even if it takes YEARS
That spoon will still shine, even if it turns silver, or bronze, or as dark as nothing
You may drop that spoon
But that spoon will gently pull you back. Because it knows, your heart knows, that it isnt over
Thats your heart speaking.

And if you feel
like slumping against the wall
limply
you just want to lay on the floor and rot
Like that wall was MADE to keep you there
.
Your partner is on the other side of that damn wall. Listening to your heartbeat, their hands on the walls red crusty cement
Whispering to your ears
that she is also that spoon
because she, or he is determination
Thats my thought on depression
And yet i havent to break that wall
not yet
i dont have a spoon
i have a sledgehammer
Because im determined and confident in myself to break away from the past and scares of the future
And live life the way i sought. Not because i want it. But because thats where im meant to be
Life
Real life
where you are right now in this exact moment
i love you
read this and think about it
huggies

I apologize if i sound like an asshole trying to fix the problems in your life
im not trying to
im just spilling my thoughts and being honest
And I just want you to know it
Thats all friend
Still thinking of youš§”
just in general, like whoever reads this, and I also read your journal but i didnāt have the confidence to respond to you directly so i kinda just made a bigass poem about how i felt
i hope things ease up for u, smoothly and peacefully huggy
oh shit fr? damn thanks man hug

no need to thank me at all fren, you deserve support, and to feel loved more than anything

i kinda spilled everything i had in those texts
ay same for you too man
Apparently i have a slop score lmao
Not to be a dick
But why is there an actual child in gen chat
Hellyeah fluffy hair now
done with shower earlier
smellin like rain
i feel very soft
Idk
Hoping he says sum stupid so I can mute him
I feel like a burden in the art community
every person ive ever commissioned happened to stop doing art for reasons
people disrespect me and never greet me when i talk there
Theyre pushy and annoying as fuck
asking me to draw shit for them all the time
only like 2 people are nice there
I have horrible luck
Raffles and art contests and in announcements im always left behind
90 bucks gone in one day
and they might not get back onto art
Ugh
Everyone around me gets free art, asking or not asking
My art is just not good enough
im trying to get big, trying to involve myself in others posts and events and im just not seen or acknowledged
And im damn well aware they see me
Why cant i just be a good artist
Every art ive ever done was FREE
My characters suck
All i have is my phone, my drawing app, and my finger to keep me going
I draw with my finger
And it hurts honestly
man
-# ** ** 
Stolen
true
:3


999 days
hell yeahhh!!!!!!

Almost a year off antidepps too yipee
Yknow
You and Logan are the main reasons im still keeping up
Alongside my bf
Yall deserve the bestš§”

I'm so proud of you Johnny


Thank u all so much
I couldnāt of ever done it without you guys
genuinely
lil treat for tonight
4.5% still being mindful about my intake
Pink lemonadeā¦so fucking yum
One of these hoes is ACTIVE on their platforms drawing others and hosting shit
And i payed
and i havent gotten jack shit
not even a response in over 3 weeks
looks good asl
shit was amazing
dive bars always peak
Got a lil question, is ana from the Netherlands?
originally russia
but she is currently residing in the netherlands
bars in wisconsin always hit
ahh got it thankies
Just asking cus my bf is also from the Netherlands
i just wanted to tell u i get and understand the problem with time zones
and ur not alone in that type of frustration
genuinely horrid especially when i have to work
because by the time im out of work its like
5 am for her
i work at a restaurant that is only open in the afternoon until night
so yes
legally cant stay to late tho bc child labor laws
were on the same exact page brotha
afternoon to night
Partner wakes up usually 12-2 am, sleeps from 4-5pm (now cus of daylight savings in Europe)
I get everything youre saying, genuinely
idek her whole schedule
so im always a little lost
she usually gets on at about 5-8 pm
youll know after a while my fren, you can openly ask her what her usual times are
yeah ik i will someday
but today is different :/
i havent gotten a text in almost 25 hours now
little worrying
i know that must be scary for u fren, and its okay to feel that way.
Its happened to me before too with him, its almost always a combination of work exhaustion(or any other activity), and the times you arent online
(i assume early to mid-mornings; at most 7 am)
and yes sometimes people do accidentally forget
and or are too busy/occupied to respond(combined with needing sleep)
yeah i understand that
i also think you might like this song
very chill
Sweetness
Dud ei am
Si
Fuciing drunk rn
Onather large muf og giinsss
and 3 redds
herheeheheheehehhee
hshhee
yipeeee
Ima sleepe


Damn
Fuckin long ass linkš
Provided to YouTube by INDEPENDENT
Bad Taste (feat. Sepha.) Ā· Rivilin Ā· Sepha. Ā· Connor Woodland Ā· Connor Woodland
Bad Taste (feat. Sepha.)
ā Rivilin
Released on: 2019-09-14
Auto-generated by YouTube.
Nvm
Got it
I love this songā¦
New predator movies actually fucking peak 10/10
John of yautja
And its just a short ass gay dude
I wonder if theres gay yautja
idk
Ill be the first
Google no my cats not named simon
God i feel miserable
My blood sugars are going fucking insane
I was low at 11:30pm
Then i went to sleep after i stabalized them
Then I went really fucking high
Above 400 for almost 2 hours
Got that down
Went back tio sleep
Now my blood sugars are 48
My chest is throbbing like a clock
Im getting no sleep
Just a night of horror
Man
God i love him
Teeny tiny
A whole 20 feet
That's how high you have to look up to see me :3
TINY
POV :you
Logan pov: looking up at me so much you need another pair of (freshly unscratched) glasses

Remembering the tiniest details when lmfao
I mentioned I scratched my glasses like two months ago and you remembered š
Mhm mhm
True
Why could I ever doubt you
i just realized you were being sarcastic
nooo
Sureeeeeee
Sure š
š
:3
:p
I donāt usually do this but
post workout forearm
Arm + fluffy hair
Now that's a W
home alone
good movie but worse when youre actually home alone
Also when my bf suddenly disappeared without saying goodnight and its 1am rn for him
And all i have to give me the slightest bit of comfort is that plushie that reminds me of him sprayed with his cologne
i know his mom decided to pop in
Thats all he really said before poof cinematic ultra realistic smoke
it makes me worry
Because neither of our families know of our relationship
And i still have the fear that if anyone finds out theyll force us to break up
I wanna be left alone right now
just until he comes back
My social life is sooooooo fun when literally nobody acknowledges my existence knowing damn well im say hello and interacting with chat
Just trying to socialize
and my bf is asleep
I hope nothing bad happenedā¦
If hes gone
if hes gone..
what if..
Cool
FUCKING cool.
FUCK all this shit man
The artist i commissioned 90$ on just blocked me
Even after i paid, even after he promised to show me the āsketchā he already did
Im fucking angry
Life is being hard on my bf again too
Not because of the damn money
BUT
because
I put
So
Much
FUCKING
trust and kindness into that motherfucker
Why does everyone i know always push my efforts away????
My kindness
My generosity
My trust
The things not many other people GIVE to artists during commissions
Why me???
Why fucking me
bullshit
Thats it
im not gonna commission a single damn fucking soul in my life again
Not unless they literally PLEAD they will stick with it
Ill need to hear them swear by their life first
AND BESIDES
EVERY ARTIST I COMMISSION IS LITERALLY DEPRESSED
AND IM STARTING TO THINK IM SOME CURSED OMEN
Maybe im just unlucky
Or im actually a fucking harbinger of sorrow
A COMMISSION THAT TOOK
FUCKING 3 MONTHS
AND I WAITED THE WHOLE TIME WITH MY HEART ON EDGE
Yeah because āi want toā my fucking ass
Fuck you
Fuck you Richie
I literally have NO reason to be blocked
you bastard
I am really trying to be kind to myself right now
I dont usually get this upset
But i DO when someone throws away all the love, trust, respect and generosity i give.
And my motherfucking money
AND this BITCH was going to be the first ever artist i commission
And he ruined it all
the special moment
And oh look theyre friend that commissioned them also fucking blocked me
What is wrong with me????
why am i such a stain???
A fucking problem for everyone?
Why am i always put down and forgotten????
I hate it
Im pissed
Upset
Angry
Im honestly violent in my head right now
I guess im just indispensable
no one can fucking change my mind
and to make matters worse
the commission was supposed to be a gift for my bf
An art piece of us both
And its just DISCARDED
im not going to hurt myself or anything
like i always do
I just let the overwhelming anger and emotions steam out of me
fuck..
Im not sorry for how pissed the mothafuckin off i am
Im sorry that im always the problem
That ass never deserved my kindness
Never deserved any of my respect
fucking dickhead
It honestly confuses me how im still up and running, still this active and mindful with how bad my sleep is
for many months now
I think since January of this year
Ive gotten on an average 2-4 hours of sleep every night
Ive been running on fumes basically
And im still energetic
And loving and understanding
I dont shut down around others or things
Idk
Its like i feed off my sleep deprivation
Or maybe its the way my brains wired after many certain things
one is art
#1 tho is being the comfort and support of others
staying up all night to help out friends and even a couple strangers
over and over
And i basically just adapted
I still lift good
I run amazing
Im very aware and stable
i dont know how im not breaking
mf i am not the main character
Lmfao
Another is my bf(though not his fault in any way)
Since he always wakes up from 12-3 am
still committed to seeing him every night no matter what
Awwooooooo
Wooooooff
Woof
me and my bf played vr chat together for the first time ever
earlier today
Just us 2 in one room
And omfg he is adorable he doesnt know how to play and he has no idea what hes doing to me
Thats him^
:(
bf had to help his friend from offing himself :(
gwaah
The guys okay
My bf doing okay too he said
But anytime when this stuff happens my body just shudders
And i absorb all the stress he feels
and its really really exhausting and i keep burning out
Hmmmmmmphhhhh
Im sleepy
Coming home from work absolutely sucked ass..
Massive blizzard
low visibility is horrible
i nearly hit somebody cus of how damn slippery the snow was
gosh
Well least im home now
And work also sucked too
low blood sugars, caffeine drop, uhh my vision started to shift like youd imagine reality splitting for half a second
Fatigue
Physically, mentally, emotionally unprepared for literally anything right now
i miss him
Ima go draw
:3
Yknow
I just wanna get this off my chest
I dont know why ive been feeling so numb
Lately
Like
Im disconnecting
Not that i just dont care, no, im thinking its from the constant stress im under
My diabetes is one of them
A big part of it
Being around stress and depression really gets to ya yknow?
Not in a blameful or anything, no pointing fingers
I wanna help people
Especially my friends
But my brain keeps telling me no
āBack off youāre already under enough you cant take anymoreā
I know thats straight bullshit
even though i still havent a day stress free
I just dont know that to do
or what to say
or how to feel
tbh
I once wasnt like who i am now
Suddenly having this urge of empathy
To support and help others even if it breaks me
I dont want to feel like im losing that
I dont think i am
I think my body and brains just overloaded, and burnt out
I should get more sleep
Eat a little better
Spend more time outside than drawing
Thankfully my jobs getting better
We got a new manager and theyre like times nicer then the last
And idk if its like strange
But
Its been roughly 5 months with my bf now
And we havent had a single argument or misunderstanding since
Is that good?
Ik its weird to ask that
Hes still the first relationship i ever had
i donāt know alot about how to really do it all
Im lowk such a good boy for him
Yay gotta put my pump on again
keep poking my belly every day and its so another ughhh
1,027 clean says fuck you world
1,028 in 12 minutes
Mrrrp
Meowwww
Barrkkkk
Yet some may wonder how and why i dont hurt myself even with the overwhelming stress and pain
and that
that
So i have this strange fixation on my body
I must be in tip top shape or ill feel bad about it and probably do something i wouldnt like
So i make schedules
Eat healthy
Try to sleep
Keep my mind clear
Workout everyday
Etc etc
OOH SHIT
SPOTIFY WRAPPED OS OUT
Soā¦
-# sigh..
He just tore his calf
fuck
My head and chest is pounding
whole body aching
Im thankful its not entirely torn
But just fuckā¦
he cant go to the hospital rn cus its super late and hes sleeping
And his mom wouldnāt take him to the hospital cus she said its fine
Fuck no
Hell fucking no its not fine
What the fuck is she thinking
Im upset


āTear his aclā
Go fuck yourself in the ass with a pvc pipe
dickhead
that actually just made me sadder
Today just fucking sucks
the last couple days sucked
Thanksgiving sucked
Im too sensitive to enjoy anything
Me and him lowk
Hdhdhdhdhedhehhehehehee
Im idjd
Like
Hehehe
drunk
Belly hurttt
Gaaaawww
:(
Just work
I dont wanna do this anymore
Im done
Work was chaotic
From the start
Im so fucked up right now I donāt even feel like explaining
fuckā¦
Uhm
I guess
There was a ||shootout|| at the middle school near me
Officer got hit
The criminal guy got hit so the fucker got in his truck and drove through the front doors of the schoolššš
What the fuck


No way someone just said āwhy does samuel L. Jackson always play black guysā
dont care didnt ask + it always jiggles when i walk + im lowki gay
like
Im not lying the second half
Mmmmmeow
Arrf
Rruf
Woof
bark
Are you intoxicated per chance
Just the moment i take my insulin pump off my blood sugars sky rocket to the 400ās
It fucking sucks
And whatās worse is that my lack of sleep is contributing to my bodyās resistance to insulin
And having constant high/low blood sugars impacts the brain too
So if i ever forget things or am really slow or i get a neurological issue, maybe 2
youāll know why
I just wanna take care of myself
Diabetes ruined it all
It might even ruin my future with him
i hope not
Im treating myself as much as i can
Or i literally become disabled
I can lose the nerve function in my legs
Etc etc etc fuck
im broken
Todays another horrible day


All i want is him to have a good time
so many
Absolutely shitty things happen backtoback
And his mood gets down easily
If I could i would give him everything
My possessions
My money
My time
My mind
My body
My heart
My literal soul to him
Just so he can live happy
it just makes me wanna just scream and tear my hair out
Which is probably what i shouldnāt do
like i said i feel EVERYTHING he feels
Even just if he goes offline suddenly for a bit or takes longer to respond or talks differently
It triggers me to feel incredibly worried and stressed
Because
The accidental ptsd our first weeks gave me
Of having to take him away from doing really really bad things a couple times im a row
and i still get really shaky and my breath deepens and my body just squeezes
And just
Ill be honest
I have a hard time crying anymore
just my body physically wont let it out
this stress is pounding with my lack of sleep and it just stacks and closes it up
and really
The amount of love and support and urgent care ive given to numerous people
Ive never really gotten the same back to me. Not saying all the support ive gotten was worthless, its definitely helped me
Its just ive never gotten the amount of support i give to others. And im still waiting for something to happen, so i can finally cry and feel better
-11 degrees out
Bro none of this shit real look the beer as big as the tree what the fuck
DAMN
Replaced my old cars exhaust and holy shit does it accelerate fastš
Its a tiny suv with a V6 in it
I know what you did loganā¦
What š
well
My other best friends bf broke up with him
and he might ss
I donāt know what to do
Or say
mentally unprepared
and honestly burnt out
I donāt wanna keep having to be a lifesaver and a therapist
this is honestly a responsibility i was NEVER made or meant to hold
And over time it has changed me and ruined me
But if i just let it go
im a bad person
And i deserve punishment because i didnt do what i want to do
but i just cant
my brains foggy
And i dont know what to do
I wish i wasnt a machine
I know i have help, like my friends and bf
But i just dont feel like i deserve it by asking. I domt wanna bother, even though i know it wont bother them.
i just have like this complex where i can do everything by myself as best as can be
yeah
im a bad person
When a close friend attempts
I dont feel like attempting too. I just feel ALL the stress and pain from it, inside of me
And i donāt have any way of washing it out
what the fuck is wrong with me
im gonna go cry to myself in the shower
Or at least try to cry
if i cant ill just sit there and scream
ok
No ones ever took the weights off my shoulders like i did to others
But i still love and wrap around others help, they all help me
I just never got treated exactly the way i treat others. The amount of love and support i can give, the steadiness and consistency, the reliability i give off
I was never shown that, not even now
I mourn
I wish there were others out there like me
I exist to support
okay
shower now
bye
Im sorry if i made any of you who help me feel bad or worthless
im sorry

thankies fren


Im such a mess
I still have the problem where i struggle being around other peopleās affection
my bf is gone rn and his phones dead
This morning his parents yelled at him again because of just simppe things and it ruined his morning
And it ruined my night too
Why do i feel so much
Why johnny
Why
Id do ANYTHING for him to have things better, just easier
im in a constant mix of happiness and distress and sadness and biglove
Meow

i donāt know anymore
Ill be honest
everyone whove seen me here donāt really know me
Everything you see me doing ehioe around me, well..most things(its different when im drunk)
Ive been keeping a content mask on, just a happy im doing my best mask
i am doing my best
and i wont stop
because people need help
And..
I know if i dont take a break
itll break me hard
But I just cant stop
Its my instinct to give those i love the support they need at any given time
and when i burn out, and cant help no matter how hard i push
I hate myself for that
It makes me think im just surviving to help others feel better
But i dunno
Im too empathetic
but i wont give up
I feel a little better
Wifi cut out the whole day so i barely got to talk to him
Except for some small moments and before he slept
He was at a football game(soccer) and his team won
so im happy hes happy
Ok so
he reminded me that i promised him id sleep earlier
I am gonna sleep earlier
Which
Is hard
Because i wont be able to see him when he wakes up
but we both agree it being for the better
Bad sleep and sleep deprivation fucks up my diabetes ALOT
Makes my brain foggy and makes my memory waver, i get extra fatigued all the time and some nerves can die, my resistance to insulin will skyrocket and ill be dangerously high for possibly days, etc. Etc. Etc.
it really sucks i cant be there with himā¦but i have to sleep, he needs me to sleep
I wanna be there for him on the long run
Not with something that can hurt me and stop that
Dude these leggings
HAPPY MUTHAFUCKIN BIRDTHDAY LOGAN @bright sun @bright sun @bright sun
THANKIES :3333

Sadly lmfao
I wonder what my bf got me for Christmas
Heās across the ocean and doesnt have alot of money, and well, his mother could see
Which i assume could be bad but idk for sure
I got him a lot of things
Like 5 maybe 6 things
I
Well
Well i donāt really mind if he didnt get me anything
But i also really hope he did..
no one will as far as i know, no family
i might just buy something i want and get hella drunk over my ass at night and wrap it up, then wake up and forget what i just did
And wake up to a present
Me and my thigh highs cannot be defeated
:(
I miss him
idk if I did anything wrong
he didnāt respond to my goodnight message and hes at work and hasnāt responded to me since
Tired
Exhausted
Sad
Lonely
Envious
cmonnn
:(
My legs and back are absolutely throbbing too
i was going to have a good night with my bf
But then those two shamefully obese hoarder ass prune ass fuckers ruined it and now my moods bottom line
hah
i hope youre happy
Because no shit will ever bring me down
try me
pussy

Holy shit sometimes pleaaaee rub my bellay
Just watched the new Avatar
Best one so far
I hope they make a 4th one
maybe desert or underground Naāvi
Would be awesome
Tummy huwwwwtt :(
Well
i was gonna have a good day
Until someone pinged me a video of a dude having a ||rectal prolapse with a fucking horse toy||
And now its stuck in my head
And i cant get it out
Why do i always have to be mentally traumatized back to back its just bullshit
First gore
Then accusation
Then a sexual shock vid
Im just gonna try and distract myself with games
Hopefully i get to talk with my bf longer tomorrow
uh i didnt read anything but i wanted to say cool cow š„¹āļø
its a lottt idk if thats offensive i just had to say it šš
is it okay if i lowkey steal him
idk but uhmm stay whimsical stay jolly stay joyous š„¹š„¹āļøāļø
sigh
Idkw
But rn is just
heavy
Thanks logan<3/p
Its just
He said he just feels tired 24/7
and its concerning me
Not in a bad way, just, in a worried loving way
He doesnt know what it is
The last days have been bad for him
I wish i could carry his pain, his tiredness
But i know that wouldnāt be good for either of us
Im not trying to āfixā any of it
Im just worried
I just wanna make sure hes okay despite him saying he is
Im too sensitive for my own good
I say that alot because its just the honest truth
Even a tiny change in capitalization or tone in his texts triggers me
Ive been too hyper vigilant for too long
Half a decade till im able to just wake up beside him
Or something
Idk the time rn
Why do i feel like a nuisance to him, making him tired and down
I know thats not the truth, but i just cant not think about it
Idk if he had a good Christmas or not
He rlly loved my gifts tho
Man
i wanna just sleep
hes been sleeping alot later than he usually does
Like
Waking up later i mean
Maybe its cus of his tiredness
I hope it is
Because id hate for it to be his depression rising again
I can help him if it is
Ive quite literally built an emotional armor that says fuck you to every other emotion other than sadness, blank, and worry.
Ive basically devoted part of my brain to just being his emotional support animal or wtv
My brain basically makes exceptions for my body and diabetes to be able to withstand more and more stress and difficulties
but
I know
Heāll hate this if he finds out
he wants me to be healthy too
And im trying
But its hard to get out of the cycle i made
Like its just firebranded to my lobe
I
just.
.
im tired too
Not of him
Just tired
The same as he is
dont know why
But im more concerned at why hes constantly tired than i am
Idk
Just
Listen to this
Its the only way i know how to express my emotions right now
'Tilikum' from Benjamin Francis Leftwich's new album 'After The Rain'. Available to purchase here -http://benjaminfrancisleftwich.com
Heāll wake up in 2 or 3 hours
But idk if im able to stay awake
i no wanna sleep..
Man i dont even wanna talk in chat here either despite a couple of my friends are there
You gonna be able to get some sleep after?
Another
despising day
ANOTHER FUCKING DESPISING DAY
And he is has to go
For a while
Fuck
just fucking god
My morningās ruined
Whole day is fucking ruined
And no one is talking to me
I really need someone to just hug
Fuck
I hate it
My stress will never go away
because no one that i know of has the kind of empathetic and genuine supportive capacity that i have, and thatās what i need to calm down
My bodys literally built a fucking wall around every other feeling and emotion
dumb fucking johnny
Dumb stupid weak pathetic motherfucking johnny
I donāt even know anymore
Donāt talk in here unless you have a reason to
This unironically just made me worse
I donāt have the energy to talk anymore
fucking dammit
Now ill just keep all my stress in
Its self deteriorating to hold in all this stress but idfc
ill just type until its just me
Chfhfhfbf
Ff
G
H
H
Hs
Gt
S
c
Dch




