being so anxious and panicked that I feel like the only thing I can do is cry is makes me feel so pathetic
#Delusions will Spill
daring ingot
But it’s better now, I’m fine, it got done anyways but it’s exhausting always being at this level
Why do I always think there’s some sort of correct way to handle things and I never get it right
It isn’t anyone’s voice anymore but mine
I should exercise today, that would clear my head up
daring ingot
A couple hits in and dark beach is hitting so nice
daring ingot
I feel a little lighter at the shoulders today and I feel good, my nephew was babbling and smiling at me it was so cute
GOT COWS ON THE FARM BABY
Haha
Stardew valley is the context lmfao. Anyways I feel a little happier and better I weighed myself and I surprisingly did not want to spiral and completely crash the fuck out and overall make very bad decisions based on impulses and delusions that I have since now been working on and I’m really proud of myself
I haven’t touched a scale in like 2 years and tbh it frightened the fuck out of me but I DID IT.
daring ingot
I think I’ve been getting better at not pulling back or isolating
or at least I’m trying
It’s so quiet
The urge to yell is so fucking loud though
-# I’ve been sober all day today and I didn’t mind it at all actually. It’s been two days really but that first day was a little stressful and I’m sure that didn’t help but I’m back on track
-# idk why it’s hard for me to remember people do care and don’t just say it
I feel like that’s a stupid fucking thing to say like isn’t that obvious
daring ingot
GOD I HATE THIS HOLE YOU LEFT IN MY CHEST LMFAO
Anger feels so fucking disgusting I hate being so happy and then being back down
I feel your claw marks and I feel so stupid I feel some type of way I feel upset
But it’s not you
Its like I realized it’s a hand shadow
I’m actually yearning for someone else that isn’t you for once and they’re really fucking nice and god I feel like a mess lmfao I have a 1000 thoughts in this bitch like ? Idk it’s not like it’s anything serious but I’m sad because have a crush on someone and I didn’t get to see them today
Ugh 😭
Fucking kill me
Why was that so hard for me to say
Even in my own fucking head it feels like shoving something in a backpack that can’t fit anything anymore lmfao
Idk i just felt guilty for even thinking i could move on. that inner monologue has been on the back burner for a while
I just can’t help but want to just listen to you yap, yap at me please I want to listen to you
Alright
Now I’m deciding if i delete this or not
daring ingot
Panicking but I’m trying to keep myself collected
ugh.. 😕
Why am
I like this
Why is it always feel like I’m going to die I’m so tired of this shit
How do I never have a grip on my own head
How do I screw up being a person so fucking spectacularly why the fuck can’t I just be okay
It’s all my fault it’s always my fault
I’m so tired of this
I’m so tired of myself
What’s wrong with me.
What the fuck is so wrong with me
I just want to be held but the thought of anyone being that close scares me and I don’t deserve it again this is all my fault
When will I fucking learn
🫂
I don’t know what to do but I have to make it work and I will but I’m scared but I have to get moving
again I wish I didn’t feel so alone when my vision tunnels on the panic
I feel like I have to suffer alone I don’t understand why
I don’t want to be that way I’m so tired of being the same 10 voices in my head
I’m scared that I’m too far gone
I feel so unworthy of everything
here we go again 😭😕
I’m sorry
Is everything going to be alright?):
unreal torrent
You are strong. You are worthy. You are beautiful.
daring ingot
Thank you so much 😕🖤
Head feels a little loud this morning but things are going okay !! Am a little hopeful it’ll be okay but I’m very aware of my self talk and self soothing and it’s hard not to feel stupid doing both but yeah that’s the struggle this morning but maybe I’ll look at memes?..
Just feels like I shouldn’t be still and I need to move but I know just need to sit the fuck down and breathe erghhgggg
Been keeping up with my workouts and feeling better and fitting better into my clothes and I feel happy (: I had a slight crash out moment and I tried to throw that in my face but ugh I’m just spending too much time in my head again
I didn’t realize just how isolated I made myself.
Idk I never realized how dumb it sounds that I hinged so many things together
It feels like if I look away for one second and it’ll be ripped away from me
If I take my eyes off of it I’ll be back there again
if I feel my gaze wandering my stomach turns sharply and I panic but that won’t save me that won’t make it better
daring ingot
it all feels stupid and pointless again argh
I’m so tired
Physically and mentally
I worked out today and went on my walk twice today which felt nice but I feel a little stupid
I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone and I’m feeling embarrassed after the fact but I’m happy that I’m trying
it’s weird admitting that I feel lonely. What a stupid feeling
Here I was thinking that the walls were going to become alive and eat me
I feel so sad but I can’t cry anymore
I might as well have a frown tattooed on my face I feel it even when I smile and when I swear that I’m the happiest
Ugh what am I even yapping about
I hate January
That’s it no elaboration just fuck that month in particular
sigh.
daring ingot
Terrified for no reason 😭😕
already have my blanket on me to simulated a weighted one but ugh
Im so tired
I have a weighted plush and it helps
I want to be strong enough to break my own anxious chain but I feel so weak
I hate that I want to miss you so bad but you lied to me at every point
It’s me and my own stupid words
Im going to be alone soon in my house and that makes me worried
Less people and activity I’m already so alone I can’t take it I hate this so bad why did I push myself into this corner
I need friends I can’t keep wanting to tough this out I can’t 😭
I miss everyone ):
This room feels like my grave
Im in so much pain im so tired I can feel my sanity leak out from my ear I want to be whole
How sad is it that even my brain is bargaining if I should have stayed
There was more overlap than I thought and it stings I don’t feel upset but I feel sad
daring ingot
Guys I’m a workaholic
Wtf 😭
WHEN
WHY
WHAT
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT MAKES SENSE
daring ingot
This feeling is rotting me
This silence is so fucking crippling
for a second it was real
For a second I felt a little hope and it felt so fucking warm
It’s so cruel lmfao
daring ingot
Extremely grateful for my co worker they’re so kind and supportive. Finding out I wasn’t the only one super stressed about the project made me feel so much better
Some have even quit because of it so it’s been crazy to see and wonder yk when am I going to be next
That stress was eating me alive I wasn’t sleeping well and this journal can only help me track just how bad it’s gotten
But just one simple conversation helped so much because I asked for help
Sigh
It wish it wasn’t so difficult but hey I did it right
Having to worry about where the money comes from having to worry about everything and everyone and it fucks with you bad but I feel like I’ve always worried about my family like that
I feel so much better ☹️
I can ask for help the world won’t end it’s okay
daring ingot
Hey journal it’s been a minute
my minds been a little more clearer now that I’m not relying on older unhealthy coping mechanisms so that’s been nice (:
Ive been getting out of my shell and getting out there and I feel better
I’ve been anxious in different ways but not nearly as stressed but I still worry people are just going to up and leave and even when that happens I get it but I hate that I still worry about it. Will it ever go away, well I know it does but it gets tiring when getting to know someone. It’s like getting the sticky keys warning every second that I have to manually clear so I don’t overthink
People leave people stay why am I even thinking of that now
It’s been 7 months
Ugh
I wish I lost track
Sometimes I do and I can’t wait until I lose track again
I haven’t been gaming as much though which makes me a little sad
I feel like I lost all interest in it but I have so many games I want to play but just ugh
I feel like I can’t hold everything in my arms
If I go and try and pick that up something else is going to fall
And I have to weigh my options is gaming even that worth it to drop one of the other things I’m focused on? No, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try but man idfk I think too damn much and I’m sick of myself 😭
daring ingot
Something inside me is dead and I hear it rattling and it’s driving me near deaf
you’ll get my tears again I guess whatever
I fucking hate crying
Every tear feels like I’m telling everyone I’m failing and I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I feel so fucking weak
Nothing fills this fucking void NOTHING I FUCKING KNEW NOTHING WOULD WHY AM I SURPRISED
I’m so painfully human