Okay, probably off to bed
#Delusions will Spill
daring ingot
just breathee, ughhhh
i dont remember when i slept
morning has been stressful all because its all in my head and im crazy and everything scares me because im at my limit
coffee doesnt help but you know what
OKAY, ill hydrate thatll help for sure,
to all my homies reading hydrate fr
for a second my anxieties faded away
i saw my dogs asleep with listening to my nephews mobile with my sister
id miss them alot
id miss them so much
i wish i wasnt always thinking of leaving without saying anything
why do i feel so broken
my head tears itself apart and i feel such an empty hole in my chest
ive grieved so much this year, and its only been 4 months
i just want to cry so bad
ive never felt so close to breaking everyday
no matter how hard i try, no matter what i do
i feel so helpless again and thats whats choking me
i feel so alone, but what else is new why is it such a big deal
why is it such a big deal now??
but i remember how hard its been
so hard
times my dad even let me sleep in and hes never given me a break
im trying my best but i still feel like a stupid little boy
medicating myself and already crashing out this early in the morning for what??? lmfao
even if she neglected me so bad and hurt me so bad i cant lie i wish even just her distant and rare words of affirmations were enough but damn how pathetic are you to even say that
is that all im worth to myself? lmfao clearly
but its not a bad thing to miss or want to be feel safe, its not her that i miss or that in specific but i just miss anything
but itll be alright
just have to keep my head in
even if it feels like i cant keep myself together i have to, there is literally nothing else
daring ingot
daring ingot
choosing to not have coffee today because maybe that makes my freak outs worse
overall feel better, probably the smarter decision
daring ingot
I’m so fucking bummed there’s no good records at all, mannnnn
Well there is that Vio-lence album that looks pretty sick
Overall on the panic scale: maybe a 4/10. occasionally spiking to a 6 but I’m coming down easier
I have breakfast to look forward to so I think ill be a bit more relaxed when I have food
My hair is so long now it makes me happy
I have that one audio stuck in my head though
||I hope everyone that’s ever wronged me is DEAD lmfao||
radiant willow
HI, friend. I gotta just share, once I got on the right meds I was able to live a pretty decent life. I know, no one wants to go on meds. I get it. But for me, I'm really grateful. It took me years to take that leap and then years to find the right one. All the best to ya. ps I'm new new on discord, so please forgive me if I'm overstepping, or if I don't respond to you right away. Thank you. Take GOOD care.
daring ingot
Feeling sad, surprisingly not turbulently or anything like that im just so sad
daring ingot
i feel like im losing it
I lost my necklace somewhere
I’m so sad
Ugh I’m upset because i had it for a period of time that was really difficult for me and I had it since I first went back home and ugh
Fuck
God I miss my dog so much
My eyes hurt so bad
I’m
So tired of crying
I can’t listen to any fuck ass song without being triggered so bad
I know the world isn’t ending I just feel a lot and so much I can’t process it all at the same time, doesn’t stop my head from trying but god fuck I feel like I’m weak for just not having my shit together
We taking another trip down Pennedy lane and cranking up the sad songs might as well baby
I might as well roll with it
It’s funny hearing the egotistical thoughts and the humbling side of me go at it, but I’m grateful I started working on myself.
This song is lowkey a guilty pleasure
OFF INTO THE NEW DAYS MIST IIIII RUNNNNN
I miss my baby so much, god I love how much she loved being in my room when I would play metal
I can’t help but smile so much when slayer comes on because I think of the cold mornings I would walk her on and us listening to it. I should sleep soon or try, otherwise I’ll spiral
daring ingot
one moment im up the next im down im back up again lmfaoo
got sea legs the way my fucking mood is so rocky.. no asap
GOD I WANT TO YELL
I never realized just how turbulent i fucking am especially writing everything out
how i am apparently composed? no idea man nevermind a dumpster fire Sherman himself came down to the landfill
I feel like my words just fall out of my mouth and make no sense
I keep having these fuck ass nightmares, im honestly fucking tired but i mean.. what else am i going to do.
Reality just feels fleeting to me at times, i feel so distant from everything. I have to embrace this deafening silence and draining isolation. i want to be selfish i want to relapse i want to just not give a fuck anymore but i cant
i just wish you were here asking me whatever the fuck so i could yap
it feels i havent spoken like that in so long but i know its just me being dramatic
shocker... lol
I dont feel safe with a lot of people at all and im just so mad and disappointed still how the fuck am i still so fucking angry and torn, i feel better on the surface the more i stare the more i see it twist and turn and pull
the only thing that helps break all of this is working out
even then i cry when i lift, i cant help but dig deep into the things that have been triggering for me and turn it into a positive but i still have a lot to learn im not gentle with myself at all. im trying.
||it’s just so hard to not hear your voice telling me how pretty I am after I workout ): telling me how hard I work and that you’re here for me): why waste my time for long and becoming so ingrained in my life if you didn’t care. ||
||your voice haunts me, I’m so tired I fucking hate being in this pain. Life doesn’t let you choose when you’re ready but fuck.||
||I know I’m just wishing that an a illusion lasted longer ||
||but after a while you stopped caring so what am I really missing here? Just the thought of you ||
||I know I’m just feeling emotionally and impulsive. I know I just need to tough it out and get my head back in. It just legit feels like withdrawals because I’m obsessive and codependent. (Don’t we love attachment issues?) It feels like I’m dry heaving when it gets bad. I’ll be better but it’s just so nauseating ||
||I can’t just go back to self destructing, I have to be better I have to try I have to be. I have to be there for myself. No matter how tempting it seems.. ||
What a bundle of joy I am 🖤
Fuck it, imma go lift and then it’s time for dark souls 3 with John F Pennedy
After emotionally vomiting its like a reward
daring ingot
Delusions will Spill
daring ingot
Feeling good after my walk and workouts today (: got more steps in today
daring ingot
||why can’t I ever shake the feeling like I waste every single day ||
||why do I continuously feel like a fuck up and ruin everything when everything is seemingly okay? Why can’t I be still why is everything so fucking loud. What am I even doing. I feel like everything has been fucking pointless but I don’t even know why I’m saying that I’m just constantly turning around trying to make something out of blurs||
||but hearing my parents and sister happy makes me happy, it’s all worth it right? ||
||it just genuinely feels like the inside of me is hideous, why am i like this why do I do this to myself why do I constantly have this battle with myself why am I so fucking angry with myself no matter how hard I try and dress it up because I won’t ever feel like I’m enough. ||
||Why wasn’t I enough for you, I hate that your words are stapled into my mind ||
||I feel so disgusting, I feel like shit I hate that I still want just fucking anything. Yet the first person to come and objectify me after i actually stood up for myself but fuck I’m so tired I hope I get to that point where I feel like I’m not going to die every fucking day ||
||the more i write in here and see all this shit makes me feel so embarrassed. I have all my answers here I’m too fucking batshit crazy ||
||I miss your distance. I miss being so fucking hopeless for ANYTHING from you. You apologized profusely because you said I didn’t do anything wrong and that you were sorry for what this did to me lmfao ||
||why even call me again why just why): ||
||if anyone actually reads these I hope you have a good day bud, the horrors persist but so do we ||
daring ingot
google slack is going to haunt me if god forbid i make it to my 80s
daring ingot
Wait what
May is already next week?
I think I’ve been getting better sleep?? But I keep worrying about work so much even though things have only gone good
Like I’m legit waking up and 4 and obsessing and worrying about my work but my last job was so fucking stressful it’s been a lot to undo a lot of that bullshit but I still find myself worrying so much at night
Maybe that’s why I spiral more after sun down
Im trying to make my right from my left some days but its okay I’ll get through today just like every other day, I even did my routine earlier today and Im hydrating. Im going to take a rest day today since it’s my scheduled day, doing okay ish?
daring ingot
I played some dead space 1 today that was pretty fun, I ordered some stuff, my walk went really good today, overall a good day. I was not on my delusions today
daring ingot
What am I filling this void with, I’m so tired
or trying to
I need to sleep soon, just wish I could stop feeling like I need you, anything
Everyone’s asleep and here I am, restless and grasping at straws
it’s my own fault for always being this way
it’s my own fault I hear you still, finding comfort in broken words that won’t ever be uttered again
why do I insist on torturing myself
why do I check the same places hoping something changes. Not like it would change anything
discarded, abandoned, left behind
again it isn’t new why put up a show now
||it hurts so bad||
||am I prettier when you break me like that? Did it make you happy to make me powerless again? Why wasn’t I enough? You tell me it’s because of you and to not look inward but all I can do is compare myself and it drives me fucking crazy why ||
daring ingot
GOT GOOD SLEEP, ITS WORKOUT DAY TODAY BABY
daring ingot
Everything feels so weird still I can’t describe it
everything feels like it’s either blurry or it’s covered in a layer of film it’s so disorienting
Navigating this.. fog just keeps me on edge. I keep trying to draw but I keep seeing your face, you were so familiar to me. I keep thinking of some post I saw about I knew I wasn’t going to have it because of solely how bad I wanted it
Well I’m fucking empty with my stockpile I had and WELLL fuck lol
no regrets
Well maybe a little
at least I got two full weeks out of everything but one of my fuck ass carts broke and just leaked out. Well I’ll be back up next week
It’s such a rewarding feeling to pay my bills and take care of my family and still get fucked up off my gourd because I ALREADY HAVE GREY HAIRS LMFAO
daring ingot
I miss my pets so much
I wouldn’t be as frayed if I could see them again
I miss everyone so much, I always complain about being alone but someone or something was always there I’m so fucking ungrateful
I can’t fucking remember things if I want to half the time the only times I remember is when it’s lobotomized from me and I have to reach my fingers further and remember, how am I stuck in these cycles god fuck just end me
there’s just so much wrong with me
creaks, bends, tears, cracks, chips
But it’s just you and you now
||I relapsed the other night and I’m just so ashamed||
||I just wish I had a hug. I wish I wasn’t so tired and empty I’m so tired. ||
Oblivion definitely fun as fuck though
daring ingot
Worked out today and went for my walk, feel good(:
I’m trying to reorganize my room but I’m not sure how? I keep saying I’m going to think about it more but I keep getting fucking distracted 😭
I had such a weird dream last night I didn’t even know I was asleep it was so convincing but at least I didn’t wake up feeling like microwaved dog shit
Did some sketching today and I’m happy I do have different things I can do to help keep me occupied and are productive and healthy I have to be more positive
I have such a difficult relationship with myself why am I so annoying
daring ingot
well the fucking snail got to me and back to playing war thunder again because what else am i going to do idk im out of substances
sad rwr sounds, anyways time to hit the fucking hay before i go rambling anymore about my fucking problems because thats NOT very cool of me because i will spiral until its time wake up and clock my ass in
daring ingot
Im so tired, im taking a day off work tomorrow because I really just want to sleep in
daring ingot
I’m missing you so bad
It feels bad to to yearn for you when it doesn’t even matter anymore
What’s the point of feeling this if I know I won’t ever go back or let them in what’s the point of this shit
I don’t have much room in my heart to care about people I shouldn’t be thinking of but you were so fucking important to me it stings
I wish you didn’t say things about our future if you didn’t mean it
Why lead me on for so long I couldn’t wait to grow with you why wasn’t I fucking enough why do I still cry this much
I keep hearing you get out of my head ):
I think of our inside jokes and I get so sad
Out of everything that’s what I’m thinking of
daring ingot
Anyways
I’m playing Pokémon emerald for the first time and holy fucking shit it’s peak
I’m kinda scared to get back into stardew valley..
Just one more day
If no one’s got me, I know halo wars 1 got me
🗣️🗣️🗣️
daring ingot
I miss waking up to you calling me early in the morning on saturdays when you were on the way to work
you were supposed to be here
I’ll be okay, even if I’m not now, or tomorrow
but eventually this’ll go away
just like you right? The pain is that nothing ever lasts and the reassurance is that nothing ever lasts
||I miss you buttercup, I hope you’re hanging in there. No matter what I can’t bring myself to hate you for better or worse.||
daring ingot
I slept like shit because I was up late but I still went on my walk no problem and I feel good (: WATCHING REVENGE OF THE SITH TODAY BABYYY
WOOOOOOO
My face looks a lot thinner than before, I also look a lot happier even if I am stressed out more
I’m really happy with my results of my workouts and walks, I love my dogs so much my lil walking buddies
daring ingot
It was so much fun((:
daring ingot
i hate checking my work stuff on my days off, im so fucking paranoid of coming back to a bunch of bullshit even though it isnt like that for me at this job. I have decent support and im not micromanaged but still i worry and i panic and i need to be better to fight that urge to check
i just hated being blindsided by utter complete bullshit everyday and now that im out of that enviroment it seems that im the only one mentally putting myself back there and just ughhhhhh
daring ingot
Im so paranoid about my manager I know it’s just about my own personal experience from the past but I need to get over this):
It’s not fun worrying every fucking second if she’s just going to pester me about shit and grill me for small stuff it just won’t happen and I need to stop
daring ingot
I hate feeling like a kid when I get so stressed out over silly things like this
I know I’m just worried about not having a job but I can understand the importance of maintaining one but again I come back to theme of feeling helpless and powerless again
Not having a job and being forced to rely on my family when I’m the breadwinner is hard, I don’t ever want to be like that again but I keep circling back in this weird fucking cycle
||you were supposed to be here)):||
||im in so much pain i feel so fucking abandoned I want to throw it away I need to calm down ugh ): ||
daring ingot
😭😭 please fuck dude don’t let that be for me
Freaking out so bad agggghhsgs☹️☹️☹️
It can’t be fucking normal how anxious I am I’m the only one making problems for myself what is WRONG WITH YOU
I hate you google slack
I hate the stupid fucking dm sound thankfully I had it muted but ugh why did my boss quickly text something to a chat myself and a coworker are in before unsending it
You’re not mad right???😭😭
but why is my brain doing this why just fucking why
||im alone I don’t have anyone, it’s just me, it’s my thoughts it’s just me, just delusions and mirages ||
daring ingot
i can breathe again thank god
it makes me sad that i feel like i need this in order to feel anything, but i know it isnt like that or idk
but i can finally hear myself think
just MY own voice
i may have had too many pieces of chocolates and i decided to socialize last night lmfao
i feel a lot better actually
someone said i had beautiful eyes and really pretty hair and i keep thinking about it and just mfdssdf, i really liked that compliment
daring ingot
i want more coffee
daring ingot
Have to change parts in my pc ughhhh
UGGHHHHHHHHHHHG
Hell let loose has been mad fun though
daring ingot
Parts come in today and I’m probably going to do that after work
I’m installing a new cpu cooler and a power supply as well as just cleaning my pc up
so that’ll be fun
I may need new fans but ugh fuck I guess I’ll see
I think this’ll be fine
daring ingot
NEW WEIGHTS CAME IN WOO
CAVEMAN BRAIN HAPPY. HEAVIER WEIGHT, MORE LIFT.
though it was more of just shuffling plates around, im doing 25 db's now and 25 pounds on my cable pulls which will be pretty nice
whenever my parts come in ill dust my computer and install them and hopefully be playing some HLL this weekend
daring ingot
Had a really weird nightmare, of course it seemed so real. I’m a little sad but I’ll get over it but just, how crazy.
daring ingot
feel so good after my work outs
overall im doing okay, im learning to come down a bit better
just keep thinking about my nightmare and feeling bad ☹️
daring ingot
Why do I keep breaking my own heart
I’m the only one doing this to myself
||id do anything to hear you call me your sweet boy again. It’s hard to not feel like I need that type of attention or that I need to seek it out. I need to be better it’s just so tiring ☹️||
||I am doing better bleh, one step at a time. One day at a time ||
daring ingot
I feel so rotten inside
This feeling doesn’t escape me I feel so fucked up and nothing feels right, am I miserable? What’s my fucking deal why can’t I ever just be
Maybe trying to socialize has left me realizing just how shallow I am, this is why you’re alone
I’m just sad, why do I bother why do I try why am I even here what am I doing
I feel like a failure no matter what I do I can’t allow to feel, I can’t stand myself I feel like I’m choking and I’m so lost what am I doing
I’m so alone again, maybe it’s better this way
If I wasn’t such a bitch my grey matter would be thrown like confetti
daring ingot
Had another violent nightmare
I’m so mentally tired
I’m maintaining my routines and stuff but I feel terrible, I feel like so easily discarded I feel worthless
daring ingot
i did manage to not check my work email because usually it makes me very stressed and shit because i think that im going to get yelled at
but everything turned out to be okay
i managed to ignore my anxious thoughts to check my work email every 5 minutes
and im happy because of it(:
i feel like i have too many ups and downs
i wonder how many ive basically documented in here
in a way thats become sort of comforting
i always think the next thing is going to be the one that does me in but i have proof that im still here but ugh
maybe ive healed a little
daring ingot
That feeling is back
that feeling that even though I’m acting like everyone else I feel like I’m doing it wrong I feel so out of place I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin
daring ingot
Okay so
Did some retail therapy
We got two vinyls chat
We got Ride The Lightning and Justice for all, lately trapped under ice and harvester of sorrow have been on my mind
Happy happy happyyyy
Also I feel really good today, well body wise, well sort of idk
I’m starting to lose some fat in my face which I’m happy about but sometimes I still see my other face and idk how I feel about that at times
I hope that gets a little easier but my shoulders are looking good and my core is feeling great
I went on a long walk today and I did my weights and my tracked calories burned and it marked like 1600 which I’m really proud of especially since of how good I feel after being so active today
I’m happy I’m making these changes, sometimes it gets hard especially when I get too much into my head to draw from my stress so I can let go of it because sometimes I dig a little deep and it makes me sad
But it helps so much with regulating my mood swings because I have so many ups and downs and I’m internally yelling 😭
But yeah, idk I love the way my hair looks on me and how I’m looking now and importantly how I feel in my clothes
I’m trying, I’m alive I’m breathing
We’re here guys, one day at a time
Chat should I get out of the house tomorrow and go to my brother in laws house?
I would be being perceived and idk how to feel about that
Maybe I’ll go but idk
It would do me some good I think
But I feel like I just take up space
They’re nice and I’m not rowdy or anything
I do talk to them and I respect their house but for some reason I just always feel like I’m begging for something idfk
It’s just a trip but I’ll see if I tag along or not
His dad is cooking and he makes some really good burgers
Like really good burgers
I feel like I’ve come full circle
But not in a bad way
Something feels different
Again, do I feel happy? I can allow myself to feel it
Sigh
Damn lowkey
Leper messiah fucking SLAPPING RN
My dog jumped in my bed this morning to wake me
It reminded me of my old dog and it made me happy
I have a lot of love in my heart but sometimes it hurts
It registers as pain and I don’t know what to do
I miss my baby so much
God I feel like I’m finally snapping out of autopilot
After putting her down and breaking up with my ex everything just paused but I think I’m finally getting back on my feet and I know these are growing pains but just fuck dude
Emotional vomit
I cried and I didn’t feel bad
for once
daring ingot
already feeling sad): I just woke up for fucks sake
daring ingot
I like that I get to bug my sister now with my plane bs
I’ve always have but
Idk it’s just funny lol
Aye I’m level 25 now lol
-# all from just talking to myself…
-# I love being crazy 
daring ingot
We didn’t go out today but I did sorta take it easy
watched some futurama
I hate feeling so blue
daring ingot
I went on Facebook (I know I’m old)
and one of my friends from my friend group uploaded a pic and it made me sad, I wish our other friend was here
I know it’s that time of year
I hope everyone’s okay, I think about you all
sometimes it’s like I never left
Some days I swear it’s another persons memories in my head
These echoes are so sweet
The best part about something sweet is the lingering after taste, moments have already passed but I swear I can feel them but they’re alien to me
I swear I’m at peace but it’s always some different part of me that’s at odds with itself
Am I just a fucking rubix cube
BEHOLD, A MAN
Yall fucking thought I was lying or exaggerating when I said delusions huh
I am onto absolutely NOTHING
Lowkey
Why is tumblr lowkey looking a little active..
Shenanigans will ensue
God trapped under ice has been on my mind
I DONT KNOW HOW LIVE THROUGH THIS HELLLLLLL 🗣️🗣️🔥🔥
WOKEN UP IM STILL LOCKED IN THIS SHELLLL
FROZEN SOUL FROZEN DOWN TO THE CORE
Seeing my nephew makes me happy
His little baby babbles
seeing my family happy makes me happy, it makes the days a little easier
On the flip side to the craziness chat
We getting leaner and we packing that muscle on
One day at a time
-# if only I still didn’t fight my own perception of myself muahaha
Anyways I should probably stop talking to myself maybe..
Assuming I don’t spiral or idk make myself go crazy but I think we good
I’m also trying to push myself to find new music but ugh 🙃
I guess we’ll see
If talking to myself was a sport I’d be Usain Bolt
daring ingot
I’m starting to sound like you
daring ingot
Frail the skin is dry and paleee the pain will never fillll
and so we go back to the remedyy, clip the wings that get you high
daring ingot
At my meeting I’m so nervous bleh ☹️
I can do this, just breathe
Okay never mind I think I’m fine
daring ingot
-# for some reason I thought my friend blocked me and I got so sad
Alright delusion dealt with
daring ingot
you know what
imma look for some patches today
its been a minute
my dog nabbed my Sepultura one i just bought but to be fair she was a literal puppy when she did take it and it was just under my bed
so
my fault truly
but which bands is the question..
a Death Angel patch would go hard
i dont have them yet
daring ingot
Chat
The stars smiled upon me today
And oh my lord this girl just spoke to me and I LISTENED
daring ingot
I fell asleep so late last night I’m so tired but it was worth it
I pushed myself to get out of my comfort zone
Paid off <:
daring ingot
-# oh god she’s so pretty ☹️
daring ingot
im getting better at not losing my shit to delusions, well at least this time
i doubt ill hear from her like that again and dont expect it but that was really fun, i feel like that gave me some gas in my tank, it felt nice for a moment, knowing it wouldnt go pass a certain point was oddly reassuring. i didnt have to guess or beat myself up for not being good enough or something
things only last for a moment
i hope to at least beat my abandonment issues
i wish i didnt have to smoke so much
yeah yeah its fun and all but
why are these the only times i feel sorta calm
am i just fucked to always run at 1000 miles an hour
but then i started remembering i started so young
thats a whole rabbits hole.
-# at least im checking my messages instead of being sad being tempted to look up my exes profile so i can torture myself because its the equivalent of sticking a dogs nose in shit
i feel like im so dysfunctional 
i want to vomit
-# i ended up deleting the things i posted why did i even do that in the first place i feel so stupid why am i having such terrible regret
-# idle hands
i want to cry so bad why am i so messy why cant i be normal
daring ingot
||stupid puppy. you stupid fucking mutt ||
daring ingot
||im just hurting, im craving hurt so bad im so stupid ||
daring ingot
Feeling better this morning
daring ingot
I hate feeling like I have this hole inside of me ☹️
-# freaky ahh…
LMFAO
Bro I can’t take myself seriously
daring ingot
daring ingot
-# im so fucked lmfao
-# she’d probably ruin me if I gave her the chance to but god I can’t help but want to get closer and ALAS, it won’t ever be
-# for obvious reasons but at least I can vent out feelings unlike before
-# you ever meet people and yk they’re a test lmfao.
-# if I want to be better I have to start by making better choices
-# I know I can’t have her because I obviously would have fucking folded already so I’m proud of that but god I hate undoing this shit
Not making that shit a priority and seeking it out I mean
Or rushing into things without a second thought just because someone treated me a certain way
sigh
Okay yearning vomit over
Time to trash that shit because these are the thoughts I do NOT want
Fuck ass pigeon brain falling for the bread crumb
If any one learns absolutely ANYTHING from this
It’s that; mommy issues will fuck you up unchecked love yourself
daring ingot
I went through a gram in almost two days, it’s a good thing I’m going to be out of it for a while then
Gotta ponder the orb on this one chief
Emotional unavailability 
daring ingot
I stayed up late again
-# she messaged me at 7 and I uh maybe texted her for a couple hours straight…….
-# atp no one can hurt me like my ex did that was pretty fucked up and I’m at a crossroads where I either I’m hung up about and let it stop me from meeting new people and I’m not fucking down for that. People are always going to fucking hurt one way or another
-# it felt so nice to care again
-# I felt so warm.
-# I like when I feel like I can’t hide around someone
-# keep me in the light, i like being seen by you
-# it makes me a little nervous, why me
daring ingot
I love paying rent when the rents due. I love you mom and dad.
daring ingot
Just yap at me please
Also
Vinyls getting here fucking SATURDAY UGH
which I mean
Two days right so not too bad lol.
THE HOES? MF WE’RE IN THE SECOND BATTLE OF GEONOSIS. WE’RE GOING TO DIE
Gotta even out this bs with my regular scheduled delusions
fuck it we ball
Why the fuck is the motionless in white cover of somebody told me so fucking good dude
My brother in law is so chill
He reminds me of my best friend I haven’t seen a long time. He’s so introverted though but yeah it’s chill to blab games with him mentioning him because he actually put me on them
daring ingot
I JUST FUCKING FOUND A KILLING JOKE VINYL GOD YES
NOT BUYING NIGHT TIME HAUNTED ME FOR A LITTLE BIT
WE. ARE. SO. BACK.
daring ingot
||stupid mutt||
I only slept 2 hours, I did a lot of exercise o feel like Garbo because of that
Just shut up and stop self destructing
Not hard
You said you could handle it so handle it
daring ingot
I feel so rotten inside
Why is this feeling so reoccurring
I’m so convinced I ruin everything
I asked for pain and I got it
Idiot
As much as I want to think that I deserve to be happy I don’t
And I’ve tried hard to change that
I’m only useful I only provide that’s it
Back then I wouldn’t cry for anything and now I’m at my limit every fucking day with myself. I don’t know what to do anymore
daring ingot
Well she unadded me but I just blocked her
i feel better now that it’s taken out of my hands 
A part of me really expected to still see a dm but realistically it wasn’t going to to work idiot only I would be stupid enough
I wish I had a hug):
Gotta go back to sleep I have work soon
I left that server I was in
Might as well
I’ll talk more about it later but just ugh. 🫂
is there something wrong with me guys?☹️
daring ingot
i miss not checking that server, it was really fun and i actually talked in it a lot
i used to have this mental health server i used to frequent for years but this person started being really pushy with me and had this weird thing about wanting to fix me and it was weird
theyre still there and i just dont want to deal with that and this server was actually just about socializing and now i feel better about it, i did give me a confidence boost i know i needed even though it did suck for a little but it means i havent changed
I really liked the time i spent with you and im grateful for it. If this was your worst at hurting me thank you for not letting it go further
that would have broken me fs
but it was just a couple of days, you lived, you felt alive focus on that
you said it yourself people are always going to hurt
this whole running away though? needs to monitored
i need to do better
i feel a bit better now
I'll swoon in my head a little about you still because im unhealthy but god what a first breath that was
im still alive
IM STILL FUCKING ALIVE
NOOOOO I LOST ALL THE FUCKING GOOD EMOTES
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
GODDAMN YOU SORCERCESS
Lady Evilllll
shes a magical mystical womannnn
daring ingot
I really liked the time i spent with you and im grateful for it. If this was you...
i keep thinking of this in my head
maybe ill talk to my sister about it, she always knows how to help me dissect my feelings a little more
im just happy i didnt get led on.
it easily could have turned into that
people are so interesting
i know ill think about you for a while
heaven and hell is so good at the 3:56 mark
black sabbath just gets me through it, whoever i saw on the internet with that heaven and hell jacket
just know im am fucking ENVIOUS OF YOU AND YOUR BATTLE JACKET
THAT SHIT HAUNTS ME MORE THAN MY LOVERS
but i liked this little fucking side arc i went on from me saying
daring ingot
i may have had too many pieces of chocolates and i decided to socialize last nig...
this
to now haha
i like this journal its like i text myself, but thats also bad because man i talk to myself alot
..
known bug
it just works !
but yeah i feel alive again and i felt that way yesterday but i was worried i was tying it to her
well sorta is the case right
but i know shes apart of it but not the whole deal why
im sill trying to get back on equal footing and gain my confidence back
having my morale fucking shattered for grueling months was so bad
everyday was fucking bad
this was before i even joined this server
i wonder what i would have said about everything going on.
maybe i would have liked to re read that.
but yeah i still feel alive, i feel happy still
it got me down a lil but i know who i am still and i know ill bump into someone better
and i know i can hold myself down
i wish teenager me was like this
so many things would have hurt less
if i just knew how to talk to myself
and plus
bro i just got paid
NEVER and i mean NEVER
let ANYONE
fuck with the GLORIOUS joy of your beloved money day
lol im not ready to be an uncle
what if my nephew ask me some shit
and i give an answer like that
im not going to lie to lil bro
alright damn i gotta do this work before i keep yapping
laters yall i hope you get this fucking bag because i fucking love you all that peep in here, reacts or not
Stay Gold Pony Boy
daring ingot
UGH I MISS SHIT POSTING ON THERE
daring ingot
Alright finished my work, a lil nervous for my meeting but, i guess im going to be look out for a new hangout so that should be fun maybe we'll see
daring ingot
Divorced dad rock time
Dude does ANYONE remember ace combat 5??
AC4 is so good though I actually emulated it, so fucking peak.
daring ingot
My hair looks so good today i feel good <: , im doing my hand/forearm trainer and i do 100 lbs so easily now
my dads music started playing, i hear my dog getting into a ruckus, im alive, itll be okay
im not anywhere else
im in the moment
of course hes playing the same music as me, just in spanish
i asked him about women throughout his life, aye my dad. im glad we have a better relationship
im sorry i keep yapping in here today
really need to dig my head back into work and do excercise if im not sore enough but i may just do my core floor workouts and dumbbells
i actually look muscular now and its just strange to me
daring ingot
Man. i miss the war thunder memes
there were some other plane nerds in there
😭
im sure im cooking something but it smellin a lil funny
daring ingot
Doing a- O K
I paid my fucking bills and I got my spending money
Time to look at if there’s any vinyls or merch muahaha
I need merch :/ I need clothes for when I inevitably don’t go out
Idk im so bummed that nuclear assault shirt I ordered was so whack
it was just a blown up pixely jpeg lmfao
Eh.: I’ve also gotten better with my clutter on my desk so that’s good
Let’s see if we can keep going strong up until the sun goes down and the brain don’t like that
daring ingot
Alright we’re going to play stardew valley again.. I cried a little bit but it felt really relieving and I felt a lot better after
Not at stardew valley idk why i sent that in one go
I also had a pretty nice talk with my dad again on our walk this afternoon
He’s encouraging me to help break out of my self depreciation and self esteem issues and it really helped
lately I’ve been talking to him more, our walks have really helped bring us closer and I’m happy
for a long time I felt like I didn’t need him and I misunderstood him a lot. I know I have to start better with my own self image but fuck it’s so much easier said than done but he made a good point because I said I’m trying to change but I don’t know if I can I feel stuck and he told me that me even just opening up was proof enough and I never realized how much I don’t tell them
I’m so in my head
But it helped unravel a lot of worries I was having I guess
No change is comfortable but I can’t help but feel like I’m still on the right path
and this solidified it for me, every so often I gain a little more clarity. I’m still excited to see where I go and how I improve. I’m glad today was, pretty good all things considering how I started this entry today
OH I bought DLC for Stellaris so WOOO TIME TO NERD OUT TOMORROW
Anyways love yall 
daring ingot
Alright I woke up for the second time after my walk I’m good
I had an idea to maybe get footage for a video that I want to upload
I’d have to redownload that editing software and tbh guys my transitions sucks
I don’t have any transitions lmfao
Just straight blam next fucking cut cause I have no idea what I’m doing but that’s part of it right??
I should also boost my mic up a little, people commented which was pretty nice, though. but yeah that’s all I have in my head for right now
Thinking of you this morning Memo and Sergio(: I miss my cousins so much
I know I’m not alone as I think I am but it’s hard reminding yourself of that
-# god how the fuck did I leave home for so long
-# 7 years, I left fucking everything behind I’ve always been this way haven’t I
I kinda really want to fight 18 years old me, god grant me this fade in my dream
Anyways, time to go fuck shit up. 🤘🏼
daring ingot
I think you try and call each month
First you used your regular number and did the second time and now it’s a burner
I still wish I hated you
it’s not up to me to wonder what you’re saying, I’ve had enough time to think about it I don’t need to dwell on you longer
daring ingot
okay, going to vent some of my tw'ish thoughts
||i managed to vent to my sister about our dog. this grief is still so big some days||
||i told her sometimes when im lifting my weights i get flashbacks of carrying her and i remember every vivid detail and it breaks me down and i just start hating myself for not being strong enough ||
||she told me about was bothering her and, i just cant find the words for what i feel||
||it feels so far away to think about January. It feels like staring into an endless abyss and suddenly finding yourself falling in it but back at the top repeatedly||
||the scream silences as soon as it escapes my lips||
||but, i felt better, we both did.||
overall though it was a very emotionally charged day but very positive, im very exhausted, ive been crying alot in a good way and i feel a little lighter
today i tried on my battle jacket and again and it buttons up perfectly and i can sit down without it bunching up and move freely
i allowed myself to feel happy and proud and it felt nice, it gets really difficult to not see the old me or feel things that arent there anymore
i feel like something doesnt ache anymore
I think im getting a little bit better at expressing myself
or at least im trying
Sometimes I think, I wish I said shit like yo dude sick shirt more but im kinda always home or walking my dog and don’t encounter anyone
I’m just yapping though I haven’t yapped all day
This shit is so me
Yall ever just vibe and realize it’s not 2023 anymore
2023 haunts me bro idk why
Lmfao
daring ingot
Sometimes I think, I wish I said shit like yo dude sick shirt more but im kinda ...
You know what fuck it, imma break the 4th wall if you read this I hope you know I fuck with your shirt heavy bro
daring ingot
Ya se fueron las nieves de enero, y llegaron las flores de mayo 🖤
We hitting the weights today, I’m so fucking ready
I slept early again and wow no wonder I also feel great again today! It’s like if I stay up late and dont get any sleep is bad for me wow who could have seen that coming guys..
daring ingot
Alright so I worked out yesterday, I ate really good and I slept early!!
so overall I’m very proud of myself for yesterday<:
Especially since there were a lot of snacks and bad foods I could have had and I really wanted to honestly..
Doing better emotionally too, I cried a lot of stuff out these past couple of days
I feel better that I’m not entertaining anyone that I shouldn’t be
Alright dare I say im a little excited for today for apparently no reason
I guess I’m just happy
…
Oh, I’ve spilled water like twice this last week
I need to stop bringing cups
I’m really fucking stupid I mean obviously right but thank fuck I didn’t get any water anywhere important 😭 Christ on a bike
I got this Show No Mercy Slayer flag on my wall now because it’s been empty for too fucking long and I’m just gonna put something there
Alright in theory I should not freak the fuck out today but we’ll see
daring ingot
I’m unsure how I feel about someone, I hate how everyone kinda talks about them and brings them up
I don’t hate them, they seem kinda nice. I guess what I mean is maybe I’m noticing how often they’re talked about and it makes me feel a little uneasy
idk, i guess im back to the whole feeling of that I feel rotten inside. I know I’ve been a good mood and I still am but idk. Hiding myself away is just better, why do you even want to get to know me
I know myself, I know I’m trying to mean well but I’m kinda a mess, I’m so overwhelming. Imagine if I had to text anyone any of this? Listening to me end on end?
funny how I can talk super easily and let the people in that I know aren’t good for me but someone I may have an actual genuine connection with? Ohhh no buddyyyy
We don’t like that round here
I lied I know how I feel about them but Im, idk. I’ll think about it on my walk. I feel so confused about it.
daring ingot
I’m so happy I got Anthrax- Spreading the Disease. Madhouse is so fucking good
Alright, that’s the only development I got lol I napped for a while and man I’m kinda tired
Got these delusions on the slow cooker fr
daring ingot
alright im pouring my spare time i would otherwise be delusional on into stardew valley
feeling pretty good, i got good sleep and starting to notice some slight changes and im happy
alright so currently im playing.. stardew valley, wolfenstein, dark souls 3 and baldurs gate 3. im back to sorta cutting out war thunder because i think i need to just have fun vs. grinding for hours
daring ingot
i feel so out of it but at peace with it and im just blegh
daring ingot
i bought a bunch of small items lol i feel a little better, i feel like microwaved dog shit but we have enough gas in the tank to be vain amidst this lunacy
A viciousness after my own heart damn I miss my little swoon emote lmfao
I really do wonder why im like this lol
“She fucking hates me” 🗣️🗣️🎵
OH YEAH, VINYL GETS HERE
MUAHAHA
Alright, kinda have a plan for today kinda fucking don’t but I’m not going to worry about it too much im going to be in the moment
No worrying about shit that didn’t be, could be, or already happened
I think it’s going to be a year since I started growing my hair out
Leper messiah started playing 😮💨
Alright gotta lock the fuck back in
I couldn’t help but think of you yesterday
It made me really sad, I wasn’t even angry or upset
I can’t help but think that the hopes I had of maybe being a dad died and I’m too afraid to say that out loud or to write it anywhere but it just sticks to my head and it feels bad. A rational part wants to say I’m just feeling whatever I need to feel to process it and move on but I still feel guilty for having to vent it out
I suppose it’s normal right
I miss that excitement I had to tell you about stuff that I learned, I have so much to tell you.
How can this silent pain scream so loud? This feeling is all too familiar and I keep thinking how am I back here again? Of all places?
It’ll be alright, just vent it out down dwell and move on
I’ve already lost you and I’ve already grown without you, such is life
After this meeting im going to lift
daring ingot
I bought one more thing istg im done lmfao
I love coffee so much
How wrong I was as a kid lmfao
I was like man idk how my dad can just only drink coffee and smoke cigarettes 💀
I can’t stand cigarettes though
Well at first I did, but a lot of people in my life smoked cigarettes and I’m ngl the secondhand smoke became nostalgic for me at a certain point. But I could of sworn it was traumatic for at a point but maybe I’m just happier with my dad now
|| Drinking coffee smoking 🍃 . Lmfao apple didn’t fall too far at all ||
Anyways i don’t remember what i was going to say. . .
Man I fucked up guys I didn’t plant tomatoes on summer year 1. No greenhouse until next year 🥲 oh well
Joja cola this mfs farm rn
Oh yeah; long weekend guys WOOO
She fucking hates me has been stuck in my head all day 😭 when the fuck did I get married and divorced
Can’t wait to be buddies with my nephew, lil bro is so chill dawg
I mean he’s my buddy bro just don’t know it yet
I know I don’t have things nearly as bad anymore, I’m not alone, things could be way worse and i don’t need to think of worse situations to invalidate my feelings and rob the joy of being in the moment
I think too much, my dream have been a little sporadic lately. Nightmares and dreams of faces I won’t ever see again
I keep thinking of my one of my teachers and a friend of mine
I’m trying to draw similarities between them both but they more or so run parallel to each other but both really helped me understand this shit a little more
I do think of you often Mark. I wonder what your kids are doing. I wonder what Patrick’s like.
Sometimes my memory feels so foggy and hazy it feels like stained glass. Just barely out of focus
My sister has been tagging along with the walks with my dad and I with the dogs. I’m happy she’s been on her own journey too. Life ain’t easy or fair.. that’s for damn sure but yeah that’s been a happy note
I’m getting a little better at sketching and doodling.. I need to stop fucking around and actually do studies instead of just mucking about
I look a little happier in the mirror now
I feel like I’ve been getting a bit better at looking at myself and not feeling very negative or disgust. Maybe it’s for the moment but idc it’s a win in the moment
Alright song of the night and we wrapping this bih up
SPE- SPECI- SPECIAL TECHNIQUE OF SHADOW BOXING.
I saw a patch of this cover and it was so fucking sick dude
daring ingot
You ever see something and reconvene with the local wildlife and ask, you see that shit too?
Okay grandpa time to put the penjamin down…
Pulling G’s in a forklift that would make most fighter pilots shit themselves 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Alright time to knock the fuck back out because I’m not needed at this moment
I miss halo sm
daring ingot
Ew emotional vulnerability
I’ve been napping so much ngl I really just rested today
And I feel so good and recharged
My nephew has been babbling and smiling more he’s so sweet
He was staring at this hulk action figure we got my dad funny enough and I was going hulk smash and he was kicking his little feet 😭 it warms my heart
I’m still conflicted about how I feel about someone
I’m also trying to get better at my self talk and affirmations so I’ve been trying to work on that a bit more
someone gave me a really thoughtful compliment and I’ve been thinking about it and Idk why I can’t talk to myself like that. Im my own noise I get that and I’m tired of it
But yeah idk all that shit is kinda tiring I’m a mess lmfao saying that with an asterisk cause I’m working on it
And getting better!
Day by day guys, it’s so annoying but it’s just day by day
But I think I haven’t had a crash out in a couple of days. I’m trying to re read some entries here and while i did vent about some stuff I think I’ve been having vivid dreams still. I’m telling my dad about them on my walk lol my poor dad bro but I know he doesn’t mind haha but um yeah nothing up coming soon other than a family get together next month. I REALLY need to make a better effort to read. I am making improvements but I really want to do that so just affirming that here
it’s also been making me happy that my parents have been apologizing more and recognizing their own behavior and it’s been really helpful
It does give me some gas in the tank to see my parents do listen and it makes me want to be better too
Also I forgot how fun Civilization 6 is
bro I remember playing civ 6 on a laptop i shouldn’t have been playing it on but im appreciating the come up
She fucking hates me 🗣️ is still on the brain lol
Also funny enough I’m kinda done swooning over the phantom menace from like two weeks ago. It really snapped me back and helped me realize I’m done with that shit for good so it was really enlightening actually
That and unraveling my self esteem issues and body dysmorphia so while it hurt a little it was a growing pain for sure
Also I was on my walk and I guess a kid saw my dog but they were super far away and my dog isn’t chill like that but I heard this kid go: OH MY GOD ITS A GERMAN SHEPHERD :Dand it was so funny lmfao
God I love coffee so much
So so so SO MUCH
BAD DAY TO BE A SPREADSHEET
do I indulge the delusions and log in to war thunder.
read the slab
Any tablet !
yeah we are buddyyyyy
Checked my slack and work email just in case, I know we got the day off but just had to check for reason
It’s funny to me when my dogs come to my room to hide out when things are a little too rowdy everywhere else
Real recognizes real and you’re looking mad familiar rn 
I’m almost just a plane away from getting an Su-27..ughhh
daring ingot
missing you this morning
I wish I could say it’s difficult balancing out my feelings for you
I say that I miss you but I immediately follow up with a reason I shouldn’t even without forcing myself to and I realize that there’s just a lack of anything
But I still try I guess.
Somehow I feel less lonely than I did when I was with you and to be honest that’s a hard one to overcome especially if I’m trying to disregard rational thinking
It still makes me sad I guess. How fast things can be broken and torn apart.
But I do miss the times you were sweet even if they don’t mean as much to me now. I crave to be that vulnerable again even if it terrifies me and I can’t get that if I’m still so toxic to myself and make excuses
They’re just echoes
There’s nothing new for you or something still alive they’re just echoes.
It’s just such a weird feeling.I understand but I can’t help but feel a little upset
Lot on my mind over the night I guess. Strong start to the day but I feel better emptying that out
Need to get back to socializing again but need to find another chill spot so needs a bit of creativity but that’s the plan
Oh I also have some stuff coming in today so that should be fun muahaha..
On a separate note
—
About that person that keeps popping up in my life that I feel very conflicted about. When I’m confronted with the thought of you I think just one thing; everything I’ve let go of has claw marks on it.
I don’t think it’s about them at all it’s just shit that I’m facing in myself and sometimes it feels like life is taunting me
I wonder if I seem cold to you or mean
You’re a very kind and sweet person, why try and bother with me? I don’t get it. But here we go with this back and forth with myself.
I just don’t like that you perceive me
Stop perceiving me for a minute lmfao
I’m just being stupid but idk im staying in my little dumb lane because just like most dangerous things I have to have this warning label attached to me and that comes in the form of just not being close to people because I am a mess 
I have SEVEN boxes coming in today, none of it is heavy at all. Combined I’m sure it’s like under 5 pounds worth of stuff but it’s going to be funny squirreling these things away lmfao
I’m so fucking excited
I love opening boxes sm
Oh snap I gotta eat I keep fucking yapping, KEEP IT CRAZY PEEPS
daring ingot
The weights got lighter
Ykw that means
GAINS BABY WOO. I got more reps in and I feel so good
Crunches absolutely rocked my shit but not as bad
I’m starting to incorporate skullcrushers more and I can feel that paying off
But yeah I feel good<: gotta hydrate tho I love coffee a little too damn much I need to lay off of it for a bit
daring ingot
I feel so paranoid
I’m so tired of it, it’s so nauseating
why does it always feel like a sharp correction
Can’t be too happy
Can’t be too comfortable
Things hurt the most when I’m unprepared and I feel like if I take my eyes or mind off of it it’s all going to be ripped away
my head feels like a fucking minefield
But now I’m okay lmfao
As if nothing ever happened 💀
I can’t even reach out to those feelings even if I wanted to god I’m batshit crazy
blegh 😕
I’m just overthinking
it’s going to be okay I just have to breathe
I don’t have to think about all of it at once I’m the only one overwhelming myself 🙃
daring ingot
Alright i managed to be a bit productive and my head feels a little neater
Going to a little get together this Sunday apparently
A little excited but really nervous
But it’ll be fun and it’ll be okay (:
daring ingot
Alright USPS fucked up getting a package to me yesterday but no worries I’m just not going to worry about it cause I’m honesty not worried about it because it serves me no good to be angry or stressed I already opened a ticket so here’s hoping
BBBUUTTTT…
We got some more cool shit coming in today so that’s still exciting! hopefully my meeting gets cancelled but I’m just also going to try and not let that stress me out
I had a really long dream now that im thinking about it
I can’t remember much of it other than wtf?
I’m also going to stay clean for a bit I definitely did smoke a lot this last month and yeah I just have to really reset this month
Had a really ugly thought last night and it’s one I don’t think I can ever vocalize but I mean it and I just fucking hope the worst for you tbh
Steps fowards and steps back
daring ingot
I feel like I got unpaused and I feel so out of it
I wish that feeling got easier
or went away maybe
maybe I’m just always going to feel this way
Break the ice I can’t take anymore 🎶🗣️
MY SANITY IS SLOWLY DRIPPING OUT AND I CANT MAKE IT STOP🖤
I NEED TO FUCKING YELL.
Not at anyone or anything but I feel fucking buried but I did this to myself
Years of repressing, forget, move forward MOVE. Stillness is so loud
Cry out because who’s listening
It just feels like I’m forgetting something something is missing):
I have to find my way and it’s scary and I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m going fucking insane but I’m trying
Just can’t think when my mind goes blank, ITS HARD TO THINK WHEN MY MIND GOES BLANK 🗣️
Okay we’re a little bit better rn
Thank you Spotify had to lock in
I’m finna yabba dabba end my delusions
Ykw yeah I’m going to put a pin on this delusions and continue it 24 hours from now
daring ingot
Jacket got delivered today and OH BOY I AM HAPPY AS FUCK
daring ingot
-# it all hurts and I just want it to stop
-# just let me breathe
-# when I close my eyes I wake up somewhere else and when I open them back up I’m just as confused
-# the more I keep thinking on how to be better at my self talk the more o realize how loud my bad thoughts are and maybe the first step is recognizing right?
it just feels like a horrible headache
I feel like that robot from futurama that screams IM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THIS TIME
I feel so unnecessarily dramatic saying anything even if it’s just me talking to me
how am I so stupid that i invalidate my own self bro LMFAO
I feel such a cold spot in my stomach, it nags at me and i feel so sick. Even now everything I say goes through a fucking filter because I have shit I’m scared of saying because it makes the feeling real and it makes it all real again and BLEH
Idk I just feel like I don’t make sense at all
by the time the words leave my mouth it feels like slime and mush and it’s all just stupid sounds made close enough together to maybe sound like words
Alright feeling a little bit better now
daring ingot
Kinda fighting some thoughts that make me spiral
I had a good day
I’m just missing people again
just feels weird when I start to forget where I am again
But I had fun I was perceived and I didn’t hate it and I was vulnerable with my family and I feel happy
But why do I feel so sad
do I need to explain it, can I just let myself be
Would that be okay for once
I don’t want to think anymore that what’s just coming up to my head
Trying to be in the moment is so difficult when physically and mentally I feel like I’m somewhere else completely
Crying but it doesn’t hurt tonight
sometimes I can’t recognize myself and it’s for the better
I saw myself in a photo and I looked happy, I looked like I belonged maybe
I know I’m kinda sad and stuff but I guess it’s bittersweet
I like getting along with my brother in law
I wrote a congratulations note on a card the other day and in of course my fashion I got a note book and practiced hand writing what I was going to say and re writing it consistently so I can get my hand writing just right for each word otherwise the world will implode
Thankfully it didn’t take me 4 hours
It was more like 1 this time
but idk I forgot where the fuck I’m going with this lmfao
I have too many feelings and not enough patience with myself to vocalize that shit fr
it was nice creating a new memory today
lately life has been kinda fucking with me with unforgettable ones that kinda beat the shit out of me emotionally
So having one that was sweet was really nice I really do love just sinking in to those days
daring ingot
Alright so I didn’t freak out today which was pretty nice
I played a lot of civ 6 it’s such a guilty pleasure ngl
not that it’s bad or anything but I just.. just one more turn …. ………
been listening to my divorced dad rock
hear me out alright
💀
Feeling loopy as all hell I’m so fucking sleepy
I think I’m finally over feeling like something to try and fill that gap
I feel a little free because of it
I just hate that I know you’re calling
Blah blah blah
I miss being a fucking dork
craving emotional vulnerability?! FUCKING YUCK BRO EW
it’s just been hard building myself back up from the ground up. It’s been satisfying yeah and that’s not that but I just, sometimes it makes me want to vomit I feel like I’m barely coming back to
I can’t help but feel like i shut down in a way
Maybe I’m thinking too hard but I know I need time to myself but being out is how I recharge but I was just out yesterday and I was freaking out a lot
Feels like being infront of a TV flicking between 100 channels at full volume and it just burns it into my head and I want to sob
But I had fun though I really did I promise I did
ugh why am I like this
It’s okay
They’re just growing pains
The bad parts didn’t overtake the good at all
I just hate that I remember your stupid fuck ass words to me
What does it matter if you thought I didn’t do anything wrong and that I was enough
What the fuck do I do with that
I feel like a stupid fuck sometimes still holding these pieces looking at myself fuck you and fuck my self for still dwelling on it
I fucking hate that your voice parrots the same shit I say to myself, as if it’s some way to fuck with me when I’m going crazy
I’ll forget all about it in the morning
Rinse and repeat
In some stupid fucking way I feel like I’m being ignored but you’re just gone
And that makes me feel stupid
I swear that I’m done but my body wretches and writhes
Its not done because I want it to be
What kind of fucking solace was that supposed to bring me
why are you trying to find comfort in it is the better question
Instead of standing in your own two fucking feet I’ve been over this
Why do I have to repeat the same things to myself
One day I won’t have to anymore though
Or it won’t be needed to be vented out
It’ll just be automatic
I can’t wait until then I want my mind back
Alright I’m done crying lol
Damn who tf was spamming this place up… talk about dramatic..
daring ingot
letting my mind wander im so bored
I miss gears of war 2
lol now I just think about going to that food festival with my family and getting that on vinyl
there was this snow cone and Christ on a bike it was so good
Yap yap yap yap
daring ingot
I SLEPT REALLY GOOD
IDK WHY IM YELLING BUT, TWAS GOOD
I dont feel as sore today so im going to aim to get a lift in today wooo
daring ingot
Just gotta get today out of the way and we’re back on track for the weekend woooo
Back to playing stardew valley but I’m making a beach farm and ngl not using sprinklers kinda blows
I didn’t work out yesterday my wrist was hurting since I accidentally take naps and have my wrists in very uncomfortable positions 😭
But were back and today’s the day
I want to get back into gardening again
I hate that I’ve been flaking on myself to get back into it
I want to make it a point to invest a little bit more time and effort into making it happen because I think it would be really healthy and productive for me
🫶🏼
daring ingot
So what the fuck is the point of stalking me now the very fucking few millimeters into my mind that you can see
Like be fucking fr
Stalking takes effort where the fuck was this shit before ??😭 eh whatever I’ve been here before but it’s been nagging at me and and pissing me off
Whatever you’ll fuck off
Ok thought buried
Venting feels like the equivalent of burning plastic in my head
daring ingot
Trying to exercise but I keep getting intrusive thoughts and I want to cry
-# nothing hides that void that I try to dress up. That I’m worthless
-# how do I begin to fix these things if I really don’t find myself special because let’s be honest nothing does
-# I know it’s a skill issue I get it but fuck I’m just always so at odds with myself
I guess I just have to give myself positive self talk or something idk I’ve gotten better but sometimes it still sounds like a load of bullshit
Ugh if only I wasn’t plagued with these stupid Highs and lows when Im in my head too much
I’m skipping eating until I finish this exercises I’m so hungry but I’m so angry
how many things have been eating me up for so long
I feel so hollow and make believe
I feel like I’m so fleeting to myself
I’m just in that spot in your peripheral where it’s just out focus but still in view but almost out
I guess it’s just one of those days
I won’t overthink it too bad, usually I can sorta even out with a little self soothing but I feel so cold inside and I know I have to ride it out
Alright I have to head back in, hopefully I don’t crash out too bad still but I will manage and get through it and that’s what matters
There’s just something’s I wish I could vent but no matter what I do these words won’t ever escape
alright I can’t stand looking at this emotional vomit I can’t stand how painfully disconnected I am
||do I even deserve to eat||
daring ingot
Felt happy because I checked my messages and someone I haven’t talked to in a minute sent me a video of men’s mental health awareness month and a sweet message saying they were proud of me, that felt really nice 😕 we don’t get a chance to talk often since they have their own stuff going on but It made me smile and cry a little
I’m grateful
To be reminded that I’m not alone and I’m not annoying or anything negative I try and convince myself that’s how people see me
daring ingot
Moods been up today pretty consistently so that’s been pretty nice, just stable and even
Do you ever panic and worry if you’re replying in someone else’s journal for a split second because it happens to me 💀
Damn I feel like I’m forgetting something
daring ingot
I don’t think anything big is bothering me at the moment, I even went on my walk and I feel okay, the breeze feels good and I feel very appreciative
Been sketching a little more lately and that always does wonders to my head. Dealing with my perfectionism by creating horrible practice and remembering that it’s good practice and that it’s okay tires my fucking brain out
Rest day felt good I was v sore yesterday but in a good way but I’m going to aim to workout today since I didn’t meet my move goal yesterday and I feel a little bad about it especially since I gamed..
I want to go to a concert so bad
…I just want an excuse to yell lmfao I NEED TO THRASH
Anyways so yeah that’s probably it for today and play stardew valley.. we’re getting cows for the beach farm
Big plans people 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Also I don’t think the coffee was making me crazy
I think I was just not drinking water so yk what maybe it was
But I’ve been hydrating after lot more now since then
daring ingot
It’s late and I can’t sleep so I’m chasing my delusions and they only remind me of that coldness in my chest
daring ingot
feeling a little sad but I’m doing overall okay I just miss feeling certain ways
Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth to write out at times
Not because I don’t want to express my feelings but it feels so pointless to think of
some triggers are weird
they aren’t as painful as other but they sort of ache and radiate instead of being sharp? I guess?
just feels so weird sometimes
I feel like I’m being so vague and non descriptive but I’m trying but nothing comes out 😭
daring ingot
I’m doing it to myself atp ughhhhhh WHY AM I LIKE THIS
And right as I think what I know what I’m going to say it just leaves me
All dry heaves and no fricking vomit i feel so physically ill at the thought of trying to get this out of my throat
I’m trying to claw out of my head just, I feel so stupid I feel so many different things tugging at my violently in different directions and I feel so stupid. 😕 I’m a broken record I know I’m upset I’m confused I’m, here
I feel ashamed for feeling hurt still I feel stupid for feeling ashamed because I know better and that’s where the Ride stops I can’t feed into it because then I spiral and i think of things I shouldn’t
-# who could stay anyways right I don’t blame you
-# what does any of it matter
-# half of these things I could have avoided if I just had my shit together
-# what was the point of stuffing everything away and putting a strong face for what, I felt it going up again today and it made me feel gross and I feel so sick and just blurry
I wonder where my necklace went, it’s funny it’s like you took it with you
I keep thinking of that post that goes I knew I wasn’t going to have it when I realized how badly I wanted it
daring ingot
I always feel like I’m doing something wrong It’s paranoia I need to calm down, why am I like this at my job