archive's Journal | Huddle | Page 1

harsh halo Mar 3, 2025, 5:34 PM

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25/3/3 (yy/mm/dd): (TW: ||gender dysphoria & body image|| I made sure to try to spoiler any parts that would be the most triggering, but please still read w/caution)

Yesterday was a weight,
But today was better.
Calling! Ring, ring at 8 o'clock.
Ring, ring, pick up, please.
A savior has picked up,
Talk about me, talk about my problems,
Wow, this is nicer than I thought,
Let’s keep talking, ah wait,
Time for tennis!
Ugh, the skirt,
||So tight, too tight,||
||My thighs are so large,||
||Too large.||
||Please, take this off me.||
The sound of tennis balls hitting the ground,
The sound of my hitched breathing,
I barely started.
||So tight, too tight.||
||So large, too large.||
But it’s okay,
Tomorrow will be a better day.

harsh halo Mar 4, 2025, 3:46 AM

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25/3/3 (yy/mm/dd): (TW: || Mental health struggles, self-esteem, gender dysphoria, body image, and family rejection || I tried to make sure to spoiler most the triggering parts, but please still read w/caution as I might have missed parts!

Oh god,
I’m okay!
No you aren’t,
I’m okay.
Well, guess I’m calling again,
And again,
And again,
||Guess it doesn’t end.||
||Why doesn’t my family,||
||Like me?||
||Why doesn’t life,||
||Like me?||
||Guess it doesn’t end.||
Guess there are small wins,
Oh god,
I’m okay,
No you aren’t,
I’m okay,
No you aren’t,
||I’m not okay.||
But I guess,
||“Fake it until you make it.”||
Just like my mom said.
Almost like how ||I fake,||
||My body.||
||Wear more layers,||
||Cover your chest.||
||Wear baggier pants,||
||Cover your legs.||
||Put your hair up,||
||Hide your long hair.||
||Guess it makes me feel better,||
||Guess it makes me more like a guy.||
It’s all I have right now.
||Guess I’m not okay.||

harsh halo Mar 5, 2025, 12:46 AM

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25/3/4 (yy/mm/dd): (TW: || Mental health, emotional abuse, transphobia, rejection, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and panic attacks.|| Please read with caution. I tried to add spoilers to the most triggering parts, but please be careful when reading this. Also yes I was feeling this, I was forced to come out to my mom but dont worry tonight I will be contacting a helpline.)

Look through my things,
You’ll find out about me,
Question me,
“You’re trans?”
||The world gets blurry,||
||I can’t see.||
||The world is spinning,||
||I can’t breathe.||
||God, why am I crying,||
||God, why am I forced to do this,||
||I hate this.||
||“You’re just confused.”||
…
1, 2, 3… I can’t finish,
||I can’t breathe,||
Please go away.
||“The demons are talking to you.”||
…
1,2… I can’t finish,
Please go away,
Go away, go away,
Shut up, shut up,
||I can’t breathe.||
||“You're too young to decide that.”||
…
1… I can’t finish,
Please go, please go,
Please just go away,
I want the world,
I want you to
Shut up.
||I can’t breathe.||
||“I love you, my daughter.”||
…
… I didn’t even try,
||I can’t breathe.||
||I can’t see,||
Just go away.
||You don’t love me,||
||If you did call me son,||
||But you won't.||
||I don’t love you either.||

||I don’t want to live anymore,||
||I can’t take this anymore,||
||I just want to be gone forever.||
||Sorry that I was anything,||
||Sorry that I was me.||
||Scratch, scratch,||
||I just need the pain to go away,||
||Scratch, itch,||
||I want to watch me bleed,||
||Itch, itch||
||I want to watch me red.||
||I don’t love you either.||

harsh halo Mar 5, 2025, 3:14 AM

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i get help rn cuz i feel like i might maybe, i dont know im scared

harsh halo Mar 5, 2025, 5:58 AM

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I got help so thats pretty nice i feel better now

harsh halo Mar 7, 2025, 3:07 AM

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everything gets a little better, not really, but i like to tell myself that to make me feel better

harsh halo Mar 8, 2025, 2:22 AM

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Okay I will go to therapy now probably hopefully. I dont really feel safe in my home anymore, they might not hit me but they always invade my privacy and found out a lot of stuff and im scared and now i have to hide things better and they still dont believe anything whatever. its fine

harsh halo Mar 8, 2025, 7:26 PM

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I feel like a flower forced to bloom. I hate going home I like school more now. School is just my distraction from life. I wish I didn't have to go home. I wish I didn't have to see my family everyday.

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Today is the weekend sadly. I can't wait until its monday already. I want to go to school now I never used to but now I do but spring break is coming soon and I dont want it to come soon and summer break I dont want there to be a break I hate home I dont want to go there. This isnt even home

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I want to move but I have to wait a few years. I want a place to call home, I hope I meet a friend that I can go over to their house all the time basically live there because I dont want to be at my families house I dont like it here they force me to do a lot of things and I never feel respected here and they wonder why I dont respect them

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I dont even have the motivation to write anymore they force me to socialize and they said that im autistic but im not they just confuse me more it said i might have a high level lof autism thats why i have social anxiety and why im depressed and why im trans but that doesnt make sense. I cant wait to shop for more masculine clothing I dont like the clothes i have right now they make me uncomfortable also i will try to bind and do other things to make me comfortable i will try to put on makeup to make my face look more masculine but i dont know how to use makeup and i will wear clothing i like, i like streetwear, also i will do bind and i think packing is what its called and i will cut my hair to a korean wolfcut or a two block i think its called i like those haircuts

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also my mom thinks it a phase but thats okay i guess even though i have been feeling this for years but its okay i guess

harsh halo Mar 8, 2025, 9:26 PM

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i think I shuld start to actually put my personal journal here because it better explains my emotions i think thats a good idea but i try to be a little more funny and use a lot more abbreviations because i write that journal on my school account so i have to be careful what I say (sorry i didnt put this TW a long time ago uhm yea: || gender dysphoria, suicidal thoughts, transphobia, death, family rejection/related trauma, and mental health distress. ||)

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but i will only share todays sorry if it doesnt make to much sense because I havent showed the other days this has just been honestly a build up of everything.

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Part 1: Starting off strong with this entry, nothing feels real. I dont feel real. I look at myself and I’m like is this real. Everyday I wake up I just feel like its another chapter of a book. If I could, If I actually wasn’t real I would rip my body a part and change it. I’m so uncomfortable with it. I don’t want to socialize. I don’t want to talk because my voice is so high. I don’t want people to come to me because they will see me as a girl. My mom thinks it a phase, even if I’ve felt this way for years. She still calls me a girl, wow that really makes me “feel better” I really “feel more like a girl” Hahahahaahahahahah I hate this house, I hate living here, its not even home anymore. I prefer school more now, school is my distraction from life until I have to go home, I don’t want to go home. I can’t wait until it’s monday. But next week is a 4 day week and spring break will come up and that means I have to stay home for 10 days I dont want to stay home for 10 days I want to be somewhere else even if its not at school.

harsh halo Mar 8, 2025, 10:44 PM

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Part 2: My mom said I might be high level of autistic and thats why I am like this, but that doesn’t make any sense. Also, she said If I was a boy she said I would look like a feminine boy, but I dont want that I want to be masculine. Why do I owe people masculinity? I’m trying my best, Im trying so hard. Those words kept me up, I don’t want to be known like that. I don’t want to be feminine. And I generally had a panic attack after that I wanted to rip at my body. My mom just makes things worse, she thinks she says the right things, she thinks she makes things better but it only makes it worse. I don’t want to be here. I can’t wait until I move forever never looking back.

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Part 3: She said that me wanting to be a boy makes no sense cuz I’m not into sports or “boy things” but oh yes I am, I love track I love swimming I love tennis, and actually I’ve wanted to try basketball not really football. I want to fight, I love swords, and Im not sure what other things boys like. I don’t really like girl things I’ve only tried them but never fell in love with them. But whatever, life is just whatever right now. I just have to survive. Sometimes I cry, but I dont feel anything. I don’t want to cry because then I’m weak, I guess. My grandma from my moms side might be dying but I don’t feel anything, why. Why can’t I feel anything, when my closer grandpa died I didn’t feel anything why. I want to feel something, but I cant, I can’t do anything. Nothing is even real at this point, this is just a story. Everything has been happening all at once, and its not real, nothing is real and that’s why it’s okay, that’s why life is okay that’s why I have to act like life is okay. Of course my mom basically told my whole family, isn’t that just great. I didn’t even get to pick who I came out to, my mom did. Whatever. Life is okay. Life is fine. This is fine, I just have to be alive that’s it and then everything will be okay. But it’s fine I guess, because I will go to therapy and everything will be okay I think. Life will finally be okay again, not really it feels like nothing gets better. I hate being alive right now.

harsh halo Jun 28, 2025, 7:46 PM

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archives's Journal

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archive's Journal

harsh halo Jun 28, 2025, 8:13 PM

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hellooo im back yayay ill try to be more consistant uhm im still alive thats pretty cool uhm i learned more abt myself not much but thats still pretty good a lot has happened uhm but i dont rlly remember it all but still it happened so uhm tw: || transphobia, family rejection, identity invalidation, depression, social isolation, gender related dysphoria, friendship loss, anxiety?? ||

harsh halo Jun 28, 2025, 8:29 PM

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ok so uhm recently i think a few weeks ago or a month or two ago i honestly cant remember but its kinda been stuck in my brain uhm again my mother uhm she kinda got into an arguement with me i dont rlly know whyy at first uhm but then she started making it abt my gender identity like i was the problem so yea then she went 1 on 1 with me and kinda said things i dont rlly remember but a few things will always be stuck in my head like she said i would always be her daughter that kinda hurt uhm but i dont really need her approval anymore she js pisses me off now i dont rlly talk to her anymore i mean i never rlly did i mean when she first said it i was very angry and very hurt but now im not as hurt mainly cuz i dont rlly care what she thinks anymore i dont rlly like her anyways since she hurt me a lot and shes still transphobic behind my back i feel like she thinks my gender identity is a privilege rather than my actual self or smth and then later she said that id always be her (instert deadname) uhm and that hurt she rlly doesnt know how to make me feel better at all its kinda like shes so stuck at my past self rather than actually evolving with me i mean i dont expect someone to change over night but i dont rlly expect me to kinda be yelled at for my identity either uhm so thats whats going for my family rn but school sucks to now uhm we're out rn but next year im going to hs yay go me uhm but i dont rlly want to cuz ik kids at my school r very transphobic and r very violent or they r ok with it but dont quite get it or would even call me a boy so uh yup and id have to go to girls pe so then the whole school would kinda know im transgender and then since im in texas i cant rlly tell anyone cuz its texas i mean most of everyone is transphobic and their r a lot of laws that dont protect me so yup so i cant rlly go to in person school anymore cuz i dont feel safe and i have to go online which sucks cuz im even more lonely than i was before

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on that no friends topic or whatevr i did lose my best friend i mean i had to js like not be friends with her anymore cuz shes not supporting me at all like she said she was and she said some things that kinda made me raise my eyebrow uhm likee i can give a few examples uhm so one time i remember this guy liked me pre transition then i transitioned and he still liked me and i remember my friend saying like "oh he still likes u because he knows he can get u pregnant" and that hurt because i dont rlly plan on that and i dont rlly want my exisantance to be littled to js cuz i can get u pregnant thats why i like u uhm its kinda strange ik the guy didnt say that but i didnt rlly like that comment of hers uhm and i js kinda laughed awkwardly and didnt rlly say anything i did try to change the topic tho i was pretty visibly uncomfortable so yea and then r most recent and last convo was like her saying that she had a feeling sm would like me next year and side note i do pass as a boy pretty well i get called he/him in public often so that makes me happy but uhm she said, "i have a feeling someone next year will like u cuz they assume ur a boy" uhm i didnt rlly say anything i js didnt respond to that and kinda js kept playing the game (thats what we were doing btw we were playing minecraft so yay) uhm but thats kinda the point to be seen as a boy im not a girl anymore i told her that but i dont think she gets that idea and she says a lot of things in the past like how im not rlly gay because im a girl that likes boys so im straight and that also hurt uhm she would never rlly even try to call me he/him or my name and she'd force me to go into girls restrooms even tho i was very uncomfortable with it and i saw many ppl give me looks and a few guys looked like they'd beat me up lol uh so thumbs up also my voice dysphoria doesnt rlly allow me to talk (my voice doesnt pass sadly :( )so i cant rlly make many friends i try to make some online but im not very good lol

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soo thats whats been going for me uhm yay ig thumbs up i play games more often now i dont rlly talk to anyone anymore i kinda js pushed everyone away including my family or dropped people who didnt rlly even try to be supporting of me uhm so yea also i want to start making music i think id be fun i kinda suck at it but ig no one is good at their first try so yea hopefully yall been having a good day i js kinda woke up lol uhm its like 3 pm idk if thats good or not lol uhm yea

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idk if i should move this to a venting journal rather than here idk?? uhm but i like saying things ill try to say more things now that arent always vents lol cuz i like playing games and sharing my achievements since i dont rlly have anyone else to share them with and ill prob draw again idk yet uhm i might pick back up on my hobbies but i kinda lost interest in them also i wanna do skating again when i get an actual borad and ive always wanted to go urbexing but i dont rlly have friends to do that with so its kinda unsafe so ill hold off for now

harsh halo Jun 29, 2025, 12:38 AM

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ahh why is it so hard to socialize online and in person i get cold sweats why do i panic :(

harsh halo Jun 30, 2025, 1:26 AM

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so hard to take care of myself but i have to do it i js have to remember to eat today drink water today take a shower brush my teeth hopefully i have the motivation (╥﹏╥) but today was pretty ok even tho i didnt rlly do anything again

harsh halo Jul 1, 2025, 6:20 AM

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i dont rlly like being trans i wish i wasnt its hard why is life hard :(

harsh halo Jul 1, 2025, 11:44 PM

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ahh my mom makes me so frustrated i wish i could talk when they make me mad but its hard to

harsh halo Jul 6, 2025, 7:15 AM

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lol i havent rlly done anything anymore sorry i will try better

harsh halo Jul 13, 2025, 5:20 AM

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yay today my mum finally called me son but she wants me to change my name to smth else thats sad but ill keep my name cuz i like my name and its easy

harsh halo Jul 16, 2025, 9:45 AM

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ahh school starts soon but ive been doing diy fashion and i like it its so fun

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also i keep going back to unhealthy coping and i dont even know how to stop anymore

harsh halo Jul 18, 2025, 11:56 PM

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yay ive been doing writing again and playing clangen again i made a new clan and i like it so far i wanted it too be lore heavy so yea :D i might share the drive on here idk yet

harsh halo Jul 20, 2025, 9:29 AM

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ahh my mom has been calling me male pronouns now and i like it but i feel guilty to but i think my mum still sees me as a girl still because whenever she can she still calls me female pronouns and like that stuff but yea

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but on a happy note ive been trying to pick up old hobbies i used to do and i found a new one ive been getting into diy fashion and its fun!

harsh halo Jul 21, 2025, 8:26 AM

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harsh halo yay ive been doing writing again and playing clangen again i made a new clan and...

this is the link to it :D i wanna make more clans again so i might work more on another culture for this (hopefully i didnt say anything bad in the documents ill edit to make sure but i dont think i did) and the artwork isnt mine clangen came with all the art! when u go to the photos tab: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1eX6TzVzwfXFcZKZu0krGsYh-l2Mbo2H1?usp=sharing

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also ive been wanting to make another culture i really enjoy worldbuilding or culture building? religion building idk lol but i love doing it and i want to do another so i might share that one to when im done but i think i might do it for clangen again but i'd like to do a rogue group (in warrior cats there are clans, loners, house-cats (kitty pets), and rogue groups (who arent in clans but grouped together)) so i think that'd be fun since i havent done a rogue group yet and i might make the territory in a desert that'd be fun or a shipwreck time of area

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but general life update its been ok i have a dentist appointment tmrw but i havent had motivation to brush my teeth so im a little scared to go so ill brush my teeth good because i dont like when ppl lecture me lolol

harsh halo Jul 21, 2025, 3:26 PM

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ahh i js got back from a dentist appoint not too long ago not feeling very good very sad so i will try to feel better prob write stuff :p

harsh halo Jul 22, 2025, 2:55 AM

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ahh i js went back to see my long hair again and lolol i dont even remember it im glad i cut my hair off even tho it didnt look good at first

harsh halo Jul 22, 2025, 10:21 PM

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i have to go to hs when school starts again and im js starting to go to hs but im kinda scared because a lot of kids at my school during middle school knew i was trans and the other schools are transphobic so im scared to go because ill have to go to girls pe and my mum wont help me with anything with the school things like she said its js how the world works and wont help me change my name in the system either i feel like my mum thinks im doomed in this world and idk how to make her help me because this rlly is my life on the line since i go to in person school im scared of being hurt im scared that people will hurt me verbally and physically and im scared id hurt myself i hate that my mum doesnt help me when idk what im supposed to do so yea

harsh halo Jul 23, 2025, 11:38 PM

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i want to share my playlist cuz i like my music and i think it kinda fits me also like heavy warning for most my music its loud so if u dont like loud music turn it down and some the covers have gore/blood and like things in the song that r like uh yea js be warned going into the music i like but i want to share it cuz i never get to share my music with anyone :d

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https://open.spotify.com/playlist/58nR3LB3VSYrKj45vs5IQo (this is my current playlist i change playlists every once in awhile) also some of the song titles might be triggering i think most like mention ||gore, suicide, self harm, and more|| plz if any of that is triggering plz dont look through the playlist D:

Spotify

REVAMP PLYLIST

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i like music like this and i want to make music like who most these people do it

harsh halo Jul 23, 2025, 11:59 PM

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sometimes i wonder if ppl actually like me or js whatever i fake so ppl like me because ive tried to show ppl who i am but they always get weirded out or uncomfortable and i dont want that idk how to be normal and acceptable for everyone while still being enough me

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i wont say anything abt me here cuz it might be rlly bad but i rlly wish i had someone to rlly be myself around without saying wtf all the time to me or getting shocked or disgusted it kinda hurts cuz i feel unloveable i feel like i have to hide certain parts of me i feel like i have to change myself to be more acceptable to people

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but anyways i think i might let ppl reply i think id be fun so i might go do that rn :d

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also i should post cat pictures that would be fun

harsh halo Jul 25, 2025, 5:39 AM

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i dont rlly have much to talk abt but i want to talk abt stuff cuz all my friends r asleep rn all that has rlly happened was js being dysphoric i wish my body made sense and got me but it doesnt i should go back to game development it was fun but i might have to learn to code again tbh

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ive been working on music but for my beats i rlly want fl studio cuz thats what all the good artists r on but i dont have enough money to buy it im thinking about being a bartender (i dont think im old enough tho) or a tutor or js work at my walmart that isnt super far idk whatever i get easier

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or i might js like do free studios ik bandlab i might mess around with that tho im not good at producing but it takes practice hopefully i have a musically touch lolol

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idk if ill be able to share my music on here with lyrics because it might have like triggering stuff in it because i really want to write scenecore or gorecore type of music but i could prob share the sound or like without the lyrics i forgot what thats called

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if i go back to game development i want to work for money i dont want to be an indie again i used to work for money but i didnt really get much or anything rlly if i make a game ill prob do horror since its easier than anything actually super great

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ahh i just remembered i got my school schedule a few days ago i think and im scared to look im still scared to go to in person school

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i cant wait to grow up even tho its prob worse it might be better cuz i feel kinda trapped i really want to transition medically but im not allowed to do hrt so :( and texas doesnt let me do any the legal stuff so that sucks and i think my school would be punished or smth i wish texas let me do more stuff so im not so scared

harsh halo Jul 25, 2025, 1:52 PM

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r u serious i js got on my period why does everything have to remind me im not a actual man

harsh halo Jul 26, 2025, 3:24 AM

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uhhhghhh i have to look at my schedule at some point i keep pushing it and it js makes me more stressed out

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i dont want to go to in person school im so scared i js want my mum to listen to me and js put me into online school

atomic fox Jul 26, 2025, 3:30 AM

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harsh halo i dont want to go to in person school im so scared i js want my mum to listen to...

Keep communicating with your mom, and help her understand what you’re struggling with.

Even if things don’t turn out exactly the way you hope,
at least you’ve made an effort to speak up for yourself—and that matters.

You’ve worked so hard already.
Well done. archive

harsh halo Jul 26, 2025, 3:38 AM

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atomic fox Keep communicating with your mom, and help her understand what you’re struggling...

ok thank u saliyel i will keep trying :d

harsh halo Jul 28, 2025, 2:05 AM

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i will look at my schedule today hopefully its the classes i wanted

harsh halo Jul 28, 2025, 3:49 AM

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harsh halo i will look at my schedule today hopefully its the classes i wanted

cant check idk how to :(

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but 2nit imma disract myself with that one clan i think i promised at some point where is was like more rouge group based and desert themed or wtv yea imma start working on the culture and imma have to do history and how that ties into the culture

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idk how to do the culture and history thing how i can make them go together but ill research i want it too be realistic and stuff so yea

harsh halo Jul 28, 2025, 8:57 PM

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harsh halo but 2nit imma disract myself with that one clan i think i promised at some point...

didnt write last night :( i think i watched videos i forgot actually

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but i think today imma actually start doing music fr so imma learn how to produce and sing i already have a soundcloud so yay and i have everything i need i got a keyboard i got a long time ago cuz i wanted to learn it (never did so ill learn it rq for this) then imma have to learn to sing and be comfortable with my voice which might be hard since i have voice dysphoria

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if i ever make beats ill share it here i wont be able to share the vocals or lyrics i think they'd break the rules so ill keep that off platform but ill share anything that i can produce or smth

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idk how ill even get listeners tbh im not friends with anyone who does music so it might be hard but i dont really expect getting really popular i just want to make music and maybe have a little bit of listeners

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i might share it with my friends but i think they'd judge me so idk how im gonna be able to tell if the music i make is good or not

harsh halo Jul 28, 2025, 9:20 PM

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i think today imma call someone so ik what to do with school wise in texas for my transition i doubt i can do a lot but i rlly wanna change my name the most in the system

harsh halo Jul 29, 2025, 1:27 AM

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harsh halo i will look at my schedule today hopefully its the classes i wanted

js looked at my schedule its alright i guess nothing too cool

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also got some help and i guess it helped not sure how much but ill do what they said

harsh halo Jul 30, 2025, 5:42 AM

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ill start my music stuff soon hopefully :) but im nervous because i really dont like my voice since i have dysphoria and since im young it sounds different i guess so just nervous but i have a keyboard and imma get the cable so i can hook it up to my computer so i can go on fl studio maybe? im more fimilar with bandlab so i might do cakewalk or whatever they had called it

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im really excited because ive been wanting to do this for a long time and now i can even tho ill probably wont be very good since ive never taken a music class before i just was really inspired by the artists i listened to

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and im nervous my school will find out i make music i dont really want to be popular i just want to have fun so thats really nerve wracking because im scared to know what people from my school would think but i might share it to my friends maybe my songs might be really worrisome cuz of the things that might be in the song like ||suicidal ideation, self-harm, toxic relationship, sexual themes|| so i dont know how much i wanna share them to my people close online unless i say i never do those things i guess?

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but i made my first official lyrics and a cover and i already have a sound in my head im just waiting to get a cable for my keyboard i think its mdi to usb? or whatever i dont rlly remember so thats really nice i cant wait to post it to soundcloud when im done

harsh halo Jul 31, 2025, 2:42 AM

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i feel like life is getting better i feel happier :) i hope it lasts

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also lol ive been doing my game development again and i went on roblox studio cuz i knew lua just a little bit and i made a flashlight im happy i made it work since im not good at coding i usually model so ill show that maybe if i get the chance! i can def show the model tho since its easy

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its a mini flashlight not really a big one i actually had fun making it i did have to relearn how to use blender for it but it was fun

harsh halo Jul 31, 2025, 2:47 AM

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harsh halo its a mini flashlight not really a big one i actually had fun making it i did ha...

its untextured but i made it have a metal-y texture and i made it a dark grey

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also awhile ago i think i talked abt i was going to work on this sand rogue group based of warrior cats i believe? and ill play on clangen here is the document for that!! i want to work on it today im really excited ive never done anything in the desert so this will be really fun and this time ill try to base more history into it (https://drive.google.com/drive/u/0/folders/1mdhLLcD0sv7WRiPbDy_thlshJcnnn3fO) also i figured their name would be dune-duskers i just liked it idk why :D

harsh halo Jul 31, 2025, 4:39 AM

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harsh halo also awhile ago i think i talked abt i was going to work on this sand rogue grou...

actually i dont know if i should do this for cats or dragons i havent done a dragon one yet but i think it'd be really fun but idk lol

harsh halo Aug 3, 2025, 10:54 PM

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im back from the trip now finallyyyy

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it was pretty boring but wtv ;p

harsh halo Aug 4, 2025, 12:52 AM

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imma make my first song soon im rlly excited i got the lyrics and the cover and i have the idea of the sound and the vocals so i cant wait to make this and ill post it to soundcloud

harsh halo Aug 7, 2025, 4:39 AM

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ahh a few nights ago i wanted to die i forgot to tell but i was trying to work on my song with the vocals and i got so much dysphoria i couldnt even talk maybe i should quit music but someone ik told me not to and they'd love my voice ahh I will try hopefully i dont hate my voice while i edit it and stuff i just have to practice a lot i think ill put fx over my voice so it doesnt sound so much like me and maybe i can make it sound more like a boy or smth idk :p

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also school is coming up in 6 days >_<" i hope this year will be good ill have to tell my mum to change my name in the system or call the school to do that i mean lol

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i really want to change my name in the system so i dont have to worry about hearing my dead name without coming out to my teachers but my voice is so girly and i dont know how to make it sound masculine so my voice always gives it away im transgender or im not really a man

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i wish i could take testosterone so my voice could become deeper i think i might be old enough to take it but im not allowed to cuz of the laws i wish i was born a boy

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but i keep thinking of college even tho im js going into highschool but im really nervous for college hopefully its easy

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i want to major in psychology and i think minor in philosophy and gender studies i want to become a gender affirming therapist for kids, teens and young adults :D

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alsooo awhile ago i got a boyfriend i dont even know how i did i guess i got lucky lol idk if ill talk abt him a lot hopefully it lasts its long distance :(

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but yea thats been going on ig c: i feel like i have a lot of time to think it makes me spiral when im alone but i try to love myself and be alive and not do anything bad

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but tonight imma watch my fav streamer i want to try to enjoy life more cuz i feel like i dont enjoy life as much

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ahh sometimes i feel like i dont take care of myself enough D: i prob should so i dont die cuz ive been restricting my eating and sleeping at like 4 am and waking up at like 7 am its cuz my bf hes not forcing me lol its js that he sleeps rlly early and i want to spend a lot of time with him since hes in a different place than me it feels lonelier it feels nice when i can talk to him

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but i should also prob focus on myself to i need to work on my music cuz im kinda bad rn but i want to get better and i have art i should pick back up on and im writing a lot cuz i write a lot of lyrics when im bored so its okay

harsh halo Aug 7, 2025, 8:14 PM

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todays pretty okaaayyy i woke up like 2 hrs ago lol at like 1 pm prob 2 pm idk i think today ill be brave enough to do the vocals for my song and i might practice some beat making i prob should watch some videos to learn how to use fl studio cuz idk how to use it very well ive been using the web version of bandlab lol

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idk if i should get a midi controller they're kinda expensive im tryna save my birthday money for shoes and i dont want my family to spend more money on me

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idk what else imma do today school is soon and i wish it wasnt i still need to get clothes i have like 3 shirts and 2 pants :(

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ahh so stressful im trying to cope good i feel like i go into bad habits like self harm a lot but music helps a little even tho i get frustrated easily at it lol ill try to craft more things today idk if ill have any motivation but yea

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i should probably eat today to i really hate eating i dont like the feeling of something in my mouth then i can feel the food constantly like when its in my stomach and it makes me feel sick i dont like to eat but i try anyways idk if thats a bad thing or what lol

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also today i should prob ask my mum to call the school to change my name in the system to my preferred name hopefully im brave enough and dont forget :p

harsh halo Aug 10, 2025, 3:39 AM

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I went to the doctors today cuz i had to get my physical and the nurse did the correct pronouns it made me happy and she didnt call me my name at all which made me happy :D but the doctor completely called me she/her and my deadname the whole time ;( but i guess i shouldnt expect too much since they're doctors or wtv and it says my sex on the paper instead my gender or anything

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ohh ive been forgetting to tell my mum to change the prefered name in the system hopefully there is enough time since i have 2 days left until school D: well 3 but its abt to be 2 after 11 pm

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also ive been drawing again and i enjoy it cuz i can draw myself and do the bad habits in a drawing so ive been not doing so much bad things to myself!! which makes me happy idk if ill be able to show the pcitures on here cuz there is blood and stuff even tho its not realistic ;p ill see which ones i can show on here cuz some have very small amounts of blood & no weapons and i drew one with my bf :)

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this one is me and my bf :D ofc i dont have that hair yet sadly its just black ;( but its the hair i rlly want so i did that also its our flags!! and i think i have one moreee its one that is a nosebleed or smth (sorry its kinda bright)

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this one is another one i made i also put one my flags cuz i was messing around with colors i painted these in mspaint it was fun

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i want to draw more that have my boyfriend in it he hasnt talked to me in a few days so hopefully he talks to me tmrw when he talks to me again ill show him :)

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i havent drawn in forever so its nice to be able to draw again

harsh halo Aug 11, 2025, 3:25 AM

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harsh halo also today i should prob ask my mum to call the school to change my name in the ...

i asked my mum today and she wouldnt do it cuz the schools dont do it anymore i guess in texas so wtv cant wait to hear a name that makes me wanna hurt myself

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but i went to the mall today so it was okay i guess i got new shoes so im finally out my 10 dollar smth tennis shoes XD and i got some pants i want to get some affilcation shirts just didnt have the money they were really expensive so we will go tomorrow :p

harsh halo Aug 11, 2025, 3:27 AM

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harsh halo i asked my mum today and she wouldnt do it cuz the schools dont do it anymore i ...

also i guess its not the worst thing cuz i told my friend to call me my preferred name so people might follow that instead what my teachers say but it still hurts and i cant even do anything about it so :c

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it did make me rlly disappointed im just preparing myself to be really hurt this school year i guess 2 more days until school and im not ready

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i cant wait to be 18 so i can just do wtv i want

harsh halo Aug 11, 2025, 3:53 AM

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omg i just remember i have to write my deadname on papers all the time how the fuck am i supposed to make it 4 years i wish my mum would help me better but what do i expect shes the same person who told me to get over it whenever id tell her my struggles i guess ill have to come out to teachers i mean i cant really i guess i just have to get used to my deadname even tho everytime i hear it i just want to not exist this is so frustrating and annoying

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its wtv i guess ill try to find a way maybe most my teachers will be friendly to trans people i guess then i can just tell them my preferred name hopefully no one calls me she/her especially my teachers my friend does it a lot already and i have to correct her a lot i hate being trans so much i wish i just wasnt i wish i was just cis :(

harsh halo Aug 11, 2025, 11:34 PM

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i hate my life so much i had to go to the meet the teacher thingy the host every year and i wish i was just dead i really didnt want to tell them my deadname but my mom got pissed off when i just refused to talk and just nodded and smiled at them and just tells me to get tougher skin like she always fucking does she never will get it what it feels like to have to live someone elses life im so miserable and she thinks im so stupid light for other kids in the future thats why im in so much pain and torment all the time and she basically just told me to figure it out myself and i dont f-ing know thats why i ask for help and i never get it and now all year im going to be called this name that just makes me want to disappear and pronouns that give me another reason to hate my life i feel so hopeless i feel so powerless i cant even do anything cos no one wants to do anything for me i wish someone that i know would just help me

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i dont even want to go to school tomorrow i hate this so much and i cant even do anything

harsh halo Aug 12, 2025, 1:42 AM

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i will try to ask my cousin for help he's been trans for awhile so i think he'd be able to help me hopefully idk

harsh halo Aug 12, 2025, 2:02 AM

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harsh halo i will try to ask my cousin for help he's been trans for awhile so i think he'd ...

he gave pretty good advice so i feel like this school year might be easier than i thought c:

harsh halo Aug 12, 2025, 5:42 AM

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harsh halo he gave pretty good advice so i feel like this school year might be easier than ...

ughh rethinking that it was okay but god life sucks so bad rn then when im 18 i just have to pay to just be a man for the rest my life but for now i just have to handle just all the pain idk if i can deal with 8 hrs everyday if that one hr at the school rlly messed with me that much idk how well id be able to do 8 hrs i wish i could do online school

harsh halo Aug 12, 2025, 10:23 PM

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first day yall i hate my life why did they have to make me write down a f-ing deadname so much omggg and why did people remember im going to beg my mom for online school cuz i cannot do this shit fr

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like why do people have to talk like i wish ppl around me would js shut up cuz i was called pretty today i was called she/her more times than i can count deadname flung everywhere istg online would just be better i fcking hate this stupid school so much i hate texas why did the basically have to make trans minors illegal

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i hate my voice i wish i could never talk then no one would know if i was a boy or girl just go based off the apparence omg omggggggggg i hate my stupid voice it gives it away everytime

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cant anything go my way i just want my life in my hands not live in someone elses life i hate this so much

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i just want a name that doesnt make me want to end my life but i feel like everything is being striped away from me i dont even have any freedom only what i was given and thats it ughhhhhh

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imma js ask my mom to pull me out and take me to online school at this point its so bad its so bad for me and my mental health it was already poor i cant do this everyday mutiple times a day for 4 yrs i fr just cant cuz if i dont then i feel like i might not be able to make it pass 18 i js want to do what makes me want to be alive even if it sucks

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i just have to make it to friday then it will all just be okay i want to cry so bad this sucks

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i will try to do something but idk what to do life feels so hard and everytime i try to ask my adults for help they always js brush me off its so annoying why doesnt anyone irl js listen to me they say i can figure it out myself but i asked them cuz i couldnt figure it out i fr cant do this i cant this is so hard why did life have to be good before it came crashing down again i just want to stay in bed all day so nothing hurts me anymore

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but online school would just suck too and ik my mom wouldnt do homeschooling what even option do i have left i really kinda care about my future so i cant dropout but i cant force myself to keep going to in person at this point ugh imma js do online school its better than scratching myself in the middle of class

harsh halo Aug 12, 2025, 11:05 PM

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yea thats what imma do imma js do online school and ill download or js code something up that will replace my deadname with my actual name ik there was a thingy that did it so yea imma do that

harsh halo Aug 13, 2025, 2:40 AM

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okayy i talked to my mum and she agreed but she said she was gonna look into the online school but its not off the table i really want to hear my deadname the least i can and she was spewing all this transphobic shit while i was non verbal and after i was able to talk and tell her stuff so it was alright cuz she said trans was a choice and that i showed no signs or i didnt let her grieve and all that shit but i js told her what i meant ig or smth but im dropping swimming cuz i didnt really want to do it but my mum said i should so i js did it blindly then imma drop my AP history cuz i dont want to write a lot last yr i had to write a lot in honors history so this yr imma drop it hopefully the school lets me

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i feel like i go non verbal a lot especially at school cuz i get rly overwhelmed easily ad my voice js makes me not want to talk ever and stuff also i dont rlly want anyone to talk to me anyways i rather be no ones friend i find social stuff very nerve-racking so i js try to keep my head down but then ppl still call me my deadname at school and stuff so atleast with online school i can js download stuff that will block out my deadname and maybe she/her? idk ill have to see if i can find anythingg i doubt it tho

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it was so draining talking to my mum since i rlly prefer to js write out my thoughts then say them out loud it makes me rly nervous and not want to talk and stuff so hopefully she gets it instead fo next time i need smth again she doesnt spew the same transphobic stuff again

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i hope i can be put into the online school asap and not next yr cuz i rly cant do a yr of this shit i already had to put up with it for awhile and now my deadname makes me rly uncomfortable now cuz since i transitioned social mostly i want people to call me my preferred name so then i feel like im the person i am not tryna live someone elses life :p

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also lol i downloaded the deadname replacer and its so good i love it so much i did it on my personal laptop idk if ill be able to get it on my school laptop but its wtv i dont look at my email and stuff like that but ill see cuz they dont rlly let us download things without permssion

harsh halo Aug 13, 2025, 9:04 PM

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okay i missed today cuz my mum didnt want me to have a breakdown after school again and stuff and im missing tomorrow to cuz my mum is gonna enroll me to this online school and pull me out so thats good :) hopefully this is better for me i already have a desk so thats prob where im gonna do my work whenever i get my room itll be nice and stuff

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my mum already did a lot of research and we went through a pros and cons list so imma do it hopefully this saves me just a little bit i think today imma draw and idk what ill do tomorrow ill try to workout again since i hadnt for awhile i think i might go to in person school senior year but idk i might js save it for college and js ask my friend to help me get friends since shes popular she already got me her ex-boyfriend as my friend kinda so i think i might be able to get more friends from her but i usually js hangout with her and my other friend and my cousin c:

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also ive been reconnecting with an old online friend i used to have they were a rlly good friend they helped me a lot when i was rly depressed and didnt understand anything about myself or the world so they helped me a lot i hope i can be friends with them again even tho i was no where near how i used to be a few years ago

harsh halo Aug 15, 2025, 3:46 AM

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okay so i think i might be able to go this week hopefully i will probably start working on my music again since im not super stress tho i dont rlly like my voice so idk what ill do there :p ig ill do it anyways and like put minimal FX so i still sound natural but ill work on the beat first (somehow even tho im not rlly good at it) and we will see where i go from there

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i rly wanna to learn how to play the electric guitar and how do use an midi keyboardd but ill ask my mom later down the line probably

harsh halo Aug 15, 2025, 3:48 AM

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harsh halo okay so i think i might be able to go this week hopefully i will probably start ...

but also im using bandlab and its kinda confusing for me or it doesnt make the beats that i want so i might try my luck with fl studio

harsh halo Aug 17, 2025, 12:27 AM

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my cousin visited me it was nice he realized how much happier i am being a boy than i was a girl im glad he supports me a lot i love him :)

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also yesterday i was feeling really sick sometimes i feel disgusted by myself but thats not rly the problem i found out i was dyslexic and dysgraphic or whatever and i had anger management issues i didnt really know i had all that but that was a long time ago i dont know if im still all that but i do get angry really easy which can make me violent or have breakdowns so i might still have anger issues probably i dont know how to control it

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but i will be going to online school soon which is nice i will be in my own space so its alright i hope i get into a good college i dont feel smart enough sometimes i feel like im stupid i want to go to UT i heard its a nice school and i dont know about going out of state or studying abroad i want to try to graduate early so i can get into college early but i want to stay with my same age peers so if i graduate early i might just work most the time or soemthing idk yet im not sure what to do with life yet

harsh halo Aug 17, 2025, 12:36 AM

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harsh halo also yesterday i was feeling really sick sometimes i feel disgusted by myself bu...

also that paper i think said i had sensory issues and a lot of stuff it was kinda overwhelming seeing how really different i am and all the help i needed but i never actually got because my mom didnt know about it and never sent it in so i never got accommodations or really anything actually so yea

harsh halo Aug 17, 2025, 9:12 PM

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im pretty sure my mom isnt going to get me into online school she's upset with me cuz i said i wanted to be alone cuz yesterday i socialized a lot so i js wanna rest and she got pissed off that i didnt rlly want to hangout with anyone or get ready for the pool cuz i didnt feel like binding my chest where it feels like i cant breathe but its whatever

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she never actually thinks about my feelings so i shouldnt really have expected much to her being misgender or deadname isnt shit or whatever but i already get anxiety in social spaces she just spent like 2 hrs talking to me and my sister just ranting about her life how we have it so good or something its pisses me off

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i hate this hell i wish i could just run away but i wont cuz i have to be there for my siblings to her its basically always my fault anything i do she gets mad i do nothing shes mad i do something shes upset i change myself to what she want she gets upset i am myself shes mad i hate this place so bad then i am forced to talk about my feelings to them its annoying dont they realize that by yelling at me complaining to me or the shit that they do just pushes me away not bringing me toward them everytime i tell them something its weaponized against me so why even say anything at all

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she's says stuff like how ill never experience so much when she's already made me experience it i rather just keep it to myself in a journal or something i dont like talking to my family i dont really like my family i wish i was alone i cant wait to be 18

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i feel like i will do something bad to myself i have to call my friend so i dont do anything

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i dont really want to do online school i just dont want to be in pain again like last year and a few of the years before that but god i hate this place to my mum bothers me all the time she gets upset at me all the time she never changes i just want to escape this place so bad

harsh halo Aug 17, 2025, 10:12 PM

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but today i think i might read i just want to avoid my family so i should read my warrior cats book i havent read them all yet hopefully i dont really sound like an idiot sometimes everytime i talk about my family i feel like im selfish a lot but anyways i might talk to my friend today i dont really know what else to do im forced to talk to my mom about online school in front my dad to sometimes i wish life was kind to me

harsh halo Aug 19, 2025, 12:22 AM

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ohh my family sends lots of photos of my pre transition tho i dont really mind baby pictures everytime my mum especially sends me pictures when i was so uncomfortable with myself it makes me really uncomfortable looking at those photos im not even seeing myself just someone i was living as for awhile but i dont really mention it makes me uncomfortable so wtv i dont really feel sad maybe its more guilt or being regretful i dont rlly know i just dont like seeing photos for that time but baby pictures are okay to me and some photos when i was like in early elementry

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but im planning to set my schedule up for online school i think i might want to start at 10 am since itll be when i wake up then i might spend around 5 hours on the work i want to spend a lot of my time doing notes instead of work so i think everyday i might try to do one class eachtime i might group some depending on how easy each one it i might do the harder classes in a single day then easier ones could be grouped

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but anyways i want to read more so i think ill do that i havent really been reading a lot so i will do that today

harsh halo Aug 19, 2025, 5:42 AM

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i hate being jealous i just see boys live such good lives and some trans ones to but my family would never treat me like that i feel so upset

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i wish i could be in their shoes i want to know what its like to be a son and a brother but i dont they'd ever do that for me

harsh halo Aug 19, 2025, 11:19 PM

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im playing lifegen rn its fun :p

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i think i prob am going to make a story ive been wanting to do it i just dont know how yet so yea maybe i can make a comic or smth idk lol

harsh halo Aug 21, 2025, 11:57 PM

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i hate my body i hate this so much i just want to die this is the worst

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i cant even breathe very good right now its so uncomfortable why cant someone just take my body someone why cant i just change my body

harsh halo Aug 22, 2025, 12:24 AM

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i feel so sick rn i feel so sick from myself

harsh halo Aug 24, 2025, 7:32 PM

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i found spacehey and its rlly fun i made my own space and i like it a lot it makes me happy and it lets me be able to use it as an excuse to learn css and html again i used to know a little bit but i forgot it all so i like that i can relearn it c:

harsh halo Aug 25, 2025, 5:40 AM

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harsh halo i found spacehey and its rlly fun i made my own space and i like it a lot it mak...

spacehey is inspiring me to learn css & html also i think i wanna learn js to idk tho cuz i signed up for neocities which seemed really cool to so yea

harsh halo Aug 27, 2025, 7:19 AM

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css & html is so fun c: expect its rlly frustarting sometimes but its actually rly easy easier than i expected cuz when i first looked at it it was rly confusing but its super fun ive been making a website its coming out rlly good so far even tho its taken me 3 days and im not even close to done lol

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also im so happy cuz my dysphoria hasnt been super bad for a few days so im so glad cuz now i have motivation to take care of myself so i will abuse these days its not acting up lolol

harsh halo Aug 29, 2025, 7:01 AM

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ive been picking back up on 3d modeling i havent done it in what feels like forever and actually im really good still im kinda surprised lol and i made a butchery to start i never rlly made that even tho i used to make realistic buildings so its a nice and different start

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also ive been fr working on a song and im almost done!! i want to finish it tmrw night the beat sounds so good so far imma share it its loud its rlly a lot but i think i like it like that

harsh halo Aug 29, 2025, 7:15 AM

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harsh halo also ive been fr working on a song and im almost done!! i want to finish it tmrw...

super proud of how it turned out i cant wait 2 do the vocals tmrw nit i js have to make the lyrics c: and its a demo rn so it might change (also pls turn down ur volumn cuz it is kinda loud!!!!)

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i half prod this myself i found a sample online and i rlly liked it so i wanted to make smth with it but the drums & the bass is mine i want to practice more producing cuz im not rly good at it yet and i rly want to find my sound i think this demo rn best has my sound i want w/my music >u<

harsh halo Aug 29, 2025, 10:45 AM

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whyyy is it so hard to sleep rn its like 6 am i have to sleep its kinda getting bad again i think im starting to hallucinate again so i might need to take those melatonin thingies so i can sleep

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cuz now usually all i get is like 2-4 hrs of sleep some nights or 1 hr it depends

harsh halo Aug 29, 2025, 9:11 PM

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i just did a personality test cuz i was bored and i got intj-t lolol

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also ive been tryna find my music alias and i really like boycannibal it has a rlly nice ring to it so i think imma go with that unless i change my mind but 4 now its set in stone !!

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also on the topic of music i got a new spotify acc so here is my new playlist js the songs im obsessed w/rn ^_^ i love music so much also the music on here is loud so turn ur volumn down if u play it <3 https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6V23T0Nl0DL7iFzHM7d3Q6

Spotify

OBSESSING OVERRRR

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one day i rly hope my music does pop off a little so then i can collab w/my fav artist his name is 1stress but i doubt that wuld happen cuz i think he is 18+ and im 14 still :c but its okay i want to find ppl i can collab w/i cant wait to turn 15 in april!!

harsh halo Aug 29, 2025, 9:19 PM

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harsh halo super proud of how it turned out i cant wait 2 do the vocals tmrw nit i js have ...

4 my song im still trying to find the cover i made lyrics and a cover awhile ago but it didnt fit the vibe of this sound so ill make a new cover & lyricss :d

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i think for my song i rlly wanna base it off tw here btw!! ||cannibalistic metaphors, maybe toxic luv??, suicidal ideation & maybe some selfharm metaphors??|| im not 100% sure yet what i want the song to be once i find a good cover that i feel like it fits i might post here i do have one cover i do like but idk if itll be 4 this song i found it online somewhere >_<

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idk if it rly fits the vibe but ill see11!

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now all i rly need to do is the lyrics & vocalsss i think the most pained thing will be the vocals since i dont rly like my voice so i might try to add lots of fx so then it doesnt rly sound so raw and more genderless instead of rly feminine

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but ive been feeling rly good abt myself for these few days im so glad dysphoria hasnt been attacking me as much lolol i feel rly happy and im glad even tho my bf hasnt been talking with me for awhile i still feel good :d

harsh halo Aug 30, 2025, 12:36 AM

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after this debut release i think i wanna make a ep!! im thinking around 4-5 songs for this my first project i want it to be heavily related to attachment issues ||(maybe some stalker/obsessive vibes??)|| & abandonment trauma stuff like that for my first project!!

harsh halo Aug 30, 2025, 12:38 AM

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harsh halo super proud of how it turned out i cant wait 2 do the vocals tmrw nit i js have ...

also i think i finished the sound i rly like it i should work on the lyrics so i can do the vocals and finish up the song 2nit!!

harsh halo Aug 30, 2025, 4:39 AM

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been becoming better at css and html its rly easy now c: if i can i might share my final site on here im rly proud of it!!!!

harsh halo Aug 30, 2025, 8:26 AM

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im soo burntout rn i rlly want to work on my site but i have no idea what to do i js redid it all i deleted everything i saved a file js in case but god i cant think of shit

harsh halo Aug 31, 2025, 3:43 AM

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ahhh producing feel so hardd i feel like im doing too much when i make sound i dont even have a midi controller maybe i should get one lol

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also i rlly need to learn abt the sounds i wanna create i have no idea what im doing lol and imma try out fl studio finally it looks so scary but it might be hard to do with a midi controller so yea

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but i dont rly wanna bother my mum for one cuz then she'll wanna hear my music and i dont really think thats a good idea lol

harsh halo Aug 31, 2025, 5:54 AM

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this is the types of sounds im going 4 (not lyrical based js the sound rly is what i want most) cuz i rly love these songs and this is what kind of sound i rly wanna prod but i dont even know music theory which i should learn then ill try to reverse engineer sounds like these (i also have no idea what these sounds would be..>? ik hyperpop but other than that im not 100% sure?)

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https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6AIhqXM2EiDVawopTQEeBZ (also loud music turn down ur volumn if u play the playlist)

Spotify

MY SOUND STYLE

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i might add onto the reference i js need smth so ik what i wanna make :p

harsh halo Aug 31, 2025, 5:56 AM

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harsh halo super proud of how it turned out i cant wait 2 do the vocals tmrw nit i js have ...

i might scrap this one i dont know if i like it as much anymore ;(

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once i get one i like i will share it on here c: but im a perfectionist maybe i shouldnt care if its bad haha

harsh halo Aug 31, 2025, 8:09 AM

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aahh i just watched a shit ton of tuts and tbh i feel a lot more confident now i can make smth a lot better now i js have to learn rly how to use fl studio i might js teach myself lol

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also i have to go to my grandmas tmrw and i rly dont want to but i guess its a chance to dress up in my emo style since i dont go out a lot c:

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oh yea and i need 2 ask my mum if i can get a ushanka i rly have been wanting one its rly cute i love them

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also when i know css & html a lot better i wanna make a guide cuz i remember when i was learning BBcode i had made a guide cuz i knew it rly well and it was rly fun now i wanna make a css & html one cuz those r a more widely used language

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ajhhh and i just remembered my bf's birthday is coming up so i have to make him a song and i have no idea what to make cuz i wouldnt be good at making soft songs at all >_<" which he rly likes those kinds of songs so maybe ill make him a poem instead idk lol

harsh halo Sep 1, 2025, 7:16 AM

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okayy i think i finished this beat it sounds actually pretty good im kinda suprised but it lagged my computer so bad prob cuz of the hi hats lol and i still have to do vocals T_T this is also loud turn down ur volumn if u play :D

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its not very scenecore like i wanted it 2 be but its alright ill js make the lyrics very scenecore :p

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its like not very good but its wtv lol i might get better along the way maybe

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the stuff i dont rly like is the kick and i feel like i overdid the hi hatsandthe 808s' u can barely hear so i guess there is learning along the way and im growing my sfx collection im so happy with that tho c:

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and i need to lean more into what sound i wanna make idk how 2 do it yet i prob need more bitcrush and stuff lots of fx which i didnt rly add so make that loud sound that i want

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my computer might explode from how laggy this is TOT

harsh halo Sep 2, 2025, 4:29 AM

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i finally wrote my lyrics and i picked a different cover but its a bit inapproiate so id keep it off here lol imma js redo the beat again i dont rly like the new one i did lol i keep redoing it

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also 2 day i got to talk with my sister abt a lot of things im super happy she was asking stuff abt lgbtq+ and like stuff like that so im happy i was able to connect with her more personally w/that stuff c:

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and we were talking abt music and her fav artists and songs and i got 2 talk a little abt my music and she didnt judge me so that was fun

harsh halo Sep 2, 2025, 8:11 AM

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i think this one is good i think im getting better at producing it sounds a lot better than the other 2 !! prob turn down ur volumn cuz its kinda loud if u listen

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now i have 2 sing and do the fx for the vocals which i am not rly excited 4 cuz my voice isnt how i like it but its fine i can prob get the song done 2nit since i already have the lyrics and stuff but i doubt it cuz its already 3 am lol

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rghh i do not want to do vocals sooo bad cuz i hate my voice so much like why do i have to sound so feminine i wish i could have a masculine voice but sometimes ppl say i have a soemwhat masculine voice but its like not very masculine so ppl can still tell rghhh

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its so annoyinggg i js want my voice to be how i want it to be but ill js try to put a lot of fx on so then i wont even know its my voice and hope that works idk lol??

harsh halo Sep 2, 2025, 8:56 AM

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harsh halo i think this one is good i think im getting better at producing it sounds a lot ...

i might show 2 my family cuz i need opinons 2 make sure i actually am better or its actually good lolol but idk my family listens 2 very different things from me and sometimes they r kinda bias so i might go somewhere else idk

harsh halo Sep 2, 2025, 9:01 PM

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gonna make more beatsss and i gotta learn how 2 do vocals no clue how'd do that but yea im bored so imma make more beats oh i should share my beat 2 my friend i showed my mum and dad and i think they liked it idk lol

harsh halo Sep 2, 2025, 9:19 PM

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harsh halo also ive been tryna find my music alias and i really like boycannibal it has a r...

prob doing a different alias cuz my mum didnt like boycannibal lolol i told her i also liked offlinedeath and she liked that one better so i might do offlinedeath instead O_<

harsh halo Sep 2, 2025, 11:04 PM

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another onee i js finished its prob not done i might edit it idk lol

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i dont love it as much but its okay :p

harsh halo Sep 3, 2025, 3:15 AM

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ahh i just learned u gonna need a disbrutor if u wanna post on spotify which is fine i guess but i dont have 25 dollars i might js ask my mum if she could but idk i might js mainly post on soundcloud and yt cuz its a lot easier and free-ish i guess but i might get spotify later when i get a disburtor or when i get money cuz im not the richest person lol

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its so fun to make beats now b4 i used 2 get frustarted rly easy but now its a lot easier it feels like and i can js make them so thats fun c:

harsh halo Sep 3, 2025, 7:12 AM

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god i do not know how 2 sing LOL but it makes the song kinda bad which i like it kinda bad idk lol i think im tryna make myself feel better

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i wanna get this song out 2nit cuz ive been wanting 2 4 like a month prob now idk so i wanna offically do it

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my voice is sooo annoying i hate it so bad imma try 2 bring it down some semitones so then it sounds less gendery or feminine ig??? idk lol anything 2 make myself feel better

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yay i finished im tried so its like wtv if it sucks imma js post it anyways lol yayy my first song i posted thats fun even tho the vocals suck its wtv cuz i need this out there and lowky i wanna do smth else rn so yah i wanna make more beats

stuck swan Sep 3, 2025, 7:29 AM

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I love to hear your productions!! thanks for sharing!!

harsh halo Sep 3, 2025, 7:46 AM

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ty so much c:

harsh halo Sep 3, 2025, 6:56 PM

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i made another beat cuz i was bored took me all morning so i shuld prob eat now :p

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2dayyy i wanna work mre on html and css cuz ive been working on music a lot so imma work on smth idk lol

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i dont rly like the song i posted but ill try again with vocals next week im prob gonna ask my mum 2 get an actual mic but 2day isnt all bad

harsh halo Sep 3, 2025, 8:15 PM

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ahh i hate singing i think ill js be a prod 4 a bit until i get better at singing idk i need a mic i asked my mum 2 get one but once i get it ill seeeee i think

harsh halo Sep 3, 2025, 9:09 PM

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lol im gonna make my producer tag a cat meowing lol

harsh halo Sep 3, 2025, 11:39 PM

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here r all my finished beats/instrumentals i removeddd my vocal one from this playlist im not proud of it lol... so id keep it off i might not do vocals 4 awhile

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https://soundcloud.com/offlinedeath/sets/all-my-songss

SoundCloud

offlinedeath

all my songss

all my songz so far c:

▶ Play video

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today was good i liked 2day it wasnt super bad im happy ive been learning my sound more its rly nice i wanna do free for profit beats i hope i can become i good prod C:

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imma make another beat 2nit prob maybe idk lol i havent been doing html css a lot so i prob should do that laterr

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i like how all the beats turned out im pleasently suprised that they actually came out good ♪(^∇^*)

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also its loud music if u play the playlist turn down ur volumn!!

harsh halo Sep 4, 2025, 1:35 AM

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i made another one i rly like this one it sounds pretty nice i luv making beats now turn down ur volumn if u listen its kinda loud

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i think i might make this 4 my bf cuz its kinda like it feels like this sound wuld be pink and love or smth idk lol

harsh halo Sep 4, 2025, 6:45 AM

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ahh im going 2 the beach tmrw or today i dont rlly know so ig thats fun ive only been like 3 times b4 so yea c:

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i wish i culd go 2 the beach more cuz its super nice over there but we never go so idk how its like a lot but the beach i go 2 the water is dirty u usually cant see the bottom and i wish u culd

harsh halo Sep 4, 2025, 7:05 AM

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also im starting online schoolll finallyyy im excited cuz ive been so bored ive been doing random stuff this whole time lol so its nice 2 be able 2 do smth now

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but i dont like it at the same time cuz ppl try 2 talk 2 me cuz everyone knows i have online school basically so its kinda annoying :/ cuz i dont rlly wanna talk w/ppl on my phone i dont rly like anyone irl lol not even my friends expect like one person kinda everyone ik is online and i like them a lot more lol but anyways its soo annoyinggg talking 2 those ppl on the phone like i dont wanna talkkk so hopefully when i start up online school ppl bother me less when they r staying home or smth idk lol

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also i think i wanna redo my spacehey acc cuz idk lol i js want smth fresh c:< rn its more gorey more like meatcore cannibalcore but i wanna move 2 a more emo ish kind of stuff like i might do uh like snipercore or losercore or smth 4 my new layout imma put my original code in a doc i might share it here be warned the code it like extremely messy and some of it has stuff i took from ppl and some i coded myself lol but i took out the credits along time ago cuz i didnt think i needed it but i learned now in html those r comments so when u look at the console u can see who did it so now when i take ppls layouts ik 2 keep that in now

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but uhm anyways the song that i put the vocals in i took down cuz i had like basically a breakdown so i couldnt keep it up ;( but i wanna try vocals again prob when im older so ig ill js be a prod 4 like 4 yrs until i get my hands on t so then i can get my man voice >_< or smth lol cuz i dont have the patience 2 train my voice even tho ik itd pay off prob i js dont wanna...

harsh halo Sep 5, 2025, 1:05 AM

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i made a new beat c: i was working on html and css all today so i only had time 2 make one and tmrw i wont be able 2 make any 4 a few days cuz im going 2 the beach

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but i might be able 2 make beats idk cuz imma def bring my computer since i wanna work on css and html shit so yea :D

harsh halo Sep 7, 2025, 4:31 AM

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rghhh today sucked i mean we got 2 go a lotta places but im so tired and drained at the beach i didnt get to take my shirt off even tho i put tape on my mum wouldnt let me so i js went to go sit on the beach chair the whole time while i js watched my brother and dad cuz i didnt wanna mess up my shirt but i js wanted a bit of eurphoria but i js got a lot of dysphoria instead

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and we kept going places when i was so tired like it was 1 hr break then we had to do smth else see smth else sometimes we didnt even take a break we js went to the next the then the next thing

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which is like fine ig but its super tiring like i wanna do nothing

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and the whole time i had 2 hear deadname this she that her right in front my face baby girl princess wtv the fuck they want 2 call me its so annoying i wish they'd js shut up and i did yell at them telling them 2 stop and js not talk 2 me which i kinda feel bad for but i can only take so many hits

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now i found out i have a dentist appointmet really soon this is going 2 be the death of me cuz i havent been taking care of myself 4 awhile so all they will do is nag me i hope my mum forgets its on that day i only have 5 days to fix my shit b4 we go ughhh this is so stressful

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but atleast i read this one manga or smth idk lol but i found it online and it was actually really good so yea we go hmoe tmrw tho ughh i wanna run away so bad tho mmmmmmmmmm

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ughh imma have 2 brush my teeth and stuff omg i havent been wearing my rubber bands either so they will js be able 2 tell ahodhfvaioehwieharmaioah this is so annoying

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why cant it be easy 2 take care of myself without it feeling like a chore

harsh halo Sep 7, 2025, 5:29 AM

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helpppp my kt tape is coming off my back it hurts so bad i have no oil and its like 12 am T_T

harsh halo Sep 7, 2025, 9:34 PM

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yay i just got home c: imma work on css and html stuff now cuz idk what else 2 do

harsh halo Sep 8, 2025, 6:55 AM

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feeling so much bottom dysphoria rn idk what to do :(

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i have school tomorrow i think idk i got accepted on friday so idk when i start hm

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i feel like ripping my body apart rn rghhh this is so annoying i wish id wake up a different person :/

harsh halo Sep 8, 2025, 9:10 AM

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i think its over between me and my bf cuz he hasnt talked 2 me in 4ever imma js say it is ughhh i feel so alone again

harsh halo Sep 9, 2025, 4:57 AM

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im so happy im working on my site now and i think i finally have an idea :ddd

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i wanna make this site like my homeee if that makes sense??????

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here let me share some img i have 2 so far but its like gonna be the living room and hotspot icon c:

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its like my online home >:3

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the drawing is like super lazy but i want it to be a lot so u dont notice how bad i draw hihi

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i used 2 do a lot of 3d cuz i think my art teachers were obsessed w/that or smth idk but a lot of ppl liked how i drew so i wanna draw more again i dont draw ppl that much but i try anyways i also draw more realistic and traditional so yea but i like drawing ppl 2 i made a few i think i shared it here??

harsh halo Sep 10, 2025, 4:59 AM

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aheuahcmh i think my hair is getting darker i feel like its thicker this makes me happy c:<

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also tmrw i finally start school yayyy........ im not excited but its wtvv

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im soo bored tho idk what 2 dooo i have 2 do smthh i havent made a beat in awhile but i dont feel like it rn i think imma work on css and html maybe idk

harsh halo Sep 10, 2025, 8:21 PM

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ohh my god...... i finally got into the online school so im doing the work rn but they expect me 2 finish like 4-5 weeks of work in less than a week i want 2 become a blop omg... im so stressed outtt

harsh halo Sep 11, 2025, 3:46 AM

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ahhh.. i completed unit one of one my classes now i have 2 do that 4 i think like 6 more classes im soo tireddd T_T

harsh halo Sep 11, 2025, 4:42 AM

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i wish i could escape from life so bad mm

harsh halo Sep 12, 2025, 7:53 PM

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omg this is so much work i want to cry i barely got through any of it i still have so many assignments i wish someone would help me and just do it for me my brain feels like its dying :(

harsh halo Sep 12, 2025, 11:02 PM

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i js put new tape on and i feel so good rn c:

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i will do work tomorrowi need a breakkk

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ee i told my mum i think my stash was getting better then she went on about biology and just said it was normal for girls ;( i wish someone would celebrate things like this with me instead of bring in lectures or wtv

harsh halo Sep 17, 2025, 9:03 PM

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eee i made racoon tail clip on thingies they're so cute i luv them >u<

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also im glad they arent as feminine as i thought they would be so thats nice i would share a picture but it has my face in it

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also i cried in the shower earlier cuz my mom kept calling me feminine stuff and my deadname like kept pointing it out it was kinda annoying :(

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also not to get polictal or anything but its abt recent news so my mum rlly supports kirk and it kinda makes me worried cuz of the things he said it feels like my mum rly didnt have any personal growth since i was known 2 be trans so thats kinda scary !!

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especially if there gets more violence in my area since its texas there might which makes me extremely neverous cuz idk if my mom will help me or js abadon me so im scared if that happens

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but ive been trying 2 keep my mind off stuff and i have been coding and watching vids so thats fun ^_^

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also i havent made a beat in a long time so i think today i wanna do that but idk i havent had motivation 2 do a lot of things and i kept going back 2 bad ways of coping i need 2 get this nail polish away from my bed but yea ive been document things on my personal google drive idk if ill share it on here cuz it has lots of my opinions and stuff

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also i want 2 grow out my fake side burns and turn them into real racoon tails CX

harsh halo Sep 19, 2025, 3:49 AM

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im gonna be able 2 hang out with my friend this weekend im excited c:

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and ive been working on my website thingy or smth and its super cool im rly proud of it >u<

harsh halo Sep 19, 2025, 9:19 PM

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ahh why do i have 2 have a voice T_T

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cuz uh i was wearing my raccoon tail extension thingies the stuff i made like a few days ago and this girl said she liked it and i said thank u but my voice sounds so girly i feel dysphoric now.. :(

harsh halo Sep 22, 2025, 4:15 AM

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i hate being alive so bad rn i wish i wasnt born this sucks my family doesnt even care abt me

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this world is such a bitch i js wanna cry and i wish someone would hug me and say its okay and i js get to be in a comfortable blanket with cookies instead of this but okay

harsh halo Sep 23, 2025, 8:22 PM

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i am playing a site i never playd b4 Cx

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its flight rising ive been getting dragons but im working on their levels so i can get money easier lol

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here is the link if u wanna see my dragons they r mainly eyeburns and meat dragons lol

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https://www1.flightrising.com/lair/745251

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cuz i dont have their images downloaded so ye

harsh halo Sep 25, 2025, 2:48 AM

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omg i think my bf came back im so happy he hasnt said anything yet but yea i think i saw him online i hope he comes back ive been so bored :c

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also i js finished my website well its not done but its close to done i js have 2 add stuff like more pages but i have the base done !!

harsh halo Sep 27, 2025, 3:54 AM

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err my hair is getting long again mainly in the back i want 2 grow out the front so i can get racoon tails but i might ask my mom to cut the back 4 my :p

harsh halo Sep 27, 2025, 6:42 AM

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zomg i found in fr a er warrior catz game that is rng and imma play it imma have fun >u<

harsh halo Sep 27, 2025, 5:29 PM

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my bf js broke up with me haha life sucks :(

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but its okay i will try not to focus on it too much i will just write or draw idk

harsh halo Sep 29, 2025, 10:17 PM

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im soo boreedddd idk what to do XD

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i drew earlier it was 4 someonez little character (tw 4 bladez/scissors)

#

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alsoo i did make a new beat last night or two days ago ?? i think its okay i dont luv it the most XD but since i havent made one in forever i decided 2

harsh halo Sep 30, 2025, 1:05 AM

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err my family keepz deadnaming me and misgendering me and its kinda getting really annoying i feel like i lash out quicker now and tell them to not talk 2 me or shut up more and also ive been getting violent thoughts now so i dont think this is good :c but i dont want 2 correct them even tho im out to my whole family now idk how 2 get them 2 js call me the right name or pronounz T_T

harsh halo Oct 1, 2025, 1:17 AM

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ee i made some kandi this is my first time let me get a picture of it rq cuz i wanna show i like it lolz

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sorryy its blurry my hand was shaking Cx

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i have another one but it has my name on it i wanna make more its so fun lolz

harsh halo Oct 1, 2025, 2:58 AM

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i got the wrong string tbh i got clear onez and its like not the ebst 2 tie so tmrw im gonna pick up more beads with my mum and imma ask 4 different string :p

harsh halo Oct 1, 2025, 7:23 AM

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i am sooo bored its 2 am but i dont wanna sleep cuz ill have 2 do school work xC life feels soooo boring rn :p

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i want 2 make kandi since i js learned but i cant cuz my sister is sleeping and wants the life off i cant wait 2 get my own room once my mom finally wants 2 start working on it XD

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also song i really have been obsessing over idk lolz i started listening after i broke up cuz i was feeling ||really suicidal|| so this helped Cx also there is like blood (i think its fake) in the cover so sorry 4 that :,c || https://open.spotify.com/track/3k5YgCMCJ9zRXZAkJCuFmT?si=a3a871f3dd484fb2

Spotify

Take my life

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also i think i am on art block cuz ive been trying 2 draw smth 4 life a few hrs but i have like zero idea what 2 draw :p i dont rly have anything 2 rant abt XD so im js saying stuff

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oh yk my family still keeps deadnaming me and i think they r starting 2 notice i get angry at them XD so yea also i wanna show a few kandi patternz i wanna do c:< (prob tmrw lolz)

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these r the ones imma do XD these arent some i made i js found them on kandi patterns.com :p (their link should be in the alt text if u wanna see them cx)

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OH YEA also i saw some ppl do tarot redaing thingz and i wanna try XD even tho i am not spiritual my mom does them sometimes so imma get help from her and js give ppl free readingz cuz its fun when i do it on myself :p

harsh halo Oct 1, 2025, 9:18 AM

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shouldnt be up this late but i drew someonoez dragon lolz (its humanoid but yk lolz)

harsh halo Oct 1, 2025, 9:58 PM

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art i made 4 someone >u< (they gave me permz 2 share i wanted 2 make sure they were okay with it c:>)

harsh halo Oct 2, 2025, 8:13 AM

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im sooo bored againnn :p idk what 2 do i should prob sleep but i dont rly want 2 rghh

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also ive been working on kandi im doing a larger project and its taken me 3 hrs and im not even half way done yet T_T

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imma get more beadz tmrw cuz i dont have all the colors i want so yea Cx

harsh halo Oct 4, 2025, 3:59 AM

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ive been so busyy all day T_T (doing nothing LOLZ js my excuse cuz i was playing flight rising)

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ART DUMP THO cuz ive been drawing a lot lolz

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okay so i wanna talk abt these 2 guyz these r my dragonz rn the only pair i worked on tryna get them matching familiars and skinz XD

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BUT anywayz lolz they r both gay but i can still breed them !! (cuz they r different sexez) the black haired one is radio and the green haired one is toxin i decided their pair name will be radioactive XD (ALSO IN THE 3RD PIC I FORGOT 2 DRAW THEIR HORNZ XC)

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some infoz on them the black haired one is a demiboyy (he/they) and the green haired one is tranzz (he/him) toxin is super energetic and as u can see he is scene and also enjoyz making kandi and sleeping on top of radio XD

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okay radio he is like emo edgy but around his bf their like a different person lolz all sweet and shit its cute !!! they're super into diy fashion Cx and make most his bfz fashion attire and his !

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anywayzz more artz ive been doing (i got permz from everyone 2 be able 2 post these i js wanted 2 make sure they didnt care lolz)

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there is this mushroom person they were super cute lolz it was so fun drawing this since i havent drawn a mushroom in FOREVERZZ lolz

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now js ppl i drew lolz i didnt draw very many not mayn ppl asked XD but it was super funz

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also i wanna do more of my dragonz in my liar thingy i have these 2 they also r bfz (i promise not all my dragonz r dudez LOLZ) but one is hannibal the other is sirloin >u< then i have a 2 otherz they r gfz one is named ribeye the otherz arteries so yah !!

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ive js been doing lotz of art and random shit since i dont have a bf 2 bother anymore lolz

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also i never said this but when i went 2 the beach i liked being there cuz like we went 2 this restraunt and the waiter called me sir ahhh my first sir im so happy !!!!!!!!! even tho that was like weeks ago i still wanted 2 say it cuz idk if i did XD

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but goddd i hateee being home but i dont wanna go 2 that school cuz deadnaming is js gonna be worseee cuz when im home i try so hard not 2 go 2 my dad cuz he js deadnames me and misgenders me the whole time its so annoying and he calls me baby girl and shit :/ also errghh i need 2 cut my hair its 2 long in the back i look so feminine T_T

harsh halo Oct 4, 2025, 9:36 PM

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ahh 3 hrs i finished drawing my second pairing haha.... my eyes burn T_T

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but ill show :D !! so okay here is their pair art (i dont have a pair name 4 them so yea lolz they r cannibal loverz) ALSO YES THESE 2 R GAY 2 i promise i have women in my lair i js havent drawn them yet i promise the next one r 2 galz T_T

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this one is sirloin !! honestly i dont have much 2 say abt them he like being bitten or smth idk XD he love collecting bonez and stuffz X3

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this is hannibal he likez bitting his bf he luvz 2 cook !! hes also into reading (horror novelz and true crime ||cannibalz|| lolz)

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they both go by he/him but anywyz i havent been doing a lot today js been drawing these 2 XD and i posted on my art gallery so yea :3

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also i wanna show a few songz that ive been playing a lot i found these songs not long ago but ik all the artist so yea i luv the songs !! (also some the covers might be like scary ?? sorry 4 that :,c)
https://open.spotify.com/track/0o1ilvwlMZIXtsYXjp1ccc?si=1e9cba559cf34019
https://open.spotify.com/track/3et99VJPiawNMwTfC9vJjL?si=68579137f04244e2
https://open.spotify.com/track/29x8oiBfkCyNWbd1lB0Pbx?si=1e551ad0db354927
https://open.spotify.com/track/0HOk0X8KjggOD8THLBxLJg?si=f3eec8119bf14717

Spotify

The Stxlker Type

Spotify

ilyihy

Spotify

famous

Spotify

loser

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also im so sad i havent been working on my website ive had no motivation T_T i wanna try 2 get some of the stuff done on there but idk yet lolz

harsh halo Oct 6, 2025, 2:48 AM

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my 2 girlzz !!! they r together XD i luv them tonz <33 i think they were either my first or second pair ^_^

harsh halo Oct 6, 2025, 10:18 PM

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ughh okay i just finished a whole arm of kandi expect the upper part just the forearm which im super proud of but i need 2 vent rq cuz i showed my mom (i dont even know why i even share to my family anymore but :/) anyawys so i showed my mom the whole sleeve (i think is what they call it) and OFC she has to misgender me and the other person (who im like 99% sure was trans based on what my sister told me so yea) and basically she was like yea i saw another girl with braclets like that, like way to go you just ruined my day dude i woke up in a good mood 2 bro i js finished smth really hard yesterday and i get 2 js relax a little today then she says that shit and ive already been misgendered like multiple times to day by my parents cant they just learn to honestly srry 4 my swears but just shut the fuck up seriously if they dont want to respect me why do they even say shit to me at all just close your mouth if you arent saying anything to make my mood better ts pmo

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it feels like im fighting so hard 2 js be called the right things by my parents i still dont feel fucking normal because no one even calls me my name or pronouns not even my friends its so tiring being alive i feel like i constantly have 2 be alive as someone else instead of my people just making me feel normal and like myself T_T

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its so annoying i dont think imma draw today tho cuz this whole thing did kinda upset me im so tired of being misgender its started to really get to me now rghhh if only my people just called me the right stuff then i would just want to actually talk to them instead of avoiding everyone

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i wish people respected meee in my circle i guess its really frustarting 2 have 2 do this like everyday i feel like i have to recome out to people again and again for them to still not get it right like why do i have to be in this transphobic family they still talk shit abt trans ppl behind my back expect my dad he still says that in front of me its so annoying

harsh halo Oct 7, 2025, 3:01 PM

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i made some singlez in kandi XD i think i wanna make more but idk what words 2 do

harsh halo Oct 7, 2025, 11:31 PM

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omg im so stressed out the school threatened 2 withdraw me cuz i havent been doing a ton of work cuz im so burnt out rn T_T rghhh this is so stressful why doesnt this school give me some graceeee i started not too long ago i cant get like 2 months work done in a few weeks to a month sigh T_T

harsh halo Oct 10, 2025, 12:39 AM

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ughh my dad is going 2 make me and my siblings call up our grandma like i do not want to talk to someone who doesnt even care about me or love me :/

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they basically starved me 4 a few years because i was forced 2 go to sunday school it was oly for sunday and saturday but i didnt get to eat those days because they'd feed me food that i didnt like since im really picky so id throw up the food or throw up cuz i didnt eat for so long then they make me pray to something i dont even believe for like an hour a day and i was always called disrespectful if i didnt listen or i didnt do smth they wanted me to T_T i dont want 2 talk 2 these ppl i might js ask my mom if i can get out of it cuz i dont wanna talk 2 them and say happy birthday 2 her if she doesnt even care about me she never says happy birthday to me hell that side of the family doesnt even like us because my dad didnt marry who they wanted :/

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idk why my dad wants to talk 2 them so much sure its his family he can do that but that side they are fucking assholes to your kids and wife so dont drag us along with you you can say happy birthday to her plus my dad isnt even in my life a lot so i dont even wanna hang out with him since he thinks trans is bad anyways and woke and gay ppl and shit if anything they r the disrespectful ppl :p

harsh halo Oct 10, 2025, 10:12 PM

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ughh i have 2 go 2 this football game and its so boring T_T like there isnt even any hot guys there im kidding lolz but fr its loud and im not into sports that much but i have 2 go because my mum is making us cuz my sister is preforming or smth :p i might bring my headphones just incase its too loud cuz sometimes i get panic attacks when there is a lot of people and its loud so ill bring that just in case i need 2 calm down cx

harsh halo Oct 10, 2025, 10:30 PM

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ughhh i swear if i hear my deadname one more time im going 2 flip my lid i feel like im about to cry :(

harsh halo Oct 11, 2025, 10:13 PM

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i cant take it anymore hearinghis stuupid fucking name coming from ppl i have no more patience its getting really annoying now and people calling me they/them or she/her i cant its so annying

harsh halo Oct 14, 2025, 3:38 AM

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yay ive been making so much kandi 4 like 3 days straight lolz

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4 halloween i wanna be tac nayn with a cowboy hat idk LOLZ

harsh halo Oct 15, 2025, 2:17 AM

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ive been working on my outfit and its so good so far >:3 i js got a cowboy hat and ive got my shirts now i js have 2 work 4 like a few days on kandi and a tail cx

harsh halo Oct 16, 2025, 4:02 AM

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man i feel so fucking unlovable and worthless

harsh halo Oct 16, 2025, 11:56 PM

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ughh why do i even hangout with my fucking family its so annoying atleast my mom tries and correcting herself when she gets it wrong sometimes i just have to show obvious discomfort but my dad never even fucking tries he js makes it hurt more ik he'll never see me as his son and my siblings will never see me as their brother its so annoying i wish my mom would just help me for once instead of being like why dont they just call you m like that fucking helps news flash it doesnt its not my name its not even masculine and you act like a name helps when in front my face its just she her she her she her sissy sister daught daughter sissy sister she her she her all the fucking time im so sick of this

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sorry i cussed a lot ik isay its super annoying all the time but its like crtical hits everytime now and no one helps me arond me sure i got my hair all chopped off like it helps because my mom thinks it a fucking privilage to even live as myself anyways not like my dad even fucking cares about me hes never even fucking around and he didnt even take care of me properly when i was a child and ignore me so he doesnt even love me unless i do shit he wants and my siblings my brother is always liek your a girl no your a girl all the fucking time like stfu istg and my sister says she supports yet does fucking nothing and js tells everyone around her that im a girl still like thanks really helps with my mental health

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my mom atleast calls me he/him soemtimes but msot the time its just that thing this one they/them it/its all the time like are you really that uncomfortable saying my actual pronouns to my fucking face and she'll deadname me and misgender me behind my back like thanks for making this so much harder on me and make me have to come out to mroe people and wonder why im ||suicidal|| and want to avoid everyone all the time

harsh halo Oct 17, 2025, 6:22 AM

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ahh i just asked my crush out and he said yes i guess this makes up from the bad stuff today

harsh halo Oct 18, 2025, 3:14 AM

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NO they took off some my top songs on spotify T_T rip my fav song was funeral </3
https://open.spotify.com/track/5vrsz5TwRmDo5zZf18jbA1
https://open.spotify.com/track/3vDeKN259JIpmq5IgggLzn
https://open.spotify.com/track/1TGgDN8AMMUqggTkvxAX3e

Spotify

kill me after sex

Spotify

funeral

Spotify

victim

harsh halo Oct 18, 2025, 10:12 PM

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rghh why does my dad try to hangout with me sometimes its annoying cuz all he'll do is smell like fuckin cigars which gives me a headache and sometimes alchol then he'll js show me old pictures of myself and be like i love you my daughter and shit like stfu and go away istg my mom doesnt do it as much like she'll show me pictures of before i transition and said its her favorite pictures wow makes me feel REALLY good about myself im glad they dont sexualize my body anymore like damn i know i have a chest can u stfu abt it i dont need 2 be reminded

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yipee tho my dragons r abt 2 hatch tomorrow im so excited even tho its like 1 baby lol..

harsh halo Oct 19, 2025, 6:57 AM

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omgg my siblings piss me off sooo bad i cant wait till i never have 2 fvking see him again my goodness cuz my brother is constantly everytime im like i am a boy i go by he/him or someone calls me derek or some sht and hes like noo your a girl you cant do that or something and it pisses me off so bad then my sister she has a transgender friend she can support him and ask for his pronouns and call him his name but she just cant fucking do that for me can she and im already out to her but its she girl deadname constantly all the time like thanks for not asking even tho i told you like no one in my fucking family even supports me expect my mom and i think she only does it js so i dont ||shoot myself|| because she already knows im suicidal and sht yet she doesnt correct my siblings never helps me and then barely calls me he/him like most i get some days are probably they/them or that one thats it and im lucky if it even fucking gets correct she- he like rarely happens :/

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i wish he could text me rn cuz i wanna talk 2 him and be happy rn but ughhh ofc he cant :/

harsh halo Oct 19, 2025, 7:53 AM

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im lowky bored imma make a packer lol since its like 3 am and idk what 2 do lolz

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also the baby dragon hatched :D lemme get her picy

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:3 shes so cute i luv herrr

harsh halo Oct 19, 2025, 8:10 PM

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omgg i hate this fucking house i cant wait until im 18 and i can just leave

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anyways here is my halloweeen costume idea imma start working on it todayy only the head tho not going 2 be able 2 be shirtless cuz my cousin isnt going 2 let me so yk :/ and its not like my mom was gonna let me anyways if i went out with her so yk but its a fun costume layout rn maybe ill be shirtless in my room atleast

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and i meant 2 make the apron longer but oh well lol

harsh halo Oct 20, 2025, 3:46 AM

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rahh ive been working on it and its almost done yipeee i js need the pipes the mesh uhm yup and the dibits 4 the mask btw the sword and skirt thingy idk lol i dont have yet i do have boots that look like that so yayy its actually turning out so good if i finish it imma show it here >:3 cuz im super proud of it

harsh halo Oct 21, 2025, 12:16 AM

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rehh i got a small cut i like the taste of blood lolz X3 also i like salt tastes

harsh halo Oct 23, 2025, 4:12 AM

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LOL I FOUND THESE ALIEN REACTION THINGIES IM USING THESE ALL THE TIME NOW

harsh halo Oct 23, 2025, 10:24 PM

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bro omgg istg my dad wants 2 hangout with me and i do not wanna hangout with him he askes like every month and its annoying like hbu u first be present in my life and treat me like a dude b4 i hangout with you pmo

harsh halo Oct 25, 2025, 5:59 AM

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i wanna die rn ughh

harsh halo Oct 26, 2025, 3:02 AM

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hehe kibben https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VSR4_tAYvw&list=LL

YouTube

Steevski

Scottish Fold munchkin

My new 6 week old Scottish Fold munchkin kitten, that we actually named Munchkin, but we usually call her Munchie.

For some more vids of Munchie check out my channel.

▶ Play video

harsh halo Oct 26, 2025, 4:41 AM

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omgg istg my cousin wants to live off me when i go to college ik hes prob joking but im gonna be fucking broke when i get into college i cant js make a shit load of money to let someone leech and live with me omg i cant wait until im 18 and cutting off a bunch of ppl cuz i hate this f-ing family im not that good enough to get good jobs that quick

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why does like everyone in my life wanna use me or stress me the fuck out constantly i have to play therapist apparently to my mom and shit and im forced to be a sister then my dad constantly wants me to get him shit then when im older i have to fucking get him materal shit ugh i literally cant wait 2 be away from these ppl /srs

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its annoying cuz then they act like they care abt me or we're friends its pisses me off most my friends are already perverts which i have to deal with all the time then my family js wants me to play into what they want or js use me cuz they dont wanna fucking do it themselves it pmo istg

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why does living suck :/

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why do the ppl in my life have 2 be the fucking worse like cant someone actually care abt me

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good notes ig today i made a whole bunch of kandi awhile ago i made some art 4 my bf cuz he was feeling upset so thats pretty cool

harsh halo Oct 27, 2025, 7:33 AM

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omggg i got so many kandi beads and i made so much cuffs yay yay

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and my bf made me so happy when he did a blend thingy on spotify with me it was cool idk XD?

harsh halo Oct 28, 2025, 5:33 AM

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my back hurtss so baddduiashaiesrh lol i made sooo much kandi thsi like whole 3-4 days lol and i can finally display them in my room E: its so cute

harsh halo Oct 28, 2025, 11:17 PM

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omg im working on this big skelanimal cuff this will take me forever im only at row like 16 but there is 29 ahh..

harsh halo Oct 29, 2025, 7:08 PM

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so ive been working on a new artstyle cuz im bored of the one i use rn lol and i like this one a lot hopefully its so cool

harsh halo Oct 30, 2025, 7:34 AM

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feeling so loved rn yipee

harsh halo Nov 2, 2025, 2:40 AM

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rahhh my newest piece :3 also halloween sucked i was lowky crying my eyes out at the end of the night lolz

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I LUV IT SO MUCHHHh

harsh halo Nov 2, 2025, 6:14 AM

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yipee worked on a beat sounds super spooky XD

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also its loud so turn down ur vol X3

harsh halo Nov 12, 2025, 6:57 AM

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omfg ofc my mom has 2 be transphobic 2 a trans girl i h8 her so bad everytime i think shes earning my respect back just because she calls me my chosen name sometimes she never changes her ways i bet she fucking hates that im trans like omfg

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