#Johnnies mindscape wooooowww

1 messages Ā· Page 10 of 1

solemn trout
#

Fucking weirdo

#

Shit makes me paranoid

#

Still got his whole life, but that record will stay with him for 10~ years

#

And TO BE HONEST FOR EVERYONE

#

i guarantee you he didnt realize if you delete something on a PC, it isnt gone
Cant recycle anything. the data is just ready for reformatting, the data still exists

#

Gladly
Sometimes i can be a cynical dick and i saw through his bullshit fairly quick

#

Relieving to know hes gone

#

sorry if this topic is too sensitive

solemn trout
#

anxious

#

none of the 3 artists I commissioned have gotten back to me in a week

#

ones dealing with mental shit i cant handle
One cant draw cus their family is restricting all internet access
One is just not responding

#

MadPout i worked hard for that money bro
(Totally didnt)

#

Man what is mainchat even about anymorešŸ’”

#

shits just in the 3rd grade

bright sun
burnt snow
solemn trout
#

Man

#

Its just like nobody ever appreciates my art anymore

#

except for logan and suba

#

No one really bothers

#

im trying to grow my twitter account but the only attention i get are from my small art community
And its still barely active

#

Maybe im just not good enough

#

Or maybe im just not doing it right

#

I want to start commissions

#

but my lifes too complicated and troublesome to handle that

#

I hate ut

#

I hate it so much

#

Just nobody gives even the smallest shit about my art

#

All the time and mindstrain i put into it
And people just scroll past it

#

Its unbelievably discouraging

#

what do i even draw for again?

#

I dont know

#

I dont have a motive

#

Ive never done a commission

#

Every art ive done was either for myself or my bf or just completely FREE$

#

i feel im just a toy
A plaything, a machine for producing art

#

people keep saying ā€œdraw my ocā€

#

And i do

#

And it’s just crazy

#

Learn to fucking draw or pay up

#

Because im not yours to use

#

I wish i just wasn’t small

#

im scared to make attention because literally every else is better than me

#

tee is better me

#

suba even

#

Everyone in tee’s servers better than me

#

Im just a guy i guess

#

:(

bright sun
#

You're so talented Johnny
I hope you blow up. I hope you get massive on Twitter

solemn trout
#

thank u fren

#

big soft huggies

solemn trout
#

Gonna go eat out

#

Wish i could call my bf there but since its winter season he sets his clock backwards one hour

#

blahh

solemn trout
solemn trout
#

Hellyeah

solemn trout
#

Bf requires 82.3 photos of me in my yoga pants before he wakes up

#

Begin the operation

burnt snow
solemn trout
#

Ok

#

Yo

#

chainsaw man movie was fucking peak

#

11/10

#

But that bomb bitch really had to do denji like that twice

#

No bomb ass her ass is flat!

#

Leveled out by a claymorešŸ˜­šŸ™

solemn trout
#

and im like...bro has a dog toy for himself at his computer desk nty

#

THANK YOU

#

Legit have a dog toy on my deskšŸ˜­šŸ’”

#

But MINE

#

no one gets to see

solemn trout
#

Johnnies mindscape wooooowww

solemn trout
#

:(

#

:(((

#

Fucking god man

#

Bf got fired in a bad way

#

And now his moms being all pissy at him

solemn trout
#

Rrrruf

#

Woof

#

Woof

#

Wood

#

Wuuuuffdf

#

Wuff

#

arf

#

Arrrf arf arf rrruf

#

barkbark

bright sun
solemn trout
#

Apparently it was tallied that 118 people left the event because of how scary it was, and 25 people pissed themselves

burnt snow
solemn trout
#

ā€œIm such a goddamn nightmare
im wide awake its not a daydreamā€šŸ—£ļøšŸ—£ļø

solemn trout
#

Skinamarink is such a good psychological horror film

solemn trout
#

Yayyyy

#

i work until midnight

#

woohoo

#

cant spend Halloween with my bf or anyone

#

cus im working my ass off yay

solemn trout
#

So

#

Uh

#

I had a cookie at work

#

And there might’ve been glass shards in it

#

I think I swallowed a couple tiny shards

#

I can feel this sharp pain in my throat down intobmy stomach and in my colon
My eyes are heavy
my arms are weak asf
It’s hard to breathe and exhale

#

I don’t know

#

I feel super uncomfortable

#

God and this miserable fucking headache

#

My chest hurts

#

I hope I didnt fuck up

#

I had 3 of them cookies

solemn trout
#

idfk why theyre even out

#

if they have glass in em
They said that just a little bit ago after i ate em

#

fuckin hell

solemn trout
#

Ayyyyy work done early

#

and i feel better

solemn trout
#

Egngohg

#

Dngong

#

Sngong

#

Wgnon

#

egnog

solemn trout
#

Bababababababababbabaaa

solemn trout
#

Peak!!!!

#

Very true fren

#

Somehow my beer turned into your video boden

#

Lmfao

solemn trout
#

Sometimes i have a reoccurring dream

#

where im walking in a coal mine under the ocean and theres these bigass vent shafts that go straight up to the surface

#

And them shafts break and basically the whole ocean just collapsed into the mine

#

I dont know how to describe it all

#

just weird, and unfortunate it wont get out of my head

#

Ima be honest

#

I don’t know why depression is what it is

#

I know it has no real cure

#

And its common sense that there isnt

#

it rewires your brain to feel shitty about everything. Like its all just bland and worthless and blurry

#

and i feel like there is a cure

#

Not a fast one but a consistent one

#

i also understand well things like relationships and activities and any amount of support doesn’t usually help at all

#

sometimes so

#

id do anything to rid of those self consuming, seemingly sentient thoughts out of my friends

#

but i get so tired and burnt out right?

#

to the point i want to respond but i cant and i just watch and hope and sob into my arms

#

Im always thinking of my friends

#

and u reading this
If u don’t think you are my friend, or you think i wouldnt give a shit if you just disappeared.

I am thinking of you, and i would give a shit if you disappeared. Id give 2 shits

#

its cliche to do this but i tend to recite the phrase ā€œits just a bad day, not a bad lifeā€ over and over

#

And think of my loved ones

#

Like my boyfriend

#

And my friends

#

and it helps

#

but i feel selfish that sometimes i don’t understand why people do things to themselves. Even though im aware of mental issues and stress

#

maybe im just set on keeping my body in tiptop shape for my partner, because im reluctant to hurt myself.
Thats selfish

lofty oracle
#

Hi

solemn trout
#

I feel esteemed to change
but if i change, i wont be able to be there for the ones i care for

#

thats also selfish

#

i dont want to die because i know people who love me and care about me would either feel sad, guilty. Angry and furious. Confused and overwhelmed.

thats also selfish

#

Selfish i would want to just leave without a real reason despite the copious amounts of stress and self suffering

#

Its not selfish to think that way though

#

its selfish to act upon it while knowing there are options and opportunities to change that

#

the word selfish

#

Because of my boyfriend, ive stopped having those thoughts and voices. Stopped hallucinating, stopped being over sensitive

#

ive learned to be independent and resilient myself and do what i must without risking anything

#

is that selfish?

#

its not selfish

#

its selfless

#

its not selfish to be sensitive, and vulnerable

#

That’s just what its like to be human

#

you are a human reading this

#

Bwaaaa i sound like an asshole

#

just remember

#

you

#

life is not a pretty thing
And its hard to break that wall. Not the wall to darkness or ā€œfreedomā€.

The wall to to think freely and live freely beside your flaws and your perfections.
You may have a spoon to break that wall, and nei the endurance.

But you have the will.
Even if it seems impossible.

#

and that spoon

#

that small rusty spoon

#

barely longer than your middle finger

#

Is golden because its of your heart and soul. And nothing can break that

#

Even if it takes YEARS

#

That spoon will still shine, even if it turns silver, or bronze, or as dark as nothing

#

You may drop that spoon

#

But that spoon will gently pull you back. Because it knows, your heart knows, that it isnt over

#

Thats your heart speaking.

#

And if you feel

#

like slumping against the wall

#

limply

#

you just want to lay on the floor and rot

#

Like that wall was MADE to keep you there

#

.

#

Your partner is on the other side of that damn wall. Listening to your heartbeat, their hands on the walls red crusty cement

#

Whispering to your ears

#

that she is also that spoon

#

because she, or he is determination

#

Thats my thought on depression

#

And yet i havent to break that wall

#

not yet

#

i dont have a spoon

#

i have a sledgehammer
Because im determined and confident in myself to break away from the past and scares of the future

#

And live life the way i sought. Not because i want it. But because thats where im meant to be

#

Life

#

Real life

#

where you are right now in this exact moment

#

i love you

#

read this and think about it

#

huggies

#

I apologize if i sound like an asshole trying to fix the problems in your life

#

im not trying to

#

im just spilling my thoughts and being honest

#

And I just want you to know it

#

Thats all friend

#

Still thinking of you🧔

burnt snow
#

if you dont mind me asking

solemn trout
# burnt snow who you talkin abt johnny?

just in general, like whoever reads this, and I also read your journal but i didn’t have the confidence to respond to you directly so i kinda just made a bigass poem about how i felt chu_hug chu_hug i hope things ease up for u, smoothly and peacefully huggy

solemn trout
#

no need to thank me at all fren, you deserve support, and to feel loved more than anythingchu_hug chu_hug chu_hug

#

i kinda spilled everything i had in those texts

solemn trout
#

Apparently i have a slop score lmao

solemn trout
#

Not to be a dick

#

But why is there an actual child in gen chat

#

Hellyeah fluffy hair now

#

done with shower earlier

#

smellin like rain

#

i feel very soft

bright sun
solemn trout
#

I feel like a burden in the art community

#

every person ive ever commissioned happened to stop doing art for reasons

#

people disrespect me and never greet me when i talk there

#

Theyre pushy and annoying as fuck

#

asking me to draw shit for them all the time

#

only like 2 people are nice there

#

I have horrible luck

#

Raffles and art contests and in announcements im always left behind

solemn trout
#

and they might not get back onto art

#

Ugh

#

Everyone around me gets free art, asking or not asking

#

My art is just not good enough

#

im trying to get big, trying to involve myself in others posts and events and im just not seen or acknowledged

#

And im damn well aware they see me

#

Why cant i just be a good artist

#

Every art ive ever done was FREE

#

My characters suck

#

All i have is my phone, my drawing app, and my finger to keep me going

#

I draw with my finger

#

And it hurts honestly

#

man

solemn trout
#

-# ** ** a_cry_goober_lonely_pout_sad

solemn trout
bright sun
#

Stolen

solemn trout
#

true

bright sun
#

:3

solemn trout
#

I like being stolen

#

:3

bright sun
solemn trout
solemn trout
#

I want him as a cologne

solemn trout
#

999 days

burnt snow
solemn trout
#

Tomorrow is my 1000th clean

burnt snow
#

oooooo

#

happy for you man

solemn trout
#

Thankiessss

burnt snow
#

hell yeahhh!!!!!!

solemn trout
#

Wrong photo lul

solemn trout
solemn trout
#

Almost a year off antidepps too yipee

solemn trout
#

Yknow
You and Logan are the main reasons im still keeping up

#

Alongside my bf

#

Yall deserve the best🧔

burnt snow
#

your a legend man

#

keep it up šŸ’™šŸ¦‹šŸ©µ

solemn trout
bright sun
solemn trout
#

Thank u all so much

#

I couldn’t of ever done it without you guys

#

genuinely

#

lil treat for tonight
4.5% still being mindful about my intake

#

Pink lemonade…so fucking yum

solemn trout
#

And i payed

#

and i havent gotten jack shit

#

not even a response in over 3 weeks

solemn trout
#

guiness nitro is ma shitrah

burnt snow
#

looks good asl

solemn trout
burnt snow
#

dive bars always peak

solemn trout
#

Always peak

#

this bars in wisconsin too

solemn trout
burnt snow
#

but she is currently residing in the netherlands

burnt snow
solemn trout
#

and ur not alone in that type of frustration

burnt snow
#

because by the time im out of work its like

#

5 am for her

solemn trout
#

Night shifts i assume

#

Same here

burnt snow
#

i work at a restaurant that is only open in the afternoon until night

#

so yes

#

legally cant stay to late tho bc child labor laws

solemn trout
#

were on the same exact page brotha
afternoon to night
Partner wakes up usually 12-2 am, sleeps from 4-5pm (now cus of daylight savings in Europe)

#

I get everything youre saying, genuinely

burnt snow
#

idek her whole schedule

#

so im always a little lost

#

she usually gets on at about 5-8 pm

solemn trout
#

youll know after a while my fren, you can openly ask her what her usual times are

burnt snow
#

yeah ik i will someday

#

but today is different :/

#

i havent gotten a text in almost 25 hours now

#

little worrying

solemn trout
#

chu_hug chu_hugi know that must be scary for u fren, and its okay to feel that way.
Its happened to me before too with him, its almost always a combination of work exhaustion(or any other activity), and the times you arent online
(i assume early to mid-mornings; at most 7 am)

#

and yes sometimes people do accidentally forget

#

and or are too busy/occupied to respond(combined with needing sleep)

solemn trout
#

The nog in bed

#

being gay and cute makes me sleepy

solemn trout
#

Sweetness

solemn trout
solemn trout
#

Dud ei am

#

Si

#

Fuciing drunk rn

#

Onather large muf og giinsss

#

and 3 redds

#

herheeheheheehehhee

#

hshhee

#

yipeeee

#

Ima sleepe

bright sun
solemn trout
solemn trout
#

95.5 temp cool

#

And im like

#

Super fuckin warm

#

weird

solemn trout
#

Damn

#

Fuckin long ass link😭

#

Nvm

#

Got it

#

I love this song…

solemn trout
#

New predator movies actually fucking peak 10/10

#

John of yautja
And its just a short ass gay dude

#

I wonder if theres gay yautja

#

idk

#

Ill be the first

solemn trout
#

Google no my cats not named simon

solemn trout
#

God i feel miserable

#

My blood sugars are going fucking insane

#

I was low at 11:30pm

#

Then i went to sleep after i stabalized them

#

Then I went really fucking high

#

Above 400 for almost 2 hours

#

Got that down

#

Went back tio sleep

#

Now my blood sugars are 48

#

My chest is throbbing like a clock

#

Im getting no sleep

#

Just a night of horror

#

Man

solemn trout
#

Meomeiwmeowmeowmeomwow

solemn trout
#

God i love him

solemn trout
#

Loving this hoodie
(im on my damn tiptoes rn)

#

Holy shit i look small

#

😭

bright sun
#

Teeny tiny

solemn trout
#

:( nuh

#

Ur teeny tiny

#

ill throw u bro

bright sun
#

Maybe an inch

#

:3

solemn trout
#

A whole 20 feet

bright sun
#

That's how high you have to look up to see me :3

solemn trout
#

TINY

bright sun
#

POV :you

solemn trout
#

Logan pov: looking up at me so much you need another pair of (freshly unscratched) glasses

bright sun
#

Remembering the tiniest details when lmfao

solemn trout
#

heh

#

when lmfao

bright sun
#

I mentioned I scratched my glasses like two months ago and you remembered 😭

solemn trout
#

Im big and smart and like super strong

#

yeah id remember

bright sun
#

Mhm mhm

solemn trout
#

see

#

You agree

#

Thats confirmation

bright sun
#

True
Why could I ever doubt you

solemn trout
#

i just realized you were being sarcastic

bright sun
#

😭😭

#

Do I need to start putting/sarc 😭

solemn trout
#

noooMadPout

bright sun
#

Sureeeeeee

solemn trout
#

Nooooooooooo

#

fine

#

do it if you want

#

Im still the smartest one

bright sun
#

Sure šŸ’”

solemn trout
#

sure is right

#

heh

bright sun
#

😭

solemn trout
#

:3

bright sun
#

:p

solemn trout
#

I don’t usually do this but

post workout forearm

bright sun
#

Arm + fluffy hair
Now that's a W

solemn trout
#

home alone

#

good movie but worse when youre actually home alone

#

Also when my bf suddenly disappeared without saying goodnight and its 1am rn for him
And all i have to give me the slightest bit of comfort is that plushie that reminds me of him sprayed with his cologne

#

i know his mom decided to pop in
Thats all he really said before poof cinematic ultra realistic smoke

#

it makes me worry

#

Because neither of our families know of our relationship

#

And i still have the fear that if anyone finds out theyll force us to break up

#

I wanna be left alone right now

#

just until he comes back

solemn trout
#

My social life is sooooooo fun when literally nobody acknowledges my existence knowing damn well im say hello and interacting with chat

#

Just trying to socialize

#

and my bf is asleep

#

I hope nothing bad happened…

#

If hes gone

#

if hes gone..

#

what if..

solemn trout
#

Cool

#

FUCKING cool.

#

FUCK all this shit man

#

The artist i commissioned 90$ on just blocked me
Even after i paid, even after he promised to show me the ā€œsketchā€ he already did

#

Im fucking angry

#

Life is being hard on my bf again too

solemn trout
#

BUT

#

because

#

I put

#

So

#

Much

#

FUCKING

#

trust and kindness into that motherfucker

#

Why does everyone i know always push my efforts away????

#

My kindness

#

My generosity

#

My trust

#

The things not many other people GIVE to artists during commissions

#

Why me???

#

Why fucking me

#

bullshit

#

Thats it

#

im not gonna commission a single damn fucking soul in my life again

#

Not unless they literally PLEAD they will stick with it

#

Ill need to hear them swear by their life first

#

AND BESIDES

#

EVERY ARTIST I COMMISSION IS LITERALLY DEPRESSED
AND IM STARTING TO THINK IM SOME CURSED OMEN

#

Maybe im just unlucky

#

Or im actually a fucking harbinger of sorrow

#

A COMMISSION THAT TOOK

#

FUCKING 3 MONTHS

#

AND I WAITED THE WHOLE TIME WITH MY HEART ON EDGE

#

Yeah because ā€œi want toā€ my fucking ass

#

Fuck you

#

Fuck you Richie

#

I literally have NO reason to be blocked

#

you bastard

#

I am really trying to be kind to myself right now

#

I dont usually get this upset

#

But i DO when someone throws away all the love, trust, respect and generosity i give.
And my motherfucking money

solemn trout
#

And he ruined it all

#

the special moment

#

And oh look theyre friend that commissioned them also fucking blocked me

#

What is wrong with me????

#

why am i such a stain???

#

A fucking problem for everyone?

#

Why am i always put down and forgotten????

#

I hate it

#

Im pissed

#

Upset

#

Angry

#

Im honestly violent in my head right now

#

I guess im just indispensable

no one can fucking change my mind

#

and to make matters worse

#

the commission was supposed to be a gift for my bf

#

An art piece of us both

#

And its just DISCARDED

#

im not going to hurt myself or anything

#

like i always do
I just let the overwhelming anger and emotions steam out of me

#

fuck..

#

Im not sorry for how pissed the mothafuckin off i am

#

Im sorry that im always the problem

solemn trout
#

That ass never deserved my kindness

#

Never deserved any of my respect

#

fucking dickhead

solemn trout
#

Im sad :(

solemn trout
#

It honestly confuses me how im still up and running, still this active and mindful with how bad my sleep is

#

for many months now
I think since January of this year

#

Ive gotten on an average 2-4 hours of sleep every night

#

Ive been running on fumes basically

#

And im still energetic

#

And loving and understanding

#

I dont shut down around others or things

#

Idk

#

Its like i feed off my sleep deprivation

#

Or maybe its the way my brains wired after many certain things

#

one is art

#

#1 tho is being the comfort and support of others

#

staying up all night to help out friends and even a couple strangers

#

over and over

#

And i basically just adapted

solemn trout
#

i dont know how im not breaking

#

mf i am not the main character

#

Lmfao

solemn trout
#

Since he always wakes up from 12-3 am

#

still committed to seeing him every night no matter what

solemn trout
#

Awwooooooo

solemn trout
#

Wooooooff

#

Woof

#

me and my bf played vr chat together for the first time ever

#

earlier today

#

Just us 2 in one room

#

And omfg he is adorable he doesnt know how to play and he has no idea what hes doing to me

#

Thats him^

solemn trout
#

:(

#

bf had to help his friend from offing himself :(

#

gwaah

#

The guys okay

#

My bf doing okay too he said

#

But anytime when this stuff happens my body just shudders

#

And i absorb all the stress he feels

#

and its really really exhausting and i keep burning out

#

Hmmmmmmphhhhh
Im sleepy

solemn trout
#

Bgegeehehrhehehehe

#

Drinkies

#

Hrnfrjejehe

solemn trout
#

Coming home from work absolutely sucked ass..

#

Massive blizzard

#

low visibility is horrible

#

i nearly hit somebody cus of how damn slippery the snow was

#

gosh

#

Well least im home now

#

And work also sucked too

#

low blood sugars, caffeine drop, uhh my vision started to shift like youd imagine reality splitting for half a second

#

Fatigue

#

Physically, mentally, emotionally unprepared for literally anything right now

#

i miss him

#

Ima go draw

solemn trout
#

:3

solemn trout
#

Yknow

#

I just wanna get this off my chest

#

I dont know why ive been feeling so numb

#

Lately

#

Like

#

Im disconnecting

#

Not that i just dont care, no, im thinking its from the constant stress im under

#

My diabetes is one of them

#

A big part of it

#

Being around stress and depression really gets to ya yknow?
Not in a blameful or anything, no pointing fingers

#

I wanna help people

#

Especially my friends

#

But my brain keeps telling me no

#

ā€œBack off you’re already under enough you cant take anymoreā€

#

I know thats straight bullshit

#

even though i still havent a day stress free

#

I just dont know that to do

#

or what to say

#

or how to feel

#

tbh

#

I once wasnt like who i am now

#

Suddenly having this urge of empathy

#

To support and help others even if it breaks me

#

I dont want to feel like im losing that

#

I dont think i am

#

I think my body and brains just overloaded, and burnt out

#

I should get more sleep

#

Eat a little better

#

Spend more time outside than drawing

#

Thankfully my jobs getting better

#

We got a new manager and theyre like times nicer then the last

#

And idk if its like strange

#

But

#

Its been roughly 5 months with my bf now

#

And we havent had a single argument or misunderstanding since

#

Is that good?

#

Ik its weird to ask that

#

Hes still the first relationship i ever had

#

i don’t know alot about how to really do it all

#

Im lowk such a good boy for him

#

Yay gotta put my pump on again

#

keep poking my belly every day and its so another ughhh

#

1,027 clean says fuck you world

#

1,028 in 12 minutes

#

Mrrrp

#

Meowwww

#

Barrkkkk

#

Yet some may wonder how and why i dont hurt myself even with the overwhelming stress and pain

#

and that

#

that

#

So i have this strange fixation on my body

#

I must be in tip top shape or ill feel bad about it and probably do something i wouldnt like

#

So i make schedules
Eat healthy
Try to sleep
Keep my mind clear

#

Workout everyday

#

Etc etc

solemn trout
#

byee

solemn trout
#

😭😭TRUE

bright sun
#

OOH SHIT
SPOTIFY WRAPPED OS OUT

solemn trout
#

So…

#

-# sigh..

#

He just tore his calf

#

fuck

#

My head and chest is pounding

#

whole body aching

#

Im thankful its not entirely torn

#

But just fuck…

#

he cant go to the hospital rn cus its super late and hes sleeping

#

And his mom wouldn’t take him to the hospital cus she said its fine

#

Fuck no

#

Hell fucking no its not fine

#

What the fuck is she thinking

#

Im upset

bright sun
solemn trout
solemn trout
#

ā€œTear his aclā€

#

Go fuck yourself in the ass with a pvc pipe
dickhead

#

that actually just made me sadder

#

Today just fucking sucks

#

the last couple days sucked

#

Thanksgiving sucked

#

Im too sensitive to enjoy anything

solemn trout
#

Me and him lowk

solemn trout
solemn trout
#

Hdhdhdhdhedhehhehehehee

#

Im idjd

#

Like

#

Hehehe

#

drunk

#

Belly hurttt

#

Gaaaawww

#

:(

solemn trout
#

…

#

First time in a while i actually feel like im physically losing myself

solemn trout
#

Just work

#

I dont wanna do this anymore

#

Im done

#

Work was chaotic

#

From the start

#

Im so fucked up right now I don’t even feel like explaining

#

fuck…

solemn trout
#

Uhm

#

I guess

#

There was a ||shootout|| at the middle school near me

#

Officer got hit
The criminal guy got hit so the fucker got in his truck and drove through the front doors of the school😭😭😭

#

What the fuck

bright sun
solemn trout
solemn trout
#

No way someone just said ā€œwhy does samuel L. Jackson always play black guysā€

#

dont care didnt ask + it always jiggles when i walk + im lowki gay

#

like

#

Im not lying the second half

#

Mmmmmeow

#

Arrf

#

Rruf

#

Woof

#

bark

bright sun
#

Are you intoxicated per chance

solemn trout
#

Hihello_there_dotgg_femz

#

Nooo

solemn trout
#

Just watched zootopia 2

#

Theres gonna be a 3rd one

solemn trout
#

WIGGLE WOGGLE

#

:3

solemn trout
#

Just the moment i take my insulin pump off my blood sugars sky rocket to the 400’s

#

It fucking sucks

#

And what’s worse is that my lack of sleep is contributing to my body’s resistance to insulin

#

And having constant high/low blood sugars impacts the brain too

#

So if i ever forget things or am really slow or i get a neurological issue, maybe 2
you’ll know why

#

I just wanna take care of myself

#

Diabetes ruined it all

#

It might even ruin my future with him

#

i hope not

#

Im treating myself as much as i can

solemn trout
#

I can lose the nerve function in my legs

#

Etc etc etc fuck

#

im broken

solemn trout
#

Todays another horrible day

bright sun
solemn trout
#

All i want is him to have a good time

#

so many
Absolutely shitty things happen backtoback

#

And his mood gets down easily

#

If I could i would give him everything
My possessions
My money
My time
My mind
My body
My heart
My literal soul to him

#

Just so he can live happy

#

it just makes me wanna just scream and tear my hair out
Which is probably what i shouldn’t do

#

like i said i feel EVERYTHING he feels
Even just if he goes offline suddenly for a bit or takes longer to respond or talks differently
It triggers me to feel incredibly worried and stressed

#

Because

#

The accidental ptsd our first weeks gave me

#

Of having to take him away from doing really really bad things a couple times im a row

#

and i still get really shaky and my breath deepens and my body just squeezes

#

And just

#

Ill be honest

#

I have a hard time crying anymore

#

just my body physically wont let it out

#

this stress is pounding with my lack of sleep and it just stacks and closes it up

#

and really

#

The amount of love and support and urgent care ive given to numerous people

Ive never really gotten the same back to me. Not saying all the support ive gotten was worthless, its definitely helped me

Its just ive never gotten the amount of support i give to others. And im still waiting for something to happen, so i can finally cry and feel better

solemn trout
#

-11 degrees outsteamhappy

solemn trout
#

Bro none of this shit real look the beer as big as the tree what the fuck

solemn trout
#

Our longest yet

solemn trout
#

DAMN

#

Replaced my old cars exhaust and holy shit does it accelerate fast😭

#

Its a tiny suv with a V6 in it

solemn trout
#

I know what you did logan…

bright sun
solemn trout
#

well

#

My other best friends bf broke up with him

#

and he might ss

#

I don’t know what to do

#

Or say

#

mentally unprepared

#

and honestly burnt out

#

I don’t wanna keep having to be a lifesaver and a therapist

#

this is honestly a responsibility i was NEVER made or meant to hold

#

And over time it has changed me and ruined me

#

But if i just let it go

#

im a bad person

#

And i deserve punishment because i didnt do what i want to do

#

but i just cant

#

my brains foggy

#

And i dont know what to do

#

I wish i wasnt a machine

#

I know i have help, like my friends and bf

But i just dont feel like i deserve it by asking. I domt wanna bother, even though i know it wont bother them.

#

i just have like this complex where i can do everything by myself as best as can be

#

yeah

#

im a bad person

#

When a close friend attempts

#

I dont feel like attempting too. I just feel ALL the stress and pain from it, inside of me

#

And i don’t have any way of washing it out

#

what the fuck is wrong with me

#

im gonna go cry to myself in the shower

#

Or at least try to cry

#

if i cant ill just sit there and scream

#

ok

#

No ones ever took the weights off my shoulders like i did to others

But i still love and wrap around others help, they all help me

I just never got treated exactly the way i treat others. The amount of love and support i can give, the steadiness and consistency, the reliability i give off

I was never shown that, not even now

#

I mourn

#

I wish there were others out there like me

#

I exist to support

#

okay

#

shower now

#

bye

solemn trout
#

Im sorry if i made any of you who help me feel bad or worthless

#

im sorry

#

thankies fren

bright sun
solemn trout
solemn trout
#

Im such a mess

#

I still have the problem where i struggle being around other people’s affection

#

my bf is gone rn and his phones dead

#

This morning his parents yelled at him again because of just simppe things and it ruined his morning

#

And it ruined my night too

#

Why do i feel so much

#

Why johnny

#

Why

#

Id do ANYTHING for him to have things better, just easier

#

im in a constant mix of happiness and distress and sadness and biglove

solemn trout
#

Meow

solemn trout
#

JOHNNY

#

YAOI KING, KING OF YAOI

#

PRAISE BE

#

PRAISE BE!

solemn trout
#

i don’t know anymore

#

Ill be honest

#

everyone whove seen me here don’t really know me

Everything you see me doing ehioe around me, well..most things(its different when im drunk)
Ive been keeping a content mask on, just a happy im doing my best mask

#

i am doing my best

#

and i wont stop

#

because people need help

#

And..

#

I know if i dont take a break

#

itll break me hard

#

But I just cant stop

#

Its my instinct to give those i love the support they need at any given time

#

and when i burn out, and cant help no matter how hard i push
I hate myself for that

#

It makes me think im just surviving to help others feel better

#

But i dunno

#

Im too empathetic

#

but i wont give up

solemn trout
#

I feel a little better

#

Wifi cut out the whole day so i barely got to talk to him

#

Except for some small moments and before he slept

#

He was at a football game(soccer) and his team won

#

so im happy hes happy

solemn trout
#

Ok so

#

he reminded me that i promised him id sleep earlier

#

I am gonna sleep earlier

#

Which

#

Is hard

#

Because i wont be able to see him when he wakes up

#

but we both agree it being for the better

Bad sleep and sleep deprivation fucks up my diabetes ALOT

#

Makes my brain foggy and makes my memory waver, i get extra fatigued all the time and some nerves can die, my resistance to insulin will skyrocket and ill be dangerously high for possibly days, etc. Etc. Etc.

#

it really sucks i cant be there with him…but i have to sleep, he needs me to sleep

#

I wanna be there for him on the long run

#

Not with something that can hurt me and stop that

solemn trout
#

Dude these leggings

solemn trout
#

AI is not ā€œartā€
Its an image
An ai image

#

Grow a brain

solemn trout
#

HAPPY MUTHAFUCKIN BIRDTHDAY LOGAN @bright sun @bright sun @bright sun

solemn trout
bright sun
#

YIPPEE

solemn trout
bright sun
solemn trout
#

I wonder what my bf got me for Christmas

#

He’s across the ocean and doesnt have alot of money, and well, his mother could see

#

Which i assume could be bad but idk for sure

#

I got him a lot of things

#

Like 5 maybe 6 things

#

I

#

Well

#

Well i don’t really mind if he didnt get me anything

#

But i also really hope he did..

#

no one will as far as i know, no family

#

i might just buy something i want and get hella drunk over my ass at night and wrap it up, then wake up and forget what i just did

#

And wake up to a present

solemn trout
#

Me and my thigh highs cannot be defeated

solemn trout
#

:(

#

I miss him

#

idk if I did anything wrong

#

he didn’t respond to my goodnight message and hes at work and hasn’t responded to me since

solemn trout
#

Im crying

#

gosh my eyes burn

#

damnit

#

Just sitting in the car

solemn trout
#

Tired
Exhausted
Sad
Lonely
Envious

#

cmonnn

#

:(

#

My legs and back are absolutely throbbing too

solemn trout
#

i was going to have a good night with my bf
But then those two shamefully obese hoarder ass prune ass fuckers ruined it and now my moods bottom line

#

hah

#

i hope youre happy

#

Because no shit will ever bring me down

#

try me

#

pussy

solemn trout
#

Holy shit sometimes pleaaaee rub my bellay

#

Just watched the new Avatar

#

Best one so far

#

I hope they make a 4th one

#

maybe desert or underground Na’vi

#

Would be awesome

solemn trout
solemn trout
#

Well

#

i was gonna have a good day

#

Until someone pinged me a video of a dude having a ||rectal prolapse with a fucking horse toy||
And now its stuck in my head
And i cant get it out
Why do i always have to be mentally traumatized back to back its just bullshit

#

First gore
Then accusation
Then a sexual shock vid

#

Im just gonna try and distract myself with games

#

Hopefully i get to talk with my bf longer tomorrow

solemn trout
burnt snow
#

uh i didnt read anything but i wanted to say cool cow šŸ„¹āœŒļø

solemn trout
#

Dudeeeee

#

😭😭

burnt snow
#

is it okay if i lowkey steal him

#

idk but uhmm stay whimsical stay jolly stay joyous šŸ„¹šŸ„¹āœŒļøāœŒļø

solemn trout
solemn trout
#

sigh

#

Idkw

#

But rn is just

#

heavy

#

Thanks logan<3/p

#

Its just

#

He said he just feels tired 24/7
and its concerning me
Not in a bad way, just, in a worried loving way

#

He doesnt know what it is

#

The last days have been bad for him

#

I wish i could carry his pain, his tiredness

#

But i know that wouldn’t be good for either of us

#

Im not trying to ā€œfixā€ any of it

#

Im just worried

#

I just wanna make sure hes okay despite him saying he is

#

Im too sensitive for my own good
I say that alot because its just the honest truth

#

Even a tiny change in capitalization or tone in his texts triggers me

#

Ive been too hyper vigilant for too long

#

Half a decade till im able to just wake up beside him

#

Or something

#

Idk the time rn

#

Why do i feel like a nuisance to him, making him tired and down

I know thats not the truth, but i just cant not think about it

#

Idk if he had a good Christmas or not

#

He rlly loved my gifts tho

#

Man

#

i wanna just sleep

#

hes been sleeping alot later than he usually does

#

Like

#

Waking up later i mean

#

Maybe its cus of his tiredness

#

I hope it is
Because id hate for it to be his depression rising again

#

I can help him if it is

#

Ive quite literally built an emotional armor that says fuck you to every other emotion other than sadness, blank, and worry.
Ive basically devoted part of my brain to just being his emotional support animal or wtv

#

My brain basically makes exceptions for my body and diabetes to be able to withstand more and more stress and difficulties

#

but

#

I know

#

He’ll hate this if he finds out

#

he wants me to be healthy too

#

And im trying

#

But its hard to get out of the cycle i made

#

Like its just firebranded to my lobe

#

I

#

just.

#

.

#

im tired too

#

Not of him

#

Just tired

#

The same as he is
dont know why

#

But im more concerned at why hes constantly tired than i am

solemn trout
#

Idk

#

Just

#

Listen to this

#

Its the only way i know how to express my emotions right now

solemn trout
#

He’ll wake up in 2 or 3 hours

#

But idk if im able to stay awake

#

i no wanna sleep..

#

Man i dont even wanna talk in chat here either despite a couple of my friends are there

bright sun
solemn trout
#

ill try

#

Gosh

#

My eyes arw closing on themselves

solemn trout
#

Another
despising day

solemn trout
#

ANOTHER FUCKING DESPISING DAY

solemn trout
#

And he is has to go

#

For a while

#

Fuck

#

just fucking god

#

My morning’s ruined

#

Whole day is fucking ruined

#

And no one is talking to me

#

I really need someone to just hug

#

Fuck

#

I hate it

#

My stress will never go away

#

because no one that i know of has the kind of empathetic and genuine supportive capacity that i have, and that’s what i need to calm down

#

My bodys literally built a fucking wall around every other feeling and emotion

#

dumb fucking johnny

#

Dumb stupid weak pathetic motherfucking johnny

#

I don’t even know anymore

tender shell
#

One please burger cheese

solemn trout
#

Don’t talk in here unless you have a reason to

#

This unironically just made me worse
I don’t have the energy to talk anymore

#

fucking dammit

#

Now ill just keep all my stress in

#

Its self deteriorating to hold in all this stress but idfc

#

ill just type until its just me

#

Chfhfhfbf

#

Ff

#

G

#

H

#

H

#

Hs

#

Gt

#

S

#

c

#

Dch