Fps' Journal

[quick moat]

And even then im still struggling constantly

I was 19 when I finally started doing anything in my life

And even then my best friend died earlier that year

Despite that I got my GED

Somehow

Against all odds

I managed to get a piece of my life together

I still dont know what to do

After that ive just been lost

Just been wasting day after day

Depressive episode after another, suicidal ideation after another, anxiety attacks one after another

Hard to tell if im making progress anymore

I guess I found out I have a real talent for digital art

I guess I understand my emotions better

Still doesnt mean I know how to fix anything

Just that I know what to avoid

Not surprised I have to avoid my own mother

At this point

Im not surprised I have a very deep hatred for her

Nothing good comes to mind

I have more fond memories of my abusive alcoholic father

But thats cause he changed

He's a good person

He realized that what he was doing wasn't ok and neither was the woman he married

I love my dad

Part of the reason I even have any amount of motivation is because of him

My mom though

She hasn't changed at all

Still the same narcissistic, neglectful, manipulative person shes always been

I dont understand why either of my siblings care for her

Shes the reason I even have a place to live or anything but that doesnt give her the right to treat me the way she does and expect me to respect her

Shes the reason im like this in the first place

And for that I'll never let go of my hatred

Thats saying something

I hate her more than I hate myself

Atleast I feel a little better ranting about this bullshit

If only I had a bottle of whiskey

At the very least I have a pack of Marlboro reds

[quick moat]

I got heartaches by the number~

Fallout is great

Even if they reconn the lore 🥀

Slowly climbing out of the hole ive dug myself

One Marlboro red at a time

No but seriously im slowly getting better

Trying not to smoke

So far I only do it if im falling apart

Something about cigarettes just feels nice

I know theyre terrible but I dont have anything that takes the edge off like them

Not like vaping is any better

I cant quit

Feels like I cant even get up anymore without taking a hit

I know that drugs and alcohol arent the way to go

But I cant help myself anymore

It literally feels like I cant go a single day without nicotine

I know that isnt true

Anyone can quit

Right now feels like a terrible time to do that

My mental health isnt exactly in a place where I can take withdrawals

Then again

I quit opioids

I can probably quit nicotine

Just have to find it in myself to do it

Thats the hard part

I can just buy more vapes and cigs

But with percs and the hardstuff its harder to get

So its easier to quit in a way

Plus super expensive

Fucking pack of cigarettes is barely 10 bucks

And a good vape is only 20

Its my own fault for giving into it

But at the same time

When a person has nothing else to lose and wants to dull their pain by anymeans

Then it doesnt matter, does it

Atleast I dont feel so damn depressed right now

Life feels bearable

Man what I would do for a bottle of whiskey

Liquor on the other hand

That shits liquid bliss in a container

While also being poison

Surprised im not buying it more often

But then again

I can drink all of it in two days

Nicotine lasts me way longer

Nice treat to have every once in a while but thats about it

Hopefully things get better

Well

They are

Just gotta hope they dont get worse

[quick moat]

Arknights Endfield is amazing

Gives me another reason to not take a bunch of pills and wash it down with tequila

Game looks majestic

And some stuff could be better but i like it so far

Its my 3rd gatcha game so far

Started with zzz then wuwa and now Arknights

And fuck genshin

Games outdated as hell

And it just ain't it for me

Anyways

I also am gonna go out again with that same girl again

Next week I think