No one wants to talk to me
#Fps' Journal
quick moat
Im drowning in my own thoughts and im starting to lose it, nothing is getting better, I know im the one who has to make an effort in making things better but I cant do it, I just cant all I do is numb the pain and hide away from whats always there in the back of my mind, I want to die and I dont know how to make these thoughts go away, I wish it was so simple where I could just write, draw, watch videos or anime, play games, listen to music, pick up a hobby and just live my life but I cant im tired of people telling me that all the time because im not a normal fucking person im so sick and tired of people telling me the same thing every time I vent or tell them anything about my life or how I feel, they dont know what its like living like this, im in constant pain and turmoil no matter what I fucking do, borderline personality disorder isnt something you just overcome it stays with you for the rest of your life and it makes things impossible, one moment I could be fine and then the next I have the most crippling loneliness and depression and suicidal ideation just because of one little thought or action or word said to me, and even when I talk to people with the same mental illness they dont even think to consider that it isnt the same for everyone, everyone suffers in their own way, I hate those people the most they always say the most obvious shit imaginable, "distract yourself" "talk to people" "try different things". IVE TRIED, and it pisses me off even more when they say I haven't, im 20 years old and ive been dealing with these issues since I was 11, in and out of treatment for years and they have the audacity to say that, I could have the most caring and understanding parents and support and I will still fall apart, I worked so hard to get to where I am now, and people still say im not doing enough, im trying my best to not drown and keep my head held up high even when my brain is telling me to kms or hurt myself, im trying, im so tired of it, I just want it to end
quick moat
Ive gotten better at recognizing when im starting to fall apart and ive gotten better at picking up the pieces afterwards but its a constant cycle, I may be stronger as a person now then I was before but it doesn't mean im gonna stay strong forever because all things come to an end one way or another, bit by bit I crumble to dust no matter how hard I try to keep going, Im trying my best, I really am, I wish someone was here to comfort me, just like she used to, Katlin... my dear friend, I always think about her, doesn't make me sad anymore but I still wish I had someone like that in my life because doing this without someone like that is difficult, those memories are so precious to me, I dont think she ever knew how much she meant to me I sound like a broken record just saying this again, from the moment we met at that facility she changed my life, just by inviting me to play cards at the gym, then talking every single day for those 4 months we spent together, getting to know each other, you were and still are the only person who ever understood me completely, always knew what to say to me even when things got hard, even when I melted down at the Pavillion you were there for me and tried to help, always asked how I was, always wanted to talk about life, our bucket list, even when I gave you a note about how I felt and asked you not to talk about it, you asked me if I needed you, you always were there, even after we left that place you stayed, and we still talked and called every night no matter what time it was, you taught me how to take care of myself more, even if my cooking skills were shit, always made my day, always made me feel wanted, its a shame you had to die so soon, I wish we could've done our bucket list and been friends til the end of time, but I know life is cruel at times, and it did teach me alot about what matters in a relationship with someone platonic or romantic, one day I hope to meet someone like you again if not better than you, we'll meet again someday I know we will,
I grieve in stereo~
The stereo sounds strange~
I know that if you hide~
It doesn't go away~
When you get out of bed~
You'll find me standing all alone~
Open eyed horrified~
Still one of my favorite songs
Cause I sure as hell am going through a little dark age
quick moat
Im trying my best
But it isnt enough
Something in my chest feels empty~
Slipping in and out of memory~
Can't remember where they left me~
Screaming to myself dont let me go~
sigh
quick moat
I grieve in stereo~ the stereo sounds strange~
You know that if it hides it doesn't go away~
Ive been slowly feeling better lately
But at the same time
I dont really have anyone to talk to or play with still and its irritating the shit out of me
Been thinking about my 21st birthday
Since its only about a month away now
I dont know how to feel about it
Im still not a functional adult
Sure I act like it and I sound like I know what im doing but I have no clue what to do with my life
I dont want to be like this for the rest of my life
It isnt a way to live
Not like I was living to begin with
I dont know
Maybe im just meant to be this way
Doesn't matter what I do to improve my life nothing changes
Only thing that changes is my bank account balance and my age
I haven't made any new friends in 6 years now
Sure I meet new people and all but they dont stick around long
Everyone leaves at some point for one reason or another
Everytime I meet someone new they never have the same interests as me or have an already established friend group
Or both
Besides it feels like people my age act like theyre better than me
Not my fault I was struggling almost my whole life and only picked up the pieces 2 years ago
I guess the only thing I can really blame myself on is my friends death
Its weird talking to people
I dont even know how to describe it
Just feels like everyone is actually an idiot
At this point its extremely easy to see people's intentions
Or just how they feel
Wish someone would prove me wrong
That there really are people who are genuine
Im not perfect myself
So im not one to talk
quick moat
I wonder if anyone keeps track of this at all
I just vent about whatever is troubling me
Or talk about all the ups and downs going on in my life
Hardly even remember what my first entry was
Or most of what I put in here
Ive been trying to make new friends on servers but I haven't had any luck
In the meantime ive just been playing Stalker 2 again and ive been having so much fun
quick moat
I finally finished stalker 2
And now I feel empty inside
The game was phenomenal
But now I have to fill the void it left
quick moat
Went to my dads house and had a good time
quick moat
Really wish I had someone to talk to
I'd do anything for a cringe discord relationship
quick moat
What is life even worth to me?
I feel like I ask myself that question alot
On one hand it can be one of the most pleasant things and its a blessing
And on the other hand it feels like its pain and suffering with a few happy moments
Im not even that old and yet I feel like I have enough life experience to be able to decide my own fate
I know it isnt true
But I cant help but think
Is it really worth the trouble to suffer anymore than I already have
Ive seen people go through far worse than me well into their 60s
And they've all told me the same thing
That they have so many regrets and that they wish they could've done better
And that it was too late for them
That all they wanted at that point was a release
I know it isnt too late for me
But at the same time
Its not worth the trouble
Say even if I did get my life together and I had lots of friends, a partner, a job then what?
Just be happy?
It sounds so easy
Talk to people
Apply for jobs
Try and improve
But it never has been easy
And it never will be and I dont expect it to be
There is always ups and downs
I just dont know if I want to
Life has always been a very tumultuous thing for me and now it feels like I'm at a dead end
And if not a dead end then a crossroad
One where I have to decide to give up or endure more than I have for a small chance to improve my life and live the way ive always wanted
I just dont know if I have it in me
And even then
Will I end up like those people who are 60 and haven't done shit and have just been through hell?
I want to end my life still
That thought has never left my mind
Not once
It always comes back to haunt me
But as my favorite Russian author once said
"To live without hope is to cease to live"
And that hope is fading
I wont lie or deny that I haven't lost hope at some points in my life and I have attempted to take my own life but even then some small amount of dying light shines in the darkness of it all
And it pulls me back from the abyss
But then I start struggling to even keep my head held high
And it starts all over again
The cycle is never ending
I really wish for a miracle sometimes
I sit here and just wish that something or someone would take me away from this nightmare in some way
But I know that isnt the way things work in this world
I had a dream once
Where I went back to when it all started and did things differently and it all turned out just the way I wanted it
But it was too good to be true
And I woke up in a hospital bed with an IV and my mom sitting next to me holding my hand crying and my brother standing over me
That moment broke me
Not because of my family
But because I was hit with reality and had to keep living
When I think back on that moment I regret not taking more pills
Nothing good has come from me surviving that or the next attempts
I feel like ive come to accept that this is my life now
But I definitely disapprove
I almost forgot but I made a date on my calendar and I made it right after that first overdose attempt
It said to decide
Decide whether or not its worth living
And it detailed exactly how I wanted to end my life if I chose to end it
I honestly dont even know what to think about that
I want things to get better
I really do
But Im just so tired of suffering day after day with nothing changing no matter how hard I try
Its hard to believe I made the date almost 3 years ago
And now here we are
The year 2025
I never thought I'd make this far
Not once
Ive been through quite a bit haven't I
I think
I want to keep going
I hope I wont regret this decision
Feels like every choice I make is the wrong one
Guess we'll see
quick moat
I keep having nightmares and ptsd from back then
Feels like every little thing reminds me of that time
It feels like im back at that exact moment I got put into long term
Music I used to enjoy gives me flashbacks
Food and drinks reminds me of a certain moment
Even the games I play
Everything feels eerily familiar
Even the way people speak to me
The way things look
Its almost like someone put a filter on
And the hallucinations wont stop
I slept all day yesterday
And I felt so tired
Like my body weighed a tonne
Everytime I woke up it didnt feel real
I felt so out of place
It still does
I feel like im losing my sanity
I keep feeling like something is watching me
Im losing my appetite
Feels like everything is so dull and grey
I feel like shit
Reminds me when I had serotonin syndrome after I od
This doesnt feel right
I want it to end
I need it to end
quick moat
Its my birthday tomorrow
I'll be turning 21 years old
A little happy about it since I'll be going out alot and I'll be getting presents
If it wasnt for that I probably wouldn't be very optimistic about it
quick moat
Today was nice
Im officially 21
I actually had alot of people wish me happy birthday
It was so surprising
I dont remember the last time I woke up to so many messages
Made me feel so happy
I wish it was like that everyday
quick moat
This has been the best weekend ever so far
Drank some whiskey
And had a bunch of beer yesterday
Some more today and went to a restaurant
And tomorrow im going to my dads place and have a cookout
And obviously have some tequila
Pre ordered arc raiders
Excited for that
quick moat
My heart is caving in
And my lungs don't seem to fill like they used to
I think back to where I've been
I'm forgetting what it's like to be near you
While I walk over broken glass in the attic
Bleeding through the static
Terrified to keep living without it
Watch the memories replay in slow-mo
It's better if you don't know
What it's like inside this dissonance buried alive
I cover my eyes cus it's too much
To keep track of time when I can't keep up
I'm bleeding inside from an old cut
I'm bleeding inside it's a flash flood
It's a flash flood
I cover my eyes cus it's too much
To keep track of time when I can't keep up
I'm bleeding inside from an old cut
I'm bleeding inside it's a flash flood
I remember trading innocence
And the evidence of my peace of mind
Now these voices keep me up at night
Yeah these voices keep me up at night
Watch the memories replay in slow-mo
It's better if you don't know
What it's like inside this dissonance buried alive
I cover my eyes cus it's too much
To keep track of time when I can't keep up
I'm bleeding inside from an old cut
I'm bleeding inside it's a flash flood
It's a flash flood
I cover my eyes I cover my
I cover my eyes I cover my
I cover my eyes I cover my
I cover my eyes I cover my
Mitchel Dae songs hit so hard
I dont even remember when I started listening to him
I just remember the first song was Psychosis and I loved it
That was 2 years ago I think
Maybe 3
My favorite ones are Psychosis, Decorate, Flash Flood, Innocent, and Neck
There's more and theyre pretty good too
I swear I always have these playing on repeat
Just brings me some comfort for some reason
Even if these lyrics are kinda... dark?
Is that the right word
Probably not
Was thinking along the lines of that but tbh its more relatable to me if anything
I was gonna say sad but like its not exactly sad
Hmm I really dont know the word
Oh well
After my birthday and celebrating it I cant help but feel empty again
Cause now theres nothing to look forward to
Christmas is always kinda bad
But maybe it'll be different
My mom always gets me clothes
And it sounds nice and all but like
The clothes suck ass and she already gets me clothes every other week
BUT
The socks are always nice
Cause they always go missing somehow
And I literally don't wear anything asides from the same 5 outfits
Ive tried to wear some of it but like she also gets the ones with shitty designs on them
And the quality is pretty bad too
Occasionally she does get some good stuff
I know im a grown adult and I can always go buy it myself but I cant because 1 I dont have money and 2 she refuses to buy anything I like unless I ask like 20 times and I hate asking
At this point she should just give me the money she was gonna spend
Cause bro I dont need more clothes ๐ญ
My dressers are getting too damn full
And I dont wanna assemble another one ๐ฅ
Atleast my dad gives me money straight up
Always does
And my mom got mad at me on my birthday cause I said I didnt want more clothes
Like bro I have too much
And she gave me clothes im never gonna wear
If it was stuff I liked then I would've been fine with it but all of it was so shit
Except the socks
Cause again they always get lost
I hate when she does that
Ive repeatedly told her not to and she does it anyways
She does this to a point where it isnt ok
I know its cause she has a hoarder mentality
She literally has an entire closet full of clothes,4 dressers full, and 3 laundry baskets full, and then her bed is covered with clothes she never wears
And not to mention the 2 boxes under the bed
And thats just the start ๐
Fucking living room is always full of shit we dont need
Fridge and freezer is always full of shit no one eats
And the worst part is that since we dont throw it out it rots
So then it smells absolutely horrid until she finally cleans it out
Same with the pantry
Full of cans and boxes no one uses
WE TELL HER NOT TO SO MANY TIMES
That she shouldn't get so much shit we dont need
I swear I can just go on about all the shit that she does
And she says shes doing her best but like bro
She doesnt even work that much
I cant say shit
Since yk im unemployed
But still
My brother works night shift 8 to 10 hours a day at taco bell AND is a full time college student
Meanwhile she works like 20 hours a week ๐ฅ
She doesnt cook or clean either
Literally does zero chores
I know i sound like an asshole but like how is that her best
Shes doesnt even have health problems
And I know for a fact she isnt depressed
Or anything like that
Man I remember I went to tradeschool AND got my GED WHILE I was actively dying
And apparently im the lazy one
Its not my fault my body is actively trying to kill me ๐ฅ
Especially rn
Everything hurts
And i dont mean cause I got drunk
No no
Its been hurting for weeks
Had to go to the hospital 2 weeks ago cause my fucking knee decided it wanted to die on me
It popped so fucking bad I couldn't walk
And it hurt like a bitch
And apparently all of my muscles and ligaments are extremely weak ๐ฅฒ
Well more like fragile
Cause I can literally bend slightly wrong or something and it hurts so bad
Ngl typing on my phone actually hurts
Not my hands
But cause the way im holding my phone
It means im bending my elbows and it fucking aches
I think the only time it doesnt hurt is when im laying on my back completely flat
Dont even get me started on my back
Feels like im 80 years old
Its over bro
My knees suck, my back sucks, and my joints suck
Except my hands ๐ญ
How is that the one thing that got saved
Probably from all the gaming ๐
Made my hands extra strong ๐
Well time to stop yapping cause holy fuck it hurts
Ima sleep since its 5am now
quick moat
I hate my life
I dont know why this happens
One minute im fine then I feel like i want to end it all
I shouldn't be sad
I shouldn't feel this way
The voices wont stop
I cant sleep
Im so tired
quick moat
Doing somewhat better
I hate the psychotic episodes
Istg im going schizo
Feels like it gets worse
I cant even tell anymore
I haven't talked to a therapist in god knows how long
Let alone any psychiatric people
Last time was when I overdosed back in May
And had to since I was in the psych ward
I know I have bpd
But my episodes shouldn't be this bad
They should only last a couple hours
But it feels like they last days
My longest one was 8 days
I never brought it up with any of them
Back when it first started when I was 16 it used to last a couple hours
Then over time it got worse slowly
Went from 3 to 6 hour episodes
To one or two days about a year after
Then when I went to long term it lasted almost a week every time
Then after my friend died it lasted 8 days then it was just emptiness
Since then its always been 3 day episodes
Or 5
I remember a long time ago they said i had schizoaffective symptoms but then they said something about it being unlikely
Which i hope is fucking true
I dont need my life to get any worse than it already is
I highly doubt that I actually have anything worse than bpd
Feels like i would've noticed
Maybe im just really stressed still
Probably been bottling this shit up too long
Always do
Easier to pretend im fine to everyone than to admit im dying inside
Quite literally at this point
But so far I haven't had any health issues
Well
Any issues that I'll die from
Just my fucking joints
And a toothache again
Probably gonna need another root canal
Maybe they'll give me more oxy
That'd be nice
quick moat
I have been struggling to sleep the past week
This sucks
I keep feeling tired then just getting a jolt to my brain and just staying awake
And I can never sleep a normal amount
Always over 12 hours or under 6
Im trying to fix this but its getting harder to
At this point im about to give up and just let it run its course
On the brightside I made it to Tarkov 1.0
Even if it cost me a part of my soul
I keep fucking dissociating
Yesterday I couldn't stop crying in the morning
Just kept getting bad memories
I dont even know why
I just started remembering things and it hurt
And I had to pretend I was fine in front of my mom
Even though I just cried alot
Then had to pretend in front of my sister
Then to my brother
I had to walk away cause it hurt too much
Then I just... I dont know it just went blank after that
quick moat
Are you starving so like me?
You're the reason I don't eat
You're the rot, ah
God, I'm so in love with my disease
Are you crawling through my dreams?
You're the reason I don't sleep
You're the rot, rot
Agony is seeping through your teeth
Your touch cuts when I beg too much
Carve your name into my chest
make it last, no rush
Your love rots when I touch too much
Twist my thoughts
share your pain
Make me yours
that's the game, ah
Deep red stains, bitter ecstasy
Bleed my veins, keep your hands on me
I will make excuses when you use me for my friends to see
Shed my skin and soul just to be the thing you need from me
Are you starving so like me?
You're the reason I don't eat
You're the rot, ah
God, I'm so in love with my disease
Are you crawling through my dreams?
You're the reason I don't sleep
You're the rot, rot
Agony is seeping through your teeth
Now I'm begging on my knees
Baby, you could never leave
Now I pull you under, pull you under, pull you under
Now we're cutting at the seams
We're the death we choose to keep
Now you pull me under, pull me under, put me down
Are you starving so like me?
You're the reason I don't eat
You're the rot, ah
God, I'm so in love with my disease
Are you crawling through my dreams?
You're the reason I don't sleep
You're the rot, rot
Agony is seeping through your
Are you starving so like me?
You're the reason I don't eat
You're the rot, ah
God, I'm so in love with my disease
Are you crawling through my dreams?
You're the reason I don't sleep
You're the rot, rot
Agony is seeping through your teeth
New favorite song
Started smoking cigarettes too
I guess ive given up if this is how low im going
Next step is hard drugs
Wouldn't be the first time
I just, I just cant
Im so tired of this life
It doesnt feel worth living
Like a bad dream
I just want to wake up
I need it to end
Im trying so hard to keep going
Im hanging on by a thread
I can feel my sanity get worse and worse
Feel like my mind is tearing itself apart
If this isnt psychosis I dont know what is
quick moat
Had my first episode where I completely lost control
I dont even remember what happend
It just started going black
And then next thing I know I wake up in bed
Wasn't even bad
Just felt weird
Felt like I was dissociating but worse
That was like 2 days ago
Still feel like shit
Thanksgiving was mid as usual
Mostly cause we dont celebrate
Atleast I got a new game today
Played alot with my friend
Mostly been playing with him since he got eft
Been kinda nice
But playing with someone and talking to someone are two different things
So if anything just makes life a little more tolerable
I also drew this and I really like it
I remember the days I used to be a new vegas fanboy
"I got that big iron on my hip"
Excited for season two of the show
I guess thats something
One of my friends blocked me for some reason and that kinda sucks
Haven't talked to them in like a month and when I tried to it said the error message
And I couldn't friend them
So weird though
Literally did nothing wrong
Not too upset about it
Then again they've been so weird ever since they broke up with my other ex friend
Still kinda wild she cheated on him
Both of them we're hella weird
Still cant believe my friend of 9 years blocked me last month
Like not even upset if anything im very very happy about it
Cause he was weird and a piece of shit
Tried to help him as much as I could all the while I have my own shit to deal with
And all he does is complain everytime I talked to him
I rarely mention any of my issues in conversations
Unless its relevant to the conversation or its actually important
Even then this asshole didnt give a shit I tried to overdose
Or had to get surgery
Instead he wanted me to just put aside everything for him just so he could be like "nah I dont wanna do anything about it and im so depressed all the time" like genuinely shut the fuck up
Normally I would be kind and empathetic but like its been like that for so long and he never takes my advice
And he can do better but he doesnt want to at all
And I understand lack of motivation and stuff but he literally had almost everything on a silver plater and he just complained about it, like the fuck you want me to do
And then he always used the adhd excuse
I LITERALLY HAVE ADHD ALSO
And I dont blame it at all for any of my shortcomings
And then not to mention he always said he has no friends but he does zero effort to meet people
I can just go on and on about all the things he does
It irritates me so badly
Feels good to just vent about it cause fuck me it just makes me angry
Anyways
Time to sleep and then get drunk tomorrow
quick moat
Well for once I have good news
My mental health has been improving again
Or at the very least it doesnt feel like I have dementia
Always hard to describe it
But I dont feel as bad as I did a few days ago
Definitely noticed that im not dissociating
Then again maybe because the past few days have been very nice
Day after Thanksgiving I went to go see my dad
And we ate some good food
And then went to my aunts house to see my grandma on his side of the family
Was nice to see her again
Last time I saw her was...
...After my friend died and I overdosed
She was very happy to see me
She knows how much ive been through these past couple years
Even though we arent close she cares about me
Mostly because she loves my dad, her son, and she knows if I die then a part of my dad dies along with me
I still remember the day I saw her last
She was crying because of what I did
I felt terrible
And my cousins and my aunt were there and I know it must've made them feel bad
Other than that I dont remember much
My memory is still very foggy from that time period
Mostly since I had serotonin syndrome and hard to tell what was real and what wasnt
But
Anyways
It was nice to see her again
Made me very happy
And i guess that's why im feeling better
Been a decent while since ive felt happy now
And Christmas is coming soon so I am kinda excited about that aswell along with season 2 of the fallout show
Im getting another Rem figure
My brother is getting me something
And I guess other presents too
Its something to look forward to
I know how important it is to have something like that
Because if I dont then life just feels pointless
At this point I just want to live my life
I want to live my life without anyone telling me im not good enough, without being told I need to do better, without being told I need to do things
I already know that theres room for improvement
No point in making me feel that way
Making me feel like a failure
Ive already had to feel enough pain in my life I dont need any more unnecessary suffering
I know there will be days I have to make hard choices
I know there will be days where I'll have to do things I dont want to
I know there will be days where things are out of my control
I just have to learn to accept that
And I know it isnt easy
It never has been
Its always been a very slow and painful process
Took me until I was 19 to get my diploma
Took me until I was 20 to learn how to live with myself
And now its taken me until im 21 years old to accept how life is
And probably gonna take me another year to start improving my life again
Still hard to believe im 21 years old
I dont feel like an adult
And yet im told that im one of the most emotionally mature people
Other than that I dont know what the fuck im doing
Only ever worked one job my whole life
Dont own a car or pay bills
Only thing notable is the fact ive almost died 6 times now
But even then I doubt its anything to be proud about
I know people have been through way worse than me
I know I shouldn't compare myself
But if I really think about it ive only fell and scraped my knee in terms of suffering
While theres people on that scale who've been through some crazy shit
I would know
Ive talked with people who've lost everything
It does bring some comfort knowing that things could be worse but they arent
Im trying my best
I know it doesnt seem like alot
But I think ive come a long way
Even though my last suicide attempt was in may
I haven't cut myself in a year and a half now
And im starting to understand myself better
But at the same time ive started smoking/vaping and drinking alcohol
And im pretty sure im addicted to nicotine now
Always tell myself im gonna stop but I end up taking a blinker the next day
And then I get another one
And then another
Been doing a good job not drinking alcohol though
Ive only drank a few times since I turned 21
Mostly cause im afraid of the consequences
I have very weak kidneys and im pretty sure my livers not doing too good either
Still remember the acute kidney failure after the second OD
Fucking vomiting is the worst
And that reminds me
Im still throwing up every other week
Idk what the hell is wrong with my digestive system
Im fine for a bit then next thing I know im in extreme pain and nausea
I haven't been to a GI doctor in a while so I wouldnt know until I see one and get a colonoscopy
Im gonna crashout if I need surgery in the next year or two
Cause I absolutely hated getting cut open, waking up mid surgery, excruciating pain, cant fucking move for a whole day, then cant walk for more than 5 minutes for a month, running out of pain meds, then opioid withdrawals, then last but not least complete pain in the ass to do basic hygiene for the the entire time
Couldn't even fucking shower properly
Honestly was complete bliss once I could take a shower
Ever since I value my shower time by 10 fold
I cant imagine having to struggle that bad for longer than a month
No wonder terminally ill people pull the plug
I couldn't stand it so I cant imagine how they feel
Makes me grateful
That I get to live life normally
Well as normal as it gets
Definitely should be more grateful for the little things in life
Like I always say
Things can be worse
Alot worse
Well
Thats enough yapping
Time to get some rest
Goodnight to any readers here
quick moat
Im bored at the moment
Dont really know what to do
I wanna play games but it feels like no one wants to play with me
Or the games just dont feel the same
Was so excited for 1.0 eft
And now I dont even wanna play it
And my friends are busy
I hate asking in general
But now it feels like im always bothering
Felt like having a breakdown earlier so that didnt help
I really need more people to talk to and play with
But not having luck
Everyone only plays roblox or Minecraft
And people I start talking to have zero common interests
I used to always play MC but its just so boring
Ive already been through so many phases and modpacks its just meh to me
And roblox is just knockoff games
If I wanted to play that game I could always just play it
Not the knock off but the real version
And the games are always just watered down aswell
There's been a couple times ive played some unique games but even then its not enough to keep me playing
Ive just been getting high these last 2 days
Helps alot with the anxiety and depression
Kinda going away now but its helped alot
Honestly dont know what to do anymore
My drive to do anything is just gone
But at the same time its cause I dont feel forced to
In a good way but also bad ways
Like I really want to do something but then im thinking whats the point
Bruh how'd I go from nihilism to absurdism
"Nothing matters ๐ญ" to "Nothing matters ๐"
Im not used to it
I definitely need some social interaction rn
I really feel like talking and chilling with someone
But like
I ain't got friends who are free
Mannnn this sucks
Its kinda annoying me
Im going to my dads place tomorrow so hopefully that helps
quick moat
Im so faded rn
Feels amazing
For once im not in pain
Just bliss
Still wish I had someone to talk to
quick moat
Kiss of an angel, hiss of a snake
Its all in bad faith
Love this song
Just sounds nice
Listening to music rn
Everything just hits different
Being able to visualize the song is peak
I cannot live like this, i cannot fucking live like this!
My woman my woman ill be there til the end of time~
I look for silver while I lay in bed with gold
I cant live without my woman
She needs me too~ she needs me too~ yeahhh~ she needs me too~ she needs me she needs me too~
Fucking fire
Toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart
I thought maybe we would kiss tonight
Baby ive closed my eyes I know who you pretend I am I know who you pretend I am ~
Why not me? Why not me?
Mannn of course the next one is ะผะฐัะฐ
I cannot sing Russian
Still fire
Im kinda just lonely rn
Dont really know where else to go
To just speak my mind
I used to do that with my friend
But I dont think hes coming back nor do I care
But it was nice to just chill with someone
At the same time not really if theyre shitty
Times like this make me wonder why I make such shitty choices
Everyone leaves
Half the time its my fault and the other half i don't understand
Atleast its not like before
Id rather have my friend block me after an argument
Than...
Maybe thats why I dont care
Probably still traumatized
After what she did...
I miss you Katlin
Whyd I have to mess up
If she was still here
Things would be different
Im sorry
Shouldn't have made you worry
I wish I could say goodbye
Could've atleast given me that much
But you left
And then... you were gone
Deep down I know its my fault
I should've just watched that YouTube video
"This action will have consequences"
Literally what it felt like
And here we are
Im now 21
Its been so long
Been 3 years
And I still cant forget
I wish I could just erase all of it
I just want the memories to fade
I want to cut it off my conscious
I know I loved her but it shouldn't be this painful
It shouldn't be
Not for me
I know im stronger than this
So then why does it hit my chest like a fucking shotgun slug
She wouldnt want me to cry
She wouldnt want me to suffer
She always just wanted me to be happy
But it feels like I cant without her
We were supposed to go to Korea and to a kpop concert
You promised
Then you'd be one too
A kpop idol
That was your dream
And I still dont have one
But I know id want you there
And now it will forever be a dream now that youre gone
After all this time I still cant think of what I want in life
A billion dollars? True love? Infinite happiness? Knowledge?
None of it matters
Not once have I ever wanted anything except someone who understood
And thats gone now
I just have to keep pushing on
Other than that my life is pointless
Just a cycle
Over and over
Over and over
Over and over
And over and over
I just want it to stop
I want to break the cycle but I cant
If I do then I know I wont be able to
I wont be able to stay sane
But at the same time im already losing my sanity
I dont know
I dont know anymore
I just want to be happy
I want to do what I like
I dont want struggles
I dont want more pain
Just to live and do what I like and feel like it matters
quick moat
Had a mental breakdown
Then went to my cat for comfort
Bro decides to cut my finger so bad im bleeding all over
And now hes sitting here like nothing happend
And it hurts
Great
Atleast I forgot why I was stressed after that
And hopefully this cut wont get infected
Or ima crash out
Again
I dont think my mom's happy I woke her up at like 5am yelling "FUCKING CAT AHHH, HE SCRATCHED ME GET ME A BANDAID"
Now that I say that outloud it sounds funny as fuck
And my grandpa said we should eat him since he hurt me ๐ฅ
Diabolical statement
quick moat
Christmas
Dont even know how to feel about it
Its a day I suppose
One that doesnt have much meaning to me, atleast not anymore
I hate pretending im fine
When im not
Had some beers with my brother last night
Opened all the presents
And yet
I just dont feel happy at all
I just feel tired
I just want it to stop
I cant keep doing this
To them or to myself
I really just want to rest
I keep doing this because I cant stand the thought of seeing them sad
Its Christmas
This is supposed to be a day where we all get together and celebrate and be happy... right?
So I just have to keep pretending a little longer
For their sakes
I cant keep doing this to myself
Its killing me inside
I feel less and less of a reason to even get up and do anything
Or talk
I just want to lie here and rot away
I slept for 2 days
Didn't leave my room at all
Until last night
Its been so long since ive done that
Last time was almost 3 years ago
Can't even remember anymore
Not like I want to
Can't remember if it was 2 or 3
Or 4
All I know is that shes been gone a long time now
There's no hope for me
Im done trying to push forward
It hasn't gotten any better
I keep lying to myself
To my friends and family
I haven't done anything
Im still the same kid I was all those years ago
Just all grown up now
Feels like ive wasted half the life ive lived
Just being miserable
Gets harder to remember all the good times I had
Even harder to remember the painful ones
I just
I just wanted to be happy and free of more pain
Feels like I just make things worse one way or another
I really want to end things here
But
The only thing holding me back is the thought of my brother crying over me again
I cant stand seeing him like that
He never deserved that
He's always been the one to work hard and trying to make us all proud...
Even me...
I shouldn't feel this way but I do
Because I care
I love both my siblings
I cant do that to him I just cant do it
And my little sister looks up to me
Im the reason shes even pushing forward
Cause she saw what I went through and I came out of it
But im not strong
Im just weak
Everyone probably thinks im strong
But im not
Im such a crybaby
Ive tried
I really have
I just dont know if I have it in me anymore
There's no light at the end of the tunnel anymore
Just feels like it goes on and on into pure darkness
Probably gonna end up dying soon anyways
I can feel my body shutting down slowly
I keep trying to eat and drink but I keep getting nausea
I feel so thirsty no matter how much water I drink
Probably my kidneys failing again
I did try overdosing again so thats probably why
Probably why I slept for 2 days
Definitely didnt take enough
Not gonna try again
Id probably throw up the second it started dissolving
Like I always say, if I die I die
Hopefully it gets better
Part of me wants to die
But the other parts doesnt
Probably just the depression and suicidal ideation talking
I did tell my brother
One day we'd have a big mansion and we'd have everything we've ever wanted
He'd have a bunch of nice cars
A big gaming room with 6 computers
And a big library full of all the Manga an novels in the world
And then a room full of figures
Maybe in another life..
Even if I really dont wanna leave this one
I always wondered what happens when you die
Ive almost died a couple times but it just goes dark
And then it gets bright
I really dont wanna die
Mostly cause it hurts alot
That parts always stayed the same
quick moat
Alcohol fixes everything
Never in my life has life just felt bearable until now
Probably just me but I feel so much better
I dont understand the people who says they feel more sad or something cause I dont feel it
I just feel more relaxed and kinda tired
My friend is a real one
He gave me a whole thing of apple pie moonshine and its fire
He even took me out to eat and that was nice
Man I think my ass is just being overdramatic ong
After a few shots and a beer everything just feels so like small
Who gives a fuck if things are the way they are
Things change
Anyways back to drinking
quick moat
I went on a date Thursday
Completely unexpected
Went to a pet store and looked at some animals like hamsters, lizards, birds, rats and some cats
And we talked about our pets
How I held a tarantula once while we looked at one
She seemed so interested in me
Probably just me imagining things and she was just being nice
Then we went shopping
Cause I wanted a new hoodie or something similar
And I found a Flannel I really liked and she complimented me saying it looked really good on me and that I have good color choices
I dont even know how to describe how that made me feel
Then we went to eat dinner
Went to a buffet and ate some sushi and talked some more
She really liked that I was getting back into art
And said im an amazing artist and that I should give myself more credit
Then we talked about Fnaf
And how we started watching matpat back when the theories first started
Then the living tombstone song
"Its been so long"
And i mentioned the overwatch song
And I got it stuck in her head
Shes so nice to me and I almost dont want this
Its too good to be true
It hurts thinking about it, I cant let myself get attached again
I wont let myself
After dinner we went to the mall
And went to some anime and Japanese stores
Looked for figures and just walked around
Also talked about Zenless and other hoyo games
And how Wuwa was gooner bait
She really liked that about me, that I dont like that type of stuff
Also went to Hot topic and spencers
Then an arcade
Had a lot of fun
I really want to get to know her more, I really do
Then after that we went back to my place
She got a deck of tarot cards while we were out and did a card reading
I got swords for my past and present
Then the wheel of fortune for my future
During that I was playing cyberpunk
But she was looking at me the whole time
Whenever she got the chance she'd make eye contact
Made me feel so shy and awkward
I cant tell if its just courtesy or what
Everytime I looked it her it just made me feel... some amount of happiness but also deep sadness
Reminded me of her
Katlin
I never told her about them
She doesnt need to know that
I think she could tell though cause she asked if I was ok
I obviously shrugged it off and said im fine
And she asked about my interest and about the games I played, animes I watched, music, just alot of stuff
My sister was the one who introduced us and im happy but also hesitant to make a new friend
Still havent asked for her contact information
Felt like it wasnt my place to ask that
I felt like I didnt deserve it
I feel like I shouldn't be the one trying to reach out anymore and that if people wanna be with me, be it platonic or romantic, that they should do it without me asking them, they should be there because they want to not because they feel obligated or have some responsibility
After we talked a bit at my house and she did all that she stayed another hour and then left
I dont know how I should feel about this
I feel so undeserving
After everything I've done and gone through I dont think I deserve anything like this
I really like her
I really do
But I cant afford to get attached again and go through the same pain ive went through before and it isnt fair to her either having to deal with someone like me
She said I was a really good person
But I cant bring myself to accept that
It struck a nerve with me
Since she said that I cant help but reflect on it and just deny it
Im not a good person
I never have been
Im just someone who goes off of emotional impulse and fucks everything up because of that
My bestfriend would still be here if I had just been there for her
Everyone in my life who has left me would still be here if I hadn't done or said something
I try to be honest, kind, respectful, caring, and mindful
But its only because I dont want anyone to think badly of me, I dont want them to leave
When I dont care about any of that...
I can be cold and heartless at times
And it shows
Ive definitely done things im not proud of
Said things
At the end of the day
Im still the same person ive always been
A fractured empty husk of a man pretending to be alive
Someone trying to find some amount of purpose in this cruel game called life
That day definitely made me feel something
Something I dont think I want to feel again
Hope
Genuine happiness
It made me feel afraid
Afraid to lose something again
Honestly I think I prefer having nothing to lose
Compared to someone with everything to lose
And that makes me feel so much inner turmoil
I want to feel happy
But if the cost of that is having something or someone being the source of it then I dont want it
Because if it vanishes then I will fall apart like last time
And thats not an option
If I fall apart again... then I know there will be absolutely nothing holding me back from ending it all and on top of it an actual reason to go through with it
Im sorry to you
I cant even bring myself to say your name
But I cant, I wont let myself get attached to you
I know you want to be my friend or if you genuinely like me as more than that
But im just gonna have to let myself let go of you
As much as I want someone new in my life, especially someone like you
I can't risk myself getting hurt, let alone drag you into it or even hurt you, I could never forgive myself
I dont know why I feel this way
Im apologizing to no one
I really am losing it
Nothing new there
I just hope that if we talk more I wont end up doing or saying anything bad
And if I break that promise to myself it better be damn worth it
If I let someone in my life like that again it'll either end in pain and agony or bliss and euphoria
No in between
Thats my curse
My mental illness
There's no middle ground
Only black and white
Fucking hate BPD
I feel happy but my mind is telling me I shouldn't be
I had alot of fun
But Its like I just know
I know its too good to be true
quick moat
I've been doing pretty bad lately
But i guess thats evened out
Been getting back into art
quick moat
Had a talk with my older brother
He saw me having an episode and talked me through it
He said nothings wrong, just try and relax, theres nothing here, its just me and you in this place, everything youre thinking about is out there, they're just thoughts, theres nothing to worry about here, right now we're just chilling
And that helped
Dont remember the last time having someone say that helped
I wanted to cry
It made me feel terrible
But then he said that everyone just wants me to do good and that its ok to feel that way
My family just doesnt want me to end up a bum
They want to see me succeed
Doesn't matter how I do it as long as I end up being able to make a living
And we talked some more and it helped
Feels like we hardly ever talk to eachother
We're only a year apart and yet it feels like we've grown apart so much
Im trying
I dont want them to see me like that
Especially my little sister
Just my siblings
They both dont deserve to see their brother like that
But they both know I struggle alot with my mental health
They might not fully understand it but theyre always there for me
Words cant describe how much appreciation and gratitude I feel towards them
My siblings are the only thing that keep me going
I keep forgetting I have them
I always delude myself with the thought that I dont have anything
I hate it
My mom definitely doesnt help
Everytime
I have an episode
She threatens to call the police
Even though im not even getting violent
Im just crying and hyperventilating
"Are you gonna calm down or do I have to call the police"
Every fucking time
It really makes me resent her
And the very few amount of times ive needed 911 called was because of her instigating me
And every time I try and get away from her and go to my room
And she follows me just yelling at me
Not once have I ever gotten violent towards anyone
I really hate that instead of helping me she just trys and makes me feel worse and guilty for feeling that way when its not my fault
And everytime she assumes someone said something to me because everytime I get worse its because SHE said something to me
I can have random anxiety attacks or just episodes but the ONLY reason it gets worse is because she says something towards me
And she refuses to take accountability and accept that shes the problem
It sucks
I cant do anything about it
I just have to hope she doesnt see me when anything happens
I cant live with my dad
And I don't have anywhere else
Im a grown ass man
I hate to admit it but its true
Im 21 years old
And Im just in limbo here
So much lost time
If I hadn't gone through everything I have gone through I wouldnt be here
Id probably have a job or be in college or something
But instead I spent 3 to 4 years back to back in mental health facilities and in constant depressive episodes