#uzarts figurative realm

5185 messages · Page 6 of 6 (latest)

digital bay
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that most of my shit is cushioned

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by a cushy life

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but

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maybe that's good

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maybe it means that i could help wade people onto the beach, even if i myself am in the shallows

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my shit hasn't gotten worse

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but i've seen and heard of it getting worse

digital bay
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Nope

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Still feel shit

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Now I feel like a hypocrite

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I think I have some hero/savior complex

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Because I'm a nobody and I want to be a somebody who's recognized

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It's this infatuation or fetishization of being the savior of the day

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And I don't think it's healthy or morally right

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I do this with no exterior purpose than my own

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There's no moral conviction, no sense of justice or spiritual inclination

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Just ego

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And that's

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Not how I want to live

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FUCK

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Selfish

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Selfish

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Selfish fucking pig

digital bay
digital bay
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I miss my fucking hb

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I feel so out of place

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Wherever I am

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Cus that's my fucking twin bro

digital bay
digital bay
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I genuinely want to blow my shit smooth off

digital bay
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We're going back again aren't we

digital bay
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It's all going to shit again

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I hate myself again

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After all

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That

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Fucking

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Time

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I hate 8t

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I hate school

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I hate the people

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I hate most of the teachers

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All I want is to be with that skater crew because I feel appreciated

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I only stay if I feel appreciated

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And cherished

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And I have my ass licked

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Because I crave the attention of people like a dog drawn to carrion

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But I feel like a sore thumb with my hands jammed in my pockets

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I hate myself

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And my relationship with God is eroding

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So

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Fucking

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Fast

digital bay
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I don't deserve marriage or happiness

digital bay
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I must put blade to flesh for my transgressions

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My penalty will be blood

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For the sin of the flesh

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A new list of tallies plastered in my shin

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Penance will return, you piece of shit

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Five tallies for every fail

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I wanna go back because maybe I'll feel something

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I'll get that love that I wanted

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Speaking like it was a fucking relationship..

digital bay
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"Just to keep you happy"

digital bay
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10 tallies

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It was hard to clean up

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I've opened up new fronts on my arms and shoulders

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I'm making myself uglier

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But that's my punishment

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5 tallies per fail

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I really do hate myself

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I'm back to being angry

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And frustrated

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And stressed

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I'm not in Malaysia

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I'm not among the mountains and rivers

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Or the beaches

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Speaking of Malaysia

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I need to focus

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For everything

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I've been procrastinating, watching the boys

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I'm on season 4

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It's alright

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It's weird

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I have my group

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The skaters

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J

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Still feel like shit

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I feel lonely and jealous

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Jealous of those who get to hold hands in the halls

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And embrace.

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I want that

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I think I'll love myself more if I am loved by someone

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But to love others I must love myself

digital bay
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I look so... Imperfect.

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I want to look like

digital bay
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uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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ffffffffffuck

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me

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again

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and again

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I'm addicted

digital bay
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My relationship with god has deteriorated

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I start to question religion inwardly

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but I feel as if I'm letting go of that relationship and will pay for it

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I still adhere to and except some of the stuff

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no pork

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no alc

digital bay
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I'm so frustrated and angry

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And I feel lonely

digital bay
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it hurts

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it fucking hurts

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the burning of my thighs

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it hurts so damn much

digital bay
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I'm going to die alone

digital bay
digital bay
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The sting again

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This razor hurts like a bitch

digital bay
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I feel like shit

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Lonely shit

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I've spun full circle and I'm back where I was

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Sure I'm out more but I smoke

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There's new cuts

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It's taken it's grip on my life once more

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And it's only a matter of time before I start to isolate

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I want to talk to someone and have a deeper connection

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I want to love

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I want to spill everything out and not be judged or overly stressed over

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That's why I'm dying to go back to that fucking therapy office on Tuesday

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To spill everything

digital bay
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10 tallies are owed

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More stinging

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More pain

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For the punishment of my sin

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I'm sorry for my jealousy

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My ugly jealousy

digital bay
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God fucking dammit

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I'm dying alone

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That follow button

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That fucking follow button

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Tempts me

digital bay
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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Fuck me

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Fuck that brain or mine

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It was a dream

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A fucking dream

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And I was still played in a fucking dream

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It was her

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I'm dying alone

digital bay
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Eid sucks

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My father went to his family and I'm going with my mother to hers

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It sucks

digital bay
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I had such a weird fucking dream that even had a sequal

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It's like jurassic Park meets godzilla

digital bay
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To die while mounted us a death I'd serve 1000 times over

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Though a fantasy to have the wind whip past me as I scream glory upon a horse with a pike or blade raised would make me a happy man

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The adrenaline

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The fanatic urge

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To die screaming as I rip into flesh

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As I ride into the field of battle not knowing whether or not it would be my last hour

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If so it would be the best

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I'd spur on my comrades as we ride

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Not knowing whether or not the lines of enemies before us or the men to my flanks are harbingers of death

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Glory

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Cavalry

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Honour

digital bay
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Studying sucks ass

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Fucking suckssss

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God fucking

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DAMNIT

digital bay
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I feel lonely

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I want to be in love

digital bay
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I'm dying alone

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In going to sit in an apartment on a stained mattress with a cigarette dangling out of my mouth

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And something in my system

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And I'm going to die

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"Hey, I'm sorry if I came off as an asshole when I said the communication wasn't working. In that moment I was impulsive and was running on some VERY bad advice because the truth is I do like talking to you and would like to talk to you again. I haven't been in the best of spaces recently and exams have been swamping me so I do apologize and I would like to speak to you again because quite frankly I like you. I think you're not just pretty but beautiful and I always remembered you as a kind hearted person."

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Or maybe im only feeling this way because you're one of the only girls in recent months who have shown me some level of attention so I took that as attraction

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So I got up in my feelings when you didn't text me for completely valid reasons because I got insecure

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I'm desperate to find a love that I stubbornly cannot give myself

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I loathe myself deeply to the point where I can't look at muself without having something to criticize

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Anyways